All language subtitles for A.Thousand.Clowns.1965.1080p.HDTV.x264-REGRET.ENG

Neighbors!

I have an announcement for you.

I have never seen such
a collection of dirty windows.

Now, I want to see all of you
out there on the fire escapes

with your Mr. clean bottles,
and let's snap it up!

Murray, do you have to shout
like that every morning?

Clears my head.

Say, Murray,

were you planning maybe today
to look for a job?

Do what?

Look for a job, Murray.

Murray

Murray, what did you
get me down here for?

I mean, I just...
Nick, what time is it?

It's about 7:20.

Look, Murray, now, I have to...

Nick, in a moment, you're
going to see a horrible thing.

What's that?

People going to work.

Gee, Murray, I hope
it's not gonna be a long visit

with the junkman today.

I have something
I have to discuss with you.

Junkman?

Perruccio here is a dealer
in obsolete structures.

Are you still getting a buck for this?

Half a buck?

Perruccio...

2 bits.

Deal.

Murray, not another eagle.

Nick... You can't have
too many eagles.

Hey, wait a minute.

Why did you follow me down here?

Why aren't you in school today?

Well, it's a holiday.

Yeah, it's Irving r. Feldman's
birthday, like you said.

No, Irving r. Feldman's
birthday

is my own personal national holiday.

I did not open it up for the public.

He is proprietor of perhaps

the most distinguished
kosher delicatessen

in our neighborhood,

and, as such, I hold the day
of his birth in reverence.

Well, you said you weren't gonna
look for work today

'cause it was
Irving r. Feldman's birthday,

so I figured I'd celebrate, too,
a little.

Don't kid me, Nick.

I thought you liked
that damn genius school.

I figured I'd better stick
with you today...

Something I got to discuss.

See, because it's this
special school for big brains,

they watch you
and take notes and make reports

and they smile at you a lot.

Murray, they're very nervous there.

And there was this composition
I wrote in creative writing

about the advantages
of unemployment insurance.

Why did you write about that?

It's on my mind.

And once they got my record out,

they started to notice what
they call "significant data."

Turns out they've been keeping
this file on me for a long time,

checking with
that child-welfare place...

Same place you got those letters from.

I never answer letters
from large organizations.

Well, anyway, when they come over there,

I just thought we could...

Wait a minute.
When who comes over where?

Our apartment.

This child-welfare crowd...

They want to take a look
at our environment there.

Why didn't you tell me about this before?

Well, you know,
the past couple of nights,

we couldn't get together.

That was unavoidable.

You know, when I have a lot of work,

you stay up at Mrs. Myers.

Murray, your work
forgot her gloves last night.

Well, anyway,
for these child-welfare guys,

I figure we'd better set up
some kind of a story

this morning before they get there.

You know, you make it sound
like a vice raid.

I mean, for one thing, Murray,

you don't even have a job right now.

Hey, have you ever been

to the top of the empire state building?

Four times with you in November.

Really?

Have you ever been
to the statue of Liberty?

No, Murray, I...

Today is
Irving r. Feldman's birthday.

We shall go to the top
of the statue of Liberty

and watch the queen Elizabeth come in,

full of all those tired,
poor, huddled masses

yearning to breathe free.

Murray, will you listen to me?!
We have to...

Murray, couldn't I just
read you from the times again,

like last week?

Okay, read me from the paper.

Hey, Murray,
this paper is three days old.

So, what do you want me to do, bury it?

Is it starting to rot or something?

Come on, read me from the paper.

Yeah, but most of these jobs,
somebody must have taken them.

I'll go get a newer paper.

No, we do not need a newer paper.

All the really important jobs
stay forever.

Now, start on the first page
of "help wanted... male"

and read me from the paper.

Okay.

"Exec-assist, ex-oppty,
$90 to top sal."

What's that?

Executive assistant,
excellent opportunity, nothing.

Keep reading.

Hey, here's a perfect one.

It says, "writer wanted."

"Writer/editor, industrial periodicals.

"To write handbooks, reports,
and promotion

on electronic equipment."

Say, what you got there, kid...

The want ads or the obituaries?

Okay, kid, read me some more want ads.

You know, Murray, you don't
want a job, is the whole thing.

Would you just concentrate
on being a child?

Because I find your imitation of
an adult hopelessly inadequate.

You want to be your own boss, Murray,

but the trouble with that is
you don't pay yourself anything.

You're not paying yourself anything.

Hey, that's a good line.
I got to remember that.

You ever consider being the
first 12-year-old boy in space?

Murray, I am upset.

Now, for me, as an actual child,

the way you live in this house
and we live

is a dangerous thing for my later life

when I become an actual person.

Now, an unemployed person,
like you are for so many months,

is bad for you as the person involved,

and it's definitely bad for me,

who he lives with in the same house

where the rent isn't paid up
for months sometimes,

and I wish you'd get a job, Murray!

Please!

You're absolutely right.

What's wrong, Murray?

I don't know, Nick.

Murray, are you all right?

Hey... I enjoyed
the statue of Liberty a lot.

Hey, it was great.
I'm glad we went.

Hey, it is a great view, isn't it?

Yeah.

Otto... Otto...

We have reached at last the mainland,

and we must now get the rocket
plans from agent x-22.

The French, you fool.

We is being observed.

It is essential we are not observed.

Hey, is you really
secret spy x-12?

I wouldn't tell you.

And why not?

Because it's a secret, you fool.

Hey, spy, listen,
I'll tell you something.

You know those poison capsules
they give us

to take when we get captured.

Ja?

I think I know how they're
giving them to us now, Otto.

What's that?

They're putting them
in the cracker Jacks.

That... that's crazy.

That's a silly thing, what you said.

That's silly, that's silly.
That's a silly thing.

They are putting them in the

wait a second.

This... this is ridiculous.

They're putting the prize in the package!

It... Is... A killer.

Excuse me.

Are you Mr. burns?

Only for a couple more seconds, buddy.

They poisoned my cracker Jack.

Yes, I see.

You are
Murray n. Burns?

Excuse me.
How are you?

How do you do, Mr. burns?

I am Mr. amundson,
and this is miss markowitz.

Miss markowitz and I
are a social-service unit

from the child welfare board.

We have been asked by the bureau to...

And this must be young Nicholas.

Hello.

Mr. burns, we...
Miss markowitz and I

have been asked by the bcw
to investigate and examine

certain pupils of the revere school.

There's a... may we,
see you for a moment?

Certainly.

There is certain information

which the school and the city
would like to have,

regarding young Nicholas.

Here, won't you sit down.

I'll just get rid of these things.

I... I'd like to explain
just why we're here, Mr. burns.

Well, say,
would anybody like some coffee?

Well, thank you, Nicholas.

Miss markowitz?

Yes, thank you.

Watch it.

It might be best, Mr. burns,
for the child

if perhaps you were
to send him downstairs

to play or something
while we have our discussion.

Yes, it would be more advisable,
Mr. burns,

if the child were not present,

since miss markowitz will be discussing

the psychological area.

That is, we will be
discussing certain matters.

You gonna talk dirty?

I appreciate the, informality

with which you approach
this meeting, Mr. burns.

However, due to the fact
that you have chosen

not to answer our letters and
several of our phone calls...

Miss markowitz,
may I know your first name?

It's Sandra.

And you are the psychologist
part of the team, Sandy?

That's right, Mr. burns.

And you, sir, I take it,
are the brawn of the outfit.

Perhaps I-i should explain,
Mr. burns,

that the social-service teams
which serve the revere school

are a carefully planned
balance of social caseworkers,

such as myself and...
Thank you, Nicholas...

And a psychological social worker,

such as miss markowitz...
Or, actually, Dr. markowitz.

Together, we form a rather...

Say, is the coffee any good?

Yes, very good.
Thank you, Nicholas.

Very nice, Nicholas.

Nicholas, are you drinking coffee?

Don't you think it would be better...

No, it's milk.

I like to drink it from a cup.

Now, aren't you ashamed of yourself?

Mr. burns,
Mr. amundson and I

have several cases to examine today,

and we would appreciate
a certain amount of cooperation.

East Bronx, mosholu parkway.

And a couple of years
in maybe Massachusetts.

No!

Excuse me.

Nick and I are merely testing
our sense of voice and accent.

Nick insists
he is better at this than I am.

Actually, I took my graduate
work with a professor...

A man with a very strong
new england accent,

who could very well have
influenced my speech.

Nick is quite right.

Wow, thank you, lady.

