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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,408 As for Jay Cutler's knee, 2 00:00:01,431 --> 00:00:03,120 the M.R.I came back clear. 3 00:00:03,144 --> 00:00:04,450 Good news for The Bears, 4 00:00:04,497 --> 00:00:06,615 as he's expected to play this Sunday 5 00:00:06,649 --> 00:00:08,717 against Drew Brees and the Red-Hot Saints. 6 00:00:08,751 --> 00:00:10,419 Cutler says he feels good. 7 00:00:10,453 --> 00:00:11,820 The knee's not giving him any problems... 8 00:00:11,854 --> 00:00:13,455 Any word on Jay Cutler? 9 00:00:13,489 --> 00:00:16,458 - Pump says he's a go. - Oh yeah. 10 00:00:16,492 --> 00:00:17,893 Guess I should be glad they don't have porn 11 00:00:17,927 --> 00:00:18,994 on gas pump TV. 12 00:00:19,028 --> 00:00:20,562 Or we'd be here all afternoon. 13 00:00:20,596 --> 00:00:22,731 Let me tell you something about me, honey. 14 00:00:22,765 --> 00:00:23,765 The day that we as a civilization 15 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:25,067 get to the point 16 00:00:25,101 --> 00:00:26,568 where we're broadcasting pornography 17 00:00:26,602 --> 00:00:28,003 from televisions attached to gas pumps 18 00:00:28,037 --> 00:00:30,806 is the day I start working at a gas station. 19 00:00:32,875 --> 00:00:36,878 How much porn you watching these days? 20 00:00:36,913 --> 00:00:38,747 You mean, since we've been on break? 21 00:00:38,781 --> 00:00:41,483 - Yeah. - Why do you ask? 22 00:00:41,517 --> 00:00:43,484 Well, when my brother Donal and his girlfriend broke up, 23 00:00:43,519 --> 00:00:44,686 he was watching it all the time. 24 00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:45,754 Did I tell you that I walked in 25 00:00:45,788 --> 00:00:47,622 on him and his laptop in my parents' bathroom 26 00:00:47,622 --> 00:00:49,023 last Christmas? 27 00:00:49,092 --> 00:00:50,692 Twice. 28 00:00:50,727 --> 00:00:51,793 Donal's a moron. I'm not Donal. 29 00:00:51,828 --> 00:00:52,828 And you know what? 30 00:00:52,862 --> 00:00:53,895 And this is the truth here. 31 00:00:53,930 --> 00:00:55,030 Yeah? 32 00:00:55,064 --> 00:00:56,631 Kinda stopped watching it. 33 00:00:56,666 --> 00:00:58,366 - No, you didn't. - Yes, I did. 34 00:00:58,401 --> 00:01:01,570 I lost all interest in other girls. Completely. 35 00:01:01,604 --> 00:01:03,271 And porn. First time it's ever happened to me. 36 00:01:03,306 --> 00:01:05,273 I am so flattered. 37 00:01:05,308 --> 00:01:06,775 Babe, this is huge. 38 00:01:06,809 --> 00:01:08,343 Most guys, 39 00:01:08,377 --> 00:01:09,711 they get out of a long-term relationship, 40 00:01:09,746 --> 00:01:12,414 their porn addiction goes through the roof. 41 00:01:12,448 --> 00:01:14,983 Me, I went the other way. 42 00:01:15,017 --> 00:01:16,685 - You had an addiction? - What? 43 00:01:16,719 --> 00:01:19,287 You used the word "addiction." 44 00:01:19,322 --> 00:01:21,523 Yeah. About Donal. Not me. 45 00:01:21,557 --> 00:01:22,758 I stopped. Cold turkey. 46 00:01:22,792 --> 00:01:23,959 Uh, that didn't come out right. 47 00:01:23,993 --> 00:01:25,861 No, it didn't. 48 00:01:25,895 --> 00:01:27,896 What about you, smarty pants? 49 00:01:27,930 --> 00:01:29,297 What about me? 50 00:01:29,332 --> 00:01:31,299 You watch any porn? 51 00:01:31,334 --> 00:01:32,501 Come on. 52 00:01:32,535 --> 00:01:34,002 You know what porn is to me. 53 00:01:34,036 --> 00:01:36,738 It's real estate, shoes, and guns. 54 00:01:36,773 --> 00:01:38,006 If I could find a magazine 55 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:39,374 with glossy pictures of all three... 56 00:01:40,777 --> 00:01:42,077 That'd really get me off. 57 00:01:42,111 --> 00:01:43,645 What? 58 00:01:43,679 --> 00:01:45,914 - I'm thinkin'. - What about? 59 00:01:45,948 --> 00:01:48,350 - Starting a magazine. - Oh, my God. 60 00:02:08,094 --> 00:02:10,094 Sync & Corrections by Darcade - MY-SUBS.com - 61 00:02:12,708 --> 00:02:15,644 - Aw, shit. - What? 62 00:02:15,678 --> 00:02:17,712 My sister Maeve's stupid book club 63 00:02:17,712 --> 00:02:18,913 is tomorrow night. 64 00:02:18,913 --> 00:02:20,981 We're reading Gone Girl, and I haven't finished it yet. 65 00:02:21,083 --> 00:02:22,317 And then Billy sat on my iPad, 66 00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:25,220 which had my copy of Gone Girl on it. 67 00:02:25,354 --> 00:02:28,423 Well, here you go, use mine. 68 00:02:28,457 --> 00:02:30,659 - Really? - Sure. 69 00:02:30,693 --> 00:02:32,527 - Thanks. - No problem. 