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00:00:07,474 --> 00:00:17,684
>> HELLO EVERYONE.
IT'S REALLY ME, THE EASTER
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00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:22,055
BUNNY.
EITHER THAT OR YOU'RE AT
COACHELLA AND THE 'SHROOMS ARE
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00:00:22,055 --> 00:00:26,393
KICKING IN.
HOW IS EVERYONE TONIGHT?
THIS IS SUCH AN EXCITING TIME,
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00:00:26,393 --> 00:00:30,263
ISN'T IT?
MINUS THE WORLD, OH SO MUCH FUN.
OF COURSE, I SPENT THE LAST FEW
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00:00:30,263 --> 00:00:36,169
MONTHS LAYING MY WEIRD PASTEL
RABBIT EGGS, SHOWED THEM TO MY
DOCTOR.
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00:00:36,169 --> 00:00:40,707
AND HE SAID SOMETHING'S
SERIOUSLY WRONG.
WHAT'S HAPPENING INSIDE YOU.
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00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:42,475
BUT I'M A RABBIT, SO I HAVE 800
KIDS.
THAT'S WHY I SPEND SO MANY DAYS
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00:00:42,475 --> 00:00:45,412
ON THE ROAD, DUCKING CHILD
SUPPORT.
I GET THEM ON ETSY BECAUSE I
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00:00:45,412 --> 00:00:57,057
SUPPORT WOMEN AND THEIR LITTLE
HOBBIES.
NOW REMEMBER THE SMEAR SPIRIT OF
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00:00:57,057 --> 00:01:01,161
EASTER IS ABOUT RENEWAL AND THE
BIRTH.
THAT'S WHY I'VE INVITED FOLKS
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00:01:01,161 --> 00:01:09,069
FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE.
IT'S ABOUT RENEWAL AND REBIRTH.
THAT'S WHY I'VE INVITED FOLKS
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00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:10,770
FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE TO SHARE
THEIR HOPES FOR THIS EASTER
SEASON.
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00:01:10,770 --> 00:01:14,841
TAKE IT AWAY, DR. ANTHONY FAUCI.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> IT'S ME, YOUR BOY, FAUCI, I
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00:01:14,841 --> 00:01:18,178
KNOW, I KNOW.
I'M STILL HERE.
TURNS OUT I'M LIKE LIZARD.
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00:01:18,178 --> 00:01:21,781
NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY TO
GET RID OF ME, I'M STILL HERE.
I'M NOT STUPID ENOUGH TO THINK
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00:01:21,781 --> 00:01:28,355
YOU'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO FOLLOW
IT.
ALL I CAN SAY IS COVID CASES ARE
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00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:41,401
A LOT LIKE JESUS, THEY'VE RISEN
AGAIN.
MY HOPE IS THIS EASTER THAT
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00:01:41,401 --> 00:01:57,684
WE'LL BE RESPECTFUL TOWARD EACH
OTHER, LIKE IF YOU SEE AN
ELDERLY WOMAN WEARING A MASK
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00:01:57,684 --> 00:02:00,220
IF YOU'RE VACCINATED, YOU'RE
GOING TO BE FINE.
BUT IF YOU'RE NOT VACCINATED,
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00:02:00,220 --> 00:02:02,122
I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THIS,
BUT I HONESTLY DON'T CARE WHAT
HAPPENS TO YOU.
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00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:03,757
HAPPY EASTER, EVERYBODY.
>> HELLO.
I'M DR. OZ, AMERICA'S OTHER
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00:02:03,757 --> 00:02:05,291
DOCTOR.
SOME OF YOU THINK IS DOCTOR JUST
HIS FIRST NAME?
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00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:09,596
I'M AN AUTHOR, ENTREPRENEUR, AND
LONG-TIME RESIDENT OF NEW
JERSEY, WHICH IS WHY I'M RUNNING
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00:02:09,596 --> 00:02:20,273
FOR SENATOR IN PENNSYLVANIA.
I WAS JUST ENDORSED BY DONALD
TRUMP BECAUSE YOU KNOW HE HAS
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00:02:20,273 --> 00:02:22,442
AMAZING TASTE IN DOCTORS.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL THE SAME
ADVICE I TOLD DONALD, IF YOU'RE
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00:02:22,442 --> 00:02:24,210
BORED, EAT SOMETHING.
IF YOU EAT FAST ENOUGH, IT
COUNTS AS EXERCISE.
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00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:25,979
AND REMEMBER BREAKFAST IS THE
MOST IMPORTANT CHEESE BURGER OF
THE DAY.
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00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:27,847
DONALD, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
YOUR SUPPORT.
YOU'RE GOING TO BE SO SURPRISED
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00:02:27,847 --> 00:02:37,624
WHEN YOU FIND OUT I'M MUSLIM.
>> HUT.
I MIGHT HAVE TOLD YOU A FEW
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00:02:37,624 --> 00:02:39,993
FIBS, BUT IN MY DEFENSE, DEFENSE
IS A WORD FROM FOOTBALL, AND
FOOTBALL IS A THING THAT I
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00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,728
PLAYED AND I AM ME AND ME AS
MYSELF.
I HOPE THAT CLEARS THINGS UP.
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00:02:41,728 --> 00:02:43,329
LET'S GO GEORGIA.
>> WOW, WOW.
THESE DAYS THEY'LL LET ANYONE
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00:02:43,329 --> 00:02:44,698
INTO CONGRESS.
HI.
I'M MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE.
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00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:46,700
AND AS I'VE BEEN SAYING
AGGRESSIVELY TO ALL MY JEWISH
AND MUSLIM COLLEAGUES, HAPPY
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00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:48,268
EASTER.
THIS RIFLE IS CHOCOLATE, BUT THE
BULLETS ARE REAL.
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00:02:48,268 --> 00:02:50,303
NOW, I'M WORRIED ABOUT EASTER.
BETWEEN THE PASTELS AND THE
JELLY BEANS, THIS HOLIDAY'S
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00:02:50,303 --> 00:02:52,105
GOTTEN A LITTLE TOO LGBQRSA FOR
ME.
AND THERE IS NOTHING GAY ABOUT
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00:02:52,105 --> 00:02:54,207
EASTER, A DAY WHEN A BUNCH OF
MALE PRIESTS WORSHIP A GUY WITH
GREAT ABS AND TALK ABOUT WANTING
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00:02:54,207 --> 00:02:55,875
TO EAT HIS BODY.
THAT'S GREAT STUFF.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW THE
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00:02:55,875 --> 00:02:57,944
NEWS, BUT SCIENTISTS HAVE
DISCOVERED A SPACE LASER, JUST
AS I PREDICTED.
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00:02:57,944 --> 00:03:03,116
WE DON'T KNOW FOR SURE THAT IT'S
JEWISH YET, BUT WHAT ELSE COULD
IT BE?
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00:03:03,116 --> 00:03:14,294
THAT IS WHY THIS EASTER, I'M
RAISING MONEY FOR A GIGANTIC
MIRROR THAT WE CAN SPEND INTO
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00:03:14,294 --> 00:03:18,264
SPACE TO REFLECT THE SPACE BACK
TO ISRAEL.
GO TO
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00:03:18,264 --> 00:03:35,915
TO ISRAEL.
GO TO
MTGSPACEMIRRORWEGOTYOUNOWYOUS.
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00:03:40,253 --> 00:03:43,289
BYE.
>> HELLO.
SO, I AM ELON MUSK.
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00:03:43,289 --> 00:03:45,125
I AM HERE TO OFFICIALLY BUY
EASTER.
I'M OFFERING 43 BILLION PEEPS.
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00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:46,659
TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.
HA, HA, HA, HA, HA.
THAT WAS A JOKE.
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00:03:46,659 --> 00:03:54,501
HA, HA, HA, HA, HA.
DO YOU GET IT?
THAT'S WHY AFTERWARDS, I SAY,
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00:03:54,501 --> 00:04:00,040
THAT WAS A JOKE, SO YOU KNOW IT
WAS A JOKE.
LOOK, I KNOW PEOPLE DON'T WANT
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00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:02,842
ME TO BUY TWITTER, BUT WHY?
YOU'RE WORRIED I'LL MAKE TWITTER
BAD?
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00:04:02,842 --> 00:04:04,678
HAVE YOU BEEN ON TWITTER?
TWITTER'S SLOGAN IS "TWITTER:
IT'S BAD."
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00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:09,049
WHAT ARE YOU SCARED I'LL BUY
NEXT?
THE OSCARS?
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00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:19,859
HA, HA, HA.
THAT WAS A JOKE.
HAPPY NON-RELIGIOUS SUNDAY!
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00:04:19,859 --> 00:04:21,594
>> WOW!
THAT GUY WAS FUNNY.
HEY, Y'ALL, IT'S ME, BRITNEY.
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00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:25,465
AND I BET YOU DIDN'T THINK I
COULD DO THIS.
THAT AND -- ARE BASICALLY MY
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00:04:25,465 --> 00:04:32,472
INSTAGRAM NOW.
REMEMBER SIX MONTHS AGO WHEN
EVERYONE WAS LIKE, WE NEED TO
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00:04:32,472 --> 00:04:37,977
GET HER OUT OF THIS
CONSERVATORSHIP.
AND NOW YOU'RE ALL LIKE,
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00:04:37,977 --> 00:04:42,315
SOMEONE'S GOING TO CHECK IN ON
HER, RIGHT?
WELL, DON'T WORRY.
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00:04:42,315 --> 00:04:45,352
I KNOW I'M A LITTLE ON THE BUT
I'M FINALLY FREE, AND MY EASTER
PRESENT IS THAT I'M HAVING A
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00:04:45,352 --> 00:04:50,623
BABY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I JUST PRAY THAT MY BABY IS BORN
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00:04:50,623 --> 00:04:58,932
HAPPY, HEALTHY, AND WITH POWER
OF ATTORNEY.
HAPPY EASTER, EVERYONE.
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00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:09,609
>> HEY.
IT'S ME, JESUS CHRIST.
JUST KIDDING.
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00:05:09,609 --> 00:05:17,317
I'M JARED LETO.
IT'S WHAT I WORE TO KIDS CHOICE
AWARDS.
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00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:21,221
YOU KNOW, MY EASTER MESSAGE THIS
YEAR IS SIMPLE.
POSITIVITY.
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00:05:21,221 --> 00:05:29,829
SO, IF YOU GO TO SEE MY NEW
MOVIE, "MORBIUS," PLEASE DON'T
REVIEW IT.
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00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:33,466
IF YOU'RE THE KIND OF PERSON WHO
REVIEWS MOVIES, "MORBIUS" JUST
ISN'T RIGHT FOR YOU.
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00:05:33,466 --> 00:05:35,335
NO MATTER WHAT, YOU CANNOT DENY
I'M HAVING A MOMENT.
NOW IT'S TIME FOR LETO.
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00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:41,675
I'LL SEE YOU ON THE BIG SCREEN.
AND THE TWO LITTLE SCREENS
BEHIND YOUR EYELIDS WHEN YOU GO
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00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:46,680
TO SLEEP.
LOVE PEACE.
>> SO MANY FASCINATING
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00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:48,782
VIEWPOINTS AND "MORBIUS."
I GUESS IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY,
SPRING IS A BEAUTIFUL REMINDER
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00:05:48,782 --> 00:05:50,583
OF WHAT CHANGE CAN BRING.
>> EXCUSE ME.
I WAS TOLD WE WERE DOING EASTER
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00:05:50,583 --> 00:05:57,090
WISHES.
>> EXCUSE ME.
>> I WAS TOLD WE WERE DOING
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00:05:57,090 --> 00:06:02,495
EASTER WISHES, AND I WAS NOT
GIVEN MY TURN.
THIS IS VERY, VERY UNFAIR.
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00:06:02,495 --> 00:06:04,531
ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF HOW WHITES
ARE BEING HORRIBLY MISTREATED IN
THIS COUNTRY.
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00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:06,032
>> ALL RIGHT.
FINE.
GO AHEAD.
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00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:12,839
>> EASTER IS A TIME FOR BASKETS
AND BUNNIES AND FRANKLY BONNETS.
AND LET'S NOT FORGET EGG.
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00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:20,413
YOU HAVE EASTER EGG, CADBURY
EGG, AND MY FAVORITE, WHICH IS
REESES EGG.
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00:06:20,413 --> 00:06:27,487
THE REESES EGG DOESN'T LOOK LIKE
EGG, BUT I LIKE REESE.
I'M VERY GOOD FRIENDS WITH
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00:06:27,487 --> 00:06:31,658
REESE.
WE'RE VERY GOOD FRIENDS.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT REESE SAYS?
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00:06:31,658 --> 00:06:34,694
HE SAYS, NOT SORRY.
REESE SAYS IN A VERY DEEP VOICE,
NOT SORRY.
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00:06:34,694 --> 00:06:41,434
AND THAT'S GOOD.
WE DON'T LIKE FOOD TO APOLOGIZE,
DO WE?
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00:06:41,434 --> 00:06:47,207
LIKE THAT AWFUL CAPTAIN CRUNCH.
HE WAS VERY RUDE TO ME AT COUNT
CHOCULA'S 500TH BIRTHDAY.
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00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:49,976
AWFUL MAN.
BUT HE WAS DOING OOPS ALL
BERRIES.
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00:06:49,976 --> 00:06:54,781
YOU'RE HEARING IT ALL THE TIME.
LIKE IT'S AMAZING.
WHY SAY OOPS?
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00:06:54,781 --> 00:06:57,650
OKAY.
WE LIKE CRUNCH BERRIES.
BERRIES SO BEAUTIFUL.
