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So I send in the form, and if
my mom wants to meet me too,

- then we meet?
- Yeah.

And if she doesn't want to meet me,

then I get to feel that hot sting
of rejection all over again.

What a fun adventure this all is.

You know what is fun? You coming with
me to my first day on my new show.

"BoJack Horseman in F.H.B.A.
Los Angeles,

starring BoJack Horseman
as 'the Judge.'"

What is F.H.B.A.?

I think it's one of those shows about
Navy sex crimes that have gone cold?

And there may be numbers or something?
Then, they call "the Judge."

I'm just excited to
get out of the house.

I've been getting really fidgety
cooped up on that hill.

Like I got tiny little
bumps crawling around

on the inside of my skin, you know?

Totally. Look at this guy, texting
in the middle of the intersection.

You have been judged
to be a shitty driver.

I'm the Judge. I sentence
you to kiss my ass.

Boom!

You got "judged."

It feels good to be a
dramatic actor again.

To make someone laugh
is a craft, to be sure,

but to make someone cry, on
purpose, that is a precious gift.

Hey, I'm Miles, the production intern.
Can I get you anything? Water?

That's so sweet of you.

Actually, that's so his job of him.

- Hey, PA, whose name I already forgot.
- It's Miles, and I'm an intern.

Still not interested. Can you take
my daughter to "video village"?

I wanna make sure she sees
me at my most awesome,

which is with a slightly high angle
to avoid appearance of a double chin.

Note to director.

- Right this way.
- Okay.

Quiet!

Rolling!

Previously on F.H.B.A. Los Angeles...

I may be a human rights lawyer, but
those skanks are human wrongs.

I'll tell you the same thing I
tell kids in the cancer ward.

I'm not here to make friends.

I'm here to win and/or cure cancer.

Tonight, the girls return
from Booty Boot Camp

and face new judge, BoJack Horseman.

Will BoJack turn the other cheek,

or is this the week the
booties hit the floor?

This is Felicity Huffman's
Booty Academy: Los Angeles!

Um... what's all this then?

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On Booty Academy, we're here to find out

who's got the right behind and
who's going to be left behind.

BoJack, do you have anything you'd
like to say to the contestants

before we give our verdict?

No, I'm good.

Very well. Calliope, you are
"ready for this jelly."

You can stay another week.

"Tasha, our 'anaconda don't want none."

Cover up your bottom and go.

No!

Your booty's been adjudicated!

Cut!

This is bullshit!

- Callin' my manager!
- Remind me what this show is?

- I know, remind me?
- ...my publicist!

Felicity Huffman's Booty Academy.

It was supposed to be

Felicity Huffman's Future
Leaders of America,

but it got retooled a
little by the network.

So are we judging who
has the best booty?

Whoa, BoJack, no. That is so degrading.

So if it's not about their butts, then
why is the other judge Sir Mix-A-Lot?

Because I'm an honest
and impartial judge.

And if there's one thing I'm famous
for, it's that I cannot lie.

Yeah, I guess that would
be the one thing.

Hey, can we go home now?

Being around all these skinny L.A.
ladies makes me feel like a blob.

Well, I gotta shoot for,
like, ten more hours.

Are you serious?

Apparently, it takes three hours to set
up the "badonka-donka-dobstacle course."

So making TV is like a full-time job?
Then why is it so bad?

I just assumed people weren't trying.

Uh, I don't mean to butt in here, but
shouldn't your daughter be in school?

Shouldn't you be "Sir
Minding-Your-Own-Business-A-Lot"?

I graduated early and took a gap year.

My friend Maryssa is
backpacking through Europe,

but lucky me, I get to hang out
in this butt-infested warehouse.

Oh. All right.

Someone better be checking the
pH levels of that Jacuzzi

because these bitches are basic.

Hey, you wanna explore the back lot?

They got a whole area that was built
to look like downtown Toronto.

That's where they shoot the
stuff set in New York.

Are you allowed to just leave the set?

