All language subtitles for The L Word (2004) S05E07 Lesbians Gone Wild.en

Previously on The L Word.

I came here to apologize.

And if there's anything I can do
to even the playing field...

Jenny Schecter. She's your roommate.

Get her to use SheBar as a location
in her big Hollywood lesbo movie.

One more thing. It has to be called SheBar,
not whatever the stupid thing was called

- that's supposed to be The Planet.
- I can't do it.

Going to have to put your friend
out of business the old-fashioned way.

Puppies!

Those aren't puppies!

I don't have rats.

So I heard you got offered some talk show.

I don't know if I'm gonna do it.

Why would you think twice
about something like this?

- It's like a dream come true for you.
- You don't know what I dream of.

Look, I know
that you don't want to hurt Jodi.

No, I don't.

We're going to transform
my lovely assistant.

Schecter, the whole crew
knows about you and Niki.

Niki Stevens.

Her movie hasn't even opened yet,
and already she's out of control.

Well, she's a bit fragile.

Anyone who can take a fragile person
and glue them back together,

that would be you.

And we're here on the set of Lez Girls,

where director Jennifer Schecter
is filming her groundbreaking new movie

about a close-knit group
of lesbian friends living in Los Angeles.

- Let's take a look.
- Go back to ones.

Reset on A cam.

Mark!

And...

Action.

I hope I didn't upset you too much
the other night.

Oh, no.

It's just...

Fuck! Line?

"I... No, I... It's just, you know,
I thought I should tell you that..."

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you. I got it.

And action.

No, I... I know, it's...

It's just that I thought
I should tell you that, you know...

- Well, I'm not a...
- A big coffee drinker?

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Jenny, I can't work like this.

- It's funny! Oh, my...
- Funny?

Screw you, Begoña!

You know, I'm so sick of you
ragging on me all the time.

You know, how am I supposed to act

- with her hating me across the table?
- You know what?

- It's called acting. Why don't you try it?
- It's called acting with an asshole!

Why don't you come back another time?
We'll just get another scene. Okay?

- So, cut.
- Yeah, that's okay.

- Listen...
- Who the fuck is... Who the fuck are you?

- It's EPK.
- What the fuck is EPK?

- It's the...
- The Electronic Press Kit.

What? What does that mean?

- So, the studio hires them to do behind...
- Is this a spy?

No, behind-the-scenes footage
for the DVD extras.

- They're gonna put this on the DVD?
- No, no, no.

- I think we should...
- But the DVD hasn't been released yet.

Okay, you get the fuck off my set.

Hey, check it out.
Come in for hot oil wrestling.

It's gonna be such an awesome night.

- I hope you make it.
- Yeah, yeah.

Jenny and I have spoken to Begoña.
The situation is contained, for now.

But I really want Niki to stay focused,
all right?

I want zero distractions. What is that?

"Lesbian Turkish oil wrestling
at SheBar tonight"?

Oh, my God! There is no way I'm gonna
let Dawn Denbo and her lover Cindi

recruit customers from our set. Okay?

- Confiscate these, Adele.
- Got it.

And don't let Niki see those.
Zero distractions.

- Zero.
- Absolutely.

Hi. Yeah, sorry. You can't
pass these out here. Sorry.

Hey, Jenny, they're gonna need you in five.

- Okay, thanks.
- Right.

You know, Begoña is such a C-U-N-T.

That's very good,
you know how to spell cunt.

Well, that is exactly what she is.

Listen, I need you
to do me a really big favor.

I need you
to start being nice to her on set,

because it's hurting her feelings
and it'll make the scenes better, okay?

Please.

- Please.
- Okay, fine.

But it's only because I'm doing it for you,
and that is the only reason why.

Okay. Thank you.

I'll see you later.

- Come here. Come here.
- What?

Bye!

- Hey!
- What?

- Will you come and visit me later?
- No. I have to go talk to Sam

- and be serious.
- I'll make it worth your while.

- Go away.
- Okay.

Bye.

Welcome to California, Colonel Davis.

Well, it's nice to see you again,
Colonel Smythe.

- Can I give you a hand there?
- Please, Jon.

- Same old Jill.
- How's Joanne?

Good. Playing golf,
enjoying the empty nest.

- How's your golf game these days?
- It's gone to hell.

Too much work. But I still enjoy
a good Scotch in the Officer's Club.

