All language subtitles for American.Dreamz.2006.1080p.BluRay.x265-RARBG

(FAX MACHINE TRILLING)

(FAX MACHINE WHIRRING)

How are the numbers?

Incredible.

(CHUCKLES)
Absolutely incredible.

Congratulations.

I'm leaving you.

Did you hear what I said?

I'm leaving you.

Yeah, I heard. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm not kidding.
I know.

Look, I think it's an excellent decision on your part.

You do?

You're a fantastic person,

and the last year's been great, really.

You're beautiful.

The sex has been wonderful.

You're kind and supportive.

You wait for me with dinner when lwork late.
You're amazing.

And it's driving me out of my fucking mind!

You know, with numbers like this,

this should be the happiest day of my life,

and instead I have to worry about whetherl make you
happy all the time!

Jessica, sweetheart,

you make me feel like being a better person,

and I'm not a better person.

I'm me.

I feel sorry for you.

Don't.

I certainly don't.

In fact, I envy myself deeply.

THOMAS: Morning.
AGENT: Morning.

THOMAS:
Good morning, Mr. President.

And congratulations.

It's good to have you with us for another four years.

Thank you, Thomas. It's good to be back.

THOMAS:
Would you like me to turn on the TV, sir?

Oh, no. That‘s okay.

Hey, I'll tell you what.

How about the paper?
The paper, sir?

Yeah. Oh, what the heck?

We'll see what the New York Times
has to say about things.

Bet they're eating some crow this morning.

We have a copy anywhere?

We can get one, sir.

All right, get one. And scare up my reading glasses.

I'm going to read the newspaper.

Shall I bring it to the workout room, sir?

No, uh, I'm gonna read my paper right here in bed.

Take it a little easy this morning.

Well, you deserve it, sir.

Yes, I do.
It was a heck of a fight.

THOMAS: Yes, sir, a heck of a fight.

The important thing is, the good guys won.

(GRUNTING)

Cut!

Cut!

(GROANS)

(GUN COCKING)

(GUN FIRING)

(GUN FIRING)

(GRUNTS)

(SPITTING)

Cut!

DIRECTOR:
This guy is pathetic! He's ruining every shot!

You, come here!

I'm sorry, sir.
Sorry?

Is that what you're going to say

when you endanger your brothers on the holy mission?

No. Just stay out of the shot.

Yes, sir.

My wife's cousin. Otherwise,
I send him back home tomorrow!

Okay, everybody, from the top, huh?
Let's shoot this puppy!

Come on.
Come on.

("ONE" PLAYING)

(HUMMING)

(SINGING) One, pah!

Singular sensation

Every little step she takes

(HUMMING)

One, pah!

Thrilling combination

Every move that she makes

(HUMMING)

OMER: One smile and suddenly nobody

else will do

You know you’ll never be lonely

With you-know—who

One moment

Oh!

What is this?
(MUSIC STOPS)

Was I being loud?

You could hear it down into the valley.

Hey...

That was rare.

You are lucky it was me who found you,

not one of the others because they would

(MIMICS SLASHING)
cut your throat!

I'm so sorry.
I like show tunes.

I grew up listening to them.
My mother had a collection of 50 records.

Your mother was killed by an American bomb.

I know that.

That is why I'm here.

Look, I've got some news for you.

Your papers came through.

You are leaving next week
for Frankfurt, and from there to Orange County.

You'll be staying at our mutual cousins'. They know
nothing of your purpose there.

You are to just wait until your sleeper cell
contacts you.

When will that be?

Never.

I can't. I just can't, I can't, I can't. I can't
possibly. I can't do it.

It's too horrible.
Please, not another season, please.

I beg you, don't make me do it.
Don't make me do it.

Don't make me do it.
Everyone's ready for you, sir.

Right, terrific. Okay, let's go!
Let's rock and roll, yeah?

Good morning. Good morning, everyone.
Lovely to see you again.

Or, rather, not see you.
Can we have the house lights, please?

Now?

Now?

Not next Tuesday. Cheers. Boo!

ALL: Boo! (LAUGHING)

Here we are again.
Here we are yet again.

Here we are, producing the most
popular show on television.

The show to which not only America, but now the
whole world is glued.
Yay!

Which brings me to the task at hand.

When you're on top,
there's only one place to go.

And where is that?
Down!

Who said that?

(WOMAN CLEARING THROAT)

"Down" is an incorrect answer.

The answer is "up." Up!

Because if you go down, do you know what happens?

All those people who were buttering you up and smiling
at you just moments ago

leap on you and kick you and kick you

and kick you and kick you and kick you
until you shut up.

Down is not an option.

So let's go out there and get some great contestants.

And I don't just mean talented.
I mean human.

And by human, I mean flawed.
And by flawed, I mean freaks.

Bring me some freaks.

Let's make this a show that even I would watch.
(LAUGHS)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Is it them?
Is that them?
Don't run!

(THUDDING)

Wait, wait, wait!
Your hair!

Okay, okay, okay.
Stop, Mom.
All right. Go!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Oh, Goddess,
please, please, please.

Sally Kendoo?
Yeah.

We're from American Dreamz.

I know. And we're here to tell you...

You've been selected to perform on the show.

(SCREAMING)
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Why do you do that?
Do what?

You know what.

Just once I would like to tell when...
What are you doing?

Sorry. Screaming.

Yes! Yes!
Stop!
Stop, stop screaming.

Stop.
ITTLES: Dude.

I'm really sorry. We're gonna have to
do this all over again.

You're gonna
have to go inside, and come out

and jump forjoy all over again

because we didn't get it on camera.

Okay.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SCREAMING)

Yes! I got it! I got it!

She's good.
SALLY: Yes! Yes!

There's my guy.

Congratulations, Mr. President.

You said we'd tear them a new one
and we tore them a new one.

Excuse me.

The big guy up there tore them a new one.
He smited them.

Smote. Smote, smited, whatever.

What's with the papers?
New puppy?

They're newspapers.
I can see that.

Hi, Mrs. P. You look beautiful.
Good morning, Wally.

So, Mr. P, you ready to meet the press? Not right now.

Mr. P, we discussed this.

I mean, it was your idea to meet the press
after the big win.

Herald in a new era of openness, what with
our overwhelming mandate.

Yeah, I know. It's just that there
is a lot of stuff in here.

It... There's a lot of interesting things.

Well, yeah, there is a lot of stuff. They have to
fill the pages with something.

But I think "interesting" is stretching it.

Well, for instance, did you know

that there are two kinds of Iraqistanis?

(STAMMERING)
I mean, uh, actually,

three kinds of Iraqis.

Do you mean, Sunnis and Shiites
and Kurds?

You knew about this?

So did you.
You knew this, Mr. P.

(GROANS)
Yeah, but... It's in your weekly digests.

It's not like in this country,

where whites and blacks and Latinos all get along,

and there's no prejudicial deal between them.
I mean, these people,

they have some long-standing beefs with each other.

MRS STATON:
Look, honey. American Dreamz is coming on again soon.

That's great. Great.

Mr. President, we have to get you dressed and prepped.

The press is waiting for you.

You mean,
they're all out there waiting for me?

They certainly are.

(SIGHS)

Well, | just want to sit here and read for a while.

I think I deserve a break.
I'm kind of exhausted.

Mr. P, we need...

I am not going out there right now, g-damn it!

Move it. Fun in a bucket.
Fun in a bucket, everybody.