You certainly have
a fine ear for sound, Nick.

Do you and your uncle play

many of these sorts of games together?

Well, yes, we play many wholesome

and constructive-type games
together.

You're a big phony, Nick.

This lady is here for the facts.

Quite so, Mr. burns.

We wish also to investigate
those intangibles, those...

Jersey city.

Maybe Newark and a little bit of Chicago.

Aha, I think you hit it, Nick!

Well, that's really quite remarkable!

Albert... Mr. amundson...
Is from New Jersey.

He went to the university of Chicago.

Sandra, this is really
quite beside the point.

But, Albert, I think
it's really quite remarkable!

Suppose I just plunge right in here

with several of the facts required.

The honeydew melon's in season,
but they're not really ripe,

so I figured that the cantaloupe...

I'm sorry, I didn't know you had company.

See ya, Nick.

See ya, uncle Arnie.

There's somebody else
living here with you?

No, that's just my brother, Arnold.

He brings fruit every morning
on his way to the office.

He's a fruit nut.

Yes, I see in our files

that your brother acts as your agent.

Our research team spoke to him,
I believe.

Say... Do you really do
a lot of that stuff...

Calling people,
going into my personal life?

You've refused
for quite some time, Mr. burns,

to answer any of our regular inquiries.

We understand that you have been
unemployed, at this point,

for nearly five months...

Well, he has an excellent oppty
to be an exec-assist.

And that, previous to this,

you were the chief writer

for the "chuckles the chipmunk" show.

Right, Albert.

For three years,
I wrote scripts for Leo Herman,

better known as chuckles the chipmunk,

friend of the young'uns
and seller of chuckle chips,

the potato chips
your buddy chuckles the chipmunk

chomps on and chuckles over.

Would you care to describe
the circumstances

under which you left the employ of the...

I quit.

You felt that this was not
the work for you?

No, I felt that I wasn't
reaching all the boys and girls

out there in television land.

Actually, it was not so much

I wasn't reaching the boys and girls,

but the boys and girls
were starting to reach me.

Six months ago, a perfectly
adult bartender asked me

if I'd like an onion in my Martini,

and I said,
"gosh 'n' gollies, you betcha."

Well, I knew it was time to quit.

May I ask if this is a pattern?

That is, in the past,

has there been much shifting of position?

No, I always take an onion in my Martini.

This is a constant, and I...

Mr. burns,
perhaps you're not aware

of just how serious your situation is...

The circumstances
of the child's environment,

the danger of...

Our investigation,
Mr. burns...

substantial development and...

is the result

of what the bureau considers
to be almost an emergency case.

Yeah, but he just likes
to kid around, lady.

Really, we've got
a great environment here.

Relax, kid.

Look, people, I am sorry.

Let's get on with the questions.

Nick, suppose that you and I

have a little chat right here.

Fine, I was gonna suggest that myself.

Well, I'm sure there are times
when the fun stops

and you have nice talks

and your uncle teaches you things.

I can do a great Peter lorre imitation.

Murray taught me.

Nicky, what miss markowitz means...

You can't hang me.

Is that you and your uncle must...

I didn't do it, I tell you.

No, Nicky.
That's not my knife!

That's not what we mean.
It was all a mistake!

Nick...
I'm innocent!

I'm innocent!

Nicholas...
I...

That happens to be a very good imitation.

Well, perhaps,
but we're trying to establish...

Can you imitate Peter lorre?!

I can also do a pretty good James cagney.

I mean, it's not fantastic
like my Peter lorre,

now, Nicholas, please!

Try and pay attention.

Now, if I may proceed...

Albert, if you'll just
let me handle this area...

All right, Nick,
let's talk about games, okay?

Okay.

Now, do you have
any favorite games or toys

that you'd like to show me...

Some plaything that's just
the most favorite one of all?

There's bubbles.

I don't think you'd be
interested in seeing bubbles.

See, bubbles is what
you'd call an electric statue.

It's got an electric
battery timer in there

that makes it go on and off like that.

Is this your favorite toy, Nick?

Well, after a while,
it gets pretty boring.

Tell me, Nick, do you like best the fact

that the chest of the lady lights up?

Well, you got to admit,

you don't see boobies
like that every day.

Anybody want any toast
or orange juice or anything?

Say, would you want to see the effect

when the lights are out
and when the room is dark?

Tell me, Nick, is that what
you like best about it...

The fact that you can be alone
in the dark with it?

Well, I don't know,

but, in the dark,
they really knock your eye out.

Perhaps, don't you think
we ought to turn off...

Nick, does bubbles...
Does she in any way...

Does her face remind you at all

of, let me see,
your mother, for... for example?

No, it's just a doll.

It's not a statue of anybody I know.

I got it in a store downtown.

H-her chest...
Is that something...

Well, it's something,
all right, isn't it?

When you think about your mother...

I don't think about her too much.

But when you do think about her,

do you remember her face best
or her hands or...

I remember, she has a terrific laugh.

See, it's the kind of laugh
that, when she laughs,

it... Makes you laugh, too.

Of course, she overdoes that a lot.

But I mean, physically,
when you think of her, do you...

Well, when you see bubbles there,

and bubbles goes on and off like that...

Sandra, his mother's chest
did not light up.

Mark that down in the file, Albert.

Nicky, I wonder
if you would turn those off...

I mean, her off.

See, mainly, I like to read books

that are healthy, constructive,

and extremely educational for a person.

Don't push it, Nick.

He has no unusual fixations, Sandy.

I mean, he's no more
abnormally interested

in your bust
than Mr. amundson is.

Mr. burns, it is not necessary
to make that...

Of course, I might be wrong about that.

Our interest in that doll is...

Say, you really are interested
in that doll, Albert.

Our...
Our interest in the doll...

Well, I'd sell it to you for $2.

That's 50 cents less than I paid for it.

Sandra, I fail to see what's so amusing.

I'm sorry, Albert.

Well, it was just funny.

Suppose I pursue, then,

the psychological part
of this examination.

Really, Albert, I really do feel

that it would be better if I were to...

Look, Albert, the lady was just laughing

because something funny happened.

That's the best thing to do
under the circumstances.

Mr. burns...

Say! How would you all like
to go to the statue of Liberty?

Now, I have it on good authority
from the weather lady

that today is a beautiful day.

Mr. burns!

Now, this interview
has reached a point...

I-I'm gonna get
my educational books now.

I-I left them
out on the street.

Mr. burns, this interview
has reached a point...

Mr. burns...

Now, damn it, Sandra, don't interrupt me!

For goodness' sakes, Albert.

Sandra, perhaps we...

Would you excuse us
for a moment, Mr. burns?

I'd like to have a short
conference with Sandra...

Mi... Dr. markowitz...
For a moment, please.

Dear, what are you doing?

Have we lost all control?

Are you seriously talking to me
about control, Albert?

Now, dear, I told you...

I told you,
and I told Dr. malko,

it is much too soon for you
to be going out on cases.

You need another year
in the office, behind the lines.

I told you both.
You simply are not ready.

Albert, you hardly let me get started.

See, I was attempting to deal
on the basis of the whole child.

Three months out of grad school,

and you want to go
right into the front lines.

Really.

You get too involved, Sandra.

Each case, you get
much too emotionally involved.

Now, we are scientists, dear.

You seem to lose sight of that fact.

Albert, this is no way to deal
with this man's problem.

That's fine, that's fine.

How are we doing?

You know, personally, I don't think

you're going to solve
your problems with each other,

but I'm glad you came to me,
because I think I can help you.

Al, Sandy is not going to respect you

because you threaten her.

No, respect will have to come gradually,

naturally, a maturing process.

Mr. burns,
the child welfare board

is thoroughly aware that
Nicholas is not legally adopted.

Consequently, they have, I assure you...

Now, you don't assure me
of anything, buddy.

You make me damn nervous.

Mr. burns,
according to the bcw,

the child's continuance in your home

is in serious and immediate doubt.

Burns, aren't you at all willing
to give some evidence

in your favor for our report...

Some evidence to support
your competency as a guardian?

All right, Albert.

Look, folks, what's all the trouble?

Nick is my nephew.

He's staying with me
for a while. He's visiting.

How long has he been here?

Seven years.

Nicholas' father...
Where is he?

Well, that's not a "where" question?

That's a "who" question.

N-Nicholas' mother...
She is still alive?

My sister is unquestionably alive.

But her responsibility to the child...

Well, now, for five years,

she did everything she could
for the child but get married.

