Original subtitles

>> So, Jackie, they call you

"The Great One." How did that

name come about?

>> No, actually, Orson Welles

was the first to call me "The

Great One." I'm not exactly sure

why. And then Lucy continued

that tradition and started

calling me that as well. And I

never had a problem with it.

I learned to deal with it.

>> Why was "The Honeymooners"

so successful?

>> Well, I can probably give you

30 reasons why. But the one that

comes to mind is it was funny.

That's all.

>> Is it true that you didn't

like to rehearse?

>> I was never fond of

rehearsing, simply because

I believe that the best comedy

should have a certain degree

of spontaneity and surprise.

And it was just totally

a decision made by my technique.

I liked to be surprised as well,

and the more I rehearsed, the

more I felt it was watered down,

and so I rarely rehearsed.

>> You have a reputation

for enjoying your libations.

>> Now, that is a lie.

( laughs ) I drank for one

reason only, and that is to get

bagged. It never got in the way

of my work. I never drank on

show day. I was always on time.

>> In five.

>> You seen Jackie?

>> Philbin.

>> Everything okay?

>> Yeah, just the usual preshow

details, Mr. Friedman,

nothing we can't handle.

>> Listen.

>> Joe, you seen Gleason?

>> No, haven't seen him.

>> Where is he?

>> Well, you know Jackie.

If he's not composing music,

he's yelling at writers.

If he's not yelling at writers,

he's changing the lights.

>> Excuse me, sir.

>> If he's not changing

the lights, he's telling

the director how to do his job.

No, this is not going to work.

We're not gonna be able to see

Art's face or hear his dialogue.

>> I can't get another. The

rental house is already closed.

>> Well, it's too late to change

it. We're going to have

to go with it.

>> Well, I could cut a hole

in the front, but then we

have to pay for it.

>> Well, just do it.

You got an hour.

>> Just let me give him

Mr. Paley's good wishes.

>> Now, you know he doesn't like

visitors before the show,

especially from the network.

No offense.

>> None taken. It goes with

the territory. But I do need

to see him.

>> If you'd just wait here,

and I'll go get him.

>> That's my boy.

>> Think I'm going to be sick.

>> "Stage Show" cast, we go live

in 30 minutes. "Honeymooners,"

that's a one-hour call for you.

>> ( car horns honking )

>> Why don't we try Second

Avenue? This is like

a parade route.

>> Everything's jammed up,

Mr. Gleason.

>> So, you want to hear this?

>> Yeah.

>> So, we leave the Yankee game,

right?

>> Uh-huh.

>> We get in the car, things

start spinning, and I threw up.

I was so loaded, I threw up all

over Sinatra right in his limo.

You believe that?

>> ( chuckles )

>> And you know what I told

his driver?

>> What's that, Mr. Gleason?

>> "Throw the bum out. He's

stinking up the car." ( laughs )

>> I'll be darned.

>> What, these guys think I'm

going to wear a dress?

I hate writers.

>> ( horn honks )

>> ( crowd murmuring )

>> There he is!

>> Hiya, folks. Hi.

How'd everybody get in my

dressing room?

>> Jackie? Jackie, over here!

>> Oh, my God.

>> Oh, thank you. Hey, doll,

aren't you something?

>> Jackie.

>> Thank you. How are you, pal?

>> Jackie.

>> Jackie.

Jackie.

>> You're the man.

>> Jackie.

>> Jackie.

>> Jackie!

>> Jackie. Jackie.

>> You're welcome. Thank you.

>> Thank you.

>> Thank you, everybody.

>> Jackie, where are you?

You said you wanted to help me

make the bread.

>> For God's sakes, will you let

that kid be?

>> Jackie!

>> You know what you're going

to do? You're going to turn him

into a mama's boy.

>> He's all I've got left.

>> And what the hell's that

supposed to mean?

>> ( metal clatters )

>> It means maybe if I had

a husband who knew how to look

after his family, I'd still have

two sons instead of one. No.

>> ( laughs )

You know what I can't believe?

I can't believe you still blame

me. The kid was sick, Mae.

Our boy was sick. You know,

I just don't do enough

around here, do I?

>> Enough for who?

>> You know, one of these days,

poof!

>> Oh, can it, Herb.

>> You know what? I know where

you hide it. Oh, yeah.

>> Hey, that's clean l--

>> Oh, yeah, I know, all right.

Oh, yeah. Ah, there we go.

Damn, I can't believe how fast

you go through the hooch!

>> Oh, what, like you don't?

You're drunk by 2:00

in the afternoon.

>> Yeah? Oh, what time is it?

Oh, I know. Time for a drink.

Oh, yeah.

>> No, you are not taking

the food money again and go

get drunk. You put it back!

>> No, no!

>> Put it back, Herb!

>> No, no. No, you know what?

You're right. I am to blame.

For not telling you how

beautiful you are. Come on,

baby. Come on, look at me.

>> Just put the money

back, Herb.

>> Come on, love.

>> Put it back, Herb!

>> God damn it, will you just

let me have a good time

for once?

>> Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it!

>> Aw, come on.

>> Are you okay, Ma?

>> Yeah, I'm okay, Jackie.

>> Hey, killer, how 'bout you

take a walk with your old man,

huh? You know what we'll do?

We'll go see a show

at the Halsey. How would you

like that, huh?

>> Herb. Herb.

>> Okay? Come on.

>> Herb! What'd I tell you about

taking him out when

you've been drinking?

>> Come on, Ma. I want to go.

>> Yeah, come on, Ma.

We want to go.

>> Don't you take your eyes

off him.

>> Hear that, Jackie? You don't

take your eyes off me, huh?

>> Come on, buddy.

Let's go see a show.

>> You be good, Jackie.

>> ( applause, cheering )

>> Fifi and her magic circle

of fire, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, our next act is certainly

no dog act. Let's have a big

hand for the one and only

Benny Meyer!

>> Benny!

>> Benny Meyer.

>> Benny.

>> ( laughter )

>> ( band playing )

>> ( audience gasps )

( laughing )

>> ( imitating train engine )

( laughs )

Hey, you have a good time with

your old man tonight?

>> Sure, Pop.

>> Yeah?

>> Yeah, it was some show.

>> Oh, yeah, that was some show.

Whoo-hoo! ( laughs )

Oh, Jackie.

Hey, I ever tell you what a good

boy you are? You are such

a good boy. ( laughs ) I'm going

to give you something. How would

you like that, huh? I'm going

to give you something, but you

got to promise me you are not

going to tell your ma.

>> Promise.

>> Hmm? Let's see.

>> A nickel?

>> Guy like you can't walk

around broke, Mr. Jackie

Gleason. Here. You put that

in your pocket, pal. ( laughs )

All right, open ses-a-me.

>> ( sleigh bells jingling )

>> ( hoofbeats clopping )

>> Eat some more of your peas,

Jackie. Come on, don't play with

your food.

>> Maybe the subway's late.

>> ( knock on door )

>> He's here! That's him!

>> No, that's not him, Jackie.

>> Mrs. Gleason?

>> Yes. Thank you for coming.

>> Has he ever been

gone this long before?

>> No, never this long.

>> Well, Ma, remember

last Thanksgiving?

>> No, it wasn't this long.

>> Well, what would help us is

a photograph, identification,

if anyone's seen him.

>> Jackie.

Um...

>> Where are all the pictures

of Daddy?

>> I don't understand.

>> I'm sorry. We'll do what we

can, okay? Merry Christmas.

>> ( soft crying )

>> ( applause )

>> Thank you, ladies and

gentlemen. Now the Halsey

Theatre is proud to present

a new act. We're really excited

about this young man. He's going

to go places. How about a nice

warm welcome, big hand

for Jackie Gleason!

>> 15 minutes to "Stage Show."

We go live in 15.

>> What exactly is the problem?

>> I want a different driver.

>> Another one?

>> Thank you, Willy.

>> What happened to this one?

>> He's a wacko.

>> All right, fine,

I'll handle it.

>> Jackie, you are killing me

with the lateness.

>> 'Cause I'm all out of poison.

>> Very funny. You do realize

this is live, right?

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Hey, Jackie!

>> Ladies. Artie.

What's up, Philly?

>> Friedman wants to see you.

>> You know I don't see people

before the show.

>> Well, he's not people.

He's from the network.

>> Well, then, I definitely

don't want to see him.

>> Bullets? Bullets, you're his

manager. Will you help me out?

>> Hey, hey, he's a big boy.

>> Oh, that's right.

You do nothing.

>> Don't start.

>> Look, Jackie, please?

>> "Please" never works.

>> He's Paley's number-two guy.

>> He gets five minutes after

the show.

>> Now?

>> Later.

>> No, now.

>> Fine. You want to talk?

Go ahead and talk to him.

>> Good evening, Jackie.

>> Oh, God.

>> I was wondering if you got

the new script pages yet?

>> You call that a script?

I wouldn't let my parakeet crap

on that thing. That was death.

>> I thought that was

the direction that--

>> No, funny's the direction.

>> Well, if you came

to rehearsal every once

in a while, you'd see that--

>> What would I see? That you're

in charge of my scheduling now?

>> Hey, maybe we should give

the scene to Carney.

>> Maybe you should go write

for Berle. Get me some ice.

>> See? I told you later.

>> Here you go, Jackie.

>> Scotch up.

>> ( ball falls in pocket )

>> You put the word in with

Fisher about me taking over

your emcee spot?

>> Jackie, how many times we got

to talk about this?

You're not ready.

>> What do you mean?

>> I'm not putting my reputation

on the line for a guy who's been

at it only four months.

>> You saw me kill 'em

the other night.

>> Yeah, that reminds me.

If you're going to steal

other guys' routines, at least

do 'em right.

>> I'm changing 'em around

to fit me.

