Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats...

Ding-dong, Emily on high -

it's Emily Atack.

Holidays are coming -

it's Ola.

And Rob Beckett, their team captain.

And facing them tonight,

he's a Christmas cracker - it's Jamie Laing.

Go Dasher, go Prancer -

it's Natasia Demetriou,

and Sara Pascoe, their guest team captain.

Now, welcome your host, Jimmy...

..Carr!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Christmas Special,

a show all about opinion polls, surveys, statistics

and of course, Christmas.

CHEERING

Did you know 8% of millennials are offended by Christmas decorations?

Snowflakes...

..but also baubles and tinsel.

A third of Brits think Lapland is a fictional place.

It's not, I've been, and as strip clubs go,

it's actually all right.

And one in four Brits don't think snogging is cheating

if it's under the mistletoe.

But if that mistletoe is part of a vajazzle,

it's a different story.

Right, let's get started!

What are you talking about?

That's the name of our first round.

It's all panellists job to guess the British public's top three

favourite things about Christmas.

Rob Beckett, what do people love about Christmas?

The presents. What's the best thing you ever got?

Oh...

Braces?

It's hard, Christmas presents, isn't it?

Especially when you're married and you've been with someone

a long time, you've run out of ideas.

The best way, I think, is throwing money at it.

Like last Christmas - I ended up getting my wife three grand

in used banknotes.

That is a lovely gift.

Why did they have to be used and how were they used?

Cocaine, mainly.

That's like calling your wife a stripper, isn't it?

Because you said you're just throwing money...

I don't just like... in her face like that.

I once had a really awkward thing in a relationship where, you know,

we've been together a few years, you think you're in the same place,

so I bought us a holiday to Barbados

and he bought me an electric toothbrush.

And, yeah, it was a very tense day.

At the time, he felt very embarrassed about it,

but then actually it was a good lesson.

We went on holiday for a week and we had an amazing time

but the toothbrush was something that I used every single

day to masturbate.

And so, in a way, a great gift.

You can... And people don't even worry about why it's in your bag.

You can take it on holiday with you. It's a great gift.

And the other great thing is, ladies, minty fresh vagina. Exactly!

Exactly.

Ola, best gift you've ever given.

There was one year I actually decided I was going to try and do

Christmas like other people and I bought everybody in the family

a foot spa, but like half of my family members

just didn't take it home with them.

Slightly weird at your house then if you've you got six foot spas.

You know what you could do? Open up a place in the high street,

all we need is couple of goldfish -

you know those things where people...?

Oh, yeah, the fish nibble off the skin.

Yeah, charge people £20 a go. Lovely.

You know those are really bad, those fish things? Why?

The fish don't even get a lunch break.

We'll they're having a lunch.

They just keep on. 24/7. They just keep going.

It's actually against the EU working time directive.

They are very much remain, those fish.

Emily... best gift?

Well, I don't know about Christmas,

but someone keeps sending butt plugs to my house.

SARA GASPS

And they're changing each month.

They not really kind of minimal... Oh, I've got that with socks -

where they send you a new pair of socks every month.

Well, you can't shove socks up your arse. You can.

It's the weirdest thing and my dad came round the other day

and he was fixing something for me and he pulled this drawer open,

and this butt plug rolled out on the floor, and he went,

"What's that?"

So you've kept the butt plugs...?

It'd be a waste not to.

Who had four minutes for the butt plug conversation?

What about you, Natasia?

I have a half-Cypriot father and he really comes in to his own

because everything that he does wrong is amplified more

by the fact that it's Christmas.

So he often wraps me up some of his clothes and gives them to me.

He's like... CYPRIOT ACCENT: "It's very nice.

"It's very comfortable. I've had lots of lovely wear out of it.

"Now it's your turn."

What's the best thing he's ever given you? A vest.

He gave you a vest?! He gave me his vest.

He was like, "It keeps me so warm and I am worrying about you

"not keeping warm. I can't help you everywhere.

"So here's my vest." And it's brown. It's brown there.

AUDIENCE GROAN

Sometimes if he's in a bad mood, because Christmas is so...

You never know what's going to happen.

Once he just chucked a fiver at me and went,

"Merry fucking Christmas."

