All language subtitles for Blonds have more fun USAC

A magnificent city. A paradise. Who
could ask for more?

I, who have lived in all the great
cities of the world, Paris, Moscow,

paused between my trammels to rest and
enjoy the splendors of the city by the

bay. When I arrived, I thought perhaps I
might indulge my business acumen in a

little project.

I, who have dined on oysters with the
Rockefellers and shared ooze -oo with

Agnews, I, who once lost half my thumb
to Julia Child, decided to put together

little empire of international health
food stores.

Oh, but first, allow me to introduce
myself.

No, no, not him. Over here.

Well, don't look so askance. Haven't you
ever seen anyone down on that block

before? My last enterprise went badly.
Insurance.

We sold the pregnancy policies to senior
citizens.

You'd be surprised how prolific those
old bunnies get.

That's the only thing they do with their
spare time.

We went broke.

Everybody makes mistakes.

But this time, this time, I was going to
make it big.

All I needed was my old buddy, Professor
Brains, to join me, and the entire

world and its fortune would be ours.

I hadn't seen Brains in a while.

Not since we put together the Heavenly
Reward Chain Letter Project.

Oh, I knew he would be thrilled to see
me.

He always loved me like a brother. At
last, I spotted him.

At first, it appeared he had mistaken me
for someone else. But after seeing

clearly that it was me, he ran to me.

and threw his arms around me and
wouldn't let me go. And it was truly

heartwarming to feel the love he had for
me.

I was truly touched.

I confided in him about my plans to make
us both millionaires by opening the

first of many magic health food stores
right here in San Francisco.

He begged to assist me, as I knew he
would.

I assured him that I had a top spot for
him in the organization as chief

chemist. He would make the medicinal
drugs and I would sell them. I knew

would be perfect for the job.

Actually, I didn't care if he created
bottled water.

I knew I could make people believe
anything could cure them. And believing

nine -tenths the cure.

I leased an old, distinguished -looking
building.

and set to work right away.

Susie, help me with this. What has 11
letters, starts with an A, and is used

make you more loving?

No, it's not aspirin.

Aspirin only has seven letters.

Besides, it doesn't make you more
loving.

I sure wish something exciting would
happen to me.

Maybe we could go shopping.

I haven't bought anything in days.

I sure could use some new shoes.

I'm so bored.

Let's go out and do something.

I'm not doing anything now.

And I can pick you up in ten minutes. I
wish I could go with you, Mimi.

But I've got a date.

You should see him.

He's gorgeous.

He's here now.

Bye.

Hi. Oh, my.

You look good enough to eat. Go right
ahead.

Maybe after dessert. Okay.

Having trouble with your body energy?

Not enough juice? Too much juice?

Get yourself into top shape naturally.

Join people who treat themselves well at
the Magical Health Market's grand

opening all this coming week. Don't let
that sluggish, run -down feeling ruin

your fun.

Pick yourself up at the Magical Health
Market.

Hurry, everybody, hurry.

We open tomorrow morning.

Oh, my God.

I almost forgot.

I'd better check up on Brains.

We don't have our most important product
yet.

Brains, don't get so involved in this
thing. We got to open tomorrow.

Hey.

I really think she's a chemist.

Hurry up, will you? Hurry up.

That's terrific.

Hey, what do you say, Brains? How about
adding a little color, huh?

I was just joking.

Easy, easy, Brains. I wouldn't think of
interfering with your work.

But we've got to open tomorrow. We need
this product ready for tomorrow, Brains.

You promised.

He's gone mad.

Jack, that was so nice. I wasn't
expecting a movie after dinner.

It was great, wasn't it? Boy, that
monster was really big.

I bet yours is bigger.

What are you doing?

Oh, nothing.

Maybe you'd like to look before you
leap.

You know, kind of like a sneak preview.

So that you know what you're getting
into.

And believe me, it's all USDA top fresh
American female.

What's the matter? Aren't I good enough
for you?

I bet you got a little excited, didn't
you?

Oh!

Oh, I guess you really were excited,
weren't you?