>> All right, fine. Just don't

change the funny parts. And you

got to work on your timing.

>> What did I tell you about

talking while I shoot?

>> Sorry.

>> Huh?

>> Sorry. Look, all I'm saying

is that it took me three years

till I was offered a job

outside the Halsey.

>> That's you. I'll tell you

what. You put the fix in for me,

and you won't owe me another

red cent.

>> What am I up to?

>> Six bucks, plus the two bits

you're about to lose.

I get the job, I give

you a dollar a week.

>> The job only pays three.

What are you going to do,

work for a lousy--

>> Will you let me worry about

that? Shoot your shot. What are

you going to do? More to the

right. You're going to kiss off

the seven. Go ahead.

Keep embarrassing yourself.

>> All right! I'll talk

to Fisher.

>> Tell him he won't be sorry.

>> But I'll tell you, I'm

staying at a lousy hotel, ladies

and gentlemen. They steal my

towels. The good news is they

send up the heat religiously,

once a week,

on Sundays.

>> ( slight laughter )

>> Poor guy.

>> I think he's kinda cute.

>> I'll tell you, they sure ask

a lot for rent. No, that's not--

no, they-- no, they ask a lot

for rent. Last week, they asked

me five times.

>> ( chuckles )

>> Thank you very much,

everybody.

>> ( applause )

>> Good night.

>> How about a nice hand for

Jackie Gleason? What'd I tell

you, huh? Timing.

>> It was fine.

>> And now please welcome

the ballet artistry

of the Halford Twins.

>> ( applause )

>> ( band playing )

>> I hear they're not really

twins, just sisters.

>> Who cares? They can be

brothers. Look at the pins

on that one.

>> I'll take the one

on the right.

( laughs )

>> Puppets.

>> The matinee. Oh, my God.

>> Hello. My name is Jackie.

I'm one of the new comics

around here.

>> Yeah, we know. We saw.

>> Thank you. And I just want

to tell you what a pleasure it

is to watch you gals do

the ballet.

>> Well, thank you.

>> You're welcome. You know,

it'd really be an honor to take

you gals out for a late supper

tonight. What do you say?

>> Well, I've already got plans

with Armando, but--

>> Ah, really? The juggler?

Are you going to walk or take

the unicycle?

>> That's funny.

>> Always writing. You know,

that's comics. How about you,

miss?

>> I'm a little tired tonight.

Maybe some other time.

>> Maybe tomorrow night?

>> Maybe.

>> Okay, I'll see you then.

Have a great show out there.

>> Have a good night.

>> I'm telling you, Ma, this

girl is nuts about me. And she's

a dancer. You know, not that

kind of dancer, a good dancer.

She's ballet.

>> Oh, yeah? ( breathing hard )

>> What's with

the breathing, Ma?

>> I'm fine. So, when do

I get to meet her?

>> I don't know. If things go

okay tonight, maybe soon.

There's something different

about her.

>> Yeah, that's what you said

about the last one. They ever

find your wallet?

>> ( laughs ) Can you stop with

that, please?

>> Hey, I just care about you,

that's all.

>> I know, Ma.

You're the greatest.

>> Yeah. Hey, how about you

stay home tonight, keep me

company, huh?

>> Ma, how many times I have

to tell you? You're not my type.

>> Yeah.

>> I'll tell you, that Chaplin,

he's a genius. He says it all

with his eyes.

>> God, the way he was with that

little kid. It's like he makes

me laugh and cry.

>> ( horn honks )

>> Watch yourself.

>> He makes me laugh and cry

at the same time.

>> Come on. And you know

the best thing about it? He runs

the whole show. He's the writer,

the director. He's the star,

doesn't have to depend

on anybody.

>> Is that what you want? Not to

have to depend on anybody?

>> Isn't that what

everybody wants?

>> Eh, not everyone. I think

it might get kind of lonely.

>> You know what? You got

to meet my ma.

>> Why's that?

>> Because you seem to

understand people the same way

she does. Hey, listen, just for

a giggle, let's go by and say

hi. What do you say?

>> Jackie, we hardly

know each other.

>> Yeah, but, see, this way,

we can all get to know

each other at the same time.

>> I don't know, Jackie.

>> I do. Come on.

>> ( radio playing music )

>> Come on. Come on. Ma?

Come on. Come on. She's going

to love it.

>> But maybe she's asleep.

>> Does it sound like she's

asleep? What, are you kidding?

Come on in. Ma? Oh, she made

a banana bread. You want some?

>> Oh, I'm okay, thanks.

>> Huh?

>> No, I'm--

>> That's why you're a twig. Ma?

What'd I tell you about keeping

these late hours?

You like jazz?

>> Oh, yeah, yeah, I love it.

>> You see? I knew it. You're

going to be two peas in a pod.

>> ( laughs )

No, I can't. Jackie. Wait.

Seriously, do I look all right?

>> What, are you kidding me?

>> Is she going to--

>> You look unbelievable.

>> No.

>> Ma? Come on, I want you

to meet Jen.

>> Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Mr. Friedman, it's ten minutes

before the show.

>> Well, that's plenty of time

to convey Mr. Paley's

good wishes.

>> ( sighs )

>> I'll just take--

>> Mr. Friedman, no. Listen.

Listen to me. Jackie doesn't see

anybody before the show.

It's a superstition.

>> Sure. Sure. I understand.

Good. But just give me

two minutes.

>> Ah, bup-bup-bup-bup-bup!

>> Look, what do you expect me

to tell Mr. Paley?

>> Look--

>> Huh?

>> Tell him I saved your life.

>> That you couldn't give me

30 seconds to walk in and

give him--

>> Jackie: Hello! I hear talking

outside the door!

>> Yeah. I'm just going to go

sit in the audience.

>> That's a good idea.

>> Okay. Hey, have a wonderful

show.

>> Thanks.

>> ( clicks tongue ) Top-notch.

>> Top-notch. ( clicks tongue )

>> Five minutes, Miss Halford.

>> ( laughs )

>> Hey.

>> Hi.

>> Is everybody decent? Is that

okay, ladies? You were great in

that saloon, the Western thing,

very funny. Hi. How are you?

>> Hello.

>> I just wanted to wish you

good luck tonight.

>> Oh, thank you. You too. Hey,

Mr. Big Shot. Big city debut.

>> Yeah.

>> Club Miami, huh?

>> Yeah. Yeah. Oh, come here.

Come here. I heard something.

I want to ask you. Come here.

Listen, I was thinking maybe

after our shows, we can get

together at my place tonight.

What do you say? Come on.

>> I told-- Jackie, we had

this conversation. I'm waiting.

>> What are you waiting for,

a rainy day? I've been waiting

for six months. Is there

a little part of you that

doesn't have to wait?

>> Knock it off.

>> ( gasps )

>> ( laughs )

>> Hey, why don't you come by

my show tomorrow night?

>> Oh, actually, I have

dinner plans.

>> Well, maybe after dinner, you

can come by, and I'll leave you

two tickets for the late show.

>> Hey, Jackie, where is

this going?

>> Come on, you know this has

been a crazy year for me with

everything going on, and now

I'm playing the bigger rooms

in the city, and--

>> I know, but where do

I fit into that?

>> Ah, come on, Jen. You know

I'm crazy about you.

>> Well, I don't want crazy.

Someday I want a family.

>> Jen. Sorry. We're on next.

>> Okay, I'll be right there.

>> Okay.

>> All right, go get 'em, tiger.

You got a packed house tonight.

Remember everything

I taught you.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Plié, plié.

>> Stop it.

>> I'll see you tomorrow night?

>> I'll try.

>> Good luck.

So, did you see the way

I murdered 'em tonight?

>> What'd I tell you about

stealing, huh? Jackie, you did

two of my jokes.

>> And they killed. You, my

friend, are an excellent writer.

Come on, dinner's on me.

>> Where we going?

>> We're going right here.

>> Yeah, well, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

We're going in here?

>> Well, we ain't

going bowling.

>> Yeah, but this place is

for big shots.

>> Well, then, maybe you should

wait outside. They happen

to cater to entertainers. That's

us. And you don't have to pay.

You just sign for everything.

>> Entertainers who make

a living. Eventually you got

to pay it back.

>> Eventually. Come on.

Hey, I bet they have scampi.

>> I'm not eating.

>> You'll eat.

>> I can't afford this.

>> Ah, you think small,

my friend.

>> ( music playing )

>> I got two weeks' salary

on my plate. I can't eat this.

I'll get indigestion.

>> What are you worried about?

You're not paying for it.

Eat your potato. You want

to trade for the donkey here?

>> Jackie, Jackie, it's...

>> Ahem. Excuse me, Mr. Shor.

>> Mr. Shor.

>> Excuse me. I just want to

tell you, you have a beautiful

restaurant here, and maybe next

time, I can get a table

near a waiter.

>> ( laughs ) Do I know you?

>> Mr. Shor--

>> My name's Jackie Gleason. I'm

headlining up at the Club Miami,

and it would be my honor to have

you as my guest anytime.

>> Thank you. What do you do?

>> What do I do? I'm a comic.

>> ( chuckles ) Good for you.

>> Excuse me, Mr. Shor. Jack

Benny is ready for his table.

>> Great. Nice to meet you.

>> Likewise.

Well, that went well.

>> Ahem.

>> May I have a pen so I may

sign my tab, please?

>> Do you have a tab?

>> Are you calling me a liar?

Does your mommy know you're up

this late? Why don't you send a

nice bottle over to Mr. Benny's

table and put something

on there for yourself.

We're in.

>> You don't have to answer

me. They're jokes, not

a conversation. What do I know?

That's why I never shower alone,

ladies and gentlemen. How about

this marvelous club, Club Miami?

Is this wild here? I got to tell

you, the food is fit for a king.

Here, King! ( kiss )

Come on, boy. Where are you?