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00:06:57,650 --> 00:07:01,688
I'VE HEARD WE HAVE SOME OF THE
BEST BERRIES.
RIGHT MR. BUNNY?
87
00:07:01,688 --> 00:07:09,029
>> WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?
>> SOME PEOPLE ARE -- EXCUSE ME.
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00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:15,101
SOME PEOPLE ARE SAYING I'M NOT
HEALTHY, OKAY?
I'M VERY GOOD WITH HEALTH.
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00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:17,837
VERY GOOD HEALTH.
HEALTHY LIKE A HORSE, LIKE SEA
BISCUIT.
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00:07:17,837 --> 00:07:20,407
SEA BISCUIT -- I EAT BISCUIT.
FRANKLY WE'RE DOING GREAT THINGS
WITH BISCUIT AND BUN AND BREAD.
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00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:25,779
WE'RE DOING CRAZY BREAD.
LITTLE CAESARS, YOU KNOW?
WHEN I WAS PRESIDENT, THEIR
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00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:29,082
BREAD WAS A LOT CRAZIER AND
CAESAR WASN'T SO LITTLE.
HE WAS BIG AND STRONG.
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00:07:29,082 --> 00:07:30,784
BIGGER THAN I'VE EVER SEEN.
I ACTUALLY TOLD HIM TO SAY PIZZA
PIZZA.
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00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:33,453
HE NEEDS TO SAY IT ONCE.
I SAID, WE SHOULD BE SAYING IT
TWICE.
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00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:39,059
WE SHOULD SAY IT TWICE.
>> OKAY.
I'M ACTUALLY JUST GOING TO WALK
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00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:41,928
AWAY.
YOU WIN.
YOU CAN HAVE EASTER.
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00:07:41,928 --> 00:07:45,899
>> AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WOULD LOVE TO MEET BUNNY
BECAUSE I TOLD AMERICA COVID
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00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:52,372
WOULD BE OVER BY EASTER.
I JUST SAY WHICH ONE.
SO, SAY IT EVERYONE, HAPPY
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00:07:52,372 --> 00:08:00,447
EASTER AND --
>> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
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00:08:00,447 --> 00:08:00,780
>> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
SATURDAY NIGHT!
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00:09:59,799 --> 00:10:03,770
HOST AND MUSICAL GUEST LIZZO!
**
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00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:14,647
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --
LIZZO!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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00:10:14,647 --> 00:10:30,130
**
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU!
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00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:35,735
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
MY NAME IS LIZZO, AND, YES, I'M
SHOCKED I HAVE CLOTHES ON TOO.
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00:10:35,735 --> 00:10:40,240
I'M REALLY EXCITED.
TONIGHT, WE'RE GOING TO MAKE
HISTORY.
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00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,142
THAT'S RIGHT.
WE'RE GOING TO BREAK THE RECORD
FOR THE AMOUNT OF TIME BITCH IS
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00:10:42,142 --> 00:11:01,861
SAID ON LIVE TV!
BITCH, BITCH, BITCH.
THAT'S THREE MORE.
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00:11:01,861 --> 00:11:03,196
I HATE CUSSING IN FRONT OF MY
MOM.
HEY MAMA.
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00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:05,699
SHE NOT HERE RIGHT NOW, BUT MAKE
SOME NOISE.
MY MOM KNOWS WHEN I DO CUSS,
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00:11:05,699 --> 00:11:07,801
IT'S FOR PROFESSIONAL REASONS.
THE FIRST TIME MY MOM CAME TO
SEE ME PERFORM, I HAD TO WARN
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00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:13,807
HER, MOM, WHEN I'M ON STAGE, I'M
GONE SAY SOME BAD WORDS.
AT THE TIME, SHE DIDN'T LIKE
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00:11:13,807 --> 00:11:25,952
THAT, BUT NOW RICH SO SHE'S
LIKE, "BITCH, CUSS ME OUT."
BUT REALLY, THE LIZZO YOU SEE ON
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00:11:25,952 --> 00:11:32,992
STAGE IS DIFFERENT FROM THE REAL
ME.
I GOT A SERIOUS SIDE AS WELL.
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00:11:32,992 --> 00:11:41,935
LIKE, LAST YEAR, I HAD THE HONOR
OF GIVING A TED TALK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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00:11:41,935 --> 00:11:44,137
IT WAS VERY SERIOUS STUFF.
IT WAS ABOUT TWERKING.
GOOGLE IT.
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00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:47,273
IT WAS ACTUALLY ABOUT THE
HISTORY OF TWERKING AND HOW IT
COMES FROM WEST AFRICAN DANCES
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00:11:47,273 --> 00:11:50,877
LIKE MAPOUKA.
YEAH, I'M DEEPER THAN YOU
THOUGHT, RIGHT?
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00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:58,184
I'VE GOT BRAINS AND BOOTY.
BUT WHILE I'M HERE, I DO WANT TO
ADDRESS SOME RUMORS.
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00:11:58,184 --> 00:12:00,620
STREAM RUMORS FEATURING CARDI B.
I READ A LOT ONLINE THAT I'M
DATING EVERY LITTLE WHITE BOY IN
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00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:05,658
HOLLYWOOD.
THEY THINK I'M COLLECTING
MEMBERS OF ONE DIRECTION LIKE
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00:12:05,658 --> 00:12:14,768
INFINITY STONES.
AND I EVEN HEARD A RUMOR THAT
I'M PREGNANT WITH CHRIS EVANS'
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00:12:14,768 --> 00:12:19,172
BABY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THAT ONE
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00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:21,808
STARTED.
IT COULD BE THE TIKTOK WHERE I
SAID, I AM PREGNANT WITH
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00:12:21,808 --> 00:12:29,249
CHRIS EVANS' BABY, Y'ALL.
IT'S CALLED MANIFESTING, OKAY?
BUT I AM HONORED TO BE UP HERE
125
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:35,588
ON THIS STAGE.
WHEN I GOT THE CALL TO HOST
"SNL," I WAS PRETTY NERVOUS.
126
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:39,626
PEOPLE WERE LIKE, "BABY, HOW YOU
FEELING?"
I WAS LIKE, "DEAD AS HELL."
127
00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:41,428
THANK YOU.
I KNOW IT'S SHOCKING THAT I'M
NERVOUS BECAUSE I'M THE ONE WHO
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00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:44,130
SAID, "I JUST TOOK A DNA TEST,
TURNS OUT I'M 100% THAT BITCH."
NUMBER ONE.
129
00:12:44,130 --> 00:12:58,211
WELL, TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST,
I'M REALLY LIKE 50% THAT BITCH,
10% BOSS BITCH, AND 40% FLUTE
130
00:12:58,211 --> 00:13:04,084
PLAYING, BAND NERD BITCH.
BUT I'M THRILLED TO BE HOSTING
THIS PARTICULAR EPISODE,
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00:13:04,084 --> 00:13:07,153
ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I DO LOVE
TONIGHT'S MUSICAL GUEST.
ME!
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00:13:07,153 --> 00:13:20,100
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NO, FOR REAL, I DO LOVE MYSELF.
EVERYBODY SHOULD LOVE
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00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:25,739
THEMSELVES.
YOU KNOW, AT EVERY SHOW, I TELL
MY AUDIENCE THE SAME THING, AND
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00:13:25,739 --> 00:13:28,174
I'LL TELL Y'ALL TOO.
I LOVE YOU.
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.
135
00:13:28,174 --> 00:13:33,079
AND YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.
I'M LIVING PROOF OF THAT.
I USED TO LIVE IN MY CAR.
136
00:13:33,079 --> 00:13:39,285
NOW I'M UP HERE HOSTING
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
137
00:13:42,889 --> 00:13:44,591
SO, TRUST ME, ONCE YOU LOVE
YOURSELF, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE,
BITCH.
138
00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:46,092
THAT'S IT.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW
FOR YOU TONIGHT
139
00:13:46,092 --> 00:13:49,662
FOR YOU TONIGHT
STICK AROUND WE'LL
BE RIGHT BACK
140
00:13:57,971 --> 00:14:10,083
**
>> WELCOME TO "GUESS THAT!"
WHERE SPEED IS THE NAME OF THE
141
00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:19,926
GAME.
I'M YOUR HOST, CLINT LITTERS.
AND WE HAVE THREE WONDERFUL
142
00:14:19,926 --> 00:14:22,228
CONTESTANTS PLAYING -- TRACY,
NICOLE, AND KENNY.
NOW, WE ALL KNOW HOW THE GAME
143
00:14:22,228 --> 00:14:23,963
GOES.
I'LL ASK YOU GUYS A SERIES OF
RAPID FIRE TRIVIA QUESTIONS, AND
144
00:14:23,963 --> 00:14:27,500
IF YOU GET THEM RIGHT, I'LL GIVE
YOU SOME MONEY.
SOUND GOOD?
145
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:30,670
>> SOUNDS GREAT, CLINT.
>> YEAH, LET'S PLAY.
>> I'M READY.
146
00:14:30,670 --> 00:14:40,647
>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S START.
FIRST QUESTION -- THIS AMINO
ACID FOUND IN TURKEY IS KNOWN TO
147
00:14:40,647 --> 00:14:45,485
MAKE YOU SLEEPY.
[ CHIME ]
>> THAT WOULD BE TRYPTOPHAN,
148
00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:47,220
CLINT.
[ BELL DINGS ]
>> CORRECT.
149
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:48,922
$100 ON THE BOARD FOR TRACY.
NEXT QUESTION.
THIS SURGERY USES LASER
150
00:14:48,922 --> 00:14:55,895
TECHNOLOGY TO RESTORE VISION.
[ CHIME ]
>> I'VE ACTUALLY HAD THIS, IT'S
151
00:14:55,895 --> 00:15:05,538
LASIK SURGERY.
[ BELL DINGS ]
>> YES.
152
00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:08,174
THAT'S $100 FOR YOU, KENNY.
OKAY.
THIS NEW YORK CITY AIRPORT WAS
153
00:15:08,174 --> 00:15:09,843
NAMED AFTER THE 35TH PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.
[ CHIME ]
154
00:15:09,843 --> 00:15:11,544
>> ROBERT KENNEDY AIRPORT.
[ BUZZER ]
>> OH, SORRY, THAT'S ACTUALLY
155
00:15:11,544 --> 00:15:14,280
INCORRECT.
>> NO, IT'S NOT!
I WAS JUST THERE.
156
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:19,052
>> DOES ANYBODY ELSE WANT TO
GUESS?
[ CHIME ]
157
00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:21,287
>> MY BAD.
ROBERT F. KENNEDY AIRPORT.
[ BUZZER ]
158
00:15:21,287 --> 00:15:23,523
>> THAT'S STILL WRONG, NICOLE.
>> HOW YOU GONE TELL ME?
I WAS JUST STUCK IN THAT AIRPORT
159
00:15:23,523 --> 00:15:27,060
FOR FIVE HOURS 'CAUSE I PET A
BOMB-SNIFFING DOG AND THEY SAID
I RUINED HIM.
160
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:28,695
>> THAT'S VERY CONFUSING TO
HEAR.
[ CHIME ]
161
00:15:28,695 --> 00:15:31,664
KENNY?
>> IS IT JOHN F. KENNEDY
AIRPORT?
162
00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:33,266
[ BELL DINGS ]
>> THAT IS CORRECT.
>> I -- I JUST SAID THAT.
163
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:35,068
>> UH, NO, YOU SAID "ROBERT
KENNEDY."
>> OKAY, BUT YOU KNEW WHAT I
164
00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:42,108
MEANT.
>> OKAY, NICOLE.
WE HAVE A LOT MORE QUESTIONS.
165
00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:46,346
SO, THAT'S $100 FOR YOU, KENNY.
[ CHIME ]
>> AND WHAT DO I GET?
166
00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:52,318
>> YOU DON'T -- YOU DON'T GET
ANYTHING.
>> I GAVE HIM HALF THE ANSWER,
167
00:15:52,318 --> 00:15:57,090
SO I SHOULD GET HALF THE MONEY.
>> WELL, THAT'S NOT HOW THE GAME
WORKS.
168
00:15:57,090 --> 00:16:01,361
[ CHIME ]
>> OH, OKAY, SO THEY GIVE YOU A
LITTLE SUIT AND SOME BLUE CARDS
169
00:16:01,361 --> 00:16:11,738
AND NOW YOU'RE THE MAYOR OF GAME
TOWN?
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS,
170
00:16:11,738 --> 00:16:14,307
BUT YOU'RE SLOWING UP THE GAME.
ALL RIGHT.
NEXT QUESTION.
171
00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:19,346
IN 1492, THIS EXPLORER --
[ CHIME ]
NICOLE, YOU HAVE AN ANSWER
172
00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:25,185
ALREADY?
>> I DON'T WANNA PLAY NO MORE.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
173
00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:32,892
>> YOU SAID I CAN'T WIN, SO I
DON'T WANNA PLAY NO MORE.
>> I NEVER SAID YOU CAN'T WIN.
174
00:16:32,892 --> 00:16:37,630
>> UH-UH, DON'T GASLIGHT ME.
>> WHO'S GASLIGHTING?
>> Y'ALL SEE THIS, RIGHT?
175
00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:39,366
IF HE WANT ME TO LOSE SO BAD,
WHY DON'T YOU JUST LET ME QUIT,
CLINT?
176
00:16:39,366 --> 00:16:40,900
>> ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
QUIT.
177
00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:42,802
I DON'T CARE.
>> OKAY.
GIVE ME MY MONEY FIRST.
178
00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:45,372
>> WHAT MONEY?
YOU HAVE A SCORE OF ZERO.