70 00:02:32,562 --> 00:02:33,795 Password is "Ditka." 71 00:02:33,830 --> 00:02:36,064 'Course it is. 72 00:02:36,098 --> 00:02:38,667 Looks great. 73 00:02:38,701 --> 00:02:41,570 - Thanks. - Whole place looks great. 74 00:02:41,604 --> 00:02:43,905 Yeah. New place, new start. 75 00:02:43,940 --> 00:02:46,941 Oh, I wanted you to have my spare key. 76 00:02:46,976 --> 00:02:49,477 - Oh, okay. - For emergencies. 77 00:02:49,512 --> 00:02:52,547 I don't want you to just walk in here unannounced. 78 00:02:52,582 --> 00:02:54,983 - I won't. - 'Cause you never know. 79 00:02:55,017 --> 00:02:56,751 Never know what? 80 00:02:56,786 --> 00:02:58,019 Who might be here? 81 00:02:58,054 --> 00:02:59,654 Who are you expecting? 82 00:02:59,689 --> 00:03:02,490 Technically, we are both still free to date. 83 00:03:02,525 --> 00:03:05,360 Hey, I gave up porn for you, remember. 84 00:03:08,397 --> 00:03:10,498 I'm late. Meeting the girls for lunch. 85 00:03:10,533 --> 00:03:11,900 You gotta go. 86 00:03:11,934 --> 00:03:13,468 Just for the record, 87 00:03:13,502 --> 00:03:15,136 you're not allowed to just drop by my place 88 00:03:15,170 --> 00:03:15,937 unannounced either. 89 00:03:15,972 --> 00:03:18,340 Oh, in case I walk in on you and Ditka? 90 00:03:18,374 --> 00:03:19,708 Oh, my God, if that ever happens, 91 00:03:19,742 --> 00:03:21,309 just start taking tons of pictures, okay? 92 00:03:21,343 --> 00:03:22,377 Go. 93 00:03:22,411 --> 00:03:23,979 - Bye. - Bye. 94 00:03:27,550 --> 00:03:29,017 How's he doin'? 95 00:03:29,051 --> 00:03:31,019 - He's conscious. - Blood sugar's at 30. 96 00:03:31,053 --> 00:03:33,388 - Give him one E.P. of D-50. - You're gonna be all right. 97 00:03:33,422 --> 00:03:34,623 They got the doctors on today. 98 00:03:34,657 --> 00:03:36,558 I... I need you to do something for me. 99 00:03:36,592 --> 00:03:38,460 - Sure, bro. Call your wife? - No, no, no, no. 100 00:03:38,494 --> 00:03:39,828 No, I need you to go back to my apartment, 101 00:03:39,862 --> 00:03:41,463 clear the history out of my computer, 102 00:03:41,497 --> 00:03:42,797 and then call my wife. 103 00:03:42,832 --> 00:03:44,299 - Seriously? - Please! Please! 104 00:03:44,333 --> 00:03:45,567 Yeah, okay. 105 00:03:45,601 --> 00:03:49,371 Okay. 106 00:03:51,574 --> 00:03:52,974 So what do you guys think it is? 107 00:03:53,009 --> 00:03:55,744 Like some surprise birthday thing for the wife? 108 00:03:55,778 --> 00:03:56,845 Or... oh, my God. 109 00:03:56,879 --> 00:03:57,846 You think he's having an affair? 110 00:03:57,880 --> 00:03:59,481 Yeah, with online porn. 111 00:03:59,515 --> 00:04:01,016 - Really? - It's always about porn, Bri. 112 00:04:01,050 --> 00:04:03,585 Why else would a guy that was on his deathbed 113 00:04:03,619 --> 00:04:05,487 ask three strangers to go to his house 114 00:04:05,521 --> 00:04:06,955 and erase his computer history? 115 00:04:06,989 --> 00:04:09,557 Or maybe he's a terrorist. Oh, my God! 116 00:04:09,592 --> 00:04:10,926 What if it's some kind of terrorist plot? 117 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:12,928 Maybe we should call the F.B.I. or the N.S.A. 118 00:04:12,962 --> 00:04:14,562 You know what the N.S.A. considers 119 00:04:14,597 --> 00:04:16,297 the first significant sign that you're part 120 00:04:16,331 --> 00:04:17,565 - of a terrorist plot? - What? 121 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:19,000 If you don't have porn on your computer. 122 00:04:19,035 --> 00:04:21,836 Well, then they're coming after me, I guess. 123 00:04:21,871 --> 00:04:24,306 You don't watch it? 124 00:04:24,340 --> 00:04:25,907 Not any more, no. I stopped. 125 00:04:25,942 --> 00:04:27,542 I found that free online porn 126 00:04:27,576 --> 00:04:30,011 was becoming a cancer in this country. 127 00:04:30,046 --> 00:04:32,614 The young men in my generation, in particular, 128 00:04:32,648 --> 00:04:34,983 were beginning to get unrealistic expectations 129 00:04:35,017 --> 00:04:38,787 about both women's bodies and sexual activity. 130 00:04:38,821 --> 00:04:41,990 I think it may have scarred an entire generation of men. 131 00:04:42,024 --> 00:04:44,626 So I decided to stop. 132 00:04:44,660 --> 00:04:48,396 And begin the healing process. 