All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S47E20.en

>>> THIS IS AN MSNBC NEWS
SPECIAL REPORT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> GOOD EVENING, I AM
NICOLLE WALLACE AND YOU'RE

WATCHING MSNBC NEWS BECAUSE YOU
HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO PLACE YOUR
ANGER.

[ LAUGHTER ]
TONIGHT POLITICAL FALLOUT FROM
THE RECENT JANUARY 6th

SUBPOENAS, UPDATES ON THE
RUSSIAN HELICOPTER TAKEN DOWN BY
UKRAINE PLUS A NATIONWIDE

SHORTAGE OF BABY FORMULA.
BUT WE START OF COURSE WITH THE
JOHNNY DEPP AMBER HEARD CUCKOO

TRIAL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I KNOW IT'S NOT THE MOST

PERTINENT STORY OF THE MOMENT,
BUT WITH ALL OF THE PROBLEMS IN
THE WORLD ISN'T IT NICE TO HAVE

A NEWS STORY WE CAN ALL
COLLECTIVELY WATCH AND SAY I'M
GLAD IT AIN'T ME?

[ LAUGHTER ]
I THOUGHT SO.
WE TAKE YOU NOW TO LIVE

COVERAGE.
>> MR. DEPP, EARLIER
IN THIS TRIAL YOU MENTIONED THAT

MISS HEARD LEFT FECAL MATTER IN
YOUR BED.
>> THAT IS CORRECT, YES.

>> AND HOW DID THAT MAKE YOU
FEEL?
>> I FELT VERY, VERY --

SAD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OBJECTION.

YOUR HONOR, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH
THIS, THERE'S NO ACTUAL PROOF
THIS EVER HAPPENED.

>> SUSTAINED.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THIS
COUNSELOR?

>> YOUR HONOR, WE'VE RECENTLY
FOUND SURVEILLANCE FOOTAGE OF
THE HOUSE STAFF DISCOVERING THE

ALLEGED FECAL MATTER ON MR.
DEPP'S BED.
>> OH.

WORD?
>> OBJECTION.
THAT STILL WOULDN'T PROVE MY

CLIENT IS GUILTY OF ANYTHING.
>> THAT'S TRUE.
BUT I'LL ALLOW IT BECAUSE IT

DOES SOUND FUN AND THIS TRIAL IS
FOR FUN.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WHAT?
>> THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR.
MR. DEPP, CAN YOU TELL US WHO

THAT IS?
>> WELL, THAT'S MY PROPERTY
MANAGER, LEONARD GREEN.

I GUESS HE'S DOING A ROUTINE
CHECK AROUND THE HOUSE.
>> YOU KNOW SHE CUT THAT JOKER'S

FINGER OFF, RIGHT?
IF I'M LYING I'M FLYING.
HOLD ON A SECOND.

[ SNIFFING ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
DAMN, SMELL LIKE BOO BOO IN

HERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S COMING FROM THIS BED.

AH, HELL NO!
THAT'S A BOOBOO!
>> AND THERE YOU HAVE IT.

THEY FOUND THE DOOKIE.
>> OBJECTION.
YOUR HONOR, THIS IS PURE

SPECULATION.
>> OVERRULED.
I'D LIKE TO SEE MORE OF THIS

VIDEO?
>> WHY?
>> BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY.

>> PLEASE CONTINUE.
>> SASHA!
DAMN, I HATE THIS JOB.

>> WHY YOU YELLING MY NAME LIKE
YOU CRAZY?
>> LOOK AT THIS.

>> AH, HELL NAH.
WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST GO IN THE
TOILET?

>> I DIDN'T DO THIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHO DID IT, THEN?

>> I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE THE DOG?
>> NO, NO, NO, NO.

THAT MESS AIN'T COME OUT OF NO
DOG.
THAT CAME OUT OF A DEHYDRATED

ADULT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> MAYBE THE WIFE DID IT.

>> WHY WOULD SHE BOOBOO IN HER
OWN BED?
>> I DON'T KNOW, YOU REMEMBER

SHE ALREADY CUT THAT BOY FINGER
OFF.
AND MY DADDY ALWAYS TOLD ME, IF

A GIRL CUT YOUR FINGER OFF
SHE'LL BOO BOO IN YOUR BED.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WHY YOU TAKING A PICTURE OF
IT?
>> BECAUSE IT LOOKS JUST LIKE

THE EMOJI.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> MAN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH WHITE

PEOPLE?
>> I DON'T KNOW BUT YOU NEED IT
CLEAN THIS UP BEFORE MR. JOHNNY

GET BACK.
>> NO, NO, NO.
THAT AIN'T MY JOB.

I AM A LANDSCAPER.
>> WELL, AIN'T THAT FERTILIZER?
>> SOFIA!

>> SOFIA!
>> OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR.
HOW MUCH OF THIS VIDEO DO WE

HAVE TO WATCH?
>> WE DON'T HAVE TO WATCH ANY OF
IT.

BUT WE WANT TO.
SO HUSH.
NOW, WHO'S THIS SOFIA PERSON?

>> OH, SHE'S MY --
CLEANING LADY.
>> MR. DEPP, ARE YOU FINDING

THIS TRIAL AMUSING?
>> A LITTLE.
YES.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SO AM I.
YOU'RE BAD, CAPTAIN JACK.

>> HOLA, COMO ESTAS?
[ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ].
>> IT'S BOOBOO, SOFIA.

>> [ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE].
>> SEE, I TOLD YOU.
>> SOFIA, YOU GOT TO CLEAN THAT

UP, OKAY.
>> NO, NO NO, NO.
>> YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES.

>> MAN, YA'LL SEEN SOMEBODY DREW
A DINGALING IN THE WALLS WITH
BLOOD?

I HATE THIS DAMN JOB SO MUCH.
WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
OH!

SO YOU REALLY DID IT, MAN.
YOU FINALLY QUITTING.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I DIDN'T DO THIS.
IT WAS THE WIFE.
>> AND YOU'VE GOT TO CLEAN IT

UP, JAMAL.
>> OH, HELL NO, I JUST DO
LAUNDRY.

>> YEAH.
AND THAT'S LAUNDRY, BRO.
AND THAT'S LAUNDRY, BRO.

>> DAMN, I HATE THIS JOB.
>> OKAY.
OKAY.

I THINK I'VE SEEN ENOUGH.
THIS TRIAL HAS GIVEN ME A LOT TO
CONSIDER.

ON ONE HAND I BELIEVE MR. DEPP'S
STORY, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND
YOUR CONSTANT LITTLE SMIRK LETS

ME KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT THE
FIRST WOMAN YOU'VE MADE SO MAD
THAT SHE POOPED IN YOUR BED.

>> I GUESS I HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO
BE A --
FULL NIGHTMARE.

>> RIGHT.
OKAY.
EITHER WAY, I'M JUST SO GLAD

THIS AIN'T ME.
AND --
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
**

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE."
WITH --

>> Announcer: LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, SELENA GOMEZ!

>>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE.
GROWING UP, I USED TO WATCH
"SNL" EVERY SATURDAY WITH MY MOM

-- HI, MOM.
THIS IS A BIG MOMENT FOR ME.
I ACTUALLY STARTED ACTING WHEN I

WAS 7, AND I'VE BEEN LUCKY
ENOUGH TO WORK WITH SOME
HOLLYWOOD ICONS, FROM STEVE

MARTIN, MARTIN SHORT, AND OF
COURSE BARNEY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.
THAT'S ME.
THAT WAS THE FIRST SHOW I WAS

ON.
AND NOW I'M ON A SHOW CALLED
"ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I WAS SO HONORED TO WORK WITH
STEVE MARTIN AND MARTIN SHORT,

ESPECIALLY AFTER I GOOGLED THEM
TO FIND OUT WHO THEY WERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]

I REMEMBER TELLING MY FRIENDS
THAT I WAS CAST IN A SHOW "ONLY
MURDERS" AND SHE SAID SOUNDS

SEXY.
ANY HOT CO-STARS?
AND I WAS LIKE --

[ LAUGHTER ]
DEPENDS.
DO YOU LOVE THE BANJO?

[ LAUGHTER ]
ALL RIGHT.
IT'S COOL BEING AROUND TWO "SNL"

LEGENDS.
AND WHEN I FOUND OUT I WAS
HOSTING I IMMEDIATELY ASKED FOR

THEIR ADVICE.
STEVE SAID TRUST NO ONE.
AND MARTY SAID I THINK STEVE

MARTIN HAS BEEN USING MY CREDIT
CARD.
[ LAUGHTER ]

I ALSO ASKED ONE OF MY OLDEST
FRIENDS, MILEY CYRUS.
AND SHE SAID JUST BE YOURSELF

AND HAVE FUN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS LIKE, MILEY, IS THAT JUST

AN EXCUSE FOR ME TO DO AN
IMPRESSION OF YOU ON THE SHOW?
AND SHE'S LIKE, "HELL, YEAH, I'M

MILEY CYRUS."
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT ONE REASON I'M REALLY

EXCITED TO HOST "SNL" IS BECAUSE
I'M SINGLE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND I HEARD THAT "SNL" IS A
GREAT PLACE TO FIND ROMANCE.
EMMA STONE MET HER HUSBAND HERE.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON AND
COLIN JOST.
AND PETE AND MACHINE GUN KELLY.

[ LAUGHTER ]
AND SINCE I DON'T REALLY WANT TO
TRY THE DATING APPS I JUST WANT

TO PUT IT OUT IN THE UNIVERSE
THAT I'M MANIFESTING LOVE AND I
WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT I'M

LOOKING FOR MY SOULMATE.
BUT AT THIS POINT I WILL TAKE
ANYONE.

>> I'LL DO IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHAT?

>> BE WITH YOU, LIKE YOU SAID,
I'LL DO IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OH.
NO.
NO.

[ LAUGHTER ]
NO.
>> BUT YOU JUST SAID YOU'D TAKE

ANYONE.
>> YEAH, BUT I WAS JUST SORT OF
JOKING.

I JUST DON'T REALLY THINK THAT'S
GOING TO BE OUR JOURNEY.
I'M SORRY.

