All language subtitles for Drop Dead Diva (2009) - S03E12 - Bride-a-Palooza (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 Celdra)_track3_[eng]

See that aspiring model?
That was me, Deb,

until the day I died.

I thought
I'd go straight to heaven,

but there was a bit of a mix-up

and I woke up
in someone else's body.

So now I'm Jane,

a super-busy lawyer
with my very own assistant.

I got a new life,
a new wardrobe.

The only people who know
what's going on with me

are my girlfriend, Stacy,
and my guardian angel, Fred.

I used to think everything
happened for a reason.

And, well,
I sure hope I was right.

Good morning, sweetie.

Did you finish reviewing
my contract for my sitcom?

I just got it last night.

So did you finish?I had a date with Owen.

He was so sweet.

He brought me
to this new place on Sunset--

Can we talk later?
You need to see this.Sure.

Sweetie, that is fantastic.

It's my bad side. Told them
not to shoot from the left.

I thought your left side
was good.

Tush, yes. Face, no.

Can you believe Brian
has photo approval and I don't?

Well, he is the star.For now.

Stacy, you're dating him.

Right.
So we should be equal.

I bet his lawyer reviewed
his contract last night.

Wow, are you kidding me?

I'm sorry.
It's been a long week.

First, I get the new job,
then Fred leaves.

Well, you left him.

Remember?
You broke his heart.

Yeah, I feel bad.

Anyway, on my TV show
I've been feeling

all this pressure
to be funny and sexy.

But that is no excuse
to snap at my best friend.

Okay.

I will review your contract
before lunch. I promise.

I will have my assistant
call you at 1.

You have an assistant?

You would know that
if you read my contract.

Oh.

Oh.

Excuse me. The 12th floor,
you going to Harrison-Parker?

That's right.Is it someone's birthday?

One of those singing telegrams?
I've wanted to do that.

No, I'm meeting a lawyer.Oh.

Sorry.It's okay.

Hey, boss.

Oh, my God, Princess Guinevere.

I've seen you at Medieval Mania.

I love the jousts and the feasts
and the unlimited grog.

You scream,
"Take it off,"

whenever the prince
wears a codpiece.

That's me.

I'm here to see Grayson Kent.

Oh, I'll take you.
Coffee, milady?

My father died last year.

He left Medieval Mania
to me and my brother, Lance.

Wait. His two kids' names
are Guinevere and Lance?

Yeah, and Merlin
was our goldfish.

Our dad was really into
the medieval thing.

You're into it too.I love my job,

but I'm in my garb
because I have a matinee.

If I understood you,

Lance wants to sell
the business, you don't.

He says the building's
on valuable property.

And yesterday,
I was served with this.

An action for partition.

Lance is suing to force you
to sell to a third party.

This would've broken
Dad's heart.

Will you help me?

A damsel in distress?

How could I say no?

I brought you coffee.

I got my own.

But maybe the princess
would like a refill.

You've got a big client
coming in today.

Madonna, Lady Gaga,
Sean Penn or Courtney Love?

Kelly Witsett.Is that Snooki's real name?

No, the Bargain Basement
Bridezilla.

Oh. Her?
She wants to sue
Conrad's Bridal.

A bratty bride
goes to a blowout sale,

gets into a fight
over a gown,

and she wants to sue?Right.

This has "frivolous lawsuit"
written all over it.

It's not frivolous.

I'm sorry, and you are?

Jacob Campbell.
I'm Kelly's fiancé.

Oh. Where's Kelly?

She's in the hospital.

My fiancée was injured
badly at that bridal store.

Please come see for yourself?

I suffered head trauma,
a ruptured spleen

and a punctured kidney.

I am so sorry.
I had no idea.

This photo
made national news.

It appears as though
Kelly's fighting for a dress.

I've seen this.You saw a bridezilla.

Now look at it this way.
My fiancée isn't fighting.

She's lying on the floor,
screaming in pain.

Conrad's deliberately
released the photo

at the wrong angle.

The sale was supposed to be fun.

The store had a big ad
in the paper

inviting brides
to a deal of a lifetime.

"Bride-A-Palooza Super Sale.
All brides get a free mini veil.

