All language subtitles for Seguimos_Fumando_1983_sub-english

(Telephone ringing)

(Answer phone)

'Hello. This is Cheech.
I'm not here right now.

'I'm here, but I'm not here.
I'm on my way to Amsterdam.

'We got invited to a Burt Reynolds
and Dolly Parton film festival.

'So, I'm going to be in Amsterdam
for a little while,

'so if you need me, when you hear
the beep just leave a message.

'And PS, if this is Donna...

(Blows a kiss)

'You can put that wherever
you need it, baby. Check you later.'

(Beep)

(Chong) 'Hey, where are you?
I'm at the airport.

'The plane's getting ready
to leave without us. Come on! '

(Hangs up the phone)

(Woman) It's him!
(Man) Here they come.

This is the first airport
I haven't been searched in.

You don't smuggle stuff into Amsterdam!

- Hello!
- Hello, hi!

Thank you very much.

(Crowd cheers)

(Dutch accent) Hello, Mr Burt Reynolds.

On behalf of the Amsterdam
International Film Festival,

we heartily welcome you in Amsterdam,
Mr Burt Reynolds.

I hope you will have a very happy,
and lucky time.

Do you know if Miss Dolly Parton
was on the plane?

Was Dolly Parton on the plane?

I didn't see Dolly Parton.
Was she on the plane?

I have seen your movies.
You are much taller than in real life.

May I say... may I say
Burt to you, Mr Reynolds?

What?

Maybe I say Mr Burt or Mr Reynolds.
Maybe Burt. Something like that.

- May I say Burt to you, Mr Reynolds?
- I'm not Burt Reynolds.

- You are not Burt Reynolds.
- No, I'm Cheech, man.

This is Chong.
We're Cheech and Chong.

Turn around and show him.
Cheech and Chong. See right there.

- You are here and...
- Listen, man, where's that car?

There is a car outside waiting
for Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds.

But you can have the van if you want.

Go outside and there is a van there.

Please, no more autographs,
no more pictures.

Thank you, thank you.
It's lovely to be here.

Take me to a dyke.
Thank you.

There you go.

I've got writer's cramp.
Thanks anyway.

Hey, man, I think I'm going
to have to finally do it.

- Do what?
- Put scars all over my face.

I'm too handsome.
This guy thinks I'm Burt Reynolds.

I've got to give the other actors a chance.

I don't think you have to go
to all that trouble.

Just grow another big zit
like the one you got right there.

Where? I've got one on my nose?

Yeah, a big yellow one.

- Is it big?
- Yeah.

Looks like another nose, man.

If you really want to look ugly, leave
a bogey hanging off your moustache.

- Is it off?
- And if you really want to look uglier...

Man, shut up!

Oh, you are sitting here... because...

...these places were supposed to be
for Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds.

Dolly Parton's supposed to be
sitting here?

Let me clear a place for her to sit down.

I asked the people to put you in the van...

They just told us to sit here.

They didn't understand well.

You're sure that Burt Reynolds
was not on the plane?

He wasn't with us.
We flew first class.

Maybe he was sitting back
with the peasants.

- You flew first class?
- Yeah, thanks for the ticket.

There's a little problem.
You didn't get the telegram?

What telegram?
You said come over here and party.

You was on the list but there are
a little bit financial problems.

You know Mr Patrick?

He's the dude that phoned us up
and sent us the tickets.

He's a good dude.
Met him at a party.

He's a heavy fan of ours.

He told us,
"Come to Amsterdam and let's party."

We've been studying up on partying.

- We got it down pretty good.
- We're ready.

To be honest, I asked him
to send you a telegram to cancel this trip.

We have a little bit of financial problems.

Mr Patrick, he left with all my money
and also my car.

So certainly he will come
back one of these days.

Oh, yeah. He'll come back.

We'll help you out.
We'll do a show for you.

We haven't worked in four years.

That's OK.
I remember all the skits.

- Where's the windmills?
- Maybe you can see one on your left.

Where's the chocolate?

You haven't been before in Holland?

What are you doing in America?
Radio shows or something like that?

You ever heard of Cheech and Chong?

Where you been?
Under a rock?

We make movies.

I have a wonderful movie theatre
in Amsterdam.

We are having a press conference.

I want to introduce Dolly Parton
and Burt Reynolds

to people from Holland
and from the newspapers.

Where's the party gonna be?
Is that where the party is?

Patrick said Sylvia Kristel's
gonna be at the party.

- Maybe she is.
- You're a Hollander.

I'm a Hollander, yeah.

There are parties, but I had to cancel
some because of financial problems.

Maybe we can have one party.

- Where can we score some hash?
- What do you mean?

- I've got the address of that dope cafe.
- Great.

We have lots of cafes in Amsterdam.

With jetlag you got to smoke lots of dope
and it comes out even.

(Band start playing)

...Burt Reynolds.

Mr Burt, welcome in Holland.

Mr Dolly, Mr Burt, please follow me.

This is our very best,
the Saskia van Uylenburgh suite.

Rembrandt's former wife.
The best we have.

He we are in our very best.

Amsterdam at your feet.
Venice of the north.

Sorry.

The Rye building for the big fairs.

Rijksmuseum.

Vincent Van Gogh museum.

Museum of the history of Amsterdam.

There are a lot of nice sights around here.

Many, Mr Burt, many.

- The Royal Palace.
- Oh, Yeah.

The Stedelijk museum.