Single malt, right?

- Yeah, of course.
- Beech!

- Sir?
- Captain Beech,

- I'd like you to meet Colonel Gillian Davis.
- Ma'am.

She's an esteemed colleague
and a good friend.

- Nice to meet you, Captain Beech.
- Pleasure's mine, ma'am.

Colonel Davis is with us
on temporary assignment

from the National Guard Bureau.

She'll be doing backfield on our cases
as the prosecuting attorney.

Captain Beech is
on our defense counsel staff.

- You'll be opposing counsel at times.
- So you're the enemy.

I certainly hope not, ma'am.
We all serve the same country.

Well, there's no need to start sweating.
I haven't gone over the caseload yet.

I hope to give you
a run for your money, Colonel.

Well, that's good.
I enjoy a man with confidence.

It makes it all that much more enjoyable
when I crush him.

We are fucked, Williams.
Pardon my French.

Why? What happened?

Colonel Gillian Davis is assigned here
on detail for backfield.

- She's prosecuting your case.
- Who's Colonel Gillian Davis?

She's a military lifer. Hard ass by the book
and the winningest prosecutor in the field.

Remember that hazing incident
blew up at West Point in '03?

- Yeah.
- Come read this.

The plebs who sexually assaulted
some female cadets.

That's right. They were following orders
from first classmen.

The women all filed charges.

And Colonel Gillian Davis was
brought in as chief prosecuting attorney.

She broke one of the defendants down,

all the boys were dismissed
from the Academy,

and West Point officially
banned hazing as a practice.

I admire what she did.
She sounds highly principled.

Read that quote, right there.

"What's most important here is that

"these men were in direct violation
of the uniform code of military justice.

"They violated the honor code.

"Maintaining these codes is paramount
to keeping the military strong

"and ultimately
keeping our nation secure."

That is practically verbatim
the military stand on homosexual conduct.

I'm going for a cup of coffee.

So call in and let us know what you think
of our special guest host, Alice Pieszecki,

who is here with us today
direct from her ultra-hip

- and controversial website, My Chart.
- OurChart, yeah.

- It's a social networking site for lesbians...
- And, viewers, remember,

it is up to you to help us decide
who will replace Kelly.

So, at the end of the show,
we'll give you the number to call,

and you can call in
and cast your vote for Alice.

- Yes!
- Frankly, I think the Internet

is mostly used for cowards
to voice opinions without proof...

- A lot of people say that. Yeah.
- ...facts or consequences.

Well, I think the Internet
is a great source for news.

By news,
do you mean Paris Hilton's sex tapes?

- Well...
- You have to admit, Alice,

with hard news,
real reporters show their faces

- and say their names.
- Now they do.

- Well...
- Well, take Wikipedia.

- Okay.
- Masquerades as a reference site,

but anybody can add
any information they want to it.

- No, no.
- Yes. No fact checking, no truth.

But does anybody really believe
what they hear on Fox News?

I hate Mary Lamm!
Why is she giving Alice such a hard time?

I cannot believe Phyllis roped me into this.

Like I don't have enough to do without
spending the day with Molly, babysitting,

showing her that
lesbians can be respectable,

stable, accomplished people,

or whatever the hell it is
I'm supposed to be doing.

Where are you going?

I thought I would take her
to some galleries

and maybe go by the Lez Girls set later.

- Do you wanna come?
- Yeah. I've got nothing but time

since The Planet
was closed this week. So...

- Are you going?
- No, I'm having lunch with Amy.

- Your ex?
- Yeah. Just a friend.

- Hi!
- Hi!

Ready to go to some galleries?

Yeah, I don't really understand modern art.

- This is my sister Kit. This is Molly.
- Hi.

Hi.

I'm so glad that Kelly Corrigan
left that show. She was obnoxious.

Alice is a friend of ours
and your mother, too.

All you have to do is log on
to snopes.com.

I mean, it's a great source for
misinformation and urban legends.

It's easy.

See, but that's my point...

That's where I know her from,
my mother's degrading podcast.

- May I help you with that, Colonel?
- No, thank you, Captain.

But if you wouldn't mind
grabbing that case...

Yeah, of course.

You can just put that over there.

Thank you.

- Gillian Davis.
- Tasha Williams.

I see you've been in combat, Williams.
Afghanistan or Iraq?

