Original subtitles

ขอบคุณแซม

ออกจากทาง.

โอกาสใด ๆ ขอแสดงความนับถือ pickin' ขึ้นการเปลี่ยนแปลงบางอย่าง?

Nothin' Doin'

คุณทำอะไรอะไรหมายถึง Doin'?

อ่างมาเพียงใน

คุณมีพวกคุณออกทั้งหมดในงาน

ฉันสามารถขนทุกอย่างด้วยตัวเองถ้าคุณต้องการ

ผมบอกไม่มีทางยา

ทำไมจะไม่ล่ะ?

เอ๊ะก็ไม่มีอะไรส่วนบุคคล

ฉันแค่ followin' คำสั่งของเจ้านาย

และผู้ที่เป็นเจ้านายที่อยู่รอบ ๆ ที่นี่?

ถามพวกเขา.

ปัญหา?

ไม่มีผมก็แค่ askin' เขาถ้ามีโอกาสใด ๆ

ของ pickin' ขึ้นงานคุณขุด?

แน่นอนว่าเพียงแค่เตะกลับมา 20%

ใช่ แต่ถ้าเราให้คุณ 30%

จะไม่มีอะไรซ้าย

We gotta eat.

Already you're too fat, keep slim.

It's better for your health, now get movin'.

Alright, if I don't eat, I can't go to the toilet.

And if I can't go to the toilet,

it makes me nervous and unhappy and that aint so good.

Aww it's a flat.

Hey dummy!

Now, why didn't you tell me there was a cart of junk, huh?

Have a nice day.

I oughta take care of that bastard.

Not now!

We got other fish to fry.

You, get another car.

Yes boss, right away.

Come back here you spaghetti head!

You ain't jumpin' ship you owe me five bucks!

So long suckers!

Get that son of a bitch!

Sorry friend!

Hey did you see where that guy went?

Yeah he was runnin' towards the exit of the port.

Lost him.

Hey you okay?

I've been better.

I don't know why you did it but thanks anyway.

You're a buddy.

I prefer to help somebody who considers me a friend

and not just another chop suey.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Don't worry it's a small world

and sooner or later one meets again.

Out of the way.

Hey chief, I got my stomach glued to my backbone.

Got any work for me?

Join the union.

Give me a break, there's a freighter out there

waiting to be unloaded.

Get lost.

Something wrong?

This greaser wants work.

Listen sparrow, you flap your wings on outta here

unless you wanna wear 'em in a sling.

Did you call me a sparrow?

Yeah.

Hmm, did you say you're gonna break my wings?

Yeah.

That's what I thought.

Let's see you do it.

Sorry boss.

You asked for it Holly.

Sorry boss!

Sorry boss.

Oh no.

So long.

Get another car.

Yes boss.

Beat it.

Right away.

Look Mac, you're on the wrong side.

Trucks to the right.

Put your blinker on, back up, and make way.

Hey, you're just gonna walk away?

Oh, you're chicken.

I hate that when a guy chickens out, you big yellow belly.

You trying to scare me?

Go on take a walk you big banana.

Hmm.

Get out of my way you little gas bag.

What do you mean get out of your way?

It's me they're after.

You stay here.

Hey!

hey, hey!

Hey, hey!

Where's your boss?

In the office.

Okay let's go move.

Sorry boss.

Don't forget the doors.

They're doing a pretty good job.

Yeah.

Should I get another car boss?

No, call a taxi.

You know buddy, we got a lot in common.

I'm Matt Kirby.

I'm not.

That's a nice name.

A little short maybe.

Why did you bust up their car?

It's a question of toilet bowls.

Oh that makes a lot of sense.

You can't fool around with toilets.

And now that I told you the story of my life,

go take a walk.

I'll be seeing you big banana.

Do you have any reason for hanging around here?

No.

Shove off then.

District Police, Sergeant Adams, how may I help you?

Oh you sure can.

There's a bum just about to commit suicide.

The Rochester Street Canal Bridge.

Thanks, I'll notify the morgue.

But he hasn't done it yet.

Oh well then I'll call the psycho boys.

Meanwhile try to distract him okay?

With what a lollipop?

This guy is a regular bulldozer.

Okay, I'll send an ambulance.

But if he hears it coming he'll jump.

Don't worry, we use a two-door sedan

in these cases, unmarked and it doesn't come

with a siren okay?

Yeah that's perfect.

Okay.

Got some business for the loony bin.

There he is, pull over.

Hi there.

Hi.

How's it goin'?

Fine.

Kind of a nice day isn't it?

Very nice, pretty hot though.

He's right, hot as hell.

If you're hot in that jacket,

why don't you try on this one?

It's the last word.

Hey are you from the loony bin by any chance?

No, no.

Wait a minute, I'm the guy who called the police.

The crazy guy is over there.

He's an 18-wheeler.