All right, all right.

Hey, Willie, where's Sally?
Get her down here!

Oh, you know how girls are.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Hey, man. That's some girlfriend you got. When you
gonna marry that girl?

We're talking about it, Uncle Fitz.

We're thinking maybe next spring, huh?

(CHUCKLES)
All righty. All right!

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY
ON RADIO)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

WILLIE:
Hey, Sally, it's you-know-who. Come on in, Willie.

(DOORKNOB RATTLING)
WILLIE:
The door's locked, babe.

What are you doing up here, Sally,

when everybody's down there celebrating your triumph?

(CHUCKLING) Great.
I'm really excited for them.

And they're really excited for you.

You know, I am, too.
I don't think I've ever been prouder in my life.

You know what?

I was pretty excited for myself, too,
for like a half-hour.

And then it sunk in that this means nothing.

Nothing?

Sally, this is your dream.
You've always wanted to be on TV.

No. I've always wanted to be a star.

Isn't that the same thing?

No, Willie, it's not the same thing. Any idiot
can be on TV nowadays.

All you have to do is swap your wife or eat
a sheep's anus or something.

Yes. Yes, but you are gonna sing.

Yeah. I'm gonna sing.

I'm gonna sing.
And I'm not good enough.

I'm not good enough!

Seven years!
No, you know what I am?

lam the best karaoke singer in this county of Ohio.

I'm going to go all the way out there, right?

And I'm gonna come right back home

and lose in the first round because I'm just...
I'm not good enough!

No way.
Yes.

No way.
Yes.

No way, no way, no way.
You're cute.

(SIGHS)
You got a great voice.

You got personality.

And you got a great voice.

Why, I think you're gonna win the whole damn thing.

And if for some reason those folks have their heads
up their stinkholes,

and you don't win, for whatever reason,

I'm not gonna love you any less.

I'm gonna love you more because I see your real beauty,

and I don't need no TV show to show it to me.

Honey, I got some big news today, too.

I'm being made assistant manager, plumbing fixtures.

Assistant manager.

And you know what happens next.

Manager, plumbing fixtures.

Willie? (CHUCKLES)

I think it's time we broke up.

What?

lt's just... I don't think it's working anymore.

Sure it is.
It's going great.
Not really.

No, your life is here.

And my life is...
(IMITATES WHOOSHING)

Or maybe it's...

(IMITATES WHOOSHING
AND CRASHING)

But either way, see, I can't take you with me.

But I love you.

I love you. Damn it, you can't do this to me.

No, listen.

You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I can't take it.

You stay up here and cry.

I'm going to go down and greet my fans.

MAN: Sally!

(ALL CHEERING)

Hi, everyone! Now, who'd like to hear a little song?

(ALL CHEERING)

MAN: Yeah!

(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING)

(SINGING)
She's a very freaky girl

The kind you don't bring home to mama

She's a super freak Super freak

She's super freaky

(COUGHS)

Wrong!

Do you want this?

Do you?

Well, then get your ass in gear!

Iqbal, darling.
What?

Your cousin Omer is arriving any minute.

Okay, I'll be up in a moment. I'm doing something here.

No, not in a moment.
A moment with you stretches into an hour.

Your cousin has come halfway around the world.

Let's show him some hospitality.

You come up right now!

Don't get me upset today, okay? You know
I don't like to get upset.

Nazneen!

What a home. It is, oh, stupendous.

(CHUCKLES)
What, this old place?
Nazneen!

Nazneen!

There you are. Aunt Nazneen.

This young man thinks our little home is stupendous.

What, this old shack?
Let me see you. Let me see you.

SHAZZY: Hey, Omer!

Could this be little Shabnum?

Call me "Shazzy." Everyone does.

I'm so excited you‘re here.
It's been, what, 10 years, right?

Yes. We're gonna party like rock stars!

Okay.

NAZNEEN: Oh, Omer. Omer.

I am so, so sorry about your mother.

You know I loved her very, very much.

I told herto leave Baghdad. It's too dangerous.

(SNIFFLES)

But she was headstrong.

No, no, Nazneen.
This is a happy day.
Remember.

Oh, yes, of course, sweetie. Yes, honey.

RIZA: Hey, Iqbal, this is your cousin, Omer!

OMER: Oh, hello.
Hi. Long time no see.

Come on. Come on, everybody.
Come on, sweetheart.

Come on,
let's be happy.
OMER: (CHUCKLES) Yes.

The President hasn't made a public appearance
for the last three weeks.

What about the rumors that he has a mystery ailment?

There is no mystery ailment.

As we all know, the campaign process
takes a lot out of a person.

And the President has been enjoying the intervening
time to rest and reflect

Is it true that he left President Putin on hold
for 30 minutes

when the Russian president called to congratulate him?

Absolutely not.

The President and Mr. Putin had a nice talk.

The President considers him a close friend

while, of course, deeply mistrusting
his undemocratic tendencies.

(REPORTERS LAUGHING)

Sir, what about the rumors that the President had
a nervous breakdown?

Nervous breakdown?

(SCOFFS)

Look, fellows, I would like to remind everyone
that we're still at war here.

The terrorists are looking to exploit
any sign of weakness.

And it's not a question of if

but when they're going to launch a major attack
ending life on Earth as we know it.

So let's just try and keep a positive attitude.

Okay, that's it.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Poopie.

Poopie!

Oh, hey, Poopie.

When did you get up?
Four hours ago. (CHUCKLES)

It's time for you to get dressed.

I picked you out a nice suit.

We both think you need to get up
and get out of this bedroom.

Who's "we"?
Hi, Mr. P.

Oh, hi, Wally,
I didn't hear you come in.
I guess you were distracted.

(STAMMERING)
Wally, be careful with that pile.
That is the Canadian press.

Canadian press?

What on Earth are you doing reading the Canadian press?

Who outside of Canada gives a shit
about the Canadian press?

Wally, language.
They're our neighbors.

Our neighbors?

Sir, you are worrying me here.

I don't know how long I can cover for this.

(GROANS)
Well, there is nothing to cover for.

(SIGHS)

I'm just... I'm just trying to figure out a few things.

If you wanted more info, sir, why did you cancel
the weekly briefings?

Because I'm not sure
I'm getting the straight poop from them. That's all.

I mean, Iran and North Korea

are notjust like Dr. Octopus and Magneto.

You don't like cartoons?
Fine, they're gone.

Joe, we're trying to help, here.

Linda?
Well, uh, we were wondering

maybe you ought to take some of these.

What,
your hormone pills?

They're not hormone pills.
They're happy pills.

They make you happy when you're sad.

Well, hold on here.

Are you sad?
No. I'm happy.

But I think you're a little sad maybe.

I think maybe you ran so hard,

you fought so well for this wonderful victory,

so that you could help your country, and...

You fought so well

for a wonderful victory.

Fought so well
for the wonderful victory that you...

Now you have the wind, the wind knocked out of you.

You're wondering, what was the point of it all.

Why you? Why now?

Why did the Lord pick you out of all people?

What are your special qualifications?

And did the Lord even pick you?

Or was itjust having really, really powerful friends?

Are you saying the Lord didn't pick me?

The Lord did pick you.
He picked you.

Of course, he picked you, honey.

The thing is, wejust can't have a President

who stays in his pajamas all day.

WALLY: Come on, sir.

The country needs you.

I like the country.

Well, that's good, because you're its President.