>> WELL THEY SAY I GET $500 JUST
179
00:16:45,372 --> 00:16:47,073
FOR PLAYING.
>> YEAH, THAT'S IF YOU FINISH
THE GAME.
180
00:16:47,073 --> 00:16:51,678
>> OKAY, SO YOU'RE FORCING ME TO
PLAY, EVEN THOUGH YOU SAID I
CAN'T WIN.
181
00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:56,649
THIS MAN IS A CLASSIC
GASLIGHTING NARCISSIST, Y'ALL.
>> CAN I JUST FINISH ASKING THE
182
00:16:56,649 --> 00:17:03,923
QUESTIONS, NICOLE?
>> GO AHEAD, BUT THAT HOTEL YOU
PUT US IN IS NASTY.
183
00:17:03,923 --> 00:17:10,263
>> WELL, I'M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT
WAY.
IN 1492, THIS EXPLORER SET SAIL
184
00:17:10,263 --> 00:17:11,698
TO DISCOVER THE NEW WORLD.
[ CHIME ]
KENNY?
185
00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:13,867
>> CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.
[ BELL DINGS ]
>> YES.
186
00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:18,772
THAT IS CORRECT.
THAT IS CORRECT.
$100 FOR YOU, KENNY.
187
00:17:18,772 --> 00:17:27,380
[ CHIME ]
NICOLE?
>> CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.
188
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,149
>> YEAH, HE ALREADY SAID THAT.
>> OKAY.
SO WHEN I REPEAT HIS ANSWER, I
189
00:17:29,149 --> 00:17:34,054
DON'T GET NO MONEY, BUT WHEN HE
REPEAT MINE, HE GET $100?
>> YOU GUESSED THE WRONG ANSWER,
190
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:38,858
NICOLE.
[ CHIME ]
>> NO, YOU HATE WOMEN.
191
00:17:38,858 --> 00:17:41,828
>> YO, CAN I -- CAN I JUST GIVE
HER 50 OF MY DOLLARS?
[ CHIME ]
192
00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:43,430
>> YES.
>> NO.
THAT IS NOT HOW THE GAME WORKS.
193
00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:51,438
AND STOP USING THE BUZZER EVERY
TIME YOU WANT TO SAY SOMETHING.
WHO DIED AND MADE YOU THE MAYOR
194
00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:55,308
OF GAME TOWN?
>> GIRL, HE THINK HE THE MAYOR
OF GAME TOWN JUST BECAUSE HE GOT
195
00:17:55,308 --> 00:18:00,480
A LITTLE SUIT AND A GUN.
>> I DON'T HAVE A GUN.
AND I'M NOT THE MAYOR OF
196
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:01,614
>> I DON'T HAVE A GUN.
AND I'M NOT THE MAYOR OF
ANYTHING.
197
00:18:06,019 --> 00:18:08,922
WHAT, NICOLE?
>> WELL, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE
THE MAYOR NO MORE, CAN I DO IT?
198
00:18:08,922 --> 00:18:10,023
>> NO!
[ CHIME ]
NO!
199
00:18:10,023 --> 00:18:12,158
[ CHIME ]
[ CHIME ]
>> OH, OKAY.
200
00:18:12,158 --> 00:18:13,426
>> OH, OKAY.
SO, A WOMAN CAN'T BE A MAYOR OF
GAME TOWN?
201
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:19,766
[ CHIME ]
>> HOW YOU GONE BE THE MAYOR OF
GAME TOWN, YOU DON'T EVEN
202
00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:22,035
BELIEVE, BRO?
[ CHIME ]
[ CHIME ]
203
00:18:22,035 --> 00:18:23,870
>> 'CAUSE SEE, NOW I'M THE NEW
MAYOR.
AND THE FIRST THING I'M DOING IS
204
00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:25,572
PUTTING US IN A BETTER HOTEL
WITH AN ESPRESSO MACHINE.
[ CHIME ]
205
00:18:25,572 --> 00:18:31,678
>> YO, I LOVE THE NEW MAYOR, YO.
>> LOOK.
Y'ALL GONE BURN UP THE BATTERIES
206
00:18:31,678 --> 00:18:36,750
ON THEM BUZZERS.
NOW, HAVE ANY OF Y'ALL EVER BEEN
ON A GAME SHOW?
207
00:18:36,750 --> 00:18:40,453
[ CHIME ]
>> I WAS ON "PEOPLE'S COURT."
I BROKE INTO MY EX'S HOUSE AND
208
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:46,559
TOOK A WAFFLE IRON.
>> THAT'S NOT A GAME SHOW.
[ CHIME ]
209
00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:49,829
>> THEN HOW COME I WON SO MUCH
MONEY?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
210
00:18:49,829 --> 00:18:53,900
>> WRONG.
THE ANSWER IS I BURNT MY HAND.
NOW YOU OWE US $100.
211
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,802
THE ANSWER IS I BURNT MY HAND.
NOW YOU OWE US $100.
>> WHAT?
212
00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:12,118
WE SPLIT THE $100 3 WAYS,
50, 50, 50!
[ TALKING OVER EACH OTHER ]
213
00:19:12,118 --> 00:19:15,255
>> YES, GIRL!
>> FINE, I QUIT.
YOU'RE THE NEW MAYOR.
214
00:19:15,255 --> 00:19:21,161
I'M GOING BACK TO MY SUITE AT
THE LA QUINTA.
>> HEY Y'ALL, I'M THE NEW MAYOR
215
00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:23,430
THE LA QUINTA.
>> HEY Y'ALL, I'M THE NEW MAYOR
OF GAME TOWN.
216
00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:54,394
* I'M CRYING
I'M SO BAD
'CAUSE I'M AT THE --*
217
00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:57,697
* 1-877 --*
>> P.O.V. YOU WOKE UP AT TONY'S.
>> HEY, MORNING BEAUTIFUL.
218
00:19:57,697 --> 00:20:03,269
SLEEP OKAY?
GOT BREAKFAST FOR YOU.
COFFEE, FRESH FRUIT.
219
00:20:03,269 --> 00:20:09,909
NAME'S TONY, BY THE WAY.
>> OKAY.
THIS IS DAY 342 OF ME WALKING ON
220
00:20:09,909 --> 00:20:16,750
ALL FOURS.
MAKING MAJOR GAINS.
TESTOSTERONE IS OFF THE CHARTS.
221
00:20:16,750 --> 00:20:22,622
* WE'RE ALL SMILES
ON THE SURFACE *
* BUT WE'RE SAD INSIDE *
222
00:20:22,622 --> 00:20:29,062
* JUST WHEN SHE -- *
**
>> YO, JUST HOOKED UP MY BOY
223
00:20:29,062 --> 00:20:44,177
WITH A FRESH CUT.
HOW YOU FEEL, MAN?
>> I LOVE -- I LOVE IT.
224
00:20:44,177 --> 00:20:45,879
>> HEY, GRANDMA.
YOU EVER MISS GRANDPA?
>> I MISS HIM EVERY DAY.
225
00:20:45,879 --> 00:20:49,215
[ AIRHORN ]
>> OH, GOD!
[ CHIME ]
226
00:20:49,215 --> 00:20:58,725
[ CLICKING ]
>> ACTUALLY, JUST CUSS A LITTLE.
>> FOR REAL?
227
00:20:58,725 --> 00:21:01,361
>> WHAT'RE YOUR FAVORITE CURSE
WORDS?
>> PROBABLY [ BLEEP ] MY
228
00:21:01,361 --> 00:21:09,135
[ BLEEP ][ BLEEP ][ BLEEP ][
BLEEP ]
[ CACKLING ]
229
00:21:09,135 --> 00:21:14,441
>> OKAY, WHAT IS THAT?
A HAIRLESS DOG?
OH, IT'S A MAN.
230
00:21:14,441 --> 00:21:19,212
>> ARE YOU MARRIED?
YES.
ARE YOU A VIRGIN?
231
00:21:19,212 --> 00:21:25,618
YES.
WILL YOU EVER HAVE SEGGS?
WE TRY EVERY DAY.
232
00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:33,093
* I'M WAITING
AT THE COUNTER *
* MAN POUR THE COFFEE *
233
00:21:33,093 --> 00:21:35,295
* OH LET'S GO BRANDON *
>> HEY Y'ALL, GABBY64, I LOVE TO
DANCE AND HAVE FUN.
234
00:21:35,295 --> 00:21:37,831
I WANT TO ASK Y'ALL IF YOU LIKE
ME BETTER WITH, OR WITHOUT --
**
235
00:21:37,831 --> 00:21:43,703
HERE'S WITH.
**
HERE'S WITHOUT.
236
00:21:43,703 --> 00:21:46,106
**
AND ONCE MORE WITH.
**
237
00:21:46,106 --> 00:21:48,641
>> Y'ALL KEEP MESSING THESE TWO
UP.
LOOK HERE.
238
00:21:48,641 --> 00:21:56,483
THESE ARE NOT THE SAME.
YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF.
I WILL END YOUR LIFE.
239
00:21:56,483 --> 00:21:59,552
[ BEEP ]
>> OKAY.
OKAY.
240
00:21:59,552 --> 00:22:04,324
SO, HERE IS AN EXPLAINER ON THE
WAR IN UKRAINE.
SO --
241
00:22:04,324 --> 00:22:05,959
**
>> I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BE
YOUR BOYFRIEND MAYBE?
242
00:22:05,959 --> 00:22:07,961
IT'S TONY, BY THE WAY.
>> THAT TIME T.I. TRIED STANDUP
COMEDY.
243
00:22:07,961 --> 00:22:12,432
>> -- AND YOU'LL NEVER GET IT
EXPEDITIOUSLY.
AND HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS -- WHAT,
244
00:22:12,432 --> 00:22:14,934
YOU A STRIPPER?
WHAT AM I, A STRIPPER OR
SOMETHING?
245
00:22:14,934 --> 00:22:19,472
>> WHAT?
>> GOD IS GOOD, Y'ALL.
>> WHAT'S UP, GANG.
246
00:22:19,472 --> 00:22:24,411
CRITICAL RACE THEORY, WHAT IS IT
AND WHY AM I MAD ABOUT IT?
LET'S TALK.
247
00:22:24,411 --> 00:22:28,882
[ AIRHORN ]
>> NO!
NO!
248
00:22:28,882 --> 00:22:32,085
[ AIRHORN ]
JESUS!
[ BLEEP ]
249
00:22:32,085 --> 00:22:35,889
OH, GOD!
[ AIRHORN ]
I'M GONNA KILL YOU!
250
00:22:35,889 --> 00:22:41,161
**
[ CACKLING ]
>> OKAY, EGGS.
251
00:22:41,161 --> 00:22:47,734
>> NAME'S TONY, BY THE WAY.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
TONY CAN GET IT.
252
00:22:47,734 --> 00:22:55,642
>> WHEN YOUR FRIENDS SAY YOU
LOOK EXACTLY LIKE KATHY FROM
"EUPHORIA."
253
00:22:55,642 --> 00:22:59,913
**
>> WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE CURSE
WORDS?
254
00:22:59,913 --> 00:23:05,752
>> PROBABLY [ BLEEP ] [ BLEEP ]
[ BLEEP ]
[ CACKLING ]
255
00:23:05,752 --> 00:23:07,587
[ BLEEP ] [ BLEEP ] [ BLEEP ]
[ CACKLING ]
>> SO YEAH, BASICALLY I DIDN'T
256
00:23:07,587 --> 00:23:09,622
GET INTO LAW SCHOOL, AND NEXT
THING I KNOW, I'M DOING THIS.
[ CHIME ]
257
00:23:09,622 --> 00:23:12,058
>> RAWR.
[ CLICKING ]
[ KNOCKING ]
258
00:23:12,058 --> 00:23:13,927
[ DOOR CREAKS ]
>> BUZZ, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN
HERE?
259
00:23:13,927 --> 00:23:16,696
HERE?
[ INDISCERNIBLE ]
>> DAD, STAND UP!
260
00:23:20,700 --> 00:23:23,069
3 OF THE BIGGEST POP SONGS OF
ALL TIME WERE RECORDED AT
INTERSCOPE STUDIOS.
261
00:23:23,069 --> 00:23:26,740
AND THE NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN
FOOTAGE FROM THE SESSION IS
FINALLY BEING RELEASED.
262
00:23:30,210 --> 00:23:32,512
>> THE LABEL IS SO EXCITED ABOUT
THE RECORD.
WE CAN'T WAIT TO WORK ON THIS
263
00:23:32,512 --> 00:23:35,782
NEW SINGLE WITH Y'ALL.
>> YEAH, WE KNOW IT'S A WORK IN
PROGRESS, BUT LET'S HEAR WHAT
264
00:23:35,782 --> 00:23:40,620
YOU GOT SO FAR.
>> OKAY.
HIT THE TRACK.
265
00:23:40,620 --> 00:23:46,159
* GOTTA GET THAT *
* GOTTA GET THAT *
* GOTTA GET THAT
266
00:23:46,159 --> 00:23:49,562
THAT THAT THAT THAT *
* BOOM BOOM BOOM *
* GOTTA GET THAT *
267
00:23:49,562 --> 00:23:54,401
* BOOM BOOM BOOM *
* GOTTA GET THAT *
* BOOM BOOM BOOM *
268
00:23:54,401 --> 00:23:58,304
>> UM, YEAH, THAT'S ALL WE GOT
SO FAR.
>> WOW.
269
00:23:58,304 --> 00:24:03,343
WILLIAM, THAT'S A REALLY GOOD
START.
>> IT'S WILL.I.AM.
270
00:24:03,343 --> 00:24:07,814
AND I KNOW.