Now, that's not easy to understand,

since she used to get married
to everybody.

You might call Nick a bastard...

Or a little bastard,

depending upon how whimsical
you feel at the time.

I tell ya, folks,

I got a real social worker's
paradise here.

Well, my sister Elaine
arrived here one day

with two suitcases, a hatbox,
a blue parakeet,

a dead goldfish,
and a 5-year-old child.

A few days later,

she went downstairs to buy
a pack of filter-tip cigarettes.

Six years later,

she returned for the suitcases
and the hatbox.

Now, the parakeet, I'd given away.

The goldfish, I had long since
flushed down the toilet.

And the 5-year-old child
had, with very little effort,

become 6 years older.

When Elaine returned for her luggage,

I reminded her of the child

and the fact
of filter-tip cigarettes.

And then, I don't know,
I slapped my sister.

Sister cried at some length

and then proceeded calmly,
briefly, to explain to me

her well-practiced theory
on the meaning of life...

A philosophy falling somewhere
to the left of whoopee.

Well, that was almost a year
ago, and I still got Nick.

But, I am sure she
must have had some concern

about Nicholas...
About the child.

His name is not Nicholas or even Nick.

You see, not having given him
a last name,

Elaine felt reticent
about assigning him a first one.

How did you communicate with...

I made a deal with him when he was 6,

up to which time he was known
rather casually as chubby,

that he could use
whatever name he wished,

for however long he wished,
until his 13th birthday,

at which time he'd have to pick
a name he liked permanently.

Now, he went through
a long period of dogs' names

when he was little,

king and rover having
a real vogue there for a while.

For three months, he referred
to himself as big Sam.

Then there was little Max,
snoopy, chip, rock, Rex, Mike,

Marty, lamont, che...

Chevrolet, woodrow, lefty, the phantom.

He received his library card last year

in the name of Raphael sabatini.

His cub scout membership lists
him as Dr. Morris fishbein.

Nick seems to be the one
that'll stick, though.

His mother... where...

Elaine communicates
with my brother and myself

almost entirely by rumor.

Well, I don't
think I've left anything out.

I was not aware that Nicholas
was an o.W. Child.

O.W.?

Out of wedlock.

For a moment there, I thought
you meant "prisoner of war."

I think it's that natural warmth
of yours, Albert,

that leads me to misunderstand.

Yes, but, as concerns the child...

Where is the child?

You preferred not having him
here anyway, Albert.

I'm perfectly aware, Sandra,

of what I prefer
and what I do not prefer.

I don't care for that tone
of voice at all, Albert.

Sandra, I understand perfectly
what has happened here.

We have allowed this man to disturb us,

and we have both gotten a bit upset.

Now, I really do feel that it's time

we got over to that family
problem in queens.

It's there in your file...
The ledbetters...

The introverted child.

We've given an unreasonable
amount of time to this case.

This interview,
I'm afraid, Mr. burns...

Albert, I personally feel
that it would not be advisable

to leave this particular case
at this particular time.

Sandra, we have done here this morning...

I feel that we've not really
given Mr. burns a chance.

Sandra...
It's time we left for queens.

Here's the ledbetter file.

I'm staying here.

Sandra...

I've decided to pursue this case.

Have we lost all professional control?

You just go yourself to the leadbellies.

You... Go on to queens,
why don't you?

May I just talk to you
for a moment, please?

Dear, what is this?

What's happened to you today?

What are you doing?

I am doing what I think is right.

I understand how you feel,
but there's nothing...

Are you really going to leave
that man here like that?

You're not going to try to help him

or tell him about the board
separating him from the child?

I mean, just so cold.

Darling, of course I want to help,

but, let's not forget,

the child is the one
who needs our protection.

Listen, you have...
You have spent too much time

in that graduate school and
not enough time in the field.

You've got to learn your job.

Don't give me any of that nonsense.

This is not the time
nor the place for this.

You know, graduate school
wouldn't have done you any harm,

believe me.

That's the most terrible thing!

Do you know what you are, Albert?

You're...

I don't know,
but I'll think of something.

Mr. burns...
Mr. burns, you can assume...

Mr. burns?

Mr. burns...

You can assume, at this point,

that miss markowitz is no longer
involved with your case.

Now, the board will be informed

that she's no longer involved
with this particular case.

And her continuing to discuss
your case at this point

is entirely unofficial.

You can dismiss any, conference

which may resume when I leave...
A-after I leave here...

From your mind.

And regardless of what you think of me...

I think
you're a dirty o.W.

And do you know what you are?

Maladjusted.

Ew!

Good afternoon, Mr. burns.

Good afternoon, Sandra.

Mr. burns?

Mr. burns,
I must apologize to you.

We...

We have put you...

You have been put at
a disadvantage this morning...

Mr. burns,

because you've been involved
in a personal problem...

That has, nothing whatsoever to do

with your, particular case.

It's entirely wrong for me
to give you this impression

of our,

do you know what?

What?

I hate the ledbetters!

I'm sure, once I got to know
them, I'd hate them, too.

Mr. burns,
you don't understand.

Some of the cases, I love.

And some of them, I hate.

And that's all wrong for my work.

But I can't help it.

I hate Raymond ledbetter,
and he's only 9 years old.

But some of them...
Some of them, I like too much,

and I worry about them all day long.

It is an obvious conflict

against all professional standards.

I didn't like Raymond ledbetter,
so I tried to understand him.

And now that I understand him,
I hate him.

Can I get you a cup of coffee?

Albert is gone, and I just lost my job.

I wrote out what my married name
would be...

On a paper napkin
last night after dinner...

Mrs. Albert amundson...
To see how it would look.

We were going to be married.

It was all planned.

Mrs. Albert amundson
on a napkin.

You have to understand Albert.

He's really a very nice person
when he's not on cases.

He's a very intelligent man.

Last month, I fell asleep on him twice

while he was talking to me.

Do you have to sit there?

Please go away.

Why don't you go away?

But I live here.

I would like everybody to go away.

Could I get you a pastrami sandwich?

I don't even know you!

I am crying right in front of you!

Please go away!

Now, you're really going to
have to stop crying,

because I'm going out of my mind here.

I cry all the time,

and I laugh in the wrong places
in the movie.

I am unsuited to my profession.

I can't do anything right.

Last night, I burned an entire chicken.

And after seven years of school,

I can't work,
and I've got no place to go.

An entire chicken.

This is an awful day.

What am I going to do?

Miss markowitz, this is a beautiful day.

And I'll tell you why.

You're really a jolly old girl,
and you are well rid of Albert.

You have been given the rare opportunity

of returning the unused portion
and having your money refunded.

But my work...
What am I going to do?

But you're a lover,
Dr. markowitz.

You are a lover of things and of people,

so you took up work
where you could get at

as many of them as possible,

and it just turned out
there were too many of them

and too much that moves you.

But, damn it, be glad it turned out

you're not reasonable and sensible.

Have all the gratitude you can
that you're capable

of embarrassment and joy
and are a marathon crier.

There is a kind of relief
that it's gone...

The job and even Albert.

But I know what it is.

It's just irresponsible, that's all,

and I don't have
the vaguest idea who I am.

It's just that there are
all these sandras running around

who you've never met before,

and it's confusing, at first, fantastic.

But, damn it, isn't it great to find out

how many sandras there are?

It's like those little cars
in the circus, you know.

This tiny, red car comes out,
hardly big enough for a midget,

and it putters around.

And, suddenly, its doors open,

and out come a thousand clowns

whooping and hollering and raising hell.

What's this?

That is my undershirt.

Now, how's about going to the
empire state building with me?

I'll have that coffee now.

Didn't answer my question. Would you
like to visit the empire state building?

No, not really.

Well, then, how about the zoo?

Not just now.

Well, then, will you marry me?

What?

Just a bit of shock treatment there.

I have found, after long experience,

it's the quickest way
to get a woman's attention

when her mind wanders.

Always works.

Mr. burns...

No, no, now that you've cried,

you can't call me
Mr. burns.

Same thing goes for laughing.

My name is Murray.

Well, Murray,

to sort of return to reality
for a moment...

I'll only go as a tourist.

Murray...
The child welfare board

could really take Nick away,

but there's some things
that you could do about it

to make your case a little stronger.

Sandra, do you realize
you are not wearing your shoes?

Well, here I am with
some of my favorite books...

"fun in the rain,"
"the young railroader,"

"great philosophers,"
"science for youth,"

and a Spanish dictionary.

