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1
00:00:04,656 --> 00:00:05,657
Mom!
2
00:00:05,744 --> 00:00:06,876
BONNIE:
What?
3
00:00:06,963 --> 00:00:07,964
Come here.
4
00:00:08,051 --> 00:00:08,965
Why?
5
00:00:09,052 --> 00:00:10,880
Just come down.
6
00:00:18,714 --> 00:00:20,063
Mom!
[whispers]:
Hey.
7
00:00:20,150 --> 00:00:21,673
[yells]
8
00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:24,676
Ooh, you're so jumpy.
9
00:00:24,763 --> 00:00:26,243
Come sit next to me.
10
00:00:26,330 --> 00:00:27,984
What's up?
Hold my hand.
11
00:00:28,071 --> 00:00:29,464
Okay. What's going on?
12
00:00:29,551 --> 00:00:30,726
Don't talk, just hold.
13
00:00:33,207 --> 00:00:36,036
You have really tiny hands.
14
00:00:36,123 --> 00:00:38,951
Feel like I'm going steady
with a raccoon.
15
00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:40,649
Shh!
16
00:00:40,736 --> 00:00:42,694
Can you at least tell me
what we're looking at here?
17
00:00:42,781 --> 00:00:44,131
My grades get posted at noon,
18
00:00:44,218 --> 00:00:46,002
and I don't want to
look at them by myself.
19
00:00:46,089 --> 00:00:47,612
Oh, so you think you blew it?
20
00:00:47,699 --> 00:00:49,658
No! Why would you say that?
21
00:00:49,745 --> 00:00:50,920
[spits three times]
22
00:00:51,007 --> 00:00:52,182
Take it back!
23
00:00:52,269 --> 00:00:55,881
[mimics spitting]
24
00:00:55,968 --> 00:00:57,274
When did we become gypsies?
25
00:00:57,361 --> 00:00:59,146
I just don't want to jinx it.
26
00:00:59,233 --> 00:01:02,018
Well, that's not possible now
that you spit three times.
27
00:01:02,105 --> 00:01:04,194
Can you please just sit here
and support me?
28
00:01:04,281 --> 00:01:06,327
I honestly thought
that's what I was doing.
29
00:01:06,414 --> 00:01:08,981
Okay, I'm just gonna be quiet.
30
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:11,201
Sorry, it was just
such a tough semester,
31
00:01:11,288 --> 00:01:13,682
with work, and Roscoe,
and Violet,
32
00:01:13,769 --> 00:01:15,684
and crazy stuff around here.
33
00:01:15,771 --> 00:01:17,077
Am I the crazy stuff?
34
00:01:17,164 --> 00:01:18,556
Yeah.
35
00:01:18,643 --> 00:01:20,906
Also, I turned in
a couple papers late.
36
00:01:20,993 --> 00:01:22,343
I'm pretty sure I screwed up
37
00:01:22,430 --> 00:01:23,518
my literature final
on Metamorphosis.
38
00:01:23,605 --> 00:01:24,562
What's that?
39
00:01:24,649 --> 00:01:25,650
It's an awful book.
40
00:01:25,737 --> 00:01:26,912
A guy wakes up one morning
41
00:01:26,999 --> 00:01:28,566
and is turned
into a giant cockroach.
42
00:01:28,653 --> 00:01:30,742
But not like Spiderman who
got bit by a radioactive spider,
43
00:01:30,829 --> 00:01:32,309
this guy just wakes up
all cockroach-y.
44
00:01:34,311 --> 00:01:35,225
So no super powers?
45
00:01:35,312 --> 00:01:36,574
Nope.
46
00:01:36,661 --> 00:01:37,836
He doesn't fight crime,
no costume,
47
00:01:37,923 --> 00:01:39,751
he's just a bug for no reason.
48
00:01:39,838 --> 00:01:42,711
Can he make other
cockroaches do his bidding?
49
00:01:42,798 --> 00:01:43,886
Doesn't even try.