>> I LOVE -- I LOVE HOW IT'S
SOUNDING.
271
00:24:07,814 --> 00:24:10,350
BUT I THINK WE MIGHT HAVE TO
CHANGE THE LYRICS A LITTLE?
>> WHAT YOU MEAN?
272
00:24:10,350 --> 00:24:15,121
THE LYRICS ARE --
* BOOM BOOM BOOM *
I MEAN, WHY WOULD WE CHANGE
273
00:24:15,121 --> 00:24:18,391
THAT?
>> UGH.
PRODUCERS ARE LIKE LEECHES, AND
274
00:24:18,391 --> 00:24:26,066
ART IS BLOOD TO THEM.
>> WELL, THOSE WERE ACTUALLY THE
TEMP LYRICS WE SENT TO DESCRIBE
275
00:24:26,066 --> 00:24:31,404
THE BEAT OF THE TRACK.
>> YEAH, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO
REPLACE THEM WITH YOUR OWN
276
00:24:31,404 --> 00:24:36,376
LYRICS.
YOU KNOW, LIKE, WITH WORDS?
>> PRODUCERS ARE LIKE LEECHES.
277
00:24:36,376 --> 00:24:42,716
>> NO ONE UNDERSTANDS OUR
VISION.
* BOOM BOOM BOOM *
278
00:24:42,716 --> 00:24:47,087
IT'S PERFECT, I'M FREAKING OUT!
>> HOW ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE --
* I GOT THAT
279
00:24:47,087 --> 00:24:51,758
BOOM BOOM POW *
>> OKAY.
THAT'S KIND OF CLOSER.
280
00:24:51,758 --> 00:24:53,626
UH, WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?
>> APL.DE.AP.
>> OF -- OF COURSE.
281
00:24:53,626 --> 00:25:01,067
AND HOW DO YOU SPELL THAT?
>> A-P-L --
APL.DE.AP.
282
00:25:01,067 --> 00:25:05,038
>> OKAY.
UH, SO, WE DEFINITELY HAVE
"BOOM, BOOM, BOOM."
283
00:25:05,038 --> 00:25:08,908
UM, BUT LET'S EXPAND, RIGHT?
LIKE, WHAT'S SOMETHING WE HAVE
TO GET?
284
00:25:08,908 --> 00:25:14,047
>> LIKE, FOR EXAMPLE, MONEY OR
HOT GIRLS?
* GOTTA GET THAT *
285
00:25:14,047 --> 00:25:15,882
>> OKAY.
"YOU GOTTA GET THAT" WHAT,
THOUGH?
286
00:25:15,882 --> 00:25:22,122
* GOTTA GET
THAT THAT THAT *
>> YOU'RE SUFFOCATING ME!
287
00:25:22,122 --> 00:25:25,058
>> TABOO, RELAX.
LET'S THINK.
WHERE WOULD THIS SONG BE
288
00:25:25,058 --> 00:25:28,328
PLAYING?
MAYBE A NIGHT CLUB, OR A FULL
SIZE BAR.
289
00:25:28,328 --> 00:25:33,166
>> OOH, OKAY.
I'M GOING TO RIFF ON THAT IDEAS.
HOW ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE --
290
00:25:33,166 --> 00:25:40,573
* PEOPLE IN THE PLACE *
>> OKAY, FERGIE, UH, THAT'S A
GREAT START.
291
00:25:40,573 --> 00:25:44,210
BUT WHERE WOULD THEY ACTUALLY
BE?
* THE PLACE *
292
00:25:44,210 --> 00:25:47,313
>> OKAY.
AND -- AND WHO WOULD BE THERE?
* THE PEOPLE *
293
00:25:47,313 --> 00:25:52,452
>> UH-HUH.
BUT WHERE IS IT THEY WOULD BE
GOING?
294
00:25:52,452 --> 00:25:53,953
* TO THE PLACE *
>> OKAY.
AND WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
295
00:25:53,953 --> 00:25:55,488
* IN THE PLACE *
>> BUT WHO ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?
296
00:25:55,488 --> 00:26:02,262
* THE PEOPLE IN THE PLACE *
>> LET'S MOVE ON.
>> THAT WAS AMAZING, FERGIE, I'M
297
00:26:02,262 --> 00:26:07,901
FREAKING OUT!
>> AND I'M APL.DE.AP.
>> WHY DON'T WE TALK ABOUT YOUR
298
00:26:07,901 --> 00:26:09,436
VERSE?
I WAS THINKING IT WOULD BE COOL
IF IT WAS LIKE --
299
00:26:09,436 --> 00:26:10,904
* I GOT THAT
BOOM BOOM POW *
* THEM CHICKENS
300
00:26:10,904 --> 00:26:13,773
JACKING MY STYLE *
* THEY TRY TO COPY
MY SWAGGER *
301
00:26:13,773 --> 00:26:19,379
* I'M ON THAT NEXT -- NOW *
* I'M SO 2008
YOU SO 2000 AND LATE *
302
00:26:19,379 --> 00:26:23,817
>> YES.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S AMAZING.
303
00:26:23,817 --> 00:26:27,320
BUT I WANT IT TO BE "3008."
>> OKAY.
WHY?
304
00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:31,257
>> 'CAUSE IT'S BIGGER.
>> FINE.
UH, DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER NOTES?
305
00:26:31,257 --> 00:26:36,129
>> MY HUMPS!
>> OKAY!
THANK YOU, FERGIE.
306
00:26:36,129 --> 00:26:38,231
>> YEAH, WELL, LET'S JUST DO THE
NEXT TRACK.
HERE'S WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE SO
307
00:26:38,231 --> 00:26:42,635
FAR.
**
YEAH, SO, WE WANT THE LYRICS TO
308
00:26:42,635 --> 00:26:49,576
BE ABOUT THE CONCEPT OF
"TONIGHT."
>> LET'S START BY BRAINSTORMING
309
00:26:49,576 --> 00:26:51,678
ANSWERS TO THE QUESTION, "HOW IS
TONIGHT GONNA BE?"
>> I'M THINKING -- I'M THINKING
310
00:26:51,678 --> 00:27:04,324
SOMETHING LIKE --
* TONIGHT'S GONNA
BE A GOOD NIGHT *
311
00:27:04,324 --> 00:27:19,773
>> THAT'S AMAZING WILL.I.AM.
>> OKAY.
UH, ANYONE ELSE?
312
00:27:19,773 --> 00:27:21,875
* GOTTA GET
THAT THAT THAT *
>> OH, I'M FREAKING OUT!
313
00:27:21,875 --> 00:27:25,779
>> ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, TABOO, IT'S OKAY.
UH, BUT WE ACTUALLY ALREADY HAVE
314
00:27:25,779 --> 00:27:33,186
THAT.
>> MAZEL TOV!
>> YES!
315
00:27:33,186 --> 00:27:35,889
WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE.
NOW I'M GONNA GO DOWN THE LINE.
EVERYONE JUST SAY ONE EXAMPLE OF
316
00:27:35,889 --> 00:27:38,324
SOMETHING YOU'RE GONNA DO
TONIGHT.
ARE YOU READY?
317
00:27:38,324 --> 00:27:41,294
* LET'S DO IT *
* LET'S DO IT *
* LET'S DO IT *
318
00:27:41,294 --> 00:27:43,963
* LET'S DO IT *
* AND DO IT *
* AND DO IT *
319
00:27:43,963 --> 00:27:48,068
* AND DO IT *
* AND DO IT *
* LET'S DO IT *
320
00:27:48,068 --> 00:27:53,840
* LET'S DO IT *
* LET'S DO IT *
* AND DO IT *
321
00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:56,443
>> OH, MY GOD, THIS IS GONNA BE
A HIT.
>> YEAH.
322
00:27:56,443 --> 00:27:59,279
YEP.
AND -- AND NOW, BEFORE OUR
SESSION IS OVER, LET'S GET TO
323
00:27:59,279 --> 00:28:01,214
THE SONG THAT YOU'LL BE MOST
KNOWN FOR TO THE END OF TIME.
>> YES.
324
00:28:01,214 --> 00:28:04,217
THE WORKING TITLE IS --
* LET'S GET -- *
-- SOMETHING.
325
00:28:04,217 --> 00:28:06,586
UM, ANY IDEAS FOR WHAT IT COULD
BE?
>> HM.
326
00:28:06,586 --> 00:28:08,121
>> "LET'S GET" WHAT?
OKAY.
WELL, IT HAS TO BE SOMETHING
327
00:28:08,121 --> 00:28:13,793
THAT WE CAN SAY FOREVER.
**
**
328
00:28:13,793 --> 00:28:19,265
* LET'S DO IT LET'S DO IT LET'S
DO IT *
* LET'S DO IT LET'S DO IT *
329
00:28:30,477 --> 00:28:32,512
**
>> I HAD AN AMAZING TIME AT
DINNER.
330
00:28:32,512 --> 00:28:36,049
>> YEAH, ME TOO.
FULL OF CHEESE.
I FEEL LIKE I'M A LITTLE LUIGI.
331
00:28:36,049 --> 00:28:40,487
>> YOU ALREADY SAID THAT IN THE
CAR.
YOU KNOW, I USUALLY DON'T BRING
332
00:28:40,487 --> 00:28:44,424
GUYS HOME AFTER A FIRST DATE,
BUT SOMETHING ABOUT THIS JUST
FEELS RIGHT.
333
00:28:44,424 --> 00:28:49,362
>> YEAH.
I FEEL THE SAME WAY.
>> OH, BY THE WAY, I SHOULD
334
00:28:49,362 --> 00:28:54,067
MENTION, I LIVE HERE WITH MY
GRANDPA.
SORRY, I SHOULD HAVE SAID
335
00:28:54,067 --> 00:28:57,671
SOMETHING EARLIER.
IF YOU WANT TO GO --
>> OH, NO, NO.
336
00:28:57,671 --> 00:29:02,475
I MEAN, WHY WOULD I LEAVE?
I THINK THAT'S REALLY SWEET.
>> IS THAT MY GRANDDAUGHTER?
337
00:29:02,475 --> 00:29:11,785
>> OH, HI GRANDPA.
>> I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T REALIZE
WE HAD COMPANY.
338
00:29:11,785 --> 00:29:21,594
WELL, PRETEND LIKE I'M NOT EVEN
HERE.
>> WHAT?
339
00:29:21,594 --> 00:29:36,376
THAT IS YOUR GRANDPA?
>> DON'T MIND ME.
>> I'LL LEAVE YOU KIDS TO IT.
340
00:29:36,376 --> 00:29:42,449
>> DON'T MIND ME.
>> I'LL LEAVE YOU KIDS TO IT.
HE'S HANDSOME.
341
00:29:52,892 --> 00:30:00,066
CAN WE PAUSE.
YOUR GRANDPA KIND OF THREW ME.
>> I'D RATHER NOT MAKE IT A
342
00:30:00,066 --> 00:30:06,806
THING, BUT YEAH.
MY GRANDPA'S WHITE.
>> NO.
343
00:30:06,806 --> 00:30:12,379
I WAS REFERRING MORE TO THE FACT
THAT HE'S THE GUY FROM THE SIX
FLAGS COMMERCIAL.
344
00:30:12,379 --> 00:30:35,402
>> WOW.
>> I GOT MY BOILING HOT TEA.
OH, I SPILLED MY TEA.
345
00:30:35,402 --> 00:30:36,903
>> NOW, SHOULD WE GET BACK TO
BUSINESS?
>> YEAH.
346
00:30:36,903 --> 00:30:39,406
I MEAN, SHOULD WE?
HERE?
I MEAN, WE COULD GO TO MY PLACE
347
00:30:39,406 --> 00:30:43,977
IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT US
MAKING NOISE.
>> TRUST ME, HONEY, YOU'RE NOT
348
00:30:43,977 --> 00:30:49,749
GOING TO BE ABLE TO MAKE ME MAKE
ANY NOISE.
>> I JUST FEEL --
349
00:30:49,749 --> 00:31:02,362
WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
>> OH, GREAT, GRANDMA'S STILL
UP.
350
00:31:02,362 --> 00:31:08,501
>> WAIT, YOUR GRANDMA?
>> HEY, WAIT, WAIT.
SO, THEY'RE BOTH THE SIX FLAGS
351
00:31:08,501 --> 00:31:15,709
GUY?
>> NO, NO.
MY GRANDPA'S THE SIX FLAG GUY.
352
00:31:15,709 --> 00:31:19,379
SHE'S JUST A SIX FLAGS GUY.
>> HELLO.
WHO'S THE LUCKY FELLOW?
353
00:31:19,379 --> 00:31:24,984
>> OH, JUST A FRIEND, GRANDMA.
>> NOW, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
DOING SOME LAUNDRY?
354
00:31:24,984 --> 00:31:36,763
>> OH, YES, JUST FINISHING UP A
LOAD OF BOW TIES.
>> I GOT MORE BOILING HOT TEA.
355
00:31:36,763 --> 00:31:40,100
LOAD OF BOW TIES.
>> I GOT MORE BOILING HOT TEA.
OFF TO BED.
356
00:31:46,873 --> 00:31:52,112
140 YEARS OLD?
>> WHAT?
>> NOW, ARE WE GOING TO PLOW OR
357
00:31:52,112 --> 00:31:55,115
NOT?
>> YOU STILL WANT TO?
YOU'RE STILL FEELING IT RIGHT
358
00:31:55,115 --> 00:32:01,087
NOW?
>> OH, TRUST ME, BABY, WITH YOU,
I'M NOT GOING TO FEEL A THING.
359
00:32:01,087 --> 00:32:10,230
>> WHAT?