I left them out on the street
when I was playing, and I...

Nick, you just killed a whole
month's allowance for nothing.

Miss markowitz
isn't even on our case anymore.

I shouldn't have left.

You got angry and insulted everybody.

Nothing to worry about.

Well, $4 right out the window.

We're in real trouble now, right, lady?

Nick! Nick!

We have a guest...
A music lover.

Let us play our song.

Come on, I'm sure it'll be requested.

Murray, you know, we can't play
songs at a time like this.

Come on, old man, where's
your professional attitude?

This is no time to play songs.

Nice to meet you, lady.
I'll see you around.

Where you off to, Nick?

I'm gonna leave my stuff
over at Mrs. Myers.

See, I figure I'll be
staying up there tonight.

Murray, who do you know
who's leaving on that boat?

Nobody.
I don't get jealous that way.

Hey, atta way to go, Charlie baby!

Have a great trip!

Bon voyage, Charlie!

That's the way!
Have a good trip!

You see, it's a great thing to do

when you're about to start something new.

You see a boat off.

It gives you the genuine feeling
of a beginning.

Hey, bon voyage, Charlie!
Have a wonderful time!

Bon voyage, Charlie!
Have a wonderful time!

Bon voyage, Charlie!

Have a wonderful time!

Have a wonderful time!

Wall street...
The lovely view!

The hell with the view.

Right now, at this hour,
it's just me and all that money.

Right now, I'm all alone with $2 billion

in cash, checks, and securities.

And me.

I'm here, too.

Yes, you are, lady.

Light.

No matter what time of day
or what season,

I got a permanent picture out there...

Twilight in February.

One of these mornings,

I'll wake up and that damn building

will have fallen down into 7th Avenue

so I can see the weather.

Using a machine
to call up another machine.

I do not enjoy the company of ghosts.

Hello, weather lady.

Well, I'm fine, and how's your
nasal little self this morning?

What's the weather?

That high?

And the wind?

Which way does the wind blow
this morning?

Very good.

All the way from eastport
to block island?

Chance of showers?

Hey, what exactly does that mean?

There you go again.

You simply must learn
not to repeat yourself.

I keep telling you every morning
that once is enough.

Well, you'll never learn.

Chance of showers?

Hello, is this someone
with good news or money?

No? Goodbye.

This is your neighbor speaking.

I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say

that something must be done
about your garbage cans

in the alley here.

It is definitely
second-rate garbage!

Now, by next week, I want to see
a better class of garbage...

More empty champagne bottles
and caviar cans!

I'm sure you're all behind me on this,

so let's snap it up and get on the ball!

Good morning.

Good morning.

How are you this morning?

I am fine this morning.
How are you?

I am fine, also.

Do you have a bathrobe?

Yes, I have a bathrobe.

May I have your bathrobe, please?

Well, I'll get you Nick's.
It'll fit you better.

Sounds like a good idea.

There you go.

Thank you.

It's 11:15, and there is
a chance of showers.

Does the bathrobe fit?

This bathrobe fits fine.

Did you happen to see my clothes?

They're in the bathroom.
Shall I get them?

No, thank you.

This isn't the bathroom.
This is the kitchen.

Here are your clothes,

also toothpaste and a toothbrush.

Thank you!

Morning, Murray.

Good morning, Arnold.

Say, Murray...

Chuckles called me again yesterday,

and I told him
I would talk to you, that's all.

Jimmy Sloan's in from the coast.

He's putting a new
panel-show package together.

You know, Arnold, you have
many successful clients.

With all these successful people around,

where are all of our new, young failures

going to come from?

Murray, those people
I saw here yesterday...

They were from the...
From the welfare board.

Is that right?
I tried to warn you.

There's nothing to worry about.

What are you saying, nothing to worry?

The welfare people don't
kid around. Now, do they?

Arnold, I don't mind you
coming here with fruit

if you'll keep quiet,

but you bring a word with every apple.

Is Nick all right?

Now, everything's okay.

Bye, Murray.

Bye, Arnold.

You know, yesterday was the first time

that I'd ever visited
the statue of Liberty.

Funny how you can live
in a city for so long

and not visit one of
its most fascinating sights.

Yes, that is funny.

This coffee isn't bad
for yesterday's coffee.

I think it's very good
for yesterday's coffee.

Good to the last drop.

That's right.

I have to go now.

Yes.

I have to be on my way.

Well, don't forget your file.

My file.

Bye.

Goodbye.

You crazy nut!
I was ready to kill ya!

What happened?
You didn't say anything.

Well, I didn't know
what was going on. I...

Don't let me go!

I'm just putting my coffee cup down here.

Murray, I thought about it...

And I probably love you.

That's very romantic.

I probably love you, too.

Rah!

We'll have to do something
about curtains.

We need color there, Murray.

I hope you didn't mind about
the screen around the bed.

I think it gives such
a nice separate-bedroom effect

to that part of the room.

There's so many wonderful things

you can do with
a one-room apartment, really,

if you're willing to use
your imagination.

Do you have an extra key?

A what?

An extra key. Altman's has
this terrific curtain sale.

Sure, a key.

I thought I would go over and...

Hey, you know what, Sandy?

I don't seem to have one...
An extra key.

You better answer that, Murray.

You, sure you don't prefer to...

No, I have no reason to hide
from anybody.

Aha.

Good morning, Mr. burns.

How are you?

May I come in?

Sure.

I... I called you this morning,
Mr. burns.

That was you?

That was me.

Miss markowitz did not show up
in queens yesterday.

So?

Well, her parents are quite upset.

I am quite upset.

Where is she?

She's hiding in the closet.

Now, we're really all quite
anxious to know where she is.

I'm not kidding, Albert.
She's in the closet.

She is in the closet.

I wouldn't lie to you, Albert.

Why is she in the closet?

I don't know.

She's got this thing about closets.

Well, that's a very silly thing
for her to be in...

That closet.

Well, don't knock it until you tried it.

Now, what else can I do for you, Albert?

That's a difficult thing
for me to believe.

I mean, that she's
right there in the closet.

You know, you are not a person,
Mr. burns.

You are an experience.

That's very nice, Albert.

I'll have to remember that.

Actually, Dr. markowitz is not
the reason for my visit today.

I came here in an official capacity.

Coffee?

No, thank you.

Now, what's on your mind, Albert?

Burns...

Late yesterday afternoon,

the child welfare board
made a decision on your case.

Now, the decision they've reached

is based on three months
of a thorough study.

Our interview yesterday
was only a small part of that.

Quite thorough.

I want you to understand that
I am not responsible personally

for the decision they've reached.

Now, look, Albert...

Months of research by the board

and reports by the revere school

show a severe domestic instability,

a libertine self-indulgence,

a whole range of circumstances

severely detrimental
to the child's welfare.

Hey, stop tap-dancing
a second, Albert.

Now, what's going on?

Well, it is the board's decision
that you are unfit

to be the guardian of your nephew

and that action be taken this Friday

to remove him from this home

and the deprivation you cause him.

Who writes your material
for you... Charles dickens?

The board is prepared to find
a more stable, permanent home

for your nephew...

A family with whom he will live
a more wholesome, normal life.

Hey, listen, Albert, isn't there
some kind of a hearing?

Well, yes, you will have
the opportunity Thursday

to state your case to the board.

Now, if there is some substantial change

in your circumstances,

if you can demonstrate

that you are a responsible
member of society...

Well, this is Tuesday.

What the hell am I supposed
to do in the next two days,

win the nobel peace prize?

You were to be informed
by the court, but...

In view of the confusion
which took place here yesterday,

for which I consider
myself responsible...

You know, you speak
like you write everything down

before you say it.

Well, yes,
I do speak that way, Mr. burns.

I wish I spoke more spontaneously.

I will always appear foolish
in a conversation

with a person of your imagination.

Please, understand there is no
vengeance in my activities here.

I love my work, Mr. burns.

Now, I believe that
you are a danger to this child.

Now, I wish this were not true,

because it is obvious
you have considerable affection

for your nephew.

It shows in your face, this feeling.

Well, I admire you
for your warmth, Mr. burns,

and for the affection
the child feels for you.

I admire this because...

I am one for whom children
do not easily feel affection.

I am not one of the warm people.

But your feeling for the child

does not mollify the genuinely
dangerous emotional climate

you have made for him.

Now, I wish you could understand this.

I would so much rather you understood,

could really hear what I have to say.

For yours is, I believe,

a distorted picture of this world.

