All language subtitles for aderam

And then he'll enter from over here. And

you're going to want to stand here.

Probably a low angle, maybe an 85 mm,

I'd say. And then where' the lady go?

>> Here.

>> Okay, sweetheart. You come here. Sit.

What do you like to eat?

>> Um,

poached eggs.

>> Scrambled looks better on camera. Get

her a scrambled eggs wet. Now, when he

comes in, you're very surprised. Okay.

>> But I already know he's

>> You're very surprised. You never

expected that a handsome, important man

like him would come into your little

diner of all places. And then he's going

to sit down next to you. And you're

going to want to get a two shot of them

talking from here. And no, no, no, not

yet.

Get her another one.

>> You know what else I'm not going to miss

>> besides him?

>> Diner coffee.

>> I know that's right.

>> How hard is it to make a good cup? You

just grind the beans, pour the water

over. It's not like it takes a genius to

make a good cop,

>> right?

>> Hey gang, what's for breakfast?

>> Senator Kenny Weston.

>> That's right. Hey, it's good to see you

folks. How you doing? Hey. Oh, we got

the office. Good. [applause]

Excuse me, ma'am. Is this seat taken?

>> Oh, yours, Senator.

>> Well, thank you. Hey, uh, don't mind me,

folks. I just dropped by for a little

cow.

>> Well, hi there, miss.

>> Morning. What can I get you, Senator?

>> Uh, let's see. Well, I will take the

same as this lovely lady's having. Plus

a cup of your most delicious coffee,

please.

>> Coming right up.

>> Thank you.

And what is your name, sweetheart?

>> I'm Betty Bowser.

>> Well, it's a pleasure to meet you,

Betty. Now, is that B O W S E R like the

dog?

>> No, it's B A S E R.

>> Oh, yeah, of course. You know, I once

knew of Bob Brower, terrific tax lawyer

out of Dallas. I don't suppose you're

any relation.

>> No, I don't recall having any relatives.

Don't listen to him, Betty. He's a

godamn liar.

>> He voted for it nine times.

>> Oh, not again.

>> Nine times. You can look it up.

>> Shut up, Earl.

>> My friend, if you would like to discuss

this calmly, I'd be glad to take away

our freedom, Betty. That's how it all

starts. They check up on your

background, then they roll in the tanks

and the artillery. Mark my words,

>> Earl, I told you to shut up. It's not

bad enough I have to listen to you 23

years. Now, nobody's going to take away

your freedom, my friend. In fact, I am a

strong supporter of the Second

Amendment.

>> Like hell. You voted nine times.

>> Sir, if I could talk to you for nothing

to say to you,

>> listen to me. WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE

SLAVES IN SIGN OF A YEAR.

>> SIR, I'm going to ask you.

>> THEY'VE GOT GIANT lizard people running

the Federal Reserve. I've seen pictures.

>> Get your godamn reptile hands off of me.

>> Okay, folks. We're going to move on from

here. It was very nice to meet everyone.

[laughter] No cameras. No cameras,

please. I said no cameras.

>> Project confidence.

Say you think that Washington is Robin.

Just look relaxed. But [music] if the

questioner [singing] attacks, digress

until the question is forgotten.

You got to keep it short and make it

snap.

Repeat it over and over like a rhyme.

Ideas that once seem dense will feel

like common sense [singing] when they've

heard it over 1500 times. But if they

press you for [singing and music] a

statement and you're not sure it's okay,

remember

you never get in trouble for something

you don't say. [singing]

USA

land [singing] of the free

good and gracious promised land where we

live in harmony.

>> Land [singing] of the [music] pilgrims

pride. Land where my father's [singing]

died.

From every mountain [music] side,

[singing]

this land are you and [singing] me.

>> Nice. Great job everybody. And just

remember to annunciate a little bit more

and don't forget to sing on the vowels.

Okay, one more time.

[singing]

USA, [music] the land of the free.

>> That good and gracious

[singing and music] promised land where

we live in harmony.

Another in a series of humiliations for

GOP presidential hopeful Kenny Weston

tonight as a heckler disrupts a routine

photo op in a small town diner. Take a

look at this exclusive video obtained by

our news team.

>> Pictures. Get your reptile hands off of

me.

>> Joining me now to help make sense of it

all, our distinguished panel of

political experts. Thank you all for

being here. To you first, Tom Tishkin.

Is it time to write the obituary on the

Western campaign?

>> Well, if not the orbituary, at least the

do not resuscitate order.

>> Good one, Tom. Rolando Eiglacius, your

thoughts.

>> Well, look, the optics on this are

absolutely terrible for

>> Well, shoot.

>> We should pack it in.

>> I'm with Nick.

>> Not so fast.

>> Not so fast. We've been doing this for 2

years. That's because you haven't been

stroking the base enough. That heckler

could have been a supporter.

>> That heckler was a whack job.

>> Maybe, but he represents a key

demographic.

>> The delusional.

>> Look, Kenny, it's like I've been saying,

this is the perfect time to reboot and

move right.

>> Uh, he has a voting record, remember?

>> Right. He's a moderate, inclusive

Republican. That's always been our

brand.

>> Well, I'm sorry, but your brand is

boring. People want to feel something.

It's like Atwater said, grab them by the

balls and their votes will follow. Oh,

like that's really going to help with

the gender gap. Shh,

>> I'm trying to think.

>> Yeah, I don't know. What do you think?

>> Look, once you get the nomination, you

can take any lukewarm middle-of

the road position you want. But for now,

we

>> No, he can't. It's all on YouTube.

>> They'll flip-flop us.

>> All right. Well, maybe we after we see

how things go with the mega church.

>> The mega church canled.

>> What?

>> They heard about the diner, but I was

able to get us another church.

>> Where? It's a little off the beaten

track, but the pastor's very excited to

meet you.

>> Oh, we should just cancel.

>> You can cancel that rally. You sent up a

white flag.

>> All right. All right. We'll do the

church. Just get it over with.

Right.

Heavenly Father, we are so blessed to

have Senator Kenny Weston and his

distinguished colleagues here with us

today. Please grant them good health and

wisdom [music] as they seek the

leadership of this great land.