Iraq, ma'am, 18 months.

We have a lot of women
over there on the front lines.

Must have seen your share of bullets fly.

Yeah, my company was engaged
in the direct line of fire quite a few times.

The closest I have ever been
to direct fire was Panama, '89.

Lawyers don't exactly get to see
a lot of action.

Will you do another tour?

My company is deployed in Iraq right now.

- I've been held back.
- Were you injured?

No, ma'am.

I'm being reviewed for separation.

- On what violation?
- Chapter 15.

I believe you'll be prosecuting my case.

This is completely
a breach of protocol, Williams.

You know we aren't supposed to be
engaged in any conversation

- until the hearing.
- I'm sorry, Colonel.

- I was just trying to give you a hand.
- You are dismissed, Captain.

Well, it looks like
we've got our topic of the day,

"The Internet, do we believe it?"
Stay tuned. We'll be right back.

Okay, Alice, so,
you don't have to try and fill Kelly's shoes.

We're not necessarily
looking for controversy.

Was I too controversial?
'Cause I thought...

No, no, we just don't need
another loose cannon.

Now your lifestyle, it's your lifestyle,
and that's fine.

Are you saying you don't want me
to be out?

Just because I think at this stage
of my life, it's a little hard...

- No, no, that's not what we're saying.
- No, we definitively want gay.

- No, gay is good.
- Gay is good.

Gay brings ratings in daytime.

You know,
we just want the right kind of gay.

- Yeah, like fun gay. Not angry gay.
- Fun gay?

Gay gossip, gay lifestyle, you know, fun.

We loved that Daryl Brewer
stunt that you pulled.

Seriously, that was
some of your best work.

We're looking for things like that.

Little insider tidbits about famous people
who are in the closet.

We kind of figured you would have
one of those on every episode.

So you want me to out people?

- On every episode?
- That would be sensational.

- That is, only if you want the job.
- Here we go!

And we're back in 5, 4, 3, 2...

Welcome back to The Look.

For those of you who are just joining us,
our topic today is the Internet.

Is it a great source of news

or is it a trendy source
of speculation and gossip?

Yeah, but I think what you're missing
is the Internet gave people,

you know, the chance to go out
and seek different sources of information.

Well, isn't that what
TheirChart does, Alice?

It offers an alternative point of view.

Yes, it does do that. That is
one of the things that OurChart does,

- and many other things.
- So, for example,

the personal details
of celebrities' sex lives

would be part of that
alternative point of view, I assume.

Well, yes, the Internet is

known for revealing people's
hidden sexual identities. Yeah.

- What have you got?
- Tell us.

Yeah, that's something
I would love to bring to The Look.

- I would love to do that.
- Atta girl. All right.

- Come on, give us something!
- Yeah, come on!

- Dish, dish, dish!
- Dish, dish, dish!

- Okay, now is a good time?
- Yeah.

Okay.

What do I have for you? Okay, okay.

- Do tell.
- I know what you're looking for.

Okay, which Hollywood little,
Maxim-endorsed, gorgeous little starlet

is a little bit closer to her role
as a Sapphic sister

in Hollywood's new
girl-on-girl smooch fest?

- It's all I'm gonna say.
- It's time to stop now.

- So maybe you'll have to tell us next time.
- I'm gonna tease you.

You are bad!

I am gonna tease you. Thank you.

- That was fun.
- That was easy.

- Fun gay!
- Fun gay!

- Here you go.
- Hi.

- Oh, my gosh, hi!
- Hi.

Hey. How are you?

Can you just tell them
that we need to talk for a second?

Yeah, yeah.

Everyone, can you guys just scooch out
for one sec, please?

- Booty call!
- No, we're rehearsing. It's true.

- What were you guys doing?
- She was checking you out.

- No, she was not checking me out.
- I'm a little jealous. Yes, yes.

She was...

- Hi. How are you?
- Hi.

I came in here 'cause

- Tina wanted me to come and talk to you.
- Really? Tina did?

- Yeah.
- She wanted us to do this?

Well, she actually said

maybe we shouldn't be so obvious on set.

We should try to be
a little more subtle about things, but...

- Is this subtle?
- Yeah, that's really... That's really good.

I think this is exactly
what she's talking about.

Guys, I can handle the situation.
There is no reason to freak out.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I'm managing an actress
who is about to go through the roof,

and she just got outed
on national television!