50
00:01:43,973 --> 00:01:45,061
He just complains.
51
00:01:45,148 --> 00:01:47,890
So what was your paper about?
52
00:01:47,977 --> 00:01:49,196
I wish I remember.
53
00:01:49,283 --> 00:01:50,458
I wrote it when I had
walking pneumonia
54
00:01:50,545 --> 00:01:51,589
and was on all that medication.
55
00:01:51,676 --> 00:01:53,069
Well, there you go.
56
00:01:53,156 --> 00:01:54,810
If you flunk, you can
blame it on drugs,
57
00:01:54,897 --> 00:01:57,073
like when you were
in junior high.
58
00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:59,902
Excuse me, I did not
take drugs in junior high.
59
00:02:01,208 --> 00:02:03,035
I just drank.
60
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,212
Mostly wine coolers.
61
00:02:05,299 --> 00:02:07,170
And cough syrup.
62
00:02:07,257 --> 00:02:08,519
Ooh, they're up, they're up.
63
00:02:12,306 --> 00:02:13,220
Oh, my God.
64
00:02:13,307 --> 00:02:15,265
Are we reading this right?
65
00:02:15,352 --> 00:02:16,875
I got straight A's.
66
00:02:16,962 --> 00:02:18,921
That's why I asked,
"Are we reading this right?"
67
00:02:19,008 --> 00:02:20,009
I got straight A's, Mom!
68
00:02:20,096 --> 00:02:21,402
I got straight A's.
69
00:02:21,489 --> 00:02:22,794
Wait, wait, wait,
there's an asterisk.
70
00:02:22,881 --> 00:02:23,839
What does that mean?
71
00:02:23,926 --> 00:02:25,188
Were you using steroids?
72
00:02:25,275 --> 00:02:26,189
Let me look.
73
00:02:29,192 --> 00:02:30,411
I made the dean's list.
74
00:02:30,498 --> 00:02:33,762
Oh, honey, did you
sleep with the dean?
75
00:02:33,849 --> 00:02:36,068
I didn't have to,
76
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,287
I'm smart!
77
00:02:39,115 --> 00:02:41,030
♪
78
00:02:56,524 --> 00:02:57,916
Congratulations, sweetie.
79
00:02:58,003 --> 00:02:59,179
The dean's list is a big deal.
80
00:03:00,310 --> 00:03:02,443
[muffled]:
Thanks.
81
00:03:02,530 --> 00:03:05,315
I always kind of suspected
I might be, you know,
82
00:03:05,402 --> 00:03:06,577
gifted.
83
00:03:10,494 --> 00:03:12,757
One of the best parts
of staying sober
84
00:03:12,844 --> 00:03:15,499
is learning what
we're really capable of.
85
00:03:15,586 --> 00:03:17,327
You should come to one
of my Mensa meetings.
86
00:03:17,414 --> 00:03:19,068
Wait, you're in Mensa?
87
00:03:19,155 --> 00:03:20,548
What's Mensa?
88
00:03:20,635 --> 00:03:23,246
It's a club for people
with high IQs.
89
00:03:23,333 --> 00:03:24,900
And you're in that?
90
00:03:24,987 --> 00:03:26,554
Yes.
91
00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:30,384
I said "Yes."
92
00:03:33,082 --> 00:03:35,563
So, Christy, have you thought
about what's next for you?
93
00:03:35,650 --> 00:03:38,696
Well, I guess transfer
to a four-year college,
94
00:03:38,783 --> 00:03:41,177
and then, hopefully, law school.
95
00:03:41,264 --> 00:03:43,092
That's wonderful.
96
00:03:43,179 --> 00:03:45,442
I'm sure you'll get
straight A's there, too.
97
00:03:45,529 --> 00:03:47,966
Marjorie, why are you getting
her expectations up?