Lord, we ask your help in guiding us to

choose the best steward of thy people,

the candidate best able to restore and

strengthen our American family. For we

know it true that a nation is only as

strong as its homes.

Father, we know that this election may

be the most important election in our

lifetime. With so much at stake and so

many things seem to be changing in the

wrong direction lately, help us protect

this precious land.

And in Jesus name we pray. Amen.

>> Amen.

Well, Senator, I'm sure the people here

are anxious to ask you questions about

important issues. But before we do that,

we have a special surprise for you.

>> Oh, well, I sure hope it doesn't involve

eggs. [laughter]

I promise no eggs this time, but in

appreciation of your long service for

our country, our congregation would like

to offer you a patriotic serenade uh

written and composed. If I may be able

to boast just a little bit by my lovely

daughter Liberty,

who as a matter of fact wrote the whole

thing when she was all of 12 years old.

>> Is that right?

>> They all you Honey Bun.

Okay.

While they set out on the ocean, leaving

misery [singing and music] behind,

they were searching for a purity.

Didn't know what they would find.

[singing]

They just wanted to be faithful,

to be free [singing] and left alone.

But when they saw that Massachusetts,

right, they knew that they found home.

[singing]

[applause]

Come on, everybody, put your hands in

the air. [music]

God bless the USA,

the land [singing]

of the free.

That's good and gracious promised land

where we live in harmony.

[music and singing]

Land of the pilgrims pride. [singing]

Land where my father died.

From [singing]

every mountain side

with land for you and me.

[music]

>> [cheering]

[applause]

[cheering]

[music]

[music]

>> She's a stupid fundamentalist.

Exactly. And she's from a battleground

state. Not to mention she's totally hot,

which seals the Bubba vote.

>> Not to mention, you're a pig.

>> Oh, sticks and stones.

>> All right, that's enough of that, you

two.

>> Kenny, I'm telling you, this is our one

chance to win.

>> What? American Idol?

>> What about the issues? What about our

agenda? Remember the new party of

Lincoln?

>> Look, you can forget about your agenda

if we don't get that nomination. And the

only way we're going to get it is by

splitting off the Bible nuts or tea

parters.

>> No way those people are going to vote

for Kenny.

>> Yeah,

but they might vote for Liberty.

>> You still won't have enough delegates.

>> Nobody does. So, we force a second

ballot.

>> This is so corrupt.

>> Oh, I'm sorry if I've offended your high

moral standards.

>> All right. So, Dick, if I'm getting what

you're saying here, we still got a

chance to win this thing.

>> Correct. What do you say

>> about what? The girl is your surrogate.

>> Well, you mean for impotency stuff? I

don't need

>> your political surrogate.

>> Oh,

well, she is very appealing and people

did seem to respond to her singing. So,

[sighs]

yeah, sure. Why not? Let's do it. That

thing you said suffragette surrogate,

>> right?

So,

doesn't matter whether we like it or

not. That's just the way God made us.

Full of the dickens and wanting things

that aren't good for us. Am I right

about that?

>> But just because I see it doesn't mean I

got to have it.

>> And just because I like it doesn't mean

I got to take it.

>> That's right. Now, don't think it's any

easier for me because I'm a preacher

because I am a man of God.

Shoot. I probably got more sins than all

of you.

Now, I'm not trying to shock you. I'm

just telling you like it is.

Because if you don't face the truth,

then what?

You're shrouded in a cloud OF DARKNESS.

THAT'S WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS. YEAH.

>> OH, the young people,

they say, "Reverend Smith, I like your

preaching. I like your sermons, but but

why do you go on and on about sin? Why

why are you always so judgmental?" And I

say, "I'm not judging anybody.

I'm just saying to them,

they can get clean."

Cuz you see, God is a great cleanser.

He's like a a spiritual washcloth.

>> He can wipe AWAY YOUR SINS, BUT YOU GOT

TO PUT IN THE ELBOW GREASE. I'M SAYING

to you, church, you got to get down on

your hands and knees and start

scrubbing.

>> Now, when I was a young boy, upon my

mama's knee, I used to steal some extra

candy if I thought that she won't see.

But mama caught me creeping in. She knew

that I had stole. Said, "Boy, you better

rub it up dub. Bubble and scrub deep

down in your soul. Bubble and scrub.

Bubble [singing]

and scrub. God will bless your double if

you only take the trouble to get down on

your knees with the good old

[music] and span.

Rub it up dub bubble and scrub like only

Jesus can.

I used to be a drunkard who stunk a beer

and gin. I'd wake up in the gutter.

Couldn't tell you where I've been. But

the good Lord put me in the washer and

he spun me around and

the rubber dubdub bubble and scrub was

lost, but now I'm found.

>> [music]

>> My children

[music] down your knees with the good

old [singing]

[music]

dub and scrub like only. [singing]

>> I used to play the ponies

and bet on [singing]

loaded dice.

had even stooped to bingo.

So filthy was my vice.

But with my Savior's spot remover

and a bleach of heavenly

light

dubdub bubble and scrub,

my black and soul is white.

The Lord will cleanse you deep down in

your soul. [music] He'll wash and send

you to your heavenly gold. Well, it's

time to put the gun to that funky

[singing]

bowl of sing

it down with a [music] joyful sound and

let the sunshine.

I [music] used to dance from my kne

on the shiny

pole of bre.

And if a gentleman tipped me big enough,

well, I'd show him some of my

class.

[music]

But a missionary found me and Annie

[singing]

saved me from her diction.

It was rub

dub

bubble and scrub.

He taught me his

[sighs and gasps]

position.

[music]

>> [music]

[music]

>> to get down on [singing] your knees with

the good old spin ass.

[music]

[singing]

>> Oh, good church. Good church. Good

church. [cheering]

Hallelujah.

>> Are there any announcements over there,

Belva?

>> Thank you, Reverend.

>> Uhhuh.

>> Friday is the last day to take your

chance on winning that family trip to

the John the Baptist Water Park. So,

make sure you see Esther after the

service to get your ticket. And we have

[music] a special visitor again today.

Senator Kenny Weston. [applause]

Senator. Senator, did you want to say a

few words?

>> Oh, no. Thank you, ma'am. He's just here

to worship humbly before God as he does

every Sunday.