And who is this Alice Pieszecki?
Do you even know this person?

And who is handling security?

We've completely
tightened security, okay?

That should have been done already.

Look, I've talked to our legal department,
and I've talked to our publicists.

We are going to issue a press release
stating that Gretchen Pickles

- is the only gay cast member.
- Gretchen Pickles.

The press is not gonna get
anywhere near Niki.

- Okay?
- Good.

Because if this gets out,
I will personally blame you.

- Tina, can I talk to you for a minute?
- Then I will blame you.

Excuse me, you guys.
We're shooting right now.

This is our DP. I have to go.

- Nice to meet you.
- The catering truck's over there.

Help yourself to lunch. I'll talk to you later.

- Don't fucking start!
- You won't be working...

Yikes.

God. Fucking managers. What's up?

I need a Technocrane
with a three-axis head.

- You can't have a crane.
- But I need one.

- For how long?
- Three days.

What are you going to give me
if I give you a crane?

My undying love and devotion.

Bette!

- Look at that.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- I think Tina's got a thing going on the set!

- Is that your girlfriend?
- No, no, no.

Ex. Ex, ex.
That's my daughter's other mother.

- Why don't you come meet them?
- Yeah.

She's seen the movie.

Hi. Kit Porter, Bette Porter, and...
I'm sorry?

- Molly Kroll.
- Hi.

This is Sam Makavejev. This is our DP.

She shot Miss Otis Regrets.

- Wow, it's nice to meet you.
- Likewise.

- I'll catch you later.
- Okay.

- Thanks.
- Thanks, Sam.

Bow wow chicka bow wow

- What?
- She was flirting with you.

Don't be silly.

Do you guys mind? I just wanted to talk to

- Tina about Angie, the whole...
- Preschool?

The preschool thing
has been weighing on me.

Oh, no. Go ahead. Come on.

I'll show you around. I'll show you the set.
It's just like my own place.

Hey, Molly? I will catch up with you.

- Don't worry. I'm fine.
- Okay.

Check it out.

Oh, my God!
This is supposed to be our bedroom?

No. It's Bev and Nina's bedroom.

It looks like the children's department
at God-knows-where.

Well, it's Jenny's design choices.

There's nothing I could do about it.
I had to let her have her way.

Look at the phone.

- At least it's not a waterbed.
- Well, I had to fight her on that one.

So, which side of the bed is Nina's?

I don't know.

Maybe this side.

- Yeah, that feels right.
- So, maybe this side would be Bev's side.

And...

Do you have any hard rock candy?

No.

But I have some pot.

- Hey, anyone got a 20 on Tina?
- Jesus!

- Shit.
- What the hell was that?

Hey, Tina, Begoña's asking for you on set.

I'll be right there.

Gotta go. Gotta put out the fire.

The size of you doesn't scare me.
I'm small, and I can outrun you.

Have I told you that I'm the Earth mother
of the producer's child?

I've been here like a billion times.
I'm cleared.

Please just call Tina Kennard!

- I was told to call Mr. Kornbluth.
- I don't know who Mr. Bluetooth is.

If I... There she is. Tina!

Would you please tell the Incredible Hulk
to let me in?

- Thanks. I got it.
- Yeah, thanks for nothing.

- Security's a little bit too tight here.
- Alice,

- actually, you are banned from the set.
- What?

- I'm sorry.
- What did I do?

You went on national television
and you outed the lead of our movie!

Okay, hold the phone, Tina!
I did not out her!

I did not say her name!

- Alice.
- I did not say her name.

- Alice.
- Okay, I just had to, like...

They weren't gonna give me the job.
I had to zhizz it up...

Her managers are threatening
to pull her from the picture, right now.

- That's ridiculous.
- As we speak.

They're being dramatic.
She's a lezzie. It's a lezzie film!

- What's the big deal?
- It's because this is a lesbian movie.

What the fuck does that mean?

We want this movie to reach
a large mainstream audience, all right?

And if everyone thinks
the lead of our movie is gay,

then that makes it a small little niche film.

What the fuck is up
with everybody these days?

Am I like some sort of idiot that I'm out?

I mean, is the joke on me?
'Cause I don't get it.

It's okay. Forget it.

- This is crazy.
- Alice.

Look, you can't blog about this, okay?