>> ( laughter )

>> What the hell you looking at,

pal? You look like you lost your

best friend. By any chance,

did he run off with your hair?

>> Yeah.

>> Could you put your head

on dim? ( chuckles ) Good thing

about it, pal, at least if

you find a hair in your soup,

you know it ain't yours.

But I got to tell you, life is

good, ladies and gentlemen.

My landlord called me the other

day, told me I have three days

to pay rent. I said, "Okay,

I pick Easter, Thanksgiving,

and New Year's Eve, 1962.

>> ( laughter )

>> And you, get your legs

together. What, are you

waiting for a parade?

You should see what I see.

I'm Jackie Gleason.

Have a good night.

>> ( applause )

>> Stu, come on.

>> So, where's Jen? Thought I

saw her come in here tonight.

>> Oh, yeah? I didn't even

notice. Crowd was so hot.

Let's go. Come on.

>> Come on, Jackie, you've had

enough, buddy. ( sighs )

>> Come here. Hey, I'll tell you

when I had enough.

Jen. Open the door, Jen. Jen,

open the door, I got to do--

Jen, open the door! Come on,

why don't you send the bum out?

Send the bum out! Catholic girl,

my ass. I know what goes on

in here, Jen!

>> Jackie, what are you doing?

>> Unlock the door.

Unlock the door!

>> Stop it.

>> Is he in there?

>> Get out!

>> Open it up.

>> See? Look. Look for yourself.

>> Where is he? Send him out.

>> There's no one there.

You know the way I am.

You're being ridiculous.

>> What were you doing?

What were you doing to me?

You think you can go down

to a club where I work in front

of my friends with another guy

and show me up?

>> I can go out with

whoever I want.

>> What? Go out with whomever

you want? Who is he?

>> A f--

>> Who is he?!

>> We're friends.

>> A friend? What the hell am I?

I'm not a friend! You don't do

that to people!

>> Hey! It's 4:00

in the morning!

>> Huh?

>> Shut the hell up!

>> Yeah, you want to be next?

>> Okay, Jackie, wait.

You're scaring me now, okay?

>> Scaring you?

>> Please, please go home.

>> Let me in.

>> No.

>> What happened when you said

you cared about me?

Remember when you cared

about me? I miss that!

>> All right, Jackie, you have

to care too.

>> Does this look like a guy who

doesn't care? Let me in.

>> It's not worth it.

>> I want to tell you a story.

>> It's not worth it.

>> It is worth-- no, it is.

I'll tell you why!

>> ( lock clicks )

>> It's worth it!

Okay.

>> Read all about it.

Jackie says he's sorry.

>> ( sighs )

>> How does a fella get

some eggs around here?

>> Jackie.

>> I knew you'd be back.

>> Are you crazy?

You slept in the hall?

>> Well, I was in no condition

to walk.

>> Because you drink too much.

>> Fella's got to have a hobby.

>> ( chuckles ) Stop it.

I'm serious.

>> Jen...

...listen to me. I can change.

I have a reason to now.

>> You must sleep.

>> I'll never sleep again unless

you marry me, Jen.

>> What?

>> Listen, I made a mess

of things, and I want to make

it up to you, Jen.

>> How, by marrying me?

You don't want to get

married, Jackie.

>> I don't have a choice.

You know why? 'Cause I'm never

going to let you go.

I am perfect for you.

>> You're perfect for you.

>> Well, maybe it's contagious.

>> ( scoffs )

>> Come on, you know the drill.

Go buy a beautiful white dress,

walk down the aisle, and I will

make you the happiest woman

on Earth.

>> I'm not ready for this, Jac--

>> Well, go get ready, and I'll

go buy a cake.

>> I can't marry you like this.

>> What, are you kidding? Do you

know how gorgeous you are in

yellow? You're something else.

>> Oh!

>> Come on, you are a good one.

Want me to get that? Whoa.

>> ( music playing )

>> Whoo!

>> ( overlapping chatter )

>> Nothing wrong with that.

>> The same one.

>> Excuse me.

>> Oh, come on. It's wonderful.

Just one dance.

>> ( indistinct whisper )

* Oh, when the saints

* Come marching in

* Oh, when the saints

* Go marching in

Hah!

>> Your brother-in-law here is

something else, huh?

>> He certainly is.

>> Yeah.

>> He certainly is.

>> * Oh, when the saints

* Come marching in.

>> You look so beautiful.

>> Are you going to dance?

>> Yeah!

>> You're going to dance?

>> How are you, ladies?

>> Hi, Sammy.

>> Hi, Sammy.

>> I'm going to go get

some more punch. See you.

>> Okay. Yes.

Hey, have you seen Jackie?

>> Yeah. He's on the stage

in the back doing his act.

>> He's doing a show tonight?

>> Yeah. And the late show too.

How do you think he's paying for

the wedding? What a guy, huh?

How are you?

>> Ladies and gentlemen, I want

to talk to you about marriage,

which I believe to be an expert

on, because I have been married

approximately five hours.

>> ( laughter )

>> And they said it would never

last. You know, they say, ladies

and gentlemen, that marriage is

like a three-ring circus.

You got the engagement ring,

you got the wedding ring,

and then you got the suffering.

>> ( laughter )

>> There it is, pal. One size

fits nobody! Are you married?

It's a wonderful institution.

I'm just not ready to be

institutionalized. Where is she?

Where is my bride?

I'm going to miss her.

>> Hold the curtain, pal.

Right next to it. There you go.

>> Bring it on down

the other end.

>> Ready music.

>> All right, 10 seconds

to music and announce everyone.

And five, four, three,

two, one.

>> Ladies and gentlemen, Jackie

Gleason presents "Stage Show!"

>> ( music playing )

>> ( applause )

>> And now your host for this

evening, Jackie Gleason!

>> ( cheering )

>> Thank you very much,

everybody! Wow. Thank you.

Oh, how sweet it is!

How about a hand for the June

Taylor Dancers, everybody?

Aren't they marvelous?

Thank you, everybody. Welcome

to "Stage Show." Tonight we have

an immensely talented group

of performers for you tonight.

And for the first time ever,

right after this program, a full

half-hour of "The Honeymooners."

Would you like to see that,

everyone?

>> ( cheering )

>> I knew you would. On with

the show. And away we go!

>> ( music playing )

>> Oh, look at this. She's got

her daddy's eyes. Welcome

to the world, sweetheart.

>> Isn't she amazing, Jackie?

>> She's beautiful,

just beautiful. Look, look,

look, look, look, look. Look,

she's staring right at me,

like she knows me or something.

>> ( laughs )

>> It's unbelievable.

>> This is all I ever wanted.

>> You know, Jen, for the first

time in my life, I know what

a family feels like.

>> You've made me so happy,

Jackie.

>> And you know what I'm going

to do? I'm going to get as much

work as I can in the city so I

won't have to go on the road.

How do you leave this?

Look at her. Look at her.

>> Well, if you do go on the

road, we'll just come with you.

>> Absolutely. After all, I got

to take care of my girls.

Look at that smile. Huh? See?

She knows good humor.

>> I got to tell you something.

Two days ago--

No, wait. That wasn't me.

>> ( laughter )

>> You're a dandy crowd!

>> Hey, isn't he great?

>> Look at this guy. Didn't you

see the sign out there?

There's an age limit at this

nightclub, pal. You gotta be

under 100.

>> ( laughter )

>> By the way, the Civil War

called. They found your diary.

>> ( laughter )

>> I'm kidding. The cemetery

called. Your room's ready.

>> ( laughter )

>> How you doing, pal? Make you

feel at home. Wah!

Wah!

>> ( laughter )

>> More embalming fluid

on this table. Put it on my tab.

>> ( laughter )

>> Oh, you're a good crowd!

A year ago, you didn't even

want to handle me.

>> A year ago,

you weren't that funny.

>> I should be charging you 15%.

>> Excuse me. I wonder if I can

have a word with you?

>> Now, listen, pal, it's all

in the fun. That's part

of the show. Let me get

my friend a see-through.

>> To go.

>> To go is good.

>> No. No, listen, I should be

buying you a drink.

>> Please don't.

>> All right.

Now you're talking.

>> I haven't laughed like that

in a long time.

>> You got to get out more.

>> Thanks for dropping by.

Jackie, we were talking--

>> Excuse me. I don't

mean to be intrusive...

>> Here we go.

>> ...but I'm out here

from the Coast.

>> That's nice.

>> The name is Warner.

>> Hiya, Warner. And, who's

your nurse? Hello, sweetheart.

>> Wait, wait, wait. Warner?

>> Looks like they

poured you into that.

>> As in Warner Bros.?

>> Exactly. Just like it says

on the sign over my studio.

>> Could you wait a minute?

It's Warner from Warner Bros.

>> Uh-huh.

>> Yeah. Bullets Durgom,

Jackie's manager.

Nice to meet you.

>> Oh, "Bullets."

Interesting name.

>> So, could you get him

a drink, for crying out loud?

>> Come on, while we're young.

>> And which brother are you?

>> Jack Warner. I'm the brother

that's going to put your boy

here in pictures.

>> The better-looking brother.

>> No, the smarter one.

>> There you go.

Oh, how sweet it is! ( laughs )

>> Have a seat there, darling.

>> There you go.

Here's a drink.

>> Well, thank you very much.

I appreciate that.

>> It's all right.

>> To pictures.

>> To pictures it is.

>> So guess who was in the front

row of the club last night,

who I kept grilling. Guess.

>> Oh, I don't know.

I don't know.

>> Jack Warner.

>> Uh...

>> One of the Warner brothers.

>> ( gasps )

>> That's right. That's right.

He loved the act. After the

show, he goes up to Bullets

and says he wants to put me

in one of his movies that's

in production right now.