>> All right, then. I know you're all going

to give Senator Weston and his team

[music] a very warm welcome when you see

them. And don't forget, the ladies Bible

study will not be meeting this Wednesday

owing to the problems with [music] the

downstairs plumbing. and softball

practice will be held on Wednesday 700

p.m. at the high school field number

three.

>> The Southern Baptist says, "God, you

didn't hear me. I said full of grace,

not full of grace." [laughter]

Oh, that's a good one, Reverend.

>> Daddy, that is so old and so corny.

>> I know, but they're laughing, aren't

they? Oh, uh, Reverend, I'd like to

introduce you to my campaign team. This

is my chief strategist, Dick Dankler.

What a pleasure to meet you, sir. Very

pleased to meet you, Reverend. I thought

you gave a terrific sermon today. Really

thoughtprovoking.

>> Oh, well, thank you. And this is my

communications director, Miss Nicole

Lavine.

>> Well, good for you. A director at such a

young age. You must be very good at what

you do.

>> Oh, she is outstanding.

>> Lavine, huh? That means you're from the

tribe of Levi, the ministers of the

ancient temple of Israel. That means you

and I have a lot in common. In fact, I

had the opportunity to visit the Holy

Land just last year. Uh, have you been

there?

>> I'm afraid I have not.

>> Well, you got to get there. Well, you

have the chance. Makes you appreciate

how much we Christians have to thank our

Jewish brethren for.

>> Well, we did let you borrow some of our

books. [laughter]

>> Oh, the Bible books. Oh, that's a good

one, Miss Lavine. You got to keep her.

She's a smart cookie.

>> Oh, yeah. We'll never let go of Nicole.

You know, she started with us when she

was just a sophomore at Brandise. Is

that so?

>> I don't think I want to know.

>> And who is this lovely lady? Well, this

is my campaign manager, Yolanda Jones,

>> who happens to be a very devout

Christian.

>> Oh, it's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs.

Jones.

>> M. Nice to meet you, too, Reverend.

>> Well, before you go, would you all like

to uh join us for some coffee and

fellowship? Liberty has made some

cupcakes.

>> Well, of course we would.

>> Uh, but there is something we would like

to ask you first.

>> Uh, you and Liberty here.

>> Oh, well, we were just so impressed by

your daughter's performance yesterday.

Somehow she just really managed to

capture the spirit of America.

>> I thought so, too.

>> So, we were wondering if she might

consider joining us on the campaign

trail for a while.

>> You You want me to sing?

>> Well, yes, saying. And and we we'd like

you to be a featured spokesperson for

the campaign.

>> I don't know, Daddy. What do you think?

>> Well, uh, Senator Weston and his team

seem like nice people. And you do say

you're pro-life.

>> Absolutely. I believe that life begins

at inception. conception

>> thing.

>> There's one thing that concerns me is

that the girl hasn't been away from home

very much. And I have heard of the

activities that happened on the campaign

trail, especially behind the scenes.

>> Daddy, I'm 24 years old. I went to

college.

>> That's exactly why we would be assigning

Miss Lavine to be Liberty's personal

chaperone to make sure she's absolutely

safe.

>> Well, if that's the case, then it's a

done deal. If that's okay with you is

Liberty.

>> Well, I guess if you

>> Terrific. Well, we all have to head back

to Washington for a few days.

>> Yep. Got to make some votes.

>> But how about you pack up your things

and Lavine, I mean Nicole picks you up

right here day after tomorrow.

>> Okay. [clears throat]

>> Now, who wants some cupcakes?

Let's go.

>> Okay.

>> I made a bunch.

>> A bunch?

>> Yeah. Maybe I'll eat two.

We're thinking her colors would be the

traditional red, white, and blue with a

special emphasis on white to symbolize

purity.

>> I like it. You got any pictures? Here is

the concept poster the focus groups

responded to. We're thinking a silo,

maybe some grazing cattle.

>> How about you put her on a wild mustang?

Nice. Yeah. Catchy slogan, too.

>> No. Are you sure you want to quote a

famous bisexual?

>> What?

>> You know that's Walt Whitman, don't you?

>> Whatever. These people don't read

poetry.

>> If they can read at all,

>> Nikki.

>> And on the bumper stickers, we're

thinking just I sing America. Perfect.

Great. I'll get them working on the

first spot. Wait, do you see the

t-shirts?

Oh yeah.

>> I can't believe he made me her

babysitter.

>> She seems perfectly competent. I'm sure

you don't actually have

>> I should just quit now.

>> Then let him take over.

>> Thanks. I'm not even sure that I want to

work in politics anymore.

Oh, and her daddy.

>> And he's not so bad.

>> Whose side are you on anyway?

>> Your side, baby girl. Always. You know

that. But sometimes you're a little

quick to judge people.

>> I am judgmental

>> sometimes. Yeah.

>> Actually, it's kind of funny when you

think about it. I mean, if he only knew.

>> Nikki.

Hey. We should so get together. I got a

new hot tub. I'm really busy.

Fine.

>> You could have at least talked to her.

>> That girl is not about talking.

>> Can you sit on this for a second?

Are you sure you need all these?

>> I need to be prepared.

>> Well, I know, but can't you just go to a

library?

>> We're going to be traveling.

>> Sugar.

>> Hey, hey, hey. Don't rip it now. Just

let me try.

Oh, American foreign policy since 1948,

volume two. Sounds like a real page

turner.

>> It's interesting.

>> Well, [sighs]

how about something smaller?

>> The Little Mermaid.

>> Oh, you used to love this. [laughter]

>> Until I found out they changed the

ending. The original was so much better.

Hand me that other one.

>> Hey, listen, Lib.

>> Mhm.

>> If per chance you happen to meet a young

eligible bachelor on the campaign trail,

well, you're not getting any younger.

>> I'm not even 25.

>> Well, your mom and I were married by the

time we were 21.

>> You were precocious.

>> Well, I worry about you.

Yeah. I'm not going to be around

forever.

>> I don't need you to take care of me.

>> I know.

I just don't want you to be lonely.

>> I'm not lonely. I have lots of friends.

>> Yeah, but but not a special friend.

>> Not the kind of friend that makes your

heart go Peter Pat like your mom did for

me. You you you never had a special

friend like that, have you?