Now, some people say kids aren't grateful,

but take a look at this kid - he really is dead.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Dad!

What?!

Is it the Doctor? Oh, my God, I wished for this! Seriously!

It's the one! It's the one!

Oh, my goodness!

You know what, Dad? I'm too lucky!

Oh, my God! YES!

HE SCREAMS

iPad Mini!

That is sweet.

I'll be honest, Sara, I don't even think you should give kids cocaine.

His poor sister in the background wishing she was an only child.

People always go like,

"The kids... HE SNORTS

"..They like the boxes more than the actual presents

"on Christmas, don't they?" No!

Imagine wrapping up 15 empty boxes and giving them to your kids -

they'd be fuming.

I remember I was about nine years old

and I was sitting in my bed and I was awake

because I was excited for Santa Claus to come

and my uncle walked in naked with the sack over his shoulder.

And walked in and went, "Oh, hello."

I went, "What's that?" And he went, "It's your presents."

And he walked out again and I went, "Well, that's it, it's done."

You're really, really, really lucky you were awake.

Number one.

That's his alibi over his shoulder.

It was full of lube...

At least there was lube.

Ola, what's the best thing you ever got?

Oh, well, my mum's version of Christmas gifts

was paying our school fees.

That's what it is - when you grow up

with a British Nigerian household,

you just get reminded of what you've already got.

And that's why I went on to study accounting.

You studied accounting. Well, where were you when I needed you?

OK, let's have a look and see if presents are up there.

Yes, it's Christmas presents!

Last year, I got my girlfriend a puppy for Christmas.

It was so cute. I even put it in a little box with a big bow on it.

My mistake was sending it second class.

I like unusual presents.

Last year, I bought my nan a lifetime supply

of Werther's Originals, which turned out to be

three packets of Werther's Originals.

What else do people love about Christmas?

OK, I think people love the food - they love the Christmas dinner,

all of the chocolates and the drinking and the gluttony, yeah.

I'm not a big fan. You don't like Christmas dinner?

I think it's overrated.

So if it's rated, most people would give Christmas dinner

nine and a half out of ten. Why? What would you give it?

25 out of ten. Yeah. It's the best meal of the year.

No, it's not better than shepherd's pie.

Are you saying shepherd's pie is better than Christmas dinner?

You've mashed up a roast dinner.

You've mashed it up and put it in a dish and you think that's better?

Honestly, shepherd's pie is unbelievable.

Also... We've all heard shepherd's pie, mate.

Christmas dinner - roast potatoes, fine, they're a bit dry.

You've got turkey, it's dry.

You've got Brussel sprouts, no-one likes them.

So you're saying a badly cooked Christmas dinner is bad?

No! Even a goodly... A goodly cooked one.

A goodly cooked one!

Goodly cooked one! Are you now in Dickens?

Yeah!

The bread sauce can do one, I do agree with that. What?!

Bread sauce is the best bit. Oh, fuck off, shepherd's pie.

Bread sauce is like porridge for arseholes. Yeah.

Pigs in blankets, do you like them? They're lovely, they're fine.

Pigs in blankets it strikes me...

I mean, it's the very opposite of being vegan, isn't it?

To me... We've taken meat, wrapped it in another bit of meat.

Yep, and it looks like the pigs trying to themselves back together.

Get revenge on everyone. It's really creepy.

I don't get on board with this bird inside a bird, inside a bird...

Some of them do that seven birds... Yeah, that's...

I don't even know how many birds! No.

Can you name seven birds? Woodpecker, budgie, pigeon...

Robin, robin! Kingfisher.

Also, anyone who wants to shove...

..How big are these birds arses?

Interestingly, they don't have sphincters

and that's why they just poo when they're flying around.

That's why it just drops out.

Sorry, but maybe I don't have a sphincter.

Why do you think you don't have a sphincter?

Well, because it just like... It just falls out of me.

Welcome to Christmas, everyone. What?

I went round to a date's house two days before Christmas and...

Anyway, I woke up in the morning and I was like...

And I was naked in bed.

And I was like, "Oh, my God!" We were just very hungover.

There was a knock at the door. I was like, "Who's that?!"