What are they gonna do? Dock my pay?

I'm an intern. They don't pay me.
I got all the power!

Princess Carolyn, you are
going to love Stilton Acres.

We have a sauna and a tennis
court and a giant hedge maze.

And if you make it all the way through
the maze, you get some sugar water.

And you're gonna love the
Feast of Saint Squeaky.

It's the holiest of all mouse holidays.

We prepare a feast of Swiss...

Because it's the holiest of all cheeses?

Because it was all our
ancestors could carry

when they were trying to
escape for their lives.

Oh... because it has holes!

- That's very funny.
- Thanks.

I really want you and my
parents to get along.

They can be kind of a lot,
especially around the holidays.

I'm sure I'm going to love them.

And they're gonna love me.
I'm Princess Carolyn!

I'm sure they will too.

But let's wait until after they love you

to tell them about, you know, Philbert.

Of course. But what about her?

Don't worry. She's on her phone.

Unless Ralph and Princess Carolyn's
secret baby starts to trend,

she won't notice anything we do or say.

Stefani? Stefani?

Whoa.

Katrina! Just the person
I wanted to talk to!

- How's hotel life?
- Marvelous!

Room service, tiny ketchup bottles,
handy list of cable channels.

Now I know why so many
people like being homeless.

- Mr. Peanutbutter, that's not...
- On the phone, darling.

Well, I just found you the perfect
new campaign headquarters.

I'm gonna sign the lease now,

unless you think of a
reason I shouldn't.

Nothing comes to mind.

Great! It's done. Now, what did
you wanna talk to me about?

- I'm dropping out of the race.
- What?!

Woodchuck's a better
leader than I'll ever be.

This election is about bigger
things than just you and Woodchuck.

What is it about then?

It's about hope, and freedom,
and powerful lobbyists

who pay me to elect a
governor I can control

so we can get legislation passed that
allows them to build private prisons

on what are now protected wetlands.

Well, hopefully those evil lobbyists
can find some other puppet

to do their bidding.

Why would you hope that?

I'm done running for
governor, so you're fired.

No hard feelings, right?

You idiot. I will end you!

Bye, Cruella!

- Hello.
- Stefani!

- Hello.
- Oh, darling, you're home.

- Nice to meet you.
- Princess Carolyn!

- Hello.
- I'm Poppy! This is my wife, Mimi.

And this is our son, Sissy.

And this is my wife, Missy.

And the boys, Tweeds,
Nantucket, and Loophole!

Ugh.

It's so wonderful to meet you all!

- Can I get you a cocktail?
- Oh. No, thank you.

- Wine?
- That's all right.

I will consider it a personal affront
if you won't at least have a beer.

- I shouldn't.
- What about a very caffeinated coffee?

- No.
- Raw shellfish?

- Not tonight.
- Cigarette?

- I don't smoke.
- That's okay.

You can just stand
around me while I smoke.

- No, I don't want to.
- Cocaine, then?

I so appreciate that,
and I hate to be rude,

but I really don't think
it's a good idea.

Would you like me to punch
you in the belly real quick

so you remember what
it's like to be alive?

That's a rich person thing.

Oh, I know. I grew up
around rich people.

But I'm actually good, as
far as belly-punchings go.

Well, can I at least offer you a
ride on our private rollercoaster?

Surely, there's no reason you
wouldn't want to do that.

- So if you decline, I will be offended.
- Oh.

Also, not that it's relevant,

but the rollercoaster is
specifically discouraged

for children under five
and pregnant women.

But since you are neither of those,

obviously, there's no reason
you will not want to ride

on our family's really
fun rollercoaster.

- Okay, look, the truth is...
- Hey, Dad!

Why don't you tell Princess Carolyn
one of your great golf stories?

- Say, there's an idea.
- Yes!

So here I am with a mashie
when what I need is a niblick.

Wow, golf. Fore! Am I right?

Yes, that's exactly right. Golf.

Californians, this is an endorsement!

My message is simple.