Now you know my problem.

It's just too sensitive.

And even if I get a little turned on, it
goes off and then it's too soft to do

anything with.

It happens all the time and it's really
frustrating.

Don't worry about it, Jack.

I just like being with you.

You're such a great looking guy.

It gets me a little turned on.

Would you mind if I played with myself?

Oh, please go right ahead.

Thank you.

That was really great.

I just wish there was some way I could
control myself so that we could do that

together.

Don't worry about it, Jack.

I'm sure that we can figure something
out.

Why, Walter, what a surprise.

The last time we met, you were as bald
as an eagle.

Now look at you. What a full head of
hair.

Where did you get that beautiful wig?

Okay, talent, cut the rehearsal. We're
going live in five seconds.

Four, three, two, and... Why, Walter,
what a surprise.

Last time we met, you were as bald as an
eagle. Now look at you. What a full

head of hair.

Where did you get that beautiful wig?

That's no wig, Beatrice. That's all my
real hair.

Thanks to PQM2, the latest, greatest
medicine I've ever tried.

PQM2 will put the hair back on your head
and romance back in your life.

PQM2. Available only at the Magical
Health Market.

Supply is limited. First come, first
serve. Hurry on down to MHM's grand

opening. Get PQM2 today while it lasts.

And surprise someone tomorrow.

What a head of male hair.

You know, Walter, I never realized how
attractive you really are.

I could go for someone like you.

And cut.

Excellent. Excellent. Thank you. See you
later.

I wonder what this stuff really does.

I don't know.

Here, you know, I heard that this was
from the first batch of a new secret

formula right out of the laboratory.

I'm going to try it.

Not bad.

Try some.

Okay.

Well,

we'll see.

Yep.

Not so intense.

Not so intense. A little milder, huh?

Welcome to the grand opening of the
magical health market.

Come right in.

And find the cures for your problems.

That was wonderful, my dear. Yes, that's
it.

Come right in. Come right in. Welcome to
the grand opening of the magical health

market. Yes, indeed.

How do you do there, sir?

What's the matter? A little wobbly in
the old pegs there today, huh? Hmm. What

seems to be troubling you today? Arms,
legs, anything in between?

You can tell old Herb about it? Yeah.
Listen, listen.

What is it?

Birds.

Oh.

Birds? That's your problem? Birds, huh?
No, I can't get rid of them. Oh, yes.

Look at this.

Oh, yes. Would you clean that off for
me? Thank you so much. Yes, birds, huh?

Have you had this problem for long, my
friend? A long time. I see. Well, it

so happens, my friend, that our special
elixir was just the thing invented to

cure you of your problem of birds.

Why? Do you happen to recall the great
bird epidemic of Greenland in 1968, eh?

I didn't think so. Well, let me tell you
all about it. In any case...

We had to send plane loads of our
special magic form of PQM2 to Greenland.

Why, my friend, one spoonful of this
after one spoonful only, you won't even

know how to spell birds.

Oh, yes, madam, how do you do?

Herbert C. Abernathy at your service.
What can I do for you, madam?

I need something for my dog.

Your dog? What seems to be wrong with
your dog?

He has headaches.

Well, how do you know that your dog has
headaches, madam?

He's irritable all the time.

Oh, irritability in dogs. Yes, that's a
sure sign of headaches.

Well, certainly.

I'll tell you what. Can you wait just a
moment while I bring up this man's

purchase, and I'll be right with you.
Now, don't go away, you cutie pie.

Yes, sir. Thank you very much. That'll
be, let's see, $9 .99

plus tax. That'll be a grand total of
$10 .77.

1077.

That'll be just fine, sir. Have a nice
day. Watch out for those birds. They fly

kind of low.

Bye -bye.

Oh, yes.

I almost forgot about you. Now, what
were you saying about little dog's

headaches? Do you have any of that PQM2?

Oh, no.

Oh, I can see you have a real problem,
sir.

I'm dreadfully sorry.

I didn't mean for this to happen.

Oh, this will never come clean.

Never mind, I'll finish it.