Then, why don't you send me
to a foster home?

I was right.
You really can't listen to me.

You're so sure of your sight.

Your villains and heroes are
all so terribly clear to you,

and I am obviously one of the villains.

Well, god save you
from your vision, Mr. burns.

Goodbye.

Hey!

I'll bet you don't believe
I really do live

above an abandoned Chinese restaurant?

Come on, I'll show it to you.

Murray?
Don't be nervous, lady.

You're at an awkward stage.
You're between closets.

Murray, what Albert said about Nick...

Now, look, Sandy, to tell you the truth,

it's even better for me if he goes.

I mean,
he's a middle-aged kid.

You know, when I signed
with the network that time,

he sat up all night
figuring out the fringe benefits

and the pension plan.

And he started to make lists this year.

Lists of everything!

Subway stops, underwear,

"what are you gonna do
next week?"

If somebody doesn't watch out,

he'll start making lists of what
he's gonna do next year

and for the next 10 years.

Hey, suppose they put him in

with a whole family of list makers!

No, no, I didn't spend six years with him

so he'd turn into a list maker.

He'll learn to know everything
before it happens.

He'll learn how to plan,

learn how to be
one of the nice dead people.

Are you listening to me?

Of course, Murray, I told...

Well, stamp your foot
or mutter or something

so I'll know you're there, will ya?

Want to be sure he knows when
he's chickening out on himself.

Want him to get to know
the special thing he is,

or else he won't notice it
when it starts to go.

Want him to stay awake
and know who the phonies are.

I want him to know how to holler
and put up an argument.

I want a little guts to show
before I can let him go.

I want to be sure he sees
all the wild possibilities.

I want him to know
it's worth all the trouble

just to give the world a little
goosing once you get the chance.

I want him to know the...
Sneaky, subtle...

Important reason...
He was born a human being...

And not a chair.

Hey, I, brought you
all the way down here.

I didn't even show you the restaurant.

Hey, "the original lum far's
oriental paradise, rear door."

Shame they closed it.

Something to do with not being recognized

by the united nations.

Sandy, I don't want him to go!

I like having him around here.

What'll I do, Sandy?
Help me out.

You see...

I like when he reads me
from the want ads.

Don't worry, Murray.
We'll do something.

I know the board, the procedures,

the things we can do.

What I'll do is I'll...
I'll buy a new suit.

First thing is to get a dignified suit.

If you could just get
some kind of job, Murray.

Get your brother to help you.

Yeah, right, right.

Is there something you can get
in a hurry?

Yeah, one of those summer suits
with the readymade cuffs.

No, a job.

If you could just bring
some proof of employment

to the hearing, Murray.

Show them how anxious you are to change.

Show them you want to be reliable!

Yeah!

Reliable!

Sandy, we will put on
a great, damn show for them!

Spectacular reliability!

A reliability parade...

Bands, clothes, banners, everything!

Great, keep that laugh.
I'll need it later.

Hello, margot?
Murray.

When Arnie comes in, tell him
I need a job in a hurry?

Tell him to set up
some appointments for lunch

and straight through
the afternoon if he can.

Tell him, the people
he mentioned this morning

can see me today right away, okay?

Yeah, I'll call him back later.

Hey, thanks, margot.
Bye.

Hey, Sandy, I'm gonna buy a new suit now.

Can I come with you?
I'd love to watch you buy one.

You better not.

Sandy, I got to move fast.

You wait for me upstairs,

okay.

Here's a key for you.

Thank you.

Look, don't go away?

No, I won't.

Say "good luck."

Good luck.

Say, "you are
a magnificent human being!"

You are a magnificent human being.

I thought you'd notice.

Mom!

I know you must have been
going out of your mind,

and I'm sorry, mom,

but I'm calling you now
to tell you some wonderful news!

It's a... it's a really
basic relationship.

I'm s-so in love with him,
and... and I'm so very happy!

Well, what do you mean,
what do I mean "happy"?

Well, I mean...
Well, you know... Happy.

I got a great,
new panel-show package.

All ad lib.

You'll be the permanent member
on the panel.

Every afternoon, just talk.

No sweat.

Great running bit for you on the show.

What's that?

Honesty.

Absolute honesty.

The minute you come on,

the first thing that comes
to your cockamamie head.

Great TV.

You'll be you... a big nut.

Have you decided
on your luncheon order, sir?

Yes, I'll have a hamburger
and a flashlight.

Beautiful, beautiful!

You'll be nutsy crazy.

The audience will love you, Murray...

A big, lovable eccentric.

I'll put you on just the way you are...

A natural phenomenon
like the Grand Canyon.

You'll have that crazy, nutsy face

and that cockamamie talk.

Beautiful.

Love... the audience
will love you, Murray.

Murray?

Mother, now, there's...

Nothing for you to cry about.

Guts. Guts.

See, I told Arnie I wanted to see you

because there's this new series

that's going to need a guts attitude...

Courage kind of thing.

I ought to run
from a writer with your rep,

but, I'm a gambler, burns.

Insecurity excited me.

Going for a big one this fall.

Series will be really human,
you know, kind of thing?

Sort of, well, of our time.

Quality concepts,
area of kafka, symbolism,

literate, chekhovian sort of thing.

We're calling it
"homicide squad."

Now... I'm just...
Spitballing here.

You know, I got gut reaction,
but, each week,

we ought to be able to get in about...

10 minutes of moral message, you know...

Race-relations thing,
world-peace thing,

"understanding brings love" thing...

"Love brings understanding."

Controversy a bit.

You know, tough, you know, but warm.

You walked out of the restaurant?

Sloan makes you an offer,

and you walk out of the restaurant.

Murray...

Arnie, I can't get over this office!

The 22nd floor!

Ho ho!

You can see everything.

For god's sake, I don't believe it.

What?

It's king Kong. He's sitting on
top of the time-life building.

Seems to be crying.

Ew.
Poor gorilla bastard.

Somebody should've told him they don't
make buildings the way they used to.

Murray, Sloan didn't make you
such a bad offer.

No, Sloan is an idiot.

I've got news for you, cookie.

With your situation this week,
you're gonna need idiots.

Now, you do not have...

You shouldn't holler at me.
I brought you a present.

Murray!

A-and that other fella
you sent me to,

with the TV series...
A killer, Arnie.

I saw notches on his attaché case.

Murray, you've got a rotten reputation.

Even these guys weren't easy to grab.

Why do you have to build
your own blacklist.

Why can't you get blacklisted
as a communist

like everybody else?

What did you do to him?

You just left him standing there?

You just left him standing there?

Arnie, Arnie, it was beautiful!

I would've loved to have seen
that. It must have been great.

Wish to god I didn't enjoy you so much.

I don't do you
any damn good at all, do I?

All right, come on, Murray,
no more fun and games with Leo.

Do you understand?

He's absolutely all we have left
before the hearing Thursday.

Don't worry, Arn,

I figure I could always go back
with chuckles the chipmunk.

All right, Murray.

Margot... Get me Leo Herman
on the speakerphone.

Well, Leo won't be so bad for a while.

Murray, now, not for a while.

You're gonna have to stick with chuckles.

Now, my agency lawyer
gave me all the facts.

The most the board will allow you

is a probationary year
with Nick... a trial period.

And the board's investigators

are gonna be checking up on you
every week regularly...

Checking to see
that you still have your job,

checking with Leo on your stability,

checking up on the improvements
in your home environment.

Sounds...
Sounds like a parole board.

Yes, it certainly does.

Kidderoonies...

You take it from your old buddy,
the old chippermunk chuckles.

If your get-up-and-go
has got up and left,

just one 10-cent bag
of these crispy chuckle chips

will give you
that barrel-of-monkeys,

boat-has-never-sunky
feeling again.

Yay. Yay.
Yay. Yay.

George.

Is that a "yay"?
What kind of a "yay" is that?

I ask for a "yay,"
you give me a death rattle.

Come on, look,

if you're gonna rehearse
a "yay," rehearse a yay.

Yay! Yay!
Yay! Yay!

Death.

We're dying.

With that kind of a "yay,"
the show is dying.

That's why the show is dying.

The kids don't have a "yay" attitude.

Dead dying dead.

Death... doornail-dying dead.

Call for you,
Mr. Herman.

What is that?

It's a telephone.

Arnold burns' office calling.

Great, wonderful, wonderful.

Hello, Arnie?

Here I am!
There he is!

You got my voice
coming out of that speakerphone

in your office, right?

Am I coming through?
Am I coming through there?