She said, "It's my mum." "Why's your mum here?"

"Because it's my house." I went, "Oh, my God!"

And I saw my boxers on the ground. I'll show you.

I quickly went like this and put them on.

I went, "Oh!" And the mum walked in and I was standing there

being super charismatic, talking to the mum and the daughter

and they were looking at me weirdly. I was like, "What the fuck?"

And I looked down and they were inside out

and I had skid marks running all the way up.

GROANING AND APPLAUSE

There we go. That's so horrible.

Ola? Yeah? Christmas dinner?

A lot of the Nigerians go back to Nigeria for Christmas.

So there was one Christmas I was in Nigeria, it's Christmas Eve,

we were driving home with a live turkey in the car.

LAUGHTER

I don't see why that's funny.

Wow - a live turkey in the car? Yeah.

Who killed it, then, when you got home?

Oh, you get someone to do it.

There's are guys - that's their job. All right.

Like butchers.

So you got to know you dinner?

I think you should. I think it's only polite.

Do you think he knew you were going to eat him

or he thought he was just, like, in an Uber

and then it had this terrible ending?

He thought he'd been saved at the last minute.

He thought it was like a Disney movie -

I'm going home with him, I can't believe my luck!

I've made new friends. Oh, don't!

You could say at least I'm not stuffing another five birds

up your arse.

Emily - Christmas dinner, what do you like?

Oh, I love it all, I absolutely love it.

But my favourite bit is the cheese board afterwards.

I once ate a whole wheel of brie at Christmas

and then drank a bottle of Baileys.

Was the rest of your family just staring at you as this happened?

I love cheese so much.

You know how people have the cheese and crackers?

I just have cheese on another slab of cheese and a bit of chutney.

Yeah. Gorgeous.

I mean, you cannot attack a full brie without chut.

Without chut! You know, that's what they call it down the old East End.

The brie and the chut.

Again, it's overrated, isn't it? No, it's not!

What's better for you? Banoffee pie.

It's a good pie.

I think science should experiment on you.

It's not! If someone put cheese in front of you and said,

"Would you like that or would you like banoffee pie or banana split,"

you'd pick the other two in a heartbeat.

If someone put shepherd's pie or a Christmas dinner,

you'd pick the shepherd's pie. No, you wouldn't! Yes, you would.

No-one agrees with you.

I don't think you're qualified to talk about this

because you can't even wipe your own arse.

So...

..I don't think we have to take that seriously.

OK, let's have a look and see if it's up there.

Most popular thing, yes - Christmas dinner.

Turkey has been a traditional part of Christmas since Victorian times.

What people don't realise is just how versatile Turkey can be.

You can serve it pink, tasteless, dry, undercooked, or burnt.

That's it for part one. See you after the break.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats where we're still trying to guess

the British public's top-three favourite things about Christmas.

OK. Fingers on buzzers. Rob.

Is it the decorations? Do you go all out?

I do, but I'm getting a bit annoyed.

Like, who put garden centres in charge of Christmas?

LAUGHTER "Oh, do you want to go

"and see Santa?" "Yeah. Oh, where is it? Lapland?

"A toy shop?" "No. Garden centre."

You know, get the tree, fair enough.

But, like, "Oh, do you want to see and see reindeer?"

"Yeah, is it the zoo?" "No. Garden centre."

"Do you want to go and see a massive sad animatronic polar bear

"doing that?" "Oh, yeah. Where we going?" "Garden centre."

LAUGHTER It's a disgrace.

The thing about the Christmas trees is, I mean, you can go and buy one

or you can go and cut one down yourself, but it doesn't go well.

Toddlers, Christmas trees - they don't mix. Take a look.

Lexi, out of the way, please. Lexi!

LEXI!

LAUGHTER Lexi.

Oh, it's Lucas! I thought it was Lexi.

Is he OK?

Oh!

Help him!

LAUGHTER

Good job, Aidan.

That is the worst parenting ever.

Doesn't stop filming, doesn't help, doesn't even know the name. Yeah.

Imagine if the last words you ever heard were your parents

calling you your sibling's name.

I'm not Cheryl.

Christmas is dangerous, though, innit?