AREN'T YOU MARRIED?
>> OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OKAY.
WELL, I STILL BELIEVE THAT I CAN
FIND LOVE AND THE RIGHT PERSON.

>> I'LL DO IT.
>> OH, THIS IS THE NEW CAST
MEMBER, JEFF.

[ APPLAUSE ]
>> IT'S JAMES, BUT I'LL CHANGE
IT TO JEFF IF YOU WANT.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WAIT, AREN'T YOU MARRIED
ALSO?

>> OH.
RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
>> EXCUSE ME.

COME ON, MAN.
YOU'VE GOT TO READ THE ROOM.
IT'S A NO, JEFF.

BYE.
>> THANK YOU, PUNKEY.
>> OF COURSE, BABY.

LISTEN, I'M SO SORRY PEOPLE OUT
HERE HARASSING YOU.
IT'S JUST UNACCEPTABLE GIRL.

YOU JUST OUT HERE TRYING TO DO
YOUR JOB.
DAMN.

BUT I'LL DO IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> HONESTLY IT'S KIND OF A VIBE
BUT LET'S SEE HOW THE AFTERPARTY
GOES.

[ LAUGHTER ]
LOOK, BEFORE WE START THE SHOW I
JUST WANT TO SAY HOW GRATEFUL I

AM TO BE HERE.
AND I'LL ADMIT I AM A LITTLE
NERVOUS.

BUT I JUST THINK BACK TO THOSE
WORDS OF WISDOM THAT ONE OF MY
CO-STARS WOULD TELL ME BEFORE

EVERY SHOW.
I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME, WE'RE A
HAPPY FAMILY.

YOU KNOW IT.
* WITH A GREAT BIG HUG AND A
KISS FROM ME TO YOU *

* WON'T YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME
TOO *
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

TONIGHT!
POST MALONE IS HERE.
STICK AROUND WE'LL BE BACK

>>> NOW, NOTHING HAS TO CHANGE,
SWEETIE, AND NONE OF THIS IS
YOUR FAULT.

>> BUT I DON'T WANT YOU GUYS TO
GET A DIVORCE.
>> DON'T WORRY, WE STILL LOVE

YOU VERY MUCH.
>> AND YOUR DAD LOVES A WOMAN
NAMED JULIA.

[ LAUGHTER ]
WE JUST THINK SEPARATING IS WHAT
IS BEST FOR THE FAMILY.

>> I THINK I JUST WANT TO BE
ALONE IF THAT'S OKAY.
>> SURE, HONEY.

WE'RE HERE IF YOU NEED US.
>> I GUESS THIS IS GROWING UP,
HUH?

I WISH I COULD TALK TO YOU GUYS
ABOUT THIS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE MY DOLLS ARE MY

ONLY FRIENDS.
WHOA!
WHAT'S HAPPENING?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HEY, TINY BITCH.
>> SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE IN A

CRISIS.
>> AND WE'RE YOUR FRIENDS, SO
WE'RE HERE TO HELP YOU.

>> WAIT, WHAT?
WHO ARE YOU GUYS?
>> WELL, WE'RE A GLOBAL FASHION

SENSATION.
>> SEXY DOLLS FOR PRE-TEENS.
>> WE ARE YOUR BRATZ DOLLS.

* WE ARE THE GIRLS WITH THE
PASSION FOR FASHION *
* BA, BA, BA, BRATZ *

* BRATZ *
>> BRATZ, YOU'RE LIKE ALIVE?
>> STUPID QUEEN, WE WATCH OVER

YOU EVERY DAY, LIKE GOD BUT
SLUTTY.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WE COME TO LIFE EVERY TIME A
GIRL'S PARENTS GET A DIVORCE.
>> YEAH.

AND WE'RE FOR GIRLS WHO ARE TOO
OLD FOR CLAIRE'S BUT TOO YOUNG
FOR TALBOTS.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'M JADE.
I HAVE A FLIP PHONE, A DOG SALON

AND I FIGHT WITH MY BOYFRIEND A
LOT.
>> I'M GIGI.

I USED TO BE AN AMERICAN GIRL
DOLL, UNTIL I FOUND SEX.
>> AND ME, I'M DYLAN.

I'M A BOY BRAT.
I HAVE A HARD TIME MAKING MALE
FRIENDS BECAUSE WE'RE

COMPETITIVE ABOUT SPORTS AND
GIRLS.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> BRATZ, CAN YOU HELP ME?
I JUST FEEL LIKE MY PARENTS'
DIVORCE IS ALL MY FAULT.

>> SHUT THE HELL UP WITH THAT,
YOUR MOM SOUNDS LIKE A BITCH.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> BUT WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH YOUR
DAD?
HE'S INTERESTING TO US.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I DON'T LOVE HOW YOU ASKED
THAT.

I GUESS HE'S A RESEARCH ANALYST.
>> THAT'S WEIRD.
HE SEEMS LIKE A DJ WHO LOVES

BOTTLE SERVICE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO.

>> HOT.
>> WHAT DOES HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND
LOOK LIKE?

BRUNETTE?
BLOND?
>> YEAH.

OR IS SHE LIKE A DOLL WITH GIANT
EYES AND PLATFORM FLIP-FLOPS?
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OR IS SHE A BOY LIKE ME?
>> WHAT?
I JUST DON'T GET WHY MY DAD

DOESN'T LOVE MY MOM ANYMORE.
>> I'LL TELL YOU WHY.
HE PROBABLY LIKES GIRLS WHO WEAR

HUGE HATS AND HAVE LIPS LIKE
THIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OKAY, GUYS, I'M SERIOUSLY
HAVING A HARD TIME HERE.
DON'T YOU HAVE ANY REAL ADVICE

FOR ME?
>> YES.
ALWAYS REMEMBER.

BE TRUE.
BE REAL.
BE BRATZ.

>> OKAY, I'LL TRY THAT.
>> HEY, NO, WE'RE NOT DONE YET.
ALSO, BE AUTHENTIC AND BE A

BITCH TO EVERY WAITER YOU SEE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.

>> STOP INTERRUPTING US.
NEVER FORGET, BE A BOY AND THEN
COME OUT TO YOUR FAMILY AS

BRATZ.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND WHEN THEY DISOWN YOU MAKE

THESE GIRLS YOUR CHOSEN FAMILY.
**
* CHOSEN *

* BA, BA, BA, FAMILY *
>> OKAY.
I STILL FEEL KIND OF SAD.

CAN I HAVE A HUG?
>> UH, SORRY, WE'RE HOLDING
STUFF.

>> NO, YOU'RE NOT.
>> WE MIGHT BE LATER, THOUGH.
>> YEAH.

>> OKAY.
CAN YOU GUYS JUST SHRINK DOWN
AND GO BACK TO BEING DOLLS NOW?

>> NO.
>> WE'RE GOING TO MIAMI WITH
YOUR DAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]
* BA, BA, BA, BRATZ *
* BA, BA, BA, BITCH **

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> NETFLIX VIEWERS LOVE "OLD
ENOUGH," THE HIT JAPANESE SHOW

THAT FOLLOWS TODDLERS AS THEY GO
ON AN ERRAND ALL BY THEMSELVES.
AND NOW, WE'RE REMAKING IT HERE

BUT SINCE AMERICANS DON'T SEND
TODDLERS OUT INTO THE WORLD
ALONE, WE HAD TO FIND AN EQUALLY

HELPLESS GROUP, AND WE DID.
HERE'S A SNEAK PEEK OF "OLD
ENOUGH: LONG-TERM BOYFRIENDS."

>> MATT AND KELSEY LIVE IN
NEW YORK CITY.
THEY HAVE BEEN DATING FOR THREE

YEARS, AND NOW HE'S 34, KELSEY
THINKS MATT IS READY TO RUN AN
ERRAND ALL BY HIMSELF.

>> MATT, I'M GOING TO NEED YOU
TO GO OUT AND GET A COUPLE
THINGS FOR ME, OKAY.

>> ARE YOU GOING TO COME?
>> NO, NO, NO.
THIS IS SOMETHING YOU HAVE TO DO

ALL BY YOURSELF, OKAY?
>> MATT'S NERVOUS BUT WITH
CHELSEA'S HELP, MATT IS READY

FOR HIS BIG ERRAND!
MATT WILL HAVE TO WALK FOUR
BLOCKS TO SEPHORA, WHICH HE

THINKS IS CALLED SEPHORIA, LIKE
THE HBO SHOW, "EUPHORIA."
AND BUY A SMASHBOX BRAND

EYELINER PENCIL IN NIGHT MIST.
AND HE'LL NEED TO TRAVEL THREE
MORE BLOCKS TO THE GROCERY STORE

TO BUY TWO SHALLOTS.
>> HERE HE GOES.
HE'S ONLY 34.

WOW, SO BRAVE.
** DON'T GET DISTRACTED BY ANA
DEARMAS, MATT.

AND HE MADE IT TO SEPHORA.
BUT ONCE INSIDE, MATT IS
OVERWHELMED.

HE'S NEVER BEEN HERE WITHOUT
KELSEY BEFORE.
OH, NO MATT, DON'T CRY.

ASK FOR HELP LIKE A BIG BOY.
>> HI.
>> DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE MAKE-UP

IS?
>> THIS IS ALL MAKE UP IN HERE,
SWEETIE.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING
FOR?
>> REMEMBER, MATT, KELSEY WANTS

A SMASHBOX NIGHT MIST EYE
PENCIL.
>> SMASHMOUTH NIGHT WING.

>> IT'S OKAY.
IT'S OKAY.
>> BACK AT HOME, KELSEY HOPES

MATT IS OKAY BY HIMSELF.
>> MATT IS SO GREAT AT DOING
THINGS HE LIKES LIKE DRAFTKINGS

OR HIS ADULT LEGOS.
BUT GETTING SOMETHING FOR ME
WITHOUT ME BEING THERE IS A LOT

FOR HIM TO HANDLE.
ESPECIALLY AT HIS AGE.
I MIGHT HAVE A BOTTLE OR GLASS

OF WINE.
IT'S 10:00 A.M. BUT IT'S FINE.
YOU CAN CUT THAT OUT, RIGHT?