Xaviera Hollander's house.

Mr Burt, I'm so fond of having you here.

I'm your biggest fan, Mr Burt.
You can believe it.

Mr Burt, I am your biggest fan.
I've seen all your pictures.

Except the last one.
I haven't seen the last one.

Neither have I!

Excuse me, Mr Burt,
you got any Dutch money?

No, no, no. No, Mr Dolly,
you don't have to pay.

It's free, man.

Yes... Uh, no.

I'm sorry. It's not free.
You have to sign for it.

- Mr Jan... Jan...
- Godefry.

Mr Jan Godefry
arranged everything for you.

You just order and sign.

Just sign.

How is Raquel Welch in reality,
flesh to flesh?

- She's gonna last forever.
- Really?

When there's anything you need...

- I mean any thing.
- Anything?

Anything!
We have some ivory statues.

Oriental statues...

(Woman speaks in Dutch)

...from gorgeous delight
in the basement.

Those tiny fingers will work you up,
slowly, slowly,

to an excitement you've never had before.

- You just sign?
- Just sign.

I'm so sorry, I have to take him.

1,001 delights.

Anything you wish.

Mr Burt, Mr Dolly.

Enjoy your stay in Amsterdam...
in Holland.

Sign. Anything.

Amsterdamski, man!

(Chuckles) All right.

Your luggage.

Hey, man, just sign for it.

- Sign?
- Sign for it.

And for you.

- Could you get me one for the doorman?
- Of course.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

We made it, man.

I wonder where the toiletski is.

See the size of this bathtub.
We could have a couple of friends in.

Still got that little outboard motor?

Wow, look at this. What is this?

Hey, man, help!

What are you doing?

Hello, room service?
This is Mr Burt in the Suzi Q suite.

Mr Burt...

You know, Burt and Dolly.

Yeah, that Raquel Welch.
She's something.

No, they're real.

You know that caviar
you sent up today? It smells fishy.

Yeah and it had all turned black.
Someone must have left it out all night.

Can you send up that other caviar?
Send up some of that Belgian.

I don't know. A pound?
No, make it five pounds.

Whatever you got. Send it right up.
We're really hungry.

OK, donkey smell.

All right, the game.
That's the new series.

I'm beginning to feel bored.
Let's go see the town.

Amsterdam.
Look at these buds.

Look at this.

They're real!

- Hello. Would you like to eat something?
- Yes, please.

- The special today is Indika.
- Oh, great.

- Would you like some weed tea?
- I'd love some.

Oh, wow, look what they got, man.

- Fresh buds in season with melon.
- Look here, filet au cola.

Here's my favourite, seed soup.
I wonder if they got pepper with that.

I'll start with the tossed Californian
bud salad, then a shake-shake.

What's "Fungus Mungus"?
Never mind. Bring it to me, anyway.

For my main course, a Bogart special
with everything, including the mould.

Then I'll try the Temple Surprise, too.

Pig out, man.

I'll have the cream of hash
and barley soup.

And the fresh buds.

Are they in season?
Yeah, OK. And...

For desert, I'll have the space yoghurt
with chopped cola nuts.

Thank you very much.
Put the rush on it.

# I get delirious

# Whenever you're near

# Lose all self-control, baby,
just can't steer

# Wheels get locked in place
A stupid look on my face

# It comes from making a pass,
pretty mama

# I just can't win a race

# 'Cause I get delirious

# Delirious

# Delirious

# I get delirious

# When you hold my hand

# Body gets so weak I can hardly stand

# The temperature is running hot

# Baby, you got to stop

# If you don't, I'm gonna explode
and girl I've got a lot

# I get delirious

# Ah, delirious, yeah

# Oh, I...

# I'm delirious

# Yeah, delirious #

(Heavy groaning)

Do you feel anything?

I'm still hungry, man.
Want to order another one?

I will try to explain why the people
on the list are not coming.

You sit there,
and you can sit...

(Speaks in Dutch)

- Do you have any Aspirin?
- I've got half a lude.

My concentration is slipping.

Try to be as nice as possible.

I have to leave
because I have to make phone calls

for the plane of Miss Parton
and Mr Burton. I'll be right back.

Mr Cheek and Mr Wrong.

I don't understand something.
I've been waiting half an hour.

We overslept. We under slept!

- Who are you?
- Cheech and Chong.

Cheech like peach.
Chong like dong.

(Journalist) Which films
are we going to get in the festival?

Why don't you take this for a while?
I'm gonna take a nap.

Do you know when Reynolds
and Parton are coming?

Uh, yeah...

Dolly Parton's coming and Burt Reynolds
and Paul Newman.

Jimi Hendrix is coming and ET,
he's a personal friend of mine.

- Who are you?
- Cheech and Chong.

We're really big in the States.

(Fanfare plays)

(Applause)

(Speaks in Dutch)

I'm really proud to introduce
the most famous world actors,

Mr Cheech and Mr Chong.

You may begin your questions now.

Thank you for coming to the Netherlands.
We are awfully thrilled.

We can see you now in the flesh.
We can say hello to you in person.

My question is why did you organise
your first film festival in Amsterdam?

Because.

Mr Cheech and Mr Chong, we are very
pleased to have you here and I love you.

I mean, I love all your films.

I've seen them all except the latest one.
There was a line outside about three miles.

- So I couldn't get a ticket.
- The Cheech shall arrange tickets for you.

- Mr Cheech.
- Yes?