Hello, William.
Hi, Mrs. Kendoo.

I just came by to, uh, say goodbye to Sally.

Well, have you up and joined the Army?

I have, Mrs. Kendoo.

Ijust feel like, since Sally dumped me,
my life has been meaningless.

So I'm trying to find meaning by defending my country.

And Ijust wanted to tell Sally that.

Well, William, that's very sincere of you,

but Sally isn't here.

She's in New York, meeting with agents.

Agents? They're folks that, uh...

They act greedy and mean for you so you can
seem like a nice person.

But Sally is a nice person.

So I'm not gonna get to see her, then, am I?

I'm afraid not, William.

Well, you, uh... You just tell her

that, wherever I am, I'll be thinking of her.

And I got her face tattooed on my arm.

It's from our prom photo.

Well, it's beautiful work.

(SIGHS)

Well.

(DOOR CLOSES)
(MRS. KENDOO GROANS)

Now | feel like a terrible person.

Oh, you can't help it if that boy wants to go do
something foolish like get a tattoo.

(SCREAMING)

I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored.

I'm bored, bored, bored of these contestants.

I want some variety, okay?

I want someone to love. I want someone to pity.
I want someone to laugh at.

I want someone to masturbate over.

Possibly, we have that already.

I want... I want an Arab.

I'm part Arab.

No, don‘t be ridiculous.

No. Mother's Syrian. Dad's Korean.

Good God. All right, then.

Bring me a fellow Arab. And a Jew.

Bring me an Arab and a Jew.

What about an Arab Jew?

Don't be funny.

ASSISTANT:
Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt.

Martin, I've got the White House on the phone for you.

No, love.
ldon't think you have.
I think I do.

Hello? Martin Tweed.

No commercials.

Don't be ridiculous.
We can't do no commercials.

The PR benefit to you will more than make up for it.

With all due respect, we are the number one show
on TV.

We are watched by college freshmen,
grandmas in retirement homes,

death-row inmates, nuns.

We hit every demo.
That is the reason you've come to us.

You need the PR more than we do.

We're talking about the President of
the United States here.

Yeah, a President who hasn't been seen
in public for weeks.

There are rumors he's gone bonkers.

He hasn't gone bonkers.
Doing great. Feeling good.
Has a good sense of humor,

tremendous popular appeal.
Man of the people.

That's why we want to get him out there in a big way.

I heard you're also booking
him on Larry King and Oprah.

That's correct.
MARTIN:
No, that is incorrect.

If he does our show, he cannot do any other show
before our show,

and he cannot do another show for at least a week
afterwards.

But those are talk shows.

The President's old friends with Larry,
and he loves Oprah.

Don't we all?
Still, those are my terms.

No other TV appearances.
Two commercial breaks.

No commercial breaks.
Two.

One.
One.

One commercial break.

Okay.
Okay. Great! Great!

(MARTIN WHOOPS)

Looks like the President's gonna be a guestjudge
on American Dreamz.
(LAUGHS)

SHAZZY: Hi.
Hello.

Oh, well, now he looks as strange as you two do.

Nonsense. He looks adorable.

He barely let us spend anything on him.
All this stuff was on sale.

Thank you so much. This is more than I need.

You see?
You two need to learn a lot from this fellow.

Darling, we must get him his own credit card.

Why not?

Hey, Omerizer.
Want to see something cool?

Watch out. Super-gay-meister might jump you!

Shut up, hairy she-male!
Let's go.

IQBAL: (SINGING)
She's a super freak Super freak

She's super freaky

(HARMONIZING)

OMER: Wow.

(EXCLAIMING)

Bravo!

Okay. Thank you.

Thanks.
Oh, the shaking.

Okay, now you're just making fun of me. Stop.

No! No!

No, you are extremely talented, cousin.

Not only as a singer but as a dancer.
You have pizzazz, my friend.

Really?

You really think so?
Yes.

Wow.

How strange to not be met with mockery.

Who mocks you?

Uh, everyone! That's why no one's allowed down here.

Oh, this is a spectacular set-up you have.

You think so?

Oh, gosh! I really wish you would have
been here last month!

l taped an audition for American Dreamz.

Had to have Shazzy run the camera. She couldn't
stop shaking with laughter.

So how do you work the lighting in here?
Oh, I'll show you.

Hey, how long you been in Iraq?
Fourteen months.

Wow. Fourteen months.
You must have seen a lot of stuff.

This is my first day here.

In fact,
Ijustjoined the Army two weeks ago.

I had kind of an accelerated basic training.

I was pretty surprised
when they said, "Pack your bags. You're going to Iraq."

Honestly, I thought they were joking.

Hey, you got any advice for me?

Don‘t get shot.

"Don't get shot."

Okay. Will do.

(BULLET WHIZZING)

(MACHINE GUN FIRING)
What was that?

I think you just got shot.

My tattoo!

First off, I think you're really talented,

and you have a chance to win this whole thing.

A chance? She's going to win it all, mister.

Mom, shut up.
Go on, Chet Krogl.

Thank you. I know she's gonna win, Martha.

That's why I'm representing her.

But winning American Dreamz isn't just about talent.

You have to have a story.

Now, the whole "poor white trash" thing is great.

Well, we're not white trash.

No. No, no, no. Of course not, of course not.

But it doesn't hurt to imply that you are.

Look what it's done for Britney Spears.

See, everyone in America thinks they're middle class.

So they like to have someone to look down on.

We are middle class.

Mom, shut your gaping pie hole.
Go on, Chet Krogl.

Human interest is what wins these things.

Now, absent father's not bad.

You two are divorced, right?

Well, uh, Daddy lives with another man in Chicago.

Another man.

Hmm.

Maybe? Well, no.

Let's not feature that.
That's too much of a wild card.

Now, one thing that is important, Sally,

is that you not appear to want it too much.

I'm just singing for the love of singing.

As long as I get to get on that stage

and perform in front of that incredible audience,
I'm happy.

Not bad. Not bad.

(SALLY CHUCKLES)

Now, of course, on the inside, you do need to want it
really badly.

Mr. Krogl, I'd rather jab my eyes out with
toothpicks and eat them

than lose this thing.
Okay. Awesome!

Um, there's sort of this Hollywood thing.
The camera puts on 10 pounds.

So you're gonna want to lose 20.

Screw you.

I control my weight swings.
No one else.

Having a little extra meat,

taking it off, packing it on can really make people
root for you.

Hasn't hurt Oprah.

I love Oprah.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

We're busy!

Could you get that?
Yes.

Oh, my Lord! Sally, you better get over here.

(WHISPERING)
It's William. He's back. And I think he's been wounded.

Oh, my God.

Oh.

I know. Poor William.

MRS. KENDOO:
I don't think he's going away.

Who's William?

It's Sally's old boyfriend.

She broke up with him a few weeks ago.

Yeah, it just wasn't gonna work.

Every time he smiled, I wanted to hit him
in the head with my shoe.

So he's a returning war veteran injured in Iraq?

That's right.

Yep.

Sally, remember what I said

about human interest being the thing
that wins American Dreamz?

Hi, William.

Hi, Sally. I'm back.

Brought you some flowers.

Oh, gosh. Thank you, William.

I got injured in Iraq.

Yeah, I can see. I'm so, so sorry.

Well, I... Ijust came
to say hi, so...

Yeah. But, William, um,

I'm actually really happy that you're home

and you're back

and you're alive.