>> THURSDAYS MY GRANDPARENTS
HAVE POKER NIGHT WITH SOME OF
360
00:32:10,230 --> 00:32:15,168
THEIR FRIENDS.
BUT DON'T WORRY, IT'S NOT WHAT
YOU THINK.
361
00:32:15,168 --> 00:32:18,705
>> YEAH, I FEEL LIKE IT IS GOING
TO BE WHAT I THINK.
>> COME ON IN, GUYS.
362
00:32:18,705 --> 00:32:36,456
>> NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> THERE'S LIKE A COMMUNITY OF
THEM?
363
00:32:36,456 --> 00:32:44,898
>> READY TO LOSE SOME MONEY?
>> I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD LEAVE.
>> WOW.
364
00:32:44,898 --> 00:32:51,504
YOU WANT TO LEAVE?
WHY?
BECAUSE MY GRANDPARENTS AND
365
00:32:51,504 --> 00:32:58,178
THEIR WHOLE FRIEND GROUP ARE SIX
FLAGS GUYS?
OR BECAUSE WE ALL DROVE HERE IN
366
00:32:58,178 --> 00:33:06,920
FIVE SEPARATE SIX FLAGS VESPAS?
>> OR BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU'LL
NEVER BE SATISFIED BY THAT DINKY
367
00:33:06,920 --> 00:33:15,929
LITTLE TWIG IN HIS PANTS?
>> COME ON.
>> IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME,
368
00:33:15,929 --> 00:33:26,873
YOU HAVE TO EXPECT MY CULTURE.
AND MY CULTURE, WELL, WE LIKE TO
PARTY.
369
00:33:26,873 --> 00:33:36,449
WE LIKE -- WE LIKE TO PARTY.
NOW, LET'S DANCE.
**
370
00:33:46,659 --> 00:33:50,597
>> LIZZO, YOU'RE GOING TO KILL
AT HOSTING THIS WEEK.
>> I KNOW, LIKE, HOSTING?
371
00:33:50,597 --> 00:33:53,833
I THINK I CAN HANDLE THAT.
[ TALKING OVER EACH OTHER ]
>> I'D SAY SO.
372
00:33:54,701 --> 00:33:56,636
>> IT'S JUST LIKE, THE WHOLE
MUSICAL GUEST THING THAT I'M
STRESSED OUT ABOUT.
373
00:33:56,636 --> 00:33:58,338
STRESSED OUT ABOUT.
I MEAN, TWO NEW SONGS?
[ LAUGHTER ]
374
00:34:02,075 --> 00:34:03,376
I DON'T HAVE THOSE.
[ TALKING OVER EACH OTHER ]
I'M NOT JOKING.
375
00:34:07,047 --> 00:34:09,382
>> I GOT WRITER'S BLOCK.
>> WHAT?
>> CAN YOU WRITE ME A NEW SONG?
376
00:34:09,382 --> 00:34:11,051
>> NO.
>> I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO WRITE
ME A NEW SONG.
377
00:34:11,051 --> 00:34:13,086
>> WE CAN'T.
>> NEW SONG NOW, BITCH.
>> NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
378
00:34:13,086 --> 00:34:16,189
>> GO.
* GIRL YOU ALWAYS
LEAVE ME ON READ *
379
00:34:16,189 --> 00:34:19,192
* BROTHER
YOU LEAVE ME ALL BLUE *
* YOU THE BABY GIRL
380
00:34:19,192 --> 00:34:22,595
YOU LEAVE ME ALL BLUE *
* YOU THE BABY GIRL
YOU LOOK LIKE MY DAD *
381
00:34:26,733 --> 00:34:28,468
>> WE'RE -- WE'RE NOT SONG
WRITERS.
>> YOU SOUND HURT.
382
00:34:28,468 --> 00:34:32,572
>> MAYBE IT'S MORE REAL.
MAYBE IT'S LIKE --
* I JUST GOT A HAIRCUT *
383
00:34:32,572 --> 00:34:38,845
* I FEEL LIKE YOU CAN SEE
TOO MUCH OF MY FACE *
* TOO MUCH OF HIS FACE *
384
00:34:38,845 --> 00:34:41,681
>> ARE YOU FEELING VULNERABLE?
>> NO, I WRITE SONGS ABOUT
FEELING CONFIDENT.
385
00:34:41,681 --> 00:34:47,187
I NEED Y'ALL TO WRITE A BLACK
WOMAN ANTHEM.
>> ARE WE THE GUYS TO DO THAT?
386
00:34:47,187 --> 00:34:49,089
>> WE CAN MAYBE WRITE A WHITE
MAN ANTHEM?
>> OH, YEAH, LIKE AN ANTHEM FOR
387
00:34:49,089 --> 00:34:52,292
>> OH, YEAH, LIKE AN ANTHEM FOR
WHITE MEN.
>> OH, THAT'S --
388
00:34:56,096 --> 00:34:57,897
>> HEY LIZZO, GONNA NEED YOU
DOWNSTAIRS IN TEN TO REHEARSE
THOSE NEW SONGS.
389
00:34:57,897 --> 00:34:59,666
CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR 'EM.
>> YOU KNOW I GOT THOSE BANGERS.
>> ALL RIGHT!
390
00:34:59,666 --> 00:35:01,434
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WE GOT TEN MINUTES, I NEED A
SONG.
391
00:35:01,434 --> 00:35:02,869
YOU!
SEXY DADDY, COME ON.
>> SEXY?
392
00:35:02,869 --> 00:35:04,104
>> SEXY?
SEXY --
>> SONG, NOW.
393
00:35:09,576 --> 00:35:14,447
AND A BOTTLE OF JACK *
>> OKAY.
LET'S TRY CALL ON --
394
00:35:14,447 --> 00:35:17,183
* I WOKE UP FEELING -- *
* ANXIOUS *
>> OH!
395
00:35:17,183 --> 00:35:23,757
>> PLEASE, -- OUR SKETCH!
>> HEY, WE'RE ALMOST READY FOR
YOU.
396
00:35:23,757 --> 00:35:25,525
AND BY THE WAY, IF THOSE NEW
SONGS AREN'T GOOD, I'M GONNA
KILL YOU.
397
00:35:25,525 --> 00:35:27,127
>> HE CAN DO THAT?
>> HE'S DONE IT BEFORE.
>> SONGS, NOW, GO!
398
00:35:27,127 --> 00:35:30,930
* I WOKE UP THIS MORNING *
>> THAT'S THE "SOPRANOS" THEME
SONG.
399
00:35:30,930 --> 00:35:34,868
>> DAMN IT.
>> UH --
* WHY MEN GREAT
400
00:35:34,868 --> 00:35:36,870
'TIL THEY GOTTA BE GREAT *
>> I ALREADY WROTE THAT ONE.
* MY GIRLFRIEND DRESSED
401
00:35:36,870 --> 00:35:39,773
* MY GIRLFRIEND DRESSED
LIKE SPONGEBOB *
[ TALKING OVER EACH OTHER ]
402
00:35:42,442 --> 00:35:44,744
>> DO YOU HAVE, LIKE, A CRUSH ON
MARTIN?
>> WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU
403
00:35:44,744 --> 00:35:49,783
TWO?
>> THIS ISN'T WORKING.
>> WE'RE TRYING SO HARD TO MAKE
404
00:35:49,783 --> 00:35:51,651
A SONG FOR YOU.
**
>> BUT WE CAN'T.
405
00:35:51,651 --> 00:35:55,121
>> GUESS I GOTTA GO GET KILLED
BY ANDREW DISMUKES.
>> I'M SO SORRY, LIZZO.
406
00:35:55,121 --> 00:35:58,525
>> BUT BEFORE I GO, PITCH ME
ANOTHER AMAZING SKETCH IDEA YOU
GUYS GOT.
407
00:35:58,525 --> 00:36:03,763
**
>> WELL, IT'S GOING TO SOUND
STUPID NOW, BUT --
408
00:36:03,763 --> 00:36:06,232
IT'S CALLED "HORNY ZOOKEEPER."
**
IT'S ABOUT A ZOOKEEPER WHO'S A
409
00:36:06,232 --> 00:36:09,202
LITTLE HORNY.
I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S DUMB.
410
00:36:09,202 --> 00:36:16,843
**
>> NO, I LIKE THIS.
>> WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
411
00:36:16,843 --> 00:36:19,946
>> YEAH, THIS IS A GREAT SONG.
[ INDISCERNIBLE ]
* THE BEDROOM
412
00:36:19,946 --> 00:36:23,883
IS MY PETTING ZOO *
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> OH, MY GOD, IT'S HAPPENING.
413
00:36:23,883 --> 00:36:26,353
* SAID THE BEDROOM
IS MY PETTING ZOO *
* LITTLE MAMA *
414
00:36:26,353 --> 00:36:30,590
* I GOT --
AND YOU'RE MY LLAMA LLAMA *
* GONNA SET YOU ON MY LAP
415
00:36:30,590 --> 00:36:33,326
LIKE A DUCK
THAT'S THE PLAN *
* THEN I MAKE YOU EAT
416
00:36:33,326 --> 00:36:37,097
A QUARTER WITH THE SEEDS
OUT THE PALM OF MY HAND *
* 'CAUSE I'M A
417
00:36:37,097 --> 00:36:40,367
HORNY ZOOKEEPER *
* YOU KNOW THAT I'M A
HORNY HORNY HORNY ZOOKEEPER *
418
00:36:40,367 --> 00:36:47,907
* PERIOD *
>> WOW.
>> OH, MY GOSH.
419
00:36:56,416 --> 00:37:06,359
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ME.
420
00:37:12,365 --> 00:37:17,437
I'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT
BUT I'M STILL FLIRTY *
* IS EVERYBODY BACK UP
421
00:37:17,437 --> 00:37:21,775
IN THE BUILDING
IT'S BEEN A MINUTE
TELL ME HOW YOU HEALING *
422
00:37:21,775 --> 00:37:26,212
* CAUSE I'M ABOUT TO GET
INTO MY FEELING
HOW YOU FEELING
423
00:37:26,212 --> 00:37:28,782
HOW YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW *
* OH, I BEEN SO DOWN
AND UNDER PRESSURE
424
00:37:28,782 --> 00:37:34,688
I'M WAY TOO FINE
TO BE THIS STRESSED YEAH *
* OH, I'M NOT THE GIRL
425
00:37:34,688 --> 00:37:43,063
I WAS OR USED TO BE
I MIGHT BE BETTER
TURN UP THE MUSIC *
426
00:37:43,063 --> 00:37:52,472
* TURN DOWN THE LIGHTS
I GOT THE FEELING
I'M GONE BE ALL RIGHT
427
00:37:52,472 --> 00:38:02,148
OKAY, OKAY, IT'S ALL RIGHT *
* IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME
TURN UP THE MUSIC
428
00:38:02,148 --> 00:38:04,484
LET'S CELEBRATE
I GOT A FEELING *
* I'M GONE BE OKAY
429
00:38:04,484 --> 00:38:11,057
OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT
IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME
IN A MINUTE *
430
00:38:11,057 --> 00:38:17,230
* I'MMA NEED A SENTIMENTAL
MAN OR WOMAN TO PUMP ME UP
FEELING FUSSY WALKING
431
00:38:17,230 --> 00:38:22,168
IN MY CAUSE *
* I GIVE A WAY TOO MUCH
NEED LIKE TWO SHOTS IN MY CUP
432
00:38:22,168 --> 00:38:33,313
OH I BEEN SO DOWN AND UNDER
PRESSURE *
* I'M WAY TOO FINE TO
433
00:38:33,313 --> 00:38:44,190
BE THIS STRESSED, YEAH
OH I'M NOT THE GIRL I WAS
OR USED TO BE *
434
00:38:44,190 --> 00:38:49,329
* BITCH I MIGHT BE
BETTER TURN UP THE MUSIC
TURN DOWN THE LIGHTS
435
00:38:49,329 --> 00:38:52,766
I GOT A FEELEN *
* I'M GONE BE ALL RIGHT
OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT
436
00:38:52,766 --> 00:39:01,675
IT'S ABOUT THAT TIME
TURN UP THE MUSIC *
* LET'S CELEBRATE
437
00:39:01,675 --> 00:39:07,881
I GOT A FEELING
I'M GONE BE OKAY
OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT *
438
00:39:07,881 --> 00:39:13,720
OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT *
* IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME
BITCH *
439
00:39:26,900 --> 00:39:28,835
>> Y'ALL KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS.
**
440
00:39:44,918 --> 00:40:00,133
I'M COMING OUT TONIGHT
I'M COMING OUT TONIGHT *
* I'M COMING OUT TONIGHT
441
00:40:00,133 --> 00:40:16,916
I'M COMING OUT TONIGHT
OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT
IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME *
442
00:40:16,916 --> 00:40:19,352
* I'M COMING OUT TONIGHT
I'M COMING OUT TONIGHT
I'M COMING OUT TONIGHT
443
00:40:19,352 --> 00:40:21,454
I'M COMING OUT TONIGHT *
* I'M COMING OUT TONIGHT
I'M COMING OUT TONIGHT
444
00:40:21,454 --> 00:40:23,356
I'M COMING OUT TONIGHT
I'M COMING OUT TONIGHT *
* I'M COMING OUT TONIGHT
445
00:40:23,356 --> 00:40:24,858
HEY BITCH
OH, YEAH, OH
IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME *
446
00:40:24,858 --> 00:40:31,598
OH, YEAH, OH
IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
447
00:40:40,974 --> 00:40:43,643
>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
448
00:40:43,643 --> 00:40:47,914
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST.