98
00:03:48,053 --> 00:03:50,317
It's one thing to get good
grades at a community college,
99
00:03:50,404 --> 00:03:52,319
where it's basically everybody
gets an A for showing up
100
00:03:52,406 --> 00:03:54,799
with pants on, zipper forward.
101
00:03:54,886 --> 00:03:57,193
But real college
is different, am I right?
102
00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:58,325
No.
103
00:03:58,412 --> 00:03:59,935
An A is an A,
104
00:04:00,022 --> 00:04:01,719
whether it's
at Napa Valley Tech or Harvard.
105
00:04:01,806 --> 00:04:03,895
Yeah, but if you're
getting brain surgery,
106
00:04:03,982 --> 00:04:06,246
which diploma do you want
to see on your doctor's wall?
107
00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:09,466
My A's are A's.
108
00:04:09,553 --> 00:04:10,815
Don't crap on my A's.
109
00:04:10,902 --> 00:04:12,513
Nobody's crapping.
110
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:13,949
I'm just trying to inject
a little reality here.
111
00:04:14,036 --> 00:04:14,906
Wendy, you're in Mensa,
tell her.
112
00:04:14,993 --> 00:04:17,692
Um...
113
00:04:17,779 --> 00:04:19,259
we mostly do puzzles.
114
00:04:22,218 --> 00:04:24,307
It doesn't matter.
115
00:04:24,394 --> 00:04:26,353
Christy, you're a totally
different person
116
00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:28,529
than the hot mess
that crawled into that meeting
117
00:04:28,616 --> 00:04:31,096
three years ago,
and I'm so proud of you.
118
00:04:31,183 --> 00:04:32,663
Thanks, Marjorie.
119
00:04:32,750 --> 00:04:33,925
To Christy.
120
00:04:34,012 --> 00:04:35,318
ALL:
To Christy.
121
00:04:35,405 --> 00:04:36,711
We should also
be toasting Wendy
122
00:04:36,798 --> 00:04:38,321
who managed to hide
her intelligence from us
123
00:04:38,408 --> 00:04:39,322
for all these years.
124
00:04:39,409 --> 00:04:42,543
ALL:
To Wendy.
125
00:04:45,328 --> 00:04:47,852
[sighs]
You ready for lights out?
126
00:04:47,939 --> 00:04:49,767
Let me just finish
this text to my daughter.
127
00:04:49,854 --> 00:04:51,682
Oh, good.
You two are talking again?
128
00:04:51,769 --> 00:04:53,162
Yes, we're talking.
129
00:04:53,249 --> 00:04:55,338
Sorry, last I heard
you were dead to her.
130
00:04:55,425 --> 00:04:57,819
Yeah, well, I apologized
for something I didn't do,
131
00:04:57,906 --> 00:05:01,431
and now we're good again.
132
00:05:01,518 --> 00:05:03,825
Wow, and she invited you
to go with her?
133
00:05:03,912 --> 00:05:06,349
That's right,
I am buying the dress.
134
00:05:06,436 --> 00:05:09,134
Oh, well, that explains
why she invited you.
135
00:05:09,221 --> 00:05:13,704
No, she invited me because
our relationship is better now.
136
00:05:13,791 --> 00:05:15,315
You know what?
Let's just go to bed.
137
00:05:15,402 --> 00:05:16,359
Fine.
138
00:05:22,452 --> 00:05:25,586
[sighs heavily]
139
00:05:27,283 --> 00:05:28,893
We're not done, are we?
140
00:05:28,980 --> 00:05:30,634
We need to talk about something.
141
00:05:30,721 --> 00:05:33,594
Oh, no, do you want a divorce?
142
00:05:36,205 --> 00:05:37,859
This is serious.
143
00:05:37,946 --> 00:05:39,295
Earlier with the girls,
144
00:05:39,382 --> 00:05:40,688
all that stuff you were saying
145
00:05:40,775 --> 00:05:42,342
about my grades
not being worth anything,
146
00:05:42,429 --> 00:05:43,691
it hurt my feelings.
