All language subtitles for Dont.Panic.Chaps.1959.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.BZ]

So much for the annihilation of Rommel
in North Africa.

Now, to strike at what I call the soft
underbelly of Europe.

The overall strategy of the Supreme
Command is becoming increasingly clear.

My guess is that we shall invade out of
here or here.

Well, how about Sicily, sir?

Really, Sergeant, Sicily has no military
importance whatsoever.

I just thought... Don't, Sergeant.

Leave the thinking to the professional
soldier.

Yes, sir.

Now, if, as I strongly suspect, Monty
decides to strike here through the

Adriatic, the task which you are about
to undertake will play a vital part in

the important success of the operation.

If we'll all just gather round the map.

Now, what I'm about to tell you is top
secret.

Absolutely top secret.

Understood?

Yes, sir.

These islands are virtually uninhabited.

One or two were supply bases for U
-boats, but intelligence assures us that

they've been evacuated.

Now, your job will be to set up an
observation post on this one.

Yes, sir.

To observe what, sir? When we invade,
there'll be a considerable increase in

enemy activity.

You will report all air and shipping
movements which take place during the 24

hours preceding the attack.

And the 24 hours following it.

Any questions?

Sir, sir, supposing Monty doesn't go
into Italy your way?

Well, in such an event, your efforts
won't be wasted. You'll form part of the

cupboard lab.

Is there a code name for this operation,
sir? Well, the overall operation will

be known as Plantagenet. For there may
be other units such as yours planted in

these islands.

Your particular unit will be known as
Force X.

Force X, eh, sir?

Sergeant Boulder!

Stop!

Where did they find a fellow like Finch?

It's a bit of a BF, isn't it, sir?
That's putting him mildly.

Tell him to come in. Yes, sir.

Finch!

Sergeant.

I say, Ackers, look after this for me,
will you, please?

A survey of prehistoric Persian pottery.

He's mentally sick.

Look here, Finch, I can't pass this
letter.

Why not, sir? I hope I haven't said
anything I shouldn't. You've only told

headmaster of your blasted prep school
where they're going.

You can trust Dr. Wentworth implicitly,
sir. He won't tell anybody else.

Besides, I didn't actually name the
place. Wrapping it up in a lot of jargon

about ancient Greece doesn't fool
anybody.

Do you want us all to get killed?

No, sir.

Burn this.

I'm sorry, sir. I didn't realize. You
see, the head and I are interested in

archaeology. I dare say.

And I'm interested in security.

Write the thing again. And one more boob
like this and you're on a charge.

Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. Won't happen
again, sir.

I'm frightfully sorry, sir.

It's all right, though. I don't think
your mother's picture's damaged.

That is not my mother. It's my fiancée.

Oh, really, sir? I thought, seeing as
she was a captain... Oh, get out!

And I think that parents entrust their
children at their most formative age to

an ass like that.

Thanks, Eckers.

What's the trouble this time, sir?

Aykroyd. Same as usual, nothing but sex.

He never seems to think of anything
else.

Send him in. Yes, sir.

Aykroyd!

Really?

Aykroyd, this letter.

There's nothing sensible in it, is
there, sir? Well, not in a military

no. Well, what's the matter with it,
then?

Well, I mean, must you be quite so
blatant?

It's identical to that dreadful one you
wrote last week. Oh, that was to a

different girl, sir.

I know it's none of my business,
Aykroyd.

If I wrote that sort of thing to my
fiancée, I... I don't know what you'd

Well, you can have a try, sir. I mean,
you've got nothing to lose, have you? On

the contrary, Aykroyd, I have a great
deal to lose.

When I was posted overseas, I promised
Margaret, that is my fiancée, that I'd

nothing beastly, and I shall stick by
that.

Well, sir, I'd do the same, sir, if I
had a fiancée like yours.

You would?

That'll be all, Ackroyd.

You'd think that whoever selected this
unit was trying to palm off every dozen

of regiments.

Yes, sir.

Right. There's ours.

There, son.

No, no.

Ours. No, no, no.

Theirs.

I think.

No good thinking.

Got to be certain.

One of ours.

I don't think so, sir.

The shape of the funnel suggests a
Bremen -class transport.

Are you sure, Sergeant?

Hey, Ackroyd!

Ackroyd! Sir!

Is that a Bremen -class transport?

Yes, sir.

Thought it was.

Yeah. Well, we'll try another one now.

Ackroyd! Are you smoking?

No, sir.

Oh, yes, sir.

Oh, well, I thought it might add a bit
of realism, sir. You know, smoke from

funnel -like.

Put that cigarette out.

Yes, sir.

Right.

Now we'll try submarines.

Theirs or ours?

Ours, sir. Right.

Carry on. Yes, sir.

Morning, Brougham. Morning, sir.

How are things coming along?

Oh, fine, sir, fine.

Well, this is Lieutenant Babington.

Oh, how do you do, Babington?

How do you do?

Babington's number one on the submarine
that'll be taking you on your little

jaunt to you -know -where. Oh, good sir.

He's kindly consented to give you a few
tips on launching your dinghy. That's

right, isn't it, Lib?

A little idea of mine. Ship recognition
made easy.

You're hardly likely to encounter a
Japanese submarine in these waters.

Ackroyd.

Yes, sir? What the hell do you think
you're doing?

What you told me to do, sir.

Well, use your loaf. That's a jap, sir.

Well, you issued it, sir.

Oh.

Well, you'll have to excuse us, sir.
We're frauding you at this game.

Well, come on. We'd better get down to
the training pool. The lieutenant can

only spare half an hour. Yeah, bring all
your equipment.

All our equipment?

Well, of course. You're not going to
invade in your bathing trunks.

Oh, yes, sir. Yes, of course, sir.

All set to have a go, sir.

Right. Carry on, Babington, will you?

Well, here's the drill.

You'll have exactly 60 seconds to get
out of the forward hatch, inflate your

dinghy, launch it, and climb aboard.

As you'll be doing it in the dark,
you'll need to be well rehearsed. Fair

enough. Right, well, let's have a shot
at it. I'll time you.