>> Maybe I need to get out of this town.

You'd have to agree my options are

somewhat limited.

Well,

what about them Sarver boys?

I see them in church every Sunday.

They're good-looking.

>> Carl and Greg Sarver. Are you kidding?

All they care about is four-wheel

drives, fly fishing, and beer.

>> Oh jeez. Well, you know, I guess you're

right,

>> Daddy. I know you just want me to be

happy, but I'm not going to be happy if

I marry someone I'm not in love with.

That's true. But but you don't you think

that your expectations are just a little

bit unrealistic? I mean, look, let let's

face it. No guy is going to be as smart

as you. And brains ain't everything.

>> Daddy,

>> I never [singing] fell for fairy tales.

for the one true love that's found.

That handsome prince soon

to [singing] leave the ground.

I never [singing] longed for lover songs

for the poet's [music]

perfect rhyme.

All I ever hoped for was someone who'd

[singing] spend some time. [music]

Just be a friend [singing] of mine.

[music]

Someone real.

[singing]

[music]

Someone who makes me laugh. Who share

their life with me half and half. Who

will smile in my photoraph. [singing]

Someone who's not afraid to love.

Someone that I can talk to who calls me

up when I'm feeling blue. Someone that I

can make happy too. [singing]

Someone who understands [music] me.

[music]

I [music] never fall

for dim with Dixie queens.

[music] Those tala nail polished fawning

[singing]

female figurines.

Bikini wax and cleavage racks

can't hide an empty [music] soul.

Oh, all I ever hoped for was someone

who's brave and bold. No fragile [music]

flower will fade and fold.

Someone real.

[music]

Someone who's flesh on [singing] bones.

Who's not [music] expecting a diva's

throne? Just a plain Jane or maybe Joan

[singing and music] of Ark. That girl

had balls.

It's [music] fine if she's soft and

sweet. Just as long as she's got some

[singing] meat. [music]

Someone with grace but without conceit.

Someone who understands

[singing and music] me.

>> But what [singing] if I [music] can't

find the love I'm seeking?

[singing]

I am.

That old [singing] friend I can [music]

talk to without speak.

>> The lover [singing] with a sure and

steady hand

[singing]

obsessed with her processed [singing]

hair.

Someone who really cares. Someone who's

not afraid to love. [singing]

>> It's fine if they've got love handles.

She [singing] could even wear socks

[music] with sandals. I'm not expecting

a lifetime.

Just want to understand a

[music and singing] hometown man who

take

me.

Just give [singing] me that

love

>> for [singing] me.

[music]

>> [cheering]

[applause]

>> We love you, Liberty. I love you guys,

too, so much.

>> I just wish your mom

Just give me just give me a call every

now and again. Okay.

>> I'll call you every day. But you've got

to promise me you'll eat something more

than canned soup.

>> Promise.

>> I left some super simple recipes by the

microwave.

>> Miss Smith coming.

>> Just remember what we talked about.

>> Daddy, I love you.

I sing America.

Kind of sounds like that Walt Whitman

poem,

you know. Uh, I hear America singing

from Leaves of Grass.

I hear America singing the varied

carols. I hear those of mechanics. Each

one singing his as it should be. Bleed.

We should get going.

Okay.

>> Good luck.

A dramatic change of political ical

strategy for candidate [music] Kenny

Weston tonight and could one young woman

save an entire campaign? I'm Ralph

Schnitzell and you've just entered the

briefing room.

Well, some political analysts are

calling it a desperate hail Mary pass,

while others applaud Kenny Weston's

recent political rebranding as a

brilliant piece of strategy. But maybe

the results speak for themselves. In

just one hour, a new campaign commercial

featuring the singing, dancing sensation

Liberty Smith received over 20 million

views. And just in case you've been

living in a cave for the last few days,

here it is now.

[music]

>> Let's look [singing]

and

I'm looking forward [singing and music]

to the good old days. A time that's

tried and true. A time when everybody

knew your name. And even if they didn't,

they smile just the [singing and music]

same. I found a future in the good old

days. Now you

lovers on a bright spring day [singing]

while mama waits inside.

Better not cuss [music] or fuss or fight

cuz papa will tear your [singing] hide.

Grandma sits a stitching in her rocker.

And every meal was made by Betty

Crocker. We can go back to the good old

days, but it's up to you to decide.

And Sunday [singing and music]

was the Lord's day

for baseball [singing]

and barit

[singing]

while Missy [music] helped her mother

with a chore for two. [singing]

>> [music]

[music]

>> Hey,

hey, hey.

>> [music]

[music]

>> Let's march ahead to a brand new day

like the ones [music]

[singing] we left behind.

Let us take a page from a golden age. A

kinder gentler time, [singing]

a time when right was right and wrong

was wrong.

>> And if you sing a tune, the time [music]

[singing] I'm moving on to the good old

days now. Won't you join me? Oh, won't

you join me? Won't you join [singing]

me, too?

>> [music]

>> I'm Kenny Weston and I approve this

message.

Heat.

[music]

Heat.

>> [music and cheering]

>> Now turning to you first, Tom Tishken.

New polls showing Weston up by five

points in Ohio. But with the gap

narrowing after his lackluster

performance on Tuesday night, what does

Kenny Weston need to do in the next two

weeks before election day? Well, he's

definitely got to improve his

performance in the next debate. He he

needs to look presidential in command,

but still relatable. Someone the

American people would want to go on a

fishing trip with. And of course, the

liberty factor is going to be huge.

She's enormously popular with both

unmarried females 18 to 25 and the

evangelicals whose turnout on election

is going to be absolutely essential.

She's sweet. She's smart. She's very,

very sexy. Frankly, if I were Weston, I

would let her do all the talking.

>> And the president of Turk Ministan, I

think I can pronounce his first name,

but the second name,

>> you don't have to worry about any of

that.

You're going to be great. Everybody

loves you.

>> But what if somebody asks me something I

don't know how to answer? Just listen.

When you meet the press or face the

nation, [music]

there are some rules by which you always

abide. [singing]

If you follow these simple lessons,

[singing]

you will make a strong impression

and the pundits will come over [singing]

to your side.

Stay on message. Project confidence.

Say you think that Washington is rotten.