>> AT SEPHORA, MATT MAKES HIS
PURCHASE.
HOORAY!

AND AFTER STOPPING TO BUY A
BACON, EGG AND CHEESE, EVEN
THOUGH HE ATE LUNCH AN HOUR AGO,

MATT'S ON HIS WAY TO THE MARKET.
BUT WHAT'S THIS?
ANOTHER BOY ON AN ERRAND?

>> HI.
I'M 34.
>> I'M 38 1/2.

>> ARE YOU ON AN ERRAND FOR YOUR
GIRLFRIEND?
>> YEAH, I HAD TO GET

DRY CLEANING AND A CREAM THAT
COSTS $80.
>> ARE SHAL-LOTS ONIONS?

>> YEAH.
BYE.
>> BYE.

>> KEEP GOING, MATT, YOU'RE
ALMOST THERE.
HE MADE IT.

KELSEY WANTED TWO SHALLOTS.
AND HE BUYS TWO FIVE-POUND BAGS
OF ONIONS.

KELSEY AWAITS HIS RETURN.
HURRY UP, MATT.
YOU'RE ALMOST THERE.

>> SON OF A BITCH.
>> AND HE'S DONE IT!
>> YAY!

GOOD JOB.
>> I AM REALLY PROUD OF HIM.
LAST NIGHT, I ASKED HIM TO GET

AN EYELINER PENCIL AND TWO
SHALLOTS AND HE BROUGHT HOME TEN
POUNDS OF ONIONS AND A BLUSH

PALETTE FOR AFRICAN AMERICAN
WOMEN.
SO WE SHOULD JUST BREAK UP.

IT'S NOT THIS.
IT'S EVERYTHING.
WE'RE BASICALLY ROOMMATES.

WATCH.
BABY, DO YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX
RIGHT NOW?

>> IT'S LIKE, LIGHT OUTSIDE.
>> OH.
SILLY ME.

**
>>> AY, WELCOME TO A PEAK AT
PICO, PICO RIVERA'S NUMBER ONE

PUBLIC ACCESS TALK SHOW.
I'M VANESSA.
>> I'M SOFIA.

AND ON THIS SHOW WE TALK ABOUT
EVERYTHING HAPPENING IN
PICO RIVERA, FROM THE GOOD --

>> TO THE BAD.
SO LIKE WHAT DID YOU GET INTO
THIS WEEKEND, CHICA?

>> I GOT A NEW EYELINER.
>> I WAS GONNA SAY, I SAW THAT,
IT LOOKS GOOD.

>> YEAH, BUT THEN IT POKED ME IN
MY EYE.
>> OH.

THAT'S SAD.
>> THAT'S SAD.
>> OKAY, WE GOT TO GO TALK TO

CHAD.
>> YEAH, CHAD'S OUTSIDE RIGHT
NOW.

BIENVENIDOS, CHAD.
>> HI.
YEAH, THIS IS CHAD MITCHELL

REPORTING LIVE FROM PICO PARK.
THE BIRDS ARE CHIRPING, THE SUN
IS SHINING, FAMILIES HAVE BEEN

COMING TO THIS PARK FOR
GENERATIONS.
>> THAT'S GOOD.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YES, BUT CITY OFFICIALS --
>> BYE, CHAD!

>> WAIT.
>> OKAY.
WE'RE GONNA BRING OUT A GUEST.

SHE HANGS OUT AT THE LIBRARY
WITH THE BOOKS.
BIENVENIDOS, BECCA!

>> HI, THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
AND, UM, I WANT TO CLARIFY THAT
I'M A LIBRARIAN.

I DON'T JUST HANG OUT WITH
BOOKS.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OH, THAT'S GOOD.
>> YEAH, 'CAUSE WHEN I HEARD
THAT I WAS LIKE, THAT'S SAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH, SO BECCA, WHAT'S UP
WITH ALL THESE BOOKS?

>> WELL, THESE ARE SOME SUMMER
READING BOOKS WE HAVE AT THE
LIBRARY.

>> MM.
LIKE WHAT, THOUGH?
>> OH, WELL, THIS ONE IS

"THE GIVER."
>> DAMN!
WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> IT'S A BOOK ABOUT A SOCIETY
WHERE NO ONE CAN SEE COLORS.

>> THAT'S SAD.
>> SAD.
>> YES, IT IS, BUT THEN ONE

DAY --
>> THEY CAN SEE PURPLE THOUGH,
RIGHT?

>> NO, THEY CAN'T SEE PURPLE.
>> THAT'S SAD.
I LOVE PURPLE.

>> YEAH.
>> OH, DO YOU GUYS HAVE "THE CAT
IN THE HAT"?

THAT BOOK IS SO FUNNY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WELL, YES, WE DO HAVE "THE

CAT IN THE HAT."
>> OH, THAT'S GOOD.
>> WELL, YOU KNOW, WE ALSO

HAVE --
>> BYE, BECCA!
**

>> OKAY.
WE'RE GOING TO GO TO CHAD.
>> YEAH.

CHAD'S OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW.
>> YEAH.
ACTUALLY, YOU KIND OF CUT ME OFF

EARLIER.
SEE, LOCAL NEWS STORIES USUALLY
START WITH A COUPLE DESCRIPTIVE

SENTENCES TO SET THE SCENE
BEFORE TRANSITIONING INTO THE
ACTUAL NEWS STORY.

>> OH.
OKAY.
>> OKAY.

SO CITY OFFICIALS --
>> BYE, CHAD!
>> SERIOUSLY?

>> OKAY, WE HAVE ANOTHER GUEST
NOW.
HE MAKES MUSIC, BUT HE DOESN'T

EVEN SING.
HE JUST RAPS.
>> BIENVENIDOS LITTLE HUBCAP.

**
>> WHAT'S UP, WHAT'S UP, WHAT'S
UP PICO RIVERA?

IT'S YOUR BOY LIL' HUB-CAP.
>> DAMN, LOOK AT YOU.
SO YOU GOT AN ALBUM OUT OR

SOMETHING?
>> YEAH, MY MUSIC IS INSPIRED MY
STRUGGLE.

SEE, MY DAD, HE WASN'T AROUND
MUCH, AND WHEN HE WAS, HE WAS
MAD.

>> YOUR DAD WAS A BAD MAN.
>> MY DAD WAS BATMAN?
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> NO, NOT BATMAN.
YOUR DAD WAS A BAD MAN.
>> YEAH, YOU HAD A BAD DAD.

THAT'S SAD.
BUT THEN YOU TURNED YOUR BAD DAD
INTO RAP.

THAT'S GOOD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH, I DIDN'T CATCH ALL

THAT.
SO, I'M JUST GONNA DO MY SONG
NOW.

**
* I GREW UP WITH NOTHING *
* THAT'S SAD *

* BUT NOW I GOT IT ALL *
* THAT'S GOOD *
* BUT I STILL FEEL LIKE

NOTHING *
* THAT'S SAD *
* BUT I'M STANDING TALL *

* THAT'S GOOD *
* HUBCAP *
>> PEACE OUT, Y'ALL.

[ APPLAUSE ]
>> WOW.
THAT WAS SAD, BUT IT MADE ME

FEEL GOOD.
>> YEAH.
IT'S CATHARTIC.

>> CATHARTIC?
>> YEAH.
>> WHAT'S CATHARTIC?

>> THAT'S WHEN IT'S GOOD TO BE
SAD.
>> OH.

THAT'S GOOD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY.

WE GOT TO TALK TO CHAD BECAUSE
HE'S OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW.
HEY, CHAD, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH

THE PARK?
>> REALLY?
YOU'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO LET ME

DO THE STORY?
>> YEAH.
WE WANT TO KNOW.

>> OKAY.
WELL, I'M HERE IN PICO PARK
WHERE THE SUN IS SHINING AND THE

BIRDS ARE CHIRPING.
>> OKAY.
WE'RE OUT OF TIME.

>> OF COURSE WE ARE.
>> BYE, CHAD.
>> OKAY, OUR SHOW'S OVER NOW.

SOFIA, YOU CAN GO MEET UP WITH
YOUR MAN.
>> OKAY.

AYE, I POKED MY EYE AGAIN.
>> THAT'S SAD.
>> THAT'S SAD.

>> THAT'S SAD.
>> BYE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WELCOME TO THE FIRST PREVIEW OF
"A STORM WITHIN" BY ACCLAIMED
IRISH PLAYWRIGHT,

RORY McFADDEN.
AND AS I'M SURE YOU'RE AWARE,
THERE IS A PENIS IN THE SHOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]
YES, WE GO THERE.
AND IT BETTER NOT END UP ONLINE.

IF YOU POST IT, YOU WILL LOSE
THE PENIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]

OKAY?
SO JUST ENJOY IT AND THEN LET IT
GO.

ALSO, EVERYONE IN THE SHOW HAS
COVID.
SO THESE ARE ALL UNDERSTUDIES.

THEY'VE HAD 30 MINUTES OF
REHEARSAL BACKSTAGE.
WE COULD HAVE CANCELED TONIGHT,

BUT I'M IN A FIGHT WITH MY
HUSBAND, SO I NEED TO BE OUT OF
THE APARTMENT.

[ LAUGHTER ]
OUR FIGHT MAY OR MAY NOT BE
ABOUT THE PENIS IN THIS SHOW.

THE PENIS IS ALSO BEING
UNDERSTUDIED SO I'M EXCITED TO
SEE WHAT THAT'S LIKE.

[ LAUGHTER ]
ALL RIGHT.
WITHOUT FURTHER TATTOO WE NOW

PRESENT "A STORM WITHIN."
>> OH, THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD.
>> IS THAT WHAT YOU TOOK FROM

THAT?
[ CRYING ]
>> LINE?

>> ALREADY?
YOU DON'T KNOW YOUR FIRST LINE?
>> NO.