>> ( squeals )

>> Huh? Easy, you're going to

scare the kid. You're going to--

don't scare-- did Mommy scare--

>> Sorry. I'm sorry.

>> Yes, sweetheart.

>> Oh, sweetie.

>> Yeah. Is that unbelievable?

>> It's amazing. Oh, when do

we leave?

>> This kid is amazing.

She never sleeps. You're just

like your daddy.

>> Oh.

>> You got to go to bed.

The sun's coming up.

>> Oh.

>> Here.

>> I'll take her.

>> All right. Okay. I got to get

all my things in order.

Jen, this is the biggest thing

that's ever happened to me. It's

turning. You feel it turning?

>> Oh, I do.

>> It is turning.

>> It's so great. So how long

do you think we'll be

in Los Angeles?

>> Well, see, that's just the

thing. You know, it's probably

just, you know, like a year

contract, so to uproot everybody

and go clear across the country

probably doesn't make sense

right now.

>> You aren't going to take us

with you?

>> Jen, we got to start thinking

about the kid. I mean, you think

she's fussy now? Can you imagine

we all get on a train and go

clear across to California?

She'll never sleep. And with

the time change and everything,

forget about it.

>> But I thought you said we

were going to be a family?

>> I'm thinking about

the family.

>> I just don't understand why

you would want to leave

without us.

>> Jen, it's a picture with

the Warner brothers. Can't you

be happy for me? Hmm? Come on,

two, three pictures a year, I'll

never have to go on the road

anymore. You understand?

>> Yeah. Yeah.

I understand.

>> All right, there's my girl.

All right. Is the blue blazer

clean?

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Where are the beige slacks?

You said-- okay, here they are.

Here they are. Did you ever

think that you would be married

to a movie star? Huh?

>> ( laughs )

>> "Navy Blues," scene seven.

Apple. Take 16.

>> And action!

>> Well, that was a crazy couple

of days. I've never been seasick

before. ( laughs ) All right,

guys, load 'em in there. Go tell

the fellas that we're ready

to go!

>> Cut!

>> Cut it!

>> All right. That felt good.

Did we get it?

>> No, we didn't get it.

>> Oh, well, why'd you cut?

>> Can you not do that stupid

little dance? Because your line

cues him.

>> How you doing?

>> And then you walk out

of the shot. Let's stick

to the script.

>> Okay. I was just trying

to make it funnier, that's all.

>> Well, it was funny before we

hired you. Hmm?

>> Whoa, whoa, whoa. Chappy,

what the hell does that mean?

>> I thought we went through all

of this yesterday. All right,

everyone, let's go again.

>> Excuse me. Look, you know,

you're doing a big-time picture

here. If I see the opportunity

to make it a little funnier,

what's the problem with that?

>> You want to play the role

of Tubby or you don't.

>> Okay, see, now that's

the other thing. I feel that

the name of the character is

just a little--

>> Accurate?

>> See, now that's the kind

of humor you can use

in your directing.

>> That's lunch, everyone.

One hour. We'll be back at 2:00.

>> You want to see funny?

>> Gleason.

>> You want to see funny?

>> Back at 2:00! Back at 2:00!

>> Yeah, everybody take an hour.

>> Yeah, you take a long lunch,

Gleason. Come to think of it,

take the day off. We'll see you

tomorrow. Take a bath.

Cool off.

>> You're not funny.

>> You get me Jack Warner

on the horn.

>> You just couldn't stop,

could you?

>> ( telephone rings )

( telephone rings )

( telephone rings )

>> Yeah?

>> Hi. Finally. I haven't heard

from you in five days.

How's it going?

>> I got canned, Jen. Okay?

>> ( crying )

>> What?

>> I got fired. The damn

director, he wouldn't let me

make it funny. The writing was

horrible, okay? And--

>> ( crying )

>> Could you try to get the kid

to be quiet so I can have

a minute with you here?

>> You need to come home,

Jackie.

>> ( wailing )

>> We need you here with us.

>> Can you believe they did this

to me? They're telling me what's

funny. Can you believe that?

I just wanted to make it better.

You know me.

>> Hey, Jackie, I'm pregnant.

Jackie, are you there?

Are you happy?

>> Yeah, why not?

Of course, baby.

>> We miss you, Jackie.

>> We haven't seen nor heard

from him for the past

three days. ( screams )

>> Excuse me.

>> Shall I call an ambulance?

>> This guy's dead. He needs

a priest.

>> I got here as quickly

as I could.

>> What a waste, huh, Father?

>> Not really. Actually,

he wasn't that funny, at least

not in my movies.

>> ( vomits )

>> ( flushing )

>> ( coughs )

No, no, no. Why would you

do that?

>> How much longer are you going

to make us live like

this, Jackie?

>> I don't want to hear it

right now, Jen.

>> You've been like this for

two months. Look what I got.

You know what this is?

It's the final notice for our

electricity. They're turning it

off. We have a baby, Jackie.

We have no savings. When are

you going to come out of hiding?

What do you expect us to do?

>> Why don't you take the kid

and go move in with your folks

till I can figure it out?

>> How about instead of us

leaving, you come back?

>> ( knock on door )

>> Don't get it, Jen. I need two

more days. I need two more days!

( slams table )

>> You realize your phone

doesn't work. I haven't heard

from him in three weeks. How are

you? You all right? Huh? Okay.

Where is he? Is he--

( laughs ) I knew it.

Okay.

>> What do you want?

>> Ready to go back to work?

>> How many times I got to tell

you, I don't want to do

the clubs anymore.

>> Did I say, "clubs"?

Did the word "clubs" come out

of my mouth? I didn't say

"clubs." I'm talking about

Broadway. I got you something on

Broadway, kid. Huh? Huh? It's a

big street in the middle of

town, Jackie. It's got a lot of

lights, theaters. The Broadhurst

Theatre, they're rehearsing

something right now. I talked

to the director. He loves you.

Jackie, he loves you. He's a big

fan. Come on.

>> I can't do Broadway

right now. I'm going to have

to wait on that.

>> I'm going to tell him you're

starting 9:00 tomorrow morning.

>> You're not gonna tell me

when I'm gonna start.

I'm not doing it tomorrow.

>> I'm doing you a favor.

I'm not listening to you,

all right? 9:00 tomorrow

morning or never.

Look...

...take a little break from

the booze, will you? Huh? Okay.

Here. Take it.

Jen. And what I'd like you

to do, honey, could you do me a

favor? Could you turn the phone

back on? Because I am not going

to come here every time I want

to talk to you. Take it. I got

other clients, all right? 9:00.

>> You believe him?

>> It's a whimsical collage

of music and comedy sketches.

>> Uh-huh.

>> And I want you to bring your

wonderful sense of wit and

whimsy to the production. I want

you to bring Jackie Gleason

to the role.

>> You have a script?

>> Jackie-- may I call you

Jackie? The character doesn't

actually exist as yet. I want

you to create it. Hmm?

>> I like that.

>> I thought you might. Yes.

What we'll do is we'll improvise

during rehearsals, and then

we'll just keep the bits that

truly tickle our collective

funny bone.

>> Okay.

>> I smell smash, Jackie.

( laughs )

>> Sit down.

>> All right.

>> Before you fly away.

>> ( laughs )

>> ( laughs )

>> ( moaning )

>> ( pop )

>> Oh!

>> ( laughter )

>> Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Always remember, nonmembers

play on Tuesday.

>> ( drum boings )

>> Mmm. Smooth! Let's go, pick

another bunker. Better yet, get

yourself a couple snow cones.

Mush, gentlemen. Mush.

You're in my light. Mush!

>> Oh.

>> Seven iron, my dear.

Oh, you're a good one. You have

the eye of an eagle and the tail

of a puppy. Mmm. You're going

to make it hard to keep my head

down. Wah! All right, darling,

remember to yell, "Fore."

Make that two. Mmm.

>> Two!

>> Whoa! It's a beauty!

Oh, is it a beauty! Oh, my!

>> Yes, he's back.

>> Marvelous. Absolutely.

>> If you leave him alone,

he's great.

>> Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, I know

that. I know that.

>> Mmm, I could see

the clubhouse. I believe they're

open for lunch. Mush, darling.

Mush. Mmm. Did I tell you

the wife had a nasty fall?

>> ( laughter )

>> I can't believe these

reviews. Crawford usually

hates everybody. ( laughs )

Listen to this. "Rising new

comic, Jackie Gleason."

>> ( crying )

>> Okay, come on.

>> He spelled "Gleason" wrong.

>> That's great, honey. Hi.

All right, let's go take

our baths.

>> What do you mean baths?

Daddy's going to sit here

and eat alone?

>> Well, Daddy was two hours

late for dinner, wasn't he?

>> That's because Daddy

had rehearsal.

>> Hey, maybe Daddy will give

you a bath tonight.

>> "Jackie Gleason, the new

leading man in a long--"

( laughs ) Leading man?

When did I become a leading man?

Maybe I should try being

a leading man. Jen, you think

I should be a leading man?

>> I really wouldn't know.

>> That's right. You wouldn't

know, would you?

>> I don't wanna!

>> Maybe you could try being

a father and a husband.

>> What the hell does that mean?

Hmm? I'm not a husband and

a father? What do you think all

this is, hmm? Magic? Oh,

that's really great. Why don't

you try being a wife?

>> A wife? You don't

want a wife.

>> Here we go.

>> You want a maid and a mother.

Well, I am tired of being your

maid, and I am certainly not

going to be your mother.

>> I'd give you that.

>> ( crying )

>> Do you want to hear about

Daddy's review along Fifth

Avenue? How he's making 'em

laugh at-- what does the "Great

White Way" mean?

>> Just let her settle down,

Jackie. It'll get better.

>> That's easy for you to say.

You're happily married.

You're a Martian.

Merry Christmas, pal.