We know you made that scar
to give all the actors a chance.

But you are even more handsome
with the scar on you face. It's great.

What can I do? I try.

We love you!

I owe it all to my director.

(Voice echoes) I owe it all to my director...

Wake up, it's over.
Let's get some breakfast. I'm hungry.

Why are you telling those things?
I asked you to be nice.

There were a lot of important
newspaper men from Holland.

And why did you tell
about Paul Newman?

Who invited ET?

- Who invited ET?
- Do you think they still have caviar?

- Here you are.
- I know exactly what I want.

I want a big plate of "huevos rancheros"
with rice and beans, and hot dog tortillas.

- And a little shot of tequila.
- I don't understand.

- I'll have coffee and toast.
- Make that two.

- I'd like a "muchacha burrito".
- Do you want mussels?

- No, just coffee and toast.
- Are you sure? That's all?

Thanks a lot.

- Let's get thinking about our show.
- We should seriously think about it.

Let's do a skit about parties.
Something we know.

We promised that dude a show.
We should start thinking about something.

- What do you wanna do?
- Something about movies, television.

I was working on a skit.
I forgot to tell you.

We do a take off on ET
except it's like a Chicano version.

It's called,
"Eddie Torres, the extra testicle".

It's about this horny guy
from east Outer Space.

He lands on earth in a flying saucer.

He pulls up on this chick and she hides
him in the closet, cos her parents are out.

And he chases her all around the house.

- How are we gonna do that on stage?
- I got a costume.

I had a guy make it up down the street.

ET.
Eddie Torres, the extra testicle.

Cool, huh?

Check this out for special effects.
Lets go all the way. Big budget.

When the chick comes around,
he chases her all over the house.

(Burbling like an alien)

I guess she doesn't speak Spanish.

Get out of here. I've got something going.
Leave me alone.

Get out of here, man.
I ain't bullshitting with you...

- Is something wrong?
- The door's locked.

I'll help you.

(Speaks in Dutch)

I ain't bullshitting.
Get the fuck out of here.

(Rattling)

Hey, open the door.

I'm stuck. Open the door.

Open the door!

Get me the fuck out of here, will you?
Asshole!

(Wails)

(Tarzan-yell)

I'm OK. Don't send a ransom.
I'm all right.

No more, no more...

No more!

(lce sizzles)

- Let's go eat.
- Let's eat at the club.

- Where's the club?
- This way.

- Where, this way?
- Follow me.

(Cover band is singing Tina Turner)

Oh, hey. Donkey smell.

This is great Dutch entertainment -
a Czech band and American singers(!)

- Yes? What would you like to drink?
- Champagne.

Champagne. Bring it here
and put it on the table.

- This looks like the place we started in.
- Yeah, looks a lot like it.

Do you want a cigar? It's a Cuban.
You can only get them here.

I'd like to do our act here.

I'd like to do an act with that cigar girl.
An unnatural act.

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentleman. Merci beaucoup.

We are "Top Flight",
a unique American singing group.

If you want to see more, hang around.
We will be back with more entertainment.

The Piccadilly Night Club proudly presents,
from America, Red Dick.

(Echoes) Red Dick...

Thank you very much.
Thanks for the clap.

Thanks for the introduction except
my name's Red Nick not Red Dick.

That guy must have been peeking
in the dressing room.

Thank you very much.

I'm used to singing in the streets.
This is the first time I've been up on stage.

Goddamn.

I'm so nervous you couldn't get a pin
up my ass with a jackhammer.

Thank y'all.

Oh, here's a joke for you.

Do you know why cowboys
have shit in their moustaches?

# Looking for love
in all the wrong places #

Oh, thank you very much. Thank y'all.

All right.
I'd like to sing you a song now.

It's called "First Time I Seen Her".

It's an original song.
I wrote it myself.

Thank you very much.

# Well, first time I seen her sittin' on the hill

# Wavin' her tits at Buffalo Bill

# Gonna tie my pecker to a tree, to a tree,
gonna tie my pecker to a tree

# Second time I seen her,
sittin' on a log

# Tryin' to get it on with an old bull frog

# Gonna tie my pecker to a tree, to a tree,
gonna tie my pecker to a tree #

Thank you very much.

(Audience applauds)

It gives me great pleasure to introduce
an old buddy. He's a blues singer.

He's been singing with me
down in Dam Square.

We've been making
a lot of money together.

He's the world's oldest blues singer.
He's so old he farts dust.

He's the father of the blues.
So let's have a warm how do you do for

Blind Melon Chitlins.
Come on.

Blind Melon Chitlins.

Blind Melon Chitlins,
the blindest singer in the world.

Sit right down there.

There you go.
Just sit downski.

Blind Melon Chitlins.

OK. There you go.

He can't see cos he's blind,
but he ain't deaf so let's have a big hand.

(Blows through lips)

(Deep husky voice)
Ladies and gentlemen...

Ladies and gentlemen...

Ladies and gentlemen...

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Right now...

My name is Blind Melon Chitlins.

I'm a legend.
I'm 156 years old.

That's right. I'm 156 years old.
And I can still get it up.

I just can't get it in.

I want to get down with you all right now
and sing a little tune I wrote one day.

It's called,
"Going downtown, gonna see my girl".

It goes something like this.

One, two...

# Going downtown, gonna see my girl #

You all can dance if you want to.