133 00:04:49,231 --> 00:04:50,265 Holy shit. 134 00:04:50,299 --> 00:04:52,066 Exactly how much time did you spend beating off? 135 00:04:53,102 --> 00:04:55,003 Um... 136 00:04:56,939 --> 00:04:59,741 Oh, there it is. 137 00:04:59,775 --> 00:05:01,309 Let's just hit clear history, 138 00:05:01,344 --> 00:05:02,677 erase his crap, and get the hell out of here. 139 00:05:02,712 --> 00:05:03,945 Even though he's a PC guy. 140 00:05:03,980 --> 00:05:06,381 My father's a PC guy, so... 141 00:05:06,415 --> 00:05:07,515 I can handle this. 142 00:05:07,550 --> 00:05:09,684 Just, uh, two clicks, 143 00:05:09,719 --> 00:05:11,653 and easy peasy. 144 00:05:11,687 --> 00:05:15,423 Here we go. 145 00:05:16,592 --> 00:05:17,859 Yeah, see? Told you. 146 00:05:17,893 --> 00:05:19,794 Okay, okay, you guys were right. 147 00:05:19,829 --> 00:05:22,564 I think we all know where this is going. 148 00:05:22,598 --> 00:05:24,666 Now here comes the... 149 00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:26,401 Oh! 150 00:05:34,043 --> 00:05:36,544 - It's loud! - It's so loud! 151 00:05:36,579 --> 00:05:39,381 Turn it off! 152 00:05:39,415 --> 00:05:40,382 End it! 153 00:06:01,144 --> 00:06:03,144 I don't blame you. 154 00:06:03,275 --> 00:06:05,243 I blame society. 155 00:06:05,277 --> 00:06:07,278 And that damn Internet. 156 00:06:07,313 --> 00:06:08,546 Hold on. 157 00:06:08,581 --> 00:06:12,250 I got somethin' might help you out. 158 00:06:14,019 --> 00:06:15,286 You think he has a special pill 159 00:06:15,321 --> 00:06:17,355 or a potion or something? 160 00:06:17,389 --> 00:06:19,557 - Brian, he's not Oz. - He's very wise. 161 00:06:19,592 --> 00:06:22,093 I think I may have to give up porn. 162 00:06:22,127 --> 00:06:23,895 Now, everybody, just let's not panic, okay? 163 00:06:23,929 --> 00:06:24,963 It was a horse. 164 00:06:24,997 --> 00:06:26,564 Having an orgasm. 165 00:06:26,599 --> 00:06:28,533 It's not the end of the world. 166 00:06:28,567 --> 00:06:30,067 Aah, maybe it is the end of the world. 167 00:06:30,102 --> 00:06:31,302 I can't stop seeing it. 168 00:06:31,337 --> 00:06:34,239 Did anyone else notice how blue the horse's eyes were? 169 00:06:34,273 --> 00:06:38,610 - What? - Just trying to help. 170 00:06:38,644 --> 00:06:42,981 Whenever I find myself engulfed 171 00:06:43,015 --> 00:06:45,216 in bothersome thoughts, 172 00:06:45,251 --> 00:06:48,620 I sit down and have me some pure heaven on earth. 173 00:06:48,654 --> 00:06:50,255 Go ahead, take a bite. 174 00:06:57,096 --> 00:07:00,398 I saw a lot of bad shit in Vietnam. 175 00:07:00,432 --> 00:07:02,100 But it's what I expected. 176 00:07:02,134 --> 00:07:05,069 War. And all its ugly parts. 177 00:07:05,104 --> 00:07:08,540 But one time, on this job... 178 00:07:08,574 --> 00:07:11,342 I done what you fools did. 179 00:07:11,377 --> 00:07:14,946 I stuck my nose in some place where it didn't belong. 180 00:07:14,980 --> 00:07:18,116 See, everybody's got a secret. 181 00:07:18,150 --> 00:07:20,585 So when you go in someone's home on a call, 182 00:07:20,619 --> 00:07:23,288 you wanna do what you're supposed to do. 183 00:07:23,322 --> 00:07:25,924 Save their ass, and get 'em in the rig! 184 00:07:25,958 --> 00:07:27,892 How's the candy? 185 00:07:27,927 --> 00:07:30,028 Delicious. 186 00:07:30,062 --> 00:07:32,430 Anyway, so one time I'm saving this woman 187 00:07:32,464 --> 00:07:34,365 called in a heart attack. 188 00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:37,068 She's laying on her apartment floor, 189 00:07:37,102 --> 00:07:39,037 and once I get her on the stretcher, 190 00:07:39,071 --> 00:07:42,507 I thought I heard a noise coming from her closet. 191 00:07:42,541 --> 00:07:45,209 She's like, "no, it's okay. 192 00:07:45,244 --> 00:07:48,212 It's just my cat." 193 00:07:48,247 --> 00:07:50,181 But it didn't sound like no cat. 194 00:07:50,215 --> 00:07:54,452 It sounded big. 195 00:07:54,486 --> 00:07:56,988 Real big. 196 00:07:57,022 --> 00:07:59,390 My curiosity got the best of me. 197 00:07:59,425 --> 00:08:02,126 And I opened up that door. 198 00:08:02,161 --> 00:08:03,361 And what I saw 199 00:08:03,395 --> 00:08:06,164 erased all four of those horrible years 200 00:08:06,198 --> 00:08:08,266 I served in Vietnam. 201 00:08:08,300 --> 00:08:13,538 Was it a Mokave King puma cat? 202 00:08:13,572 --> 00:08:17,008 They're the largest domestic breed. 