>> Jackie.

>> ( radio playing music )

>> ( laughs ) Jackie, this is

some watch.

>> It's not some watch. It's a

Wittnauer. It's automatic.

You don't have to wind it.

>> You're kidding. I got

a present for you out back.

>> Finally. What's the point

of having a phone if you're not

there to answer it?

>> Look what I got.

>> Ah, you got one too? I got

three of them. He's a regular

Santa Claus. Hey, big shot,

remember when you told me

Broadway would never amount

to anything? Remember that?

>> Did I say that? I must have

been sober.

>> What does this word mean

to you? "Television."

>> Berle. Skelton. Benny.

>> Jackie, we have got an offer.

Look at me. An offer to do

television. You're going

to host a variety show

on the DuMont Network.

Huh? "Cavalcade of Stars."

>> Gentlemen.

>> What kind of title is that?

>> Did you hear what I had

to say to you? This is an offer

to do television.

>> I don't know about

the DuMont Network.

>> Jackie, this is your

Christmas present.

>> What is it?

>> And by the way,

she's automatic. You don't have

to wind her up. Merry Christmas.

>> Ho ho ho.

>> Mmm. Well, yes, yes, yes.

Now, how am I supposed to get

you down my chimney?

>> Are we going to have

this conversation or not?

>> Have you met my elf?

>> No.

>> After you.

>> We--

>> Back to the workshop.

Make toys. Toys, my boy.

>> Jackie, we're talking about

this. Hey. Hey! Listen to me!

>> Listen how his shoes jingle.

It's a fun place, but you don't

want to eat here. Let's go.

>> No. We're going to have

this conversation now.

>> We'll do it tomorrow.

Take it easy.

>> We're doing it now.

It's too important.

>> No, we're fine.

>> Would you wait a minute?

>> You're crushing the hat!

>> I'm falling down on the ice.

Can you stand over here

for a minute?

>> What are you doing?

>> I need to talk to you.

What are you doing?

>> He's not a well man.

>> What are you doing?

You have a wife and kids,

don't you? Huh?

>> It's the holidays.

>> All right, listen to me.

This television show is live.

No director is going to be able

to cut your gags.

>> All right, well, look,

let me think about it.

What's the dough?

>> 600 a week.

>> I'm not doing it for $600.

>> All right.

>> What kind of manager are you?

>> You're right. You don't need

the exposure. You just stay

with a small audience. It's 600

a week to start. All right?

>> What does "cavalcade"

mean, anyway?

>> Listen to me.

>> It's a two-week trial.

>> Uh-huh.

>> If you hit it out of the

park, the sky is the limit.

You know what? I already said

yes, okay? Merry Christmas.

Hey, you're welcome.

>> You do not have

the power to...

Can you believe this guy?

I'm telling you, he's a madman.

You have a friend for him?

Now, this is beautiful.

This is beautiful. This is what

it's about.

>> ( song playing )

>> Whoa.

>> * I'm thinking of ways

* To prove that I love you

* Oh, I've got so much more

* Important things to do.

>> Coming in and dip back. Ooh.

>> The Druggist Association of

America presents The DuMont

Network's "Cavalcade of Stars,"

starring your host, Jackie

Gleason, with the June Taylor

Dancers. And now,

here's Jackie Gleason!

>> ( applause )

>> Whoa! Thank you, everybody.

Welcome to "Cavalcade of Stars."

I'm Jackie Gleason. As the cow

said to the farmer, "Thanks for

the warm hand."

>> ( laughter )

>> I think it's time to put that

joke out to pasture. You know, I

got to tell you, backstage I met

a gal with a million-dollar

smile. She'd only smile at guys

that had a million dollars.

>> ( laughter )

>> Girls, that's your cue.

>> Tonight's show is brought

to you by Gleam-O-Dent with

phosphoryl, in peppermint...

>> And spearmint.

>> Mmm, girls, do you want

to get paid?

Yow! Oh, they're a good one.

Give 'em a hand. Makes you want

to brush between meals. Ooh!

You're in for a real treat

tonight. Thanks for staying

tuned to "Cavalcade."

Sammy, a little traveling music?

>> ( bouncy tune playing )

>> ( laughter )

>> Oh!

Hah! Hah! Hah! Thanks for tuning

in to "Cavalcade!" On with

the show, and away we go!

>> ( show theme playing )

>> Whoa!

Who okayed these costumes?

>> Keely Smith has one song.

>> I know that. I booked her.

>> Then you do the Reggie

sketch. And your manager is

in your room.

>> Wonderful.

>> Willy, what is that?

A scotch? Water it down.

Water it down. All good!

Opening monologue, hilarious!

I was standing there.

I almost pissed my pants.

>> You think I pay you

to kiss my ass?

>> What are you talking about?

>> Do I pay you to kiss my ass?

>> It was funny.

>> What did you hear out there?

>> There were laughs out there.

>> What did you hear? You want

to know what I heard? Crickets!

>> You're right. It could

be a little better.

>> What the hell is that?

>> Huh? I'll talk to 'em.

>> Mr. Gleason.

>> Let's go. Let's go.

>> I'll get the writers.

>> Get the writers. All right.

You're combing the back

of my neck. Give me this.

>> You wanted to see

us, Mr. Gleason?

>> Yeah, yeah. Which one

of you geniuses wrote

that opening monologue?

>> Well, we both did.

>> Yeah.

>> You both did, huh? Well,

you know what? You both stink!

This just in. We're trying to do

comedy. It read like a damn

weather report out there.

>> Well, I think they got--

>> Oh, no, no.

>> You want to write for radio?

No? Go upstairs

and try it again.

>> One minute, Mr. Gleason.

>> No. No. I know, Joel.

Where you think I'm going,

on a cruise? It's a clip-on,

for Christ's sakes. Put it on.

Put-- I'm running a circus.

>> Your tie's not on.

>> I'm running a circus.

>> The tie's not on.

>> Do me a favor. Do something.

>> Okay. Let me put the tie on.

Here.

>> ( applause )

>> ( band playing )

>> ( humming a tune )

>> Oh, that's a good year.

Tuesday. ( resumes humming )

>> ( laughter )

>> One hell of a good omelet.

Hmm. ( resumes humming )

>> ( drum boings )

>> Smooth!

>> ( laughs ) That's great.

>> Fire in the hole!

Hmm. ( resumes humming )

Mmm, boy. Hmm.

>> ( laughter )

>> ( laughing )

>> Son. Ahem. Son.

>> Hmm. Perfect timing, Daddy.

I try not to overexercise

on the weekend.

>> ( laughter )

>> You see, Mother? He is

no good. He is a bum.

>> Son, your father is right.

>> Hmm. Boy, are you fat.

>> ( laughter )

( applause )

>> He's a bum.

>> See? Huh? ( laughs )

Brilliant! Brilliant!

I got some very good news.

>> See, now they know the

character. See the difference?

>> Jackie, thank you so much

for putting me in the sketch

out there.

>> Oh, were you in the sketch

out there? Artie, do me a favor.

When I'm getting my laughs,

don't stand there mugging,

'cause it's distracting.

>> Oh, yeah, sure, Jackie.

>> Thanks for stopping by.

I want to talk to you.

>> Did you make reservations?

>> Yeah, for 10:00.

>> Five people.

>> Five? I'll take care of it.

Carney is terrific.

He's a very good foil for you.

>> He's got a lot to learn.

>> I think you should use him

as often as possible.

>> Are you booking the show now?

>> I'm trying to tell you,

you're going to be a busy boy.

The sponsors are going

completely nuts. Listen--

>> Well, why wouldn't they?

>> I talked to DuMont.

They want a whole year!

>> ( laughs ) And you were

worried about the two weeks.

>> I know.

>> I love it.

So, what'd you tell 'em?

>> They had to meet our price

or take a walk off a short pier.

>> Stick it to 'em.

>> I know.

>> Stick it to 'em.

>> I tell you, I'm gonna turn

you into a millionaire

yet, kid.

>> Hey, you got it backwards,

Bullets. I'm turning you

into a millionaire.

>> Well, I know. I was just--

>> You were just what? You were

just what? Taking the credit

like everybody else?

>> Well, I--

>> Who's the one busting his

rump out there every night?

>> Hey, let's go.

>> ( laughter )

>> Look, that's Jackie Gleason.

>> It's one of mine.

>> Oh, you are a good one.

>> All right, and then let--

>> Excuse me. Could I finish?

>> All right, go ahead, finish.

>> So the cop says to the guy,

he says, "What the hell you

doing out at 4:00 in the

morning?" And the guy says,

"Well, if I knew that,

I'd be at home with my wife."

>> ( laughter )

>> Ladies and gentlemen,

The Great One.

>> Thank you. You don't have

to do that.

>> All right.

>> That's funny.

>> How would you know?

>> That's one of Berle's.

>> Oh, yeah?

>> He steals from the best.

So do you.

>> What do you mean?

>> Everybody knows you

like to...

>> Say it.

>> Borrow. ( chuckles )

>> All right, come on, we're all

just having a good time.

>> Oh, you sure the hell are.

You're having big steaks and

booze at my expense. Why not

have a good time at my expense?

>> Jackie, if I said something

wrong, I apologize. You know

I didn't mean nothing by it.

>> Nah, it's not a matter

of something wrong. You just

said what's on your mind.

>> You saying I'm jealous?

>> No. See, you would have to be

a contender to be jealous.

You are envious.

>> So now I'm envious.

>> And pathetic.

>> Yeah. Okay, you're a

schoolteacher, and you go

in the room, and the kids are

going crazy.

>> They're yelling, screaming--

>> No, no, no. School's not

funny. What else?

>> Okay, you're a clerk

in a complaints department,

except you're rude to everyone

who comes in.

>> No, no, no. I'd be the one

coming in to complain.