Clearly, Leo.
Murray's here.

Murray, Murray, the wonderful wild man!

Hey, kidderoonies, looks like
your old uncle Murray's

coming back to write some of
those wonderful scripteroonies

for us again!

Yay!! Yay!!
Yay!! Yay!!

Murray, what did you do?

The job.

The hearing.
What...

Well, say, did you do all this?

Yes, Nick.
Do you like it?

I think it's superb.

I mean, imagine my surprise
when I saw it.

Murray went downtown
to see your uncle Arnold.

He's going to get a job!

No kidding?!
Hey, that's terrific!

That's just terrific!

See, lady...
He was developing into a bum.

I mean, you don't want to see
someone you like

developing into a bum
and doing nutty things.

You know what he does?

He hollers.

Like, we were on park Avenue last Sunday,

and it's very early in the morning.

There's no one in the street, see,

just all these big,
quiet apartment houses.

And he hollers, "rich people!"

"I want to see you all out
on the street for volleyball,

and snap it up!"

And you know, sometimes,

if we're in a crowded elevator someplace,

he'll turn to me and he'll say,

"Max... There will be
no more of this self-pity.

"Now, you're 40.

It's time you got
used to being a midget."

And everybody stares.

He has a wonderful time.

What are you gonna do with
someone who hollers like that?

You know, last week,
in Macy's, he did that.

Well, if you want to know
the truth, lady,

that was pretty funny.

I think you're a very nice lady.

What do you think of me?

I think you're very nice, also.

You know, a very nice quality you have

is that you're a good listener,

which is important to me
because of how much I talk.

Hey, you are a laugher, aren't you, lady?

I guess so, Nick.

Yeah.

Would you like some fruit?

We got lots of fruit.

No, thank you, Nick.

If you'd like to call
your mother or someone,

please feel free to use the telephone.

Or my desk if you want to read
a book or something.

Or any... any of the chairs.

I will.
Thank you, Nick.

Okay.

Well... You gonna be staying
around here for a while?

I might. Yes.
Yes.

Well...

Good luck to you, lady.

Murray!

What a nice suit you bought!

Hi.

Yeah.

How is everything?

Which job did you get?

Still going good, Violet?

Marvelous!

She's in her third month.

She's pregnant?

No, unemployment insurance.

Don't keep me in suspense.
Which job did you get?

I shall now leave you breathless

with the strange and wondrous tale

of this sturdy lad's adventures
today in downtown oz.

Now, picture, if you will, me.

I am walking on east 51st street
about an hour ago,

practicing how to say "I am sorry"

with a little style.

Sorry for what?

Well, for anything.

Just rehearsing.

Well you know how it is

when you're walking down the
street, talking to yourself...

How suddenly you say something out loud?

So, I said, "I'm sorry."

And this fella coming by...
A complete stranger...

He looks up a second and he says,

"that's all right, Mac,"
and he goes right on.

He automatically forgave me.

I communicated.

Now, 5:00 rush hour in midtown,
you could say,

"sir, I believe your hair is on fire,"

and they wouldn't even hear you.

So I decided to test the whole
thing out scientifically.

I just stood there
on the corner of 51st and Lex

saying "I'm sorry"
to everybody that came by.

"I'm so sorry, sir."

"I'm terribly sorry, madam."

"Say, there, miss,
I'm sorry."

Of course, I got a few funny looks,

but I swear, Sandy,
75% of them forgave me.

Something had happened to all of them

for which they felt somebody
should apologize.

It was fabulous.

I had tapped some vast reservoir.

I just said "I'm sorry,"

and they were all so generous, so kind.

Murray?

Yeah, Sandy, I could run up
on the roof right now

and holler "I'm sorry,"

and a half a million people
would holler back,

"that's okay, just see
that you don't do it again!"

Murray, you didn't take any of the jobs.

Sandy, i...

I'm sorry.

I'm very sorry.

Well, damn it, lady,
that was a beautiful apology.

I mean, you got to love a guy
who can apologize so nice.

I rehearsed it for over an hour.

Sandy...

That's the most
you should expect from life...

A really good apology for
all the things you won't get.

Murray, I don't understand.

What happens to Nick?
What about the welfare board?

Sandra, I...

Murray, if you didn't like
the job... jobs

your brother found for you,
then take any job.

Sandy, it isn't the job.

I have had no effect on you at all.

I've made no difference.

Sandy, you are a cute, jolly lady.

Sandy, hey...

There's a great sailing tomorrow...

The embarkation of the season.

53rd street dock at 1:00...

The Montana maru, Pearl of the Atlantic,

bound for Europe, khorramshahr, sumatra,

and Beirut, and points east.

We'll stand on the dock and watch it go.

Gives you the genuine feeling

of the beginning of things.

Hey, bon voyage, Charlie!
Have a wonderful time!

I can see why Nick liked it here.

I would like it, too,
if I was 12 years old.

Hey, stick with me,
Dr. markowitz.

You know, anything can happen above

an abandoned Chinese restaurant.

There are so many
really attractive things

that you can do
with a one-room apartment

if you're willing
to use your imagination.

Goodbye, Murray.

You forgot your files!

Hey! Damn it!

You forgot your files.

I've been attacked
by the ladies' home journal.

Place has an unusual quality
now... a kind of fun gothic.

Where is my eagle?!

Well, what have we got here...
Sunnybrook farm?!

Everybody, onstage
for a Hawaiian number, please!

Now I'm insulted.

You walked out of my office.

That wasn't a nice thing
to do to me, Murray.

You come to my office today
like George god.

Everybody's supposed to come up

and audition for human being
in front of you.

I called Leo back.
I apologized.

I told him the phone broke down.

I... everything
is going to be fine.

Arnie, you said I insulted you.

Well, damn it, get angry.

Come on. Raise your voice...
At least, your eyebrows.

Please, please have an argument with me.

Murray, you're just...

You're just getting excited, that's all.

Now, look, I've got Leo to come over.

He's gonna see you tonight.

Everything is gonna
turn out fine. You'll see.

Arnie, will you forget that?
Will you forget it?

Look at...

If you love Nick

or whoever it is
he's calling himself this week,

you have got to take any kind
of a stupid job to keep him.

Now, I even thought maybe
Shirley and me would take him,

but, you know, with our
three kids, she'd go crazy.

Don't worry, Arnie.

This, welfare crowd,
they know what they're doing.

They'll put Nick with a good family.

Yep.

Murray, I finally
figured out your problem...

There is only one thing
that really bothers you...

Other people.

The enemy.

Watch out, Murray.

They're everywhere.

Go ahead, Arnold.
Give me advice.

At $30,000 a year, you can afford it.

I get it.

If I'm so smart, why ain't I poor?

Well, you better get a damn good
act of your own, buddy,

before you start
giving mine the raspberry.

What's this game you play
gonna be like in 10 years

without youth?

Murray, I can't watch this.

You've got to shape up.

Shape up?!

That's right... shape up.

Arnie, what the hell happened to you?

You got so old I don't know you anymore.

Who is it?

When you quit Harry the fur king
on 28th street, remember?

That's 20 years ago, Murray.

Harry said you weren't
behaving maturely enough

for a salesman.

Your, clothes didn't match or something.

So the next day, you dressed perfectly...

Homburg gray suit, cufflinks,

carrying a briefcase
and a rolled umbrella,

and you came into Harry's office
on roller skates.

Where'd they go, Arnie?

What happened to your roller skates?

I don't do practical jokes,
anymore, if that's what you mean.

Practical.

That's right...
A way to stay alive.

Hey, if most things aren't funny, Arn,

then they're only exactly what they are.

Then it's just
one long dental appointment,

interrupted occasionally
by something exciting

like waiting or falling asleep.

What's the point if I leave
things just the way I find them?

Then I'm just adding to the noise,

I'm just taking up
some more room on the subway.

Murray, the welfare board
has these specifications.

All you have to do
is to make up your mind...

God. Arnie,
you don't understand anymore.

You've got that wide stare
that people stick in their eyes

so nobody will know their head's asleep.

You have to be a moaner, a shuffler.

You want me to come, sit,
and eat fruit with you

and watch the clock run out.

You start to drag and stumble
under the rotten weight

of all the people
who should have been told off.

All the things you should have said,

all the specifications that aren't yours.

You know, the only thing
you've got left to reject

is your food in a restaurant.

If they do it wrong, you can send it back

and make a big fuss with the waiter.

Five months ago, I was
on a subway on my way to work.