You do dangerous things. Yeah.

We went ice skating at the fucking garden centre!

All right, Rob. All right! It's Christmas. Just be nice.

You know why I'm angry?

My wife's banned tinsel.

Said it's a bit chavvy.

I worry she's going to ban me next year.

Yeah, I think that's an issue I have with my wife as well.

I like the classy stuff and she likes the tacky stuff.

Yeah. So there was this house that had all these really tacky

and really over-the-top lights.

So I had to take her and my daughter to go see them,

go stand outside someone else's house at night. And...

But they had a box there.

Like, if you like the lights, you can donate to this charity

that helps polar bears.

And I thought to myself, "OK, so they're dying

"because the sea levels are rising

"cos of global warming and climate change,

"probably because you kept all these lights on." Yeah!

LAUGHTER

OK, some Christmas decorations, very impressive.

Some make you never want to meet the people responsible. Have a look at this.

# Christmas season

# Starting sooner every year

# It's October

# Stores with plastic Christmas trees

# Ransack the mall

# Shop until you lose your mind

# Spike the eggnog

# Sit back and watch Rudolph, Frosty Tiny Tim

# And Scrooge The Grinch

# Or Charlie Brown

# It's time. #

If that's your house, fuck off.

LAUGHTER

My dad gets decorations from...

I honestly don't know where.

He was like, "I got you some very special little birdies for the tree,

"they're very sweet little birdies," and they are like... honestly,

their claws are made of black wire

and their eyeballs are hanging out on, like, small sticks,

and they're like that.

So do you go visit him in Broadmoor for Christmas?

What is the weirdest thing that's happened in your house at Christmas?

My dad pooed himself on Christmas morning.

It was honestly one of the funniest, but, like, saddest things.

It was Christmas morning and my dad had taken the dogs

for a walk and he came in, sort of stormed into the kitchen

and my mum went, "Oh, I'll put the kettle on,"

or something really sweet,

and he went "Fuck off, bitch."

And I was like, "Dad, don't talk to Mum like that.

"It's Christmas morning."

And he went, "Yeah, but how would you feel

"if you fell over in the park and then pooed your knickers?"

How does he make shitting yourself adorable?

Also, the fact that he had knickers on.

Well, I can tell you, Christmas decorations are not on the list,

but many houses in Nottingham are lit up with flashing lights during the Christmas period,

mainly because there's a police car parked outside.

All right. Fingers on buzzers. What else do people love about Christmas?

BUZZER Go on.

I think people love watching all of the TV

that's Christmassy, and Christmas films and things.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Christmas telly is such a massive part of Christmas.

It's basically a marathon.

It's what makes you feel Christmassy, isn't it?

Favourite Christmas TV?

I don't really watch the Queen's Speech.

I mean, it's like, I find it really hard...

I mean, I know there's posh,

and then there's Queen posh,

but I actually can't understand what she's saying.

It's just like...

POSH ACCENT: Merry Christmas...

INDISTINCT POSH ACCENT

She sounds like a sad walkie talkie!

You slightly look posh when you do that. There's something... Yeah.

But it's all in the teeth, posh.

OK. Let me see the posh face. OK, the posh, like...

Oh, so, Jamie...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

INDISTINCT

That's actually a really good impression.

Are you 100% sure Boris Johnson's not your dad?

I dunno!

OK. Favourite Christmas TV, Emily?

I like that Snowman one, you know...

I mean, it's a bit depressing, though, isn't it,

when he melts at the end? Oh, it's sad. So sad.

It's to teach children about death. Like, that's its point.

And that's the thing, when you actually think about it,

so much of Christmas TV is absolutely miserable.

All the soaps kill someone off, all of the adverts

are quite tear jerkers... Strictly Christmas special,

all the husbands have left their wives.

LAUGHTER

I'm TV all the way at Christmas. Like, Christmas Eve,

my wife, like, sometimes suggests, "Want to go to midnight mass?"

No! Nothing good starts at midnight.

Everyone always spoils Christmas Day, as well, don't they,

with getting too pissed on Christmas Eve.

I do this every time. I go, "Right, I'm going out for one.

"I'm going for one to the pub."

Cut to stumbling in and you end up in the Christmas tree.