203 00:08:17,042 --> 00:08:18,443 No. 204 00:08:18,477 --> 00:08:22,513 It was a 350-pound man. 205 00:08:22,548 --> 00:08:23,948 Naked. 206 00:08:23,983 --> 00:08:26,918 In a diaper. 207 00:08:26,952 --> 00:08:30,021 Not in a diaper 'cause he had intestinal issues. 208 00:08:30,055 --> 00:08:32,423 In a diaper because he wanted to be a baby. 209 00:08:32,458 --> 00:08:34,225 Again! 210 00:08:38,097 --> 00:08:40,965 - Still thinking about horses? - No. 211 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:42,367 I'm thinking about the world's largest case 212 00:08:42,401 --> 00:08:43,668 of diaper rash. 213 00:08:43,702 --> 00:08:45,670 See? It worked. 214 00:08:45,704 --> 00:08:48,306 The key to this business is minding your business. 215 00:08:48,340 --> 00:08:51,542 And keeping your minds out of the gutter. 216 00:08:51,577 --> 00:08:53,411 'Cause what you put in your head 217 00:08:53,445 --> 00:08:55,346 will stay in your head, Mousse. 218 00:08:55,381 --> 00:08:56,914 Why are you busting on me? 219 00:08:56,949 --> 00:08:58,316 How many times I catch you 220 00:08:58,350 --> 00:09:00,385 looking at that filth on your phone, boy? 221 00:09:00,419 --> 00:09:01,552 Yeah, man, what's the point? 222 00:09:01,587 --> 00:09:03,154 It's like porn on a thimble. 223 00:09:03,188 --> 00:09:04,788 Do you ever clear the history on that thing? 224 00:09:04,823 --> 00:09:05,556 Why? 225 00:09:05,591 --> 00:09:07,225 In case somebody takes a look at it. 226 00:09:07,259 --> 00:09:09,260 I don't watch filth on that thing anymore. 227 00:09:09,294 --> 00:09:10,895 I mostly use my iPad. 228 00:09:10,929 --> 00:09:13,264 Why would you want to watch porn on an iPad? 229 00:09:13,298 --> 00:09:14,932 Well, first of all, the resolution is amazing. 230 00:09:14,967 --> 00:09:17,468 And second, it's bigger... Oh, my God! 231 00:09:17,503 --> 00:09:19,437 - Theresa has my iPad! - So? She knows you watch porn. 232 00:09:19,471 --> 00:09:20,905 I told her I stopped. 233 00:09:20,939 --> 00:09:22,373 Why would you do that? That's idiotic. 234 00:09:22,407 --> 00:09:23,408 How long have you known me? 235 00:09:23,442 --> 00:09:25,109 Good point. Surprised it didn't happen sooner. 236 00:09:25,144 --> 00:09:26,178 How much time we lookin' at? 237 00:09:26,212 --> 00:09:27,746 She's having lunch with the girls and her sister. 238 00:09:27,780 --> 00:09:29,147 So we have a bit of a window. Which sister? 239 00:09:29,181 --> 00:09:29,848 Maeve. 240 00:09:30,282 --> 00:09:31,516 Oh, that's a pretty big window. 241 00:09:31,550 --> 00:09:33,752 Let's go. Okay. 242 00:09:34,486 --> 00:09:38,589 Did the giant baby have a giant rattle? 243 00:09:38,624 --> 00:09:41,459 - Brian! - Let's go! 244 00:09:47,332 --> 00:09:48,666 I don't get the whole 245 00:09:48,701 --> 00:09:50,301 mayonnaise-on-the- French-fry thing. 246 00:09:50,335 --> 00:09:51,569 Mm-mm. No. 247 00:09:51,603 --> 00:09:53,004 It's European. 248 00:09:53,038 --> 00:09:54,939 They do it all over Europe. 249 00:09:54,973 --> 00:09:56,607 It doesn't make you look classy. 250 00:09:56,642 --> 00:09:58,042 It's mayonnaise. 251 00:09:58,077 --> 00:09:59,277 - It's so chic. - No, it's not. 252 00:09:59,311 --> 00:10:01,679 - Yes, it is. - No, it's not. 253 00:10:01,714 --> 00:10:03,548 You know what else Europeans do that's creepy? 254 00:10:03,582 --> 00:10:05,016 They drink soda warm. 255 00:10:05,050 --> 00:10:06,551 - I love warm soda. - Since when? 256 00:10:06,585 --> 00:10:11,322 Since forever. 257 00:10:11,356 --> 00:10:12,957 Are you okay there, Stats? 258 00:10:12,991 --> 00:10:14,926 I can't find a bra that fits me right. 259 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:17,395 You guys are pretty well set up. How'd you do that? 260 00:10:17,429 --> 00:10:20,031 Lift yourself up, and then put yourself in the cup. 261 00:10:20,065 --> 00:10:22,333 Size up, size down, it's not that difficult. 262 00:10:22,367 --> 00:10:26,137 Not squashed. Lift it. 263 00:10:26,171 --> 00:10:27,939 You know what? 264 00:10:27,973 --> 00:10:29,507 We will all take you shopping after lunch. 265 00:10:29,541 --> 00:10:32,510 They love boobs in Europe. 266 00:10:32,544 --> 00:10:34,345 Awesome. 267 00:10:34,379 --> 00:10:38,116 Whoo-hoo! Huh? 268 00:10:43,388 --> 00:10:44,956 It's 12:30. 269 00:10:44,990 --> 00:10:46,524 Let's get the hell in there, get this thing, 270 00:10:46,558 --> 00:10:48,093 and get out. 271 00:10:49,428 --> 00:10:52,964 I'm just so thankful for Cash telling us that story. 