Original subtitles

Hey, I'm really sorry that I didn't come to your art show.

Okay.

Is that all you've heard? 'Cause I said some other stuff.

Really? I don't--I--

You know what's interesting?

I don't feel embarrassed at all.

I just feel good.

Good.

If you don't have anything to say,

you don't have to say anything.

Or no-- I take that back.

You have to say something.

(Michael) Hey, you guys! I'm doing it!

I'm walking on boiling steam!

[laughs]

How can you even think about leaving that?

Hey, can anybody see this?

[laughs]

David.

Oh, Michael.

Are we all set?

Isn't...our interview tomorrow?

Yes.

I just happened to be in the neighborhood,

thought I'd drop in, say hello.

Just happened to be in Midtown Manhattan?

Thought I'd catch a show.

Middle of a work day?

No.

You know what?

Since I'm here, let me ask you

a few questions about the job.

Okay.

Um, how many people are you interviewing?

We're only interviewing branch managers

and some lower level company people.

Ah, well. Good.

Out of curiosity, are you interviewing anyone

who's been here longer than I have,

or manages more people?

I don't think so. Great.

One more question.

When you merged those branches, who did you put in charge?

I believe we put you in charge.

Ah, great. No further questions.

Okay, Michael. Okay.

I'm really looking forward to our interview.

And I'm really looking forward to working with you.

I have got it made in the shade.

I know this company.

The other branch managers are total morons.

Hey, Pam, yeah.

I forgot what day the interview was,

and I drove to New York accidentally.

Be, like, three hours late.

[cheerful music]

* *

(Pam) See, I have 600.

Yeah, I don't have--

(Kevin) Hey.

Hey, Kev.

What's different about you?

You look worse.

Thank you.

He got a haircut.

It's sexy. Hot.

Oh.

(Meredith) Turn around.

No. Come on.

No, thanks. Do it!

(Andy) Lull-up do!

What's up, Big Haircut?

You are no longer Big Tuna.

From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut.

Andy, just--

What, just Big Haircut? Nothing.

Sorry, can't hear you, Big Haircut.

Yup. What?

Karen suggested that I get a haircut

for the interview tomorrow.

So that I could look presentable.

And not, as she so lovingly puts it,

homeless.

Hey.

I think it looks great.

Thanks, Pam.

After I had my little outburst at the beach,

Jim was really nice about it.

He just basically said

that he missed my friendship too,

and I would always mean a lot to him.

And I understand where he's coming from.

For the record, I am not embarrassed at all.

It needed to be said, and I said it.

And it only took me three years

to summon the courage, so...

[whispering] thank you.

[knocking] Yeah?

You wanted to see me?

Yes.

The time has come to name my own replacement.

So please hand this letter of congratulations

to Dwight K. Schrute.

But that's my name.

"Dwight, congratulations, a-wipe.

Don't screw the pooch."

[crying]

[sighing] Oh.

[whispering] Thank you.

Okay.

[sobbing]

All right.

Thank you, Michael.

Okay.

Thank you so much. Please.

Please stop crying. [sobbing]

Seriously, Dwight.

Stop crying. Thank you.

[groans]

You know, Dwight, stop crying,

or I'm gonna take it away from you.

You'll take it away from me?

Please, no. No.

I'm not gonna take it away from you.

You're not? No.

You're not gonna take it away from me?

Just try to act normal, please.

Don't--don't-- don't come around the desk--

[groans]

Hey.

Hey.

Um, about the beach.

It's okay, we all say things without thinking.

Oh, no, it's not that.

I've actually been thinking that for a long time.

And I'm glad I said it.

I just--I'm sorry if it made you feel weird.

Oh.

Okay.

Pam is kind of a bitch.

Hey.

What if we leave tonight?

Grab a bite, get a hotel room.

Enjoy the city a little bit.

Uh...

I just have so much paperwork to do.

[sighs]

Wow, done. Okay, let's do it.

So I was wondering if Karen and I could get off

a few hours early, 'cause we wanted to

spend the night in the city.

Why, so you can do it?

Whoops. No, um...

Well, I was thinking that, uh,

actually, we could all leave tomorrow.

And do a convoy.

You know? Oh.

Convoys are really fun.

Pull up next to each other.

Give each other the finger.

Mm. Hmm.

Moon each other.

Uh, we're gonna go tonight.

But we're gonna see you there tomorrow morning, right?

All right. All right.

Your loss. Wait.

Um, how would you moon us if you were driving?

Cruise control.

Oh.

Mine.

[humming softly]

Just make sure that after I leave

you don't move in for at least a month.

Good idea. Give it a chance to air out.

No, dummy.

You have to leave it exactly as is

out of respect for those who wish to mourn me.

Of course.

And give us a chance to identify

the source of that smell.

Just get out of here, okay?

So Jim, who do you think is hotter,

Pam or Karen?

Yeah, I'm not gonna talk about this now.

Pam is taller.

You sure?

Yes.

She has bigger breasts too.

Wow.

But I think Karen has a prettier face.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

What else?

Well, I mean, Pam's face is really pretty too.

It's a very tough call.

Mm. Really tough call.

Yeah.

You know what? Why don't you take

the rest of the day, figure it out,

and then come back and tell me what you got?