147
00:05:43,778 --> 00:05:44,909
Oh, come on.
148
00:05:44,996 --> 00:05:46,041
I was kidding.
149
00:05:46,128 --> 00:05:48,043
Didn't feel like kidding.
150
00:05:48,130 --> 00:05:49,740
Everybody there said
they were happy for me,
151
00:05:49,827 --> 00:05:51,481
proud of me,
152
00:05:51,568 --> 00:05:53,440
even the waitress gave me
a free piece of cheesecake.
153
00:05:53,527 --> 00:05:55,006
All you did was put me down.
154
00:05:55,093 --> 00:05:57,226
For God's sakes,
that was just me kibitzing.
155
00:05:57,313 --> 00:06:00,185
That's what I do, I kibitz.
156
00:06:00,272 --> 00:06:00,969
Yeah, I did.
157
00:06:01,056 --> 00:06:01,883
No, you didn't.
158
00:06:01,970 --> 00:06:02,797
Fine. Christy...
159
00:06:02,884 --> 00:06:03,928
Nope, too late now.
160
00:06:04,015 --> 00:06:06,191
What are you doing?
161
00:06:06,278 --> 00:06:08,237
I can't sleep next to someone
who doesn't value me.
162
00:06:08,324 --> 00:06:09,499
Since when?
163
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:13,373
See?
164
00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:14,548
Kibitz!
165
00:06:18,682 --> 00:06:19,596
We're not done.
166
00:06:19,683 --> 00:06:21,032
Oh, I think we are.
167
00:06:21,119 --> 00:06:23,034
It was just a few
jokes over coffee.
168
00:06:23,121 --> 00:06:25,602
No, no, you purposely
diminished my achievements.
169
00:06:25,689 --> 00:06:27,561
No, no, I was trying
to get some laughs.
170
00:06:27,648 --> 00:06:29,563
Those women count on me
171
00:06:29,650 --> 00:06:32,087
to brighten up
their drab little lives.
172
00:06:32,174 --> 00:06:33,436
It's not just tonight.
173
00:06:33,523 --> 00:06:34,785
You've always sold me short.
174
00:06:34,872 --> 00:06:36,004
Well...
175
00:06:36,091 --> 00:06:37,571
Don't you dare
make a short joke.
176
00:06:37,658 --> 00:06:38,746
Go away.
177
00:06:38,833 --> 00:06:40,269
Fine, but just so we're clear,
178
00:06:40,356 --> 00:06:41,923
you, right now walking around
breathing air,
179
00:06:42,010 --> 00:06:43,054
that's all thanks to me.
180
00:06:43,141 --> 00:06:44,621
That's your argument?
181
00:06:44,708 --> 00:06:45,840
The fact that
I'm walking and breathing
182
00:06:45,927 --> 00:06:47,232
makes you mother of the year?
183
00:06:47,319 --> 00:06:49,147
Hey, not matter how
tough things were,
184
00:06:49,234 --> 00:06:51,106
I always made sure
you never went without.
185
00:06:51,193 --> 00:06:53,761
You always had a roof over your
head and dinner in your belly.
186
00:06:53,848 --> 00:06:55,458
A panel truck is not a roof
187
00:06:55,545 --> 00:06:57,982
and Red Vines are not dinner!
188
00:06:58,069 --> 00:07:00,724
Wow, so ungrateful.
189
00:07:00,811 --> 00:07:02,378
All right,
you want to get current?
190
00:07:02,465 --> 00:07:04,598
The only reason you were able
to go back to school
191
00:07:04,685 --> 00:07:05,599
is because of me.
192
00:07:05,686 --> 00:07:07,252
How do you figure that?
193
00:07:07,339 --> 00:07:08,819
Whose gambling got us evicted
from the old place?
194
00:07:08,906 --> 00:07:10,778
And whose quick thinking
got us this apartment?
195
00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:12,170
Quick thinking?