If you want to vote Peanutbutter,
vote Coodchuck-Berkowitz

because a vote for Coodchuck-Berkowitz
is a vote for Peanutbutter.

Uh...

Since Peanutbutter likes
Coodchuck-Berkowitz.

So if you like Coodchuck-Berkowitz,
vote like Mr. Peanutbutter...

- Excuse me...
- ...for Woodchuck Coodchuck-Berkowitz.

So if we want to vote for
Woodchuck, we should vote for you?

- No.
- Yes.

- By voting for Woodchuck.
- Thank you, Mr. Peanutbutter.

I look forward to moving past

the political divisiveness
of this campaign

and finally focusing on the issues.

What's with the gorilla feet?

As I've explained before,

my hands were crushed during
the fracking incident.

There were no hand transplants
readily available,

but gorilla feet are somewhat hand-like.

So I am using them temporarily

while my doctors find me
more suitable replacements.

They sure made a monkey out of you, huh?

They did no such thing.

Gorillas are apes.

I feel that went pretty well.

Yes, well, thank you for
dropping out of the race.

Rest assured, under my stewardship,
the state will be in good...

- You were gonna say "hands" weren't you?
- Ugh.

So, what's next for us two amigos?

Mr. Peanutbutter, we don't need
your help on the campaign.

We are running virtually unopposed. I
think our team can handle it from here.

Wha-wha-wha-what?

The best way you can help us is
to go back to your regular life

and stay out of politics forever.

So this chapter of my life is over?
Doggy, doggy. What now?

Coochy-coochy-coochy...

Hey, Mom. You got something in the mail.

Have I received any
gentleman callers today?

I'm expecting a visit
from Corbin Creamerman.

You know what? I'll check.

You could learn a thing or
two from him, Henrietta!

Mm-hmm.

- Hey, where have you been?
- I'll make coffee.

Oh, uh...

well, Miles actually took
me to check out UCLA.

He took me to a party, and I got
to sleep in a dorm room, and...

Wow, look at the time. That's
enough questioning of me,

and where I've been, and what
I've been doing. See ya later!

Hold up. Did you and that
PA hook up last night?

BoJack! We didn't just hook up.

Miles is a really interesting soul,

- and I feel like we connected.
- Oh, boy. Okay. Sit down.

Hollyhock, you are never gonna
hear from that guy again.

Okay, actually, I am,

because when I left his
dorm he said he would,

and I quote, "Definitely text me."

Oh, wow, I didn't realize.

Should we plan the wedding for you

and teenage-boy-you-slept-with
who-said-he-would-definitely-text-you"?

Very funny.

Believe me, I take no
pleasure in telling you this,

but that kid is never, ever, ever...

Ooh! BoJack...

Hollyhock, it is very rude to interrupt.

Now, where was I?

Right. You'll never ever
hear from this guy again.

- But, I...
- Ba-ba-ba!

In fact, if he texts you, I
will do a hundred pushups.

That's how sure I am, since
there is no possible way...

"Had a great time last night.
Kilometers."

"Kilometers"?

It's an inside joke
between me and Miles.

Not inside enough. I figured
it out and it's dumb.

Ooh.

He wants to take me to a party tonight.

Shouldn't you be doing pushups?

Nope, can't. Impossible.

Anyone who says they
did a pushup is lying.

That him canceling? Classic move.

No, he wants to spend the day together.

Oh. Well, you wanna
have breakfast first?

I got a box of crullers,
of which one remains.

Nah, I'm good with this coffee.

I'll be home for dinner, though. Bye!

Okay.

Forty-six, 47...

Ah! I could do this all day.

We have gathered in Todd's new apartment
to discuss the future of PB Livin'.

You told me this was an intervention

to get Todd to stop coming
up with awful ideas.

That was a pretense to
get you to show up.

- What?
- It was Todd's idea.

What else you got, Todd?

Well, I got this one thing. I don't
know. It might be pretty dumb.

- You bite your tongue.
- Yes, bite it all the way off!