# Going downtown, gonna see my girl

# Puttin' one leg over my shoulder

# Two legs over my shoulder
Then... #

(Mumbles his words)

Yeah, I want to dance a little bit now.

All right.

# One leg over my should... #

Blind Melon Chitlins.

(Crash)

It's a good thing these places
are open 24 hours.

Everything in this town's open 24 hours.

I waited for that bar to close
and it never closed.

I love Amsterdam.

I can't take much more of this partying.
I'm wasted.

I hope they got a masseuse here,
I need my back worked on. My front too.

(Hissing steam)

(Door creaks open)

- Cheech?
- Argh!

- I can't see shit without my glasses.
- Come and sit next to me.

I thought of another skit.
Queer Worlds.

- Remember queer worlds?
- Yes.

- Fags in outer space?
- That'll be good.

These two faggots get ready
to go to a party, remember?

Queer Worlds.

- What shall I wear to the party tonight?
- Wear something exciting.

I know.
I'm going to go Peter Allen.

- I don't think so.
- Me neither. I'm sick of Carmen Miranda.

Tonight...

I go butch.

- Too Jackson Five.
- Yes, you're right.

But...

How about Liza?

(Vibrating buzz)

# Start spreading the ludes

# I'm crashing today #

I don't think so.

Yes, you're right.

I'm so bored with everything.
We have to buy some new clothes.

- That's my cape, take it off.
- I'm just trying it on.

- Take it off.
- I'm gonna wear it tonight.

You always get stains on my clothes.

- I wanna wear it.
- I'm gonna wear it. That is my cape.

- I know it's your cape.
- Then take it off.

Have a shit fit, why don't you!

If I don't wear the cape, I'm not going.

- Then don't go.
- I won't go.

- There's plenty to wear.
- I said I'm not going.

- We have to go. We're imperial guards.
- I don't have to go anywhere.

- All right, I'll go by myself.
- You'd like that, wouldn't you.

I wonder who's going to be there.

You know damn well. Hans Solo.

Hands so low you can hardly see
what they're doing.

I'm going to stay home
and pig out on chocolate.

(Sobbing)

Cheer up.

Are you getting your period again?
That's a joke.

- I'm just getting so old.
- No you aren't.

- You can see all my wrinkles.
- Let's stay home and watch cartoons.

I'll make some popcorn.

(Chong) 'That's not cartoons.'
(Cheech) 'Let's watch it and see what it is.'

(Mexican accent)
Welcome to "Con Talk".

I'm your host, Sleepy Gonzales.

We're gonna rap it down to you today
to all you little locos out there,

on how to stay out of the slam...
and shit like that.

I did time in
Folsom, Soledad and Chino, you know?

And this is my guest here, man.
This dude's famous, you know?

His name is Joe the Hole Cole.
He did 40 years in Q in Quentin.

And 20 years in the hole.

Welcome to the show. Here's a cookie.
You don't owe me nothing.

- And I don't owe you nothing.
- Thanks, Speedy.

It's Sleepy, man.

Yeah. So... like... the topic for today
is gun control.

All right? OK.

I'm against... no I'm for.
I'm FOR gun control.

Guns can fuck you up.

Knives can fuck you up too.

Check it out.
I got stabbed 13 times in this arm.

In this arm I got...
I can't roll up that sleeve.

But I'm still living.
And check this out.

I got shot in the side of the head.
The bullet's still in there, you know?

And that's why I talk slow.

It has nothing to do with dope.

So now,
Joe's gonna rap it down to you.

OK, man.

First of all, Speedy,

I wanna say you're full of shit.

You were full of shit in the joint
and you're even more full of shit now.

- Guys like me need guns.
- You need guns, man.

That's how I make my living.
I rob banks.

Can you see me walking into a bank
with a knife saying, "Stick 'em up!"

Yeah, that would be a trip.

Besides, guns don't kill people...

- cops kill people.
- Right on, I hear you there.

The thing is, you got to be an idiot
not to know how to handle a gun.

The first thing you do,
you make sure the weapon is not...

(Gunshot)

Ah, wow, man.

Here...

There...
Let it go, man.

That's all the time we got today
on Con Talk.

Join us next week when the topic
will be how to score dope in prison,

or how not to... go to prison.

Hey, man, have some coffee.

(Coughs)

You all right?

(Metallic ching)

Oh, wow, man!
Hey, you're lucky it came out.

Mine's still in there, man.

Hey, far out.

See you next week.

You know what we haven't done yet?
A skit on dope.

What we need to do
is a take off on a telethon.

You know like Jerry Lewis does.
Raise money for kids.

I know, we call it Dope-a-thon.

We have guest hosts.

We raise money for dopers
who lost their crops.

- You like that.
- I love it. Ooh, my God.

I like it...
Dope-a-thon.

(Disco music)

Heyyy!

Welcome to Dope-a-thon '82.
I'm your host twisting the night away.

We're here for 36 hours to raise money
for dope victims all over the world.

Now, to introduce
what this Dope-a-thon '82 is all about

let's have a big hand for
President Ashley Roach Clip!

(Whoops wildly)

Welcome, Ashley.

Can you explain to the folks out there,
what this dope-a-thon is all about?

We're here because the government's
been burning our crops.

They're causing a dope famine
all over the world.

- Here's one of the victims of the burning.
- Isn't it cute?

It's a pretty sick sight.

We want to raise money to buy
some tanks and anti-aircraft guns.

Good idea.

We got to stop this
before it gets out of hand.