I don't think you can get too drunk at Christmas.

I think that's the beauty of it.

Like, it hides every level of alcoholism. Yeah.

The fact you have to drink in the morning and that's encouraged,

and there's all these crazy drinks you don't get at other times of year.

Crazy drinks you don't get at other times of the year? Eggnog.

What the frick is eggnog?

Well, bring in the drinks.

I got drinks for you. I got Christmas drinks. Did you?

Yeah, I've got Christmassy drinks. Oh! This is so exciting.

I've got here a turkeyball shot.

No. So whose is whose? You're going to have to have the egg... We're both vegan.

You can have the carrot one. OK, I'm going to have the carrot.

You can also have the red wine. OK. I made my own mulled wine.

Shall we share a little bit of the...? Yeah, share the...

Let's do eggnog first, over here.

Try the eggnog. What is eggnog? It's pretty good.

It's egg, rum, nutmeg, milk, double cream.

Right. It's not a flake.

It's not a flake. Cinnamon stick. It's a cinnamon stick.

It's bark. It's a cinnamon stick! It's a cinnamon stick.

It's tree bark.

Shall we try the carrot juice? So nice.

Carrot juice, so carrot juice, vodka, ginger ale...

Taste it. Shit, that's really nice.

OK. Let's try my family recipe for mulled wine. Try it first.

Oh, what the fuck? What is that?

What have you done to her?

No!

What have I put in my mouth?

What happened?

That's gravy and wine!

It's red wine, Marmite, Polos, and a locket.

My mouth!

If you know what's in it,

it's still disgusting.

Still really disgusting!

If you're pairing wines, that will go lovely with the shepherd's pie.

That is fucking horrible!

It's like what...

..like a urine infection would taste like.

It's like a thick piss. Yeah.

And yeasty from the Marmite. A yeasty, thick piss.

A thick, yeasty, red piss.

What haven't we tried? We haven't tried the sprout one.

OK, so this one's just for you, cos you're not vegan.

JAMIE: It's got, has it got meat in it? Yeah. Yeah.

So that's turkey stock, vodka, lime juice...

LAUGHTER

..Worcester sauce, and... Oh, my God!

That is the most vile thing I've ever... That's like...

Emily quite likes it, I think.

It... I... I can't say what that tastes.

What does it taste like?

That tastes like sweaty bollocks.

Which is fine...

It's an acquired taste! But it's cold.

Hang on a second. So that tastes like sweaty bollocks,

which would be fine, but it's cold? Yeah.

They should just be a little bit warm.

Well, cold and sweaty is clammy. Yeah. You don't want clammy balls.

You're poorly. If you're cold and sweaty, you're very poorly. Yeah.

How are you checking people's health?

Try it, Rob. Just try it. I'm going to, I'm going to!

You're delaying it for no reason! Oh, my fingers now smell like sweaty balls.

LAUGHTER

That's what we have to put up with!

This is like... Exactly!

It clings to your mouth! It's like Gaviscon.

This is... this is...

Can we got a slow-mo of Rob's face just now?

Oh, oh, oh!

And again.

You try some, Jim. Want a little bit? I...

I'll bring it over, I'll just pop over here. You can have a little bit.

Have a little sip. Thanks, man. Here you go, I'll just pop it there.

Is he going to?

LAUGHTER

Yeah, that's sweaty balls.

I miss my uncle.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, let's see if Christmas TV is up there.

That's what we were talking about, Christmas telly!

Oh, my God.

Yes, Christmas telly.

We all love a bit of Christmas TV.

Like the time divorce papers were handed to someone from EastEnders.

Best Strictly final ever.

If you're a big fan of Doctor Who and you're looking forward

to the Christmas special, I don't want to spoil it for you,

but grow up. It's a kids' show.

So those were our favourite things about Christmas.

But let's not forget office parties.

47% of people say they'd like to drink less

at the office Christmas party,

but duty calls and that wastepaper bin

isn't going to shit in itself.

I gave my boss two fingers at the Christmas party.

She liked it. I got a promotion.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

On Christmas Day in the Philippines,

they eat Edam cheese and oxtail soup.