449
00:40:55,689 --> 00:41:01,227
FALLEN TO AN ALL-TIME LOW OF
33%.
FOR PERSPECTIVE, THAT'S LESS
450
00:41:01,227 --> 00:41:09,703
THAN HALF THE APPROVAL RATING OF
"SONIC THE HEDGEHOG 2."
SONIC 2, FEATURES THE CHARACTERS
451
00:41:09,703 --> 00:41:15,742
TAILS AND KNUCKLES, WHICH ARE
ALSO THE NAMES OF TWO GANG
MEMBERS JOE BIDEN CLAIMED HE
452
00:41:15,742 --> 00:41:19,312
FOUGHT IN THE 1960S.
A VIDEO HAS ALSO GONE VIRAL OF
PRESIDENT BIDEN FINISHING A
453
00:41:19,312 --> 00:41:26,920
SPEECH IN NORTH CAROLINA AND
APPARENTLY TURNING TO SHAKE
HANDS WITH AN INVISIBLE PERSON.
454
00:41:26,920 --> 00:41:39,766
HEY, HER NAME IS KAMALA.
>> PRESIDENT BIDEN SEEN HERE
TRYING TO REMEMBER WHERE HE LEFT
455
00:41:39,766 --> 00:41:45,872
HIS MASK, ANNOUNCED NEW FEDERAL
REGULATIONS FOR GHOST GUNS.
I MEAN, I DON'T LIKE THE IDEA OF
456
00:41:45,872 --> 00:41:53,179
PEOPLE HAVING GHOST GUNS EITHER,
BUT "IF THERE'S SOMETHING
STRANGE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD,
457
00:41:53,179 --> 00:42:05,125
WHO YOU GONNA CALL?"
>> ELON MUSK OFFERED TO BUY
TWITTER FOR OVER $40 BILLION SO
458
00:42:05,125 --> 00:42:11,131
HE CAN LOOSEN ITS FREE SPEECH
RULES.
THAT'S HOW BAD WHITE GUYS WANT
459
00:42:11,131 --> 00:42:19,205
TO USE THE N-WORD.
>> HONESTLY, I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU WOULD WANT TO OWN
460
00:42:19,205 --> 00:42:21,307
TWITTER.
I KNOW IT USED TO SEEM COOL AND
FUN, BUT IT'S BECOME A TOXIC
461
00:42:21,307 --> 00:42:26,146
NIGHTMARE THAT'S DEPRESSING TO
LOOK AT.
IT'S BASICALLY THE JOHNNY DEPP
462
00:42:26,146 --> 00:42:29,082
OF APPS.
I'M JUST SAYING, ELON BUILT
ELECTRIC CARS AND IS GOING TO
463
00:42:29,082 --> 00:42:31,651
MARS.
WHY IS HE EVEN INVOLVING HIMSELF
WITH TWITTER.
464
00:42:31,651 --> 00:42:40,760
IT'S LIKE IF THE PRINCE OF
ENGLAND GAVE IT ALL UP TO MARRY
AN ACTOR FROM "SUITS."
465
00:42:40,760 --> 00:42:45,832
PLUS TWITTER ISN'T EVEN THAT
PROFITABLE ANYMORE.
IT JUST FEELS LIKE A BAD
466
00:42:45,832 --> 00:42:53,573
BUSINESS DECISION.
AND I SAY THAT AS SOMEONE WHO
BOUGHT A STATEN ISLAND FERRY
467
00:42:53,573 --> 00:43:04,718
WITH PETE.
>>> INFLATION COVERS THE HIGHER
PRICES MILLIONS OF FAMILIES HAVE
468
00:43:04,718 --> 00:43:11,424
BEEN FORCED TO PICK OUT A SECOND
ONLY FANS ACCOUNT.
>>>
469
00:43:11,424 --> 00:43:13,660
>> THE MANHUNT FOR THE NEW YORK
CITY SUBWAY SHOOTER ENDED WITH
THE SUSPECT CALLED THE POLICE
470
00:43:13,660 --> 00:43:19,065
TIP LINE TO SAY HE WAS IN EAST
VILLAGE MCDONALD'S, WHERE,
JUDGING BY THIS PHOTO, HE WAS
471
00:43:19,065 --> 00:43:31,077
AUDITIONING FOR THE ROLL OF
GRIMACE.
>> NIKAL MICHAEL, COME ON.
472
00:43:31,077 --> 00:43:35,949
JET BLUE HAS OFFERED TO BUY
SPIRIT.
SPIRIT SAID 500 FOR THE NIGHT.
473
00:43:35,949 --> 00:43:43,823
NO KISSING.
>>> NEW TECHNOLOGY CAN PREDICT
WHEN SOMEONE HAVING A FATAL
474
00:43:43,823 --> 00:43:51,765
HEART ATTACK.
IT'S CALLED PELOTON.
>>> MENTAL HEALTH EXPERTS ARE
475
00:43:51,765 --> 00:43:59,105
RECOMMENDING CHILDREN BE
SCREENED FOR ANXIETY BECAUSE IT
WITH BE STRESSFUL AT THE iPHONE
476
00:43:59,105 --> 00:44:07,614
FACTORY.
>>> BARBIE DOLLS WERE LAUNCH
UNDER TO SPACE FOR THE FIRST
477
00:44:07,614 --> 00:44:14,054
TIME EVER.
ABOARD THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE
STATION.
478
00:44:14,054 --> 00:44:19,392
FINALLY THEY'RE GONE, SAID TWO
KEN DOLLS.
>>> A BRAZILIAN MAN -- THERE WE
479
00:44:19,392 --> 00:44:24,764
GO.
SORRY.
A BRAZILIAN MANNED TO THE
480
00:44:24,764 --> 00:44:31,071
UNDERGO EMERGENCY SURGERY AFTER
HE GOT FOUR-POUND DUMB BELL
STUCK IN HIS IN AS.
481
00:44:31,071 --> 00:44:38,278
HE SHOVED IT BACK UP THERE AND
SAID TWO.
ANYWAY.
482
00:44:38,278 --> 00:44:44,918
THAT'S WHY YOU ALWAYS WIPE DOWN
THE EQUIPMENT.
>>> A NEW JERSEY MAN WAS
483
00:44:44,918 --> 00:44:51,324
ARRESTED AFTER HE RAN OVER A
WOMAN MULTIPLE TIMES IN A ROAD
RAGE INCIDENT, SAID THE WOMAN,
484
00:44:51,324 --> 00:45:07,474
SORRY, SORRY.
>>> GOOGLE EARTH HAS RELEASED A
NEW FEATURE THAT ALLOWS PEOPLE
485
00:45:07,474 --> 00:45:13,680
TO SEE A TIME LAPSE OF HOW THEIR
NEIGHBORHOOD HAS CHANGED IN THE
LAST 40 YEARS.
486
00:45:13,680 --> 00:45:18,952
DON'T REMIND ME, SAID MY
GRANDPA.
>>> A POLICE OFFICER IN SAN
487
00:45:18,952 --> 00:45:24,057
FRANCISCO PULLING OVER A
DRIVERLESS CAR AND PULLING AWAY
AFTER THE OFFICER SAW NO ONE WAS
488
00:45:24,057 --> 00:45:32,532
BEHIND THE WHEEL.
STILL AMAZING, HE STILL MANAGED
TO SHOOT AN UNARMED BLACK GUY.
489
00:45:32,532 --> 00:45:44,144
>>> KRISPY KREME IS RUNNING A
PROMOTION OFFERING A DOZEN
DOUGHNUTS FOR $4.11, THE AVERAGE
490
00:45:44,144 --> 00:45:49,249
PRICE OF A GALLON OF GAS.
NOW YOUR CAR IS GOING TO HAVE TO
WORK HARDER TO DRAG YOUR FAT AS
491
00:45:49,249 --> 00:45:51,518
NOW YOUR CAR IS GOING TO HAVE TO
WORK HARDER TO DRAG YOUR FAT AS
AROUND.
492
00:45:57,457 --> 00:46:03,096
DO SOME COMEDY AND I'VE ALWAYS
SAID NO.
WE'RE A SERIOUS NEWS PROGRAM AND
493
00:46:03,096 --> 00:46:10,170
LAST WEEK I GOT DRUNK ENOUGH TO
SAY YES.
HERE TO MAKE HIS NETWORK DEBUT,
494
00:46:10,170 --> 00:46:18,945
MY DRIVER, CAESAR PEREZ.
>> HEY.
85 WINBOARD AVENUE EAST HAMPTON,
495
00:46:18,945 --> 00:46:22,248
RIGHT?
>> YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SAY MY
HOME ADDRESS.
496
00:46:22,248 --> 00:46:29,456
YOU WANTED TO TRY STAND UP?
>> I GOT TO.
I HOPE THIS CROWD CAN HANDLE IT.
497
00:46:29,456 --> 00:46:37,764
>> WE'LL SEE.
TAKE IT AWAY.
>> HEY, WEEKEND UPDATE, HOW ARE
498
00:46:37,764 --> 00:46:43,937
ARE YOU?
>> ANYONE HERE GOT A FAMILY?
ME TOO MAN, I GOT A CRAZY FAM
499
00:46:43,937 --> 00:46:51,544
ILIA.
LIKE MY CRAZY NEPHEW, CAR LETO.
HE HAS NINE LIZARDS AND NOW
500
00:46:51,544 --> 00:46:54,948
WANTS ANOTHER ONE.
HOW ABOUT INSTEAD YOU GET ONE
GIRLFRIEND.
501
00:46:54,948 --> 00:47:02,022
>> ALL RIGHT.
YEAH, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD CAESAR.
>> I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
502
00:47:02,022 --> 00:47:07,727
IB THINK THAT WAS KIND OF MEAN.
CAN WE EDIT THAT OUT?
>> OH, SORRY, WE'RE FAMOUSLY
503
00:47:07,727 --> 00:47:14,034
LIVE.
>> WHAT KIND OF MAN SAYS
SOMETHING LIKE THAT ABOUT HIS
504
00:47:14,034 --> 00:47:24,778
NEPHEW?
I GOT TO APOLOGIZE.
CAR LETO, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.
505
00:47:24,778 --> 00:47:29,282
YOU GET A GIRLFRIEND WHENEVER
YOU'RE READY.
WHATEVER MAKES YOU HAPPY.
506
00:47:29,282 --> 00:47:33,820
YOU'RE GOING TO BE A GREAT DAD
ONE DAY.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
507
00:47:33,820 --> 00:47:39,459
>> THAT'S REALLY SWEET BUT I
DON'T THINK WE NEED WORRY.
JUST TRUST YOUR MATERIAL.
508
00:47:39,459 --> 00:47:45,065
>> YOU'RE RIGHT.
ANYONE HERE GOT A PISTON?
I GOT A CRAZY SISTER.
509
00:47:45,065 --> 00:47:52,772
LOOK AT HER.
SHE GOT PURPLE HAIR.
YOU TRYING TO LAND A DAY WITH AN
510
00:47:52,772 --> 00:48:01,781
OOMPA.
LOOMPA.
THAT'S THE WORST MISTAKE SHE
511
00:48:01,781 --> 00:48:05,085
MADE SINCE GIVING BIRTH TO
CARLITO
>> CAESAR.
512
00:48:05,085 --> 00:48:12,759
>> I DID IT AGAIN.
IT'S ALMOST EASTER.
JESUS IS GOING TO WAKE UP IN HIS
513
00:48:12,759 --> 00:48:17,597
GRAVE AND BE SO DISAPPOINTED IN
ME.
YOUR FAMILY DOESN'T CARE THAT
514
00:48:17,597 --> 00:48:23,203
YOU SMELL OR NAME YOUR LIZARDS
AFTER SUBSTANCE.
PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
515
00:48:23,203 --> 00:48:31,277
>> ALL RIGHT.
WELL, MAYBE JOKES AREN'T YOUR
THINGS OR APOLOGIES.
516
00:48:31,277 --> 00:48:35,548
>> I SHOULD STICK TO
IMPRESSIONS, LIKE THE ONE OF MY
AUNT LISA.
517
00:48:35,548 --> 00:48:41,054
SHE'S CRAZY OLD.
SHE'S LIKE MY SKIN IS SO
WRIRNGALLED.
518
00:48:41,054 --> 00:48:49,863
WHY DOES CARLITO KEEP TAKING MY
LOTION?
CAESAR.
519
00:48:49,863 --> 00:48:56,069
EASY, SEIZER.
>> I KNOW.
IT'S TEARING ME APART.
520
00:48:56,069 --> 00:49:05,078
CARLITO, LISTEN.
DON'T BE EMBARRASSED.
YOU WERE ONLY STAELTING IT TO
521
00:49:05,078 --> 00:49:10,016
MOISTURIZE YOUR LIZARD.
YOU CAN BE A GROSS NERD YOUR
WHOLE LIFE IS AND STILL BE
522
00:49:10,016 --> 00:49:19,125
SUCCESSFUL.
JUST LOOK AT COLIN JOST.
>> MY DRIVER, CAESAR EVERYBODY.
523
00:49:19,125 --> 00:49:25,365
>> MY DRIVER, CAESAR EVERYBODY.
"THE WEEKEND UPDATE".
GOODNIGHT.
524
00:49:36,509 --> 00:49:40,080
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
HI.
I'M TARNURIA.
525
00:49:40,080 --> 00:49:46,820
>> AND I'M EZRA --
>> AND WE'RE IN CHARGE OF THE
GOD KING'S WEEKLY DEBAUCHED
526
00:49:46,820 --> 00:49:53,059
PARTY HERE IN THE THRONE ROOM.
WHY DON'T WE START BY GIVING
OURSELVES A ROUND OF APPLAUSE?