>> WELL, IT'S "HUSH NOW BABY."
>> OH, YEAH, YEAH,.
HUSH NOW BABY DON'T WAKE YOUR

MAM.
SHE'S SLEEPING OFF HER DRINK IN
THE OTHER ROOM.

BUT NAN'S HERE TO TAKE CARE
OF --
LINE?

>> YA.
>> AND NAN'S HERE TO TAKE CARE
OF YA.

IS IT THE PENIS NOW?
>> NO.
IT'S IN ACT TWO.

IT NEEDS AN HOUR TO PREP.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY
BABY?

>> WHAT IS THAT ACCENT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SORRY, I TRIED IRISH, IT

SOUNDS WEIRD SO I'M JUST DOING
AUSTRALIAN.
>> YOU'RE NOT DOING AUSTRALIAN.

>> OH, I THINK I AM, MATE.
>> PLEASE STOP.
DO YOU AT LEAST KNOW YOUR LINES?

>> YES.
I NEED --
LINE?

>> I NEED MONEY FOR WHISKEY.
>> SORRY, I DON'T HAVE ANY
MONEY.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO, THAT'S YOUR LINE.
JUST DO THE PLAY.

>> YOU SAW HIM AGAIN, DIDN'T
YOU?
YOU ALWAYS ACT THIS WAY WHEN YOU

SEE HIM.
>> WHAT'S WRONG, ARE YOU AFRAID
TO SAY HIS NAME?

>> OF COURSE I'M NOT AFRAID.
BUT YOU SAY IT FIRST JUST TO
REMIND ME WHAT IT IS.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU SHOULD SINCE YOU BROUGHT
IT UP.

>> OKAY.
WELL, THEN LET'S JUST BOTH SAY
IT AT THE SAME TIME.

ONE, TWO, THREE.
FOUR.
>> FOUR.

>> FIVE.
>> I'M ASSUMING FROM THIS
BACK-AND-FORTH THAT YOU BOTH

FORGOT THE NAME.
>> YES.
>> IT'S SHEAMUS.

>> OH, YEAH.
OH.
SHOULD WE DO THE KISS NOW?

>> NO, NO, YOU ARE MOTHER AND
DAUGHTER.
THERE IS NO KISS.

>> OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS HORRIBLE.
>> I KNOW.

THINK OF HOW THAT BABY IS GOING
TO GROW UP.
>> WHY WON'T YOU GIVE ME THE

MONEY, COW?
>> WASH YOUR MOUTH.
>> IT'S WATCH.

>> OH, I'M SORRY, WASH YOUR
WATCH.
[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T CARE THAT YOU'RE MY
DAUGHTER.
I'D CALL THE POLICE.

>> I'D BE CAREFUL.
YOU'RE TREADING A VERY THIN
LINE.

>> LINE.
>> YES, THAT'S WHAT I'M ASKING.
>> NO, NO, LINE IS YOUR LINE.

>> WHAT?
>> WHAT.
THE WORD LINE IS YOUR LINE.

>> OH, LINE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO.

JUST KEEP GOING.
>> WHO IS THAT?
IS THAT PENIS --

SHEAMUS.
>> ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.
>> NO, NO.

>> WOW.
SAYS HERE THE DOGS ARE
UNDERSTUDIES TOO.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M JUST GOING TO PLAY ALL OF

THE PARTS.
YOU'LL KNOW WHO I'M DOING
BECAUSE I'LL BE DOING ALL OF THE

VOICES.
MAM, I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO DO
THIS, BUT YOU'VE LEFT ME NO

CHOICE.
IS THAT A GUN, GIRL?
YEAH, MATE, I GOT IT FROM

SHEAMUS.
>> I'M SORRY, I KNOW I'M EARLY
BUT IT'S READY AND IT NEEDS TO

BE NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> BUT IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE

UNTIL ACT TWO.
>> IT HAS TO BE NOW!
>> CAN YOU SAY THE LINE AT

LEAST?
>> CURSE OF THE IRISH, MORE LIKE
BLESSING, WHAT TIME IS, DAWN

O'CLOCK.
AYUGA.
>> OKAY.

THOSE ARE ACTUALLY THE LINES.
JUST GO AHEAD AND SHOW IT.
[ GASPING ]

>> WOW.
THEY REALLY DID GO THERE.
>> I TOLD YOU.

[ APPLAUSE ]
**
>>> WE NOW RETURN TO "AMERICAN

INVENTORS."
>> THE AUTOMOBILE, PAPER CUP,
DANCING, COMPUTER --

THESE WERE ALL INVENTED.
BUT WHO DID THAT, AND WHAT IS
THEIR STORY?

WE BEGIN WITH ARCHIE GIZMO, THE
BRILLIANT INVENTOR OF THE
WHOOPEE CUSHION.

>> WELL, BACK IN THE EARLY 60s,
I WAS JUST A STRUGGLING GAG
INVENTOR.

AND ALL I HAD WAS AN EARLY
PROTOTYPE OF THE CUSHION.
I KNEW IT WOULD BE FUNNY TO HAVE

YOUR BOSS SIT DOWN, AND A NOISE
COME FROM HIS BUTT, BUT I JUST
COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT NOISE.

[ HONK ]
NO.
[ MOO ]

[ DOORBELL ]
DAMN IT.
I COULDN'T CRACK IT.

BUT THEN, I MET HER.
* THIS MAGIC MOMENT *
MISS DINA BEANS.

I SAW HER FROM AFAR.
HER ENERGY WAS MAGNETIC.
HER EYES WERE ENDLESS.

AND EVERY TIME SHE SAT DOWN --
[ FARTING ]
GAS.

[ REPEATED FARTING ]
>> IT WAS THAT NIGHT HE
REALIZED, THE FUNNIEST NOISE TO

COME OUT OF A BUTT WAS A FART.
>> WATCH OUT, SUBSTITUTE
TEACHERS.

DON'T SIT DOWN.
THEY'RE CALLING IT THE "WHOOPEE
CUSHION."

AND THEY'RE FLYING OFF THE
SHELVES.
>> HE HAD A BONA FIDE HIT, AND

IT DIDN'T STOP THERE.
DINA BEANS BECAME HIS MUSE.
>> I FELL IN LOVE WITH DINA, AND

SHE WAS BEHIND EVERY GOOD IDEA I
EVER HAD.
BECAUSE YOU SEE, SHE WASN'T JUST

A CHRONIC GAS-PASSER.
SHE WAS ALSO THE VICIOUSLY MOST
UNLUCKY WOMAN I HAD EVER MET.

>> OH, YUM.
PEANUTS!
[ HISSING ]

OH!
OHH!
MORE SNAKES!

>> AND WHAT THE HELL COULD HAVE
BEEN GOING ON AT THE PEANUT
FACTORY FOR A SEALED CAN TO BE

FULL OF FOUR MULTI-COLORED,
ALIVE, POISONOUS SNAKES?
>> WATCH OUT PEANUT FANS, MAYBE

IT'S TIME TO SWITCH TO PECANS.
>> ARCHIE DILIGENTLY RECORDED
HOME FOOTAGE OF DINA'S EVERY

MOVE.
HERE, DINA IS STRUCK BY
LIGHTNING WHILE SHAKING

SOMEONE'S HAND.
>> HI, MISTER, NICE TO MEET YOU!
AH!

[ CRACKLING ]
>> OOH, THAT WAS THE HAND
BUZZER!

VERY NEXT DAY, HAND TO GOD, HER
EYEBALLS POPPED OUT OF HER
SOCKETS.

[ SNEEZE ]
>> OH, MY EYES FELL OUT.
>> BOOM.

GOOGLY-EYED SLINKY GLASSES.
[ POP ]
>> THAT'S BETTER.

>> THEN, LIGHTNING GOT THE WOMAN
AGAIN, THIS TIME WHILE TAKING A
PIECE OF GUM FROM A GUY.

>> TOOTY FRUITY, MY FAVORITE --
AAH!
[ CRACKLING ]

>> ELECTRIC GUM, THE GUM THAT
BITES BACK.
>> HOW THIS WOMAN DID NOT DIE

BETWEEN TWO LIGHTNING STRIKES
AND A SNAKE ATTACK IS BETWEEN
HER AND GOD.

BUT ARCHIE'S HIT PRANKS JUST
KEPT COMING.
>> DINA GOT STRUCK BY LIGHTNING

ALMOST WEEKLY --
WHILE CLICKING THE PEN.
[ CRACKLING ]

>> ELECTRIC SHOCKER -- THE PEN
THAT GIVES AN ELECTRIC SHOCK.
>> SITTING DOWN.

[ FART ]
[ CRACKLING ]
>> ELECTRIC WHOOPEE CUSHION.

>> SHE WAS GOD'S PERFECT FOOL.
>> ARCHIE BECAME THE MOST FAMOUS
GAG INVENTOR IN THE WORLD.

AND IT WAS ALL THANKS TO DINA
BEANS.
>> WE HAD EVERYTHING.

MONEY, A HOUSE IN THE HILLS,
LATE NIGHTS WITH CELEBRITIES.
THE PARTIES AND ILLICIT DRUGS

WERE FUN, BUT NONE OF THAT
MATTERED TO ME, BECAUSE DINA WAS
THE PRIZE, AND THE GREATEST GAG

SHE EVER GOOFED WAS MARRYING A
GUY LIKE ME.
I LOVE YOU, DINA BEANS.

>> OH, AND I LOVE YOU,
ARCHIE GIZMO.
>> SHAKE ON IT?