Just look relaxed.

But if a questioner attacks, digress

until the question is forgotten.

You got to keep it short and make it

snappy.

Repeat it over and over like a rhyme.

[singing]

Ideas that once seem dense will feel

like common sense when they've heard it

over 1500 times. But if they press you

for a statement and you're not sure it's

okay,

remember

you never get [singing] in trouble for

something.

Think you've [music] got it? I think so.

Okay, let's try one.

Miss Smith, some have called you the

pretty face of ugly politics. Your

response?

Um,

I think can I get a hint of pivot?

Remember, take the conversation [music]

from something you don't want to talk

about to something you do want to talk

about. But what should I talk about?

>> Well, you can never go wrong with the

four [music] Fs.

>> The four Fs.

faith, family, freedom, and

mistakes by the opponent.

You can use statistics

and ballistics.

Drop them like a bomb to clear the air.

The facts are flexible, always

selectable.

One person's foul is another. [singing]

You got to thank God a lot. and your

parents.

Without them, you'd have never made it

here. That's true. Talk about your

grandma [singing] from down in Alabama

who works 18our days as a volunteer. But

my grandma is question. [music]

[singing]

Does that ever bother you? What? You

know, not telling the whole truth.

Nobody tells the whole truth.

>> So don't say [singing] intervention.

Keeping peace. Don't say occent

[singing]

[music]

lease.

>> Don't say doggy dog

>> market forces.

>> Don't say exploited labor human

resources.

>> I think she's got it.

>> Oh. Mhm. I can dance.

And don't say global [singing] warming.

This two shall pass.

>> Don't say air pollution.

>> Prosperity gaps.

>> Don't say detention.

Enhanced cooperative.

>> Don't say we lied. sayments

[singing]

are inappropident

[singing]

[music]

[singing]

[music]

is rotten. [singing]

I'll look.

Don't be afraid to show a hint [music]

of

[singing]

someone

you just [music] pick. Don't let them

[singing] get you.

And if I

make

you never get in [singing] trouble

if you keep speaking double.

You never get in trouble for something

[singing and music] you don't say.

Get out of my way.

>> I can't get this without. Can I get a

little help here?

>> What's up?

>> You know how to do this, right?

>> Yeah. Uh,

>> I just need you to

>> Okay.

Uh, Miss Smith, this won't hurt a bit.

All right. I think

we'll just go slow this way.

[laughter]

You have to stand still.

>> I can't help it. I'm

[laughter]

>> Liberty

Ralph Snitzel. Sorry, didn't mean to

walk in on the dressing room [laughter]

there. Nice to meet you finally once you

uh

>> scooch around here. Yeah. So, so great

to have you here finally. I know we've

been trying to get you on the show for

>> seems like a couple of months

>> and five four.

>> And welcome back. Joining me now, a face

familiar to all of America, Weston

campaign surrogate Miss Liberty Smith.

Welcome to the briefing room, Liberty.

>> Thanks, Ralph. I'm really delighted to

be here. Now, Liberty, let's be honest.

Without you, Kenny Weston's campaign

would have been washed up a few months

ago. You gave him a whole new lease on

life.

>> That's very nice of you to say, Ralph,

but I I really can't claim any credit.

Senator Weston is the one who's out

there every day fighting for ordinary

Americans. I'm just cheering from the

sidelines.

>> Well, I guess every candidate wishes he

had a cheerleader as pretty as you then.

[laughter]

Now, of course, we all know that your

father is a wellrespected pastor.

>> That's right.

>> But what our viewers might not know is

that your mother was a medical

missionary who traveled to some of the

most dangerous parts of the world in

order to help those in need until uh

>> that that's right. Uh my mother was

>> she she was tragically killed.

>> Yes. Um as a matter of fact, that's why

I am such a strong supporter of Senator

Weston. Senator Weston believes that

America should take the lead in for

creating a more peaceful world.

>> Fascinating. We're going to take a short

break, but when we come back, more

intimate conversation with America's

political sweetheart, Miss Liberty

Smith. Stick around.

[music]

>> You really think it was okay? Yeah, it

was great. It was perfect. And nice

pivot on that mom question. I'm glad you

didn't let him push you around and get

too personal.

>> Hey girls.

>> Hi Yolanda.

>> I saw you from the green room. You were

fabulous.

>> Well, that's only because of Nikki. You

want to come to lunch with us?

>> Oh, I wish I could, but I got a plane.

Dinkler wants you back in Washington,

too.

>> What?

>> Kenny needs debate prep badly.

[laughter] Probably not until the

election.

>> But I thought she was going to be with

me the whole time. Don't worry about it.

You're doing great. You don't need me

anymore.

>> That's not true. I I still need you. I

mean, your help. I I'm still not very

good at all this.

>> Hey. Hey, why don't you come with us for

a few days?

>> What? Where?

>> To Washington. You can stay with me. I

have a whole empty house now.

>> I wouldn't want to impose or

>> not at all. I'll give you your own key.

You can come and go.

Then Nikki can show you around town down

between sessions. Right, Nick?

>> Mhm. Nikki,

I'd love to, but are you are you sure

it's okay?

>> Positive.

>> Okay.

>> All right, Kenny. Just relax. Be

yourself. And the election is yours as

long as you don't up. I'm sure that

really puts him at ease.

>> Stay in character, Lavine. All right,

Kenny, let's try one. Put on the

glasses.

>> Hold the glasses.

>> All right. Okay, hit me. I'm [snorts]

ready.

>> Senator Weston,

>> could you please outline your position

on immigration? Specifically, do you

favor comprehensive immigration reform

and a path to citizenship?

>> Immigration. Okay. Uh, that's a tough

one. Uh,

right. Well, Nikki Ralph Ralph Ralph.

Right.

Well, Ralph, as you know, America is a

nation of immigrants. My ancestors, my

wife's grandparents, all came here

legally, of course, trying to make a

better life for themselves and for their

children. They left wherever they were

and came to the Statue of Liberty, where

our poor and our hungry, our wretched

refues, our tired, all huddled together.

Now, Julie's family worked in the coal

mines in Pennsylvania, and mine worked

hard on riverboats up and down the

Mississippi like you might see in Mark

Twain or Huck Finn. What the are

you talking about?

