Original subtitles

??????? 1986

Since I was the oldest kid in the house

whenever something went wrong with Drew and Tonya, I got blamed

What in the world is going on in here!

Drew and Tonya ran through and knocked all this stuff down

Well, you know better than to let your brother and sister run through the house

Now, pick it up

Whether it was something I couldn't do anything about

How could you let your sister get the flu?

How am I supposed to stop the flu?

Or whether it was something I didn't know anything about

Why did you let Drew get hit in the eye with a baseball?

'Cause I wasn't at the game

Either way, I was responsible

Well, no excuse You're his older brother so you're responsible for him

You're also responsible for giving me another $322 worth of ground beef

Don't think he's not using it again

Every now and again I could stop a problem before it happened

Drew?

Drew

What are you doing here? You walk to school

I'm not going to school today

What do you mean?

I saw Wayne Gretzky on Donahue yesterday

He's in town because the Edmonton Oilers played the Islanders last night

So what?

So I'm gonna meet him and get his autograph

Are you crazy? No

You can't go off by yourself Yes, I can

Know where you're going? No

Got money? ? No ?

What about school What about it

Did you even think about Ma? No

She's gonna kill you when she finds out

If somebody else don't kill you first

I don't care

Drew, you can't do this

See ya later

I was in a no-win situation

The only thing worse than going with Drew was letting him go by himself

Either way, if something happened, I was responsible

Hold on, man I'm coming with you

Can't blame me if we both die

Riding on that bus, I had two goals:

to get that autograph and get back home

So what's the plan?

I don't have a plan

Do you even know where Gretzky is?

The Long Island Wilmont Hotel

And you think you can walk right up to the room and get an autograph?

I haven't thought that far ahead

You haven't thought this far ahead

All right? We should just turn around right now

We'll be late for school, but hopefully we won't get in too much trouble

Well, go on

That's the "whites only" exit

Forget it

You look tired

I'm beat I'm going to get some sleep

Sleep? Well, what about Tonya?

Hey, Dad

What are you doing here?

Why aren't you in school?

'Cause no one's there They're all in Philadelphia

You remember the field trip to Philadelphia

that cost a hundred dollars and you didn't want to pay for it?

Yeah Instead you gave me Philadelphia cream cheese

Right Well, what are you gonna do all day?

I mean, I gotta get some sleep

Not today

I've got to go to work, so you have got to entertain her

My dad had saved a hundred bucks,

but he was gonna pay for that trip one way or another

This is taking forever

How long is this ride?

How am I supposed to know?

Didn't you check before you got on the bus?

Hey, man, calm down

No, I'm not gonna "calm down"

I don't think you understand how much trouble we're gonna be in

I'm not even talking about Ma anymore

You know what's gonna happen when they realize we're not in school?

What's the big deal?

You always say that they never pay attention to you in school anyway

Drew had a point

Besides Greg, there was only one person who would care if I wasn't in school

Morning, shoeshine

I'm not black

Why'd you do that?

I don't know where Chris is

Well, what about you? Aren't they gonna miss you?

Probably not

Wrong

Donna Here

Drew?

Drew?

Oh, my God

Drew is missing!

Drew is missing!

Back home, my father tried to shut his eyes while Tonya shut her ears

Tonya

Can't you hear that phone?

It isn't for me Everyone I know is in Philadelphia

Tonya: 1 Sleep: 0

Hello?

MAN ( on phone ): Can I speak to Drew's mother?

This is Julius, his father

Drew never showed up for school today

What do you mean? He wasn't in school today, sir

Are you sure? I'm positive

He wasn't in Homeroom

Thank you You're welcome

What's wrong?

That was Drew's school

He didn't show up today

Maybe he went to Philadelphia

I better call your mother

Where the hell could he be?

We're here Yippie

This doesn't look like Long Island

It's not

This is Coney Island

If this was Survivor, I would vote Drew off the island

CHRIS: I can't believe you got on the wrong bus

You got on it too

I was just following you, stupid

Don't you know the difference between Coney Island and Long Island?

Yeah, Long Island is the shape of your head

Shut up Hey, shut up

Don't tell me what to do

Hey, break it up Break it up What's wrong with you two guys?

He got us lost

Nobody asked your stupid butt to come anyway

Where are you heading to?

The Long Island Wilmont Hotel

I wanna meet Wayne Gretzky and get his autograph

You mean "The Great One"? Number 99?

Yeah, you're a hockey fan?

Oh, I love it

We must be the only three black hockey fans in New York

Uh, I'm not a hockey fan

Well, I guess it's just us then

And the few guys playing in the NHL

What?

Wait, there are black hockey players?

Oh, yeah

Willie O'Ree was the first

Played with the Boston Bruins

And now they've got Grant Fuhr He plays with Gretzky

He's a goalie

Which technically makes him a target

Do you know how to get to Long Island from here?

No, but I'll ask this gentleman here

Excuse me, sir? Mm-hm

Would you happen to know the directions to Long Island?