All your ideas are beyond terrible.

Well, in that case, I guess I must
have "terrible" business instincts.

- You do!
- Because I wanna hear it.

They say "the devil's in the
details," so let's summon the devil!

Okay, so you know how hard it is

- to get your kids to go to the dentist?
- I don't.

But what if dentists
had a friendlier face?

Ooh!

What if you could take your
kids to a dentist's office

where all the dentists were clowns?

- What?!
- Kids love clowns!

- Do kids love clowns?
- Actually...

Don't they? Who else
would clowns be for?

Because adults don't love clowns.

That is true. Adults find
clowns creepy and off-putting.

So kids must love clowns,

because otherwise, why
would there be clowns?

That is sound logic. Okay.

I want these clown dentists
laughing maniacally

as they drill into the teeth of
America's children, starting yesterday!

As someone who does have
children, I have to say,

a lot of kids are actually
terrified of clowns!

Are they? Hm.

That would have been helpful
information before I committed.

But my word is my bond and I
already said yes, didn't I?

Okay, so do we find dentists
and train them to be clowns,

or do we get clowns and
train them to be dentists?

Why don't we get clowns and dentists
and they can train each other?

Oh, somebody call the police
department, because you are on fire!

Aw, jeez.

And without missing a beat, I say,

"Well, when life gives you
lemons, make an Arnold Palmer."

It's been so wonderful getting to
know you all these last few days.

We're so happy to have you.
Now, let the festivities begin.

- Sissy, hand out those cat ears.
- Cat ears?

- And this is for you.
- I want those.

See, the feast is about remembering

the ancient tale of a
heroic mouse named Squeaky.

And we always start by wearing cat ears
and singing the song of Squeaky's enemy,

the cat tyrant, King Pusspuss.

Looks like Princess Carolyn won't
need any cat ears to look evil.

Okay, that's actually a stereotype.
Cats do take baths.

Darling, licking yourself
does not qualify.

Aw, come on, it was funny.

Oh! Right in the cat gut!

Hooray!

Sorry, it gets a little graphic.

I really wish you'd told me your
family's holiday was so anti-cat.

It's just an old story about one
bad cat. It's not about every cat.

- Death to all cats!
- Whoo-hoo!

- All right!
- I forgot about that part.

It's kinda like church.

You say the words so many times,
you forget what they mean.

Oh-hh...

- Agh!
- Hello, Hollyhock.

Oh, come on. Wait there. There's
a spare bulb in the kitchen.

I've been sitting in that chair for
five hours waiting to do this.

Agh, damn it! Son-of-a...! What?

- Hello, Hollyhock.
- What are you trying to do?

I'm trying to keep you out of trouble
with a showman's flair for the dramatic.

I texted you I was gonna be home late.

You don't tell me when you're home late.

This is my house. You
need to ask permission.

- What? You're not my dads.
- I'm just looking out for you.

You spent four days with
this kid, I'm worried...

There's nothing to worry about!
We like each other.

Yeah, now. But come on, Hollyhock.

He's a teenage boy

whose job is to be around hot
women in skimpy outfits all day.

You think he's gonna want...

What?

No, I just mean that...

What, you think I'm not
attractive enough for him?

Well, you're the one who
said you were a blob.

- Do you think I'm a blob?
- No.

What kind of person calls
his own daughter a blob?

- You said "blob."
- I said I "felt" like a blob.

Do you think I'm a blob?

I just...

I just think L.A. is a superficial
town and you need to be careful.

Well, Miles likes me just the way I am.

And that's the kind of person that
I want to spend my time with.

Hollyhock, wait. Wait. Wait!

I get it! It's my weight!

Yeah... I'm sorry about all that.

Why didn't you tell me they hate cats?

They don't hate cats.

Now I get why you didn't want to
tell your family about the baby.

Okay, I was a little nervous.
But they'll come around.

Besides, what am I supposed to do?
They're my family.

- And what are me and Philbert?
- Oh...