Is he dangerous?

Nah, he's like a lamb.

He's just got this thing about toilet bowls.

Toilet bowls?

Yeah.

He says you can't trust the ones they make today.

He wants to end it all.

Mysterious of the human psyche.

Yeah.

The gas?

Right.

What's that?

Sleeping gas.

One whiff and he'll be drowsing off like a bear

in hibernation.

Ha, great.

Stay here.

He might be dangerous.

Okay.

Hi.

Nice town huh?

It sure is.

You call this a town?

It's a big toilet bowl.

The gentleman said it.

It's a toilet bowl.

I don't get that comparison.

Modern toilet bowls are masterpieces of engineering

which this town sure isn't.

They may be masterpieces but where's the joy

of answering the call of nature at sunrise

in the country or by a flowing stream at sunset?

Oh well times have changed.

I have nothing against the toilet bowls of today.

How about you Mr. ?

Either are fine.

What I can't stand is turds like you.

You're rude and antisocial.

Hey what's that a can of mountain air?

Well not exactly.

Would you like to try this on?

Grab him!

Let's go you big banana!

George.

Hey Bernie, how long does it take

to cook two hamburgers?

Man they're ready now if you want them raw.

What were you saying?

I'm tired of looking for a job.

Well it wouldn't take much to change our lives like that.

What do you mean?

An armored car delivers the payroll to the supermarket

every week and they go in the service door

not the main entrance and,

Hey, hey Bernie.

God it's hot today.

Nice cold beer boys?

Nah nothing alcoholic.

We're on duty, a coke.

Oh when you're on duty you don't drink huh?

No, where are you from?

Haha, I was born in Venice, Italy.

Then what are you doin' here?

You on vacation?

No sir, I'm a naturalized U. S. citizen.

This makes 16.

How about that, 16?

They sure don't eat like canaries.

What's your top speed?

Well if you can stay on, about 130 miles per hour.

130?

I don't suppose you could let me try one out.

Afraid not.

Enlist in the police force, you'll get a chance.

We've been thinking on that haven't we?

We need guys who are on the ball.

Eat up we gotta go.

Where?

It's late, they're waitin' for us.

Who?

Forget already.

What?

Attention all units, 16th district,

we have a robbery at the pawn shop at 40516th Street.

Units 2112 and 2111 throw road blocks.

Oh boy.

They took off like a couple of rockets.

How many employees are there in a supermarket?

70.

And in the office?

A pair of old maids.

What we actually need is a couple of guns.

All we need is a couple of fingers.

Huh, oh I got those.

Okay friend, I'll see you on Friday morning.

Not so fast burner.

From now on we're gonna cast one big shadow.

Is that so?

As my old man always said, if you have a friend

you can trust don't trust him

but if it's one you can trust blindly, then watch out.

Well I mean, if you've got the blind friend,

well my old man had the whole thing down pat.

Just what we need.

Let's keep going and make believe we don't know them.

Hey boys.

Oh hi.

Hi.

Well has the great day come yet?

Well, maybe.

See he isn't quite sure yet.

Well you'll never regret it.

You'll well off with the police.

By the way, did you catch those boys

who robbed the pawn shop?

Yeah?

You bet, 15 minutes after we got the call,

they were lyin' on the table down at the morgue

and by afternoon their rotten brains were floatin'

in formaldehyde in the criminal museum.

Serves them right.

That'll teach 'em.

Right.

Yeah, they don't get no pity from us.

Well so long.

So, so long.

So long yeah take care, see ya later.

Nice guys.

They'll remember this Friday for a long time.

You bet.

Let's put it off until next Friday.

No, you got a dime?

Just watch how your partner fixes things partner.

What are you gonna do?

Keep cool.

If they bite we go through with it.

The armored car will be here in two minutes.

I called the police and told them

there's a suspicious looking guy hanging

around the jeweler shop on 24th Street.

Why?

Watch.

Hey, you're smarter than I thought.

I've crime in my blood.

This is it.

Keep calm, it'll all go smooth don't worry.

As soon as the jobs done, we'll go have some fun in Florida.

We're already in Florida.

We're really in Florida?

Yeah.

Hey, it's coming.

Your gun, ready, ready?

Yeah.

This is a holdup, reach for the ceiling.

You better say it.

Your voice is stronger.

Keep cool this is a,

A real nice day isn't it?

May I use the phone?

Get the door.

Yes sir.

Well boys, did you come to join up?

Actually it's an important step we're taking

so we wanted to check out the situation first before.

Well you're in the wrong place.

This is the administration office.

Oh, this is administration.

Oh.

Yeah the recruiting office is in back of us

in Atlantic Street.

In back of us?

I told you so.

I told him it was on Atlantic Street, didn't I?

Yeah.

Well if you hurry around there you'll find Captain McBride

in person.

So long.

Bye.