>> OH.
AAH!
[ CRACKLING ]

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
POST MALONE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**
* I'M ABOUT TO PULL UP
HIT SWITCH PULL CURTAIN

AND I'VE BEEN WAITIN' SO LONG
NOW I GOTTA RE-SURFACE *
* AND YEAH

WE 'BOUT TO TOAST UP
ALL THAT BREAD
THAT WE BURNIN' *

* 'CAUSE I'VE BEEN
FEELIN' COOPED UP
I'VE BEEN FEELIN'

COOPED UP *
* YEAH I'M OFF THE BUD LIGHT
NOT THE BOURBON

I MIGHT CHOP THE ROOF
OFF THE SUBURBAN *
* TRIED TO BE A NICE GUY

JOHN TERZIAN
TILL I STARTED THROWIN' UP
IN YOUR BIRKIN *

* THEN I WOKE UP
IN THE MORNIN'
POLICE SHOWED UP AT MY DOOR

WITH A WARRANT *
* I REMEMBER FLUSHIN'
SOMETHIN' DOWN THE TOILET

GUESS YOU GOTTA LET ME OFF
WITH A WARNING *
* RETURN OF THE MACK

FEELIN' LIKE AN OUTKAST
I'M THE ONLY GUY IN SLACKS *
* THAT'LL COST YA

THREE STACKS *
* NOW YOU SAVIN' THAT CHECK
WHY YOU TAKIN' MY SWAG

CAN YOU GIVE ME THAT BACK *
* GUCCI MY PRADA MIYAKE
LOUIS BOTTEGA AND TOMMY

ALL OF THESE THINGS *
* ON MY BODY
LET'S PARTY *

* I'M ABOUT TO PULL UP
HIT SWITCH PULL CURTAIN
AND I'VE BEEN WAITIN' SO LONG

NOW I GOTTA RE-SURFACE *
* AND YEAH
WE 'BOUT TO TOAST UP

ALL THAT BREAD
THAT WE BURNIN' *
* 'CAUSE I'VE BEEN

FEELIN' COOPED UP
I'VE BEEN FEELIN'
COOPED UP *

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
RODDY RICCH.
**

* GOTTA PULL UP
GOTTA PULL UP
GOTTA PULL UP

I PULL UP AY *
* GOT BLACK MINX
ALL ON THE RUG

GOT HELLA POPPING DRUGS ** IN ED
THEY SHOW US LOVE
PARTNER IN CRIME WITH ME *

* WHILE WE WHIPPING
IN THE SPACE SHIP
GOT IT OUT THE PAVEMENT

NOW WE GETTING PAYMENT *
* EVERYBODY AROUND ME
GETTING MONEY

IT'S TOO CONTAGIOUS *
* KEPT IT SOLID
NOW WE REAL RICH

TO THEY AMAZEMENT *
* I PULLED UP THE BLACK
BADGE 'CAUSE IT WAS CLEANER

I REMEMBER I WAS JUST
POSTED UP WITH THE DEMONS *
* AND POSTY TOOK ME

ON MY FIRST DAMN TOUR DATES
HE HAD ME ROCKING EVERY NIGHT
SOLD OUT ARENAS *

* A PROJECT
I NEVER THOUGHT
I WOULD SEE *

* OR TRY TO TELL YOU
YOU PROBABLY WOULDN'T
BELIEVE US *

* I'M ABOUT TO PULL UP
HIT SWITCH PULL CURTAIN
AND I'VE BEEN WAITIN' SO LONG

NOW I GOTTA RE-SURFACE *
* AND YEAH
WE 'BOUT TO TOAST UP

ALL THAT BREAD
THAT WE BURNIN' *
* 'CAUSE I'VE BEEN

FEELIN' COOPED UP
I'VE BEEN FEELIN'
COOPED UP *

* TIL THE DAYLIGHT COME
TIL THE DAYLIGHT COME
I GOT SAKÉ IN MY TUMMY

CIGARETTE IN MY LUNGS *
* IT'S ELEVEN IN THE MORNIN'
AND WE STILL AIN'T DONE

AND I'M STILL THAT BITCH
SO WHAT *
* YEAH WE 'BOUT TO TOAST UP

ALL THAT BREAD
THAT WE BURNIN' *
* 'CAUSE I'VE BEEN FEELIN'

COOPED UP
I'VE BEEN FEELIN'
COOPED UP *

COOPED UP *
**
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU.

GOOD EVENING.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
I'M MICHAEL CHE.EEKEND UPDATE."

>> I'M COLIN JOST.
WELL, IF YOU FEEL LIKE THINGS
ARE A LITTLE OFF THIS WEEK,

REMEMBER, YESTERDAY WAS FRIDAY
THE 13th.
TOMORROW IS A SUPER BLOOD MOON.

AND ACCORDING TO THE MOST
ANNOYING PERSON YOU KNOW,
MERCURY IS IN RETROGRADE.

[ LAUGHTER ]
IS IT ME OR DOES EVERY STORY
THIS WEEK FEEL LIKE THE OPENING

VOICE-OVER IN A "MAD MAX" MOVIE?
THE YEAR IS 2022.
A VIRUS RAGES ACROSS THE PLANET.

DIGITAL MONEY HAS COLLAPSED.
WOMEN ARE FORCED TO BREED.T.
MEN ARE READY TO DIE FOR

AND WE SUFFER UNDER THE
LEADERSHIP OF THE ONE KNOWN ONLY
AS JOE.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> CRYPTOCURRENCY CRASHED THIS
WEEK, WITH BITCOIN LOSING NEARLY

HALF ITS VALUE, AND NOW IT HAS
TO LEGALLY CHANGE ITS NAME TO
BIT-O-COIN.

[ LAUGHTER ]
IN FACT, THE ENTIRE CRYPTO
MARKET HAS LOST OVER $1 TRILLION

BUT DON'T WORRY, YOU CAN MAKE
THAT MONEY BACK FAST AS LONG AS
YOU'VE BEEN HOARDING BABY

FORMULA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> YOU KNOW, THIS BABY FORMULA

SHORTAGE IS SCARY.
I MEAN, BABIES ARE VERY
SENSITIVE.

YOU CAN'T JUST FEED THEMANYTHIN.
I ONCE TRIED TO GIVE MY LITTLE
NEPHEW SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAN

HIS USUAL FORMULA, AND HE ALMOST
CHOKED ON THAT HOT WING BONE.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>>> THE JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE
HAS SUBPOENAED FIVE SITTING
REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMEN AFTERTHEY

VOLUNTARILY.
SAID THE REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMEN,
"YOU CAN'T FORCE US TO DO

ANYTHING.
WE'RE NOT PREGNANT."
[ LAUGHTER ]

>>> SENATOR MITCH McCONNELL,
SEEN HERE WATCHING A SHELTER DOG
GET PASSED UP FOR ADOPTION --

[ LAUGHTER ]
LED A CONGRESSIONAL DELEGATION
FOR A SURPRISE VISIT TO UKRAINE

TODAY.
IT'S WEIRD, BECAUSE USUALLY WHEN
McCONNELL SHOWS UP BY SURPRISE,

IT'S BEHIND YOU IN THE BATHROOM
MIRROR.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>>> AMAZON ANNOUNCED THAT IT
WILL PAY EMPLOYEES WHO HAVE TO
TRAVEL TO GET AN ABORTION UP TO

$4,000 IN EXPENSES EVERY YEAR.
THE ONLY CATCH IS YOU'VE GOT TO
DO IT DURING YOUR EIGHT-MINUTE

LUNCH BREAK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> THERE IS RENEWED SPECULATION

ABOUT VLADIMIR PUTIN'S HEALTH
AFTER HE WAS PHOTOGRAPHED AT A
MILITARY PARADE WITH A HEAVY

BLANKET ACROSS HIS LAP.
BUT HEAR ME OUT.
MAYBE THE BLANKET IS BECAUSE

THINKING ABOUT WAR GETS HIM HARD
AS HELL.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>>> THE TRUMP INTERNATIONAL
HOTEL IN WASHINGTON D.C. HAS
BEEN SOLD FOR A REPORTED $375

MILLION.
WELL, I WOULDN'T SAY REPORTED,
SAID THE IRS.

>>> A MEMBER OF THE PUNK ROCK
GROUP PUSSY RIOT WHICH HAS LONG
PROTESTED VLADIMIR PUTIN

REVEALED THAT SHE FLED THE
COUNTRY DISGUISED AS A FOOD
DELIVERY WORKER.

WHICH EXPLAINS THIS NOTIFICATION
FROM DOORDASH.HTER ]
>>> APPLE ANNOUNCED THAT AFTER

20 YEARS, IT WILL STOP
PRODUCTION OF ITS iPOD TOUCH,
BECAUSE APPLE PRODUCTS BECOME

OBSOLETE ONCE THEY'RE OLDER THAN
THE KIDS WHO MAKE THEM.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>>> "THE NEW YORK TIMES" SAID IT
CHANGED THE ANSWER FOR MONDAY'S
WORDLE WHICH WAS FETUS BECAUSE

IT WAS TOO CLOSELY CONNECTED TO
A MAJOR NEWS STORY.
TOUGH NEWS FOR PSYCHOS WHOSE

FIRST WORDLE GUESS IS ALWAYS
FETUS.
[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHTER ]
"OBI-WAN KENOBI" SERIES ON THE
WAY, IT'S A GREAT TIME TO BE A

"STAR WARS" FAN.
HERE TO CATCH US UP ON ALL
THINGS "STAR WARS" IS BABY YODA.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I LOVE YOU.
OOH.

>> WHAT'S UP BABY YODA, I LOVE
HOW'S LIFE?
YOU GOT A NEW VIBE.

>> LIFE IS GOOD, MICHAEL.
REAL GOOD.
OF COURSE, SEASON THREE OF

"MANDO" COMING UP,
BLAH-BLAH-BLAH, WORK, WORK,
WORK, AH.

BUT YEAH, IT IS A VERY
ENLIGHTENING TIME FOR ME,
BECAUSE ACTUALLY I'M SPIRITUAL

NOW.
YOU STUDIED THE WAYS OF THE
FORCE, RIGHT?

>> OKAY, RELAX, NERD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW WHAT AN AYAHUASCA

RETREAT IS?
>> YEAH, SURE.
>> YEAH, SO I BASICALLY DID THAT

BUT WITH A BUNCH OF PILLS AND
WEED.INSTEAD OF A SPIRITUAL GUIE
WALKING US THROUGH IT MY BOY TOM

HOLLAND GOT ON THE AUX CABLE AND
I SAW GOD.
I WAS LIKE, "OH, SNAP."

>> GOD, IT SOUNDS LIKE A GREATM.
JUST MAKE SURE YOU STAY SAFE,
MAN.