(GROANS)

Oh, oh, sorry, sorry.
No big deal. No big deal.

Um, listen, I'm so happy to see you, too. I...

Sally, who's the guy with the video camera?

Nobody. He's just my agent.

Oh, cool.

Keep going. Don't mind me.

This is Linda Garvey reporting
live from the White House.

It is his first official state visit
since his re-election,

and the President is hosting the Premier of China.

Unfortunately, news cameras weren't allowed
inside for the meeting.

I am terrified of North Korea.

I keep having this nightmare.

The sirens are going off,

and then someone rushes in and tells me that the
North Koreans are attacking.

So I run to get my Bible, but I can't find it.

And then the sky goes dark.

Do you ever have nightmares?

Vamp. Improvise.

(SPEAKING MAN DARIN)

Bye-bye. Sure you don't want to sleep over?

All right. Next time.
Bye, now.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Well,

I think that went really well.

He seems like a real nice guy.

WALLY:
Yes, he's very nice.

Very nice, for a communist dictator.

What the hell is going on here, Joe?

I mean, have you had a frigging nervous breakdown?

Uh, no.

"Uh, no," is not a very reassuring answer.

Joe, you remember when we first met?

When I came up to you
at that fundraiser for your dad, and I said,

"You're gonna make one hell of a President."

And you said, "You mean my dad is." And I said,
"No, pal. You are."

I kind of remember it. I was pretty toasted.

Is that what's happening here?
Are you getting toasted again?

Do you have a bottle hiding somewhere?
No! Of course not.

'Cause I'm there for you.

It's just that

there are some things that kind of seemed
pretty black-and-white.

And now they're kind of becoming a little gray-seeming.

I'll tell you one thing that isn't gray-seeming.

Your numbers.

The only demo where you have an approval
rating above 30%

is with children under the age of five.

You know what they're saying out there?

Yeah, I've been reading the papers.

They're saying
you've disappeared. They're saying you've gone cuckoo!

Look, Mr. President.

We have a lot of important work to do.

We're making democracies, and you have to keep your eye
on the prize!

First off, no more newspapers.

In fact, no more reading. Back to the regular briefing.

Second off,
we're gonna up the dosage on your medicine.

Third off, we‘re going on a publicity blitz

to show the world that you're still going strong,
still have the common touch.

And to start off with, you're gonna be a guest judge
on American Dreamz.

Are you sure that's dignified?
Oh, it will be dignified.

And charming. And populist and on-message

because you'll be wearing this.

Uh, what is that?

Hey, Omer. Want to go to the mall?

We just went last weekend.

Yeah. Now we're going again.

Why? Did you forget to purchase something?

If you do not mind, I think I will pass
on the mail today.

I would like to just stay here and relax.

Okay. Bye!
Bye.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

You're too kind. You're too kind, really.
Thank you very much.

Thank you.

And now a piece from the classic,
Guys and Dolls.

This is really a new low.

This Iqbal guy can't sing.
Neither can the Hasidic guy.

What? The Hasidic guy rules.

Wait! I hear singing.
Start the camera. Start the camera.

(SINGING)
Luck be a lady tonight

Luck be a lady tonight, pah!

Luck if you've ever been a lady to begin with

Luck be a...
(IMITATES WHOOSHING)
Tonight

May | help you?

You do not understand.
I have no desire to be on a television show.

ITTLES: (ON VIDEO)
But you have real talent.

OMER: Do you really think so?

But it is a moot point, because it is not I
you are looking for.

It is my cousin, Iqbal.

I want him.
No, I don't want him.

I need him. I love him.

That is it. That's my Arab.
lqbal's out. Omer's in.

Okay. We're working on it.

Now here's a tape that Sally Kendoo's agent sent over.

The white-trash girl from Ohio.

Apparently, she has a boyfriend who was injured
in the Iraq war,

and this is footage of their reunion.

Now look at this right here.

(WHISPERS)
Did you get that?

Whoa.

Give me that. Give me that. Give me that.

(WHISPERS)
Did you get that?

Dirty bitch.

Oh, my God. It's Martin Tweed!

Martin Tweed, everyone!

(WOMEN GASPING)

ALL: Oh, my God!

MRS. KENDOO: Get back. Get back, everyone!

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Mr. Tweed.

Come on in.
Thank you very much.

Mrs. Kendoo?
Oh, yes.

And a lot of other Kendoos.
(CHUCKLES)

Can I get you some hot bundt cake or how about a beer?

No, thank you very much.
I'm on a strict sashimi diet.

Martin, Chet Krogl.
We met at upfronts a couple of years ago.

Right. Yeah, Chet Krogl.

I don't want to talk to you.
Okay. No problem.

Do you know what? Do you think I might go upstairs
and talk to Sally in private?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

(CHUCKLES)

Cool car.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.

Not easy renting a Ferrari
in Padookie, Ohio.

I'm surprised that you're here, cause I thought

we were supposed to meet for the first time
onstage at the show.

Yeah. Normally, we would.
I never produce these segments.

But I heard Padookie was an exciting town.
Thought I'd check it out.

That was a joke.
I'm aware.

You didn't laugh.

It wasn't funny.

No.

But why didn't you laugh just to kiss my ass?

I figure you didn't need me to kiss your ass.

I mean, I'm sure you have people kissing your ass
24 hours a day.

And I guess, like, not kissing your ass

is like kissing your ass for most people.

Absolutely right.

It's weird. One can become quite detached from reality
when one's famous.

Really.

(CHUCKLES)
That sounds so cool.

Yeah, it can be.

So, Sally, I've seen your tapes, and
I think you're very talented.

Really? You do?
Well, moderately.

But beyond that...

Beyond that?

I think I like you.

I don't mean romantically,
I mean,

I think I like you as a human being.

MARTIN:
So have you ever been in a Ferrari before?

SALLY:
Yeah, yeah, tons of times.

You know, sometimes, I'll be driving my Enzo
down Mulholland Drive,

really gunning it. I'll look at the little railing
at the side of the road

and the steep drop just beyond that, and I'll think,

"Wouldn't it be great just to shoot off the edge
of the cliff?"

Wouldn't that be fun?
Mr. Tweed, I...

No, no, no, no, no.
Don't call me "Mr. Tweed."
Call me "Tweedy."

Like "Tweety Bird," but with a "D"?
Exactly, yeah.

You know, my mum used to say to me,
"Martin, you have no talent.

"No one will ever love you."

Well, look at me now, Mum!
Look where no talent will get you!

You jealous, drunk old bitch.

Really, that's...
That's great.

But, Tweedy, can you...
Can you help me win?

Because I would do absolutely anything
to win this show.

I'd love to help you, Sally,
but there's only so much I can do.

It's down to you.
You've got to make the people love you.

The way that they love you?
Nope. Nobody loves me.

My mum was right about that.
But it's fine. I don't care.

I don't want the fake bullshit that passes for love
in this world.

Well, you don't have to worry about me. I'm not
even sure that I like you.

Wow.
(LAUGHS)

My God, I can't believe I just said that out loud.

I never say stuff like that out loud.

Oh, I think you are a rapacious little bitch.

Well, Ithink
you're a self-involved, preening idiot.

Sociopathic, egomaniacal, Madonna wannabe.

No-talent, famous-for-being-famous,

third-rate, Regis Philbin clone!

SHAZZY: So, at the mail today, I upgraded my plan
to 5,000 minutes,

but it's a family plan.