Yeah

You're gonna take that bus over there to the Seven Line

Seven Line

And then you're gonna take that to Flushing

Flushing, stupid

and you're gonna take the Long Island Railroad to Westbury

BOTH: Westbury

Thank you, sir You're welcome

By the way, I'm Drew and this is my brother, Chris

Hi, I'm Willie O'Ree Pleasure

Nice to meet you

When Willie scored three goals

they didn't call it the hat trick, they call it the black trick

While we were looking for Gretzky,

back at home, they were looking for us

Yeah, I'll hold

Where you been?

Upstairs in Chris and Drew's room looking for clues

Great idea What'd you find?

Well, I found firecrackers,

smoke balls,

Chris' old test, looks like he got an F

Maybe we should do something about that,

Mommy's Turtles, feels like they ate half of the box,

and Playpen magazine

You know they have naked women in here, right?

MAN: Are you still there? Yes, yes, I'm still here

Sir, it appears Chris hasn't shown up yet

He's not there? No, sir

We'll call you if he does Thank you

I got here as soon as I could Any word from Drew?

No, but I just got off the phone with Chris' school

And what they say?

He didn't show up for school either

Ooh, they're gonna get it

When do I not get it?

Well, let's go

Where are you going?

We're going to look for Chris and Drew

We just can't sit around here all day

You're looking at Playpen magazine

when our sons are missing?

It was in the--

It was open It just fell open

I--

Let's go!

Come on!

Okay Right

ROCHELLE: Put it back!

We were headed to the right place at the wrong time

Whoa, whoa, whoa

Where do you think you guys are going?

Going to Long Island to get Wayne Gretzky's autograph

You're a Gretzky fan?

He's not a Gretzky fan

You can't be a Gretzky fan

That's what I said

I'm a Gretzky fan

BOY 1: He's the Gretzky fan

You see me and you?

We don't like the same things

No, we don't

Why don't you guys go someplace?

Where you wanna go?

Where should we go?

The Jersey Shore would be nice

But this train don't go there

Don't you guys got enough sports?

Hm?

Basketball, football

Baseball, boxing, track and field

You gotta take hockey too, huh?

Whoa

Hold on, now We ain't trying to take hockey

But we could All right?

So why don't you just leave us alone?

Translation: please pick on us some more

Is that a hockey jersey you got?

That is a hockey jersey That is a hockey jersey

You don't have a hockey jersey

No, I don't No

Yeah Why?

Give it to me

Give it to him

Make me What?

CHRIS: Whoa

All right, hold on

Excuse me

Drew, give him the jersey

I'm not giving them anything

Dad gave this to me

Do you have any idea where we are?

Yeah, somewhere on Long Island?

Yeah, exactly

We're not just surrounded by two white people

We're surrounded by a whole borough of white people

So this is us

And this is them

So give him the jersey

Wait a minute

His jersey says "Gritzky"

It's got the wrong number too

Keep the jersey Kid, look, if you're gonna like somebody,

at least get it right

Get it right Get it right

Next stop: Brockman Station

Man, that was close

I never thought I'd say this, but thank God for Risky

Chris and Drew are missing?

No, I haven't seen them, but I think I can help you

For just 17 cents a day,

you can adopt one of these African children,

and the best part is they don't live with you

Ooh, can we take Ubingi?

He's so cute

Not for 17 cents a day

COP ( on radio ): Had a frivolous suit with her neighbor

Missing, huh?

It sounds to me like they're caught behind enemy lines

Don't worry

This is nothing a recon mission can't fix

Right Take that Here you go

All right, let's go Come on Let's go

Hey, wait, wait

Hey, hey, boys!

I think I see 'em after all

There we go

Let's leave the nice man alone

Thank you

We could use him in Iraq

COP ( on radio ): Separated the neighbors at 29211

Chris and Drew are missing?

Let me see what I can do

One Adam-12, one Adam-12,

be on the lookout for Chris and Drew

Be on the lookout for Chris and Drew

Shouldn't be much longer

Yeah, until they come and take you away

Oh, man, I can't believe we're here

I can't believe I'm actually gonna meet Wayne Gretzky

How do I look?

You look like we need to get this autograph and get out of here

Hi, um, we're looking for a guest of yours

Name?

Wayne Gretzky

Wayne Gretzky, the hockey player?

Yeah He's not staying here

Are you sure this is the right hotel?

Positive At the end of Donahue,

the announcer said guests of the Donahue Show

stay at the Long Island Wilmont Hotel

Not all guests If your leg was bitten off by a shark,

you have a terminal disease,

or you're so fat, you need a crane to be lifted out of your house, then you stay here

Athletes and celebrities stay somewhere else

So he's not here?

Sorry Try one of the other hotels on Long Island

How many other hotels are there?

I don't know About a thousand

A thousand?

Cheer up Only 999 more to go

We were trying to get an autograph, but were getting more than we signed up for

Chris, I'm sorry, man

I-I don't know what I was thinking

Like Wayne Gretzky would be hanging out in some hotel lobby

Let's go home, man

Wait, wait, wait

We can't just give up

When Mom is beating the living daylights out of me,

I don't want to feel like a fool 'cause it was for nothing

We just got to use our heads

What do you know about Gretzky?