>> NO, DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT YEAH, I'M FEELING REALLY

PEACEFUL THESE DAYS.
GETTING INTO CRYSTALS, RED
STICKS, SPICY GUACAMOLE.

[ LAUGHTER ]
EVEN GOT A LITTLE COMMUNITY
VERY MINDFUL INDIVIDUALS.

YEAH, IT'S ME, JARED LETO,
SANTANA FEATURING ROB THOMAS,
BOB THE BUILDER, AND

TILA TEQUILA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WELL, SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD

CREW, DUDE.
>> YEAH, IT'S A CULT.
[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT LOOK, I LOVE EVERYONE, MAN,
EVEN MY HATERS.
>> REALLY?

BECAUSE YOU'VE HAD SOME STRONG
WORDS FOR ONE HATER IN
PARTICULAR OVER THE YEARS.

>> YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.
BUT I'M OLDER NOW.
AND I JUST WANT TO SAY, BABY

GROOT, I KNOW WE HAD OUR ISSUES.
BUT I MEAN THIS FROM THE BOTTOM
OF MY HEART.

I REALLY, REALLY
DON'T LIKE YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]

AND NEXT TIME I SEE YOU, I WILL
CHOP YOU DOWN LIKE PAUL BUNYAN,
SMOKE YOU WHILE I'M IN A HOT TUB

WITH YOUR GIRL.
THAT BEING SAID, I LOVE YOU.
AND I'VE ALWAYS GOT YOUR BACK.

>> WHAT?
>> COME ON, MAN, I'M JUST A
BABY.>> BABY YODA, EVERYBODY.

>> COME ON, MAN, I'M JUST A
BABY.>> BABY YODA, EVERYBODY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

EUROVISION SONG CONTEST IS
KALUSH ORCHESTRA, A GROUP FROM
UKRAINE.AND THIS IS COOL.

IF YOU COMBINE EVERY MEMBER OF
KALUSH ORCHESTRA, YOU GET POST
MALONE.

[ LAUGHTER ]IT WAS ANNOUNCED THW
DISCO-THEMED ROLLER SKATING RINK
WILL OPEN THIS SUMMER IN CENTRAL

PARK.
ANOTHER CLASSIC '70s TREND
RETURNING TO THE PARK THIS

SUMMER?
STABBINGS.
[ LAUGHTER ]THE MAKERS OF BARBIE

INTRODUCED THE FIRST EVER BARBIE
WITH HEARING AIDS.
IT TEACHES AN IMPORTANT LESSON.

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU'RE
DEAF, AS LONG AS THAT BODY
BANGIN.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> KEVIN SPACEY WILL STAR IN A
HISTORICAL DRAMA ABOUT

GENGHIS KHAN'S GRANDSON.
SAID SPACEY, "YOU HAD ME AT
GRANDSON."

[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> NEW YORK CITY OFFICIALS SAY
THEY HAVE RECEIVED OVER

7,000 RAT SIGHTINGS HERE IN
NEW YORK.
SO EVERYBODY LOOK UNDER YOUR

SEAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> THE OKLAHOMA CITY ZOO

ANNOUNCED THAT A 14-YEAR-OLD
ENDANGERED CHIMPANZEE NAMED NAIA
IS PREGNANT.

SAID THE ZOO'S JANITOR, "SHE
TOLD ME SHE WAS 18."
[ LAUGHTER ]

>>> THE WRONG NUMBER WAS
ANNOUNCED IN THIS WEEK'S $86
MILLION MEGA MILLIONS JACKPOT

DRAWING, WHICH IS WHY I HAD TO
GO INTO LORNE'S OFFICE AND
UNQUIT.

GO INTO LORNE'S OFFICE AND
UNQUIT.
[ LAUGHTER ]

TO TELL US WHAT SHE LEARNED AND
GIVE US A TOUR BACKSTAGE IS
"WEEKEND UPDATE'S" FIELD

CORRESPONDENT, SARAH SHERMAN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANKS, COLIN.

I'M GOING TO KICK OFF THE TOUR
IN OUR STUDIO AUDIENCE.
IT'S BEEN A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT

WITH LOTS OF GREAT WEEKEND
UPDATE JOKES FROM MICHAEL CHE
SPECIFICALLY.

>> ALL RIGHT.
I DIDN'T LOVE THE SPECIFICALLY
THERE, SARAH.

BUT SURE, GO AHEAD.
TAKE US BACKSTAGE.
>> GOD.

SO MANY LEGENDS HAVE PASSED
THROUGH THESE HALLOWED HALLS.
WILL FERRELL, KRISTEN WIIG, A

BUNCH OF CREW GUYS WHO THINK I'M
AN UGLY LITTLE BOY.
[ LAUGHTER ]AND OH MY GOD, HOW .

HERE WE HAVE MY CLOTHING RACK.
THIS IS WHERE THEY KEEP MY SIZE
ZERO PANTS.

>> YEAH.ER ]
THOSE ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE
CHILDREN'S PANTS.

>> CHILDREN'S PANTS.
SORT OF YOUR AREA OF EXPERTISE,
HUH?

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> LET'S NOT DO THIS, OKAY,
>> I'M ACTUALLY JUST GETTING

WORD RIGHT NOW THAT YOU SHOULD
BE QUIET.[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ALL RIGHT.

OKAY.
WELL, LET'S JUST -- CAN WE
PLEASE JUST KEEP GOING WITH YOUR

BACKSTAGE TOUR?
OKAY?>> AND WHAT DO WE HAVE HER?
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S COLIN

JOST'S DRESSING ROOM.
OR AS OUR FEMALE INTERNS LIKE TO
CALL IT, "THE CHAMBER OF

SECRETS."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY.

NOBODY CALLS IT THAT.
SARAH, PLEASE DO NOT GO IN
THERE.

>> TOO LATE!
FOLKS, THE SCENE IN HERE IS
ABYSMAL.

ON THIS MIRROR COLIN HAS PUT UP
ALL OF HIS HUMILIATING DAILY
AFFIRMATIONS.

YOU ARE FUNNY.
YOU ARE HANDSOME.
YOU ARE THE REAL KING OF STATEN

ISLAND.
[ APPLAUSE ] ONE JUST SAYS
"REMINDER, DINNER TONIGHT WITH

GIULIANI"?
>> SARAH, I DID NOT WRITE THOSE.
>> OH, MY GOD, COLIN.

WHAT, ARE YOU OBSESSED WITH ME?
>> THOSE ARE NOT MINE.
THOSE ARE NOT MINE EITHER.

YOU CLEARLY PUT THOSE IN THERE.
>> OH, REALLY?
WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN?

OH, A THING THAT I THREW?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT WAS A --

>> OH, MY GOD.
AND WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE, FOLKS?
IT'S COLIN'S FAMOUS INTERN CAGE.

[ LAUGHTER ]S LIKE SOMEBODY MESA
STARBUCKS ORDER.
HEY, BUDDY, FOR NEXT TIME, COLIN

LIKES HIS COFFEE WITH NO MILK,
NO SUGAR, NO COFFEE, AND JUST
VODKA.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SARAH, I TOLD YOU, YOU HAVE
TO STOP PUTTING INTERNS IN CAGES

IN MY DRESSING ROOM.
>> OH, MY GOD, COLIN, ARE YOU
COLLECTING MY UNDERWEAR?

WOW.
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU'RE THE GUY
I'VE BEEN SELLING THESE TO.

[ LAUGHTER ] ALL RIGHT.
SOMEONE, PLEASE JUST CUT HER
FEED OFF.

>> I'M ACTUALLY JUST GETTING
WORD RIGHT NOW THAT WE HAVE
BREAKING NEWS FROM THE UPDATE

DESK FROM MY CORRESPONDENT AND
BEST FRIEND MICHAEL CHE.
>> THANKS, SARAH.

THIS JUST IN.
LOCAL PANTY SNIFFER COLIN JOST
WANTS TO SILENCE SARAH SHERMAN

IN HIS ONGOING QUEST TO TAKE
DOWN JEWISH WOMEN?
BACK TO YOU, COLIN.

>> ALL RIGHT.
FIELD CORRESPONDENT SARAH
SHERMAN, EVERYONE.

>> LOVE YOU, COLIN.
>> FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE" I'M
COLIN JOST.

>> AND I'M SARAH.
>> AND I'M MICHAEL CHE.
GOOD NIGHT!

GOOD NIGHT!
>> GOOD NIGHT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> ONCE UPON A TIME, A PRINCE
JOURNEYED TO A FAR AWAY KINGDOM,
AND AFTER BRAVELY SLAYING THE

LOCAL DRAGON WON THE CHANCE TO
CHOOSE A PRINCESS FOR HIS BRIDE.
>> OH, PRINCE EDMUND, WELCOME TO

OUR BIG COLD CASTLE IN EUROPE.
>> 'TIS AN HONOR, YOUR HIGHNESS.
>> GOOD JOB KILLING OUR DRAGON.

NO ONE ASKED YOU TO, BUT THANK
YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU MAY NOW MEET OUR DAUGHTERS
THREE AND CHOOSE ONE TO BE YOUR
BRIDE.

>> YES.
SURELY ONE OF THEM WILL BE MORE
BEAUTIFUL THAN THE REST.

OR KNOWING MY LUCK, ONE WILL BE
WEIRD.
>> BRING OUT MY DAUGHTERS,

PLEASE.
**
>> HMM.

FAIR MAIDENS!
SO COOL TO SEE.
>> MEET MY FIRST DAUGHTER,

LUCILLIA.
>> 'TIS AN HONOR TO STAND BEFORE
YOU, FAIR PRINCE.

>> WOW.
OKAY.
I LOVE THAT.

>> MY SECOND DAUGHTER, REGALIA.
>> I KNOW NOT WHAT TO SAY, AND
YET I FEEL NOT THREATENED,

PRINCE.
>> GOOD.
GOOD.

MAKES SENSE.
>> AND MY THIRD DAUGHTER,
BLONDELIA.

>> HELLO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY.