272 00:10:52,998 --> 00:10:55,333 Really cleared my head. 273 00:10:55,367 --> 00:10:58,536 How big do you think that diaper was? 274 00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:01,172 - Hey, your shoe's untied. - Whup? Shoelace situation. 275 00:11:04,576 --> 00:11:07,512 Hey, guys. How's it going? 276 00:11:07,546 --> 00:11:10,181 Hey, Jimmy. You got transferred to mounted. 277 00:11:10,215 --> 00:11:11,616 No, no, requested it, you know? 278 00:11:11,650 --> 00:11:12,984 Chicks dig horses. 279 00:11:13,018 --> 00:11:14,919 So I hear. 280 00:11:14,953 --> 00:11:16,687 You wouldn't believe the pussy a horse can pull. 281 00:11:16,722 --> 00:11:18,156 Oh, yeah, I would. 282 00:11:18,190 --> 00:11:19,390 You gotta see the cock on this thing. 283 00:11:19,424 --> 00:11:20,824 It's like four Louisville Sluggers 284 00:11:20,859 --> 00:11:22,026 all duck-taped together. 285 00:11:22,060 --> 00:11:23,561 You guys got a couple minutes? 286 00:11:23,595 --> 00:11:25,396 'Cause usually if you just stand still long enough, 287 00:11:25,430 --> 00:11:26,964 it'll just get a random hard on. 288 00:11:26,999 --> 00:11:29,200 Actually, we're in a bit of a rush. 289 00:11:29,234 --> 00:11:31,002 We only got ten minutes for lunch. 290 00:11:31,036 --> 00:11:32,570 - Maybe next time. - Oh, yeah, okay, cool. 291 00:11:32,604 --> 00:11:34,438 Real cool, all right, well, give me a call sometime. 292 00:11:34,473 --> 00:11:38,142 We'll go to the track and hang. 293 00:11:38,177 --> 00:11:39,710 - Great. - Take it easy, guys. 294 00:11:39,745 --> 00:11:41,712 All right, Brian, let's go. 295 00:11:42,589 --> 00:11:43,789 Hello! Wake up! 296 00:11:51,425 --> 00:11:52,725 Go, go, go, go, go. 297 00:11:52,759 --> 00:11:57,063 Go, go, go, go, go. 298 00:11:57,097 --> 00:11:58,764 - Okay, where is it? - Shhh! 299 00:11:58,799 --> 00:12:01,100 - Nobody's home. - Shhh! 300 00:12:01,134 --> 00:12:02,735 She has a nosy neighbor who calls the cops 301 00:12:02,769 --> 00:12:03,769 at the drop of a hat. 302 00:12:03,804 --> 00:12:05,304 Okay, okay, okay. 303 00:12:05,339 --> 00:12:06,806 Look, this is how this is gonna go down. 304 00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:08,207 Brian, you take the front watch, 305 00:12:08,241 --> 00:12:09,842 and Johnny, you take the back watch. 306 00:12:09,877 --> 00:12:11,877 Why are you assigning quadrants? It's my girlfriend's house. 307 00:12:11,877 --> 00:12:13,677 I was in the military. I know how to assign quadrants 308 00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:14,847 in a spy mission situation. 309 00:12:14,881 --> 00:12:16,182 Now, look, Brian. 310 00:12:16,216 --> 00:12:17,516 You take the kitchen quadrant. 311 00:12:17,551 --> 00:12:18,818 I'm gonna take the bedroom quadrant. 312 00:12:18,852 --> 00:12:20,353 Brian, you take the living room quadrant. 313 00:12:20,387 --> 00:12:21,687 All right? Break. 314 00:12:21,722 --> 00:12:23,422 - That's only three quadrants. - What? 315 00:12:23,457 --> 00:12:24,523 Quadrants means four areas. 316 00:12:24,558 --> 00:12:25,558 You only assigned three. 317 00:12:25,592 --> 00:12:27,226 The prefix "quad" means "four." 318 00:12:27,260 --> 00:12:28,894 - Okay, forget the quadrants. - From the Latin. 319 00:12:28,928 --> 00:12:30,529 Forget the quadrants, okay? 320 00:12:30,564 --> 00:12:32,264 It'll be just an area, all right? 321 00:12:32,299 --> 00:12:33,733 Let's get the three goddamned areas. 322 00:12:33,767 --> 00:12:35,301 - I've made a decision! - Shhh! 323 00:12:35,335 --> 00:12:37,436 - I'm not whispering. - Keep your goddamn voice down. 324 00:12:39,306 --> 00:12:42,141 Is a psychopath. 325 00:12:46,413 --> 00:12:48,080 Your view? 326 00:12:48,115 --> 00:12:50,683 - All right. - Happy now? 327 00:12:50,717 --> 00:12:53,352 Okay, okay. 328 00:12:53,387 --> 00:12:54,687 Oh, my God. 329 00:12:54,721 --> 00:12:56,489 - What? - Theresa's computer. 330 00:12:56,523 --> 00:13:00,159 - Oh, don't do it, John. - Do you think it's wrong? 331 00:13:00,193 --> 00:13:03,629 Yes. Plus, I believe that it's in my quadrant. 332 00:13:03,663 --> 00:13:05,097 Look, no good can come from this. 333 00:13:05,132 --> 00:13:06,599 How bad could it be? 334 00:13:06,633 --> 00:13:08,134 Didn't we answer that question earlier today? 