Thank you, Auntie.
IQBAL: You should've gotten 10,000.

Um, Iqbal?
Yeah.

Something very odd happened today.

(CHUCKLES)
It's funny, really.

You see, uh, these people from the American Dreamz
television show came by.

Yeah?
And, uh...

(CHUCKLES)

And?
And, uh, I was using your stage,

and they heard me singing, and they want me to be
on the show.

Mmm.

I'm sorry. Did you say they want you
to sing on the show?

Mmm-hmm.

Isn't that amusing?

Holy crap.
NAZNEEN: Shazzy.

Congratulations, Omer!
Thank you.

"Congratulations, Omer!"
That's what you have to say!

"Congratulations, Omer!"

Do you know how hard I have worked
to get on this show?

You've stolen my dream!

I'm so sorry. I told them. I told them
they had made a mistake.

But do not worry.

Iwill... IwiII simply refuse to be on
the television show. Yes?

Yes, and then they must take you instead.

They don't want me.

Nobody wants me!

Nonsense, sweetheart. We all love you.

Is that going to make me famous?
I don't think so.

MARTIN: (ON TV) Next week,
the exciting premiere episode of American Dreamz.

Which of these hopefuls will live the next
American dream?

Wait. Rewind the TiVo.

Pause it.

Hello.
Hello, Mrs. Riza.

Is Omer at home, please?
NAZNEEN: Yes, he is.

Who shall I say is asking for him?

Just some friends.

NAZNEEN: Come in, please.

Sun block, anyone?
OMER: Yes. Thank you, Auntie.

NAZNEEN: Sure.

Now, lam going to bring you boys a little treat.

Thank you.

Very cushy situation you have here.

No pool?
No. No, just the Jacuzzi.

The Western Command has learned of you
being chosen to sing and dance

on a hedonistic television show aptly named
American Dreamz.

Wow. You guys heard about that?

It's all a big mistake, you see.

They got me mixed up with my cousin

because I would never engage
in such a frivolous activity.

In fact, I'm going to tell them
I will not be on the show.

You are to do no such thing.

You are to perform on the show.

And you must get to the championship round

because judging the championship round

will be none other than the President of
the United States of America.

The President?

When you are onstage with the President,

you will have smuggled in an explosive belt.

And you are to martyr yourself,

killing, in the process, the head of the serpent.

What if I don't make it to the final round?

Omer, folks don't call me "The Torturer"

because I don't like to torture people.

You know what I mean?

Now, who would like to try some grapefruit sorbet?

In a busy political week

capped by a marked increase in his approval ratings,

the President has stepped back

into the public eye in a string of high-profile events.

Earlier this week, he hosted the Ukrainian President,

lifted weights with the head of the Organization
of African States,

spent some time with his dog, Henry,

and chatted with Carmen Electra at a black-tie event.

Thank you.
You come back now,
all right?

Okay.
Nice meeting you.
Okay.

After weeks of seclusion, suddenly,
the President is everywhere,

even signing on to guest judge

the finale of the top-rated television show
American Dreamz.

You hear that? We're back.

All right. Now hold still.

It tickles.

You want to wear this thing all night? Then sit still.

This thing is incredible.
Great reception.

I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier.

Hell of a week, sir! You really got back on message.

That's because you're telling me what the message is.

Exactly.

I just love that Carmen Electra. Thanks.

I would have never had the courage to go up

and talk to her by myself face to face.

Engaging girl.

Good night, Mr. President.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SOBBING)

One and two. Three and four.

Five...

Hey. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

What are you doing?

Nothing. Nothing.
I'm just rehearsing some dance steps.

Oh.

Look, Iqbal.

I am so sorry...
Stop.

I don't want your pity.
Does it look like I need pity?

No, no, no.
You have far too much dignity.

If these people know nothing about talent,
there's not much I can do about it, is there?

So let's see it.
Let's see your dance steps.

(STAMMERING) All right.

(SIGHS)

One and two. Three and four.

What?

Oh, there's no way you're gonna win this thing.

I know. I fear as much.

Are you sure?

Do it. Before I change my mind.

Okay. Now this is just the bass track.

It's good to practice moves to.

Mmm-mmm, ldon't like this kind of music.
It's just a bass track.

It's just for rehearsal!

Okay.

(SIGHS)

Now, one problem you have is you move like a
re-animated corpse in a zombie movie.

Not good.

You need to loosen up.

Okay. Come on, let's go.

Free-form jazz dancing, right now, immediately.

Iqbal, why are you helping me?

I destroyed your dream.

Yeah.

You did.

But that was yesterday.

Today, I've turned a page on a new chapter in my life.

I'm not sure being a performer
was ever what I was really meant for.

I'm more of a behind-the-scenes player. A puppeteer.

A Svengali, if you will.

As of today,

I'm your manager.

This is Martin Tweed, and I am
in the small town of Padookie, Ohio.

Our first dream starts right here,

where local chanteuse Sally Kendoo
hopes her dream comes true.

(SCREAMING)
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

It was always Sally's idea to perform, not mine.

I mean, she's been wanting to do this since
she was six months old.

Sing!

She did it before. She's just shy.
Come on, honey. Sing!

MARTIN: The last remaining business on Main Street is
Harry's Hangdown Bar and Grill

where Sally works as a part-time waitress.

The Hangdown is a home away from home

for the largely unemployed male population of Padookie.

(ALL CHEERING)

MAN: Come Oh! Yeah!

MARTIN:
Sally's high-school sweetheart
is a decorated war veteran,

a real American hero.

And halfway across America, hailing from
halfway around the world,

Omer Obeidi lives with his cousins, the Riza Family.

A refugee from the mayhem of the Middle East.

I cannot believe my good fortune
to be competing on the Show.

This is truly an American dream come true.

MAN: (WHISPERING) Now.

Now.

America, you will be Omerized.

MARTIN: Like any American kid,
Omer likes to hang out at the mall

where his posse all know him.

Omer! American Dreamz, baby!

Yo, Big O! I like your style.

O-mizzer!
That's my dawg right there!

Keep it real, man!
Remember that. Keep it real.

There may not be peace in the Middle East,

but there is Middle East in this piece,

as we visit cantor Sholem Glickstein,
recent Israeli immigrant.

I wish Omer luck.

I wish all of the contestants luck,
because I'm coming for them.

Do you hear that?

Do you hear that?
I am coming for you, bitches! I am coming for you!

Huh? Looks great.

Big day tomorrow, boss.
You fired up?

Yes. I am fired up.

(POP BALLAD PLAYING ON TV)

Debra?
Yes.

Do you think I'm lovable?

Lovable?

Yeah. Yes, sure, very.

Frank?

I love you. That's all I know.

Okay, thanks. You can go.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Welcome! Welcome! Welcome back, America!

Boo!
AUDIENCE: Boo!

I'm Martin Tweed, and I am so delighted to be back

with another exciting season of American Dreamz.
(CHUCKLES)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

We have some amazing dreamers who are gonna perform
for you tonight.

Some will triumph. Some will sink back into obscurity.

Only one will become America's newest sensation.

It's up to you, America.

Only you have the awesome power to lift someone up
into the heavens

and create a new star.

And here are your dreamers!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
Come on, watch your step! Watch your step!

GO, go, go, go! Come on, get on up!

Let's go! GO! Move it out! Move it!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(SIGHS)

(CHUCKLES)

I’d like to dedicate this song to a real American hero.

My boyfriend, William Williams.