>> Cowboy?

>> No. What'd I tell you

about cowboys?

>> Okay, just getting back

to the schoolteacher thing.

>> Why would you get back

to the schoolteacher?

>> We think Carney--

>> I can see Carney.

>> Okay, listen. Carney has

enough to do, okay? He's a

busy man. You know what? Do me

a favor. You guys come sit down.

You're scaring me. Come on.

All right, now listen.

Does everybody have a pen?

>> Yes.

>> I would appreciate it if

you write this down.

Think funny, okay? Humor comes

out of conflict, not an

occupation, but it comes out

of relationships and situations,

right? Okay, let's say we

have a couple.

>> A couple of guys.

>> Yeah. Roomies.

>> No, no, no. A married couple.

Let's say they're married, okay?

They've been at it a while,

but they're always at each

other's throats, but they

love each other.

>> And they live in

a great big mansion.

>> Yeah, yeah, a penthouse.

>> Okay, rich isn't funny.

You understand? You want to put

'em in a two-room tenement.

>> Okay, so they're poor?

>> Who said they were poor?

They're struggling. Write it

down. Struggling.

You know the feeling.

>> Okay, and when he gets home,

there's a bunch of kids just--

>> And they're yelling--

>> There's no kids. Because they

argue, and it isn't funny when

you argue in front of children.

He's the kid. That's the point.

>> Right.

>> He's the big-- the big baby,

the blubbering kid that

won't grow up.

>> Okay, so then it's

just the two of them,

and they're loners--

>> I didn't say-- why would you

want to make 'em loners?

You want to have conflict

of other people. They're social.

>> Carney could go there.

>> Carney would be

a great neighbor.

>> Okay. Carney can be

a neighbor. He pops in every

once in a while, stirs it up.

>> So what does this guy

do for a living?

>> He drives a cab.

>> Worse. A bus. A bus. He's a

bus driver, takes a bus up and

down Fifth Avenue all day long,

carting around people that are

better off than he is. But every

scheme and everything he tries

fails. And he does it for her,

but he fails. Titles.

What does it feel like?

>> Uh...

>> It's a guy that's always--

he's failing with his schemes.

He loves his wife.

>> "The Failure." I mean...

>> Would you watch a show

called "The Failure"?

>> No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't.

>> "The Beast." Huh?

>> Please leave.

>> Hold on. Jackie, how about

"The Couple Next Door"?

>> Ooh. Ooh. Yeah.

>> "The Honeymooners."

Write that down.

It is my cup, but I don't drink

coffee. All right, let's just

give it a try. Okay? Artie?

>> Take 'em over there.

>> "Alice, did you make me

my eats? I'm starving."

>> "I know you're starving.

That's why I'm making you

a salad."

>> "Do I have to have a salad

today? Can I just get a little

piece of bread?"

>> "Bread? I didn't bake any

bread, Ralph. You're on a diet,

remember?"

>> "Well, if you didn't make any

bread, what have you been doing?

You--" you know, let's just--

Frank, we're going to put this

on its feet, all right?

>> Okay, Jackie, sure.

>> Let's just block it up.

You know where you are.

>> Yeah.

>> Right? Let's just try it out

right around here. Now, how

would this look in a two shot?

Okay, that's wrong. Two shot.

>> Two shot, please.

>> Way too tight!

Way too tight!

>> Loosen that up, please.

>> Too wide. In.

>> Okay, too wide now, please.

>> In closer.

>> Closer, please.

>> Right. Right the--

>> It looks great.

>> No, it's not great.

I'll let you know when it's

great. That's wide.

>> Okay.

>> Okay? Right-- good God.

You'll work that out later?

>> Yes.

>> All right, let's try

the lines, shall we? Alice,

you got my eats? I'm starving.

>> I know you're starving.

That's why I'm making you

a salad!

>> Okay, hold on. Hold on.

You don't want to walk away on

a line. First of all, you're not

scared of Ralph. When he lets

you have it, you confront this

guy. You take no guff from him

at all. All right?

You're right there.

>> All right.

>> You're not scared of Ralph.

>> Okay. All right.

>> Okay. Let's try it again.

Alice, you got my eats?

I'm starving.

>> I know you're starving.

That's why I'm making

you a salad!

>> Better. But you don't want

to move on the line, because it

waters it down, especially--

>> All right, got it.

>> Hold on. How can you "got it"

if you're not listening to me?

So let me get-- all right?

>> All right.

>> Unless you're clairvoyant,

which I don't think you are.

Because I know she's beautiful.

Maybe she's-- I don't know.

>> I'll all ears, Jackie.

>> All right, my doll.

Okay, again. Frank, now,

if you're going to use-- Frank?

>> Yes?

>> Are you going to use this

shot? Because the table's not

going to work here. You either

got to move the table or widen

the shot. I got to work upstage

so I can cross to the icebox.

>> Okay, we'll move the table.

>> Let's move the table.

Two feet, camera left.

>> Props! Can we please move the

table three feet camera left?

>> Two feet.

>> Two feet.

>> Camera left.

>> Yes, sir.

>> Got it.

>> Three guys to move a table.

That's the union I got

to be in. ( laughs )

Thank you, guys. You may want

to rest. All righty. Let's just

hit it with the last one.

>> Got it.

>> If you didn't make any bread,

what have you been doing?

>> Letting out the seat

of your pants.

>> ( chuckles ) You're going

to get yours, Alice.

Oh, you're going to get yours.

Bang! Zoom!

Okay, that's your cue, Art.

Is there a problem?

>> No, no, I was just waiting

for the laugh.

>> There's not an audience.

>> Just giving it a beat.

>> Okay. Take the beat.

Please come in on, "Bang. Zoom."

It'll help, okay? And remember,

creep up.

>> Sure. Sure.

>> Okay. Take it from there.

Oh, you're going to get yours.

You are going to get yours.

Bang! Zoom!

>> Hey there, Ralphie boy!

>> Bah! Why are you sneaking up

behind me for? You know I ain't

got any food in here! I could

have passed right out.

>> Ralph, you mind if I have

dinner here? They're painting

my apartment, and I can't stand

the smell of paint.

>> That's great, Norton.

You know I'm on a big diet that

Alice has me on, and you come

down with a sandwich like that.

Oh, that's a beauty.

>> I was hungry.

>> You were hungry.

You're a riot, Norton.

You're a regular riot.

>> Well, you want a bite?

>> Get out! Get out! Out!

>> See what I'm telling you?

>> Get out!

>> Sheesh!

>> Out!

>> What a grump.

>> We have got to get this man

on CBS. When's his contract up

at DuMont?

>> Charlie?

>> That's easy to find out.

>> Do it.

>> But is he representative of

what our audience wants to see?

>> I don't know. I mean,

he lacks Ed Sullivan's charm,

but he's funny.

>> Yeah. Funny.

>> He may need to lose weight.

>> ...Ralph. You're on a diet.

>> Yeah, may be a little heavy.

>> I think he's perfect.

>> I think you're right.

>> Right. Let's get him

for next season.

>> Okay.

>> One of these days,

you're going bang! Zoom!

Whose idea was it to put ice

in a urinal?

>> I don't understand.

Look at you.

>> All right.

>> Look at you! Most important

meeting we've ever had in our

careers, and last night,

you decide you're going

to go out drinking?

>> There was nothing to watch

on television. I wasn't on.

>> ( laughs ) See,

that's not funny. Upstairs is

not some idiot producer. This is

William Paley upstairs!

>> Okay, I'll tell you what's

not going to fly today.

That's the yelling in my head.

>> Okay, fine.

>> You understand?

>> I'm relaxed. We just

cannot blow this.

>> Hey, you tell them not

to blow it.

>> Okay. What's the matter, huh?

You all right?

>> I'm good.

>> Hey, take it easy.

>> I'm good. I gotta get

something to eat.

>> You stay down here. I'll get

you a sandwich, a cup of coffee.

>> You should live that long

that I would stay down here.

>> Okay, what do you want?

>> You know what I want.

Make sure you get it for me

or I walk.

>> Yeah. You can barely stand.

>> Who wants a tip here?

It's on Bill.

>> ( laughter )

>> Promise me you'll get

better scotch.

>> Hear that, Friedman?

Get a better scotch. Come on.

>> I'll be a monkey's uncle.

I don't even have a light.

Who's got a match?

>> I don't have one.

>> However, we feel Jackie...

>> You have one?

>> ...should be a member of the

CBS family. We feel the need

to share his talents with

the biggest audience possible.

>> Gorgeous suit. Does it come

in an adult size?

>> Well, DuMont was the network

that gave him his first shot.

You understand that.

>> We want a full hour

of "The Jackie Gleason Show."

We want all his characters,

especially the sketch with

the husband and wife. The...

>> "The Honeymooners."

>> Yeah. Very funny.

>> You know, we also have

interest at NBC.

>> Ah, yeah, yeah. I know.

They said you called them

after we called you.

>> That's not entirely true.

>> All right, see?

>> Half true.

>> The man already knew.

( laughs ) He already knew.

>> Why wouldn't he know?

He's a network.

>> Mr. Paley, I got to tell you

something. I'm going to be

honest with you. To be with CBS,

for Jackie and I, huh, Jackie,

it'd be a big thrill. It would

be very exciting. But we have

some stipulations we have

to talk about first.

>> Such as?

>> You want an hour,

it's gonna be a big show.

There's some creative areas.

>> Control.

>> Control of what?

>> Puts it right out there.

>> Puts it right out.

>> Of everything.

>> All right, fine.

Just say it.

>> Could you be more specific?

>> What's more specific than

"everything"? Okay, let me

draw it out for you. Writing,

producing, directing. I seem to

have an affinity in the musical

department, so choreography,

theme music.

>> ( chuckles )

What about the catering?