Just don't look at me like that again,
okay?

Boy, I hope this PQM2 stops all this.

No, I didn't mean it, honest.

But you are cute.

God, this is the slowest day in history.

Well, sometimes the juices just don't
flow, baby.

It's really too hard when your living
depends on it.

Okay,

okay. Hello, hello.

I'm ready.

Hey, more birds here, right?

Just you.

Oh,

I'm ready for action. All right,
Superman.

All right, we can tell you're a male.

These are our girls.

This is Star.

Hello.

And this is Brenda.

They will be more than happy to
accommodate you for anything you might

Both beautiful and ready, willing, and
able.

How about you?

I'm the madam, dear.

I'm not prejudiced.

I'll start with you, but don't you two
go away, because I got a lot to read

Man, I'm ready to go.

Come on.

Looks like a tit rubber to me.

Probably won't get it up. He'll be back
in five minutes.

Come on, Miss Bigfoot.

No. No birds in there, is there?

None but you.

Okay.

That's it?

Yeah.

That's your mom?

Yeah, that's her.

Keep these up.

You want those up, huh? Yeah.

Birds.

Birds.

Birds. Birds.

Birds.

And do you know, madam, that not only
did they forget all about their

those little doggies didn't even know
they had heads!

This is just the thing for you.

Hey!

Wait just a minute.

Excuse me, just a second. Didn't you
just tell that old man you could get rid

his birds?

Well, yes, I did mention something about
birds.

Didn't you just tell this old lady you
could help her dog get rid of her

headaches? Well, I seem to recall
mentioning something about getting rid

dog's headaches, yes. Why do you ask?

I don't know what you're trying to pull
here, but obviously you can't get rid of

both of their problems.

Well, young man, just settle down, hold
your horses, I can explain everything.

Why, don't you realize that our PQM2 has
been scientifically formulated by the

world's foremost authority on health
medicine himself?

That would be Dr.

Otto Bruckmeier.

In just a few moments, I will
scientifically demonstrate to you for

complete satisfaction or your money,
cheers.

The amazing properties of PQM2.

Me put you on, ha, rubbish. But first, I
will need a volunteer.

Well, before we have our volunteer, I
would like to introduce to you our

laboratory assistant, the charming Dr.

Wendy Wilson.

She will be assisting us in the
following demonstration.

For which, of course, we do need our
volunteer.

I said I needed a volunteer.

Someone who's dying, perhaps.

Who's this?

Stand back. Give him air.

My nerve. My nerve.

Oh, look.

Oh, quick. Doctor. Doctor, he's fainted.
We must revive him. Some PQM2. In just

a few seconds, ladies and gentlemen,
you'll see the magical properties of

special elixir by Dr. Otto Brummeister.

Yes. Did you give him enough? Yes. Okay.

Now, in just a few moments, you'll be
able to see.

We're fighting. Thanks.

It'll almost be.

I want you.

No.

No, get away from me.

Hey,

that guy's really turned on.

I want some of that. I'll take some of
that.

That's plenty for everyone here.

That'll be $9 .99.

Oh, don't worry about your change.
That'll be fine. Yeah, yes, that's fine.

plenty for you, too. Would you like
some? Thank you so much.

Thank you very much. Just leave your
money here. Oh, madam, I almost forgot

about you. Yes.

You're a little doggy, don't you?

Back for you.

I'm afraid we're a little short here,
madam. That's an extra large bubble.

Do you have another $5? Oh, yes, you do.
Yes.

Make sure you say hello to the nice
little canine. Call me, will you,

Thank you so much, madam. And have a
nice day.

Goodbye. Watch yourself on the way out.
Don't fall.

Wendy, you can tell old Brains he can
knock it off now.

Boy, that sure was a great idea old
Brains had.

Brains, stop that.

Mr. Abernathy said all the customers are
gone.

Mr. Abernathy, Mr.

Abernathy, come back here quick.

There's something wrong.

There's something wrong with Brains.
Something wrong with Brains? How can

be something wrong with Brains? There's
never anything right with Brains.