196
00:07:12,257 --> 00:07:13,520
You lied to the building owners
197
00:07:13,607 --> 00:07:14,825
that you were
a skilled handyman.
198
00:07:14,912 --> 00:07:17,654
Yes, and one of my skills
is lying.
199
00:07:17,741 --> 00:07:20,135
And while you were waiting
tables or going to class,
200
00:07:20,222 --> 00:07:22,006
who babysat for you
free of charge?
201
00:07:22,093 --> 00:07:24,008
Oh, Grandma, thank you.
202
00:07:24,095 --> 00:07:26,141
Oh, I see, you're just
gonna spin everything.
203
00:07:26,228 --> 00:07:27,708
I am a self-made woman.
204
00:07:27,795 --> 00:07:29,579
My success has nothing to do
with you.
205
00:07:29,666 --> 00:07:31,059
Fine. Deal.
206
00:07:31,146 --> 00:07:32,669
Then I also have nothing
to do with your failure.
207
00:07:32,756 --> 00:07:34,018
All the arrests, the drugs,
the drinking,
208
00:07:34,105 --> 00:07:35,019
that's all on you.
209
00:07:35,106 --> 00:07:36,368
Those are not failures.
210
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,066
Those are obstacles
that I overcame
211
00:07:38,153 --> 00:07:40,503
to make my success
all the more compelling!
212
00:07:48,511 --> 00:07:49,773
"Christy J. Plunkett,
213
00:07:49,860 --> 00:07:51,645
"grade four.
214
00:07:51,732 --> 00:07:55,431
Christy is eager to learn and
shows a great deal of promise."
215
00:07:55,518 --> 00:07:57,215
"Grade five.
216
00:07:57,302 --> 00:07:59,870
"Christy is a joy
to have in class.
217
00:07:59,957 --> 00:08:01,524
She is bright and inquisitive."
218
00:08:01,611 --> 00:08:03,308
"Grade six.
219
00:08:03,395 --> 00:08:06,398
"Christy is the best student
I've ever encountered.
220
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,531
She is going to do
amazing things one day."
221
00:08:08,618 --> 00:08:11,012
You kept your report cards?
222
00:08:11,099 --> 00:08:14,189
I also signed them whenever
you went off on a bender.
223
00:08:15,407 --> 00:08:17,888
I never went off on a bender,
224
00:08:17,975 --> 00:08:19,629
those were three-day weekends
225
00:08:19,716 --> 00:08:22,502
where I tried to find you
a father.
226
00:08:24,329 --> 00:08:26,723
The point is,
even as a little kid,
227
00:08:26,810 --> 00:08:28,508
I showed potential.
228
00:08:28,595 --> 00:08:30,335
And now that I'm living up to
that potential,
229
00:08:30,422 --> 00:08:31,336
you're jealous.
230
00:08:31,423 --> 00:08:33,687
I'm jealous of you?
231
00:08:33,774 --> 00:08:35,079
That's right, you heard me.
232
00:08:35,166 --> 00:08:37,517
Oh, honey, I don't think so.
233
00:08:37,604 --> 00:08:39,954
I'm jealous of
Serena Williams,
234
00:08:40,041 --> 00:08:41,433
Michelle Obama,
235
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:44,306
that tall Arab chick
that bagged Clooney.
236
00:08:46,743 --> 00:08:48,179
The more I hear you talk,
237
00:08:48,266 --> 00:08:50,617
the more I realize
what a miracle I am.
238
00:08:50,704 --> 00:08:54,055
A miracle that was conceived
at a Foghat concert!
239
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:03,847
You stormed out
before my rebuttal!
240
00:09:03,934 --> 00:09:06,763
All right, rebut.
241
00:09:11,376 --> 00:09:14,771
I got nothing,
but I can't sleep,
242
00:09:14,858 --> 00:09:16,077
so neither will you.
243
00:09:16,164 --> 00:09:17,557
Oh, no you don't!
244
00:09:26,478 --> 00:09:27,610
Morning.