335 00:13:08,168 --> 00:13:09,602 Look, I know what Theresa's into. 336 00:13:09,636 --> 00:13:12,471 And it's not horses having sex, okay? 337 00:13:12,506 --> 00:13:13,672 It's real estate and guns. 338 00:13:13,707 --> 00:13:15,574 And shoes. 339 00:13:15,609 --> 00:13:21,147 And I guarantee that's exactly what we're about to see. 340 00:13:24,551 --> 00:13:27,153 "The Rock"? 341 00:13:27,187 --> 00:13:29,755 That must be a glitch. 342 00:13:29,790 --> 00:13:32,124 "The Rock" again? 343 00:13:32,159 --> 00:13:34,126 Hit history. 344 00:13:34,161 --> 00:13:37,163 "The Rock' abs", "The Rock' arms". 345 00:13:37,197 --> 00:13:39,331 "The Rock' ass"? 346 00:13:39,366 --> 00:13:40,466 "The Rock' eyes?" 347 00:13:40,500 --> 00:13:41,734 Who's Dwayne Johnson? 348 00:13:41,768 --> 00:13:44,270 Also the Rock, his given name. 349 00:13:44,304 --> 00:13:46,405 He debuted as the Rock in 1996, 350 00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:47,673 when he became a professional wrestler. 351 00:13:47,707 --> 00:13:49,708 - Oh, my God. - Wow. 352 00:13:49,743 --> 00:13:51,744 That porn horse and the Rock 353 00:13:51,778 --> 00:13:54,313 have the same exact muscular definition. 354 00:13:54,347 --> 00:13:56,182 Look at the ripples on that back. 355 00:13:56,216 --> 00:13:57,616 Okay, enough. 356 00:13:57,651 --> 00:14:02,154 This is an invasion of Theresa's privacy. 357 00:14:02,189 --> 00:14:05,221 "Penelope Cruz lips", "Penelope Cruz eyes". 358 00:14:05,226 --> 00:14:09,034 "Penelope Cruz bikini pregnant", "Penelope Cruz bikini"... 359 00:14:09,068 --> 00:14:10,567 You use your girlfriend's computer to 360 00:14:10,568 --> 00:14:13,035 - look at celebrity chicks and... - Pregnant celebrity chicks? 361 00:14:13,036 --> 00:14:16,269 - I'm so disappointed in you. - Not me. It's Theresa. 362 00:14:16,370 --> 00:14:18,069 Penelope Cruz is her lesbian free ticket, 363 00:14:18,070 --> 00:14:20,369 the one girl she'd ever have sex with if she ever had the chance, 364 00:14:20,370 --> 00:14:22,572 me, being a gracious boyfriend, said she could do it. 365 00:14:23,966 --> 00:14:25,667 - Who's your free ticket? - Jennifer Aniston. 366 00:14:25,701 --> 00:14:28,803 - Oh, you moron. - What? Why am I a moron? 367 00:14:28,838 --> 00:14:31,907 Because if you pick Penelope Cruz too, 368 00:14:31,941 --> 00:14:33,975 and the day happens to come where you both meet her 369 00:14:34,009 --> 00:14:35,977 and you hit it off, you get to have a threesome! 370 00:14:36,012 --> 00:14:37,979 - Even I know that. - Oh, I didn't... 371 00:14:38,014 --> 00:14:39,748 - Put 'em up, motherfu... - Oh! 372 00:14:39,782 --> 00:14:41,750 Holy shit, you guys! 373 00:14:41,784 --> 00:14:45,287 I almost wasted y'all! Jesus. Billy! 374 00:14:45,321 --> 00:14:47,155 Oh, my God. 375 00:14:47,189 --> 00:14:48,456 Why... why don't... 376 00:14:48,491 --> 00:14:51,393 Why don't you have any clothes on? 377 00:14:51,427 --> 00:14:56,598 Why is your penis so big? 378 00:14:56,632 --> 00:14:58,300 It's not that big. 379 00:14:58,334 --> 00:15:00,702 I say this as a black man and a gay dude, 380 00:15:00,736 --> 00:15:02,504 your cock is enormous. 381 00:15:02,538 --> 00:15:03,705 Really? Thanks, man. 382 00:15:03,739 --> 00:15:05,273 My brothers are bigger. 383 00:15:05,308 --> 00:15:06,808 I'm the smallest one in my family. 384 00:15:06,842 --> 00:15:08,576 I would love to visit their house for Thanksgiving. 385 00:15:08,611 --> 00:15:10,812 God, your balls look tiny. 386 00:15:10,846 --> 00:15:14,182 How... how do you buy pants? 387 00:15:14,216 --> 00:15:16,284 I don't know who's bigger, him or the porn horse. 388 00:15:16,319 --> 00:15:19,187 He is, by a nose. 389 00:15:19,221 --> 00:15:20,455 What are you doing here, Billy? 390 00:15:20,489 --> 00:15:22,024 - I was sleeping upstairs. - Naked? 391 00:15:22,047 --> 00:15:24,248 Yeah. It's hard for me to find the right size underwear. 392 00:15:24,248 --> 00:15:25,650 My house is close to the station, 393 00:15:25,650 --> 00:15:27,252 - no underwear necessary. - Stop hitting on him. 394 00:15:27,252 --> 00:15:29,752 - He's not hitting on me. - Oh, I'm hitting on you hard. 395 00:15:30,650 --> 00:15:32,017 Did you sleep with my girlfriend? 