Well, I know he's a season all-time assist leader,

his mom loves soup, and he has a sandwich named after him called "The Great One"

What's in it?

Mm, Canadian bacon,

maple syrup, oh, and a pickle

Oh, and it comes in a bun shaped like a hockey stick

Sounds awful

I never had one

It was invented by this chef named Jean Lafleur

Man, you know way too much stuff about this guy, Drew

Hey, you know, he works in a hotel here on Long Island

Who, Gretzky? No, stupid Jean Lafleur

Huh

CHRIS: Here it is

"Long Island Hotel, Home of 'The Great One'"

This has got to be where he's staying

I hate to admit it, but that looks pretty good

When we get there,

I'm going to have to buy you one of those sandwiches

Might as well buy me a heart attack with a side of diabetes

Chris! Drew!

I just don't understand this We checked the neighborhoods Nobody's seen 'em

We checked the schools Nobody has seen 'em

I'm calling the police

Oh, Rochelle, Rochelle?

Are you really going to call the police?

Yes

The New York City Police?

Yes

My father knew that if you called the cops from Bed-Stuy, this is what happens

Precinct

Hello I-I would like to report two missing children

Okay Are they black or white?

Black

You have the wrong number

Let's give it a couple hours I'm sure they'll show up

As soon as we got to the Long Island Hotel, something told me we had the right place

Are all these people here to see Gretzky?

CHRIS: If we go over there, we won't have a chance of meeting him

So what do we do?

I look more like Wayne Gretzky than that dude

Come on I know what to do

Hey, what are they doing over there?

Uh, they're waiting for Wayne Gretzky

Who? He's a hockey player

Anyway, I got a pizza delivery for Mr Smith in Room 412

Just go

Man, that was brilliant

You can get anywhere with a pizza box

That's how Bush got in the White House

So now what do we do? I mean, there's 32 floors in this hotel

Well, I figure Gretzky's in one of the nicer rooms, which is probably on the top floor

Just call me Sherlock Homeboy

Hey

Told you

All right, let's go

Excuse me I have a delivery for Mr Wayne Gretzky

He didn't order a pizza

Do I look like I was born yesterday?

But it is his room?

Get lost, kids

Sir, I don't think you understand

My brother is a really big hockey fan, and we skipped school just to see Mr Gretzky

Look, I can't help you,

Yeah, you could

so please leave Now

Come on, Chris

"Gritzky"?

Yeah My dad bought it for me

Hockey's not too popular where we're from

Where is that?

Here in New York Bed-Stuy

Hey, I'm from Bed-Stuy

Let me guess

Did your dad get that jersey from Risky?

You know Risky?

Yeah, he sold me a Darryl Raspberry jersey

I had Dr K

I haven't see him in years

So you think my brother can get an autograph from Mr Gretzky?

Hey, sorry, kids

He's not even here He has some business to take care of in the city

Well, when do you think he'll be back?

I don't know A couple hours, I guess

A couple hours?

That's not too bad

Thanks

By 5:00 my parents had run out of places to look for us,

but there was only one thing left to do

COP ( on phone ): Precinct

Yes, hello! I'd like to report two missing boys

Can you describe them, please?

They're white ( knocking )

Just a minute, ma'am Okay, hold-- Hold on

Ma'am, you reported two missing white boys?

Damn!

We waited for Gretzky like he was giving out cheese

You guys are still here?

Yeah We're waiting for Gretzky

You said he'd be back in a few hours

Look, he's not coming back, okay?

He had a change of plans and went right to the airport

I'm just checking out

That's it I give up

Drew, I'm sorry, but let's just go home, man

Hey, wait

At least his name is spelled right

Oh, man Thanks

Gretzky wore that last night

You mean, he actually wore this? Mm-hm

Man, I'm never washing it

Here you go

Did Gretzky play with this puck last night?

No, it's just a puck

So how are you guys getting home?

Taking the train

You guys ever been in a limo before?

What do you think?

Even though I was about to get in more trouble than I could imagine, I was glad I was with Drew

In a strange way, I actually had a good time

( both laughing ) Okay, listen up, you guys We're going to break this search party up into groups of four

You I want you to search Varick Street

Your group, I want you to go to Decatur Street

Your group, I want you to go to the bus stops

And you? I want you to search the alleys, okay?

We're looking for two, teenaged, dark skin, white boys

This is going to be bad

Oh, yeah

The worst part is, you didn't even get a chance to meet Gretzky

Or "Gritzky" for that matter

It's okay It was still one of the best days of my life

Why, 'cause you got the jersey?

No

Thanks for taking care of me, Chris

I'm glad you were there

Me too

The best part of hanging out with Drew that day

was for the first time I didn't see him as my little brother I was responsible for

I saw him as something more:

a friend

Ready?

Ready

Chris? Drew?

No, it's Puffy and Mase

Bye, y'all

¶ Everybody hates Chris ¶