There's a lot of people who depend on us
for their supply of drugs.

This world would probably fall apart
if it wasn't for farmers like us

that take time to grow this shit. You know?

That's right. That's why we need
your money so send it.

- Where are you from?
- Ann Arbor, Michigan.

I was there in the '60s
when the universe meant something.

Hi guys out there in Ann Arbour
Now we're going to show you a little film.

The studio sent it over. It's the first trailer
for their brand new season.

It's "The Harder They Don't Come".
Roll the film.

(Jamaican accent)
# Dope! Dope!

# Concert come you got to have dope #

Hashis, brother. Come on, hashish.

Lebanese, home-grown Nigerian...

Moroccan.

Dope! Hey sister,
Lebanese, Moroccan hashish. Nigerian.

Home-grown. Come-on sister.
I give you some special price.

Dope!

(Sings to tune of the "Banana Boat Song")
# Dope

# Concert come, nobody buys dope

# Dope, he said dope, he said dope,
he said dope

# Concert come nobody buy dope

# Got Moroccan, Lebanese, Afghani too #

Hey, brother. You want to buy some
smoke from me? Special price.

Moroccan, Lebanese, Afghani
Nigerian. Home-grown.

I wandered in here by mistake.
I was just looking for a drink.

I sure wandered in the wrong place.

You don't want a drink.
You want happy smoke.

You call that music?
Sounds like jungle warfare.

- That's good reggae.
- Sounds like a bunch of jungle music.

- Where you from?
- Canada.

Sergeant Preston.

# Oh, cannabis
Oh, cannabis #

Well, I make you special Canada price.

You buy from me Nigerian, Moroccan,
Lebanese home-grown.

- I'm not interested in souvenirs.
- I'm not selling souvenirs.

Good happy smoke for good happy music.

Not interested.

How you going to enjoy good music
without good marijuana?

What?

How you going to enjoy good music
without good marijuana?

Let me get this straight.
You're standing here selling marijuana?

Now you got it, brother. Yeah!

- All right, put 'em up.
- You don't have to rip me off.

- Police.
- You with the police?

I love you, brother.
I have all your albums.

# Don't stand so close to me,
don't stand so close #

Goddamn mop head. Narcotics.

Now get over here. Take off that...
What the hell?

Hey, I'm American.
I'm from Detroit.

Get over here.
Shut up.

I'm over here in the army.
These motherfuckers don't pay shit.

My old lady made me do this.
She put a gun up to my head.

Have you ever tried arguing
with a Dutch bitch?

First, you got to look up to them.

She's been cycling all day.
You know she can kick ass.

All I'm doing is selling harmless smoke.

Harmless smoke?
Yeah, looks like harmless smoke.

I'm a diabetic. That's just saccharin.
You can throw it away.

OK, you got all my dope,
give me a break.

You want a break?

Go ahead, make a run for it.
I'll give you three. One, two...

(Gun clicks)

It doesn't usually misfire like that.

It probably hit an empty chamber.
Let's try that again.

- Oh, please man.
- What's the matter, punk?

- Take that gun away from my head.
- Shut up.

I just got a penicillin shot, man.

- You're real smart ass, aren't you?
- No, just a sore ass. That hurt.

Turn around, sorry ass.
I said turn around.

- Hey, give me a break. Let me go.
- I told you, get going. Come on, run!

- Take that away from my head.
- Got no balls?

No balls?

- Come on.
- You got a big mouth, you know that?

- Yes, sir.
- Turn around. On your knees, big mouth.

- I said, on your knees, big mouth.
- Yes, sir.

Come on over here.
Get over here.

- You know what I want you to do?
- Oh, fuck that, man!

Shut up, punk.

I want you to start praying.

Pray!

Oh, Lord. Thanks for this
meal we are about to receive...

- On your feet, punk.
- Come on, man.

- You think God's funny?
- I wasn't making fun of God.

You sonofabitch...

All right...

All right, give me the gun.
Come on, give me the gun.

You're in enough trouble already.
Don't make it worse.

You're high on drugs, I can see that.
Listen, son, don't make it worse.

I tell you what.
Give me the gun, you can go.

Don't do that.
That's got a hair trigger.

It could go off at any time.
I got a wife and kid.

How would you like a new asshole too?

Don't do that, please.
I'm not even a cop, OK.

I'm a security guard at Woolworth's.
I'm on vacation for Christ's sake.

Don't do that. Please.

Hey, I like you people, honest to God.
I really do.

- Get down on your knees.
- Yes, sir.

You know what I want you to do,
don't you?

And it ain't praying, cop.

(Unzips)

We're back. Dope-a-thon '82
and we're still rolling.

Keep that phone line hot.
We need your money and your pledges.

We have a very special guest
who's dropped by the studio.

Let's welcome three-time US Open
International Masturbation Champion,

Hairy Palms.

(Excited whooping)

Hairy Palms,
give him a big, warm welcome.

Hairy, glad to have you on the show.
Fantastic. Nice of you to come by.

(Whoops, then howls with pain)

That's quite a grip you have there, Hairy.

You're a graduate of St Agnes All Boys
Catholic High School, right?

And you've just come back from Russia

where you competed
in the Giant Jerk World Championships.

And you came in first and third this year.

Fantastic. Whoo!
Get a hold of yourself, we're on TV.

Hmm, good for the skin.

So, anyway, you've been an innovator
in the field of thumpology.