IS THAT IT?
>> NICE TO MEET YOU.
>> RIGHT.

OKAY.
SURE.
>> IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

>> YEAH.
I GUESS I JUST THOUGHT THERE
WOULD BE SOMETHING MESSED UP

ABOUT HER BECAUSE THERE'S THREE
OF THEM AND THE THIRD ONE IS
HER.

>> I TAKE GREAT OFFENSE!
>> NO, I'M SORRY.
IT'S JUST USUALLY LIKE ONE'S

PRETTY, ONE'S SMART, AND ONE HAS
SOMETHING LIKE REALLY WRONG WITH
THEM.

>> BUT YOU'VE ONLY JUST MET.
GIRLS, TELL THE PRINCE ABOUT
YOUR HOBBIES.

>> I, LUCILLIA, ENJOY PLAYING
JOLLY TUNES ON THE HARPSICHORD.
>> I LOVE DANCING.

AND DANCING AROUND.
>> AND ME?
I LIKE HARPSICHORD, AND I GUESS

ALSO DANCING.
>> OKAY.
IS THAT WHY SHE'S WEIRD, 'CAUSE

SHE COPIED HER THING?
>> WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT?
>> I MEAN, IT'S GOTTA BE

BLONDELIA, BUT I JUST CAN'T
FIGURE OUT WHY!
>> I LIKE PAINTING AS WELL, OR

ARCHERY?
I DON'T KNOW, MAN, I DON'T WHAT
YOU WANT ME TO SAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, I KNOW.
TELL HIM YOUR FAVORITE FOODS.

>> LITTLE CAKES.
>> STRAWBERRIES.
>> MUFFINS.

>> ALL RIGHT.
IS SHE LIKE OBSESSED WITH
MUFFINS?

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I FEEL LIKE PEOPLE LIKE
MUFFINS.

>> OKAY, NOW I'M KIND OF GETTING
PISSED OFF.
>> PRINCE EDMUND, WHAT WOULD YOU

LIKE TO ASK MY DAUGHTERS?
>> OKAY.
DO A LITTLE DANCE.

AS NORMAL AS YOU CAN.
**
ALL RIGHT.

ALL REGULAR HOT DANCING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
DOES ONE OF YOU HAVE, LIKE, A

WEIRD LAUGH OR SOMETHING?
WHAT ARE YOUR LAUGHS?
>> HUH-HEH-HUH-HUH.

>> OKAY.
IS IT HER?
BECAUSE THAT WAS AWFUL.

>> HA, HA, HA, HA.
>> HEY, HEY, HEY.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> THOSE WERE ALL BAD.
>> PRINCE EDMUND, YOU HAVE TO
HURRY.

YOU MUST MAKE YOUR CHOICE BEFORE
THE CLOCK STRIKES MIDNIGHT.
>> OOH, WHAT HAPPENS AT

MIDNIGHT?
>> IT'S JUST SO LATE.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I GIVE UP.
ALL RIGHT?
MAYBE I'LL JUST LEAVE AND GO

KILL A DIFFERENT DRAGON.
[ CRYING ]
OH, NO.

NO, I'M SORRY.
I'VE BEEN SO RUDE.
JUST BASED ON THE PRINCESSES

I'VE MET, SHE SHOULD HAVE LIKE A
BIG-ASS TOE OR LAY EGGS OR
SOMETHING.

>> FATHER, HE'S RIGHT.
SOMETIMES ONE OF THE GIRLS IS
WEIRD, ON PURPOSE.

SHE'LL MAKE A JOKE OUT OF
HERSELF BEFORE ANYONE CAN JUDGE
HER.

>> MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE WE HAVE TO
JUMP THROUGH CRAZY HOOPS FOR
PRINCES LIKE YOU, DRAGON DORK.

>> MAYBE IT'S A METAPHOR FOR
BEING DIFFERENT, OR UGLY, OR
STUPID, OR GAY.

I DON'T KNOW, I'M JUST GUESSING,
I'M VERY NORMAL.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I SEE.
I'M SORRY I WAS JUDGMENTAL.
THE TRUTH IS, I'M DRAWN TO

BLONDELIA, THOUGH I FEAR THERE'S
A CATCH.
>> ISN'T THAT LOVE, YOUNG MAN?

>> I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
I CHOOSE NUMBER THREE,

BLONDELIA.
>> OH!
>> HUZZAH, PRINCE EDMUND AND

BLONDELIA!
BLESSINGS UPON YOU.
>> I LOVE YOU, BLONDELIA, AND

YOU SHALL BE MY WIFE.
>> AND I LOVE YOU.
GOODBYE, FATHER.

GOODBYE, DEAR SISTERS.
GOOD-BYE.
>> GOODBYE.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THERE WE GO, GOOD OLD NUMBER
THREE.

THREE.
GETS THEM EVERY TIME.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> AH, DAMN, WE ALL OUT.
I'M GOING TO GO DOWN TO THE
BODEGA AND GET SOME REAL QUICK.

>> RIGHT NOW?
>> YEAH, IT'S RIGHT DOWNSTAIRS.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> PSST, DON'T TRUST HIM.
>> WHO SAID THAT?
>> YOU DID.

I'M YOUR INTUITION.
HE'S NOT GETTING PAPER TOWELS
GIRL, HE'S CHEATING.

>> NO, HE'S NOT.
>> HE USUALLY WIPES HIS HANDS ON
HIS PANTS AND NOW HE NEEDS

BOUNTY?
>> OKAY, SO WHERE IS HE?
* HE BY THAT BITCH HOUSE *

>> WHA?
* BY THAT BITCH HOUSE *
>> WHAT'S THAT MEAN.

* THAT MEAN YOUR MAN
IS CREEPING
HE BY THAT BITCH HOUSE *

>> OKAY, SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO?
* YOU HACK INTO HIS

INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT
TO SEE IF HE TELLING
THE TRUTH *

>> HOW?
* LIKE THIS
FIRST YOU CHECK ALL

OF HIS MESSAGES
DMs BEFORE HE DELETE THEM *
* CHECK HIS LOCATION *

**
>> SO WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
>> BREAK HIS XBOX.

>> OKAY.
>> WHOA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO
MY XBOX?

>> I DON'T KNOW.
I FELT YOU WERE CHEATING OR
SOMETHING, I'M SO SORRY.

>> BABY, WHAT?
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GOING TO GO OUT AND GET MY

XBOX OUT THE DAMN STREET AND
WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS.
NEED SOME DAMN PAPE EVERYTOWELS.

>> YOU REALLY THINK HE'S GOING
TO GET A BROKEN XBOX?
>> GO AWAY.

* HE BY THAT BITCH HOUSE *
>> HE'S NOT.
* BY THAT BITCH HOUSE *

>> I CAN SEE HIM.
* HE BY THAT BITCH HOUSE *
>> WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED

TO DO?
* WE NEED TO CHECK
ALL HIS POCKETS

THEN LOOK IN THE CLOSET
SEE IF HE GOT NUMBERS *
* THEN I LOOK UP

IN THE CLOSET
FIND LIPSTICK ON COLLARS*
* AND SPILLED PERFUME ON HIS

CLOTHES *
>> IT SMELLS NORMAL.
>> THEN BREAK HIS TV.

>> OKAY.
>> COME ON, THIS CANNOT HAPPEN
EVERY TIME I LEAVE THE DAMN

HOUSE.
>> I'M SORRY, IT'S JUST I'VE
DATED SO MANY BASKETBALL PLAYERS

AND CELEBRITIES.
>> I'M SORRY, WHAT NOW?
>> YOU'RE NOT LIKE THEM.

YOU'RE MY LITTLE JOHNNY.
>> OKAY, WE'RE GOING TO TALK
ABOUT THAT NICKNAME.

>> OKAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GOING TO COOL DOWN AND MEET

ME IN THE BEDROOM.
>> OKAY.
[ DINGS ]

* I THINK SHE THINK
YOU CHEATING
AND IF SHE DO THAT MEANS THAT

SHE THE ONE WHO OUT THERE
CREEPING *
>> WAIT WHAT?

* SHE PROBABLY GETTING
DUDE NUDES
GETTING DUDE NUDES

FOR REAL *
* GETTING DUDE NUDES
AND ALL THEIR THINGIES ARE

BIGGER THAN YOURS *
* WE GOTTA HANDLE THIS
CAREFULLY

BREAK IN HER PHONE
CHECK THE WHOLE HISTORY *
* HERE'S HOW YOU UNLOCK IT

QUICKLY FIRST STOP IT'S BIRTHDAY
THEN SOCIAL SECURITY *
* IF THAT DON'T WORK THEN

UNLOCK IT BY FACING THE PHONE
TO HER FACE *
* WHILE SHE SLEEPING *

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,
WHO WOULD EVEN BE TEXTING HER?
>> I DON'T KNOW.

LeBRON JAMES?
>> WHAT THE HELL?
>> WHO YOU TEXTING THIS LATE?

IS IT LeBRON?
>> IT'S MY MOTHER.
>> I DIDN'T KNOW THAT, BUT NOW

IT'S I'M TOO MAD AND IT'S TOO
LATE TO BE RATIONAL.
>> SO AM I!

>> ALL RIGHT.
WELL, WHAT IN THE HELL WE GONNA
DO?

* HAVE ANGRY SEX *
>> OKAY.
* HAVE ANGRY SEX *

* HAVE ANGRY SEX *
>> SOUNDS GOOD.
* HAVE ANGRY SEX *

FOR YOUR MASCOT, SAL THE
SPOOKED HORSE.
[ APPLAUSE ]

WELL, NOW THE GUIDANCE
COUNSELORS WANTED TO GIVE SOME
ADVICE BEFORE GRADUATION SEASON.

SO PLEASE WELCOME MR. AND MRS.
BARBIZAR.
>> HI.

>> GOOD MORNING.
>> WHAT AN HONOR TO ADDRESS THE
OLD DIRTY BASTARD HIGH SCHOOL

CLASS OF 2022.
>> WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU.
A LOT OF YOU ARE UNSURE WHAT TO

DO AFTER HIGH SCHOOL.
THERE ARE SO MANY CAREER PATHS.
>> IT'S HARD TO KNOW WHAT YOU'LL

LIKE OR WHAT YOU'RE GOOD AT.
>> SO OUR ADVICE TO EVERYONE IS
MODEL.