Will do. All right.

(Kevin) Yes.

Cool.

I have a project.

There's Jim. My buddy Jim.

Oh, man. So many memories.

So, there's Phyllis and Stanley hard at work.

Toby, you ruined the picture, man.

I'm sorry. You want me to get you a--

No, no, no, you know what?

There's something I wanna say to you

that I've never said to you before.

Pam has actually inspired me to just say the truth.

I hate your guts.

I know.

Wow, that felt so good to say.

Oh, what a relief. [laughs]

I feel invigorated.

Well, good luck on the interview tomorrow.

Oh, hey. Thanks for jinxing me, jerk.

And it's not just me. everybody here hates you.

Uh, okay.

Hey, Pam.

I've been meaning to say something to you.

I really miss our friendship.

[laughter]

Ha ha, that's very funny.

I've never heard you talk that much.

I thought it was Kelly.

Are you kidding? I would never have done that.

It was Patheticville.

No offense, Pam.

(Meredith) You know what?

Don't even worry about it.

Everyone was so drunk,

I bet no one even remembers what you said.

I remember.

I blogged the whole thing.

www.creedthoughts.gov. www/creedthoughts.

Check it out.

Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog.

Wanting to protect the world from being exposed

to Creed's brain, I opened up a Word document

on his computer, and put an address at the top.

I've read some of it.

Even for the Internet,

it's...pretty shocking.

There they are.

The accounting department.

I shall miss your humility

and your promptly-printed checks.

You know, the three of you have always worked together

like a three-wheeled unicycle.

Thank you. Like a string quartet.

Like a fork.

Like...

three finely tuned engines in the same car.

Or a tri-tip steak.

Or...

a "Three Amigos" fan club with a lot of members in it.

Thanks, Michael. Hey.

Do you think it's gonna be weird?

Working with Jan in New York?

No, not at all.

I haven't talked to Jan since we broke up.

And I think if she had something to say,

she would've called me.

Maybe you should talk to her--

No, no, no, no.

You know what?

It's a done deal.

I basically have the job already.

There's nothing she can do to stop it now.

I already sold my condo.

Michael.

What? Why?

I'm sorry, that just doesn't make sense.

Yes. W-why?

Who gave you that advice?

Yeah, Michael, you should never sell your condo--

I have to buy another place.

But you said you were in debt.

You're not sure that you have the job.

I sold it on eBay.

The buyer was very motivated, as was I.

It went for 80% of what I paid.

Sold in record time.

[laughs]

Something funny?

Um...

I'll tell you, but you have to promise me

that you won't make a big speech about it

two years from now. Can you do that?

Forget it. All right.

(Kevin) Hey, Pam.

Do you do yoga?

No.

Ooh, that's gonna hurt you.

That's gonna hurt real bad.

New York real estate.

I started by looking for a brownstone,

like the Huxtables had.

But instead I found this very, very nice place

in Jamaica, Queens, man.

It is on the last stop of the subway,

which is wonderful, because if I fall asleep,

I still end up at home.

It is a sweet one bedroom.

I've a roommate, Vijay Chokalingham.

He's a sophomore in Queens College.

He actually works in the Indian restaurant

right below the apartment.

So free food, and the place always smells like curry.

So, win-win.

How would you like to spend the night

with the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin Scranton?

No, Dwight, I don't care if that's how

they consolidated power in ancient Rome.

No, no. Not--not Michael.

Me.

I'm taking his job.

Not now.

[deep breath]

Goodbye, Kelly Kapoor.

Jim, Jim, Jim.

Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.

Oh. Hey, Dwight.

I'm going to be your new boss.

[laughs]

It's my greatest dream come true.

Welcome to the Hotel Hell.

Check-in time is now, checkout time is never.

Does my room have cable?

No.

And the sheets are made of fire.

Can I change rooms?

Sorry, we're all booked up.

Hell convention in town.

Can I have a late checkout?

I'll have to talk to the manager.

You're not the manager? Even in your own fantasy?

I'm the owner.

The co-owner.

With Satan.

Okay, just so I understand it.

In your wildest fantasy, you are in hell.

And you are co-running

a bed and breakfast with the devil.

Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet.

Go.

$80,000 a year.

Once I am officially regional manager,

my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert.

So I will need a new number two.

My ideal choice?

Jack Bauer.

But he is unavailable.

Fictional.

And overqualified.

"Position open.

"Assistant to the regional manager.

Apply within."

Where do I sign up?

Within. [scoffs]

You're not making a very good first impression.

You know me, Dwight. Dwight?

Dwight is my father's name.

You can call me Mr. Schrute.

All right, Mr. Schrute.

I will see you...

at the interview.

Yes, you will.

Who is D. Abramson?

Um, he's from that company in Pittsburgh.

Michael.

Why...

are you here?

Uh, how are you?

I'm good. How are you, Janet?

It's good to see you.

I'm great.

Uh, can we--

can we talk privately for a minute?

Why privately?

Uh, I just-- I, uh, I don't, uh...

I-I don't like the way that we left things.

Okay, sure. Fine.

Um, why don't you wait in my office?

I have some important business matters

to take care of.

Okay. Okay.