I don't believe it.

Oh, Wendy, you poor child.

Help her to stop this.

Hey, Brains.

Brains, cut it out, huh?

Brains, is your old pal Herb talking to
you?

Brains, you can stop the play acting
now.

Brains, do you hear me? Do you hear me?

Oh, terrific.

Terrific? Him?

Terrific? What the hell does he know?

Mr. Abernathy, did you say sex?

Is this what sex looks like?

Sex? No, no, no. This is not sex.

No.

Brains, cut it out, will you? Cut it
out. Look, I know she's a beautiful

but we've got our magic potion to
produce. And Wendy's here.

Wendy's here. Just think what you're
doing to this poor kid's mind.

Don't stop.

Oh, gosh, Brains, you look wonderful
doing that.

So that is what sex looks like. Brains.

Brains, what did you put into that
special elixir of yours?

We're going to be rich.

We're going to be rich.

Is it possible that Brains has
accidentally created a love potion that

Hey, if Brains is this turned on, and he
obviously is,

He has created the perfect aphrodisiac.

Wendy, we're going to be rich.

Would you like to kiss me, Mr.
Abernathy?

Me? What they're doing sure looks good.

Oh, no, honey.

I never do anything like that. No, no,
no, no. That's not real sex anyway.

Hey, listen, honey. As long as there are
chumps out there with bucks to spend.

Me do that?

No. Come on. Come on, Wendy. We've got
to get back to work.

Oh. Oh.

Going to Berkeley?

Isn't that a great film, baby?

I don't know. I thought it was pretty
boring myself.

Would you like a little wine?

I don't care.

Bye.

I just came.

Oh, please. I need you inside of me.

Oh, I'm going to need some time.

No, please. Right now.

Oh, but I just came. Please. Come on.

Come here. It's going to take time. No.
Come on. You can do it. Come on.

Oh,

kids, five seconds, and you're on live.

Four, three, two, and... Why, Walter,
what a surprise.

The last time we met, you were as bald
as an eagle.

Now look at you.

What a full head of hair.

Where did you get this beautiful wig?

That's no wig, Beatrice. That's my real
hair.

Haven't you heard of PQM2?

It's the latest, the greatest. Restores
natural vigor wherever you need it.

Guaranteed to perform miracles, PQM2 is
available only at the Magical Health

Market. Supply is limited to those with
cash, so hurry down now during MHM's

grand opening.

Get PQM2 today.

And surprise someone tomorrow.

What a head of male hair.

You know, Walter, I never realized how
attractive you really are.

A thing of beauty. Fantastic. Take a
five -minute break, all right?

I could even go for someone like you.

Oh.

Okay, kids, we're going live in 20
seconds.

Jesus Christ.

Hey, we're going live. You got 10
seconds.

She's sucking him off.

You're on live in 4, 3, 2.

You're on.

Why, Walter, what a surprise.

The last time we met, you were bald as
an eagle.

Now look at you.

God, you're still here?

I thought you were gone hours ago.

Stand up.

Here,

sit up there. Let me see you play with
yourself.

Are you a star?

Oh, yeah.

Say I'm a star.

Well,

I hope this stuff works.

Doesn't taste too bad.

Here goes.

I can't believe it. It's not coming.

Oh, I'm so happy for you.

Can I have some of this?

Can I have some of this?

This is great.

Oh, Susie, that's almost...

I

can't

believe it's really not coming.

What are you doing?

Oh, yeah.

Look at the baby.

Oh, come here.

Come here. Sit down.

I'm going to take advantage of this.

I knew I was missing something.

Oh, come on.

Yeah.

Susie, you are terrific, baby.

Oh, yeah.

Susie, you're great, baby.

Love it.

That's so good.

Come here, let me try this.

Stand with me over there.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you have a nice voice.

Let me get it getting wet.

Got this already getting wet.

Oh, yeah.

This is great.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

That feels so good.

Is that good to you, baby?

Yeah. Mm -hmm.

Come on, shake your ass just a little
bit. Yeah, like that. Mm -hmm.