Ready, Brown? Yes, sir.

Right, go.

Inflate dinghy.

When you're ready, Lieutenant Brown.

I'm so sorry, sir. Be more careful next
time, Finch.

That's right. The sea will be a lot
deeper where you're going.

Ready, sir.

Launch dinghy.

It's a good idea to make fast before you
climb aboard.

Make fast!

It'll be at least a week before this
locker manager are getting wet.

Now, come on, chaps. We've been
rehearsing this for three weeks.

Let's try and break the record.

Ackroyd, Sergeant Boulder, launch
digging.

Finch, WT.

How long, sir?

58 seconds, including inflation.

Right, here I come.

Well done.

Now we try it on the water.

Come on.

Oh, any of you chaps hungry?

Oh, didn't know they were there.

Oh, no.

I thought you'd like to see where we're
dropping you off tomorrow.

Now, um, there's your island there.

We'll surface here at approximately 0200
hours. And I want you ready five

minutes before then.

Right. We'll pick you up in exactly 48
hours' time.

So when you're ready, flash your oldest
lamp three times, and we'll acknowledge

as soon as we see it, all right?

Are you, uh, cold?

Oh, a bit.

It's a responsibility, you know. I
should, uh... Have a drink of that tea.

might make you feel better.

Oh, Rob.

With the compliments of the Navy.

Put a jerk into it. We don't want to be
here all night.

Come on, chaps.

Let's show the Navy what we can do.
Ready for the equipment, sir. Right.

Finch, help me know the WT. Right, sir.

Ow! What's the matter? I caught my
little finger, sir. Can't you pongos

less bloody noise?

There's a war on.

Sorry.

Quiet, chaps.

That's a lot.

In you go, Finch.

Here I come.

Good luck.

Who's got the paddles?

You have, haven't you, sir? Oh, Lord,
I've forgotten them. Blimey, what are we

going to do now?

Paddle with your hands and be quick
about it or we'll get stuck under. Come

come on. In, out, in, out, in.

I say, sir, sir, should we still be tied
to the submarine?

Cut the painter, you idiot.

Oh, yes, of course. Not you, sir.

Finch! Oh.

That was a near thing.

Sorry, chaps.

How'd you like a drink, sir?

Steady your nerves.

Thank you.

Mmm.

Rum. Where'd you get this acroid?

Compliments of the Navy, sir. Really
acroid. Still as it's here.

Shall we get cracking?

Yes. I reckon we're about a quarter of a
mile offshore.

Shouldn't take us more than about a half
an hour.

All right, get paddling.

In, out, in, out.

Well, we can't go on like this. We're
getting nowhere.

No, sir. Well, it's a good job there
ain't no Germans about.

We'd have been knocked off hours ago.

I say, sir, sir, wouldn't it be a good
idea if we swam ashore, sir?

Well, I suppose it would.

Only I can't swim. If we three go over
the side, sir, we could tow you in.

All right, you two, get your boots off.
I've anticipated you, Sergeant. I've got

mine off already.

I'm actually a rather keen swimmer.

I once nearly won. All right, well, over
you go, then.

There, good sergeant.

I'm frightfully sorry, sir. It's not as
deep as I thought. How we could have

waded ashore a long time ago if someone
had took a sand in. Oh, thank you.

Well, it's not going to be much fun
lugging our equipment up that lot.

Still, it's got to be done.

You two unload the dinghy, the sergeant
and I'll make a recce. Yes, sir.

And go easy with the WT.

Yes, sir.

He's a regular little Montgomery, isn't
he?

You'd think he'd been in the army ten
years instead of ten minutes.

Oh, I don't know. I think he's doing
rather well, considering it's his first

invasion. Well, I hope Monty does better
with his.

Oh, careful!

What's the matter, mate? You dropping on
your plates? I stubbed my toe.

It's extremely painful.

Well, he said to be careful with the WT,
so watch it, mate. Well, I'm doing my

best. Would you mind not calling me
mate?

My name's Eric.

Yeah, well, I'll tell you what, Eric.

I'll manage that on my own. You drag the
dinghy up and hide it behind them

rocks.

Well, this seems the best way to the
top. Do you think we can get our

up?

We'll manage.

Come on, Eric, hurry up.

I say, Ackers, look what I found.

You mind it don't go off back. Oh, don't
be an ass. It's probably 2 ,000 years

old.

Yes.

Greco -Roman.

Second or third century B .C.

Undoubtedly used for some domestic
purpose.

Kept under the bed, very likely.

All right, don't worry about that now.
Let's get the thingy emptied.

Looks like intelligence were right. The
place is completely deserted.

I think we ought to make sure, sir. It's
quite a big island.

First things first, Sergeant.

We'll find a suitable place for our
observation post and set up a watch.

After that, we'll make another recce.
Very well, sir.

And get the men.

Yes, sir.

Back up with the T, Finch.

It won't be long, sir.

Any contact yet, Sergeant?

Something's coming through, sir.

Hold on.

I think I've got Radio Cairo.

Anything wrong?

No, sir. Rather good news, really. It
sounds as if the Allies have invaded

Sicily. Good heavens.

Then we've been sent here on a wild
goose chase.

Now, I don't want to hear that kind of
talk, Ackroyd. You heard what Major

Mortimer said.

The invasion of Sicily is probably a
diversion anyway. The main thrust may

come through here.

In which case, our task will be all the
more important.

All right.

Four down for five minutes.

What a dump.

No wonder everyone's scarpered.

It's lucky we're not going to be here
long, sir. There doesn't seem to be any

fresh water. Well, I hope things will go
easy with what we've got.

What's he supposed to be cooking?

He said he was rather good on soup, sir.

Oops. Listen, if he's good on anything,
I'll kiss my Aunt Nellie's...

What do you make of that, Sergeant?

Sounded like someone shouting in a
foreign language to me.

Probably wants to know the time.

Get down, you fool! Do you want to be
shot?

It's all right, sir.