He risked his life for our freedom,
and that's a real American dream.

(SINGING)
Mommy, don't drink me to bed tonight

What's gotten into your head tonight?

Did I make you mad?

Is that why you're sad?

Daddy, where have you been all my life?

Mommy said that

You got a new wife

And there’s nothing to do

But I know that’s not true

And there’s no one to hold me

Close when I cry

To rock me so gentle

Till the storm passes by

And I’m just a kid

But I know it ain't right

So, Mommy, don't drink me to bed tonight

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Sally.

I think you're terrific.

In fact, I think you have star quality.

Thank you, Mr. Tweed.

Sally Kendoo.

(SINGING)
Girl, let's not be friends

’Cause we've shared too much

Girl, you know that I'm yearning for your touch

'Cause I can't be less than your everything

'Cause I'll lay down and cry

I’ll curl up and die

Don't let this be how my story ends

It’s love or goodbye

So let's not be friends

(SINGING) I’m a rocking man

I’m a genuine rocking man

I’m a rock, rock, rock, Rocking man!

I’m a rock, rock, rock

(SINGING) I never felt

This way

Before

(SINGING)
Girl, you know I want you I got a rocket launcher

So, baby let's get raunchy tonight

CHORUS:
Let's get raunchy tonight

I don't want to taunt you
Or take you out and flaunt you

So, baby Let's get raunchy, all right

CHORUS:
Let's get raunchy, baby

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Sholem.

I only have two words for you.

Maze! tov!

No, you were wonderful.
Really, wonderful.

Good news, Pauly.
I don't want to be your friend.

In fact, you make me want to projectile vomit.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

Bobby, I think my ears are actually bleeding.
You are like a musical Ebola virus.

Cindy, uh...

I’m afraid I have felt this way before.

And it was just before I tried to kill myself.
Sorry, love.

Sorry.

I hate you!

Nice girl. Cindy.

Hmm.

Here he is.

Fantastic, Omer.

Don't clap.
No, no, of course.

(SINGING) To dream

The impossible dream

To fight

The unbeatable foe

To bear

With unbearable sorrow

To run where the brave dare not go

What the hell is that?
He looks like he stepped on a scorpion.

This is my quest

To follow that star

No matter how hopeless

No matter how far

To fight for the right

Without question or pause

To be willing to march into hell

For a heavenly cause

GO, Omer. Go.

To reach the unreachable star

You have been Omerized! Pah!

(ALL CHEERING)

(CHUCKLES)

Omer,

that was strange.

Strange,

but rather wonderful.

I think I have been Omerized.

I think I might be Omer-sexual.
(LAUGHS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(EXCLAIMS) Oh, my God!

Yes!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Yes!

SALLY: (SINGING)
They came on boats from across the sea

From faraway places

And far distant lands

(INAUDIBLE)

And still they come

To a place where they're free

They fly in on planes

With hope in their hands

Sometimes it feels

Like we're stuffed to the seams

But it's everyone's God-given right

To follow their dreams

CHORUS:
My American dream

SALLY:
Will come true for me

CHORUS:
My American dream

SALLY:
For all to see

Every woman and man

Has their own destiny

To dream American Dreamz

Dreamz with a Z

To dream American Dreamz

Dreamz with a Z

We began the show with 50 dreamers.

Now we're down to just three.

Boo.
AUDIENCE: Boo! (LAUGHING)

How are you doing?

You all right?

And the two finalists

will be revealed after this commercial break brought
to you by American Motors,

introducing The Tank, 50% larger than the next
biggest SUV on the road,

because you need it.

STAGE MANAGER: And we're out!
Come on, people. Hair and makeup, let's go, let's go.

All right. Give me some room over here, Travis.

Calm, calm, calm, calm.
Thank you, thank you very much.

Here you go. And you're supposed to be drinking this.

Must I?
Contractually, yes.

Your envelope.
Thank you.

STAGE MANAGER: All right,
let's wrap it up.
Let's get it started.

Let's get the chairs out.
Let's go.

Get the lead out.
Big smiles, everyone.

Big smiles. And we're back. Three, two.

Mmm. Excuse me. Delicious. That's wildly refreshing.

And now, America, you have voted.

Sholem Glickstein?
Yeah.

You are

not a winner.
(EXCLAIMS)

(ALL CHEERING)

This week‘s winners who will move on to the
championship round

are Sally Kendoo and Omer Obeidi. And don't forget,

on next week's finale, special guest judge,
the President.

(TV SWITCHES OFF)

(SIGHS)

Honey?

I have a confession to make.

I haven't been taking my happy pills.

Oh.

Actually, I haven't been taking mine, either.

But you don't seem sad.
Well, I guess I'm not.

At first, those happy pills really helped me a lot.

But, eventually, I think they
were just kind of like placebos.

Placebos? Aren't they illegal?

No, Poopie. It means fake.

(SIGHS)
(CHUCKLES)

Well, yeah.

Well.

You know,

I guess I kind of feel like I'm a placebo.

I mean, I've had speech writers

writing for me all my career

and advisors telling me what positions to take.

I can't even remember why I wanted to get into
politics to begin with.

I think it's 'cause my mom wanted me to.

Show my dad any idiot could do it.

Maybe I ought to just chuck the whole thing.
What do you think?

Starting with that American Dreamz deal.

Don't you say that.

Do you remember what I said the first time I met you?

Yeah.

"Hey, jerk-off, you spilled your beer on me."

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

After that.

When you went and got that towel

and borrowed that T-shirt from one of your frat
brothers for me.

I said, "Now that there is a good guy."

And I still think so today.

So you just go on and be on that show.

And then, afterwards, we will tell Wally
no more earplugs, okay?

Well, how am I gonna knowwhat to say?

Well, we will think of it together.

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Look at this! "Omer Mania!"

"America's newest mascot, adorable, hmm,

"Omer Obeidi has 'Omerized' the whole country."

(SHAZZY CHUCKLES)

It should have been me.

I mean, great, Omer! They love you! (CHUCKLES)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

MAN: Room service.

Hey, what are you gonna say
when you meet the President?

Uh, sorry?

"Sorry?" (CHUCKLES)
Omer, you crack me up.

Okay, we got two orders spicy tuna hand rolls,
a plate of fresh fruit,

and some chimichangas.

Oh, you guys go ahead and start eating. I, uh...

I have to go talk to the waiter
in private for a moment.

SO...

You have become quite the famous man.

You know why they vote for you?

Because they like me?

(SCOFFS)

Because you are a figure of fun to them.

They see you prancing and singing and they can
forget the terrors

they've inflicted on our lands
with their soldiers and weapons.

It could be. Yes, I guess.

But I have to hand it to you.

You have put us in a wonderful position to
strike them a crippling blow.

About that crippling blow.

I really don't know how I'm supposed to do it.

You see, really, there Is a lot of security there.

All you have to do is get me and the rest of your
brothers on the guest list

for the studio audience.

We will smuggle in the explosive device In pieces,
assemble it there,

and then you must only retrieve it

in the toilet-seat-cover dispenser
in the men's bathroom.

Then, when you meet the President

and shake his hand live on television,

you will ignite the device.

And I will see you in paradise.

You will be killed, too?

Not yet. It's a pretty small bomb.

But I'll see you up there in a few years, I'm sure.

So I'm just curious. How is this, uh,
Martin Tweed in person?

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Sally, Sally, Sally. I am so proud of you.

