Original subtitles

Typically in the barber shop I heard good news

Did you hear? They renewed The Jeffersons for another season

I love me some Weezie boy Whoo

Did you hear the Voyager 2 space probe had its first encounter with Uranus?

But on this day I got the worst news I could imagine

Did y'all hear?

Malvo is out of prison

Malvo was the career criminal that I had helped put away

But like the Terminator everybody knew he'd be back

and they were ready

Shoot I put extra locks on my doors

I put two locks on my bike

I locked up my locks

I ain't scared of Malvo

This is called "barber shop courage"

Hey Chris Chris

Malvo's looking for you

Say what?

Somebody help

Let me in! Please

Malvo Where you been?

Jail Yep that's where you were

Yeah well now I'm out

And I need you to help me

I could only imagine what he wanted help with

Drive boy! Drive!

Help with what?

Look

you are the smartest person I know

Sad but true

So I need you to help me to get into high school

Why you wanna break into school? There's nothing worth stealing

I know I made that mistake before

He was sentenced to stealing a book about sentences

I don't wanna break in to high school

I wanna get into high school

That'll be the first step to turning my life around

What do you want from me?

I want you to tutor me

Why don't you just take the GED?

I don't want no GED

I want the complete experience

I wanna sit at the desk

I wanna smell the textbooks and the chalk

and I wanna be with the other kids

frolicking

Sounds like Michael Jackson's diary

I-- I don't mean to make you mad

or anything

but--

Hypothetically speaking what would happen if I said no?

Nothing

I'm trying to change

It's not like I'll beat you up or stab you or anything

That's how Ike proposed to Tina

Oh Well then in that case

my answer would have to be

no

Run

The men in my family love baseball

and even though we lived in New York

my dad's favorite team was the Los Angeles Dodgers

Hey son what you listening to?

The Mets They're my new favorite baseball team

No!

What did you say?

They're like the best team in the league

They're probably gonna win the World Series

What about the Dodgers?

What about 'em?

They hired Jackie Robinson

So?

Don't you realize that without the Dodgers there'd be no black people in baseball?

The Dodgers are from Brooklyn

The Dodgers have famous hot dogs

The Dodgers have better logos

The Dodgers marched with Dr King

I don't care I still like the Mets

I guess you can buy your own food and clothing

Mature

Wait Dad don't be like that

I mean just admit it

The Mets are a better team than the Dodgers

My father believed in the Dodgers so much he did the unthinkable

You want to put some money on it?

A bet?

Yeah

The Dodgers are in town this weekend against the Mets for three games

We'll see who's the better team

How much?

A dollar

Okay you're on

Take this in the house

Back at the barber shop everybody wanted to know how I was still alive

And you said no?

Yeah Ain't nobody scared of Malvo

Except you Uh I would have never said no

Mm

Mm what? What do you mean?

Well the man was asking for your help and you turned him down

Sometimes people need a hand

Now back when I had my troubles

if it wasn't for Supercuts Johnson

I don't know where I'd be today

Supercut Johnson? Who's that?

Any relation to Jheri curl Johnson?

He was a barber when I was doing time in prison

He used to cut hair on death row

Why would you want to get your hair cut when you're on death row?

and You was in the joint? Oh yeah

Man what did you do?

You know that tag on the mattress that says "Do not pull off"?

I pulled that thing off

Do not pull that tag off man

They are not playing with y'all

So Supercuts Johnson taught you how to cut hair?

Not only that he taught me that everybody deserves

a second chance

- Huh Well where is he now? - Oh he's dead

- He got the chair - But he looked good

So do you think Malvo deserves a second chance?

Look your life is on the line man

Do you think he needs a second chance?

Think about it

Latrinda ,those are some nice earrings

My mom would never let me wear those

My mama don't know These are hers I wear her stuff all the time

Can I try 'em on?

Yeah

Hey ladies

What are you all up to? Nothing

Thank you so much for letting me come over and play with Tonya

On no problem Latrinda I'm happy she finally has somebody nice to play with

You guys come on downstairs I'm making some snacks

If I helped Malvo maybe someday he would help someone else

Or at least kill one less person

Can't you see I'm trying to better myself?

- Malvo - What?

I decided to help you

I ain't gonna be needing you after all Four Eyes

Get out of here

I thought you said you weren't gonna beat anybody up

I wasn't beating him up I was threatening him

He'd gone from a felony to a misdemeanor

That was progress

All right Well let's get started

Okay Ow

When I told my parents about Malvo

they insisted on talking to him but they were prepared for anything

I made you all a bean pie

Oh Thank you

No Thank you Thank you all for having me over

No problem I-It was our pleasure

So I understand you want our son to help you get into high school

Yes sir

Well you do realize it's not a school to get high?