I was sitting on the express,
the same as every morning,

looking out the window,

watching the local stops go by
in the dark

with an empty head and my arms folded,

not feeling great, not feeling rotten...

just...

Not feeling.

And for a minute,
I-i couldn't remember.

I didn't know,
unless I really concentrated,

whether it was a Tuesday
or a Thursday or a...

For a minute,
it could have been any day, Arn.

I got to know what day it is.

I got to know what's the name of the game

and what the rules are
without anyone else telling me.

You got to own your own days
and name them...

Each one of them...
Every one of them.

Or else the years go right by,

and none of them belong to you.

And that ain't just for weekends, kiddo.

Well

here it is the day after
Irving r. Feldman's birthday,

and I never even congratulated him.

Murray!

Well, what's so funny?

I scared myself.

Murray, I've long been aware...

I've long been aware that
you don't respect me so much.

No. I suppose there are a lot of
brothers who don't get along,

but... In reference to us
and considering the factors...

Sounds like a contract, doesn't it?

Unfortunately, for you, Murray,
you want to be a hero.

If maybe a fellow falls into the lake

you can jump in and save him.

There's still that kind of stuff.

So, who gets opportunities
like that in midtown Manhattan

with all that traffic?

I'm willing to deal
with the available world.

I don't choose to shake it up,
but to live with it.

There's the people who spill things,

and there's the people
who get spilled on,

and I don't choose to notice the stains.

I have a wife, and I have children,

and business, like they say, is business.

I'm not an exceptional man,

so it's possible for me to stay
with things the way they are.

I'm lucky.

I'm gifted.

I have talent for surrender,
and I'm at peace, but you...

You're cursed, and I like you, Murray.

So it makes me sad.

You don't have the gift,
and I can see the torture of it.

All I can do is worry for you,
but I will not worry for myself.

You can't convince me
that I'm one of the bad guys.

I get up.
I go.

I lie a little.
I peddle a little.

I watch the rules.
I talk the talk.

We fellows have those offices
high up there

so that we can catch the wind
and go with it however it blows,

but... and I'm not gonna
apologize for it...

I take pride.

I am the best possible Arnold burns.

Give my regards
to Irving r. Feldman, will you?

Hey, Arnie.

Murray, please, allow me once
to leave a room before you do.

Hey, Murray, watch it.

Yeah, it's okay now.

Hey.
That's great Murray.

Hiya, Nick.

You don't give it enough play,
it goes into a dive.

Let's go downstairs.

Murray...
I want to talk to you.

This afternoon in school,
I made a decision.

Right in the middle
of creative geography class,

I decided that since
you were getting a job today,

then I made up my mind
it was time for me, also,

to finish a certain matter
which I've been putting off.

See, for the past couple of months,

I've been considering different names,

'cause in 4 weeks I am gonna be 13,

and I've got to pick
my permanent first name

like we said.

You should just go on
calling yourself Nick.

You've been using that one the longest.

Well, Nick is a name for a short person.

Since I'm a short person,

I don't believe I should put
a lot of attention on it.

What do you mean? Where'd
you get the idea you were short?

From people who are taller than I am.

That is ridiculous.

Sure.

Up there, it's ridiculous.

But from down here where I am,
it's not so ridiculous.

You know, half the girls in
my class are taller than me...

especially Susan bookwalter.

Nick, you happen to be a nice
medium height for your age.

So, how is it everybody
crouches over when I'm around?

Because you're a kid.

Look, you come from a fairly tall family.

Next couple of years,
you're gonna grow like crazy.

Really, every day you're getting bigger.

But so is Susan bookwalter.

So, for a couple of months,

I've been considering various tall names.

Then I thought about
just picking any name,

putting "captain" in front of it
so it'd Jack it up a little,

but I really didn't like that either.

But then...

Last week, I finally and really decided,

and I took out a new library
card to see how it looks.

And today I figured I'd make it
definite and official.

That's my library card.

Well, no. That's
the whole thing. It's mine.

Well, this one says Murray burns on it.

Well, yeah.
That's the name that I picked.

So I took out a new card

to see how it looks and make it official.

Hey, Murray, baby, don't jump!

Hey, fella, don't jump!
I'll meet you inside!

Hey, it's Mr. Herman.

That's the job you took?

Mu-u-u-r-r-r!

Hey, mu-u-u-r-r-r!

There he is.

There's the old monkey.
There's the old joker.

Yeah, here he is, Leo.

There he is.
There's the little guy.

Look-a here, little guy,
I got a chuckles statue for you.

Well, thank you,
Mr. Herman.

Imagine how pleased I am to receive it.

It's a very artistic statue,
and very good cardboard, too.

And I got a chuckles hat for you

just like the old chipmunk wears.

Thank you.
Whoop!

Thank you.

You're wearing the chuckles hat.

You got to say the chuckles hello.

The what?

Chip-chip chippermunky!

Yeah! Sure.

Chip-chip chippermunky!

May I know your first name?

It's Nick most of the time.

Most of the time.

Look what I got here...

Two big bags of
chuckle chip potato chips?

Nicky, you want to put these crispy chips

in a bowl or something for us?

Yeah, and take your time, Nick,

'cause your uncle and me got some...

We got some grown-up talking
to do.

OK... the kid hates me.

I didn't go over very well with him.

I pushed a little too hard.

Nice kid, Murray.

Yeah.
How are your kids, Leo?

Fine, fine, but I swear to god,

even they don't like my show
since you stopped writing it.

My youngest one,
my 6-year-old...

Ralphie.
Ralphie...

Watches "the funny bunny show"
every morning now instead of me.

I have been bombing out
on the show every morning.

You know what it feels like to
bomb out in front of children.

You flop out in front of kids,
Murray, I swear to god,

they're ready to kill you,
or else they stare at you.

That's the worst...
That hurt, innocent little stare

like you just killed their pup

or ate their turtle or something.

Murray, have you back with me
at the studios.

See you at the show tomorrow.
It's gonna be beautiful.

You're the best.

I-I appreciate you feeling
that way, Leo.

This afternoon, the phone...

You walked out on me, didn't you?

Yeah, Leo.

Why?
Why do you do this to me?

I'm sorry.
No, I was only kidding now.

Don't tell me...
I know I make people nervous.

Who can listen to me
for 10 minutes, right?

You see that?
You see that?

See how I kept touching my suit,
my tie like that?

I keep touching myself
to make sure I'm still here.

I get this feeling... maybe I
vanished when I wasn't looking.

No, I'm sure that you're here, Leo.

See how he talks to me a little nasty?

I like it.

It's straight. It's real.
I like it.

You know what I got around me
on the show?

Finks, dwarfs, phonies, and frauds.

No Murrays...
The show is boring.

Boring, boring, boring, boredom, bore.

Boring, boring, boring, boring.

Boring, boredom, bore!
Murray.

Boring, boredom, bore.
Boring, boring, boring.

I believe that I left my files here.

I came to get my files.

May I have my files, please?

Excuse me.

Chuckles the chipmunk,
this is minnie mouse.

Hiya, minnie.

You must be Mr. Herman.

I must be.
I must be him.

Well, I'll be on my way.

That's a very attractive girl,
that minnie. What does she do?

She's my decorator.

Sh...
She's done a wonderful job.

The place is great, Murray.
It's loose! It's open!

It's free!
I love it.

A wonderful crazy place.

My god, you must make out like
mad in a place like this?

How is it I never came here before?

You were here last January, Leo.

Murray, you worked with me
for three years.

I never saw your apartment.

You were here last January, Leo.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Wasn't I here recently, in the winter?

Last January, I think.

I remember I came here
to get you back on the show,

and you wouldn't listen to me.

It was the week after you quit,

but you walked into the kitchen

and started singing
"yes, sir, that's my baby,"

and I left, feeling very foolish

like I had footprints on my face, you...

You monkey.

You're a monkey. You're
an old monkey, aren't you?

Walked in the kitchen

and started singing
"yes, sir, that's my baby."

You know what I got from that experience?

A rash.
I broke out something terrible.

Heh.

Minnie mouse.

Minnie mouse!

You told me her name was minnie mouse!

I swear to god,

I think my mission in life
is to feed you straight lines.

Like out of a fallout shelter...

That's what you got here, murr...

Protection against the idiots
in the atmosphere.

It's free.
It's free, free, free.

Free, free, free,
free-a, free.

Another year, and I'll cut...

Another year, and I'll cut loose
from that chipmunk show.

Binds me.
Hugs me up.