>> Well, okay, you're making me nervous.

Just let me here. Give me another Let's

start over again. Okay,

foreign policy.

>> Senator Weston, some in your party say

that it's time for America to scale back

its military commitments around the

world. They say we simply can no longer

be the world's policemen and they

propose major cuts to the defense

budget. Where exactly do you stand on

this issue?

>> Well, I appreciate your question, Nikki.

Ralph.

>> Ralph,

as you know, America is the greatest

country in the world. In fact, we always

have been ever since we beat the red

coats in the American Revolution. And I

guess I'm just not ready to give that

up. You know, American workers are the

greatest workers in the world. And

that's why everyone wants military

hardware that's from the United States.

So if I'm elected president, I guarantee

that every aircraft carrier, every

cruise missile, every jet fighter, every

surveillance drone across the world

around the entire globe says

made in America,

not made in Japan or Guatemala.

Kenny, did you memorize the talking

points I gave you?

>> Yes.

Which ones?

>> All of them.

>> Most of them.

>> You have to memorize all of them and all

the attack lines, too. Absolutely no ad

living. Just the script. We can't

rehearse until you know your lines.

I thought that last answer is pretty

good.

>> All right, we're done for the day.

Kenny, I need to talk to you.

>> Hey, where are you?

Okay.

With malice toward none, with charity

for all, with firmness and the right, as

God gives us to see the right, let us

strive on to finish the work we are in.

And

>> hey, what's up?

>> Where are you?

>> Oh, we're just leaving the Lincoln.

Shoot. [snorts] Totally forgot.

>> I figured you did. Why don't you just

head over now and then bring Libby with

you? We'll make it a trio.

>> Bring her there. Bring me where?

>> Bring her to the bar.

>> Yolanda invited me for drinks for my

birthday. Do you want to come?

We'll be there in 15.

Okay. Your eyes kind of

[music]

go.

[screaming]

>> Yes. You sneaky that you ever get

here.

>> Did you know about this?

>> Remind me to never trust you again.

>> Let me take your cup.

>> Okay.

>> What can I get you guys?

Um, do you have like ginger ale? Yeah,

sure. That sounds good. I'll have a

sing.

>> Okay.

>> So,

how are you?

>> Fine. Fine. Yeah, thanks. Just [music]

just fine.

Oh, I almost forgot. Uh, I have a

present for you.

>> But you didn't have to do that.

>> Well, um, I was in the Supreme Court

gift shop and I saw this.

I thought of you right away.

>> The complete opinions of Louis Brandise.

Yeah. I hope you don't have it already.

>> No, I don't have it. The descent on

Mstead versus US is really incredible.

Anyway, I just thought if you do end up

going to law school, you know, it might

come in handy.

I don't know anyone like you.

>> To you. Well, no. To us.

I mean, you know, to both of us, not

just me.

>> Oh, shoot.

>> Oh my. Oh my gosh. You're all wet.

>> Oh. Uh, I can do that by myself. Thanks.

Um, listen, I better

>> I should drive you. It's late.

>> I mean,

>> I'm fine. I should really I got to catch

my plane early tomorrow. I should uh

Thanks for a great gay day.

Oh, [singing]

I dare not speak your name. [singing]

For

[music] your name, [singing]

You will hear my voice [singing]

trembling.

Oh, [singing]

I dare not meet your gaze.

For if I meet your gaze,

you will see my eyes.

>> [singing]

>> Then [singing] all

is [singing] lost.

All is lost. [singing]

[music]

Better not to see,

better not to hear,

and never speak your name. [singing]

Oh,

I dare not stand to [singing] knee.

For if I stand too near,

you will feel my heart [singing]

beating.

Oh Lord,

I dare [singing] not see you smile.

For if I see your smile,

[singing]

you will catch my soul

singing.

Then all

[singing]

is lost.

But when I speak [singing] your name is

when I can believe

there [singing] is another world.

And when you're all alone

as I am all alone. [singing]

Do you ever speak my name?

Do you ever [singing]

Do you ever

[music]

speak [singing]

my

name?

Well, they're [music] calling it

Kissgate, a campaign scandal that has

rocked Washington and put this election

back up for grabs. America's

conservative sweetheart turns out to be

a lesbian.

Now Democrats are calling flip-flop

[music] and Weston's socially

conservative base is furious. Big

question now, of [music] course, what

did Kenny Weston know about Liberty's

sexual preference and when did he know

it?

I'm really sorry, Kenny. I messed up.

>> Well, maybe we can just

>> You messed up. You over our whole

campaign just so you could score a

little more

>> You shut your dirty mouth. You can't

talk to her like that. Says me.

>> Well, at the very least, it was

incredibly unprofessional.

>> I just wanted to say how sorry I am for

all the trouble I've caused.

I'm going away.

Liberty, it's okay. Just because your

father's a bigot doesn't He's not a

bigot.

>> That's not what I mean.

>> He's the kindest, most generous person I

know. If anybody's a bigot, it's you.

>> What? You think anybody who believes in

God is stupid or naive or deluded?

>> I never said that.

>> You didn't have to.

Why are you taking this out on me? I'm

not the one.

I love you.

>> Oh, please.

You don't even know what real love is.

It's about self-sacrifice.

It's about

doing things for others. Doing the right

thing, even if it's not the thing you

want.

Giving up your own life for someone

else's.

That's real love.

No, that's codependency. There's a big

difference.

So, you're saying Jesus was codependent?

I knew it. Liberty, wait a sec.

Oh Lord, we ask you for the courage to

change.

For we know that if we come before you

humbly and ask for forgiveness, we will

be born a new.

Oh, yours is a wonderworking

transformative power. A power to heal

body and spirit.

We ask you to use your awesome power to

heal Liberty who's suffering so at this

moment.

Oh Lord, we ask you to fill her aresh

with the Holy Spirit and to make her

clean again.

Thank you, Lord.

In Jesus name we pray. Amen.

>> Amen.

>> Honey, it's going to be okay.

>> I think praying made me feel even worse.

>> But you're going to be all better real

soon. The brochure says this place has

all the most modern treatments and and

and a cure rate of over 90%.

Plus, with all those gay men there, you

know they're going to have a terrific

league club.