So here's a tip - try and avoid the Philippines on Boxing Day.

We played hide and seek last Christmas with Nan.

No-one could find her

until the council broke down her door on January 15th.

Well played, Nana. Well played.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, before we carry on, time for a quick bonus round,

everyone's favourite Christmas game, Sprout Mouth.

The rules are simple. First, put as many sprouts as you can in your mouth

and your team-mates have to guess what you're saying.

The team that guesses the most phrases are the winners.

OK, Sara, your turn first.

Here's your sprouts. Here's your questions. There you go.

Thank you. And all you've got to guess is what Sara is saying.

So I'm going to put as many in my mouth as I can.

Yeah. OK. That's one.

Oh...

MUFFLED: I don't want to gag on sprouts.

Well, you're pretty good with two in.

Do you want me to get a toothbrush?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

How many feels right, Sara?

How many...? Four feels right.

OK, your time starts now.

MUFFLED:

"Hello, everyone. Merry Christmas." No!

"Hello, everyone. Merry Christmas." No!

"Do you want to have my baby?"

Sara, if you want to play your joker,

you could take one sprout out.

Very ladylike.

INDISTINCT

Oh. Cover my big pudding in bran... brandy butter. Yeah!

That's one. That's one.

Sprout back in. Another one. OK, here we go.

Hello, everyone.

Is it "Hello, everyone. Merry Christmas"?

That's Jamie's guess.

He's not going to guess it once, Sara,

he's going to guess it four times.

Try and dribble a bit more, Sara.

Oh!

Oh, that's not going to help.

What was that? Sock...

Sock. Mm. Oh.

Fuck.

Fuck me.

Glove.

MUFFLED: Stuff.

Dove?

Shove? Sauce?

MUFFLED SHOUT

Love?

Stuff. BOTH: Stuff!

Stuff... My... My... My...

Stocking... Girlfriend?

Stocking. Mm!

Stuff my stocking...

Brilliantly? Filling?

Silly? Mm-hm!

APPLAUSE

And, Rob, this is yours to beat. There you go, grab those.

Put between 15 and 20 in... Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Sara, you did very well,

but I mean, really, you're up against a pro here. I know.

How many did you have in? She had four. Four is a lot.

Oh, he's going to get four in one side.

Oh, my God. There's so much more room.

He's not even filled the middle!

Look at his mouth! OK, that's six.

He's got six in there. No!

Oh!

Seven. No! No way!

That is nothing to be proud of. That's too many! No...

No! No!

That's eight! Oh, my God.

Can you get one more in, Rob? Go on!

No, don't! He can't, he can't. Eight...

Nine!

No, no, no...

No!

Don't do it. What?

Ten! What?!

Rob Beckett!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

OK, so here come the phrases.

He's got about eight in there.

I feel like this game was invented in Harvey Weinstein's hotel room.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Rob, your time starts now.

BOTH: Don't try to tickle the turkey.

That's right.

Oh, he's adding another controversial one. Wow.

OK, that's the first one. He's got one.

Now...?

Is?

Knees? Needs!

Needs!

Now needs...

A...

Naughty?

He needs a naughty curry?

Slowly?

Sherry? Mm! Nan needs a naughty sherry.

Right two for two.

One more for the win.

Santa... They've gotten smaller.

Sandra? Santa?

Fart? Santa's sack?

Slags. No.

Sags. Shags.

Sags! Oh.

Santa's sack sags...

So slightly. Mm!

Rob is the winner!

Obviously, don't try that at home

because you might choke on a Brussels sprout,

and that's too hilarious a way to die.

Also, what did you think Sandra was up to?

So at the end of all that, Rob's team have two points,

Sara's team have two points.

That's it for part two, see you after the break.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to the 8 Out of 10 Cats Christmas special.

Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.

Rob, Ola, Emily, what do you like the look of?

Those lovely little singers? OK, you want the singers.

All right. So we asked our studio audience, what do you prefer?

What do you think? Carols are rubbish, ain't they?

That fa-la-la-la-la one. Write a lyric, will you?

It's like a placeholder. We'll think of something. "Fa-la-la-la-la!"

What is that?

I use it all the time at Christmas.

Just, like, "What day are they coming for the bins?"

"Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!"

That's the best thing about carols, is that you don't have to know

all of the words to be able to shout one bit.

That's what's so great about being at school or being in the choir.

SHE HUMS QUIETLY

SHOUTS: "Five gold rings!"

# Lamb shepherd's pie!

# Banoffee pie, no turkey, I'm Jamie Laing

# And I'll have a fucking banquet at mine! #

I think pop songs are better because then you have...

SHRIEKS: "It's Christmas!"

I always thought Noddy Holder sounds like a condom.

Like, "Have you got a Noddy Holder? If not, I'll go to the shop.

"I'm out of Noddys, mate." "I'm not doing it without a Noddy Holder.

"I've run out of Noddys." What's so great about that is

if someone was like, "Don't worry, I've got a Noddy Holder."

I'd be like, I've changed my mind.

I don't want to do it any more.

Noddy Holder! Noddy Holder.

It's depressing when you're single,

when I was single I'd put a condom in my wallet.

Just in case. Why, for what reason?

So I can have protected sex.

No, he used to put a condom in his wallet

so he can fuck his wallet safely.

The worst thing was, if you were going through a bit of a dry patch,

then eventually the leather in your wallet would form

the shape of the condom even once you took it out.

It was so degrading, like, oh, look.

What do you prefer?

Carols? Oh, massively prefer carols.

What is the one? # Rup-pup-pup-ah... #

Sing it all. No, go on, sing that one.

THEY SING "LITTLE DRUMMER BOY"

# Rum-pum-pum-pum! #

What's that?!

I think if you had a brain injury, that's how you would sound.

I would pay him, if you did Christmas carols

at my house, I'd watch for hours.

"You know the one! # Rum-pum-pum-pum! #"

I like East 17, Stay.

That for me is the perfect Christmas song, it's got no religion in it.

But you can't like that because Brian Harvey got addicted to

jacket potatoes and then ran himself over.

My favourite Christmas song is

Mariah Carey's All I Want For Christmas

because I love the way she sings it. How does she sing it?

SINGS NASALLY: # I just want you for my own

# More than... Mannn mnnnn comnnnn tunnng... #

HUMS NASALLY, ONLY MOUTHING LYRICS

Your TV's is not broken.

That's how she's doing it.

HUMS, MOUTHING LYRICS

Where's the sound coming out?

You don't want to know, Rob, you don't want to know.

The sound is falling out of her.

The more time I spend with you,

the more I think your dad might be just normal.

Maybe you're the problem.

A favourite Christmas song, what do you like, Ola?

I like to buy all the Africa charity singles

they release at Christmas.

I just find it a much easier way to send money home.

When is someone going to ask me to do one of those, honestly?

I just think I'm so up for it.

I mean, I like just like in general, when the carollers come to my house,

I like to... I like to look through them

and try and spot which one could go solo.

Start planting ideas in his head.

"Don't waste your time with these lot. You can go far.

"You can go far if you apply yourself."

It's a bit awkward when they're just standing there singing,

you're just looking at them going...

They're just going "Brightly shone!" in your face.

What do you think people prefer? Christmas carols or pop songs?

Rob? I think pop songs. What are you gonna go for?

I think it's carols. SHRIEKS: # Pop songs! #

I'm with carols with you. I've been outvoted. You're going carols.

You're going pop songs. Well, I can tell you the answer is

70% of our studio audience

prefer Christmas pop songs.

Band Aid famously asked, Do They Know It's Christmas?

And the answer is no. So you don't have to get them anything.

So the end of that round it's three points for Rob's team

and two points for Sara's team.

That's it for part three, see you after the break.

Welcome back to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Christmas Special.

And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.

Here's your first one...

Ooh. BUZZER

Sort my arse out.

Would that be my resolution or yours? It's mine. Because

if it's yours, that's OK. If it's mine,

it seems a bit aggressive. Yeah, accusatory.

GRUFFLY: Gonna sort her arse out!

It's whatever you want it to be, Jimmy.

Merry Christmas.

What do you think - the most common resolution?

I reckon it's to break up with someone. What?! Yes.

Come on. Your Christmases are so depressing.

I once broke up with someone on Christmas Eve. No!