Find your dream dress
at a dream price."

They simply weren't prepared

for the number of women
who showed up.

I tried to get out,

but I fell down
and people just kept coming.

It's a clear case
of reckless endangerment.

Which I stated
in my complaint.

Are you a lawyer?

A third year law student.

I had to take
a leave of absence

to take care of Kelly.

And you need my help

so Conrad's takes this
seriously.

Oh, no. Here we go again.

I'll turn it off.No. I want Jane to hear it.

I'm with Steven Conrad,
president of Conrad's Bridal.

Is it true
that Kelly Witsett,

aka the Bargain
Basement Bridezilla

is suing your store? Yes, ma'am.

That woman was out of control
the day of the sale.

And she's out of control again.

Liar!Shh. It's okay, baby.

She's trying to get a payday
for a fight she started.

Jacob, Kelly, wait till they see
the fight I'm about to start.

I'm confused. Your card says,
"LMN Public Relations."

Are you a PR exec?

Yes. I planned
the Bride-A-Palooza Super Sale.

But you're not a lawyer?No.

Okay. Well, this is a settlement
conference, Miss Davis.

So we'll just wait
for the lawyers to show up.

They're not sending any.

Mr. Campbell's right.
Doesn't have to get litigious.

Miss Davis,
this is not a PR issue.

Mr. Campbell's fiancée
was seriously injured.

Now, my client
found this footage online

taken by another customer.

So let's just take a look.

There's Kelly.
She's shopping for a dress.

Then she's brutally thrown
to the ground.

She is kicked,
stomped and crushed.

Please, somebody.
Please, help me.

We want to make things right,

and I am authorized
to make a settlement offer.

Five thousand dollars?

And...

a gift certificate
for a free wedding dress.

All I need
is for you to sign right here.

A gag order?A privacy agreement.

This barely covers a day
at the hospital.

It's a very generous offer.

This was
an unfortunate accident,

but Conrad's did nothing wrong.

You may be able to spin this
for the news,

but the jury will see the truth
when they see this video.

So we'll see Conrad's
lawyers in court.

Do me.Love to.

How's the princess?

Fantastic, thank you.

Oh, you meant the client.

Good.
We got an expedited hearing.

Why is this princess
fantastic?

Because I got us reservations

at Oxtail Tavern's
Festival of Venison.

Good morning.

What's your ex-girlfriend
doing here?

I thought her case was over.

She lost her job.
She's working here as a temp.

Which means
it's just temporary.

Huh. From girlfriend
to client to employee.

Listen, if it's a problem--No, it's not a problem.

In fact, I'm swamped
and I could use the help.

All rise.

Oh. Uh-oh.

Why? What's wrong?

Nothing.

It's just, that judge,
I'm kind of dating him.

Miss Bingum?

Yes.

The attorney on record
is Jacob Campbell.

Last-minute change.
I am now lead counsel.

Is there an issue,
Your Honor?

I believe there is.

I am sua sponterecusing myself.

I don't wanna risk
the appearance of impropriety,

given my relationship
with Miss Bingum.

For clarity,
perhaps His Honor would care

to elaborate
on this relationship.

We've been on a few dates.

Seven.
Would you say, on the record,

that things are going well?

If they weren't, I wouldn't be
recusing myself, Miss Bingum.

That is all.

Go on with your bad self.

Hi.Hi.

These files are from 2007.
I need you to digitize them.

Then the paper files
need to be shredded.

Okay, I'm on it.

Then start on 2008.
I need this by Wednesday.

This Wednesday?Is that a problem?

It's just that I can't stay late
tonight for personal reasons.

This job requires long hours.

If you can't hack it,

I suggest you reconsider
the position.

I can hack it.Good.

Red leather, yellow leather.

Red leather, yellow leather.

Red leather, yellow leather.

Excuse me.

I'm trying to warm up
my vocal cords.

I'm so sorry
for the interruption.

Here's your non-fat,
soy foam latte.

I put your lipstick
on ice in your trailer,

organized by gloss.

And your agent called. You got
the Cheezy Chips commercial.

Oh, my God.
I'm gonna be the Cheezy girl.

Brian. Brian.Hi, babe.