>> MODEL.
>> GET INTO MODELING.
>> MODELING.

>> SORRY, ARE YOU SAYING WE
SHOULD BE MODELS AFTER WE
GRADUATE?

>> YES, EXACTLY.
MODELS.
>> OUR ADVICE TO STUDENTS IS

MODEL.
>> BECAUSE AT THIS MOMENT YOU'RE
THE YOUNGEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN

AND MAYBE YOU JUST MISSED IT.
>> MAYBE IT WOULD HELP IF AN
ALUM COMES OUT AND TALKS TO YOU

ABOUT HER EXPERIENCE MODELING?
>> DO YOU GUYS WANT THAT?
>> YEAH, YOU DO.

>> PLEASE WELCOME SPOKESPERSON
FOR MODELING FROM THE CLASS OF
2017, NINNE SYNC.

>> WOW.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME.
WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, THE

ONE THING I WISH SOMEONE TOLD ME
WAS, MODEL.
>> SEE?

>> MODEL.
>> AND NOW I AM PROUD TO SAY I
AM THE FIRST PERSON IN MY FAMILY

TO NOT GO TO COLLEGE.
>> CONGRATULATIONS.
NINNE, THE TIME HAS COME.

LET'S SHOW THEM HOW TO DO
80 POSES IN 5 SECONDS.
>> HIT THE TRACK.

** WOW.
THAT WAS AMAZING.
>> ANY QUESTIONS?

>> HI.
YEAH, I'M REALLY GOOD AT MATH
AND I REALLY LOVE MATH.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE AN
ACCOUNTANT.
DO I HAVE TO BE A MODEL?

>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO, BUT LET ME
ASK YOU THIS.
DO YOU WANT TO LIVE IN PARIS OR

SYRACUSE?
>> DO YOU WANT TO WORK AT H & M
OR H & R BLOCK?

>> DO YOU WANT TO DO LEONARDO
DiCAPRIO OR DO TAXES WITH
SOMEONE NAMED LEON DE NOTHING?

HOW TALL ARE YOU?
>> 5'6".
>> KEEP LOOKING AT THAT.

>> I LIKE YOUR LOOK.
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
>> 17.

>> STAY THAT AGE FOREVER.
>> SHOW THEM 100 FACES IN 20
SECONDS.

GO.
**
>> WOW, AMAZING.

>> WAIT, SO ARE YOU GUYS MODELS?
DO YOU HAVE MODELING EXPERIENCE?
>> WELL, I MODELED FOR HOLLYWOOD

LEGEND ROBERT DURST.
THAT WAS THE LAST THING HE SAW.
>> DO YOU WANT TO COME WITH US

AND MODEL ALL OVER THE WORLD?
>> I WANT TO BE A MODEL!
>> OKAY.

EVERYONE DO 10,000 POSES IN 1
MILLION SECONDS.
>> MUSIC!

MILLION SECONDS.
>> MUSIC!
**

>>> ONCE AGAIN, POST MALONE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

**

**
**

* I WOKE UP ON THE GROUND
I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE
KEPT THAT TO MYSELF *

* TURNS OUT I'M PRETTY GOOD
AT RUNNING MY MOUTH
BUT NOT GOOD ENOUGH *

* YOU KNOW WHEN I GO IN
IT'S LIGHTS OUT
I COULDN'T HEAR A THING *

* 'CAUSE THE SONG
WAS TOO LOUD *
* LAST NIGHT I HAD 32 TEETH

IN MY MOUTH
SOME WENT AWAY *
* WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO

AND RUIN MY DAY *
* YOU'RE THE REASON WHY
I GOT MY ASS KICKED

BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY WAY
TO DROWN MY SADNESS *
* THIS IS MY LOVE-HATE

LETTER TO ALCOHOL
YOU'RE THE REASON WHY
I GOT MY ASS KICKED *

* I WAS LAYING DOWN
FLAT LIKE A CENTERFOLD
DIDN'T HEAR HIS CAR

BUT HE DROVE ME HOME *
* LOOKIN' IN THE MIRROR
SOMETHING'S WRONG

LET ME GET MY DENTIST
ON THE PHONE *
* FOUND MY KEYS

AND I WENT BACK OUT
DON'T ASK ME HOW IT
ALL WENT DOWN *

* BUT I REMEMBER LIKE
IT'S YESTERDAY
I TOOK A SHOT

TOOK A SHOT *
* TOOK A SHOT
TOOK ANOTHER SHOT *

* FELL RIGHT OUT MY COMFY CHAIR
SWINGING 40s HIGH
THEN A BIG CHROME RING

FLEW IN FROM THE SIDE *
* I THOUGHT I DIED
WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO

AND RUIN MY NIGHT *
* YOU'RE THE REASON WHY
I GOT MY ASS KICKED

BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY WAY
TO DROWN MY SADNESS *
* THIS IS MY LOVE-HATE

LETTER OUT TO ALCOHOL
YOU'RE THE REASON WHY
I GOT MY ASS KICKED *

**

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> DUDE, YOUR HOUSE IS SICK.

>> AND YOU'RE SURE YOUR PARENTS
ARE GONE FOR THE NIGHT?
>> TOTALLY, IT'S THEIR

ANNIVERSARY.
SO THEY'LL BE FIGHTING AT A NICE
RESTAURANT FOR THE NEXT SIX

HOURS.
>> THAT'S SO COOL.
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY TRUST

YOU TO BE HOME ALONE.
>> WELL, SOMEONE HAD TO WATCH
THE TWINS.

>> WAIT, THE TWINS?
>> YEAH.
MY BABY BROTHER AND BABY SISTER.

LOOK, THEY'RE ON THE BABY
MONITOR.
>> AW!

THEY'RE SO SWEET.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I GUESS I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU

WERE BABYSITTING.
>> YEAH, I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING
TO RAGE TONIGHT.

>> NO, WE CAN STILL TOTALLY
PARTY ALL NIGHT LONG.
ON THAT NOTE, WHO WANTS TO DRINK

MY DAD'S BEER?
>> ME!
[ CRYING ]

>> UH-OH, I THINK ONE OF THE
BABIES ARE UP.
>> DON'T WORRY.

THEY'LL GO BACK TO SLEEP.
>> I THINK SHE ACTUALLY JUST
WOKE HER BROTHER UP.

[ CRYING ]
DAMN.
THEIR EYES ARE FREAKY.

>> IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN YOU CATCH
RACCOONS.
>> GUYS, LET'S FOCUS.

LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED.
>> SOUNDS LIKE THEY'RE STILL
CRYING, THOUGH.

>> SHOULDN'T YOU GO IN THERE AND
COMFORT THEM OR SOMETHING?
>> NO, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LET

THEM SELF-SOOTHE.
[ LOUD CRYING ]
>> OKAY, THAT DOESN'T SEEM

SELF-SOOTHING.
>> THEY'LL BE ASLEEP IN TWO
SECONDS.

I PROMISE.
>> YEAH, I DON'T THINK SO.
NOW THEY'RE DOING LAPS AROUND

THE CRIB.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, THAT'S GOOD.

THAT WILL TUCKER THEM OUT.
>> I'M NOT SO SURE.
>> YEAH, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY

THIS BUT IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE
STUNTING BUCK WILD.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YEAH.
I GAVE THEM ONE M&M EACH BEFORE
BED SO THEY ARE LOADED WITH

SUGAR RIGHT NOW.
>> WAIT, ARE YOU ALLOWED TO GIVE
BABIES CHOCOLATE?

>> YEAH, MEGHAN, THEY'RE NOT
DOGS, THEY'RE BABIES.
GUYS, I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO

PARTY.
>> WE DID.
BUT THIS IS DEFINITELY MORE

INTERESTING.
>> YEAH.
IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE FIGHTING.

>> THEY'RE JUST ROUGHHOUSING.
IT'S WHAT SIBLINGS DO.
>> WAIT, ACTUALLY, I HAVE A BABY

BROTHER AND SISTER AND I HAVE
NEVER SEEN THEM DO THAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> OH, MY GOD!
DO SOMETHING BEFORE HER HEAD
FLIES OFF.

>> UGH, FINE.
I'LL JUST GO GIVE THEM A PIECE
OF BREAD OR SOMETHING.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ARE BABIES SUPPOSED TO EAT
FULL PIECES OF BREAD?

>> I DON'T THINK SO.
BUT THE BABIES DEFINITELY SEEM
TO LIKE IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ALL RIGHT.
NOW WHO WANTS TO FOCUS ON

GETTING WASTED?
>> HONESTLY, I DON'T WANT TO GET
DRUNK ANYMORE.

I JUST WANT TO SIT HERE AND
WATCH THESE BABIES GO HARD.
>> WAIT, WHAT THE HELL?

>> HEY, MA, YOU GOT ANY MILK?
THIS BREAD IS MAD DRY.
>> WHO IS THAT?

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I DON'T KNOW.
SOMETIMES HE'S THERE AND

SOMETIMES HE'S NOT.
>> THAT'S NOT CONCERNING TO YOU?
>> NO.

NOW, WHO WANTS TO CHUG HAND
SANITIZER AND TRY ON MY DAD'S
UNDERWEAR?

>> NONE OF US!
>> GINA, WHY ARE YOU ACTING SO
CRAZY?

>> GINA, WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO
PARTY SO HARD?
THESE BABIES NEED YOU.

>> LOOK, GUYS.
THIS MIGHT COME AS A COMPLETE
SHOCK TO YOU BUT I'M NOT A HUGE

PARTY GIRL.
I'VE NEVER EVEN HAD A SIP OF
ALCOHOL.

>> YEAH, OBVIOUSLY.
>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WHAT ARE
THEY LOOKING AT?

>> IS THAT A BABY MONITOR?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, MY GOD.

THEY'RE WATCHING US?
**
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>>> THANKS TO POST MALONE,