Pam, DEFCON 10. Houston, we have a problem.

What do you want me to do?

Uh, I may need some immediate assistance.

If you would slowly and quietly

gather the ladies in the conference room.

Phyllis, Angela, Karen.

What about Meredith?

No.

She's an alternate.

So how you been?

I've been good. Good.

Good. Yeah.

Oh.

Sorry to drop by unexpectedly.

I, uh, tried calling, but I kept getting voicemail.

Weird, yeah.

I didn't get both of your messages.

Ah.

So, uh, Michael needs us in the conference room.

Oh, is it Jan again?

Hey, uh, before I leave tonight,

would you mind making a half a dozen copies

of Jim's and my sales reports

for our interviews tomorrow?

Uh, sure. Thanks.

I really hope you get the job.

Thanks.

After you ended everything with us,

I went on a vacation.

Mm.

To kind of clear my mind.

Sounds good, sounds fun.

It was, yeah, it was good.

[laughing] I think I should just...

get right to the point, you know? Okay.

Um, I-I feel good about myself

for the first time in a really long time.

And I've made some big changes

in my life, and...

I miss you.

I want us to get back together.

Would you excuse me for a second?

Oh, okay.

DEFCON 20.

She wants to get back together.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know. That's why you're here.

Help me, please.

Would you wanna get back together with her?

No! No.

What do I do?

Just don't get back together with her.

What if she makes me?

How can she make you get back together with her?

She made me do a lot of things I didn't wanna do.

This was a terrible relationship.

You were not happy when you were with her.

I wasn't.

You're so much happier now.

Just go in there and be strong.

You're right.

You are absolutely right, I need to go in there

and tell her that we can't be together.

(Pam) Right.

Wow. (Karen) You can do it.

I'm in a very good place right now.

Thank you.

[Pam whispering] Go. Go, go.

[all sigh]

Okay. [clears throat]

Jan...

We need to talk.

(Michael) Jan is in a different place right now.

And it is a sign of maturity

to give people second chances.

So I'm going to hear her out.

Oh, my God.

[mouthing]

Yeah, bigger actually.

[whispering] That's crazy.

(Jim) Mm-hmm.

[mouthing] Wow!

Oh, my God, can you believe that?

Unbelievable.

Wow.

(Jim) She could put the cup right there.

(Karen) I know.

No, it's fine.

I'm sure it must've been weird for Jim

when Roy and I were joking around.

That one time.

(Meredith) I would never do that.

Waste of money.

In my experience, guys are way more attracted

to the back of you than to the front.

I love fake boobs.

Oftentimes you find them on strippers.

I find it offensive.

Au naturel, baby.

That's how I like 'em.

Swing low, sweet chariots.

Jan looks hot.

Yeah, Jan looks so hot.

So...

There are a lot of things I would like to do differently.

Yeah.

I feel like when we first got together,

that I had a problem with my priorities.

First got priorities.

And if we could talk about a way to approach

a possible reconciliation--

Let's get back together.

[laughs]

No. No, no, no, no.

I'll tell you this,

it is not because of the boob job.

Excuse me, boob enhancement.

That would be shallow.

And this is the opposite of shallow.

This is emotionally magnificent.

Okay, everyone, listen up!

Time to begin the interview process!

Andrew Bernard.

Saved the best for first.

All right, you guys, see you later.

Wish us luck.

No--hey, hey, hey, do not wish them luck.

Do not wish them luck.

All luck must be wished unto Michael.

(everyone) Good luck, you guys.

What did I say?

Good luck.

Thanks.

(Pam) I'm happy for him.

I hope he gets the job.

I really just want him to be happy.

And I know that sounds cliché.

And I know saying it sounds cliché sounds cliché.

Maybe I'm being cliché, I don't care.

'Cause I am what I am.

That's Popeye.

I am going to begin this process

with a simple test of intelligence

and mental dexterity.

What is the best color?

White, because it contains all other colors.

Wrong, black. It is the most dominant.

How do you make a table?

You make a chair, but you don't sit on it.

What is the capital of Maine?

The capital of Maine is Montpelier, Vermont.

Which is near Ithaca, New York,

where I went to Cornell.

Okay, also, moratorium on Cornell talk.

Don't wanna hear about it.

Forget your personal history,

and learn the history of this company.

Should not be a problem.

I minored in history

in the Ivy League school which I attended.

You're not off to a very good start, Bernard.

I agree.

But in another way,

I am off to a very good start, wouldn't you say?

I am a great interviewee. Why?

Because I have something no one else has.

My brain.

Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous.

What is 879 times 413.7?

2,401.647, repeating.

Inventor of the cotton gin?

Eli Edison.

When is the Paleolithic Age?

17 B.C.

Who was the second man on the moon?

Trick question.

There was no second man on the moon.

My brain makes me charming, witty, intelligent.

And quick on my feet.

Talk me through an appendectomy.

Step one, disinfection.

Step two, incision.

Step three, remove the appendix tenderly

so it doesn't burst and spread toxicity everywhere.

Step four, the "ectomy" procedure.

Step five?

[indistinct]

Suture the wounds. Sutures, yes.

Interviewing is about setting traps,

waiting, and springing them.

What is the origin of species? How far away is Venus?