I think drinking is making me feel

worse. It

>> usually does. It's definitely not a

happy drunk.

>> I shouldn't have kissed her.

>> It's not like she didn't want to.

>> Well, maybe I just pushed her into it.

>> I really think she'll come around. Just

be patient.

And now, new developments in the

unfolding Kissgate scandal. America's

sweetheart, Liberty Smith, has checked

into what sources close to the family

describe as a gender reorientation

facility. Exclusive video footage of

Liberty now as she enters the Straight

from the Heart reparative therapy camp

outside of Lynchburg, Virginia.

Some say that losing [singing]

makes a heart grow.

Some say [singing]

you'll forget her.

before too long.

Some say you're better off. [singing]

Some say

it all depends.

Some [music] say it's better to have

loved and lost. But I say I never

[singing]

will be lost in this love again.

Oh, cuz [singing] love

makes the wise

ones foolish

and do things

that they

should not do.

And love

makes [singing] the foolish ones

think they're [music] so wise

that all of [singing] their dreams

may come true.

[singing]

I'm tired of the moonlight [singing]

that shines in her hair.

I'm so done [music and singing] with

dancing

in our little pair.

[music] Those sweet tender kisses

that I wish would not end.

Some say [singing and music] it's better

to have loved and lost. But I say I

never

will be lost in this love

again. Sometimes I get so lonely.

Sometimes I [music and singing] get so

blue.

Sometimes I get so damn depressed that I

can't see my way through.

But one thing's for [singing] certain.

[music]

I am staying

on this track.

Unless she wants me still, cuz I would

take her back. [singing]

What was I thinking?

What have I [singing] done?

messed up my whole life. [singing]

I really thought she was the one.

I thought I found a lover,

but I lost [singing]

my best friend.

Some say it's

loved and lost, but I can't forget her.

[singing]

I'll be lost in this love

till the end.

Well, good morning everybody. Welcome

back. Um, I would like to begin by

introducing a new friend. Say hello to

Liberty.

>> Hi, Liberty. Let me begin by saying how

truly blessed we are to have you with us

today. We know how difficult it can be

to take that first step. But I am living

proof that change is possible.

Most of our graduates go on to lead

happy and productive lives with

attractive opposite sex partners. Some

become proud parents and leaders of

Fortune 500 companies. Some even go on

to become important figures in the

church. So, let's get started.

When God made Adam from a dirty lump of

[singing and music] clay,

he saw that it was good, but not enough.

So, he snatched a rib from Adam to

fashion the first madam.

And that is why you girls and boys are

made from different stuff. [singing]

Why girls like symphonies and quilting

bees and pretty please and meeting

girlfriends at the mall. But most of all

most of all girls like boys.

And boys like hockey pucks and pickup

trucks and 12point [music]

bucks and getting drunk with all the

guys. So it's no surprise

most of all boys like girls.

But occasionally

we get confused.

The [music] wires get crossed and the

message is lost. But when temptation

calls, we must refuse.

Cuz if you give it to your nature,

you're bound to lose.

Come on now. Boy, girl, boy, girl, boy,

girl.

And one, two, three. And two, three.

But occasionally

we are perplexed.

We feel no effect from the opposite sex.

But when temptation comes, we must

refuse.

Cuz if you give into your nature, you're

bound to [music] lose.

Daddy

[singing]

[singing]

daddy

daddy

dee

[music]

dah.

Love. [music]

That's right, men. Come on. Dig deeper.

[music]

>> [music]

>> And girls like diamond rings

>> and boys like

>> breaking things. And girls like

>> roses

>> and boys like punching noses

>> and girls like baby. [singing]

>> But most of all

>> most of all boys like girls

>> and girls like

>> and boys like

>> getting dirty

>> and girls like

>> and boys like

>> giant hooters

>> and girls like phone calls. But most of

all,

most [singing] of all, boys like girls

like boys

like girls

like boys.

>> Well,

well, it isn't easy being normal.

[gasps]

Man,

Miss Jones, what a pleasure to see you

today.

>> Can I talk to you for a moment?

>> Oh, sure. Uh, come on in. I'm sorry. The

place usually isn't this bad. Here, have

a seat.

Uh, can I get you something to drink?

Uh, uh, coffee or pop or juice?

>> No thanks.

Well, he must be as overwhelmed by this

whole thing as I am.

>> Actually, I'm not with the campaign

anymore.

>> Oh, Reverend Smith.

>> Uhuh. That's JJ.

>> I know you only want what you think is

best for Liberty. [snorts]

>> Oh, hey, it's not what I want. It's what

God wants.

>> Don't you think God wants Liberty to be

happy?

>> Yeah, but sin can't make a person happy.

Not in the long run. and loving someone.

Is that a sin?

>> Well,

[snorts]

I don't know if Libby ever told you, but

um my father was a pastor.

>> I don't recall that she did.

>> I grew up in the church.

There were five of us. And my oldest

brother, Jimmy, he was an incredible

singer as a young man.

Everybody said he had the most beautiful

voice they had ever heard.

Until one day,

my dad found him with another boy from

the choir.

>> Were

>> daddy was furious.

Said no son of his was going to be a

candy ass

Jimmy was so ashamed.

We didn't see him for years.

Didn't know if he was dead or alive.

>> Well, what happened to him?

>> He ran away to the city.

Lord knows what he had to do to survive

in those days.

He was 16.

>> Did you ever see him again?

>> I did

a couple times before he died.

didn't look the same though.

>> And the saddest thing.

>> What?

He never sang another note.

Not one note.

Anointed by God with a beautiful voice.

And he never used it again.

I guess he felt like he didn't have much

to sing praise about.

If your God

is one

who fills a child with fear.

And if your God

is one

who commands but doesn't hear

and if your God

is one [singing]

who certain and selfrightuous

>> [singing]

>> Then Mary never had a son. There's no

hope for anyone. [screaming]

Jesus was an atheist

and so am I. [singing]

>> Now just wait a second. This is a house

of God. You can't just say that. If your

God [singing]

is the one

who clings

to his own opinion.

And if your God [singing]

is one who who makes love feel like

shame,

tell me if your God

is one

who hates [singing] the same things you

do.