Yes ma'am I figure if I'm gonna turn my life around it starts with education

That's nice Education is good

So what do you plan on doing with this education?

Well short-term

I was thinking about becoming a male nurse

Male nurse That's good You know not many of those

That way he can care for you after he beats the hell out of you

Long-term I was thinking about becoming an astronaut

Ooh That's way up there

Sky's the limit

He wanted to be the first man to steal things in space

You know Malvo we-- We really appreciate what you're trying to do

Yeah but um we kind of don't like the idea of our son hanging out with a--

Ex-con Ex-con yeah

I understand sir

But all I want is a second chance

I mean if I can turn my life around

and become a guy like you

the world will see me differently

No they won't

Congratulations

- Good luck - Yeah Good luck

Good luck

So uh Malvo do you have all your records?

Oh no no no no no

Those were lost in a school fire

I don't know why he's doing quotes

He actually set the school on fire

Well you know I-- I work for the Department of Records

Maybe I could help you find you know some copies of yours

That would be great I'd be most gracious

"Most gracious"

Good word

Come on man

Malvo was trying to do right

but wrong was knocking at our door

Can I help you?

Yeah you Tonya's mother?

Yes I am Who are you?

I'm Alyson I'm Latrinda's mother

I'm here to talk to you about what your daughter did

Well, what did my daughter do?

Well she talked my little Latrinda into going to see an R-rated movie and I don't appreciate it

I don't appreciate that outfit

Well that does not sound like my Tonya

but I promise you I'll get down to the bottom of it

Yeah you do that

I miss Salt-N-Pepa

What happened at the movies? What do you mean?

Latrinda's mother just came here and told me you dragged her to an R-rated movie

No that's not what happened

Latrinda's mother was supposed to come with us to see Police Academy 3

but she just dropped us off

so Latrinda wanted to sneak in to some movie called Kiss of the Spider Woman

and they had all nasty killing and stuff in there

and I didn't wanna see it so I left

I was used to seeing Malvo getting booked not reading one

Hey Chris

Hey Malvo Where you going?

Down to Greenwich Village to play Scrabble in the park

What have you got there an abacus?

No

Well it's obviously not an abalone

What are you talking about?

I'm just practicing my new words

Oh well listen man

my mom pulled up your records

There's no way you can get into high school

Why not?

You never graduated junior high school

Now I feel abysmal

Nothing sadder than a depressed gangster

Since I didn't know how to get Malvo past the eigth grade

I decided to ask a professional

Chris this is wonderful

You're like a one-man Operation PUSH

Thank you

And Malvo, with the proper education you could do so many things

You could be a garbage collector

garbage truck driver

garbage truck dispatcher The list is endless

So what do you think we should do next?

I've got an idea

Why don't you sit in

which your people have historically been good at and audit my class?

"Audit" means to attend classes or lectures as an auditor

Auditor means hearer or listener

Yes

So how would that help him?

Well if he's preparing for an equivalency test he needs classroom experience

It'll help him get acclimated

Acclimated To accustom or to become accustomed to a new climate or an environment

Thank you Ms Morello

Yes thank you

Chris I think this is a great way for you to get your father off the streets

And in her bed

Back home my father was realizing that these weren't Jackie Robinson's Dodgers

Yes! Ha

The Mets win again

Looks like you owe me a dollar

My father was a strong man but right then that dollar weighed a ton

Double or nothing?

You want to let it ride?

Let it ride

Malvo was a big hit in school

Now when you're on the yard it's all about attitude

If you don't think you're tough somebody might shank you

so you think you're tough?

Yeah, yeah I think I'm tough

And I'm ready for recess

Yeah bring it on!

Nice rag Bobby Joe

At least he didn't shank you

That was sweet

You gonna do it like that?

Huh?

I'll kill

Who can name the five characteristics of an ecosystem?

I see one hand

Class?

Anybody else?

Your mama's so fat she left a ring around the lake

And your mama's teeth are so yellow when she smiles cars slow down

And your mama's so black

that she uses Armor All instead of lotion

- You are talking about my mama? - No

No that's a good joke man

Chris, Malvo

I'm afraid I've got some bad news

What is it? Malvo

there was a background check done on you

and it was discovered

you were just released from prison

And although

I find this dance with danger

exciting and titillating

other people are scared out of their minds

and they want you out

What other people?

Let's just say the higher authorities

Let's just say the white people

Now how am I supposed to get into high school?

This is like if BET made an after school special

Now I was on my own trying to get Malvo through this process

but Malvo was making progress

What year was the Magna Carta signed?