I always knew you hada great voice, and now
the whole world knows it, too.

William, no, no. I have not won yet.

Everybody seems to be forgetting that.

You know, folks, mmm, they love that Middle Eastern guy.

They love you more.

They love us more. You know how many hits we got
on our website last night?

Sixteen million.

Congratulations.
Thank you.

God, William.

You make me feel bad. Why do you care so much about me?

Why?

Because, honey, you are my dream girl.

Yuck. Ugh!

I can't stand looking at those damn French fries
anymore.

Just cover them up or something.

Sally Kendoo, I love you.

Okay? I love you.

I love how you binge eat and then starve yourself.

I love how pretty you sing, whether it's in the shower

or in front of millions of TV viewers.

I look at you, and | see that same girl that I fell
in love with in high school.

And I'd like to know, right here and now,

if you'd help to make my dream come true and marry me?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my Lord.

Hold it right there! Nobody move.

Chet, what are you doing?
I'm calling the camera crew.

No, you're not.
Put the phone down, Chet.

Chet, put the phone down
right now!

Chet, put the phone down!

What? Are you kidding me?
This is great stuff.

And, William, stand up, please.
But...

Stand up.

Now, please understand.
I am so touched by your proposal

and the sweet things that you just said to me,

but right now is a really bad time.

Do it on the Show!

On the show?
Absolutely.

That's a great idea.

Really?
CHET: Yes.

And do that thing about how,
every time you look at her,

you see the same girl you fell in love with
in high school.

You were listening?
I'm in the other room, man, so, yes.

And you. Hey, you! Are you still into
winning this thing?

Because this is what we in the biz call
"incredible television."

People are going to be in their living rooms, sobbing.

And then they're gonna be crawling over each other,

trying to get to the phone so they can call up
and vote for you!

Well, I'm up for it if you are, Sally.

Yes! This guy!

We are gonna get into this with the producers.

Can I see that ring for a second?

Wow, that's great.

We're gonna get a bigger one so that it plays on TV,

but there is nothing wrong with that ring.

Now, here's what I'm thinking,
Okay?

It's gonna be a special built around the wedding.

Do you sing at all, William?
I can sing a little bit.

I thought you could sing a little bit.

I think we're gonna call it
"Sally and William, sealed with a kiss."

What do you think about that?
I love that.

CHET:
Yeah, I think everyone's gonna love that.

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Omer?

Can I buy you a beer?

Oh, no, no, no, no. I do not drink. But thank you.

Hey, do you ever wonder why you're doing this whole
competition thing for?

(CHUCKLING)

Only every day.

But then I think of my mother.

She loved all types of singing.

It keeps me going on.

When I was 10 years old,

I weighed 200 pounds.

That is large.
Yeah.

And I told myself I would lose
90 pounds by the time I turned 14

or I would kill myself.

SO I lost the weight.

And, um...

I suddenly was really popular.

I had a whole new group of friends.
I had this cute boyfriend.

Even my teachers liked me better.

And my mom and I walked around the entire house,

collecting all the pictures of me when I was
fat and burned them.

I love my mom.

(GROANS IN DISGUST)

SO...

Good luck tomorrow.

Sorry I'm gonna have to destroy you.

(SNIFFING)

Here is your chewing gum.

Remember, no blowing bubbles.

IS this really necessary?

Just a little bit higher. Oh, that's good.

Yeah, that's beautiful.
Give me a little bit more in here.

Take my moustache down a little bit, too.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

My cousin's gonna bein the finale.
(LAUGHING)

William?
Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Omer's gonna go on first.

Then, after Sally is done,
we're gonna hit you with a spotlight.

Then you're gonna go onstage and do your proposal.

Got it?
Got it.

All right. It's happening.

She's very excited.

It's a joyful moment.
Joyful.

(CHUCKLES)
Hi, Tweedy.
Hi, Sally.

(SIGHS)

Just wanted to say good luck tonight.

Mmm, thank you.
(CHUCKLES)

Could you just give us a quick second, please?

Sure, no problem. Thank you.

So, um...

I think you're going to win.

(SALLY CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Novelty contestants never win the whole thing.

That's why I've been helping him along.

Thank you.

Hey, is something wrong?

No.

I mean, nothing beyond the usual creeping dread.
(LAUGHS)

(EXHALES)
All right. Well, I'm sure you know at this point

that William is supposed to
propose to me on tonight's show.

Yeah.

Do you think it's bad of me to accept a proposal
from a man I don't love

in order to manipulate people into voting for me?

"Bad." Such a nebulous word, isn't it?

You know what I think?
I think everyone wants something.

William wants you.

Why?
Because he has this idea in his head Of what you are.

I don't think he cares if it's true or not,

just so long as he keeps his fantasy alive.

So I think he deserves what he gets.

He deserves to be miserable?
Why not?

You are, aren't you?

Despite your newfound fame and adulation?

Tweedy,

I sometimes feel like you're the only person
in the whole world

who really gets me.

Yeah.

Sometimes, I look at you, and I see my own reflection.

It's revolting.

And attractive.

Martin,

I'm not physically attracted to other people,
but if you want me,

I'm yours.

The problem is I find that, whenever
I become intimately involved

with a woman I admire,

it rapidly degenerates into mutual loathing.

I don't want that to happen to us.

Having said that...

Omer, are you okay?

Great. Great. Just a little nervous, I guess.

I just feel confused.
About what?

About this country.
(CHUCKLES)

You know, there are so many nice people here,

but it does so much harm in the world.

So?

So... Soto what degree is this
country culpable for its actions?

Are Americans to blame for America? And beyond that,

can causing someone else to suffer

ever truly ease one's own suffering?

Omer! You're wigging out.
That bitch deserves to suffer!

What bitch?

Sally! Who are you talking about?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Fifteen minutes, Omer.

(DOOR CLOSES)
(SIGHING)

Well, see, I think the dress works cause it flows nice.

The dress is gonna be a hit.

Hey, I'm gonna go run lines with Sally.

Well, don't be long.
WILLIE: Okay.

Yeah.

Mr. President, it's such an honor to have you here.

Happy to be here.
Oh!

Whoa.

"Press here to explode yourself."

Where's Martin? Where the hell is Martin?
Has anybody seen Martin?

He's in there.

What the hell is he doing in there?

What are you doing? This isn't pretty.

What?

That's Sally and Mr. Tweed?
Yep.

Are you seeing anybody?
What?

It looks so much bigger on TV.

Hey, watch my foot, huh?

So do you feel filthy?
Not really.

How do you feel?

It's weird.

I don't actually loathe you. You, either.

(SIGHS)

(KISSES)

Right. The President here yet?

WARM-UP ENTERTAINER:
Yeah! How you doing, everybody?

How many Omer fans do I have with me tonight?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Yeah!

And how many Sally fans do I have?
She can hear you in the back!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

ANNOUNCER: And now your host, Martin Tweed!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

That's Martin Tweed.

Welcome, America.

Welcome, world. Welcome, everyone else.

Boo! (CHUCKLES)
AUDIENCE: Boo!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

We've been through so much together.

We've laughed. We've cried. We've formed attachments.

And now, we’re down to just two.

And to help me help you judge tonight,

we’re welcoming a very special guest.

The President of this great country,

President Joseph Staton!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Thanks for having me on your show.

SO...

What do you think of these two great contestants,
Mr. President?

I think they exhibit what's best about America.