Oh,

>> there's no hill at Calvary. The future's

bleak as it can be. Jesus was an

atheist.

So am I.

[music]

Oh, so am I. [singing]

[music]

>> Cuz how can love be wrong?

>> It's not wrong.

>> And how can hate be right? [music]

>> How can an ever loving

father

cast a stone at his own children.

It's not right. It's not right.

But your God [singing]

is one

who's filled with deep compassion.

[singing]

And if your God

is one who feels [music]

another pain,

and if your God

is one

who sees the light in every pain.

I'll sing praises in a song. There's

hope inside of everyone.

I know there is a God [singing]

and God is love.

[singing]

>> Oh my God is love.

[singing]

>> God is love. God [music] is love.

Oh, how can be wrong?

>> How can it be wrong? How can it be

wrong?

>> How can it be right? [music]

>> How can a gentle prince of peace

make a [singing]

>> make a world his own children? [music]

If your God

is one

who surpasses

understanding [music and singing]

and if your God

>> your God is one

who's called by [music]

name.

Love is patient. Love is kind. It's

greater than the prophet's mind. You can

have the most unshaking faith, but if

you don't have love, it's all a waste.

Always feeling gratitude. It holds no

grudge and it does not broo. You can

have the most angelic voice, but if you

don't have love, it's all just noise.

>> God, my God is love.

>> My God is love. My God is love.

>> Your God, my God is love.

>> He is love. He is love.

[music]

>> God, my God is love. My

God is your love.

>> My God is your God. [singing] My God is

love.

>> My God, my God is love. Your God, my God

is love.

>> My [singing] God is

love.

[singing]

Huh?

You came out so beautifully.

I still miss you, Mom.

You know what you have to do.

But what about daddy?

He'll get over it. And by the way, could

you ask him to get over me? I've moved

on.

and five, four, 3, two.

>> Senator Weston, thank you so much for

joining us on the briefing room today.

>> Oh, it's my pleasure, Ralph.

>> Let's get right to it. The latest polls

show that the general public and even a

majority within your own party have an

overwhelmingly favorable opinion of the

Liberty Lavine relationship since their

appearance on the Sunday talks last

week. In fact, many observers attribute

your sagging poll numbers to your poor

handling of the Kissgate scandal. Would

you consider revising your position on

their relationship and on same-sex

marriage generally?

Well, Ralph, as I have stated before, I

bear no personal animosity towards

Liberty or Miss Lavine or the homosexual

people as a people generally. Um, in

fact, I wish them all the happiness in

the world.

I believe that America is all about

freedom. That's why my ancestors came

here in the first place. Well, they

weren't gay, of course. You know, if

they were gay, I wouldn't even be here.

But, uh, you know, I don't even know if

they had gay people back then, except

maybe the Cowboys.

Do you ever see that movie Humpback

Mountain about the fail?

>> So, so you still do not support same-sex

marriage?

>> I didn't say that,

>> did I?

Hallelujah.

Do you take this woman

to have [singing]

and to hold

and she's frail and she's feeble

and she's tired and

>> [singing]

>> I do.

But do you take [music and singing] this

woman

beginning [singing]

today?

Will you go where I'm going

and stay where I [singing] stay?

I do. [singing]

And

even though [singing]

you see my imperfections,

even though [singing] they say that

lovers change,

Even though we never know what [singing]

this life [music] may bring.

I'll trust in you.

I'll trust you, too.

I'll [singing and music] stay with you.

I'll stay here, [singing] too.

As long [singing] as we both

shall live.

[singing]

>> Do you take this woman

to [music] honor and [singing]

when you know you're right and she is

wrong?

Will you listen

anyway? [singing] You take this woman

for rich [singing and music] and for

if she's recognized [singing] and famous

or quiet and obscure [music]

and [singing]

>> you see my imperfection.

Even though [singing] you see my

imperfections. [music]

They say that shame.

>> Even though they say the lover's chang,

[singing]

[music]

[singing]

too.

[singing]

I promise [music] you.

I promise [singing] to

as long as we both

shall [singing] live.

>> As your first and [music] your last.

>> I'm still a bit inhibited. I'm sure that

that [singing] will pass.

Do you take this woman

to have it? [singing]

[music]

>> My mother's kind of crazy.

My father's

well, you know,

[singing and music]

>> and

sometimes I'm hyper sensitive.

You're an artist. That's okay.

>> My imperfection. [music]

>> Even though [singing] you see my

imperfections.

>> Even [music and singing] though they say

that lovers change. Even

[music and singing]

I'll trust in you.

[singing]

I'll trust you, too.

I'll stay with you.

I'll stay with you.

I promise [music and singing] you

all your

I'll trust in you. I'll trust in you.

I'll stay with you. I'll stay with

[singing] you as long [music] as we both

shall [singing] live.

As long [singing] as you

[music]

love

I finally speak your [singing] name.

As long as we [singing] both

shall live.

[applause]

>> [applause]

[applause]

[cheering]

>> DON'T.

[screaming]

[cheering]

>> [applause]

>> I want a piece of your heart.

I don't need

it forever.

Just want a piece of your heart.

I want a piece of your heart. [music]

I don't need

every last bit. Just want a place I can

start

to begin [singing]

to come towards you. [music] Cross the

river

then the ocean [singing]

to the place where [music] you'll be

waiting.

Where the time turns [singing]

every table. [music]

Over years this feeling won't fade away.

[music]

Hey. Yeah.

>> [music]

>> I'll keep a piece of [singing] your

heart.

Keep it safe

if you let me. A little [singing] piece

of your heart.

Hold it close. Hold it closer.

Give me a piece of your heart [music]

and I'll give

what you ask me. [music] Just tell me

where I can start. [singing]

I will climb

any mountain, across the [music] river,

then the ocean to the place where

[singing] you'll be waiting.

Where the time turns every table.

Over the years this feeling

[singing and music]

won't fade away.

I just want a piece of your heart.

[music]

I just want a piece of your heart.

[music]

I just want to piece of your

[music and singing] heart.

I just want to piece of your heart.

I just want to see your heart.

>> [music]

>> I just want to piece of your heart.

[singing]

I just want to see your heart. [music]

I just want to see your heart.

[music]

your heart.

[music]

I just want to see your [singing] heart.