Take a butcher's hook.

And I told him not to leave the post.
Well, let's face it, sir. If there are

Germans on this side of the island,
they'd have known about us by now.

Yeah, well, I'm afraid you're right,
Sergeant.

Well, I suppose the best thing we can do
is to remain at our observation post

until we're picked up tomorrow night.

That doesn't mean reduce our vigilance,
Aykroyd.

Uh, no, sir. Right.

Sir, I've been looking for you
everywhere. Soup's up. You indescribable

Haven't you learned anything since you
were in the army?

I was only doing my best, sir.

No sign of them yet.

They're over two hours late.

Anything come through yet, Sergeant?

No, sir.

Flash the orders again, Aykroyd.

Sir, what happens if the Navy doesn't
arrive?

We'll have to wait till they do.

Well, if you ask me, we're up to our
neck.

Well, nobody did ask you.

It's a pity we can't give them a call on
the WT, sir.

Now, you know our order, Sergeant.

We're only to break WT silence when
reporting enemy movements.

Yes, sir, but... You'll have to leave
that to my judgment.

In the meantime, let's be patient.

Try again, Eckhart.

Oh, 800 hours, sir. No sign of anything.

I've just been listening to the news.
There's no doubt the main offensive is

through Sicily.

I expect in the excitement they've
forgotten all about us.

Oh, I sincerely hope not.

Better wake up the other two.

Yes, sir.

Aykroyd.

Aykroyd! Come on.

Finch. Finch!

Wake up. Come on.

We'd better get some breakfast going,
Aykroyd.

Go easy with the water.

Yes, sir.

I'll make the tea with rum, if you like,
sir.

In that case, sir, could I go and have a
wash and brush up?

Yeah, but don't be too long about it.

Right, sir.

We'll have to start looking round for
some food shortly, sir. Our rations

last more than a day.

What if there's anything to shoot?

There's plenty of fish in the sea, sir.

Oh, that's a good idea, Croyd.

Pity you didn't mention that to Finch.

Finch? He couldn't catch anything.

Not even a cold.

Good morning.

I say, that's German.

at the top of his voice.

Sir.

Well, Finch, what is it? Can't he wait
till you get dressed?

Sir, I've seen a German, sir. A German?
Are you sure?

Quite sure, sir.

I heard him speak, sir. What, did you
attack him?

Oh, no, sir. I couldn't, sir. He hadn't
any clothes on. What, did he attack you?

No, sir.

I hadn't any clothes on either, sir.

Blimey, what a war. The battle of the
sunbathers.

If there's one, there must be others.
Well, come on. We'd better find them

before they find us. Yes, come on, sir.
And, Finch. Yes, sir? Would you please

get properly dressed?

Oh, yes. I'm sorry, sir.

Yes, sir.

Sorry, sir.

Are you sure you saw a German? Yes, sir.
Quite sure, sir.

I'm frightfully sorry, sir.

Look.

Looks like some sort of fortress.

It's a monastery, sir.

Early Byzantine.

Good gracious.

What is it, sir?

Look up on the right -hand wall.

Pants and socks.

And I'll bet they're not early
Byzantine, either.

You think that's a German HQ, sir? Yes,
and they're probably out looking for us.

Oh, dear.

I hope there ain't many of them. There
can't be many.

Whatever their number, we've got to
shift them. There's no alternative.

We lay out for the rest of the day and
get some rest.

We attack after dark.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

There's a light showing they're not
expecting us, all set? Yes, sir. Right,

once, sir. You stay here and give cover,
and don't hesitate to fire if

necessary. Yes, sir. Finch. Yes, sir.

There's a door straight ahead. You make
for it, and when I give the order, open

it. Yes, sir. I'll go in first with the
Tommy gun, you next, Sergeant, then

Finch. Understood?

Yes, sir. Right.

Good luck.

Come on, let's go.

Finch.

Caught my foot.

Get on.

Sorry, sir. I caught the other one.

Go on.

The door.

Doesn't seem to be anyone at home, sir.
Maybe it's a trick. Spit out.

Sir?

I suppose that couldn't be a white flag,
could it? It could be, I suppose.

It is a white flag.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Allow me to introduce myself.

Hauptmann, I beg your pardon, Captain
Eduard von Kreuzling at your service.

Hands up!

Oh, come now, Lieutenant.

There's no need for dramatics.

Hands up or I shoot!

Shoot an officer who's shown the white
flag?

Surely that's not cricket?

I'll see what he's got to say for
himself. Perhaps he wants to surrender.

I presume he wishes to surrender.

How many men have you got?

The same number as you have.

Three.

Now, may I ask you a question?

Certainly not. You're my prisoner. On
the contrary, we are having a parley

the white flag.

Oh, well.

What is it?

Perhaps your other man, the one outside,
would care to join us?

What do you think, Sergeant?

I suppose it's all right.

Finch, get a crud. Yes, Sergeant.

Excuse me.

Schmidt?

Here, beer, bitte.

That is a secret passage leading to the
vaults below.

Most of the old monasteries have at
least one of them.

Sorry, sir, I caught my... Here's Acker,
sir.

Cool, a free one already.

Won't you sit down, gentlemen?

Do you smoke?

No, thank you.

Ah, gentlemen, let me introduce Hermann
Schmidt, our cook.

I say, have you got a fizzy lemonade,
please?

Yeah, yeah.

Cheerio.

Now, isn't this better than lying dead
outside?

Rather. What do you mean?

We could have picked you off any time we
wished.

However, I am a peaceful man and do not
care for unnecessary bloodshed.

Now to business.

Let me tell you my position.

I was posted to this island 18 months
ago to take charge of a U -boat supply

depot which is located beneath this
monastery.

However, I received no orders, no
communication from anyone for the past

months. A situation which I find most
agreeable and which I hope will continue

until the war is over.

You mean they've forgotten all about
you?

Precisely. In the confusion of modern
war, it often happens to a small unit

as ours.

Well, we haven't been forgotten.

Yeah, we haven't been picked up yet,
neither.