Can't believe she's still pissed.

You shouldn't have called her a "blob."

I'm a blob too! We're both blobs!

How about just as a general rule,
don't ever call a woman a blob?

Never! What if I meet a woman
whose name is Barbara Lob?

And I call her "B" for short. "B. Lob."

Maybe instead of figuring out
the woman blob workaround,

you should just tell
Hollyhock you're sorry.

I still think Miles is up to something.

Why is it so hard for you to believe

someone could genuinely
like your daughter?

Because she's like me!

Okay. Do you think maybe this could be
more about you than it is about her?

Yes, obviously, I have a lot of work
to do on myself. Everyone knows that.

But the important thing right now is
how I can fix things with Hollyhock.

Try to stay on topic, Diane.

Well, an open conversation
about your concerns with...

No, that's too Diane-y. She'd
never buy it was coming from me.

Then why do you want my advice?

I got it. If I can somehow prove
to her what a jerk Miles is,

then she'll have to like
me more by default.

That's the BoJack way.

BoJack, no...! Oh... oh...

Ooh, that's... that's nice.

Goldie, how would you like to
advance to the final round?

I would do anything,
and I mean, anything.

- So I did it. I had sex with the PA.
- You had sex with him?

That's what you wanted, right?

I just said "seduce" the PA.

Doesn't that mean have sex with him?

No, I just wanted you to, like,
get him all hot and bothered.

- Eh...?
- And ready to sleep with you.

Then once you get him on audiotape

- saying that he would sleep with you...
- What?

...come up with some excuse to get
out of there with virtue intact.

That's a lot of specifics you
just assumed I would know.

Okay, well, the important
thing is, we got him now.

Tell Miles what you told me.

- I had sex with the PA.
- What PA?

I think his name was "Eggberg"?

- What? Not him?
- That's the intern.

- You said "PA."
- Did you think I was a PA? Nice!

Why'd you want her to sleep with me?

Not sleep with.

You told a contestant you would
advance her to the final round

if she slept with a PA?

I said "seduce." There is a distinction.

We make a show about empowering
women and lifting them up,

and you cheapen it with
this coarse vulgarity.

I cannot lie. You disgust me.

This was all a big misunderstanding.

Cover up your bottom and go, BoJack.

You're not fit to judge anyone's
character, or their booties.

So it is about judging booties.

- Hey, BoJack.
- Miles.

Don't want me dating your
daughter, you could have told me.

I'm sorry.

Maybe we could've worked
out some sort of deal.

What do you mean?

All right, so I got this screenplay,
and I think it's a really fresh area.

It's about a production intern
who wants to be a writer.

Oh, wow.

I think it could go somewhere if it
got in front of the right person.

So if you have like an agent or
a manager you could give it to,

that would be awesome, and I would
never talk to Hollyhock again.

I promise.

So you were right. He was a dirtbag.

Yeah. I was kinda hoping
I was wrong for once.

If it makes you feel any better,

you were wrong about all
the other parts of this.

Diane, you are so bad at
making people feel better.

Are you gonna tell Hollyhock?

She's a smart girl. She'll
figure it out eventually.

But for now, if she believes someone
can love her for who she really is,

then why would I take
that away from her?

BoJack, you gotta get
one of these massages.

- Oh-hh!
- Okay.

- Goodbye, darling.
- It was good seeing you.

- It was so much fun seeing you both.
- Thank you for hosting us.

It was so nice to get away for the week

and learn all about your
charming little traditions

that didn't freak me out at all.
Bye-bye!

Did our little city mouse have
a nice time in the country?

Everything was wonderful.

And your little companion was darling...
For a week.

But I do hope the next one you
bring home knows how to appreciate

a good Feast of Saint Squeaky.

Well, for your information,

there's not gonna be a
"next one," because...

I love Princess Carolyn and we're having
a baby and I couldn't be happier!

Oh, my God.

Oh, Mr. Peanutbutter, I am so relaxed.

I didn't realize how much
tension I'd built up in my...