'Cause this is gonna really hurt the movie.

You're gonna insult me now?
I am your friend, Tina.

- You know, I wouldn't do that to you.
- Look, I'm sorry.

- Let's have a drink later.
- Yeah, that sounds fine.

If I didn't have to drive
to fucking Long Beach

to meet with the lawyer
who's trying to ruin Tasha's career.

You know, the hypocrisy is just like...

It's a little too much for me these days.

- Alice...
- I have an idea.

Why don't you and Colonel Davis meet

and you guys can talk about
how to keep gays out of the movies

and out of the military? Fun for you.

- Colonel...
- Jesus Christ!

Fuck!

It looked like you were having
a wonderful time at your mom's party.

I didn't see you there.

Yeah, I didn't think you would. I...

I noticed that you were too busy checking
out those 50-year-olds in their black bras,

diving into your mother's swimming pool.

Yeah. Don't remind me of
my mother's total degradation, please.

Can you smile at least? No?

Hey, guys, Tina got us some chairs on set,

which I guess is some honorable
and privileged thing.

So we can watch the next scene.

Okay.

Take it easy, Molly. Hey, Bette.

- Hey, just don't smile, okay?
- Sorry.

You could have used
a better line on Molly.

Yeah, I'm trying.

Let's go out tonight.

- No, I can't.
- Why not?

Because we have to work.

Well, you're the big bad boss.

- Call it off.
- No!

- Why?
- Because I'm old.

- I have responsibilities.
- I know.

You're such a drag.

- I'm ticklish right there.
- Here?

Don't.

You want any kids ever?

I don't know.

- You should.
- Why?

Well, because I want lots of kids,

and I wanna have your kids.

- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.

We can have a whole big family,

and we could go somewhere like Ireland,
get away from everything.

Wow! No one's ever said that
to me before.

- Really? Yeah, right, you're full of it.
- No.

Or we could go to Japan.
You would love Japan. It's so cool.

We got to get the fuck out of L.A.,
this terrible place.

I know. Don't cry.

- Does anyone have a 20 on Jenny?
- She's in an actor meeting with Niki.

Oh, my God!

It's like when you're fucking
and then your mom calls.

Go away!

Adele?

Do you think that
we have to stop fucking over lunch?

- No.
- Do you think they might notice?

- I don't care if they notice.
- Why?

Because I...

What?

What?

- What?
- I love you.

I'm going to give you a hickey.

I'm going to give you a hickey right now!

- No, don't.
- Yes, I am!

- Curtis Beech.
- Hello, Captain Beech. Davis.

Listen, I have a huge case load
in front of me here,

and I'm trying to be as efficient
as possible.

I wanna talk to you
about the Williams case.

Well, I'm not sure
what there is to talk about.

I intend on proving the allegations
against my client are false.

Look, that's just not gonna happen.
You've seen her report.

You know what you're up against?

Listen, I want you
to take my advice and settle.

Get her out before it gets ugly.

Honorable discharge, all full benefits.

- She's not gonna accept that.
- Just take it to her.

It's your duty as a lawyer,
and if you're a good one,

you'll advise her to accept.

Would you hold the line, please?

- It's Colonel Davis, and she...
- Can you tell her to fuck off, please?

Colonel, my client respectfully
declines your offer.

Look at this place! I mean, check it out!

I should open up a business in here

since them SheBar bitches
shut down The Planet, man.

- When can you reopen anyway?
- In a week.

I still have one more inspection,

then I gotta drop eight Gs
for all that shit, man.

I'm going to get those ho-bags back.
I swear to God, you mark my words.

Them she-bitches.

Hey, Niki. Niki.

They're ready for you on set right now.
Niki... Oh, shoot!

Hold on. What is that?

"Lesbian Turkish oil wrestling"? Tonight?

Oh, my God. We're going. Jenny!
Jenny, wait! Look it! Look at this!

Wasn't she there the other night?
Was she?

Yeah, that's Niki Stevens.
Oh, my God! Adele?

- She's cute.
- I know, I'm so sorry.

- God damn it!
- I know. I don't know what happened.

I thought I got rid of them all,
but somebody must have...

- Okay, it's all right. It's all right.
- Sorry.

- It's not your fault. Thanks for trying.
- All right.

Okay.

What happened?