Hi fellas how are ya?

Well look who's here.

So you've made up your minds finally huh?

We wanted to be sure.

Where are you goin'?

To see Captain McBride.

You can go through the office, it's quicker.

Oh we can?

Sure.

He says it's quicker.

Yeah it's quicker.

Hey, what's baldy here been up to?

Armed robbery.

Some honest citizen called us and told us

about a suspicious looking character on 24th Street.

We nabbed him on the spot.

Oh.

You do the report.

I'll show these boys the way to the boss.

Don't worry, we'll find it.

No bother come on.

I'll take you to old Papa McBride.

Come on let's go.

So long, see you around.

Papa McBride, he must be a real nice guy.

After you.

Come in.

Morning Captain.

Morning.

Where'd you catch them?

Actually they came by themselves.

Uh huh, well if you thinkin' that turning yourselves in

is gonna help you, it's not.

I'll tell the judge to forget that

and throw the book at ya.

There's a misunderstanding Captain.

These boys are here to enroll in the police force.

Here's their application forms and the files we have on them.

Uh huh.

So you wanna be policemen do ya?

First thing you're gonna have to do is shave.

Mhmm.

Why?

Because I don't like whiskers.

Now, you're Wilbur Walsh?

Oh no, that's him.

I've got nothing to do with that.

I just met him.

Ahh, it says here that,

it says here that you wan kicked out of Canada for fightin'

destroying property, and resisting arrest.

Did you say Canada sir?

That's what it says, Canada.

Oh yeah, I remember now I was working as a lumberjack.

Rough and ready, the only friend you have is your ax.

Always isolated in the woods with the wolves.

Nothing, well we work.

So on Saturday nights you went into town and raised hell.

Between the booze and the chicks, you know,

a fight starts up and you know where these things go,

don't ya?

No.

I'm a baptist.

I don't drink.

Yeah I knew it.

Now, You're Matthew Kirby.

You can call me Matt, Captain.

Appreciate it.

Now, what is this mean?

It says here that you were disqualified for being aggressive

disqualified from what?

From baseball.

I was playing with Red Foxes then.

Red Foxes of Ogichobee?

Yeah and it was a great team too.

I knew that team.

Captain, do you wanna know my side of the story?

Yeah, there was this real blind umpire

who called me out on base.

I protested but he wouldn't listen so I punched him

in the mouth.

Who knows where that bastard is now.

It's a good thing he aint around anymore because

if only I could get my hands on him I'd,

Would you like his address?

You know where he is?

He lives with me.

He's my brother-in-law.

No kidding?

Gee I'd like to apologize to him.

He was right after all.

He's got a great eye and nothing got by him.

What do you think?

Boys will be boys.

Who hasn't tied one on one time or another?

And besides, everybody calls your brother-in-law names.

Hmm.

Hey partner, how do I look best?

Like this or

like this?

Thank you.

Size?

Not for me thanks.

Come on, what size do you take?

Oh size.

XXXX Large.

Boots?

14 and a half.

14 and a half?

Tell me them gunboats are full of feet.

Try these and if they don't go

I'll get some pontoons for you.

Next.

Crime in my blood huh?

Can't win them all can you?

Anyway, we flunk the final exam

and scoot them out on 20 weeks of training pay.

Do you think this training's gonna be a picnic?

You got another thought comin'.

In 20 weeks time, I'm gonna teach you how to

make a proper arrest, how to drive a car

at 200 miles an hour, how to tell the difference

between marijuana and parsley.

In short, I'm gonna turn you into super goddamn cops.

In exchange for that, the taxpayers are gonna give you

250 dollars a week.

They're gonna give you a paid vacation,

a Christmas bonus, beautiful uniform, a lot of respect

and esteem.

In addition to that, at the end of 20 weeks time,

you're gonna love me like your own father.

Attention!

Now move your ass!

so, these should be here instead of here.

Hands out of the window.

Step out of the car, step aways from the car.

Face me down on your knees.

Lie down on your stomach.

Arms out to the sides, palms up.

Turn your head to the side.

Good job Fred.

Now, that was the correct procedure for makin' an arrest.

Walsh!

Come on, let's go.

I taught him that one.

Very good Kirby, very good.

Let's go.

You ever shoot before?

Who me?

Ready on the firing line.

Aim.

Ahh, don't shoot at me!

Shoot at the target you bastard.

Ha, not one bullseye.

Okay wiseguy, you do better.

Where did you learn to shoot like that?

I've got bullets in my blood.

Bullets in the blood?

Now boys, for good or for bad,

Your training is almost over.

Naturally we have left the best for the last.

Now we're really gonna see if you got the guts

to be policeman.

Are you ready Doc?

Any time you are.

Want some gum?

What flavor?

Formaldehyde.

I hate formaldehyde.

And now boys, I would like to show you.

You forgot to thaw him out.