>> Well, I could do a hell

of a lot better than this.

I'll tell you that right now.

It's like a wake. Who died?

>> Okay. Okay.

>> Here, run this to the lab.

>> Okay. Okay. Very good.

But it's only fair that we have

some sort of final say.

>> Call NBC.

>> ( chuckles )

>> All right, gentlemen.

>> Call 'em. Go outside

and call them.

>> Jackie.

>> Gentlemen, let's talk

numbers. Friedman?

>> All right. Sit down.

Give it a rest.

>> Okay. For all starring and

producing services, including

the cost of each episode.

>> Mr. Friedman. Sorry. Slow

down just for a second here.

>> Let him get out

his magic pen.

>> You were saying

all producing services...

>> For all starring

and producing services,

including the cost of each

episode, we are prepared to

offer, for two seasons,

the sum of $11 million.

>> That's for two seasons,

of course.

>> Naturally.

>> Well, how the hell am I

supposed to live on that?

>> ( chuckles )

>> ( laughter )

>> That'll cost you

an extra five bucks.

>> You got to eat.

>> Five bucks a joke.

>> Done.

>> Gentlemen, allow me

to introduce you to CBS's newest

and brightest star,

Mr. Jackie Gleason.

>> Thank you very much,

everybody. Bill, I can't tell

you what a pleasure it is to be

associated with the network who

discovered Ed Sullivan.

>> ( laughs )

>> Will you still be doing

all of your--

>> Ah?

>> Will you still--

>> I didn't mean to interrupt.

Go ahead.

>> Will you do all--

>> Please stop before you

lose your hair.

>> ( laughter )

>> Mr. Gleason, will you still

be doing all of your

old characters from

"The Jackie Gleason Show?"

>> Well, now, you say that like

it's a bad thing.

Of course I'll be.

>> Is Art Carney

going with you?

>> I wouldn't go anywhere

without Artie.

>> Jackie, how's Pert Kelton?

>> She's doing better,

refuses to sleep with me,

but she'll learn.

>> ( laughter )

>> No, no, Pert's fine.

As you know, she had a little--

thank you very much. It's about

time you do something

at the network.

>> ( laughter )

>> No. She's better. You know,

there was a problem with her

ticker, and the doctor says

she should take some time off,

so we're going to be looking for

a new Alice. And you know how

I love the audition process.

>> ( laughter )

>> Are the rumors true that

you've hired a physician to help

you lose weight?

>> I'm planning on losing

180 pounds by getting rid

of my manager.

>> ( laughter )

>> I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

He's 175.

>> ( laughter )

>> Gentlemen, that's about all

the time we have.

Thank you very much.

>> Uh-huh.

>> ( applause )

>> Thank you, everybody.

>> And another thing, Ralph.

My mother can come stay with us

anytime she wants to,

like it or not.

>> All right, Miss Meadows.

Thank you. That was terrific.

>> I can do it any way you

want, Mr. Gleason. I'm--

>> No, no, that was wonderful.

Thank you for coming by.

>> Audrey, come on. Home run.

It was great. Val is a great

manager. Give him my best.

>> I will. Thank you.

>> You were great. Okay. See?

>> What are you doing wasting my

time with a dame like that for?

>> What are you talking about?

This is--

>> What am I talking about?

>> This is a very, very--

>> Alice is a regular,

plain housewife from Brooklyn.

She's a glamour-puss.

She belongs on the wall

of an auto mechanic's poster,

not on "The Honeymooners."

>> Seven. Bounce it.

One and two and three and four,

a-five, six, turn it, eight.

And one, two, and three, four,

turn five, six, turn seven.

Good. A-one, two, a-three,

four, five. Open out. Now right

leg kicks. Go one, two.

Keep it eye-high. That's five,

six, seven. Backing up.

One, two, three. Jackie enters.

Five, six, seven, and hold.

Good, you guys. You did great.

>> Very nice, gals.

You're all fired.

>> ( laughter )

>> Wonderful job.

>> Thank you.

>> Very nice, June.

Who's the new one?

>> That's my kid sister Marilyn.

>> You're kidding?

>> No. You have to meet her.

Marilyn, come here. She's going

to love this. I'd like you

to meet Jackie.

>> Mr. Gleason.

>> It's a pleasure. I should've

known those gams run

in the family.

>> Yeah, you should see

our brothers.

>> ( laughs ) She's funny.

We like that around here.

Welcome to the show. Anything

you need, please let me know.

>> Thank you.

>> Good job, June.

>> Huh? ( laughs )

>> What's that?

>> What do you mean, what--

it's a mink. I thought

you'd like it.

>> What am I supposed

to do with it?

>> You're supposed to feed it

and watch it grow. Jen,

it's for you. I want you

to wear it. Come on.

>> Where, around here?

Why don't you give it to one

of your girlfriends?

>> You know, I don't even know

what the hell you're talking

about. Why don't you quit

reading those ridiculous

magazines? You know

I hate the press.

>> You think I don't know?

>> Oh, this is nice. This is--

the only picture you have of me

is the one where I got fired.

>> Geraldine likes it. Oh, by

the way, she keeps asking when

her daddy's going to come and

take her to the park. What am

I supposed to tell her, huh,

the truth? That Daddy's running

around with his girlfriends?

>> You know, I should've known

better than to do

something nice.

>> You can't pay us to be

a family, Jackie. You don't even

live here anymore. You forgot

Linda's birthday.

>> I sent her the tricycle,

didn't I?

>> Right. Right, Jackie.

>> Listen, the only reason why

my hotel is up the street is

because I work best late

at night. You know that.

>> You think I'm stupid? Go.

Just leave. Leave. Live wherever

you want. But I am still

your wife. We got married

in a church. We made a promise

to God, and I'm living by that.

>> Give my love to the girls.

>> My mother can come stay with

us anytime she wants. Like it...

( foot taps )

or not.

>> That's interesting.

Thank you.

>> And another thing, Ralph.

My mother can come stay with us

anytime she likes,

like it or not.

>> Huh.

>> ( chuckles ) That's--

>> Get her out.

>> Next.

>> And another thing, Ralph.

My mother can stay with--

...like it or not.

>> Uh-huh.

>> And another thing, Ralph.

My mother can come stay with us

anytime she wants...

>> ( laughs )

>> ...to, like it or not.

>> ( coughs ) You wanna go

to the Moon, Alice? You want

to go to the Moon?

>> Yeah, and you're just

the blimp to take me there.

>> ( laughs )

>> Very nice.

Very nice, everybody.

>> We'll let you know real soon.

Joe.

>> Thank you, gals.

>> ( whispers ) Hey.

So, what do you think?

>> She was unbelievable.

Who is she?

>> I don't know who you're

talking about. What do you mean,

the last one?

>> The one right there.

Yes, the last one.

>> Really? She was standing

in your office yesterday.

>> Want to run that

by me again?

>> Audrey Meadows, the one you

said was too pretty

to be funny.

>> That's Audrey Meadows?

>> Yes.

>> She's unbelievable. Tell her

she's got it. That's Alice!

>> Told you! Right now.

>> Oh, you're right.

>> Okay. Audrey?

>> Five, six, and eyebrows.

>> All right, sisters,

take a break. You look tired.

Excuse me.

>> I am.

>> So, how are you enjoying

your time on the show?

>> Well, I feel the

choreographer doesn't know

what she's doing.

>> Oh, do I sense a little

sibling rivalry?

>> ( laughs )

>> Why don't we go out and grab

a bite tonight?

>> Oh, well, I'd have to ask

my boss. Boss, can I go

to dinner with you tonight?

>> If you want to keep your job,

I highly recommend it.

>> ( laughs )

>> I see the mouse! There it is!

There's the mouse! I got it!

>> Wait!

>> He's over there!

>> I got him! Oh, God.

Don't you have a piece of cheese

or something? There's the tail!

I got him!

>> ( objects crashing )

>> Okay, Bobby, go to two.

>> Go to two, Rob.

>> Ready one.

>> He's supposed to be

by the fireplace.

>> Yeah, tell Pat to follow him.

>> Pat, follow him.

Ready three.

>> My leg!

>> Go back to one.

>> One up. Ready two. Wait.

I think he hurt himself.

I think he's hurt.

>> Okay, tell Bill to get off

him, stay on Carney.

>> Bill, stay on Carney.

Ready one.

>> Someone...

>> Ehh! My leg! My leg!

>> Think we've got a little bit

of a problem here.

>> "East Coast viewers notified

friends in the West about

the mishap in time to watch

the rebroadcast, earning Gleason

his largest audience ever."

>> If I knew that, I would

have broken both legs

in the first season.

>> Now, what can I do to make

you feel better?

>> Well, I know what you can do

to me. You are doing it.

>> Excuse me. Am I

interrupting something?

>> Hi, Jen. Go sit down.

>> I come here to see how you

are, and instead I find--

Who are you?

>> Sit down.

>> His girlfriend? His lover?

His date for the afternoon?

You know who I am? I'm his wife,

if that means anything to you.

I'm also the mother

of his children.

>> How are they?

>> In the hospital, Jackie,

where everyone can see?

>> I broke my leg.

>> I want you out of-- I am his

wife, and I belong here!

You don't! I am Mrs.

Jackie Gleason, and I demand

to be treated with respect.

>> Okay.

>> Do you hear me?!

>> Jen.

>> Out! I demand

to be treated...

>> I'll call you.

>> ...with respect!

>> Sit down.

>> All right, but, Ronnie,

that wall shouldn't be--

it looks as dirt-- it should be

as dirty as the other wall.

>> Give me a chance.

>> That's too clean.

>> I'm doing it. Don't worry.

>> Okay.

>> Jackie.

>> And the backdrop is a

little-- hey, Bill. How are you?

>> Nice to see you.

>> Better backdrop. How are you?