It's... It's Niki. She's 20. She's like a puppy.
She keeps running off the set,

and it's driving all the other actors crazy,
and it's making me insane.

- Is Jenny... Is Jenny still...
- Yeah.

They fuck every day in her trailer at lunch.

The whole crew knows,
and Adele stands outside to guard.

It's insane.

- Can you hold on a second?
- I actually have to... I have to go.

- Okay, call me or I'll call you.
- Okay.

They really respect Tina.

Of course they do.

I have to get back to the office now.
So if you wanna...

I'm fine. I'm gonna hang out here.

All right. Well, I'll get Jodi
to come down to the set and...

I'm 24 years old. I don't need a babysitter.

- Yeah, I...
- You'll what?

- ...will take her home.
- You have fun.

So Sam's gonna be ready in 15.
So let's have Niki in 10 for wiring.

- I have to go see Niki. I can tell her.
- Great. Thanks, Adele.

Adele, this is so lame.
Everyone's at SheBar,

absolutely everyone, and we're stuck here.

I know. It must be really hard on you.

- All your friends are out having fun...
- I know, it totally sucks.

You know what?

I think it's so lame that
they work you this hard.

I mean, a lot of movie stars, they'd just...

I mean, they refuse
to work past 8:00 at night.

Really?

I mean, it depends
how much power they have

and how much the production
respects their time, kind of, but...

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

'Cause, I mean, I sit around here for hours,

while they're, like, lighting or whatever.

- I mean, I'm just sitting here on my ass.
- I know. It sucks.

Hey, how much time before
you think they need me again?

'Cause SheBar's right down the street.

I could seriously just run over,
say hi to my friends,

and then I'd come right back.

Well, I think I heard them say that they
don't need you for another hour and a half.

Really? Oh, yes!

Oh, my God! Thank you so much, Adele!
I love you.

Hey!

How was the rest of your day?

Why do people invite you
to visit film sets?

This is like watching paint dry.

Some people think it's fascinating,
but, in reality, it's boring. So...

So what do people do for fun in this town,

besides sticking with
lesbian art aficionados

and pretending it's exciting?

If you want you can stick around a little bit
longer and then I can take you out.

- Sure.
- What?

My mother told me
all about your little game.

You're like the Fonz or something
for lesbians.

- Bullshit! The Fonz?
- Yeah.

- Shut up.
- Happy Days?

I know the Fonz.
I know the Happy Days, but...

All right.

I'll give it to you, you're sassy.
No one's called me that before.

I'm not sassy. I'm bored,

but not bored enough to sleep with you.

Hot stuff.

Just keep reading.

Sandra,

what's going on?
Why is this taking so long?

We're really only waiting
for Niki to step in.

Yeah, it doesn't matter.
Niki's not here yet.

Anybody got a 20 on Niki?

- Jenny!
- What?

Oh, my God!

Niki's disappeared from set.
We can't find her anywhere.

I think I know where she went.

She went "Lesbian Turkish oil wrestling"?

That little bitch!

Let's get ready to wrestle!

Hey, all you hot and sexy
lesbians out there!

Some of you know me as Dawn Denbo,
but tonight, I'm only known as Miami Vice.

I want to welcome you to the first ever

SheBar Turkish oil wrestling
tournament of the stars!

Over here, we have my lover, Cindi,

but tonight, you'll call her The Viper.

- Hello, ladies.
- How about a kiss, honey?

Is there anyone out there

brave enough, daring enough,
to take my Cindi on?

I'll go!

Come on up! Come on up!

What's your name, gorgeous?

Tonight, you all can call me Jesse Jailbait!

Well, Jesse Jailbait, say hello to The Viper.

Go take your clothes off.

Do you recognize the twink?

Yeah, it's the star
from Shane's friend's lesbo movie, right?

- Yeah, it sure is.
- She's so dead.

Yeah! Fuck, yeah!

Yeah, hey, Mickey, it's Dawn Denbo.
Yeah, I got a hot tip for you.

Jenny, I need you to go in there,

because you're the only one
she's gonna listen to.

Tina, come on. Don't go in there.
You're a traitor if you do.

Niki Stevens is in there rolling around
in a vat of hot oil, okay?

She's costing my production company
hundreds of thousands of dollars

every single minute she's in there.
Plus, she's under-fucking-age.

The fucking paparazzi? I am so screwed!

I am so fucked. Excuse me.