Define scorched earth policy. How do you please a woman?

What is a scented candle?

It is about mentally twisting your opponent's thoughts

out of their heads,

and when they least suspect it, strangling them with it.

What is the Dharma Initiative?

It is the source of all energy on this planet--

Wrong, it is a corporation formed by aliens.

It is chess.

Check. No.

Checkmate.

[grunts]

Your hands are so soft. [pants]

Thank you.

You didn't let me finish.

They're soft, like a woman's.

Trash talk!

Ooh, good one. I wonder if I'll recover.

Oh--oh! Looks like I did.

Time! Nope, you failed.

Damn it!

This interview is over. I'll let you know.

Hey, thank you so much

for driving me down for my interview.

Totally. No problem.

What are you interviewing for, by the way?

My assistant, or...

Oh, you know, I'm gonna have

a "Congratulations, Karen" party,

um, tomorrow night at my friend's house.

Oh, wow, that sounds fun. Yeah.

Is your friend named Karen too?

What did she accomplish?

No, I'm sorry. I should've been clearer.

Uh-huh. It's for me.

Oh. 'Cause I'm gonna get the job.

How remarkable.

Thanks.

[both exhale loudly]

Wait, let me just check one more thing.

Oh, okay.

Very good.

All right, well, I have to get back.

But I will see you in New York tomorrow, right?

Yes, indeed.

Good luck with your interview.

Thank you.

[Jan whispering] Bye.

So I guess we're getting back together.

What happened?

Your advice was good,

but Jan's was bigger.

(Michael) Here's the sitch.

Two weeks ago,

I was in the worst relationship of my life.

She treated me poorly.

We didn't connect. I was miserable.

Now I'm in the best relationship of my life

with the same woman.

Love is a mystery.

So, we have all night. Where do you wanna go first?

I don't know. How 'bout the U.N.?

How often do you come here?

Mm, every time my sixth grade class

goes on a field trip.

Well, I think you're really gonna enjoy this, Adult Jim.

Hey, everybody.

The next time you see me,

I will be working for corporate.

Starting tomorrow, Dwight Schrute

will be running the branch.

So without further ado...

[Natalie Merchant's Kind and Generouson recorder]

I would like to start saying my goodbyes.

* For everything you've done *

* You know I'm bound *

* I'm bound to thank you for it *

* Na na na na na na na *

(Pam) Michael?

Um, maybe we should wait for the official goodbye party.

Um...okay, fine.

But regarding the official goodbye party,

open up the purse strings on this one.

Pam, let's really, really go to town.

No expense spared.

What do you say? Real blowout?

Okay.

* I want to thank you *

Good night.

And good luck.

* The love and the honesty that you gave me *

[music stops]

Who's ready to work?

You win or lose military battles on the first day.

Vietnam, lost on the first day.

World War II, first day.

World War I, two days. Special circumstances.

And that is what is at stake for me.

On this first day,

I need to get the respect, take control, establish myself.

The Battle of Dunder-Mifflin has begun.

[car horn honks]

(Jim) You know, every time I come into New York,

I never have a good time.

It's too crowded, it's too expensive.

But tonight was awesome.

Guess it's just who you're with.

Yeah, we went to The Spotted Pig

for dinner, it's in the Village.

Uh, Karen knew it.

And then we second-acted Spamalot.

That's when you sneak in at intermission

with all the smokers.

And then we went to a bar that used to be a church.

Oh, and at this one bar, I swear I saw Lorne Michaels.

That wasn't him.

[mouthing] Yes, it was.

So what's gonna happen with us

when I get this job?

Oh, do you mean when I get the job?

Well, ifyou get the job...

then I'd move here with you.

Would you move with me?

I'm not stupid, okay?

I was at the beach.

We don't have a future in Scranton.

There's one too many people there.

You mean Kevin?

Exactly.

[laughs]

No, but you get it, right?

We can't stay there.

Yeah.

I do.

Come on.

[exhales loudly]

How are you guys doing? Need anything?

Uh, no, we're good. Thanks.

I have been here a bunch of times,

so I know where everything is.

Know everybody's names.

If you need to know somebody's name, just ask me.

Who's that?

That is Beardy.

Beardy? Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna introduce myself. No, no.

Just--that's not his real name.

That's just what I call him, so...

I am by far the most qualified person

they're interviewing.

Jim and Karen are here.

Which is cute.

They're like kid actors tagging along with Daddy

on the big audition.

Hoping to be discovered.

Except Daddy is the best actor around.

Daddy is Meryl Streep.

Michael is gone.

Hail to the chief!

My first order of business,

make Andrew Bernard my number two.

My first order of business, accept.

As if you had a choice.

[scoffs] Duh.

Opportunity of a lifetime.

[spits]

Three months ago, I was nowhere.

I was just a Cornell grad in anger management.

Look where I am now.

Not bad.

[laughs]

Hey, Hunter!

[accented] What's up, my brother?

This is Hunter, secretary extraordinaire.

Uh, administrative assistant.

Jan in yet? I think she's coming in later.

Could you give her a message for me

when she gets in?

Sure.

Just say, "I want to squeeze them."

It's code. She'll know what it means.

Okay.

Oh, and Hunter?