And we still lived together and we didn't have anywhere else to go -

had to spend Christmas with him and I hadn't bought him any gifts

because I knew what we were breaking up.

And then I had to sit there and unwrap the things

that he'd bought me... Yeee!

Was there a little bit of you that thought,

I'm going to break up with him, because then I know

I don't have to do the shopping? No, it wasn't...

Why did you just smile before you said no?

Because that was just a handy side-effect.

What about you, Jamie? Writing thank-you letters.

You are so posh!

Or passing driving tests.

How many? Guess how many times I've booked my theory test.

Four. I would say seven.

51.

There's no way...

51 times you've booked your theory test. How many times

have you done the theory test? Three.

It's because you've spent too much time learning how to ride ponies.

No, it's not! Green is go, red is stop,

if there's a roundabout, wait for the cars. You're fine.

This is why Prince Philip ran someone over.

Ola, have you got a New Year's resolution?

I asked my wife, actually.

what her New Year's resolution was and she said, this year,

she'd like to be married to a guy who was one stone lighter.

Nice! So the turkey's going to live.

I feel your pain there, like, every year, it's my thing.

I say, right, come on.

People online, they call me fat all the time. I write,

but what you don't realise, I go to the gym every single January.

The worst thing I've ever done is I found myself on January the 1st

struggling down a really busy high street trying to carry

an exercise bike home with me.

Why don't you just get a real bike and ride home?

Spitballing ideas here, I know.

OK, it's related to that. What else?

What's your New Year's resolution? This year,

I really want to get into my skateboarding again.

Oh, fuck off! Just crack on with it.

By the end of the year, I want to be able to do a half-pipe.

Next year, full-pipe. Year after that, pipe and a half.

Ultimately, I want you to see this face

when you look up the word "gnarly".

JIMMY CACKLES

I reckon you're more of a rollerblader, though.

I can see you rollerblading. Rollerblading, yeah,

I used to have a pair of Bauers back in the day.

Did you just wink at me about your rollerblades?

Yeah, I don't know why.

I don't know, I don't wink enough.

Mate, that'll be it, I'm going to wink more.

It really suits you, winking.

Yeah. Do a sexy I've-just-met-you wink at me.

Sexy one?

I just think that you will remember me.

I can't imagine you flirting.

I'd find it the funniest thing in the world to watch you.

Yeah, you wouldn't normally be my target.

Target?! Nice.

Or victim. You know, target or victim.

Jamie, do you even have to flirt?

Do you just bring your bank statement?

I don't know how. Well, flirting... How do you meet people?

Um... Romantically. I go, "Are you all right?"

And then you would say? Fine.

Sweet, that's it. Done.

It got me, it got me. It got you?

So you make sweets

and that's like the most disgusting flirty thing.

You have vegan ones. We are vegan, we're vegan, yeah.

That's me flirting. I've already got laid. Here we go.

That wasn't sex. Oh!

I remember the first time I ever went to, er, second... second base

with a girl. I was really excited. I was like, "Oh, that's..."

Came back to school and it was like a Western.

I went and kicked open the door.

All the boys. I went, "Boys, you'll never guess what, I'm a man."

And then when I told them the story, they said, "What happened?"

I said, well, this has happened, I said,

"And you know when you, er, go inside

"and you find the clitoris?"

And they went, "What?!"

Turns out the clitoris wasn't inside.

That's what I found out. Right? Yeah, yeah.

Having sex with the girl is like going into a cockpit

and trying to land a plane.

Jamie, don't call it a cockpit. Yeah, yeah.

OK, most common New Year's resolution? Is it about smoking?

I feel that's a boring one... Smoking is number two.

Very close with the gym. Losing weight?

That's the right answer.

Yes, the most common New Year's resolution is to lose weight.

The top-three resolutions are lose weight, do more exercise

and stop smoking.

So the best thing to do is run down to the shops, buy some

cigarettes and eat them.

BUZZER Well, that sound tells me it's

the end of the show, which means the final scores are Sara,

Jamie and Natasia have two points.

Rob, Ola and Emily are the winners with four points.

Thanks to our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,

and to all watching at home. That's it from us. Goodnight!

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