Guess who's the new spokesperson
for Cheezy Chips? Me.

My character Officer Fellows.

Wow, I mean,
Stacy, that's--

Incredible. I know.

It's a national commercial,

and they're going to shoot it
right here.

Okay.

What?I don't know.

I just don't want you
to devalue your work.

Or besmirch Officer Fellows.

Besmirch?It means--

It means, Summer,
call my agent

and tell her
I will not be the Cheezy girl.

Then get me a low-carb
cranberry muffin,

but remove
all the cranberries.

I like the flavor
but berries--

Stick in your teeth.

You complete me.

Nice suit.

The princess dress
was in the wash.

Where the hell's the judge?
She's late.

I'm right here, counselor.

I thought Judge Singer
was presiding.

For personal reasons,
we swapped.

I apologize for my tardiness.

I've been getting up to speed
on this unusual case.

Can we get started?

We're asking the court to
dismiss the action for partition

and instead compel the plaintiff
to accept a timed buyout.

It's a win-win.
Gwen keeps Medieval Mania

and Lance gets the sale price
paid out

over the next
5 to 10 years.

No way.
I want the money now.

This is a simple
family dispute--

Actually, it's not.

I'm assuming you've seen
the agreement drawn.

Yes, but--There is no "but."

Their father was very passionate
about the medieval era.

Under Subsection 3
of the bylaws:

"The parties must settle

using the laws
of Richard the Lionheart."

Your Honor,
that was clearly a joke.

It's unusual,
but it's binding.

He's right.
Choice of law clauses

are recognized by our system.
You know that, counselor.

Henceforth, we will be following
12th century law.

We'll recess while I find
an expert in the matter.

That's absurd.You say "absurd,"

I say 'tis most exciting.

You've heard Witsett called,
"bridezilla,"

"out of control,"
"crazy."

But I am certain
you will feel differently

after seeing
what really happened.

Objection.
I move to exclude the video,

as it is more prejudicial
than probative.

If you define prejudicial

as evidence that doesn't
support your case.

It only serves
to inflame the jury.
No.

We have a chain-of-custody
issue.

Whoa. Wait, what?

Plaintiff's fiancé
found the video online.

Counsel has failed
to produce the videographer.

Anonymous evidence
is not permissible.

I'm ruling to exclude.

Wait, Your Honor.
You can't.

Jacob, stop.Sir.

The jury needs to see
what happened.

Sit down
or I'll hold you in contempt.

You have my ruling.

Hi.That was a disaster.

I'm sure it wasn't as bad
as he's saying.

No, it didn't go well. But
to paraphrase Calvin Klein:

"If the spring line gets panned,
there's always fall."

So you're either going shopping
or you have another strategy.

A good lawyer
always has a plan B.

So you and I
have to get back to court.

I'm sure you've learned
in law school,

it's not good
to keep a judge waiting.

Love you.

Dr. Andrews,
these photos were taken

when you admitted Kelly
to the ER?

Yes. Her injuries are consistent
with being trampled.

She had a punctured spleen,
likely caused by a high heel.

Wait, so a high heel
could puncture a spleen?

She was in a prone position,

and if a heel struck
at the right angle--

I'm sorry. Hold on.

To make it easier
for the jury to visualize,

I would like my lovely assistant
to come on down.

Would a high heel
puncturing a spleen

look something like this?

Objection.
This is ridiculous.

I'm just demonstrating
what happened.

You're scuffing
an expensive pair of pumps.

True.I'm allowing it.

Was that the extent
of my client's injuries?

No. She also suffered a ruptured
left kidney, also from a heel.

Something like this?

Yes, and trauma to the head
caused by a sharp blow.

Objection. She's trying
to prejudice the jury.

You mean the jury will never
look at Manolo's the same way?

That's true.We get your point, Miss Bingum.

In fact,
I may never shop again.

I'm calling a short recess.

Keep it.
Have a good one.
Thanks.

Hey there, judge.

Hey.
How was court?

I made an impression
on the jury.

Not bad,
though I've a long way to go.

I'm glad we're dating.
If I hadn't recused,

I wouldn't be sitting
on the most fascinating case.

I guess I come with perks.Indeed.