Until you are, there are two courses
open to us.

Either to fight it out, and having
unlimited food and ammunition, we are

to win.

Or we can settle down and live
harmoniously until either your side or

arrives on the scene.

What an outrageous suggestion.

We fight it out. Don't be too hasty,
Lieutenant.

Think it over.

It seems to me a thoroughly logical and
intelligent scheme.

If you think we're going to hobnob with
a bunch of Germans, it was merely a

suggestion.

We don't want to be killed any more than
you do.

Perhaps you'd like to talk it over
amongst yourselves.

And shall we declare an amnesty for,
say, 24 hours?

Take it that none of us is in a hurry to
die.

It's a preposterous idea.

Not worth considering.

Oh, why not, sir?

Because a soldier just doesn't do that
sort of thing.

Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir. During
Alexander's march to the Red Sea... I

a British soldier.

24 hours, then?

Very well. Can't do any harm, I suppose.

24 hours, then.

But no monkey business, otherwise the
whole thing's off.

You have my word.

I presume that I have yours.

Until 11 .30 tomorrow night, then,
gentlemen.

You think the Navy will turn up, Sarge?
I don't see why not.

And what'll we do if they don't? Fight,
of course.

A fat lot of good, that'll do us.

Look, I don't see any point in all
getting knocked off when we can come to

nice, friendly arrangement like.

Do you, sir? Well, naturally not.

Now, look here, Accord, I don't want
that kind of talk. And put that cigar

May I say something, sir?

Well, what is it, Finch?

Well, I've been thinking, sir.

If they've been forgotten for nine
months and we've only been forgotten for

hours, then our Navy's bound to turn up
before theirs.

Yeah. And then they'd be our prisoners
and Bob's your uncle.

Wouldn't they, sir?

Yeah. There's something in that.

What do you think, Sergeant?

You know what I think, sir.

I want no part of it.

Yeah. I see what you mean.

I've made up my mind, Sergeant. I'm
breaking WT's silence and asking for

instructions.

The set's packed up.

What's wrong with it?

I think it's one of the valves. It must
have had some sort of a knock. Oh, my

goodness. I hope not. We haven't got any
spares.

I know what it is. It sabotages those
blasted Germans. All that talk of a

It isn't that, sir. It's been working
all right till now.

Well, then it's that damn fool Finch.
Where is he?

Trying to catch our breakfast.

Wait. I'll get the hat.

It's a bit small, isn't it? Listen, a
sardine's better than a tadpole, mate.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Oh, good morning, sir.

Um, we... What's the matter? Are you
trying to win the Iron Cross?

What else could I say?

Nothing, Clot.

Come on.

If you're looking for fish, you won't
find them there.

Could we ask him where we will?

He won't tell us. We could try.

Where is the best place? Mine here?

There is a secret for the moment.

But one thing I can tell you, grilled,
they're delicious.

Grilled, they're delicious.

I'd like to grill him, both sides.

Terry.

Damn. Now we're left to fight without
communications, about 100 rounds of ammo

and no supplies.

Don't worry, sir, we'll do our best.

You're right, Sergeant.

We mustn't give in.

Ah, did you catch anything?

How would you like them, sir?

Fillet, little oil, or mason?

They're a bit small, aren't they?

The German officer said we were fishing
in the wrong place, sir. You haven't

been talking to him?

No, not exactly, sir. He talked to us.

Oh, well, it's no good cooking those
things.

Come on, we must find ourselves some
food and some fresh water. There's bound

be a well in the monastery, sir.

Yes, and I dare say we'll find pussy at
the bottom of it.

of that machine gun.

Neither do I.

But I'm more concerned at the moment of
finding out where they get that water.

Yeah, and having a drink of it.

Yes.

Well, we weren't so much out against
that gun.

Probably got others as well.

Mind you, British soldiers have overcome
greater odds than these.

Yeah, but the old thing makes no sense
to me.

Either we kill them or they kill us.

It makes no difference.

Shut up, Aykroyd. I've had enough of
your defeatist talk.

It's not defeatist.

It's using your loaf.

Look, we play ball till the Navy gets
back. We live to fight till another day.

That should suit you.

What do you think, sir?

Well, if I thought they were doing
anything to help the German war effort,

wouldn't even consider the matter. But
they're not.

It doesn't matter if they're Germans,
but they're alive or dead.

What do you think, Sergeant?

A soldier's duty is to fight.

As is not the reason why, as is but the
do or die.

Shakespeare. No, no, Lord Tennyson.

Oh, yeah.

I wish sometimes you'd discuss
situations like this or not, too. I'm

are many historical precedents, sir.

During the Peninsular War, they did no
fighting in the winter at all.

What's that got to do with it?

Well, nothing, really.

It was just a matter of expediency.

Expediency. That's it.

I'll play that German officer at his own
game.

I fancy I'm just as clever as he is.

Yes. Yes, of course you are, sir. Well,
that settles it.

We'll box clever till the Navy arrives.

Agreed? Agreed. Rather.

Right. Follow me.

Well, it looks like we'll be getting our
dinner after all.

Good morning.

You have reached a decision?

Yes. I have decided to avoid unnecessary
bloodshed. And I am willing to discuss

your proposition.

Splendid. Splendid. But first, won't you
join us at lunch?

If you insist.

Naturally. If your men will join Felby
with Meister.

Meister. To be fair, Herr Hoppen.
Sergeant.

Carry on.

Lieutenants, please.

I'm delighted that common sense has
prevailed, Lieutenant.

Between ourselves, it'll be a relief to
have someone of my own intellectual

standards to talk to.

That's very nice of you to say, sir.

Chateau Petit Village.

One may not like the French people, but
one cannot help appreciating their

wines.

Delicious.

Help yourself.

Come, come, Lieutenant.

Take as much as you want.

We have enough here to last us for
years.

Hey, look at this. Tin chicken.

You're living like kings.

Better than a naffy, eh, Sarge?

I would like it clearly understood that
I'm not in agreement with the Hoffman's

arrangements.