Is that good?

It's terrific.

Come on, shake it some more. Shake it
harder. Come on, wiggle it. You know you

can do it.

Oh, you're doing it.

Ooh.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Mm -hmm.

Oh, I think it's coming.

Yeah.

Oh,

my.

It's too hard.

Look at that.

I'd love to.

I believe it.

Yeah.

Is that on?

Oh, yes.

Damn, Susie, you sure do that nice.

God damn.

Oh, yeah, baby.

I think it's going to come again.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh my God.

Oh.

Oh.

Did you look at that?

It's coming again.

God, this is pretty.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Still some in there.

Thank you.

And I want you to really...

Let's do it again.

I want you to fuck me again.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Yes.

Oh, forget it. Oh, I can't. Come here.
I've

had enough.

I don't want to fuck. It's been so long.

What? I don't want to fuck.

I'll pay you more money.

Hey, baby, come on. Let's try it one
more time, okay?

We've been fucking all night.

I just can't do it anymore.

I know, I know, I know, but I still got
a hard -on.

And from San Francisco, we have an
amazing story early this morning about a

potion. Yes, it seems that a small
neighborhood health food store called...

Where the hell are you throwing it?
...Magical Health Market... began

distributing a special elixir called
PQM2 two days ago. Since then,

there have been reports of individuals
running wild in the streets who just

cannot control their sexual urges.

Authorities have begun searching for an
antidote. But, as of this moment, there

is evidently no way to stop lovemaking
if you have been exposed to PQM2.

They caution people to stay away from
anyone looking unusually eager for love.

The word this morning from San
Francisco. The city of love struck by an

of love brought on by a love potion.

Hard to believe, isn't it?

Well, that's the way it is from San
Francisco.

And come right in. Step right up. Yeah,
don't push. Don't pout. Right over here,

sir. Yes, sir.

There you have it.

Guaranteed, my friend. You'll be asked.

You won't believe how... Step right up.
Oh, yes. Do you have your money all set?

That's it. That's it. Yes.

Right over here. Yes, sir. We'll take
care of you. How many would you like?

one today.

Well... I've got two.

Oh, really? Thank you. Have a nice time.
Step right up over there. Oh, yes. I

can take care of you.

Is it really good stuff?

Send your friends in.

How are you doing? Good to meet you.

Is it working out for you?

Oh, that's good.

Come on back next week. We'll have
plenty more.

Where's the rest of the team, honey?

Well, folks, this is it.

The very last bottle of P -U -M -2.

Don't worry.

There'll be plenty tomorrow.

Now, who wants this?

$30. $30 for your sick child?

$40. My grandma was real sick.

$50.

$50? $60?

$65.

Hey, wait. Now, wait just a minute. Just
a minute. I don't think it's even legal

for us to be bidding on merchandise like
this.

Do I hear $100? $100. Here we go. Do I
hear $110?

$110? Ah, $110. How about $120? Just a
minute. Yes? We girls have pooled our

money together here.

We'll give you $200.

$200. Ladies and gentlemen, did you hear
that?

$200 for the very last bottle of PQM2.

$200 going once. $200 going twice.

Sold to these three beautiful ladies for
$200.

That's all right. Don't be disappointed.

Come on back tomorrow. We'll have...

Plenty more PQM, too, for bargain
prices.

Wendy, look.

$200. Honey, we've made enough money
today to retire.

Oh, that would be great, Mr. Abernathy.

You know something, honey?

I'm getting a little worried. I mean,
people are starting to get turned on

here in the store, you know?

My biggest problem right now, Wendy, is
finding an antidote.

How much do you think I could get for an
antidote?

Hello? Yeah, hi Brains.

the hell are you doing in New York?

You what?

You've taken a room at Plato's retreat.

Blaze, what the hell do you know about
philosophy?

Get back here. I've got to find an
antidote. I'm in trouble.

Hurry!

Oh.

We're sorry. There is no antidote. Our
researchers are working around the clock

and hope to find one soon. Thanks for
calling MHM.

This is hopeless.

Wendy, what am I getting myself into?