You've introduced "speed shifting",
"around the hump" the "white knuckler",

and this year you introduced
a brand new hold. What is it?

I just grab it in both hands
and beat it against my forehead.

Fantastic.
That's using your head.

- Where do you go from here?
- Back to the hotel room to practise.

Always practising.
What's your next competition?

Next, I go to Hong Kong
for the Fist Fury Tournament.

Good luck, cos we know you'll be
in there pulling for us. Hairy Palms.

(Chong) You know what
we haven't done for years?

Remember Bruno Hakalugi,
the Italian wrestler?

Remember where Bruno
meets the Invisible Man?

Why don't we do it
where you play the samurai warrior?

I'll be Bruno Hakalugi,
and we'll do the wrestling skit.

I used to love that skit.

'Welcome to championship wrestling.
I'm your host, Jerry Dumphy.

'With me tonight is three-time World
Heavyweight Champion, Mike McGraw.

- 'Welcome to the show, Iron Mike.'
- 'Thank you, Jerry.'

'We have an excellent card on top for you
tonight between the Italian Bruno Hakalugi

'and his team partner,
Japanese ltchy Scratchy.

- 'How do the boys look for you, Iron Mike? '
- 'The Italian looks pretty good.

'The Jap looks good.
They both look good.'

'Their opponent tonight is none other than
the world famous champion from nowhere.

'The Invisible Man.
What do you think of him, Iron Mike? '

'Well, I haven't seen
too much of him lately. In fact, no one has.

'Cos he's invisible.
But I think it's going to be a good match.'

'Hakalugi and ltchy Scratchy
are certainly showing him no respect.'

'They're not showing him
any respect at all.

'But I don't think the Invisible Man
is scared of them either.'

'They're deciding who is going
to go in the ring first.'

'Yeah, they're deciding
who is going to go in the ring first.'

'They're having quite a discussion.
I can't understand what they're saying.

'The Invisible Man is ready.'

'I think it's going to be the Italian.'

'There goes the bell.
Here we go.

'Lt's no holds barred Texas-rules, no
referee and no pay cheque for the loser.

'And he gets hits
by a shot out of nowhere.

'And another shot out of nowhere.
He's down already. Quite a mess.'

- 'Looks like the Italian's in trouble.'
- 'Got him in a lock.

'And now he's got the Japanese guy.
Itchy Scratchy into the ring.

'He's looking around.
Looking for a sneak attack.

'And he's hit his rim.
And another rim shot.'

'That's illegal, but there's no referee
so it doesn't matter.

'He bit him. That's good wrestling.
Biting is allowed.'

'Another rim shot.

'Here comes Bruno Hakalugi
into the ring. What is he doing? '

'He's probably digging for crabs.'

'He's eating garlic.
He's going to give him a garlic blowjob.

'The Japanese is down.
And now the knee drop!

'And into the corner.
Hard to get out this.'

- 'That's pretty tough on the back'.
- 'That's right, Iron Mike.'

- 'Look at that one.'
- 'He's got him in the "got ya".

'He's got his hands full now.
He's really stretching.

'He's slipped out.
Must be the grease on his hands.

'And he gives him another stretch.
And another stretch.

'And over his shoulder for the Volga
boatman, marching to Moscow.

'He's down now.
Couldn't see where he was going.'

- 'You can't see invisible balls.'
- 'That's right.

- 'He's got him in the bass, man! '
- 'That's not orthodox wrestling.'

'He we go into double Dutch.
Listen to them hit the ground.'

'I'd say the Invisible Man's
in a lot of trouble.'

- 'He looks pretty tied up.'
- 'I bet he can get out of it.'

'Hakalugi is going to make
a four-corner run.'

'That really hurts, let me tell you.
It happened to me once.'

'Hakalugi is down. Itchy Scratchy too.
And the Invisible Man wins.'

'Those balls are pretty dangerous
when they're flapping around.'

(Hissing steam and whispering)

(Chong) Hey, Cheech!

How can you stay in there that long?

You know one skit we got to do?
Alice Bowie in a sex club.

# Amsterdam, I like it in Amsterdam

# I'm so glad we came to Amsterdam

# Amsterdam, they smoke hash
in the street

# They ride bicycles all over and they got
everything that's cool in here

# They got a lot of dykes in Amsterdam

# And they got those chicks all over

# I'm so glad we came to Amsterdam

# Even though, they don't know
who we are, in Amsterdam

# Oh, I like Amsterdam,
I like better than America

(Door knocks)

# Even though
they haven't seen our movies #

I am absolutely ruined.

I just got a phone call.
Burt Reynolds is definitely not coming.

He is in Florida.
And Miss Dolly Parton is in hospital.

They're not coming?
Definite, for sure?

- They phoned me.
- That's too bad.

That's OK.
Who needs Burt Reynolds?

We're here. What have you got
to worry about? We'll do a great show.

Don't worry about Burt Reynolds
or Dolly Parton.

I lost my reputation.
I have no money.

- Who needs material possessions?
- Real tears.

Hey, man. Come on.
Take it easy.

Dry your eyes, man.
I hate to see a grown man cry.

Take it easy. All this worry about money
will make you grow old before your time.

I cannot go round in Amsterdam now.

Don't worry. We're gonna do a great show.
People will be screaming and cheering.

It'll be all right, man.

Stop him, he's gonna jump!
Stop him... I gotta reload.

Hey! Come on. Let go.

Let go. Come on, man.