1215

- You got another one right - Yeah

Hey I was just wondering how studying was coming along

- Good - Yeah Malvo's doing great

Okay just checking on you

Go back to studying

Okay um the Battle of Hastings?

1066

You sir are smarter than a ninth-grader

And you're only 32

And now another installment of Parenting for Dummies

Where's my daughter?

At R-Kelly's house

Now how would I know?

Well I called Latrinda from work She says Tonya's coming over

I get to the house nobody's there

so obviously Tonya dragged her off to God knows where

So you're telling me that Latrinda's gone off someplace

and you think Tonya has something to do with it?

Uh yeah

Tonya?

Yes Mama?

Do you have any idea where Latrinda is?

No

Don't lie to me

She's at Black Paul's house

- Black Paul? - Black Paul

Oh Lordy not Black Paul

She asked me to go with her and I said I couldn't come

Does this answer your question?

Yeah thank you

Oh um excuse me

Does um--

Does Tonya know where exactly Black Paul lives?

Next door to Brown Willy's house

You and I need to talk

come here I'll be back

And here's the pitch Strike three called!

And that's the ball game as the Mets win again against the Dodgers!

Yes I win again Ha

And that's two in a row--

Double or nothing

Double or nothing?

On two dollars?

That's right Double or nothing

Got yourself a bet

ANNOUNCER: Five runs batted in

You know she knows I don't like her hanging out with Paul

I mean that girl acts like she can do whatever she wanna do

Well maybe she's not acting

What?

You know I think you're setting a bad example for her

Maybe you need to grow up

What are you talking about?

I mean look at yourself Alyson

You running around here looking like Salt-N-Pepa

while your daughter's running the streets and we out looking for Mr Goodbar

Look you don't know me okay?

You don't know nothing about me

You know what? You right

Maybe I'm the one who's crazy

I need to be more like you you know?

Gritty

Living on the edge You know?

Crazy sexy cool

Funky, fresh

You know what? To hell with these nappy-headed kids girl

Let's go out and-- And spray paint a wall

Let's buy a knife and trade it for a gun

Matter of fact let's sell some blood girl What you A-positive or O?

You know what? Maybe we should get pregnant again

Let's have another-- Or maybe

you should just mind your own business

It was do or die for Malvo

Either he was gonna pass his test

or the world would have one less astronaut

The answers are all multiple choice

So make sure you fill in all circles completely

Keep your eyes on your own paper

If you cheat you leave

Well?

I scored in the 70 percentile

I passed

- Congratulations - Thanks Chris man

I couldn't have did it without you

When nobody else believed in me you did

You the wind beneath my wings

And he was the convict beneath my nightmares

Despite the awkwardness of this moment

I was really happy I helped Malvo

Things were looking good for Malvo but bad for my father

The Mets win again

completing the three-game sweep of the Dodgers

And the Dodger--

It's a sad day isn't it?

I mean it's got to be hard when you realize that your team is second best

I mean the team you loved your whole life since you were a little boy

Here's your $4

Don't talk to me

Hey

Um I--

I just came by to apologize

Really?

Yeah Latrinda went and got herself in more trouble

You know she said if it was okay for me to act this way then why wasn't it okay for her?

That's a good question

Well what did you tell her? I just told her-- I said

"I'm your mother and if you don't straighten up

"then I'm gonna knock the medulla out of your oblongata"

That's what I'm talking about

Good for you girl

Yeah So um-- Anyway I just--

I just wanted to say thank you for talking to me the way that you did It--

It really helped

Any time

And you know who knows? Maybe sometimes Latrinda

can come over again and play-- Take care girl

So you enjoying my $4?

Oh that's long gone

Boy what can you blow $4 on that fast?

Actually it was five but I figured you were worth it

For the number one fan of the number two team in baseball

Thanks

This tender moment should not be diminished

but later that day my father returned that hat

got his $5 back

and ended up a dollar up on the deal

Hey Malvo how's it going?

Pretty good pretty good

I made a decision and I wanted to tell you about it first

About high school?

Yeah I'm not going

What?

What are you talking about?

Getting into high school is harder than getting into jail

You got to obey all these rules

you got to fill out forms

you got to stand in line to get licenses for things

What was all this about then?

Why'd you put me through all this?

Well I thought my life would be better if I wasn't in trouble and it is better

but I'm bored Chris

I mean when we were studying and working on stuff together

it was exciting

But to tell you the truth Chris I'm okay at being right

but I'm an expert at being wrong

Malvo you can't do this to me man

I mean what about all my hard work?

Yeah I appreciate that

That's why I'm not robbing you anymore

Thanks

I'm robbing the store

Now give me all the money

¶ Everybody hates Chris ¶