245
00:09:27,697 --> 00:09:29,090
Morning.
246
00:09:35,139 --> 00:09:36,793
Listen...
247
00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:39,709
last night, I said some things
that were pretty ugly.
248
00:09:39,796 --> 00:09:40,797
Yeah?
249
00:09:40,884 --> 00:09:42,103
I just want you to know
250
00:09:42,190 --> 00:09:43,539
that I stand by all of them.
251
00:09:46,716 --> 00:09:48,413
Cute.
252
00:09:50,241 --> 00:09:53,680
But if you don't mind,
I'm not going to engage
253
00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:56,160
on this level, because
that's just not who I am.
254
00:09:56,247 --> 00:09:59,990
I love that you think
you have levels.
255
00:10:00,077 --> 00:10:01,862
See you later.
256
00:10:01,949 --> 00:10:03,690
I'm taking my daughter out
shopping for a wedding dress.
257
00:10:03,777 --> 00:10:06,606
You know, breaking the cycle
of maternal neglect.
258
00:10:06,693 --> 00:10:08,303
See you there.
259
00:10:09,391 --> 00:10:10,305
What do you mean?
260
00:10:10,392 --> 00:10:11,698
Violet invited me.
261
00:10:13,743 --> 00:10:14,918
What's the matter?
262
00:10:15,005 --> 00:10:17,399
Bitch got your tongue?
263
00:10:22,491 --> 00:10:24,493
Tell me this isn't
perfect on you.
264
00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:26,103
It is beautiful.
265
00:10:26,190 --> 00:10:28,758
Oh, I'm crying already
thinking of you wearing this.
266
00:10:28,845 --> 00:10:30,368
Listen, about the price,
267
00:10:30,455 --> 00:10:32,022
Gregory's mom offered
to take care of it.
268
00:10:32,109 --> 00:10:34,111
Hey, this is my
little girl's wedding.
269
00:10:34,198 --> 00:10:36,026
I am more than capable of buying
270
00:10:36,113 --> 00:10:37,027
her a dress.
271
00:10:37,114 --> 00:10:39,726
Not this one specifically,
272
00:10:39,813 --> 00:10:41,553
but a very nice dress.
273
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:43,860
All right, why don't
we take a look over here
274
00:10:43,947 --> 00:10:45,862
at the bride-on-a-budget rack.
275
00:10:45,949 --> 00:10:47,342
A lot of attitude
276
00:10:47,429 --> 00:10:49,866
from a middle-aged broad
working retail.
277
00:10:49,953 --> 00:10:51,259
Sorry, I'm late.
278
00:10:51,346 --> 00:10:52,652
Someone hid my keys
279
00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:54,479
but forgot I can see
on top of things.
280
00:10:56,177 --> 00:10:57,613
I'm so glad you're here.
281
00:10:57,700 --> 00:10:58,875
I wouldn't miss
it for the world.
282
00:10:58,962 --> 00:11:00,485
What are we looking at?
283
00:11:00,572 --> 00:11:02,052
Just trying to find something
reasonably priced.
284
00:11:02,139 --> 00:11:03,358
Oh, Christy,
285
00:11:03,445 --> 00:11:04,620
your only
daughter's wedding
286
00:11:04,707 --> 00:11:06,404
is not the time
to go cheap.
287
00:11:06,491 --> 00:11:09,407
You're right, I should spend
the same amount on her
288
00:11:09,494 --> 00:11:10,800
that you spent on me.
289
00:11:10,887 --> 00:11:12,367
Oh, wait, that was nothing.
290
00:11:12,454 --> 00:11:14,238
Because I knew the
marriage wouldn't last.
291
00:11:14,325 --> 00:11:15,892
I don't think
her marriage is gonna last,
292
00:11:15,979 --> 00:11:16,980
but that doesn't stop me.
293
00:11:17,067 --> 00:11:17,894
What?
294
00:11:17,981 --> 00:11:18,895
Not important, honey,
295
00:11:18,982 --> 00:11:19,896
just trying to hurt Grandma.