527
00:49:53,059 --> 00:50:00,000
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> YEAH, THIS PARTY, ORGY,
WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT.
528
00:50:00,000 --> 00:50:01,735
IT'S A BIG PART OF MASTER'S
IMAGE AS THE DEPRAVED, INSANE
GOD KING.
529
00:50:01,735 --> 00:50:03,570
SO, OBVIOUSLY WE WANT EVERYONE
TO MAKE SURE THEY KNOW THEIR
PART, OKAY?
530
00:50:03,570 --> 00:50:11,144
>> NOW, IS OUR SNAKE GUY HERE?
>> YES, THAT'S ME.
>> LOVE THE SNAKE.
531
00:50:11,144 --> 00:50:16,182
AND WHAT WILL YOU BE DOING
DURING THE PARTY?
>> WELL I WAS TOLD TO CRUISE THE
532
00:50:16,182 --> 00:50:18,051
ROOM AND MENACE PEOPLE WITH THE
SNAKE, BY SORT OF STICKING IT IN
THEIR FACES.
533
00:50:18,051 --> 00:50:20,687
KIND OF JUST LIKE, "MM.
HM, LOOK AT THE -- YEAH, LOOK AT
THE SNAKE IN YOUR FACE."
534
00:50:20,687 --> 00:50:24,924
A-HA, THAT KIND OF THING.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
I LOVE THAT.
535
00:50:24,924 --> 00:50:29,496
VERY THREATENING AND SEXUAL,
WHICH IS DIVINE.
NOW, DO I HAVE ANY SENSUOUS
536
00:50:29,496 --> 00:50:36,236
WOMAN AND HER TENDER BOY?
>> OH, I BELIEVE THAT'S ME.
>> AND MOI.
537
00:50:36,236 --> 00:50:41,775
>> UH, ONE QUESTION.
WHEN IT COMES TO MY LITTLE
TENDER BOY, SHOULD I TEASE HIM
538
00:50:41,775 --> 00:50:44,544
WITH SWEET TEMPTINGS LIKE SO?
>> OH!
OH!
539
00:50:44,544 --> 00:50:48,648
OH, OH!
>> OR MAYBE, I CAN PUNISH HIM
FOR BEING INSOLENT BY SMACKING
540
00:50:48,648 --> 00:50:53,319
HIM ON HIS VIRGIN BEHIND.
>> AND CAN WE AUDITION THAT?
>> OH!
541
00:50:53,319 --> 00:51:09,069
OH!
OH, OH, OH!
>> SO, SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
542
00:51:09,069 --> 00:51:12,939
>> HONESTLY, I LOVE BOTH.
>> HI, I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT.
UM, I'M THE GUY WHO SPITS FIRE
543
00:51:12,939 --> 00:51:14,674
BALLS AT PEOPLE ENTERING THE
ROOM.
I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE
544
00:51:14,674 --> 00:51:16,710
GOOD WITH THE ACTION.
SO, I'LL BE BY THE DOOR, AND
WHEN SOMEONE COMES IN, IT'LL
545
00:51:16,710 --> 00:51:19,579
JUST BE LIKE, "WELCOME TO THE
DEN OF EARTHLY DELIGHT!"
AND I CAN DIAL THAT UP OR DOWN,
546
00:51:19,579 --> 00:51:30,457
WHATEVER YOU NEED.
>> IT'S FEELING GOOD TO ME RIGHT
THERE.
547
00:51:30,457 --> 00:51:35,628
AND I LOVE THE NO EYEBROWS.
>> OH, MY GOSH, THANK YOU SO
MUCH.
548
00:51:35,628 --> 00:51:43,570
YEAH, THEY BURNED OFF.
>> OH.
NOW, IS OUR OLD WOMAN CAKED IN
549
00:51:43,570 --> 00:51:49,943
MAKEUP WITH ROTTEN TEETH WHO
LAUGHS HERE?
>> PRESENT.
550
00:51:49,943 --> 00:51:52,746
YEAH, I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I WAS
THINKING FOR THE LAUGH.
UH, JUST LET ME FIND IT.
551
00:51:52,746 --> 00:52:02,756
[ CACKLING ]
LIKE THAT?
>> EXACTLY.
552
00:52:02,756 --> 00:52:06,192
>> YEAH, I WAS TOLD TO JUST HANG
IN THE SHADOWS, BUT EMERGE IN
MOMENTS OF UNEASE.
553
00:52:06,192 --> 00:52:08,161
MOMENTS OF UNEASE.
>> YEAH.
WELL, GREAT, YEAH.
554
00:52:17,704 --> 00:52:19,406
UNSETTLING MUSIC HERE?
>> UH, YEAH.
WE JUST WANTED TO GIVE YOU GUYS
555
00:52:19,406 --> 00:52:21,307
A TASTE FOR TONIGHT.
I WAS THINKING SOMETHING, LIKE,
LOUD AND ABRASIVE LIKE --
556
00:52:21,307 --> 00:52:23,410
**
DOES THAT WORK?
>> YES, THAT REALLY CAPTURES THE
557
00:52:23,410 --> 00:52:25,111
FEELING OF SEXUAL DOOM, SO,
UM --
YOU KNOW, THIS IS A CURSED ORGY
558
00:52:25,111 --> 00:52:27,380
AFTER ALL.
>> YES, RIGHT.
AND SPEAKING TO THE ORGY OF IT
559
00:52:27,380 --> 00:52:28,948
AND SPEAKING TO THE ORGY OF IT
ALL, WHO IS HAVING SEX?
>> THAT WOULD BE US.
560
00:52:37,924 --> 00:52:40,860
NEVER WORK A DAY IN YOUR LIFE.
>> YES, SO TRUE.
NOW, WE WANT THE SEX TO BLEND IN
561
00:52:40,860 --> 00:52:41,561
>> YES, SO TRUE.
NOW, WE WANT THE SEX TO BLEND IN
WITH THE PARTY, YOU UNDERSTAND?
562
00:52:44,731 --> 00:52:46,466
BUT NOT THE EVENT, GOT IT.
>> RIGHT.
IT'S HAPPENING, BUT IT'S NOT THE
563
00:52:46,466 --> 00:52:49,903
FOCUS.
I CAN DO THAT.
>> YEAH, EXACTLY.
564
00:52:49,903 --> 00:52:53,106
EXACTLY.
'CAUSE I FEEL WE WANT THIS TO
LOOK LIKE ONE BIG UNDULATING
565
00:52:53,106 --> 00:52:57,977
MASS OF SKIN AND HAIR AND
FLUIDS.
THAT'S OUR NORTH STAR.
566
00:52:57,977 --> 00:53:02,649
OH, OH, AND DO WE HAVE SOMEONE
WHO WILL BE FANNING THEM WITH A
HUGE FEATHER?
567
00:53:02,649 --> 00:53:05,552
>> I'M ON IT.
>> AND I ASSUME YOU HAVE --
>> AN ENORMOUS PENIS THAT I'LL
568
00:53:05,552 --> 00:53:07,687
JUST HAVE OUT THE WHOLE TIME?
>> SORRY, I'M LATE.
I'M FROM THE TEMPLE OF --, AND I
569
00:53:07,687 --> 00:53:09,956
WAS TOLD YOU WANTED A GOAT FOR
THE ORGY?
YEAH, SO AM I WORSHIPPING IT, OR
570
00:53:09,956 --> 00:53:18,498
MAKING OUT WITH IT, OR WHAT ARE
WE DOING?
>> OH, WELL, MAKING OUT WITH IT
571
00:53:18,498 --> 00:53:23,470
IS INTERESTING.
UM.
LET'S WALK THROUGH THAT AT HALF
572
00:53:23,470 --> 00:53:27,107
SPEED, JUST SO WE HAVE IT DOWN.
UM, I'LL CUE YOU FOR THE GOAT
AND --
573
00:53:27,107 --> 00:53:30,143
LOVING THIS.
GREAT, GREAT FEATHER WORK.
>> YEAH.
574
00:53:30,143 --> 00:53:35,615
>> GREAT WRITHING.
AND ACTION, GOAT.
>> BLESSED BE THE HORNED WONDER.
575
00:53:35,615 --> 00:53:40,620
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> WOW, YEAH.
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
576
00:53:40,620 --> 00:53:47,227
>> THAT IS GONNA BE SUCH A SHOW
STOPPER.
>> OH, YEAH.
577
00:53:47,227 --> 00:53:53,900
>> I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
CAN -- CAN I ASK, WHEN THE
578
00:53:53,900 --> 00:53:56,770
ORGY'S IN FULL SPRING, SHOULD I
PUNISH MY TENDER BOY FOR
WATCHING, SOMETHING LIKE THIS?
579
00:53:56,770 --> 00:53:58,672
>> OH!
>> -- DIRTY BOY, SO DIRTY.
DOES THAT PLAY?
580
00:53:58,672 --> 00:54:00,907
>> I THINK THAT PLAYS
BEAUTIFULLY.
>> OKAY.
581
00:54:00,907 --> 00:54:02,609
>> WELL, I THINK THAT'S
EVERYONE.
OH, WAIT, IS OUR PUCKISH IMP
582
00:54:02,609 --> 00:54:04,144
HERE?
>> THAT'D BE ME.
>> OH.
583
00:54:04,144 --> 00:54:07,714
NOT WHAT I EXPECTED.
>> I KNOW I'M A LITTLE OLDER
THAN MOST PUCKISH IMPS, BUT I
584
00:54:07,714 --> 00:54:09,916
WAS TOLD THE GIG WAS MOSTLY
STEALING PEOPLE'S WINE AND
SCAMPERING AWAY.
585
00:54:09,916 --> 00:54:11,618
MAYBE I COULD SHOW YOU WHAT I
WAS THINKING?
>> OKAY, LET'S GET --
586
00:54:11,618 --> 00:54:13,219
[ GIGGLING ]
>> OKAY, WOW, I STAND CORRECTED.
>> REALLY GOOD.
587
00:54:13,219 --> 00:54:21,861
REALLY PUCKISH.
>> OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD.
588
00:54:21,861 --> 00:54:37,310
HE'S HERE.
OKAY, EVERYONE, PLACES EVERYONE!
MUSIC.
589
00:54:37,310 --> 00:54:39,612
OKAY, EVERYONE, PLACES EVERYONE!
MUSIC.
THIS IS IT.
590
00:55:02,168 --> 00:55:10,143
>>> ONCE AGAIN, MY DAUGHTER,
LIZZO.
591
00:55:10,143 --> 00:55:13,646
* WOKE UP THIS MORNING *
TO SOMEBODY IN A VIDEO
TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING
592
00:55:13,646 --> 00:55:17,050
I POSTED IN A VIDEO *
* FAMOUS, PRETTY, NEW
BUT I'VE BEEN USED
593
00:55:17,050 --> 00:55:21,421
TO PEOPLE JUDGING ME
THAT'S WHY I MOVE *
WITH ME
594
00:55:21,421 --> 00:55:24,424
I'M USED TO FEELING ALONE *
* SO, I THOUGHT THAT
I'D LET YOU KNOW
595
00:55:24,424 --> 00:55:40,073
IN CASE NOBODY
TOLD YOU TODAY *
* YOU'RE SPECIAL
596
00:55:40,073 --> 00:55:48,848
IN CASE NOBODY
MADE YOU BELIEVE
YOU'RE SPECIAL *
597
00:55:48,848 --> 00:55:54,554
* WELL, I'LL ALWAYS
TELL YOU THE SAME
YOU'RE SPECIAL
598
00:55:54,554 --> 00:56:00,427
I'M SO GLAD THAT *
* YOU'RE STILL WITH US
BROKEN, BUT DAMN
599
00:56:00,427 --> 00:56:10,704
YOU'RE STILL PERFECT
CAN YOU IMAGINE A WORLD *
* WHERE EVERYBODY'S THE SAME
600
00:56:10,704 --> 00:56:14,507
AND YOU CAN CANCEL A GIRL
'CAUSE SHE JUST
WANTED TO CHANGE *
601
00:56:14,507 --> 00:56:17,277
* HOW CAN YOU THROW STONES
IF YOU AIN'T BEEN
THROUGH HER PAIN
602
00:56:17,277 --> 00:56:19,346
THAT'S WHY WE FEEL *
* SO ALONE
THAT'S WHY WE FEEL
603
00:56:19,346 --> 00:56:29,055
SO MUCH SHAME
I'M USED TO FEELING ALONE *
* SO, I THOUGHT THAT
604
00:56:29,055 --> 00:56:34,461
I'D LET YOU KNOW
IN CASE NOBODY
TOLD YOU TODAY *
605
00:56:34,461 --> 00:56:40,333
* YOU'RE SPECIAL
IN CASE NOBODY
MADE YOU BELIEVE
606
00:56:40,333 --> 00:56:47,407
YOU'RE SPECIAL *
* WELL, I'LL ALWAYS
TELL YOU THE SAME
607
00:56:47,407 --> 00:56:59,819
YOU'RE SPECIAL
I'M SO GLAD *
* THAT YOU'RE STILL
608
00:56:59,819 --> 00:57:13,033
WITH US
I'M SO GLAD, SO GLAD, SO GLAD
BROKEN, BUT DAMN *
609
00:57:13,033 --> 00:57:19,172
* YOU'RE STILL PERFECT
I'M SO GLAD, SO GLAD
SO GLAD *
610
00:57:19,172 --> 00:57:22,275
>> I KNOW IT'S BEEN HARD, BUT
I'M STILL GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
* IN CASE NOBODY
611
00:57:22,275 --> 00:57:25,412
TOLD YOU TODAY
YOU'RE SPECIAL
IN CASE NOBODY *
612
00:57:25,412 --> 00:57:28,815
* MADE YOU BELIEVE
YOU'RE SPECIAL
WELL, I'LL ALWAYS *
613
00:57:28,815 --> 00:57:32,185
* TELL YOU THE SAME
YOU'RE SPECIAL
I'M SO GLAD THAT
614
00:57:32,185 --> 00:57:41,428
YOU'RE STILL WITH US *
* I'M SO GLAD, SO GLAD
SO GLAD
615
00:57:41,428 --> 00:57:47,067
BROKEN, BUT DAMN
YOU'RE STILL PERFECT *
* I'M SO GLAD, SO GLAD
616
00:57:47,067 --> 00:57:48,501
SO GLAD
BECAUSE YOU ARE
YOU ARE YOU ARE *
617
00:57:48,501 --> 00:57:54,407
YOU ARE YOU ARE *
* SO SPECIAL
HEY *
618
00:58:08,655 --> 00:58:09,222
>>> STOP, STOP.