The spirit of resolve... The spirit of resolve

that makes this the greatest country in the world.

They know what they want...

They know what they want, and they go out and get it.

All right.

I'll be right back!

Omer! Where are you going?

(STATIC BUZZING)

Where's that interference coming from?

Turn that frigging thing off!

And turn that frigging thing off!

Oh!

Okay. Okay.

America, Mr. President,

without further ado, let me introduce America's
favorite Middle Eastern import,

Omer Obeidi!

Where the hell is he?

I don't know where he is... I'm going on!

(STATIC BUZZING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

GO, Omer!

My wife loves this guy.

(SINGING)
And now the end is near

That's a bad call. That's Frank's song.

People aren't gonna respond to that.

Bold choice of song.

OMER: (SINGING)
My friends

I’ll say it clear

I’ll state my case

Of which I'm certain

I’ve lived a life that's full

I’ve traveled each

And every highway

But more, much more than this

(STATIC BUZZING)

I did it

My way

I’ve loved I’ve laughed and cried

I’ve had my fill

Mr. President, what are you doing?

OMER: (SINGING)
My share oflosing

OMER: (SINGING)
And now, as tears subside

I find it all

So amusing

To think

I did all that

And may I say

Not in a shy way

Oh, no

Oh, no, not me

I did it

My way

For what is a man?

What has he got?

If not himself

Then he has naught

William Williams, you're a moron.

A moron. Stupid moron! Stupid moron!

OMER: (SINGING)
And not the words

Of one who kneels

The record shows

I took the blows

And did it

My way

(ALL CHEERING)

I love you, Mom.

He nailed it!

That's my cousin!

(STATIC BUZZING)

We're gonna stand up.

Omer, meet the President.

OMER: Nice to meet you, sir.

He's talking to him.

Uh, what'd you think of Omer tonight,
Mr. President?

What did I think? Um...

Um...

Mr. President?

What did I think?

Mr. President? Can you read me?

Ithink

Iliked you.

Thank you, sir.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

GO ahead.

Do it!

And Ijust want to say,

in terms of the Middle East,

that it looks like the problems over there
are never going to be solved.

What?

I mean never.

Never, never, never, never, never.

And so

I'm sorry about that.

What the hell was that? I never said that!

Oh, Poopie.

Mr. President?

I deeply hope,

for all of our sakes,

that you are wrong.

I hope so, too.

Nice singing.

WeII... (CHUCKLES)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING TEPIDLY)

On a brighter note,

we'll be back after a short break
with the enchanting Sally Kendoo.

And then you all will decide who is the winner of
American Dreamz.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

That's it! Show is over!

What are you talking about?
There's another contestant.

Sorry, I'm taking my guy out!

Your guy! Your guyjust went way off reservation!

Talk about depressing. Half the
audience want to shoot themselves!

And you, Sir, are no Oprah!

I'd kind of like to see how Sally does.

All right, you. Where is the you-know-what?

STAGE MANAGER:
And we're back in three, two.

Get off the stage!
Get off the stage!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

STAGE MANAGER: We're back!

And now all the way from Padookie, Ohio,

America's newest sweetheart, Sally Kendoo!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Where the hell is William? He's supposed to be up here.

(SIGHS)
I would like to dedicate this song

to someone very special in the audience,

my boyfriend.
(CHUCKLES)

William Williams!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

What? No!

No, he's supposed to propose after she Sings!

He's an idiot!
Yeah.

Excuse me a moment. This moron's missed his cue.

Let's all welcome Sally's sweetheart.

Decorated war veteran, William Williams!

I think, perhaps, William has
something he wants to ask Sally.

Sally?

Yes, William?

How could you do this to me?

How could I do what to you?

How could you sleep with Mr. Tweed?

(AUDIENCE GASPING)

Whoa!

Boo!
AUDIENCE: Boo!

I'm serious.

Well, seriously, William,

I think it's common knowledge
Iwould never ever, ever, ever

sleep with a contestant on American Dreamz.

I saw you through the keyhole.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

He nailed her.

I guess you two think I'm stupid.

I guess you all think I'm stupid.

Well, I'll show you how stupid I am.

I'm going to blow myself up with this bomb I found.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

William, don't joke around about something like that.

Oh, I am not joking!

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

What the fuck?

Great idea! On-air proposal, Chet Krogl!

Keep rolling! Keep rolling!

Get back to your camera! Get back to your camera!

Come back! Come back!

MARTIN:
Get back to that camera!

Oh, no.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

Mr. Williams?

Mr. Williams, do not do this. It is not worth it.

Your death will not solve any problems.

It'll solve the problem of me feeling miserable.

William? I'm the President.

(GASPS)

I know who you are, sir.

Now, as your Commander and Chief,

I'm gonna have to ask you not to blow yourself up.

Now, I've had dark days myself, William.

Days where Ijust wanted to lie in bed and dream.

Never get up.

But I have come to think

that it is better to deal with
reality,

no matter how unpleasant it is.

That's my guy.

No disrespect, sir,

but if I can't have Sally Kendoo,

then I don't want to go on living.

(AUDIENCE CLAMORING)

William, wait...

Stay there! Stay there!

(SINGING) My American dream

Will come true for me

My American dream

For all to see

William! In here.

Every woman and man

Has their own destiny

To dream American Dreamz

Dreamz with a Z

To dream American Dreamz

Dreamz with a Z

(MOUTHING)

To dream American Dreamz

Dreamz with a Z

(BOMB ACTIVATING)

(EXPLOSION)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

What happened?

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

Yes! Yes! Yes!

You won this thing. You won it.

SHAZZY:
Where are you going?

Listen, those three gentlemen right there.

They were the ones with the bombs.

You see? Back there, those three.
They were the ones with the bomb.

AGENT: Go!

(SIREN BLARING)

Mr. President! Stop! Stop! Stop!

All right, everyone, please. Please, shut up.

It's starting.

SALLY: Last season's finale was the
highest-rated show in television history,

as my boyfriend, William Williams,

suffering from hallucinations
caused by posttraumatic stress

tragically lost his life.

There was a silver lining, though,

as he was voted the surprise
winner of American Dreamz.

I know he would have been so thrilled.

Fellow runner-up, Omer Obeidi,

has been touring the country with
a repertory of Broadway hits.

(SINGING)
Go, Greased Lightning

You're burning up the quarter mile

CHORUS: Greased Lighting Go, Greased Lighting

IQBAL: Stop! Stop! Stop!

This isn't a hoedown!

SALLY: Special guest judge, President Staton,

recently returned from a Mid-East fact-finding tour

with his new Chief of Staff.

You choose first, Poopie.

(SIGHS)

I guess I'll go for the newspapers first.

You take the intelligence reports
and summit briefing,

and then we‘ll switch.

SALLY: And I have some pretty big shoes to fill.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Welcome!

Welcome back to another season of American Dreamz.

I am so excited to be your new host. It's such
a dream come true for me.

And I'd like to dedicate this season to someone
who was very special to us all.

The great Mr. Martin Tweed.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

We will miss you so very much.

But now, on to an exciting new season!

And here are your dreamers!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

("DREAMS WITH A Z" PLAYING)

("GIRL LET'S NOT BE FRIENDS"
PLAYING)

("ROCKIN' MAN" PLAYING)

("NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE"
PLAYING)

("LEZ GIT RAUNCHY" PLAYING)

("MOMMY DON'T DRINK ME
TO BED TONIGHT" PLAYING)