I've got to find an antidote.

We're sorry.

There is no antidote. Our researchers
are working around the clock.

Ah. Ah.

Ah.

Ah. Ah.

Oh.

Oh, God.

It's your turn.

Oh, no, it's not.

Hey, look, this is my joint, and you
haven't even paid yet.

You can't even begin to pay for all
you've had. Now get your clothes

and get out of here. Hey, I got enough
money to pay for this. Look, it's my...

Hey, trust me for a minute, would you
please?

Would you please?

Why don't you have a drink of this?

I'll take a drink first.

What is it?

It's PQM2.

Give me...

Try it. I mean, it'll make you feel real
good. Just try it.

See, I drank some of it. It's all right.

Please.

Come on, it's not that bad. Go ahead.

Wow, what is this stuff? I said it's
PQM2. It's elixir.

Elixir, huh?

See, it makes you good.

It makes you feel good, huh? It feels
better the second time. Yeah?

What a challenging attitude.

Love potion.

I'm gonna give that a piece of my mind

Are you responsible for PQM2?

Listen, do you know what's been going on
at this whorehouse?

This guy has been fucking us all night
long, and I'm exhausted.

I want an antidote.

Gosh, I'm really sorry to hear all that.
Our researchers are working around the

clock and hope to find an antidote soon.

There's no need to give up hope.

preoccupied out there.

How's it going here?

Nothing. Nothing.

I can't find an antidote without brains.

I wish he didn't get trapped in the body
of that super -thead.

Probably will die here.

Yeah, shoot, baby. What is it?

Do you like me? Huh? Just a little.

Yeah, sure.

Sure, I like you.

You're terrific.

Through this whole stupid mess, you've
been just beautiful. You're a real pro,

kid.

Will you look at me, Herb?

What?

Do you like what you see?

Yeah, so what?

You are so dense.

Look what you did now. You made me lose
count.

I can start all over again.

One, two, three, four.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah.

We interrupt this program to bring you a
special announcement.

A literal sexual epidemic has taken over
the city of San Francisco.

KBNK reporters have phoned in on -the
-spot stories of couples copulating in

such diverse places as on a cable car
running board, in a Golden Gate Bridge

toll booth, and in the no -smoking area
of the Natural Sciences Room at the

Public Library.

When reporters were asked for pictures
to substantiate their stories, they said

they would be forthcoming.

That was several days ago.

Subsequent telephone conversations with
these same reporters consisted of

incoherent, garbled words broken up by
soft, soulful moans, heavy breathing,

one remarkably tender sigh.

Update on an earlier story.

The old lady, whom we reported had
refused to leave the men's room at

in South San Francisco, has now offered
to leave the premises.

if she can be guaranteed the chance to
go through the sexual initiation

for membership in the local chapter of
the Hell's Angels.

And word out of Washington has it that
the president has decided to make a trip

to San Francisco to make an unscheduled
speech on foreign policy.

The president indicated he had decided
to deliver his speech at an appropriate

location, such as on a cable car, at the
Golden Gate Bridge, or in the public

library. He said the First Lady would
not be with him on this trip.

Meanwhile, the First Lady's office has
issued a statement that she has decided

to leave for San Francisco today as part
of her tree -planting program.

When asked where she intended to have
the tree -planting ceremony, she said it

would be somewhere special, such as on a
cable car, on the Golden Gate Bridge,

or in the public library.

That concludes our special broadcast.

Now back to our regularly scheduled
program.

Before leaving you...

I would like to remind listeners that
KBNK is offering two lifetime season

passes to all Oakland Raider football
games to anyone who can bring us a

of PQM2.

Or half a bottle.

Or even an empty bottle that hasn't been
washed out.

We will also kick in a free dinner for
two at every restaurant of your choice.

And I've just learned that our staff has
even offered to chip in a little money.

The combined monthly salaries of the
entire KBNK staff.

So, give us a break.

We try to bring you interesting,
exciting news stories.

How about a little PQM, too?

Don't make me beg.

Make me beg.

Thank you.