Neither am I.

Well, now you've got that, sir, would
you mind if I salt and pepper up?

Right.

My goodness, that was a good lunch.

You have an excellent cook, Hauptmann.

Oh, Schmidt isn't bad considering, but
of course he has a limited repertoire.

Perhaps tomorrow one of your men would
like to try his ham.

Oh, you like English food?

Oh, yes, indeed. I learned to enjoy it
at Oxford.

I'm a Balliol man.

I thought this is the most suitable spot
to discuss our non -aggression pact.

Please. Thank you.

Now,

my suggestion is that our two forces do
what little work there is, cleaning,

cooking, and so on.

And you and I take alternate weeks as
camp commandant.

Purely nominal duties, of course.

Will that suit you?

Oh, well, that seems fair enough.

Should the British arrive here first, we
will be your prisoners.

But should the Germans,

you will be ours.

Agreed?

Agreed. Good.

Then till either of these unpleasant
eventualities occur, let us enjoy the

pleasures of the Adriatic.

I have been

ordered by the Herr Hauptmann to provide
you with accommodation.

I've arranged it as far away from ours
as possible.

Good. Well, let's have a look at it.

Put everything on the table, please.

This is Frederick Ackroyd, and I'm Eric
Finch.

Johann Wolfgang Voss.

Hermann Schmidt von Dusseldorf.

I say, not the Johann Wolfgang Voss who
wrote 10 ,000 Decades Before Man.

Ja, you know it.

Ja. I mean, yes.

I say, what a bit of luck, Ackers.

Professor Voss is one of the world's
most famous archaeologists.

Oh,

I'm perfectly spiffed.

You are interested.

Yes. I mean, ja.

Excuse me, but I have found on this
island some very interesting things.

You like to see them? Oh, rather.

I say, Akers, do you think anyone would
mind?

Why should they? This might be the start
of a beautiful friendship.

It's got a pterodactyl.

Yeah.

I think a perfect skeleton.

Yes.

It's long and tedious work.

If only I had some help.

Oh, I'd be greatly honored to help you,
Prof.

I've often helped Dr. Wentworth, the
head in the school museum.

I'm not very good at it, I'm afraid. No,
that's good. Come, we start at once.

Oh, I say. In two weeks, we lay it bare.

Oh, how absolutely super.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Professor.

That's all right.

Good morning. Good morning.

Would you care to join us?

No, thank you. I'm going for a swim.

Good morning, Sir Fable.

Good morning, Altman.

All right, that's enough. Stand easy.

A couple of words before we dismiss.

Routine orders for the day.

I should expect you to keep your
quarters spotless and to give a hand

general domestic services, etc.

Understood? Yes, sir. As part of the
peace terms, I've agreed with Hartman

Krisling that we should be responsible
on alternate days for the cooking

arrangements.

Would one of you care to volunteer?

Right, Aykroyd, you're the cook.

Oh, turn it up, sir.

What about Finchie? Why should he lay in
the sun all day while I cook my fingers

to the bone? You heard what the
lieutenant said, Aykroyd.

Listen, I can't even boil an egg. Why,
do your best, Ackroyd. It's only a

of common sense.

Just throw a few things in the pan and
see they don't burn and all that.

All right, dismissed.

Charming. Uh, Fishy, what about giving
us a hand tonight? Sorry, Ackers, I'm

going to be busy with the professor all
morning.

I'll get cracking, Ackroyd.

Right -o, Schmitty.

I am cook today.

Well, thank you very much for your
interesting little talk.

Didn't understand a bloody word of it.

What is your fellow giving us, by the
way?

Oh, I didn't order anything specific. I
rather left it to him.

What is it, Ackroyd?

Well, I don't know, really, sir.

But it's a sort of Lancashire rock pop
cum chop suey.

Well, don't look at it, sir. Eat it.

Oh, that's enough for me. Thank you.

Mmm. Delicious.

Absolutely delicious.

Garnet.

Oh, this is the best curry I've tasted
for years.

Congratulations, Ackroyd.

Excellent.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Schmidt says that you are a genius, and
I agree with him.

I say, Ackers, he's absolutely a wizzo.

Yeah, looks like you were elected cook
for capes.

Well, that's the last time he gets
asked.

Hello, Ackers. Seen the prof?

No. Oh, I expect he's gone down to the
site.

I say, Ackers, would you like to see the
professor's pterodactyl?

I beg your pardon?

Certainly not.

You never get tired of polishing that
gun, do you, Sergeant?

No, Finch.

You never know when it may be needed.

This isn't getting us anywhere.

Beating you up isn't going to make me
feel any better.

We are soldiers.

It is our duty to fight, to take part in
this war.

The war's left us behind, and there's
nothing we can do about it.

We could escape.

Could we get to Greece in a dinghy?

Men have made more difficult journeys.

Yeah. I'm prepared to have a go. How
about you? Yeah.

Right. Then we'll leave as soon as
possible.

I do have another glass, Pomeroy.

A very rich and vibrant vintage, don't
you think?

You really are most fortunate with your
wines, Edouard.

Well, naturally, as missing officer, I
selected them myself.

Oh, no, Eric.

This is the lower breast spoon.

Really?

Here, Professor.

If I had your brains, I'd assemble a
different kind of bird than that. A nice

pink one with lovely golden hair and two
enormous... All right, Aykroyd. 2 ,200

hours. Your guard.

The supplies are all loaded. And the
paddles.

Give me a hand.

Come on, let's go.

Oh, hello, sir. Going fishing?

Thought I'd chance my arm. Jolly good,
sir. Hope you catch some whoppers. So do

I.

I say, what's that, Prof?

I don't know yet. We have much to dig
before we can tell. Right.

Careful, Eric.

I'm frightfully sorry, Prof. I got
carried away.

Digging for victory and all that.

Oh, sorry.

That sounds like the CO. I think he
wants us. It sounds important.

What could be important on this island?

Please, Eric.

Oh, sorry.

Dance, boss!

Quickly, I can't swim!

Hang on, I'll be with you in a minute.