THIS IS A DISASTER.
619
00:58:12,092 --> 00:58:14,694
AND OUR FLAUTIST GETS FOOD
POISONING?
HOW AM I GOING TO FIND A
620
00:58:14,694 --> 00:58:15,628
HOW AM I GOING TO FIND A
REPLACEMENT ON SUCH SHORT
NOTICE?
621
00:58:22,302 --> 00:58:25,105
SOMEBODY LOOKING FOR A FLUTIST?
>> A FLAUTIST, BUT, YES.
WHO ARE YOU?
622
00:58:25,105 --> 00:58:30,677
>> THE NAME'S TONY BANKS.
AND I JUST HAPPEN TO BE MANAGING
THE GREATEST FLUTIST OF OUR
623
00:58:30,677 --> 00:58:32,545
TIME.
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE TO YOU THE
MASTER OF HER CRAFT.
624
00:58:32,545 --> 00:58:35,248
LIPS AND LUNGS SENT FROM GOD
HERSELF.
THE INCOMPARABLE BEVERLY GAGS.
625
00:58:35,248 --> 00:58:43,757
>> GOOD EVENING, YOUR HONOR.
>> I'M NOT A JUDGE.
I'M A CONDUCTOR.
626
00:58:43,757 --> 00:58:48,228
MS. GAGS, IS IT?
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
BECAUSE AFTER YOU HERE HER PLAY,
627
00:58:48,228 --> 00:58:52,065
YOU GOING TO GAG.
I MADE IT UP MYSELF.
>> OKAY, WELL, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
628
00:58:52,065 --> 00:58:54,067
BUT THIS IS THE DEVRY INSTITUTE
SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA.
IF SHE WANTS FIRST CHAIR, I MUST
629
00:58:54,067 --> 00:58:59,406
HEAR HER PLAY.
>> YOU AIN'T SAID NOTHING BUT A
WORD.
630
00:58:59,406 --> 00:59:00,740
>> BITCH, SHOW THAT MAN WHAT YOU
GOT.
**
631
00:59:00,740 --> 00:59:06,312
>> WOW.
LOOK AT THAT BREATH CONTROL.
>> YEAH, AND EVERYTHING ELSE
632
00:59:06,312 --> 00:59:11,584
GOING ON TOO.
>> SO, SHE GOT THE PART?
>> WELL, SHE'S CLEARLY TALENTED,
633
00:59:11,584 --> 00:59:21,461
BUT I JUST DON'T THINK SHE'S OUR
STYLE.
>> I DON'T KNOW, SIR, WE'RE IN
634
00:59:21,461 --> 00:59:28,401
QUITE A BIND.
>> THE SHOW IS IN THREE HOURS.
DON'T DO THIS.
635
00:59:28,401 --> 00:59:32,672
>> WELL, WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT
WAY, I SUPPOSE WE CAN ALLOW A
QUICK AUDITION.
636
00:59:32,672 --> 00:59:37,744
SO, TAKE YOUR SEAT.
>> I'M SO EXCITED.
YOU WON'T REGRET IT,
637
00:59:37,744 --> 00:59:55,795
MR. CONDUCTOR.
>> FROM THE TOP OF ODE TO JOY.
* *
638
00:59:55,795 --> 00:59:59,799
>> STOP, STOP.
PLEASE.
>> WHY YOU STOPPING, JIM?
639
00:59:59,799 --> 01:00:02,202
SHE WAS JUST GETTING IN THE
GROOVE?
>> OH, I DON'T KNOW.
640
01:00:02,202 --> 01:00:08,341
MAYBE BECAUSE SHE WAS TWERKING
ON OUR BASSOONIST.
THIS IS A TRADITIONAL SYMPHONY.
641
01:00:08,341 --> 01:00:14,981
YOU KNOW, ONE WHERE YOU SIT DOWN
AND PLAY.
>> OH.
642
01:00:14,981 --> 01:00:21,254
SO, YOU WANT ME TO SIT DOWN ON
THE TWERK.
I GOT YOU.
643
01:00:21,254 --> 01:00:25,658
**
>> NO, NO, NO.
NO.
644
01:00:25,658 --> 01:00:34,501
NOBODY WANTS THAT.
>> I MEAN -- I WOULDN'T SAY
NOBODY.
645
01:00:34,501 --> 01:00:40,106
>> LOOK.
MS. BEVERLY --
>> GAGS.
646
01:00:40,106 --> 01:00:56,690
>> YOU THINK WE SAID HER LAST
NAME ENOUGH, OKAY?
>> I CAN'T DO THAT.
647
01:00:56,690 --> 01:00:58,458
>> YEAH, SIR, THAT'S A TALL
ORDER, BUDDY.
>> HOW IS THAT A TALL ORDER?
648
01:00:58,458 --> 01:01:00,660
YOU JUST SIT DOWN AND YOU PLAY A
SOLO.
>> IF YOU SAY SO.
649
01:01:00,660 --> 01:01:07,367
[ DISCORDANT MUSIC ]
>> STOP.
STOP.
650
01:01:07,367 --> 01:01:13,306
WHAT WAS THAT?
YOU WERE PLAYING SO WELL BEFORE.
>> WELL, SIR, THE TRUTH IS --
651
01:01:13,306 --> 01:01:16,176
**
THANKS, GIRL.
THE TRUTH IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN
652
01:01:16,176 --> 01:01:18,778
PLAY THE FLUTE IS IF I'M
TWERKING.
SEE, TWO YEARS AGO, I COULDN'T
653
01:01:18,778 --> 01:01:25,151
PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT.
AND THEN ONE DAY LAST SUMMER,
THE ICE CREAM TRUCK PULLED UP,
654
01:01:25,151 --> 01:01:29,556
AND I HEARD THAT JINGLE.
AND THAT BEAT HAD MY BODY MOVING
IN WAYS THAT MADE ME FEEL
655
01:01:29,556 --> 01:01:37,897
POWERFUL, LIKE I COULD DO
ANYTHING, EVEN PLAY THE FLUTE.
AND THE REST IS HISTORY.
656
01:01:37,897 --> 01:01:43,603
>> WELL, I'M SORRY, BUT THIS IS
OUR FINAL PERFORMANCE OF THE
SEASON, AND IT WILL BE JUST TOO
657
01:01:43,603 --> 01:01:48,942
DISTRACTING IF SOMEONE IS
TWERKING.
>> WELL, THEN, WHAT IF WE ALL
658
01:01:48,942 --> 01:01:55,548
ARE TWERKING?
>> WHAT?
>> WE ARE THE DEVRY INSTITUTE
659
01:01:55,548 --> 01:02:02,122
ORCHESTRA.
WE CAN DO THIS TOGETHER.
AND IF THAT MEANS I HAVE TO POP
660
01:02:02,122 --> 01:02:25,278
THIS BOOTY FOR BEETHOVEN, THEN
SO BE IT.
**
661
01:02:39,859 --> 01:02:46,966
>>> MAY THE NEXT CHAPTER BE AS
EXCITING AS THE LAST.
>> THANKS, BUDDY.
662
01:02:47,834 --> 01:02:55,442
>> STILL CAN'T BELIEVE I FINALLY
QUIT MY JOB.
I REALIZED WHY AM I WASTING MY
663
01:02:55,442 --> 01:03:00,347
LIFE AT A JOB I HATE WHEN I
DON'T HAVE TO WORK.
SO, I TOLD MY BOSS I QUIT.
664
01:03:00,347 --> 01:03:05,318
>> I'M SO GLAD HE DID.
NOW WE CAN FINALLY START LIVING
OUR LIVES.
665
01:03:05,318 --> 01:03:11,491
>> SO, WHAT'S THE PLAN?
WHAT'S NEXT?
>> EUROPE, BRAZIL, YOU NAME IT.
666
01:03:11,491 --> 01:03:16,396
AND AS FAR AS MONEY GOES, WE'RE
NOT WORRIED.
STEVE HAS HIS INVESTMENTS.
667
01:03:16,396 --> 01:03:23,370
>> INVESTING.
I GOT TO GET INTO THAT.
>> YOU MUST, PAUL.
668
01:03:23,370 --> 01:03:26,473
FINANCIAL SAFETY IS SO
IMPORTANT.
YOU HAVE TO MAKE YOUR MONEY WORK
669
01:03:26,473 --> 01:03:33,213
FOR YOU.
YOU CAN INVEST IN A FUND, A
BUSINESS OR, IN MY CASE, I HAVE
670
01:03:33,213 --> 01:03:40,687
MY BEANIE BABIES.
>> OH.
WOW.
671
01:03:40,687 --> 01:03:47,227
>> I'M HOLDING ON TO THESE BAD
BOYS SINCE 1993 AND MY FRIENDS
ARE, IT'S TIME TO CASH IN.
672
01:03:47,227 --> 01:03:51,765
>> NEEDLESS TO SAY, WE WON'T BE
WORRYING ABOUT MONEY FOR QUITE
SOME TIME.
673
01:03:51,765 --> 01:03:58,538
>> THAT IS REALLY COOL.
BUT YOU KNOW THOUGH, I THINK I
HEARD A LOT OF BEANIE BABIES
674
01:03:58,538 --> 01:04:05,679
AREN'T ACTUALLY WORTH THAT MUCH.
>> HOW DO YOU MEAN?
>> I MEAN, YES, THEY'RE
675
01:04:05,679 --> 01:04:12,419
ESSENTIALLY WORTHLESS.
>> HUH.
ALL OF THEM?
676
01:04:12,419 --> 01:04:21,795
>> MOST.
>> HUH.
GOD DAM IT.
677
01:04:21,795 --> 01:04:29,302
>> THAT WAS OUR SAVINGS.
>> IT WAS WORTHLESS.
DON'T YOU SEE MY LIFE'S WORK IS
678
01:04:29,302 --> 01:04:37,110
WORTHLESS.
>> YOU HAVE CAN GO TO YOUR JOB.
>> I CAN'T BECAUSE I BENT OVER,
679
01:04:37,110 --> 01:04:42,549
GRAB MY CHEEKS AND PUFFTED THEM
LIKE HE COULD HAVE DONE IN THE
POCKETS.
680
01:04:42,549 --> 01:04:46,553
I WENT SOMETHING LIKE SCREW YOU
GUYS, I'M OUT OF HERE.
>> THAT'S TERRIBLE.
681
01:04:46,553 --> 01:04:51,891
>> I KNOW.
>> WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO,
STEVE?
682
01:04:51,891 --> 01:04:56,963
WE'RE GOING TO LOSE THE HOUSE.
>> MAYBE I START DRAWING MARIO
FULL TIME.
683
01:04:56,963 --> 01:05:01,434
LAST WEEK I DREW YOU A MARIO.
IO SAID IT WAS THE BEST ONE YOU
HAD EVER SEEN.
684
01:05:01,434 --> 01:05:09,275
>> IT WAS.
IT WAS BETTER THAN THE ACTUAL
MARIO BUT DRAWING MARIO ISN'T A
685
01:05:09,275 --> 01:05:14,280
DRAW, STEVE.
>> SOMEBODY SOMEWHERE IS DRAWING
MARIO.
686
01:05:14,280 --> 01:05:19,486
DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE
NINTENDO HAS NO INTEREST IN THE
MAN WHO DID THIS?
687
01:05:19,486 --> 01:05:24,691
>> I'M SORRY.
BUT THAT ISN'T REALLY A VERY
GOOD MARIO.
688
01:05:24,691 --> 01:05:29,195
>> IS THAT LOUIGI?
>> YOU DON'T HAVE FOOLIE.
IT'S AN OBJECTIVELY PERFECT
689
01:05:29,195 --> 01:05:37,504
MARIO.
>> BETTER THAN THE ACTUAL MARIO.
>> BUT STEVE, THERE'S SOMETHING
690
01:05:37,504 --> 01:05:44,711
I NEED TO TELL YOU.
I SHOULDN'T BE DRINKING THAT.
THE REASON I'M WORRIED ABOUT
691
01:05:44,711 --> 01:05:51,584
MONEY IS BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO
BE A DADDY.
>> MY GOD.
692
01:05:51,584 --> 01:05:58,625
I'M GOING TO BE A DADDY?
BABY, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
>> I LOVE YOU TOO.
693
01:06:28,154 --> 01:06:29,789
>>> TONIGHT WAS THE BEST NIGHT
EVER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
694
01:06:29,789 --> 01:06:32,926
>>> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE
CAST AND CREW.
THANK YOU, ME.
695
01:06:32,926 --> 01:06:36,763
HA HA!
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
696
01:06:36,763 --> 01:06:43,737
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
**
69968
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