Could you tell her, "Brr," also?

You showed great leadership potential

at the coal walk.

Even if you did follow it

with that embarrassing personal confession.

Thank you.

I had to make Andy my number two.

It's political, complicated.

You wouldn't understand.

I want you to be assistant regional manager.

Really?

Well, in a sense.

Although publicly, I am going to retain

the assistant regional manager position.

You will be your own assistant.

Correct, I need someone I can trust.

But I would also like the title

to be secretly applied to you.

Just stripped of its pomp and frills.

Okay.

So you would be the regional manager

and the assistant regional manager.

Andy is your number two.

I would be the secret assistant regional manager.

Mm, let's call it secret assistant

to the regional manager.

Mm-hmm.

Do you accept?

Absolutely, I do.

I learned from Jim,

if Dwight ever asks you if you accept something secret,

you reply, "Absolutely, I do."

[phone beeps]

(Angela) Hello?

[whispering] Keep an eye on Pam.

Done.

Hello, hello!

Michael, good to see you.

Good to see you. Have a seat.

Here are the post-merger performance stats

that you asked for. Great.

I've been meaning to thank you, by the way.

You didn't lose a single customer in the merger,

and you still managed to trim the budget.

That is nice work.

So let me ask you a question right off the bat.

What do you think are your greatest strengths

as a manager?

Why don't I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are?

I work too hard.

I care too much.

And sometimes I can be too invested in my job.

Okay.

And your strengths?

Well, my weaknesses are actually strengths.

Oh! Yes, very good.

Thank you.

Very good.

Well, if Michael gets the job, I will be so upset,

because Dwight used to have a crush on me,

so if he's boss, it'll be really awkward.

Mm-hmm. But if Jim gets it,

you should be happy because you have a crush on him,

and he totally doesn't feel the same way,

and then he'll be gone.

Yeah, well, you know, whatever happens...

Oh.

Pam, he's just not that into you.

Oh, I know.

We talked about it, and he told me.

No, seriously, Pam, wake up.

Okay.

Kelly made me realize something.

She and I have nothing in common.

And I need more friends.

Plus, I think we should also employ

a team-based sales strategy.

That's what we're doing in Scranton,

and that's why our sales are up.

Tell me more about that.

Well, maybe you should give me the job first.

That was just a taste. [laughs]

I'm like a drug dealer that way.

Where do you see yourself in ten years?

Well... [clears throat]

I've actually done a lot of thinking about that.

And in ten years,

I am living in a big house with my kids.

And in this house, we have screens on the walls

that have famous art on them.

And I have a remote that works everything,

that has, like, a belt loop attachment.

Or in my ear, like a Bluetooth.

And because it's the future,

I can take just a little tiny pill

and get all my vitamins for the whole day.

A multivitamin?

I don't know what it's gonna be called,

but my point is the future of this company is now.

And the future is me.

How do you feel?

Tingly.

You're gonna do great.

How do I look?

Like Antonin Scalia.

[both breathe heavily]

[sighs]

Dwight is our new boss.

Oh, Michael's not going anywhere.

Then who do you think will get the job?

Karen.

She looks corporate.

Those little pantsuits.

I think it's gonna be Michael.

Do you really think he's qualified for that job?

No, but he wasn't qualified for the job he has now,

and he got that one.

[laughing] Yeah.

Maybe Jim will get the job.

No, it's going to be Karen.

Why don't you guys listen to me?

I bet my friend at the Albany branch

that Karen would get the job.

I bet him a whole month's salary.

Oh, God.

I might have a gambling problem.

Listen up!

Come to the center of the room, please.

This is a Schrute buck.

When you have done something good,

you will receive one Schrute buck.

1,000 Schrute bucks

equals an extra five minutes for lunch.

What is the cash value of a Schrute buck?

Excellent question, Pam.

1/100th of a cent.

So 10,000 of your dollars is worth one real dollar?

Just zip your lid.

Schrute bucks are legal tender anywhere in this office park.

They're fully backed by the confidence our employees

have in this company and in me, their leader.

I got the idea from our farm.

We had a small roadside family store

which sold slightly irregular beets and clothing.

The Schrute children were paid an allowance in store credit.

We used it to buy clothing and sundries.

The prices were terrible.

I still owe my great-aunt

thousands of Schrute deutsche marks.

Ugh, she charged enormous interest on the debt.

It was very hard to dig ourselves out of that hole.

My cousin Heindl could've been a great athlete.

But he bought a pair of irregular footie pajamas

from the family store, and his legs grew unevenly.

Now he can only run in broad elliptical patterns.

When he would run for the bus,

he would have to aim 45 degrees to the right,

and the natural curve of his warped leg path

would eventually guide him to the door.

But no one needs to know the history

to enjoy the motivational aspects of the Schrute buck.

Another announcement.

Michael wasted an enormous amount

of the group's time and patience

with non-work-related ethnic celebrations

and parades of soft-minded do-good-edness.

No longer.

No more meetings.

Amen.

Instead, today I will begin my first lecture

in a long series of lectures designed to increase

your knowledge on the world of paper.

Do we have to?

Yes. Michael is gone.

There's a new sheriff here in these offices.

And his name is me.

Conference room, ten seconds.