Coming,

coming!

I think I'd better go and see what he
wanted.

I'll say we didn't hear him. Then how
would you know that he wanted us?

Oh, I hadn't thought of that.

Good gracious, the CO's caught a woman.

I

say,

are you all right?

Oh, sir.

How do you do? My name's Eric Finch.
This is Professor Voss.

Can I help you?

Ah, Frotnish.

She doesn't seem to speak English or
German, sir.

I think

she's some sort of a Slav, sir. Can you
understand?

No, we don't do that at Botany House,
sir.

Oh,

really?

What happened to you?

Good gracious.

What did she say?

Something about being sort of
shipwrecked, sir. And she's sort of

Why didn't you say so before?

Let's take the monastery right away and
get these wet clothes off her. I say,

steady, sir.

Oh, I don't know what I mean. Excuse me.

Don't worry, sir. Back for you in a
jiff.

If I was you, I'd stick a few dried
prunes in that stew.

Make a nice change.

I say, act as quickly. The helpman wants
some hot coffee immediately.

Now, what's the matter with him? It's
only half past nine and already he wants

his elevenses.

Coffee won't be a moment, sir.

Il caffè pronto una minute. So don't
worry.

Oh, hello, sir. Still feeling dicky?

Well, you're a fine lot, I must say.

There was I.

Oh, hello.

Say, uh...

Though we have met before, we've not
been properly introduced.

My name is Lieutenant Brown.

She doesn't understand a word you say,
Pomeroy. She's a slob. Oh, that's a

I must do something about her, make some
arrangements for her.

Find her somewhere to sleep.

Oh, well, she can come into my room.

I mean, I'll move in with you. Certainly
not. Most inconvenient.

Both of us, I mean. All right.

Where's Sergeant Bolter?

I don't know, sir. He seems to have
disappeared.

I think he and Sergeant Meister must
have gone on a fishing expedition.

Oh. Well, then I suggest that we put
this young lady into Boulter's room, and

then Boulter can move in with you,
Finch. Yes, sir. Is that all right with

Edward? Very well, but she must take
things quietly for the next 24 hours.

Tomorrow she should be fully recovered,
I hope. Yes, sir, sir, do I.

Crumpy!

In view of yesterday's unexpected turn
of events...

I refer, of course, to having a female
person in our midst.

Halfmer von Krisling and myself have
decided to enforce stringent

One, there will be no swearing.

Two,

personnel will appear properly dressed
at all times.

Three, female quarters will be out of
bounds to all ranks.

Four, when the lady goes to the beach
for ablutions,

Her privacy will be respected.

Is that clear?

Anything you wish to add?

If I may.

Most of us haven't seen a woman for a
considerable time.

I suggest, therefore, that we try to
keep our sense of proportion.

You will be helped in this respect by
thinking constantly of your wife, your

sweetheart, even your sister or mother.

In this way, we can hope to give this
unfortunate young woman the respect her

sex deserves.

Thank you very much, Edouard.

Admirable sentiments.

All right, men.

Dismissed.

You know, I can't think what's happened
to Bolton and Meister.

Well, eh?

Meister's the most reliable man I've
got.

Watch your language, sweetheart.

In any case, we have more important
things to think about.

Yes, yes, of course.

Oh, um, Komi, Ti, Ikiyami.

Elsa. Oh, Elsa.

Cool. Lovely.

Ackroyd! Sir? Haven't you any work to
do?

Well, fortunately, no, sir. I don't
start the cooking for another hour or so

yet, sir.

I say, don't you think we should tell
her to button up her shirt?

It's most disturbing for the men.

Oh, I quite agree.

Finch. Yes, sir?

Tell her to button up her shirt.

Me, sir?

Well, certainly.

You're the only one who speaks her
lingo.

Oh, sir.

Vado a fare il bagno.

Oh.

Your Italian seems a bit rusty, Finch.

I'm sorry, sir. I did my best.

Anyway, she's going from bed, sir.

Macroyd, where are you going? You know
my instructions.

Oh, I wasn't going out to the beach,
sir. I was just going to look for

tasty for lunch, sir.

Well, look in the kitchen.

Yes, sir.

We go to the diggings. Yeah. Oh, do we
have to?

I do hope this girl isn't going to cause
any trouble.

You needn't worry, Pomeroy, with that
lovely fiancée of yours.

And you're married, aren't you?

Alas, unhappily.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll
do a little bird -watching.

I say.

It's a very good example of its kind.

Beautifully formed.

Do you not agree?

I certainly do.

I say, do you think it's all right to
look, Prof?

Oh,

Eric.

You should be ashamed from yourself.

You've seen a woman before.

Oh, I wasn't looking on purpose, Prof.

The fact is, it's the first time I've
seen a girl in the... in the altogether.

Eric, there's nothing to see. Just pink
flesh and boom, boom, boom.

The best thing is to forget all about
them. And if you can't, take a cold

Yeah, that's what Dr. Wentworth told the
chaps at Botany House.

It just doesn't seem to work with me.

I know this will sound odd, Prof, but
you know, I like girls.

Oh, Eric.

Pomeroy, do have a look. I shall do
nothing of the sort, Edward.

I think it's outrageous.

Really?

I think it's rather charming.

I can't see anything.

Oh, there.

Oh.

Oh, I do beg your pardon, my dear
fellow. I thought you were looking at

something else.

Come, come, Pomeroy. I hope you didn't
think that I was a peeping Tom. Well,

no, of course not.

Naturally not.

My mistake.

Oh.

We're not making any progress. The
current's dead against us. What exactly

you suggesting?

There's no alternative. We'll have to
turn back.

You realise we shall be treated as
deserters?

We took the risk. We must take the
punishment.

All right.

You like it?

Why can't you look what you're doing?
I'm sorry, sir.

Isn't it time that you taught your men
how to serve a meal properly?

Oh, really, there's no need to create a
scene. Do remember there's a lady...

Well, I can hardly forget that. With you
sitting there, ogling her like a

lovesick schoolboy.