396 00:15:32,052 --> 00:15:34,720 Um... I don't think so. 397 00:15:37,424 --> 00:15:39,458 - Holy shit! - Oh, my God. 398 00:15:40,579 --> 00:15:42,680 He's covering it up and I can still see it. 399 00:15:42,714 --> 00:15:44,682 99th percentile, that's how big that is. 400 00:15:44,716 --> 00:15:45,784 - 99th percentile. - Wow. 401 00:15:45,868 --> 00:15:47,435 Um, I think I'm gonna put some pants on. 402 00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:48,787 - No! - No! 403 00:15:48,821 --> 00:15:51,356 - I think that's a good idea. - Okay. 404 00:15:51,390 --> 00:15:53,725 What are you guys doing here? 405 00:15:53,759 --> 00:15:55,660 What is he doing here? 406 00:15:55,695 --> 00:15:57,295 His apartment's being fumigated, 407 00:15:57,330 --> 00:15:59,164 and he's working nights covering for a guy, 408 00:15:59,198 --> 00:16:01,839 so I said he could stay here. What are you doing here? 409 00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:06,915 Well I just came over to... show the guys 410 00:16:06,940 --> 00:16:09,348 the new coffee table. There it is boys, what did I tell you? 411 00:16:09,355 --> 00:16:11,456 - Oh, woah! - Did you get this used? 412 00:16:11,555 --> 00:16:12,571 - Very nice! - Yeah, yeah. It's nice. 413 00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:15,098 - Why is my computer open? - Um... 414 00:16:15,519 --> 00:16:19,819 Truth is: that iPad, my iPad that I lent you, it's... 415 00:16:20,397 --> 00:16:22,000 it's got porn on it. 416 00:16:22,001 --> 00:16:24,008 I know. 417 00:16:24,009 --> 00:16:26,424 - You looked at my iPad? - Two seconds after you left. 418 00:16:26,495 --> 00:16:28,296 I wanted to know if you were telling the truth 419 00:16:28,296 --> 00:16:30,659 about giving up porn, which of course you weren't. 420 00:16:32,496 --> 00:16:34,524 You looked at my computer? Yeah, I did. 421 00:16:34,596 --> 00:16:35,689 And I'm sorry about that. 422 00:16:35,725 --> 00:16:37,783 But just what the hell is the deal with all the... 423 00:16:37,783 --> 00:16:38,707 - Hey! - Rock pictures, huh? 424 00:16:38,707 --> 00:16:39,696 - Hey! - Can you tell me that? 425 00:16:39,696 --> 00:16:41,417 First of all, it's none of your business. 426 00:16:41,417 --> 00:16:42,670 Second of all... 427 00:16:42,670 --> 00:16:45,487 I like the Rock. He's handsome. 428 00:16:45,487 --> 00:16:47,202 He's agile. 429 00:16:47,202 --> 00:16:48,682 And he's funny. 430 00:16:48,682 --> 00:16:51,261 And he can do that thing with his eyebrows. 431 00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:52,529 I love when he does the eyebrows. 432 00:16:52,529 --> 00:16:53,418 Brian. 433 00:16:53,418 --> 00:16:55,494 The Rock is huge in Europe. They love him there. 434 00:16:55,494 --> 00:16:58,134 What's with Penelope Cruz? 435 00:17:00,247 --> 00:17:02,045 She's my lesbian free ticket, okay? 436 00:17:02,121 --> 00:17:04,359 - Who's his free ticket? - Jennifer Aniston. Pfft. 437 00:17:04,421 --> 00:17:05,421 Idiot! 438 00:17:05,421 --> 00:17:06,757 If it was Penelope Cruz, then... 439 00:17:06,768 --> 00:17:08,367 Yeah, I got it now, Stats. Thanks. 440 00:17:09,354 --> 00:17:11,785 Since we're talking about browser history... 441 00:17:11,854 --> 00:17:12,950 Hmm. 442 00:17:12,964 --> 00:17:16,990 What is with all of the Rachel McAdams topless searches 443 00:17:17,022 --> 00:17:18,113 on your iPad, huh? 444 00:17:18,735 --> 00:17:21,389 "Rachel McAdams topless Bermuda," 445 00:17:21,389 --> 00:17:23,342 "Rachel McAdams topless Italy." 446 00:17:23,433 --> 00:17:25,250 "Rachel McAdams topless Macau"? 447 00:17:25,250 --> 00:17:26,765 - She travels a lot. - Oh. 448 00:17:26,932 --> 00:17:28,945 It's embarrassing, but the truth is... 449 00:17:29,787 --> 00:17:31,465 I don't have any topless pictures of you, 450 00:17:31,487 --> 00:17:32,897 and she kind of reminds me of you. 451 00:17:32,987 --> 00:17:33,795 There you go. 452 00:17:34,974 --> 00:17:36,974 I wanted a topless picture of you, 453 00:17:36,974 --> 00:17:39,242 and that was as close as I could get. 454 00:17:40,954 --> 00:17:42,454 That's actually kind of sweet. 455 00:17:42,476 --> 00:17:44,307 You never gave him any topless photos? 456 00:17:44,356 --> 00:17:46,186 In Europe, everyone goes topless. 457 00:17:46,186 --> 00:17:47,081 Shut up, Maeve. 458 00:17:47,081 --> 00:17:49,506 You spent one semester studying in Scotland. 459 00:17:53,839 --> 00:17:55,926 You think I look like Rachel McAdams? 460 00:17:55,926 --> 00:17:58,010 Yeah. I do. 461 00:17:58,305 --> 00:17:59,820 A lot. 462 00:18:00,291 --> 00:18:02,171 So much so that I've seen all of her movies... 