296
00:11:19,983 --> 00:11:21,376
You know what,
297
00:11:21,463 --> 00:11:22,899
let's try on the expensive one.
298
00:11:22,986 --> 00:11:24,727
Mom, you don't have to.
299
00:11:24,814 --> 00:11:27,338
No, but I want to because
that's what good mothers do.
300
00:11:27,425 --> 00:11:28,252
But the price...
301
00:11:28,339 --> 00:11:29,210
Forget the price,
302
00:11:29,297 --> 00:11:30,341
try it on.
303
00:11:30,428 --> 00:11:32,082
Oh, my God.
304
00:11:32,169 --> 00:11:33,083
Right this way.
305
00:11:33,170 --> 00:11:34,824
Okay, okay.
306
00:11:36,652 --> 00:11:39,002
Thanks a lot.
307
00:11:39,089 --> 00:11:41,657
Now I'm on the hook
for a dress I can't afford.
308
00:11:41,744 --> 00:11:43,180
Oh, don't worry about it,
309
00:11:43,267 --> 00:11:44,965
you're gifted,
you'll figure it out.
310
00:11:45,052 --> 00:11:47,445
Don't you dare ruin this
special day with my daughter.
311
00:11:47,532 --> 00:11:49,143
Oh, I think this special
day will be ruined
312
00:11:49,230 --> 00:11:50,710
when your credit card
gets declined.
313
00:11:50,797 --> 00:11:52,494
That's it, get out.
314
00:11:52,581 --> 00:11:53,408
"Get out"?
315
00:11:53,495 --> 00:11:54,539
You heard me,
316
00:11:54,626 --> 00:11:56,150
turn into a bat and fly away!
317
00:11:56,237 --> 00:11:57,978
Make me.
318
00:12:00,763 --> 00:12:02,417
I didn't think so.
319
00:12:02,504 --> 00:12:04,288
[bellowing]
320
00:12:04,375 --> 00:12:06,116
Get off of me!
321
00:12:06,203 --> 00:12:08,249
What is wrong with you?!
322
00:12:08,336 --> 00:12:10,077
You're what's
wrong with me!
323
00:12:10,164 --> 00:12:11,643
All right, that's it!
324
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,776
Who's got
raccoon hands now?
325
00:12:13,863 --> 00:12:16,300
I swear to God,
I will helicopter you
326
00:12:16,387 --> 00:12:17,432
out of this building!
327
00:12:17,519 --> 00:12:19,739
I am not letting go!
328
00:12:19,826 --> 00:12:21,915
Then I am taking you down!
329
00:12:22,002 --> 00:12:22,959
That's all you've
330
00:12:23,046 --> 00:12:25,048
ever done!
331
00:12:25,135 --> 00:12:26,049
[grunting]
332
00:12:26,136 --> 00:12:27,616
Here comes the bride.
333
00:12:29,226 --> 00:12:30,575
Mom! Grandma!
334
00:12:31,925 --> 00:12:33,927
Oh, honey, you
look beautiful!
335
00:12:34,014 --> 00:12:35,929
[straining]: Really pretty!
336
00:12:41,412 --> 00:12:43,501
Okay, the meeting
is now open for sharing.
337
00:12:43,588 --> 00:12:44,807
Who'd like to start?
338
00:12:47,201 --> 00:12:48,985
So glad I came tonight.
339
00:12:49,072 --> 00:12:49,812
Christy.
340
00:12:49,899 --> 00:12:50,682
Ha!
341
00:12:52,249 --> 00:12:55,296
Hi, my name is Christy,
I'm an alcoholic.
342
00:12:55,383 --> 00:12:56,210
ALL:
Hi, Christy.
343
00:12:56,297 --> 00:12:58,778
Boo.
344
00:12:58,865 --> 00:13:01,215
I'm just gonna
cut straight to it,
345
00:13:01,302 --> 00:13:03,565
we're all a little broken here,
but this one...