Well, barely.

I can't say you behave any better
yourself.

An unhappy marriage is no excuse for
playing footy -footy underneath the

Now look and see what you've done.

You've made the girl blub. I've done no
such thing.

Please accept our apologies.

We have both behaved like children.

We'll do something.

Finch. Yes, sir? Come and find out
what's the matter.

Yes, sir.

Ask her what's worrying her.

What's she saying?

She's unhappy, sir. Well, we all know
that, you fool, but why?

Well, sir, it seems she was going to be
a sort of queen of the grapes at some

kind of wine festival.

Ah, the goddess of Bacchanalia.

She's naturally disappointed at missing
it. It was to be her big moment, you

see. I suppose these things mean a lot
in a woman's life, don't they?

Rather like being a debutante. I quite
agree.

Isn't there something we could do about
it?

How about having a party, sir?

We could crown a queen in a night. Yes,
we could all dress up and have a

bacchanalian orgy just like from 2 ,000
years ago.

Bacchanalian orgy? I say, steady, prof.

An admirable idea, Fos.

I'm sure the lieutenant would agree.

Well, I'm 100 % in favor, but how do we
dress up? Oh, we have plenty of sheets

in the storeroom, and I will volunteer
to be the mistress of the wardrobe. Sir,

could we have a prize for the best
costume?

Why not? If we're going to have a party,
let's do it properly.

Finch, tell her.

Yes, sir.

The champagne.

Yes, sir.

Now, boss, what's the program?

First we crown the goddess of
Bacchanalia, and then the public orator

speech. And then?

And then we eat. And then, according to
tradition, there follows drunkenness,

debauchery, and licentiousness of all
kinds.

Oh, lovely.

I don't think we have to go that far.

Yes, yes, sir.

Schmidt, the crown.

Jawohl, Herr Leutnant.

For our Princess of Bacchanalia.

Princess of Bacchanalia.

Vince, you'll have to be the public
orator.

Oh, all right, sir.

Tonight we are... Oh, sorry.

Stasera, tu ci onora, con la tua
presenza.

E siamo fiori di coronati Regina
Delphina. Bravo, Vince.

Oh,

she says thank you very much. Bravo!

Dear Professor, what about all that
tradition you were talking about?

It's getting a bit up in here, isn't it?
Can't we liven things up a bit?

Could have been the feet of prowess, the
Olympic Games, dancing.

Dancing, that's it.

Oh, excuse me, sir, but I've been
approached by one or two of the other

sir, to see if we couldn't have a bit of
a nop.

Dancing, like, sir.

That's a wonderful idea.

Will you start the dancing or shall I?
Oh, excuse me, sir, but the idea we had

in mind, sir, was something a bit more
communal, sir.

Oh. Like the Paul Jones.

Oh, I see. Well, we're a bit short of
girls, aren't we?

Well, nevertheless, put on an
appropriate record.

Yes, sir.

Prince. Yes, sir? We're having a Paul
Jones.

Would you please explain to Miss Elsa
what happens?

Yes, sir.

Uh, Paula Jonesy.

See?

Here. Here's a turn -up for the book,
sir. The Gay Gordons. Ah.

A relic of my Oxford days.

I used to be a very keen Scottish
dancer.

Were you really? Well, so was I.

I suppose it's all right to do an
English dance to a Scottish tune dressed

Roman costume.

Take your partners for a Paul Jones,
please.

Here, wait a minute.

Professor, you take over the gramophone
because you're a bit long in the tooth

for dancing.

Now, lady in the centre and gentlemen,
form a circle.

You must have done a bit of dancing.
Shall we?

Well, if you insist.

No point giving ourselves up tonight.

We'd better wait till morning.

We go now.

The Hauptmann is a just man.

I should prefer we face him tonight.

We go now.

How should you?

You may not be a gentleman, Lieutenant,
but must you behave like a cad? Don't be

a blithering idiot, Chrisling. I was
clearly standing directly opposite Miss

Elsa when the music stopped, and you
deliberately barred me.

It so happens I was prepared for someone
to hit below the belt.

Why don't you slosh the silly twerp, Mr.
Brown? What did you call the half -man?

Swinehorn? Silly twerp.

Anyway, you keep out of this, Grandad,
or I'll pop you onto you.

You're a smart one for this.

Don't you do that to me.

Don't you push me.

You can't pop it.

Say be careful What

is

happening that's me

perfectly ripping party and now
everybody's fighting.

Us against them. Come on, Sarge.

Look, sir, a periscope.

It's a submarine, all right.

Yes, but is it yours or ours?

We'll have to wait till it surfaces to
find out.

A tricky situation, eh, Pomeroy? Yes,
just what I was thinking, Edward.

I mean, are we your prisoners or are you
ours?

Well, what are we going to do, sir?

I don't know. We've got to do something
quick.

Sir, sir, do any of us have to be
prisoners, sir? If this sub's come to

one unit, couldn't the other lie sort of
doggo, sir, until it's gone?

An excellent suggestion.

If it's German, the island will be
yours.

You can rely on us to play the game.

And if it's British, you will be taken
away, and we shall be in exactly the

position as we were before you arrived.

Yeah? And how do we know we can trust
you?

Really, Sergeant, you must learn to
recognize a gentleman when you meet one.

You agree, Pomeroy?

If we're caught obnobbing with this lot,
sir, we'll all beat with a firing

squad.

Yes, Edward.

Agreed.

Oh, look, sir, it's coming up.

Well, one of us is going to get back
into the war.

Yeah.

It's British.

The fortunes of war.

All right, come on, chaps.

Prepare to embark.

Major Mortimer. Ah, decent of him to
remember us, ain't it? Well, I hope he's

got a good explanation why we're
abandoned here.

If it hadn't been for the Germans, we'd
have starved to death.

Now, you know the drill.

The main thing is to get on that sub as
quickly as possible.

Bolter and I'll deal with the Major.
Ackroyd and Finch get the dinghy.

And don't forget, we're all in this
together.

So keep your mouth shut.