463 00:18:02,189 --> 00:18:03,801 - Except The Vow. - Oh, my God. 464 00:18:03,859 --> 00:18:05,470 What are you saving it for? 465 00:18:05,495 --> 00:18:07,037 Theresa, I can't find my pants. 466 00:18:07,078 --> 00:18:08,852 Dang it, Billy. 467 00:18:08,852 --> 00:18:10,389 - Yes! - Is that my iPad? 468 00:18:12,119 --> 00:18:14,520 Is yours the one with Big Booby Carwash on it? 469 00:18:14,786 --> 00:18:16,352 - Yes. - Yeah. 470 00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:18,497 You know what? It's yours. 471 00:18:18,497 --> 00:18:19,593 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 472 00:18:19,593 --> 00:18:20,621 Thanks, man. 473 00:18:20,621 --> 00:18:22,315 - Chicago north... - No! 474 00:18:22,315 --> 00:18:23,841 - Ambulance 14. - Oh, thank God. 475 00:18:24,380 --> 00:18:25,637 That's our quadrant. 476 00:18:25,661 --> 00:18:27,261 We'd love to stay, but... 477 00:18:27,886 --> 00:18:29,972 Ambulance 14 responding. 478 00:18:30,061 --> 00:18:31,744 One of you bitches is taking a picture. 479 00:18:33,387 --> 00:18:35,434 Guys. 480 00:18:41,848 --> 00:18:43,099 What room was it? 481 00:18:43,311 --> 00:18:44,342 2-0-0-8. 482 00:18:47,971 --> 00:18:49,631 Emergency services! 483 00:18:49,643 --> 00:18:50,869 Why is the phone still ringing? 484 00:18:50,869 --> 00:18:52,775 911 dispatch. Nobody's answering. 485 00:18:52,776 --> 00:18:54,665 Hello? Emergency services! 486 00:18:54,665 --> 00:18:57,084 Hello? All right, stand back. 487 00:19:00,409 --> 00:19:01,689 Hello? 488 00:19:05,233 --> 00:19:06,743 Oh, my God! 489 00:19:06,743 --> 00:19:08,251 Oh, that's it. Oh, God. 490 00:19:08,462 --> 00:19:10,334 - Oh! - Oh! 491 00:19:10,334 --> 00:19:13,137 - Get outta my house! - What the hell is this? 492 00:19:13,137 --> 00:19:14,806 - Call the police. - No! Nope, nope. 493 00:19:14,806 --> 00:19:16,240 Everything's okay. We're paramedics. 494 00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:17,505 We got an emergency call. 495 00:19:17,985 --> 00:19:20,481 This is the EMTs It's a false alarm. 496 00:19:20,490 --> 00:19:22,750 It looks like the life alert was set off, um... 497 00:19:24,065 --> 00:19:25,956 - Accidentally. - Oh, this is so embarrassing. 498 00:19:25,956 --> 00:19:27,778 - Shh, okay. - It's okay, it's okay. 499 00:19:27,851 --> 00:19:32,335 Um, just next time you engage in athletic activities, 500 00:19:32,335 --> 00:19:34,018 - um, take off the necklace. - Please. 501 00:19:34,018 --> 00:19:35,333 - Thank you. - Please. 502 00:19:35,333 --> 00:19:37,080 - We're just gonna... - Please. 503 00:20:15,762 --> 00:20:17,767 - Okay, can we just... - Yeah. 504 00:20:17,767 --> 00:20:20,104 - That was so... - Beautiful. 505 00:20:20,104 --> 00:20:21,772 Right? 506 00:20:21,772 --> 00:20:24,870 Two humans in love, the way it was meant to be. 507 00:20:24,870 --> 00:20:27,433 That... That was poetry. 508 00:20:27,433 --> 00:20:30,127 It was the California raisins making a sex tape. 509 00:20:30,127 --> 00:20:32,220 Not to me. I was moved. 510 00:20:32,220 --> 00:20:35,907 Horse... gone. 511 00:20:39,140 --> 00:20:40,556 See ya, guys. 512 00:20:40,556 --> 00:20:42,512 I don't think I'm ever gonna get that man's saggy scrotum 513 00:20:42,512 --> 00:20:44,399 - out of my head. - Or her ass. 514 00:20:44,399 --> 00:20:46,410 It was so, uh, wrinkled. 515 00:20:46,410 --> 00:20:47,729 I mean, I thought it was her ass. 516 00:20:47,729 --> 00:20:49,580 Maybe it was... Oy. 517 00:20:49,580 --> 00:20:50,980 Giant baby, giant baby, giant baby. 518 00:20:50,980 --> 00:20:52,661 Giant baby, giant baby. 519 00:20:52,661 --> 00:20:54,906 Giant baby... Text from Maeve. 520 00:20:54,906 --> 00:20:56,783 Ooh, please be what I think it might be. 521 00:20:56,783 --> 00:20:58,258 - Jackpot! - What? 522 00:20:58,270 --> 00:21:01,175 Goodbye, saggy scrotum. Hello, king dong. 523 00:21:01,175 --> 00:21:02,579 She sent me a photo of Billy's dick. 524 00:21:02,579 --> 00:21:03,979 She sent me a photo of Billy dick. 525 00:21:03,979 --> 00:21:04,580 Ah. 526 00:21:04,580 --> 00:21:07,246 I'm a free man. 527 00:21:07,277 --> 00:21:08,808 I must save this bitch right now. 528 00:21:08,853 --> 00:21:10,083 Well, what am I supposed to do? 529 00:21:10,133 --> 00:21:12,793 Giant baby. 530 00:21:13,482 --> 00:21:16,305 - It's a text from Theresa. - What is it? 531 00:21:17,062 --> 00:21:19,348 Nothing. 37378

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