All of you!

I literally cannot wait until I see

what Dwight has planned.

And I wish Jim were here.

What do you think we could be doing better?

I've never been a big fan of the name Dunder-Mifflin.

I was thinking we could name the company

something like Paper Great,

where great paper's our passion.

[as Tony the Tiger] We're grrreat!

I don't know, could be good.

Or, uh, Super Duper Paper.

It's super-duper.

I don't know, something like that.

Okay. Okay.

Thanks for coming in, Michael. Thank you.

It is always a treat when our paths cross.

It is always a treat when ourpaths cross.

So--oh, before I forget,

I wanted to let you know-- if you hadn't already heard--

uh, Jan and I are back together.

So I may need to fill out

one of those love documents again.

You're back together.

Yes, and I am very excited about the prospect

of working under her. Or on top of her.

Mm, that's not sexual, just--we're all professionals.

Okay, well.

Uh, I thought it was clear

in the description of the position.

The job you're applying for is Jan's job.

I don't understand. So we're gonna tag team it?

No, we're letting Jan go.

Listen up. Let's start from the ground up.

Where does paper come from?

(Dwight) Trees.

And where do trees grow?

Forest. Soil.

Right.

We have in front of you here,

seven different types of Pennsylvania topsoil.

Now, what would you say is the most important element

in the production of aboveground leafy growth?

Probably phosphorus, right?

Wrong.

It's nitrogen.

Absorb this information.

Good.

Now, let us discuss precipitation.

Stanley.

When rainfall occurs,

does it usually fall in a liquid,

solid, or gaseous state?

Liquid.

Very good.

You have earned one Schrute buck.

I don't want it.

Then you have been deducted 50 Schrute bucks.

Make it 100.

Well...

Don't you wanna earn Schrute bucks?

No--in fact, I'll give you a billion

Stanley nickels if you never talk to me again.

What's the ratio of Stanley nickels to Schrute bucks?

The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.

Okay. That's it!

Class is cancelled. Everybody out.

No, wait! What are you doing?

I'm punishing them. No, no, no!

Class is not cancelled!

[everybody talking at once]

Hey! Come on!

Let's listen to Dwight's presentation.

What--what are you winking for? Zip your lid!

How is the new boss? Tough.

Do people respect him? They have to.

Do they like him? Irrelevant.

They do not. And I hate them back.

Hey, Prent.

Jim-o! How you doing, man?

I'm doing great. How you doing?

All right, all right. I haven't seen you since

you were at Stamford. Yeah.

How'd the transition go?

It was great. It went really well.

I actually might be working here if I get the job.

I heard.

I'll put in a good word for you.

Thank you.

Fantasy Football is insane here.

Last year, I smashed a lamp over a guy's head.

Wow. Really?

No, I didn't do that. I wouldn't do that.

But anyhow, it is intense. It is intense.

Winner gets $10,000.

No way.

No, like, $500.

And you get, like, a little crappy trophy,

but you're gonna have a great interview, I know it,

and good luck, really. Thank you.

I think I will have a great interview.

I'm going in for it too.

I know you, I do! Really?

Did we go to college together?

I kind of doubt it. I think I'm younger than you.

No, it took me, like, about 11 years to finish,

so it's still possible.

I--no--I would've-- Ms. Filippelli?

Mr. Wallace is ready for you.

Okay.

Good luck. Thanks.

Yeah.

Listen, um, I really did smash a lamp over a guy's head.

But it had nothing to do with Fantasy Football,

but I just thought you should know.

Pop quiz!

I'm gonna name a type of refuse,

and you will tell me whether it belongs in recycling

to be reused into newsprint, compost to enrich the soil,

or regular trash.

Oscar. Cardboard.

Recycling? Yes, very good.

One Schrute buck.

Creed. Bird's nest.

Why would you throw away a perfectly good bird's nest?

Okay, my answer was compost,

but you bring up a good point.

We each get a Schrute buck.

Number three, Meredith. Human skull.

Recycling.

Wrong, trick question.

Contact the authorities and obtain a burial license.

No one wants to bury a skull.

You guys, seriously. I got a lot of work to do--

Listen--number four--

For 20 minutes-- Guys!

Listen! Listen!

Zip your lid, Pam.

No one likes a kiss-up.

Number four. Okay, moving right along.

Phyllis. Yogurt container.

Phyllis, yogurt container.

I take my duties as secret assistant

to the regional manager very seriously.

[copier whirring]

Creed.

This is about 2.1 million Schrutey bucks.

I'll take the cash, please.

Where did you get these? I earned them.

These are counterfeit.

I found them. I'm turning them in.

What's the reward?

No reward.

Listen, Schrutey.

Either give me the 200 bucks

or I'll flood the market with these babies,

making them virtually worthless.

The thing I didn't realize about being the boss is that

it's harder to pal around with people the way I used to.

Quite honestly, I miss that.

And I think they must miss the old Dwight,

based on how stupid and awful they're being.

Dwight?

I just wanted to say thank you.

You were very helpful earlier.

Here's a five-spot.

Wow, thanks. A 20th of a penny.

Hey, it'll add up, you'll see.

Few years from now, you'll be a very wealthy woman.

Oh, I already am, Dwight.