I'm adjudicating a case
using medieval law.

Oh, really?Oh, it's awesome. Awesome.

Except for the defense attorney.
Whine, whine, whine.

I wish I could tell the princess
to drop her lawyer.

The defendant's a princess?

No, no, no. She plays one
at Medieval Mania.

It's fun. We should go.Yeah, I'd love to.

Tell me more
about this jackass lawyer.

I just wanna get
a mental picture.

Uh, square jaw, puffy hair.
No sense of humor.

Come on, 12th century law.
Enjoy the ride.

Well, I'm sure
he's just trying to be earnest.

Well, I guess.Yeah.

Hope this goes on
long enough

so I don't get stuck
with Eagan v. Schwartz.

Oh, my God.
Patent case. Total yawn.
Oh.

You wouldn't have
a spare crespinette?

A crespinette would be?

Oh, a hat worn
by medieval nobility.

You know, I'm fresh out.

Really?
Well, eBay, here I come.
Yeah.

Jane, 'tis glorious
to look upon you.

Those snacks
are only for the cast.

You've been eating
more than your share.

Did you bring my contract?Right here.

Sign before the producers
realize they've made a mistake.

Like the mistake you made
by dumping Fred.

Who's way too good for you.

That is none of your business.

Deliveries go to my assistant,
but she's very busy right now.

What happened?

She got angry and tossed
her smoothie into her purse,

which she thought
was mine.

Our bags look alike
but yours is a knockoff.

How about I give
the contract to you?

How about you just wait
for my assistant?

I'm almost finished,
just have to blow-dry her bills.

When you're done,

that bag better not smell
like spirulina.

I know.

Mommy is so sorry that
I have to work late tonight.

Okay. I love you too.

Hey, Elisa.Hey.

Swamped, huh?
Yeah,
it's gotta get done.

Yeah, that's debatable.

Just scanning old files?Yes.

You know,
there's nothing so pressing

that you can't get home
to your son.

Yeah, but Kim gave me
a deadline.

I see.

I know you're reluctant
to tell Parker about Eric,

but you deserve--I appreciate everything,

but please understand
that's not gonna happen.

Parker has a right to know
that he's a father.

I'm sorry.
That sounded so preachy.

I just...

I think he can handle it.

But I can't. Not now.

He is my boss, and that's it.

There you are.

Excuse me. I need her.

Wow, what's wrong?

I delivered the contract
to Stacy.

You need to fire her
as your client and your friend.

Yeah, she's a little
out of control, isn't she?

And the Grand Canyon's
a little hole in the ground.

Ever since this acting job,
she has totally changed.

Do you know that she'll only go
to A-list events?

She won't unpack
her own shopping bags.

And she deleted Gossip Girl
from our DVR

because Blake Lively
is competition.

I know a guy
who will pick her up

and drop her off
south of the border.

Hmm.

Ooh, no, I've got a better idea.
Expect an evite.

You're throwing her a party?Not exactly.

Just RSVP "yes."

Hey. Did we have a meeting?

Tell me you know something
about medieval law.

You know,
I may be older than you,

but I am not that old.

I'm in front of this judge
who intends on trying my case

under the laws
of Richard the Lionheart.

Oh, wow.

Yeah. Crazy, right?Yeah.

I should have the bar
review this guy.

No, no.
Now, that's not a good idea.

If the contract in question
mandates medieval law,

then medieval law rules the day.
It's how the system works.

Right, but the judge
is way too into it.

He's gonna walk into
that courtroom in a funny hat.

See? He sounds whimsical.

Just, Grayson, enjoy the ride.

Judges get stuck
on boring cases,

like the patent case
floating around.

He's trying
to draw this one out

to avoid that one,
which I hear is a total yawn.

Hypothetically, I mean.

I bet you're right.No.

He's stalling.I was speculating.

I'm gonna talk to him.
Gonna put an end to this.

I'm gonna take care of this.
Thank you.

No, please do not thank me.

Don't thank me.
And don't mention my name.

Mr. McKenzie,
as an expert on retail security,

how would you rate Conrad's
security on the day in question?

Totally inadequate.

They hired four guards
to handle a crowd of 500.

How many would it have taken

to avoid the injuries
sustained by my client?