Thanks for coming. Hi, Sid.

>> Sol.

>> Uh-huh. Come on, pull up a

chair. The only way I could tell

the backdrop is if you light it.

Put a light behind it. Does that

look like Brooklyn to you?

What do you know? You grew up

in Connecticut. ( laughs )

>> I'm running a little late

here. What can I do for you?

>> Well, the variety theme is

getting a little stale with me.

>> Come on now, Jackie.

The sponsors have been promised

a variety theme.

>> What do you want me

to tell them? They love

the show as it is.

>> Hey, can I-- are you okay

over there?

>> Be careful.

>> Can I finish?

>> Please.

>> The first half of the hour

remains a variety theme. The

last 30 minutes, it's an entire

episode of "The Honeymooners,"

and they're going to love it.

>> Come on now, Jackie.

>> That's too yellow.

>> "The Honeymooners" is just

a sketch. It doesn't have

the legs for 30 minutes.

>> Well, I beg to differ, Bill,

'cause I get about 5,000 letters

a week telling me differently,

so I want to give the people

more of that. And I want to do

it on film instead of kinescope,

'cause it's a different grain.

That bureau has to go more

towards the door, please,

'cause I take my hat off.

I gotta be able to come in,

put my stuff on it.

>> Just so they can watch a bus

driver yelling at his wife

for 30 minutes? You know what

that's going to cost?

>> I know exactly what

it will cost.

>> Come on, Jackie. You're not

being rational. It's too

much of a risk.

>> I'm willing to take it,

Bill.

>> ( sighs ) It's coming out

of your end.

>> What's new? It always does.

Could we play nice?

>> I'm going on record here.

I think it's a big mistake.

>> Okay.

>> Me too.

>> Okay. Do me a favor.

Guys, turn around. Does that

look like yellow?

>> If you say so, it's yellow.

>> That's the answer I need!

>> We'll see you, Jackie.

>> Beige. Beige!

The color of Sid! ( laughs )

Wow.

>> ( telephone line ringing )

>> Pick it up. Pick it up.

Pick it up. Pick it up.

>> ( telephone ringing )

>> ( knock on door )

>> What?

>> Jackie.

>> Come in. What do you want?

>> Well, this letter came

registered. I signed for it.

It's from Herb Gleason,

in Stoneybrook, Connecticut.

>> It's Jack. Please open

the door, Jackie. I beg you.

It's three minutes before

we go on. Jackie?

Coming in.

Jackie?

>> Excuse me, fellas. Hey,

Art, I know it's a long shot,

but have you seen Jackie?

>> Oh, no, no. I don't see

The Great One until they yell,

"Action." You know that, Jack.

>> I know.

>> Jackie, what are you doing

here? Jack Philbin is down

in the studio right now losing

his mind. Let's go downstairs.

Come on.

>> Did you send the stuff

to Marilyn?

>> Yeah, I sent the stuff

to Marilyn. That's done.

>> And?

>> And nothing. Look, Jackie,

I mean, really, kid, it's for

the best. Come on. Come on.

>> You hear that?

>> Huh? No, what?

>> Listen. You can get a cab on

a Saturday night. You know why?

Because everyone's at home

in front of their televisions

waiting to see me.

>> If you do the show, right?

Come on, you're right. No,

I'm proud of you, huh? Come on.

>> Are you, Bullets?

>> Of course I am. The whole

world's proud of you.

>> Then why don't I feel it?

>> Feel it? You don't want

to know what I think.

>> You know, the whole time I

was growing up, my father lived

less than an hour away, and he

never came to see me once.

He said it was because he felt

the shame.

This whole time, I thought

it was me.

>> He's the one that missed out.

It's his loss.

>> Try telling that

to an eight-year-old kid.

All right, come on.

>> ( drums playing )

>> Let's go fool 'em.

>> ( theme music playing )

>> Jackie Gleason.

"The Honeymooners."

With the stars Art Carney...

...Audrey Meadows...

>> Stand by, music.

>> Stand by, music.

>> ...and Joyce Randolph.

>> Fade up.

>> Fading up.

>> Cue music.

>> Cue music.

>> Cue Jackie.

>> Cue Jackie.

>> ( Alice humming a tune )

>> ( applause )

>> Hiya, Alice.

What's for supper?

>> Hiya, sweetie. I made your

favorite-- fried chicken.

( laughs )

>> Well, thank you, Alice.

>> I got your paper for you too.

Would you like me to

read it for you? No?

Oh, and I got your bowling ball

out for you, and I got it all

shined up. I thought maybe you

and Ed might want to go bowling

later. I shined up your bowling

shoes for you too. Are you

comfy, sweetums? ( giggles )

Oh, and by the way...

>> Aha! Aha! "By the way,"

huh? All right, what's

"by the way"?

>> All right, Ralph. The Nortons

are getting a new television

set, and I was just thinking,

why don't we get one too?

>> We've been through this

before, and I'm not buying

a television set.

>> Ed Norton makes the same

money you do. And you know what

they have? They have a washing

machine. They have a vacuum

cleaner. They have a television

set. They even have

an electric stove.

>> You're right, Alice. They got

all those things, and they got

one more thing that we

ain't got-- worries.

>> ( laughter )

>> And you want to know why,

Alice? Because every week,

Norton has to go down there

and pay for those things.

Well, I got peace of mind,

Alice. That's what I got.

And I'm socking my money away.

You know what it is now?

It's going up, up, up!

>> ( laughter )

>> We got $75 laying around

here. $75. And he's got all

that stuff, but I got mine

right here!

>> Yeah. You got it here,

and you got it right here,

and you got it right here!

>> ( laughter )

>> ( grumbles ) You know,

I hope they love those jokes

on the Moon, 'cause that's where

you're going, Alice. Bang! Zoom!

I don't want to hear no more

about the television set.

That's it!

>> I want a television set,

and I'm going to get

a television set. I want

to look at Liberace!

>> ( laughter )

>> Well, why don't you get

Liberace to buy you

the television set?

>> Take me to your--

>> Bah! Will you take

that off, Norton!

>> Space Ranger, third class, in

the Captain Video Space Academy.

Official space helmet off,

O Captain Video,

wherever you are.

>> You are nuts, Norton. You

know that? You're nuts. You have

any idea of the problems you're

causing for me? Do you?

>> I don't know, Ralph. Maybe

it's time you did something nice

for Alice for a change.

>> Do something nice for Alice?

Why don't you look around?

>> ( laughter )

>> Why, you got to face it,

Ralph. This place is no

Taj Mahal. Just buy her a TV set

and put it right there.

>> Get out! Get out! Get out!

>> Come up to my place later

and watch Captain Video

blast off for Pluto!

>> Get out, Norton! Get out!

>> ( laughter )

>> ( band playing )

>> Wow! Thanks!

Thank you, everybody.

How about a hand for

Art Carney, Joyce Randolph,

Audrey Meadows?

"The Honeymooners," ladies and

gentlemen. Fabulous. Thank you.

Thank you.

See you next week, everybody.

Good night.

>> Ralph: How can that be funny?

You have got no sense of humor.

>> Alice: Oh, yes, I do.

I married you, didn't I?

>> I'm the king around here.

You're nothing.

>> Ed: Ralph, maybe it's time

you did something nice

for Alice for a change.

>> Alice, don't you understand?

This is the biggest thing I ever

got into.

You're being a wisenheimer,

Alice. What do you think?

>> I think you're nuts.

>> I'm the man from space.

>> Alice: Hah!

>> Dah! What are you...

The trouble with you, you're not

up with the latest developments.

>> Who is it that lets out your

pants every other day?

>> ( chuckles )

>> Pray tell, who are you?

>> You are a blabbermouth!

I am the chef of the future.

( stammers )

You blabbermouth!

I wouldn't send a knight out

on a dog like this! ( laughs )

What a...

>> First, step up, plant your

feet firmly on the ground, and

address the ball. Hello, ball!

>> Norton, will you come on?!

I wouldn't send a knight out

on a dog like this!

Don't you get it?

>> No, I don't get it.

I don't think it's funny.

>> When did you ever

catch anything?

>> 15 years ago. I caught

300 pounds of blubber.

>> You have got

no sense of humor.

>> Well, I married you,

didn't I?

Who needs food? We can live

on love, killer. I call you

killer, 'cause you slay me.

>> And I'm calling Bellevue,

'cause you're nuts.

>> All right, Ralph, I'm just

trying to be like Rita, the kind

of girl you admire.

>> The only reason why I was

throwing the charm on Rita is

because her husband Bert

is the general manager

of the depot.

>> Well, that may explain you

being so attentive to Rita,

Ralph, but it doesn't explain

something much more important.

It doesn't explain why in all

these years, you never once made

me feel like your sweetheart or

even noticed how I look. I wish

you had an explanation for that,

Ralph. Oh, how I wish you had

an explanation for that.

>> I do have an explanation.

I'm a mope. I love you,

sweetheart, honestly.

Baby, you're the greatest.

>> ( laughs ) Oh, Ralph.

>> When you see one of these

episodes, do you miss it?

>> Sometimes, if I see it.

>> Any regrets?

>> I sometimes wonder if

I should've done another season

of "The Honeymooners." And then

there's a part of me that felt

I played it right by going out

on top when I did. I wish I was

there more for my family

in those days, but I was

so driven, and I paid for it.

And unfortunately I'm sure they

did too. The good news is I got

the girl in the end, which is

rare for a buffoon, but Marilyn

and I worked it out, and we're

about to celebrate nine years

of bliss, if you will.

Anything else?

>> So, Jackie, are you

"The Great One"?

>> Well, I'll tell you what.

Let's go downstairs. We'll shoot

a little pool, and you tell me.

Bring your wallet.

Mmm. ( chuckles )

>> ( instrumental playing )

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