Yeah, Los Angeles Police Department.
I'll hold.

Yeah, I wanna report a night club
serving alcohol to minors.

- I like it.
- It's...

I believe the winner is...

- That is fucked up.
- ... Jesse Jailbait!

Thank you very much.

It's not fucked up. That's amazing.

Who's next for Jailbait?

Niki! Niki!

You know how much money
you're costing me? Come here!

Hi! Hi!

You wanna come back to set?
Because we're just shooting right now,

- so we might wanna finish up the scene.
- No, no, no, come on. Get in here.

It's so much fun. Yeah.

- Come on.
- No, thanks though.

You know what? I think you're gonna
have to come in here and fight me.

- No.
- Wait a minute,

I think I heard a challenge.

- That's right, you did.
- Go in and get her.

- What?
- Get her!

- I don't...
- Get her out!

Come on, come on, fight me.

All right, let's get her in.

- You asked for it.
- Come on, beautiful. Step in the ring!

- Take it off!
- Take it off!

Keep going!

Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about.

Unbelievable!

Come on! Fucking headlock her!

I didn't realize you liked this.

This is awesome!

You don't think
that's a little bit degrading?

You don't see my mother in there, do you?

- Keep it going!
- Get her down!

- Come on!
- Hey, Molly, you want a drink?

- Yes.
- What?

- Tequila.
- Okay.

Beat her!

Yeah!

Thank you for coming
all the way out here, Alice.

Although I must say
I was expecting you a bit earlier.

Well, I came as soon as I could.
I do have a life.

Yes, a life that you live pretty loudly.

That's me. Out and proud.

So, what did you want
to talk to me about?

Well, I am the recorder in
the Captain Tasha Williams hearing,

and I have a few questions to ask you.

Well, Tasha and I are just friends,
acquaintances really.

I don't really know her all that well.

We know all about
your relationship with Tasha.

We have witnesses who will testify
that they've seen you together.

- Just because they've seen us together...
- We are calling you to testify

- at the hearing.
- There's no way in hell

I'm testifying at that hearing.
You can't make me.

You've already been subpoenaed,
and if you don't testify truthfully,

I'll turn you in to the U.S. Marshals,

and then you're gonna have
a real big problem on your hands.

God bless America!

It's a shame, isn't it?

It's a shame Tasha had to meet someone

who flies her dirty laundry
like a freedom flag

for the whole world to gawk at.

You know, as far as I can tell,

Tasha never had a problem living within
the military's codes until she met you.

Hi. They told me I had to come here.

- I hope you don't think... I would never...
- I know, no.

It was good to see you.

Let's hear it for Jesse Jailbait
and Stiletto Slut!

I think it's getting a little hot in here,
don't you?

Let's see. Who's next?

Wow! There are some hot,
hot women in here tonight.

Here's one.

Hey, how are you doing?
What's your name?

- Molly.
- Molly!

- Yeah, I don't know if this is...
- Come on, Molly, just say hi to the crowd.

Let's hear it for Molly, you guys!

Just look at the crowd and say hi.
Don't be... Don't be shy. Come on.

Hey, Shane!

Fucking...

Okay! This is the
Los Angeles Police Department!

Everybody out of the club.

Everybody out of the club!

Come on!

Niki! Niki! Niki!

I'm so glad you're a fan.
Thank you for not arresting her.

We really appreciate that.

And if you could keep it out of the press,
that would be really great, I think.

Girl, not my party, but good job.

- Did you have fun?
- I did.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I feel like shit. I'm gonna go and clean up.

Do you wanna come over
and borrow something to wear?

I'm totally straight,
but you can keep dreaming.

Come here for a second.

Don't flatter yourself. Okay?

Maybe...

Maybe we could work something out,
you know, just you and me.

You just added $10,000 to your fine.

- Cindi!
- What? I'm just asking!

Yeah, Porter. You're fucked. All right?

Fuck you and your rat-infested shithole.
Okay?

Yeah, girl. I just named the rats after you.

- Really, you like those rats?
- Yeah, girl, I love them.

- It's fucking on!
- Yeah, it is on, ain't it?

You about to go live with the rats.

All your little friends. Buh-bye!

Niki! Niki!

- Hey!
- Hey!

- I was looking for you.
- Come here.

Thanks for taking me out tonight.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Cut.

Print.