An algorithm determines

how many guards are necessary
to prevent a mob mentality.

Take square footage,
number of exits

and foot traffic.

They needed 12 guards,
not four.

Thank you.

Mr. McKenzie, this algorithm
is described in this book.

Your book.

"Shoes, Shirts and Security:
Retail Crowd Control."

That's right.

This algorithm says
that with 500 people

they should've hired 12 guards.Correct.

What if there were only
200 shoppers?

For 200 shoppers, the four
guards would've been sufficient.

Do you know how many shoppers
attended last year?
No.

Two hundred and eight.
And the year before that, 202.

And according
to their own PR firm,

they were to expect
the same number this year.

So how was Conrad's to know

they were gonna get
twice the average traffic?

I don't know.

An honest answer.

Your Honor,
we move you dismiss the case.

Excuse me?

There is no evidence
of negligence.

Plaintiff failed
to make prima facie case.

Your Honor, you can't--

I think I can, Miss Bingum.

Your client has my sympathy,
but the law is not on your side.

Case dismissed
without prejudice.

It's open.

Judge.

What can I do for you,
counselor?

We know why I'm here.Let's pretend one doesn't.

I think you need to be noble,
like a knight of yore,

and recuse yourself
from my case.

Is that what you think,
Sir Barrister?

Or, Sir Ex Parte Barrister,
who ought to know better

than to approach a judge
without opposing counsel?

You're not as interested
in 12th century law

as you are in dodging
a certain patent case.

Where'd you hear that?

Do the right thing.
Hand this case to another judge.

I'm gonna pretend
you didn't just threaten me.

I wouldn't call it a--

If it doesn't sit well,
make an appeal.

Little advice.
Tread lightly, counselor.

Hey, Jane, I got your message.Yeah.

I was rewatching the video.

Why?To find a way back into court.

But the judge dismissed.Without prejudice.

Which means...?

If we find admissible evidence,
we can refile.

Yep.But the video was excluded.

We didn't have time
to authenticate.

If we figure out who shot it,
we can introduce the footage.

Yeah. Hopefully.

All right, here we go.

Hey, Jane, pause it.Okay.

Rewind a little.

Pause it. There.Okay.

The girl wearing
a Fitness Farm T-shirt.

That's my gym.Okay.

We'll fax a screen grab,
see if anyone knows her.

A body like that, she's doing
Pilates five times a week.

When their father signed
the operating agreement,

they became bound by the laws
of Richard the Lionheart.

An amalgam of English and German
rules of knightly behavior.

How do these laws apply
to the present matter?

In property disputes,

the litigants
were afforded the opportunity

to determine
the merits of their case

by force of arms.

I'm sorry, what?

More commonly known
as trial by combat.

There's a novel approach.
So ordered.

You want them to fight?

I'm ready, willing and able
to face my brother.

I'm afraid that's not possible.

Miss Welsh
is hors de combat.

What did you call me?

Hors de combat.

Literally,
"outside the fight."

Women were barred from battle.

The thought being,
their reproductive organs

could not sustain a blow.

If I can't fight, I can't win.

A 12th century catch-22.

Actually, the magistrate
may name a champion

to fight in her place.

The magistrate would be me.

Hmm.
Who to pick?

Your Honor.Excellent idea.

I appoint Barrister Grayson Kent
to fight.

Tomorrow at Medieval Mania.

You have
a preference of weapons?

How about broad swords?Broad swords it is.

May the best man win.

Elisa, you're still here?
Who are you trying to impress?

Hey, put that down.

I've a whole system worked out.

You're digitizing closed files?

Yes. For Kim Kaswell.
And I have a deadline, so...

Ah.

Well, don't stay too late.

Jay.

Have a good night.

You too.

Did you know venison
was consumed way before

people ever ate chicken
or beef?

Did you know that Bernard King
scored 19,655 career points,

but is not in the Hall of Fame?

Why would I know that?

Why would I know
about deer meat?

Not to change riveting subjects,

but I saw Elisa
digitizing files.

And?

Wondering if that's the best
use of our resources.

Since when do you care
how I use a temp?

You're burying her in busywork.

You still have feelings
for her.