I already am.

So that's my basic five-year plan.

And then after that, who knows?

Okay.

And now, this may seem like an odd question.

Yeah? But...

What do you think about Michael Scott?

He's a very nice man. Mm-hmm.

And he's very well-suited for the job he has now.

This is off the record.

He would be a disaster.

Hey, you!

Hey.

How was your interview?

Pretty good. Yeah?

Could've gone better, I guess.

Oh, well, I will put in a good word for you.

Cool, maybe you should do it sooner rather than later.

What?

Uh, let's just run away together.

Let's run away to Jamaica,

live in a bungalow.

You have some savings, right?

You can pay off my debts.

It would be fine.

We'd have fun.

What's-- what's the matter?

W-what happened in there?

I can't tell you.

Tell me what?

You son of a bitch.

Jan, this isn't the time--

You're firing me?

Where the hell do you get off?

[sighs]

Frankly, it's overdue.

Your behavior in the last two years

has been completely erratic.

Erratic?

Recently, you don't even show an interest in your work!

You smoke constantly in your office.

You spend most of the day online shopping.

You disappear for hours at a time, sometimes days,

always saying you're visiting your sister in Scottsdale.

You go to Scranton far more often than you need to--

Is it because of these?

Whoa, hey, whoa, Jan--

I wanna know-- I wanna know!

Because if it is, then-- then I will see you in court.

It's not, it's not. No.

'Cause he likes them. Okay?

He likes them, and that is-- that is all I care about.

The time has come for you to end

your professional relationship with this company.

You are clearly unstable.

Hey, you're unstable!

(Jan) Yeah.

No. We're all unstable.

Okay, you know what? I'm just not leaving!

I'm not leaving.

(Jan) Not leaving.

David, I did not tell her.

(Andy) It's like I'm staring into my soul

when I look at this wall.

It's like outer space without the stars.

It's so black.

This is gonna look so awesome!

It's so intimidating.

Anyone who comes in here

is gonna have to take me seriously.

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

[laughter] (Andy) Totally.

Plus, I'm gonna hang up some black light posters,

trick this place out.

A glow-in-the-dark constellation on the ceiling.

Mini fridge, hot pot. Oh, yeah.

You know what else? What?

You should loft the desk.

[sighs]

[whispering] Yes.

Now you're talking like an assistant regional manager.

Yeah.

[both imitate explosion]

Bye, Hunter.

Bye.

[Jan exhales loudly]

Good luck with your band.

Oh, thank-- Don't let them change you.

Okay?

[clattering]

So long, [bleep].

So I am gonna give her a ride home.

Let me know about the job.

Actually, Michael,

I think we're gonna take it in another direction.

Good, I'm glad we're on the same page.

I have a lot of ideas for new directions.

No, we're not giving you the job.

You know what? That is actually good

because, um...

I don't think I could take my girlfriend's job.

That's not being a good boyfriend.

So I respectfully withdraw my name from consideration.

Do you accept my withdrawal?

I do. Good, very good.

I am glad we are finally on the same page.

Still have my job in Scranton, though?

Yes. Good.

It's all I ever wanted.

These two...

either one of them...

excellent candidates.

Wow. [laughs]

That was some serious, hardcore self-destruction.

Yeah.

Kinda feel bad for her, though.

Don't. She's nuts.

[laughter]

Oh, man.

You know what? This might take a while.

You really don't have to stay, if you don't want.

Okay, good, because a bunch of my friends

are meeting downtown for lunch,

and I was gonna meet them.

Okay. So...

Just call me when you're done.

Sure.

Good luck, Halpert. Thank you.

[phone rings]

Dunder-Mifflin, this is Grace.

Sure.

Oh, God!

I mean, I just don't understand.

It's just so rude, you know? I know.

I mean, the absolute nerve of that guy!

I am sorry about that.

Oh, just... That was terrible.

No, actually, I think it's good.

You know, it's fine, actually. I-I do.

I really think it's great that it happened,

because, you know, my work has always been

the thing that's gotten in the way of my happiness, so...

[laughs] Yeah.

Well, it's...

[crying]

[high-pitched whining] Oh...

No, don't cry.

It's gonna be okay. Oh, I know, I know.

It's just-- I'm sorry.

It's just these painkillers

that I started taking since the surgery.

Oh, they make my moods totally unpredictable.

Wow.

[sighs] What am I gonna do?

I don't know.

Well, I guess you could come and stay at my condo.

I think I could back out of the sale.

Probably get some negative feedback

on my eBay profile. Live together...

Actually, wait a minute.

This could be great. This could be perfect.

You know, my full-time job could be our relationship.

I could wear stretch pants and wait for you

to come home at 5:15. [laughs]

It could work, this could work! Really.

[faint indistinct chatter]

[as The Terminator] I'll be back.

And I am back.

How'd it go?

No. No, Pam.

[as The Terminator] I'm back.

For good. Kevin Nealon.

Everybody, may I have your attention please?

It is with great honor and privilege

that I announce to you, I have officially withdrawn

my name for consideration from the corporate job.

I know, I know, I know.

"Michael, what are you thinking?

You were a shoo-in." Well, got down there.

I nailed the interview.

And the strangest thing happened.