Oh, my God! Um...

Mr. Peanutbutter, why is our hotel
room filled with dentist clowns?

Don't be ridiculous, Diane.

They're not all dentist clowns.

Half of them are clown dentists.

Just try to ignore them and
go about your business.

- Okay.
- So, this is the incisor.

Doc, if this is what's incisor,

I'd hate to see what's outsides 'er.
Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!

Please try to focus, Dr. Boing-Boing.

Ugh!

With former rival Mr.
Peanutbutter's support,

just yesterday, Woodchuck
Coodchuck-Berkowitz

seemed to be unbeatable,

but as a new candidate enters the race,
is Woodchuck also "unbeata-Biel"?

"UnbeataBiel"?

Randy, you wily son of a... I've
missed you, buddy! Bring it in!

"UnbeataBiel"?

I'm tired of these politicians
who are all talk.

California needs a leader who
excels in both comedy and drama

and who is beautiful in an
approachable girl-next-door way,

and who will get all the
criminals off the street

while simultaneously finding
a use for our wetlands.

That's why I'm running for governor.

A candidate you can Jessica-lieve in.

What the...?!

Let's do it together! I'm with me!

Oh-hh! Katrina.

- Gadzooks!
- Not now, Professor Flim-Flam!

Of course, Katrina would
latch onto Jessica

as the beautiful face of
her dangerous agenda.

Well, there's no way they
could beat Woodchuck, right?

No? Because I almost beat him

and I don't even know
what a governor does.

That's true. Mr. Peanutbutter,
you've got to help.

Woodchuck has no idea
what he's up against.

You're right! But are we sure
this is the right thing for us?

If I jump right back into politics,
that's not gonna give me a lot of time

to focus on our burgeoning
clown dentistry business.

Then it is definitely
the right thing for us.

This is an abomination.

It's only till the doctors
find better ones.

They're not even hands!

Well, they're better
than feet, aren't they?

What the...?!

I'm Dr. Boing-Boing!

And I am Dr. Jennifer Picarello, D.D.S.

We come with a message from Mr.
Peanutbutter.

You can tell Mr. Peanutbutter I don't...

- Ha! Woodchuck!
- What do you want?

You need me, Woodchuck!

You've got brain smarts, but your
sober-minded policy speeches

are no match for the glitz and
pizzazz of a Hollywoo starlet.

Even a relatively low-wattage
one like Jessica Biel.

He's right. California loves
making movie stars governors.

I was married to both
Jessica and Katrina.

I know them inside and out.

And I'm not speaking in a sexual way,

although it is also
true in a sexual way.

You gotta let me join the campaign!

- All right.
- Great! There's no time to lose.

Quick! Get in Dr. Boing-Boing's
dream-powered smile-mobile!

It's been four seconds and I
already deeply regret this.

- Hey.
- Hey, yourself.

- I'm sorry I was an asshole.
- Mm-hmm.

- What are you doing?
- Seeing how fast I can change channels.

Also, I found all the
loose change in the house

and I put it in
alphabetical order by year.

Do you really think a guy like Miles

couldn't ever really
like a girl like me?

No.

I was just jealous because you were
spending a lot of time with him.

He hasn't texted me all day today.

I've been trying to distract myself.

Forget him. You're gonna
meet lots of guys

who will fall madly in love with you.

I might have scared him off.
I don't know.

Do you ever get that feeling that like,
to know you more is to love you less?

Hollyhock, you are an amazing woman and
you should never settle for someone

who only loves the idea of you.

You are funny, and you're
kind, and you're clever.

Am I also pretty?

I... come on. What do
you want me to say?

Obviously, I think you're beautiful.

Well, you don't have to go overboard.

Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't we go get some Cold Stone?
That'll take your mind off Miles.

Plus, I'll let you drive the Tesla!

Thanks, but I'm not really
in the mood for ice cream.

Well, then, forget that.
Let's get a pizza.

- I'm actually not hungry.
- Oh.

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