It's not like that.

Wow.

That was convincing.

Admit it, Parker,

you've fallen
for the damsel in distress.

What? No. I--

Why do you think
I gave her the work?

To see how you would react.

It was a test?Can you blame me?

I mean, with our past,
what do you expect?

I don't know
what you want me to say, Kim.

Wow.

Enjoy your dinner.

Sir Knight, meet Teri Lee.

Master of lance, mace
and the blade.

What?
You know how to do this?

I practically grew up
at Medieval Mania.

My mom thought
I was at the library.

Sir Gawain model.

My personal favorite.

You have a favorite sword?Yeah. Doesn't everybody?

You're freaking me out a little.

Grayson, put on your helmet,

and try not to get hurt.

En garde!

Still at it.Hey.

Figured if you were here,
you'd be starving.

I was about to order a pizza.

We're downtown,
no one delivers.

Except you.

Thank you, Jay.

Just do me a favor.
Don't eat at your desk.

But I promised Miss Kaswell--

You no longer report to Kim.

Go home. That's an order.

Thank you for everything.

The job, dinner.

You're not the same guy
from eight years ago.

I don't really understand
why I'm here.

Stacy's out of control.
We'll bring her back to earth.

She broke my heart,
now I'm supposed to help her?

Does she even talk about me?

Fred, this Stacy,

this is not the girl
you fell in love with.

I can't see her.

Fred, please!

Just think of this
as you helping me to help her.

You've no idea
what she's been like.

By the way,
where have you been living?

Youth hostel on Sunset.

A dollar every time
I wanna use the bathroom.

We're here
for the diva intervention.

Great.And you brought weapons?

Don't ask.

So Stacy's been
a little impossible, huh?

Yeah, but we're gonna nip that
in the bud.

I've been watching Intervention.

The key
to a successful intervention,

patience, purpose
and preparation.

If that doesn't work,
I got a 10-pound mace.

She's here.Oh, great.

Okay, places, everyone.
Um...

Let's start
with the prepared speeches.

So who would like to go first?

I'll go first.

Hello, Stacy.

Wow, my half-birthday.

You remembered!

Fred, what are you doing here?

Leaving.

Fred. Sit.

Stacy, please sit.

Where are my presents?Stacy, we all love you.

Of course you do.Some less than others.

I used to love you.

"Stacy,
we all want the best for you.

"Your diva-like behavior
has negatively affected us

in the following ways."What are you doing?

"You have been condescending,
dismissive."

An intervention?
Are you kidding?

Please, just hear us out.

I have lines to memorize.

And just so you know,

the world treats stars
differently.

Deal with it.

Boy, was Deb ever right.

About what?

She said you'd become a pill
if you made it big.

If?I'm sure Deb meant "when."

Let me tell you something.

Deb was always jealous of me.

And, no offense,
but if Deb were here,

I would tell her to kiss my ass.

Well, if she was here,

she would tell you
to get over yourself.

I would tell her to suck it up
and deal with her own failures.

And she would never
speak to you again.

Well, I'm never speaking
to you again.

We really need to do this
more often.

Hey, Jane, I got your message.

They ID'd the woman?Yep.

And there she is.

Let's go say hello.

Miss Alpert?

Yes, do I know you?No. No.

I'm a lawyer.
I have a quick question for you.

You were at Conrad's Bridal
last week

and someone filmed you shopping.

I was wondering
if you knew who.

I have no idea.

You waved at the camera.

I was just being friendly.

Excuse me, miss.
Can you try and think back?

Remember what this person
looks like? It's important.

Everything okay, honey?Yeah.

What's going on here?

This is my husband, Tom.

Newlyweds.
Congratulations.

Yeah.
Three years next month.

You were buying a wedding dress
last week.

I'm an actress.

I responded to a Craigslist ad
for extra work.

We were told to just show up
and act excited.

We?There were hundreds of us.

So Conrad's Bridal paid you
to pretend to shop?

We were paid,
but not by Conrad's.

Miss Alpert, who paid you?

I'm in charge of revamping
Conrad's PR campaign.

Bride-A-Palooza used to get
national coverage.

That's faded in recent years.That's right.