Why is my office black?

To intimidate my subordinates.

That's stupid.

It was Andy's idea.

You shouldn't have taken it.

Bad management.

Good thing [accent] I'm back.

Ryan, coffee.

I don't do that stuff anymore.

No, it's for me, bimbo.

Kids.

Michael, what happened?

Jan got fired.

And I realized that I could not work for a company

that would fire my girlfriend.

But more than that,

I realized that... I couldn't take a job

that would take me away from this place.

This is where I belong. This is my home.

And home is where the hardest.

Home is where the heart is.

"Heart is."

That makes a lot more sense.

Do you think they'd help each other like that at corporate?

I think not.

So I'm back.

And I am never, ever going to leave.

I am going nowhere.

This place is like...

the hospital where I was born,

my house,

my old age home,

and my graveyard for my bones.

Did Karen get the job?

Back to work.

Still waiting on that coffee.

They say you should take two steps forward

and one step back.

Well, that's not what I did.

I took two steps forward, I took one step back.

I took a step to the left, I took a step to the right.

I took another step back. I do-si-doed.

I did a little allemande.

I waltzed right up, and I was standing right where I started.

Surprised?

I'm not. Exactly what I planned.

I only held the job for one day,

but I'm proud of what I accomplished.

These people will never forget

that nitrogen is essential for aboveground leafy growth.

[emotionally] I did that.

Pam, hello.

Dwight, hello.

I wanted to thank you.

For helping me when you held the title

of secret assistant to the regional manager.

You served the office with great dignity.

No, I don't know what the future holds,

but I'm optimistic.

And, uh, I had fun goofing around with Dwight today.

Jim and I are just too similar.

Maybe one day I'll find my own Karen.

But--you--that is a, um...

You know, not--

A man.

A man version.

But, uh, until then...

I can hold my head up.

I'm not gay.

Michael. Hmm?

I didn't think I'd ever say this, but I'm glad you're back.

[sighs deeply] Mm-hmm.

Thank you, Stanley the Manly.

You have no idea how much that means to me.

(Michael) They say that today is the first day

of the rest of your life.

But when you think about it,

every day is a first day of the rest of your life.

And that was never more true than today.

I turned down a huge promotion. Why?

For love. And for Scranton.

I love Scranton.

A wiser man than I, the great Sir William Joel,

once wrote something that I think sums up

what Scranton is all about.

"We're all living here in Allentown,

for the Pennsylvania we never found."

Well, I found my Pennsylvania.

And you know what? It's not in New York.

It's right here in Scranton.

[inhales deeply]

And as for me and Jan, well, we'll see.

We'll take it slow, one day at a time.

Actually, she's moving into my condo tomorrow, so...

[indistinct nagging] (Michael) That's gonna be a big day.

But after that, we'll take it slow.

Who knows what mysteries life has in store?

Mystery writers.

And even they don't know the endings.

I don't know how I feel about hiring a Sixers fan.

I should leave.

[laughter]

Now, let me ask you a question, Jim.

You're clearly a very bright guy.

Thanks. Always hit your numbers.

Personable, you make a great impression

on everyone you meet. I'm sorry, wait.

So is the question how'd I get to be so awesome?

[laughter]

I don't have an answer for you.

Oh, uh, hey, do you have your quarterly numbers?

Yes, absolutely.

And that, uh, questionnaire?

Sorry to make you fill that thing out.

Oh, no, absolutely. Stupid HR formality.

We have this very irritating HR guy here.

He's probably the only person you're not gonna like.

Kendall. Ugh.

So first up.

There you go.

How do you think you'd function

here in New York?

What's that--oh, uh, great. You know?

I just, um, I really appreciate the buildings,

and, uh, the people.

And, um, there's just an energy that New York has.

Mm-hmm. Uh...

Not to mention, they have places that are open past 8:00.

[laughter] So that's a bonus.

You've been in the Scranton branch

a long time.

What have you liked most about that place?

The friendships.

Okay.

Well, we want the person who takes this position

to be here for the long haul.

So...long haul.

Where do you see yourself in ten years?

How are your feet?

Medium rare.

Thanks.

The real reason that I went to Stamford

was because I wanted to be...

not here.

I know.

And even though I came back...

I just feel like I've never really come back.

Well, I wish you would.

[phone rings]

Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.

Just one moment, I'll transfer you.

(Pam) I haven't heard anything.

But I bet Jim got the job.

I mean, why wouldn't he?

He's totally qualified and smart.

Everyone loves him.

And if he never comes back again,

that's okay.

We're friends.

And I'm sure we'll stay friends.

We just--we never got the timing right.

You know?

I shot him down, and then he did the same to me, and...

But you know what? It's okay.

I am totally fine.

Everything is gonna be totally--

Pam. Sorry.

Um, are you free for dinner tonight?

Yes.

All right.

Then it's a date.

I'm sorry, what was the question?

So I know we left the other day on a note of uncertainty,

but after some more thought,

I'm very pleased to be able to offer you this job.

[laughs] Great.

I'm so glad.

We're all very excited you're gonna be joining us.

It'll be nice to have another MBA around here.

I'm excited too.

Okay.

Bye.

Who was that? Nobody.

You and I are done.

What?!