Right? Right, sir. Right.

Good show they're still alive.

Hello?

Everything's all right? The Navy's here?

Just in the nick of time, sir. Hello,
Brown.

My other two men are getting our dinghy,
sir. We can be aboard in five minutes'

flat, sir.

No hurry, old boy. Another germ within
100 miles.

Damn fine show, Brown. I can't think of
how you managed to survive.

We'll come ashore for an hour or so, and
you can show us how you did it.

Hello, sir.

Won't be a minute.

Excellent, Burrell Brown.

Excellent.

Well done, man. Well done indeed. No, it
was nothing, sir. It's grand to see you

fellas in such good shape.

We couldn't get here earlier. The navy
said they were too busy.

Well, I guessed you'd be all right.

We thought we saw a light last night.

Oh, yes, sir. That's the monastery. R .H
.Q.

Early Byzantine architect.

Sure, sir.

Oh, really?

Very poor blackout arrangements.

Where is this monastery?

Oh, it's a frightful place. I don't
think you'll like it at all, sir.

Now, now, Brown, it's necessary that I
should see what you chaps have endured.

I have to make a full report.

There may be a gong in this for
somebody.

Well, who's going to lead the way?

Oh, I will, sir.

I will, sir.

Sergeant Bowler, Ackroyd, beat along
ahead.

See if everything's all right.

Yes, sir.

Well, if you gentlemen are ready, I
think you'll find it a bit of a climb.

Oh, I'm pretty fit.

Well, what's happened? Why have you
embarked? The Major wants to inspect the

monastery. My God!

Come on.

Well, sir, I thought we'd stop for a
breather.

Oh, so peaceful here.

I didn't know there was a war on.

Anything the matter, Babington?

Oh, no, no, no, sir, nothing at all.
Now, I thought I saw going there.

Oh, but I couldn't have.

Good heavens.

We'd better get a move on.

You've had a good rest.

Thank you, Aykroyd.

Good heavens, tables and chairs.

You've made yourselves pretty
comfortable.

Yes, sir. Bitter luck.

Deserted you at base.

We stumbled on it quite by chance, sir.

Absolutely derelict. It's not worth
looking round.

Is it, Finch?

What, sir? Not worth looking round.

Oh, no, sir. No, not worth looking
round, sir.

You manged your hole, sir. Oh, the same
I'd like to. Wouldn't you, Babington?

Yes, I would rather.

Oh, if you insist.

But there's nothing to see.

Fortunately, there's a well with fresh
water. Otherwise, it might have been a

bit tricky.

I smell cooking.

Very likely, sir. We were just preparing
breakfast when the guard reported your

arrival. Quite right.

Naturally, we abandoned it, sir, and I
anxiety to leave the island.

Well, shall we go now, sir?

That seems a pity to waste that food.

Smells delicious.

How about a quick bite?

Oh, I don't think you'll like it, sir.

Ackroyd. Get the Major and Lieutenant
something to eat.

An Ackroyd.

Make it as tasty as possible.

Yes, sir.

Well, that shouldn't take long.

Now, I suppose there's no oil store,
engineer.

Oh, no, sir, no. Nothing like that at
all. Ah.

Well, now, perhaps while we were
waiting, you'd care to inspect our

defences, sir.

All right.

Accurate. He understood what the
lieutenant meant when he said tasty.

He meant a real nasty taste.

I know that, Sarge. I wasn't born
yesterday.

Here, I'll pretend I'm in the catering
corps.

That's it.

Wasn't born yesterday.

Oh, the usual meagre fare, sir. I just
stewed up a few old bones.

Potage a la Finch.

Oh, no.

Oh, I say, sir, that's a bit thick. I
beg your pardon, Finch.

Nothing, sir.

It doesn't smell quite as nice as it
did.

Still, I have no doubt it's quite
delicious.

No good, sir?

Dreadful.

Have you been existing on this sort of
thing?

Oh, it's not always been as good as
this, sir.

If I may say so, the sooner we get these
chaps aboard and give them a good meal,

the better. I quite agree.

I'll get you some water, sir.

What's the matter, boy? Lack of food, if
you ask me.

He looks terrible. I'm surprised they
survived at all. Go in there.

Listen carefully.

Please try to understand.

You must hide.

Um... Nascondere.

Nascondere Nelly Alberi.

You must hide in bushes.

Yes, good.

No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. No,
no, no. No, no, no. No,

no, no.

I don't know what came over me, sir.

Well, shall we get started?

Take it easy. You've been through a
nasty experience. Oh, I'm all right now,

sir. The thought of getting on that
submarine has made me feel very much

Come on, then.

Yes. In some ways, it's been a very
interesting experience, sir.

Still, it'll be nice to get back in the
war again.

Frankly, we were brought back to reality
by those two morning shots you pumped

into us last night.

We didn't fire any shots last night, did
we?

No. You didn't? No, it must have been
the Germans.

Yes, must have been.

Good heavens, we'd better get moving.

Sergeant Mulder, Ackroyd, stand by to
launch a dinghy. Quick.

Strange.

Strange.

Coming, sir.

Poor fellow.

Suffering from shell shock, if you ask
me.

Must have been through a horrible
experience.

What they all need is a good holiday.
Come on, Finch, you'll be keeping us

waiting. Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I had a job
to do, remember?

All right, we know your task was vital,
but come on, come on. Yes, sir.

Mr. Finch!

Mr. Finch!

Now, now, now, don't panic, chaps.

And who is this person?

Well, sir, she's a... She's Finch's
fiancée, sir.

Got washed up in a storm.

Didn't think it was worth mentioning,
sir. Yes, sir.

What is it, Finch? I suppose we couldn't
take her with us, could we, sir?

Well, uh... How about it, Matthew?

Well, I don't think the ship's company
is mine at all.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, thank you, sir. Now, come on,
everybody.

Come on. In we go.

Hold tight, Miss Elsa.

Come on.

Poor

fellows.

Still, if it had been one of ours, it
would have meant the Russian front for

Look over there, chief!