How many customers
did you tell Conrad's to expect?

Approximately 200.

Why do you think the turnout
was higher?

I'm good at my job.

Lucy Alpert, please stand up.

Do you recognize that woman?

I'm-- I'm not sure.

Isn't she one of the several
hundred women you hired

to make sure Bride-A-Palooza
remained newsworthy?

Isn't it true you purposely
underestimated the crowd size

in the hopes of generating
a newsworthy taffeta riot?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Before you finish,
you should know that

I subpoenaed
your Craigslist ad.

So remember,
you're under oath.

I can't hear anything.

No more questions.

Summer, where are you?
Why aren't you answering?

As soon as you get this,
you better call me back.

Oh, my God.

You're not supposed to be here
for another hour.

Why were you in Brian's trailer,
in Brian's bathrobe?

He wanted a muffin.

Where is he?On set.

Background.

And action.Cheezy Chips.

A cheese explosion
in every bite.

Crunch on!

And cut.
Nice work, Brian.

Hey, babe, what's up?

You son of a bitch!

You're doing my assistant
and my commercial?

In my defense,
you turned down the commercial.

You told me to!

Hey.That's for Summer!

And that's for besmirching!

We have an offer.

Six figures.What?

That's enough
to pay off Kelly's bills

and your last year
of law school.

What's wrong?

I don't know how to thank you.

Aw.

Just--

Counselor.Uh-oh.

The lawyer I complained about
works at your firm?

Yeah.
You told him
what I told you in confidence.

I am so sorry.
I didn't mean to.

I just, I wasn't thinking
and it slipped out.

And I swear I will never--

I swear I will never get bored
doing that.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a duel to preside over.

I heard. I know you don't like
Grayson. Don't let him die.

Miss Kaswell.

Lady Guinevere.

Oh, my God.

Your Honor,
you have to reconsider

before someone gets hurt.

Lex est lex.

"The law is the law"?

Exactly.

The combat will proceed
as ordered.

This is moronic!

And you know what?

I can't be a part of it.
I'm sorry, Kim.

I'm out of here.

And remember,
it's parry then thrust.

Just like sex.He won't budge.

Okay, it's game time.
The weapons room is that way.

And remember--Parry, thrust.

I know.

Good luck, fair knight,
and good knowing you.

Sir Lance. Sir Grayson.

Stand ready.
Join combat.

And may the just
and righteous prevail.

Parry and thrust.
Parry and thrust.

Teri.Is it hot in here?

I declare the battle over.

Gwen's champion has prevailed.

Actually...

I've prevailed.What the hell?

Oh, and by the way,

my reproductive organs
are just fine.

She broke the rules.
The match is a forfeit.

Your Honor.

Judge, according to the laws
of Richard the Lionheart,

a thing proven by experience
to be true

must, a posteriori,
be true and accepted as true.

What's he talking about?The fact she fought and won

is proof of the merits
to her claim.

The barrister's correct.

The structured buyout
proposed by Guinevere's counsel

shall be enforced.

Excuse me.

Look, about the other day
in chambers.

I apologize if...Never happened.

Thanks.

Between us,
if I'd actually lost that fight,

you weren't gonna force Gwen
to sell.

Let's just say,

I have always been confident
in a just and noble verdict.

Big win today.
Yeah.

Big loss today, too.

My best friend.

Speaking of which. Stacy.

Ignore.

Probably calling
because she wants me to...

hand-squeeze
her goji berry juice,

or retile the bathroom
in a mosaic of her face.

Guess who.Don't answer it.

Fred, don't answer it.

Listen, this is how we deal
with Stacy. We stay strong.

We turn off our phones
and we hope that one day,

she will be her normal
crazy self again.

Fred, answer.

Come on, answer.

We have to get you processed,
find you a bed for the night.

I have to stay the night?You assaulted Brian Pullman.

He's a big star.

He wants the D.A.
to press charges.Wait.

I'm a star, too.
Doesn't that count?

You're a star?Mm-hm.

I play Officer Brittany Fellows
on TV's L.A.P.D.A.

Oh, of course.

Well, in that case...

Here's your wardrobe.

And your motivation
is not to get your ass kicked.

Phone.

But I really am a star.