OK. Let him go.

Look how far down it is.

Aaaaaaaaah! Crash!
You don't want to jump.

You'll end up like spaghetti.
We'll have to scrape you up.

You've got nothing to worry about.

My son is nine.
My daughter is only...

Steven Spielberg is a personal friend
of mine. I'll give him a call.

We have lunch at "I Love Sushi"
in Malibu all the time.

We'll have ET over here.
You'll be a big success. Don't worry.

Have a watch.
That looks good on you.

- That looks slick.
- You want to give me your watch?

Here's one for your old lady too.
She likes that?

That's for my mother?

I really appreciate it.

- Thank you.
- Don't worry about nothing.

Just show up at the theatre. You'll see
something you never saw before.

It'll be great.
Don't worry about nothing.

- But I have to think of my reputation.
- Don't worry about that.

- It'll be cool in Amsterdam.
- Thank you for the watches.

Don't worry. Everything will be cool.
Go home and take a lude or something.

- We'll see you at the theatre.
- Thank you.

# Amsterdam! This guy's gonna
lose his ass in Amsterdam... #

Oh, wow. That's a good-looking watch.

Thanks a lot.
All right. Look at that sucker.

Is this too much
with this outfit?

'Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
Burt Reynolds and Dolly Parton.'

(Feedback whines out)

I think there's been a mistake.

We're not Burt and Dolly...
We're Cheech and Chong.

We're gonna do a show for you anyway.
And...

(Feedback whines)

We want to start off with a dude
who had his arm blown off during the war.

He's real sensitive about it too.
You know, about his arm.

So let's give him a nice hand.
Let's hear it for Limey Bitters.

See his arm?

(English accent)
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

It's a great pleasure to be here tonight.

I'd like to perform
for you all an unnatural act.

Hello.

Listen, man.
Turn those mikes down.

Can't you hear them?
They're feeding back.

Turn 'em down.

And don't black out.
Don't black out till we tell you to.

Don't mess with anything.
Just leave it as they are.

Don't tell all those things.
There are a lot of important people.

They even expect the queen will come.
All the people from the secret service...

Don't use the word "bums",
don't use those languages.

I know what a lot of you people out
there are thinking.

(Crowd cheering and laughing)

Just what kind of act will this be?

Let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen.

The act of which I speak...

is that I... am the only person
in the world

who can play the trumpet... out his nose.

That's right.
And not only that.

I will make this trumpet
sound like a slide-trombone.

I would like to play a tune called,

"Nobody knows about me cares
and nobody cares about me nose".

Out me nose... or proboscis.

Thank you very much.
Here we go.

(Heavy sniff)

Had a bit of a greenie stuck there.

All right.

(lmitates trumpet music)

(Applause)

(Audience begin clapping
to marching rhythm)

- Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
- Limey Bitters.

He's a great talent.

A lot of people think we come here
just for the drugs but that's true.

It's nice here. I don't think
you can smoke so light up.

Ladies and gentlemen.
The astronaut.

(# STRAUSS: "Also Sprach Zarathustra"
Theme from 2001 Space Odyssey)

'Ten... nine... eight...
seven...

'six... five... four... three...

'two... one... zero! '

(Blast of rocket engines)

(Music climaxes)

(Speaking in Dutch)

(Cheech) Donkey smell.
Dams and herrings.

Right now, we'd like to take you
to Vondel Park.

Look at all these goddamn pigeons.

Come here, chick, chick, chick...
I got some popcorn for you.

There you go.
Look at that little guy.

I don't want to get personal,
but did you shit your pants?

- What?
- Did you shit your pants?

- Yeah, I shit my pants.
- Why the hell don't you change them?

I ain't done yet.
I still got another week.

- I like you. You're cool.
- Get your goddamn hands off me.

What's that, old man's talk?

You should have a lot more respect
for me than that.

For all you know,
I could be your daddy.

- You could be my daddy?
- Sure, I used to fuck buffaloes.

(Audience laughs and cheers)

You look just like your mama too.
You know that?

Don't say nothing about my mama.

You wanna play games, funny bunny?

Old man with the cane,
wanna play games?

How about race car driver?

By Jesus! You take off,
or I'll kick you in the balls.

You gonna kick me in the balls?

Go ahead.

Come on.
Free shot. Come on.

You sure don't give a guy
much of a target, do you?

- That does it. I'm gonna kill you.
- You sonofabitch!

- You think I'm scared of you?
- I'll do it with a chair.

Oh, Jesus... Oh, God.

What're you doing?
Come on. Let's go.

I'm gonna take your wallet.

Come on, man. Let's go.

Hey!

Hey.

Quit fucking around, man.

Boo!

Hey, dude.

OK, I'm sorry.

What are you doing?

I didn't even touch him!

I was only playing with you, man.

Hey, I'm on parole.

Shit.

Hey, come on, man.

I said I was sorry.

Hey, dude.

Hey, old dude.

Oh, shit. Goddamn, man.

I'm sorry.

Scared the shit out of you
that time, didn't I?

Margaret, where the hell are you?

Come on out of that goddamn toilet
and get over here.

We're gonna see a real live sex act.

Right on that goddamn stage.
I've never seen a live sex act for 12 years.

It cost me a bundle that time too.

Margaret, what the hell are you doing
in that toilet? Scuba diving?

Come on out here for Christ's sake.
You might learn something.

Never mind all the assholes.
Come on.