Finks, dwarfs, phonies, and frauds.

Now, the two of us,

we got to do something new,
something wild...

A new kind of kid's show
for adults, maybe.

You told me the same thing
three years ago, Leo.

All right.

I'm a coward.

Everybody knows...
My god.

Did you ever see anything so immodest?

I bring a big statue of myself
as a gift for a child?

The pure ego of it!

I'm ashamed, Murray.

Throw a sheet over it
or something, will you, please?

Hey, yum, yum, yum, yum.
Hey, yum, yum, yum, yum.

Good.

Gosh.

Kidderoonies, look at your
poor chippermunk friend.

He got his mouth stuck.

Ho!

No matter how hard I try,
I can't get my mouth unstuck.

But maybe, if you chippermunks yell,

"be happy, chuckles,"
maybe then it will get unstuck.

Y-you're supposed to yell,
"be happy, chuckles!"

Yeah. Sure.

Be happy, chuckles!

All right!
You fixed me!

I'm all fixed.

Would you like your
potato chips now, Mr. Herman?

That's a bit
from tomorrow morning's show.

Yeah, you're gonna know it

before all the kids in the neighborhood.

Thank you.

That's one of the funny parts there

where I couldn't move my mouth.

O-yeah?

You didn't think it was funny?

Sure.
That was pretty funny.

Yeah.

Don't you laugh or something
when you see something funny?

Yeah. It just caught me
by surprise is all.

I didn't get a chance.

Don't you want more potato chips, mister?

Another funny part was where
I jumped up with a smile, there,

at the end, there...

Was another one.

Then the finish on the bit.
I got the smile, see.

Now I'm all fixed?
Now I'm all fixed.

Now it's stuck the other way.

Gee, that's terrific,
Mr. Herman.

That's all you got to do.

Just get up there and do that,
and they pay you and everything.

You didn't laugh.

I was waiting for the funny part.

That was the funny part.

You mean when you fell on the floor?

Yes, when I fell back
on the floor, there.

Well, you see, the thing is...

Yeah, I know. You were waiting
for the funny part.

Well, here,
you missed another funny part.

Another one?
I'm very sorry Mr. Herman.

Forget it.

I happen to know
that the bit is very funny.

I can prove it to you.

What does it say right there -
second line, there.

"Frown bit... 85% of audience

outright prolonged laughter
on frown bit."

That's an analysis report
the agency did for me

on Monday's preview audience.

The routine I just did for you
got outright prolonged laughter,

85%, Monday, 3:00.

You could try him on sad parts, Leo.

He's very good on sad parts.

As a matter of fact,
there's a poignant-type bit

I did at the preview theatre.

"60% of audience
noticeably moved."

They left the theatre?

There he is.
There's the old joker, right?

Murray the joker!

Well, say, I can do some routines, too.

Yeah. I can imitate
the voice of Alexander Hamilton.

Good. Lovely.

I do Alexander Hamilton,

and Murray does
a terrific Thomas Jefferson.

We got the voices just right.

Hello, Alex.
How are you?

Say, hello, tom.

You should have been in congress today.

Yeah.
You really missed...

This is ridiculous.

You can't do an imitation
of Alexander Hamilton.

Nobody knows what he sounds like.

Well, that's the funny part.

You missed the funny part, Leo.

I'm getting a terrible rash on my neck.

I was working good in front of the kids.

The routine I did for them was funny.

I don't go over with these odd kids.

Look at him!

Here I am in front of him
in person, for god sakes!

He's staring at me.

Oddness here, Murray.
Oddness.

Alexander Hamilton imitation...
Jaded jokes for old men.

What you done to the kid is a shame.

It's a shame. It's a shame the
way you brought the kid up here.

Grotesque atmosphere...
It's unhealthy.

Women in and out... decorators.
Yeah, right.

Had he been brought up
by a normal person,

not in this madhouse...

Hey, don't say that.

A certain freakish kind of growing up,

freakish way of growing up.

Hey, are you calling me a freak?

You called me a freak. Now,
you take back what you said.

On June the 3rd, I'll be 42 years old,

and I'm standing here arguing
with a 12-year-old kid.

Nicky...

Humor is a cloudy, wonderland thing...

But simple and clear
as the blue, blue sky.

All I want is your simple, honest,

child's opinion of my routine.

But children are too honest to be wise.

Well, my simple, child reaction
of what you did

is that you are not funny.

Funnier than you is even Stuart sloshman,

who is my friend and is 11

and puts walnuts in his mouth
and makes noises.

What's not funny is to call us names.

And what is mostly not funny
is how sad you are,

and I'd feel sorry for you if
it wasn't for how dull you are.

And those are the worst-tasting
potato chips I've ever tasted.

And that's my opinion
from the blue, blue sky.

There he is.
There's the old Murray.

There's the old joker, right?

You didn't want to come back
to work for me.

You got me up here
to step on my face again!

Now, wait, Leo...

That's the song!
That's the goodbye song!

Hey, hey, Leo!
A bunch of nuts here!

You're crazy people!
Wait a minute, will you?

I'm sorry.

Quit it.
Cut that out.

Come on, Murray. We'll sing to him.
He'll go away.

Come on, just put it down.

Come on, Murray, let him go away.

He called us names.

Will you be quiet for just a minute?

Murray, let him go away, please!

Crummy statue!

Hey, Nick!
Come on, cut it out, Nick.

He can't push us around!
Not you and me, Murray!

Nick!

We got to, please!

Please!
We can't.

We can't.

Kid, I'm sorry.

Sorry, kid.

I'm sorry.

Look...

Better go to your room.

This is
a one-room apartment.

Okay, then go to your alcove.

Hey, Leo, I hope
you didn't misunderstand.

We were only kidding you.

Myself.
I got carried away there myself.

Well, we all got
a little excited, I guess.

So...

I'll see you at work in the morning, Leo.

Great to have you back, fella.
You both hate me.

No, nobody hates you.

I yelled at the kid.
I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to cause any upset.

I don't get along too good with kids.

Well, don't worry about it.

Why not come have a drink with me?

No, no, not tonight.

Some other night, Leo?

Yeah, look...

After I leave, you horse around
with the kid a little bit,

he'll feel better.

Right, Leo.

That bit I did for him
was funny, wasn't it, Murray?

Yeah, Leo. I guess
it was just a bad day for you.

Bad day for the old chipmunk.

You...

You don't want to leave that statue

lying on the floor like that, Murray?

No, Leo. No.

Gee.

See you at the studio
in the morning, you old monkey.

You're an old monkey, aren't you?

Hey, I could use
a pastrami sandwich right now.

Couldn't you?

On rye with coleslaw
and Russian dressing?

Nick?

Guy calls us names.

Guy talks to us like that.

Should have got rid of that moron.

We could have fooled
the welfare people or something.

Could have moved to Mexico,
New Jersey, or someplace.

I hear the delicatessen
in Mexico is terrible.

I'm gonna call myself Theodore.

Okay.

As long as you don't
call yourself Beatrice.

All right.
Fool around.

Wait till you see
a Theodore running around you.

You just wait.

Another couple of seconds,
he would have been out the door.

Murray...

Why'd you go chicken on me?

Because your routines

give me outright, prolonged laughter...

Theodore.

$4.95 for a new tablecloth,

and you leave it around like this.

Perfectly new tablecloth,

and already there's dust all over it.

You know, it's very interesting
that I left my files here,

that I forgot them,

I mean, psychologically,
if you want to analyze that.

Of course, last month, I left
my handbag in the automat,

and I have no idea
what that means at all.

I think that the pattern
of our relationship,

if we examine it, is very intricate...

The different areas of it,

especially the whole "goodbye"
area of it.

Hello, Sandy, how are you?

Hello, Murray.

I called the weather lady before.

She says that it is a beautiful day.

Say, lady, can I help with any of that?

As a matter fact, Nick...

Nick, I do not think the effect,

I mean the overall design of this room,

is really helped
by all these knickknacks.

You mean the junk.

Yes.

Yeah, well, it's not good
for the overall design.

So, Nick, if you would just
help me put the junk

into those cartons over there...

Nick.

Nick!

Wilbur.

Wilbur Malcolm burns.

Campers!

The entertainment committee
was quite disappointed

in the really poor turnout at
this morning's community sing.

I mean, where's all that
old camp chikawatame spirit?

I'm sure I speak for all of us
here when I say that I...

And I'd like to say right now that...

That...

Campers, I can't think
of anything to say.