Where you been?
You don't want to watch? Sit down.

I took that goddamn boat tour, didn't I?

If I see another goddamn windmill,
I'll puke!

Come on we're gonna see a live goddamn
sex act. Sit your ass down and shut up.

We been here 12 goddamn days
and this is the first bit of excitement.

What's the matter with you?
There's nothing on that goddamn seat.

What the hell is that anyway?
It feels like Silly Putty.

Must be some kid in the balcony.
Sit down for Christ's sake.

Let's get this show on the road.
What are you waiting for?

Christ, a live damn sex act.
Christ, I hope that's not the star.

Holy Jesus! She's so old,
she's got stretch marks on her mouth.

She looks like your goddamn sister, Ethel.

- That is goddamn Ethel.
- That is not.

- Hey, Ethel. Over here.
- Will you be quiet?

She's trying to ignore us.
She's taken off her clothes.

- Nope, that ain't Ethel.
- I told you it wasn't Ethel.

I don't think it's Ethel.

Holy Christ, lady, put it back on.
You'll scare someone with that body.

Look at her tits.
Look like oranges in a pair of socks.

Look out, you're gonna trip on them.

Christ all mighty.

Why doesn't she take off her panties?
Oh, she's got 'em off.

What the hell kind of haircut is that?

Looks like someone's initials.

Now she's showing it to us.

Hey, I don't wanna see it that close.

Looks like the Holland Tunnel.

Look, it's doing impressions.

Margaret, look.
There's a devilled egg sandwich.

That's goddamn funny.
Sit down.

What the hell's she gonna do
with that Coke bottle?

Holy Jesus!

You don't suppose
she's got an opener up there, do you?

The goddamn bottle disappeared.
No deposit, I guess.

There it is.
Look at that pop out of there.

She shot that bottle clear across the room.

And it's open. Margaret, look!

There's a goddamn Houdini up there.

What's she gonna do
with those grapes now?

No, she... Holy Jesus!

She's stuffing 'em...
Oh, for Christ's sake, lady.

Why don't you get a purse or something?

Goddamn Pack Wrap.
Look at that!

What are you saving them for?
What the hell you doing?

How's she gonna get them out of there?

Here they come!

Like a goddamn jackpot.
Look at that!

Margaret, look at that.

Oh, no. She's eating them.

If you're that hungry,
I'll buy you a hamburger.

What's the matter?
Are you getting sick? You OK?

Put your head between your legs.

That might make you sicker.
Sit up here.

Sit down.

Don't look if it's gonna make you sick.

Hey, Margaret, look.

They brought in a goddamn dog.
Look at the size of that sonofabitch!

I bet that's the dog that's been shittin'
all over Amsterdam.

Holy Jesus.

Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to present
the dogs, Ralph and Herbie.

(Growls)

(Growls ferociously)

(Whimpers)

- Herbie!
- How the hell are you?

- You're looking good.
- I hardly recognised you!

I got a new haircut. It's a punk cut.
It's red and orange and green and yellow.

- I like that.
- And brown in the centre.

Where you been?
I haven't seen you for so long.

- My human's been keeping me locked up.
- Really?

He went off on vacation to London.
He left me in the room for two weeks.

That's OK.
I shit in his earphones.

I ate all his stash too.

- Want to chase some cats?
- I could use a little pussy about now.

Smell that?

It's Fifi.

She gets me so horny,
I could pole vault.

Every time I smell her, I go nuts.

Hey!

Knock it off, Ralph.

- I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me.
- Yeah? Well, I know what got into me!

Just stay in front of me.

- Go ahead. Get me back.
- Get out of here.

You been locked up too long, haven't you!

Let's go down and chase some Fifi.
Come on, I'm horny.

- I gotta go poop.
- What? Right now?

Well, you hit a nerve or something.

- Shit. Let's pick out a good spot for it.
- Oh, God. I can't wait.

Do it right here.

- But we're in the middle of the restaurant.
- Even better.

I'll watch out for the waiter.

(Laughter and applause)

Herbie, here it comes!
It's gonna be a big one.

Open wide.

Look at the size of that mother.

- Did I do that?
- What do you want to name it?

It's still smokin'.

I love where you put it too.

The waiter's gonna skid
all the way to the kitchen!

Thank you very much.
It's been a pleasure playing for you.

(Applause)

(Music begins as applause fades)

# Still smokin'

# Still tokin'

# Hazed since 1965
Don't know why I'm still alive

# Smokin'
Still smokin'

# Still smokin'

# Still tokin'

# Haven't got a dime
Havin' fun and feelin' fine, and smokin'

# Still smokin'

# Still smokin'

# Still smokin'

# Spending all my time
On the unemployment line and smokin'

# Still smokin'

# Still smokin'
I'm even jokin'

# Haven't got a job
Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, God

# And smokin'
Still smokin'

# The doctor and my brother and
my mother and my father, all tell me to quit

# Quit!

# But even though they love me
And they shove me and they bug me

# I can't go for a... (coughs)
Shit

# Still smokin'

# I'm still smokin'

# It's the only way
I can make it through the day

# Smokin'
Still smokin'

# Still smokin'

# You know I'm smokin'
Writing songs, drinking' wine

# Gettin' high and feelin' fine
And smokin'

# Still smokin'

# Still smokin'

# Hey, I'm still smokin'!

# I'm still smokin! #

(Laughter turns to coughing fit)

Hey, who's got a smoke?

English (eh)