346
00:13:04,609 --> 00:13:05,915
...this is pure evil.
347
00:13:06,002 --> 00:13:08,048
Ooh, here we go.
348
00:13:08,135 --> 00:13:11,051
What else do you call
someone who is so threatened
349
00:13:11,138 --> 00:13:13,967
by her own child's success that
she has to crap all over it?
350
00:13:14,054 --> 00:13:14,968
Oh, please.
351
00:13:15,055 --> 00:13:16,621
Wait your turn, evil!
352
00:13:17,927 --> 00:13:20,582
I think that name
might stick.
353
00:13:20,669 --> 00:13:22,279
Well, you know what?
354
00:13:22,366 --> 00:13:25,717
It won't work on me
because I am a sober, sane
355
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:28,677
and emotionally well-balanced
woman who is on her way
356
00:13:28,764 --> 00:13:30,722
to do great things!
357
00:13:33,116 --> 00:13:35,162
What are you looking at?!
358
00:13:37,381 --> 00:13:39,906
Thank you.
359
00:13:39,993 --> 00:13:41,559
Okay, who'd like...
360
00:13:41,646 --> 00:13:42,734
Hi, Bonnie, alcoholic.
361
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,649
ALL:
Hi, Bonn...
Save it!
362
00:13:44,736 --> 00:13:45,825
I would just
like to say that
363
00:13:45,912 --> 00:13:47,870
evil comes in many shapes
364
00:13:47,957 --> 00:13:49,872
and sizes, including pixie.
365
00:13:49,959 --> 00:13:51,134
You all know me,
366
00:13:51,221 --> 00:13:53,876
you know that I mean well,
367
00:13:53,963 --> 00:13:55,530
that I always come from love.
368
00:13:55,617 --> 00:13:58,054
[all laughing]
369
00:14:00,013 --> 00:14:03,712
Oh, well, I wasn't going
for a joke, but okay.
370
00:14:03,799 --> 00:14:06,758
My point is, I love my daughter,
371
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:09,065
and there is nothing
I wouldn't do for her.
372
00:14:09,152 --> 00:14:11,894
Except be supportive when
something good happens to me.
373
00:14:11,981 --> 00:14:12,895
Christy, no cross-talk.
374
00:14:12,982 --> 00:14:15,593
Zip it, Mensa.
375
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:18,031
Not only am I supportive,
376
00:14:18,118 --> 00:14:20,860
I am happy, I am thrilled,
377
00:14:20,947 --> 00:14:22,078
I'm a little jealous...
378
00:14:22,165 --> 00:14:22,862
There it is!
379
00:14:22,949 --> 00:14:24,080
There what is?
380
00:14:24,167 --> 00:14:25,081
You admitted you're jealous!
381
00:14:25,168 --> 00:14:26,387
I did not!
382
00:14:26,474 --> 00:14:27,910
You did!
You all heard it, tell her!
383
00:14:27,997 --> 00:14:29,956
You sure did.
384
00:14:31,696 --> 00:14:33,307
Okay, so, maybe I am.
385
00:14:33,394 --> 00:14:34,308
Happy?
386
00:14:34,395 --> 00:14:35,831
No!
387
00:14:35,918 --> 00:14:37,789
How could you be jealous
of your own daughter?!
388
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:40,227
I don't know,
I'm a horrible person!
389
00:14:40,314 --> 00:14:41,924
What-what is it
you want to hear?
390
00:14:42,011 --> 00:14:44,100
[whispering]:
Best meeting ever.
391
00:14:44,187 --> 00:14:45,797
I want to hear
that you believe in me,
392
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,756
that you think I could
amount to something.
393
00:14:47,843 --> 00:14:50,280
Of course, you can
amount to something.
394
00:14:50,367 --> 00:14:52,892
Why else do you think
I feel so threatened?
395
00:14:58,419 --> 00:14:59,681
Okay.
396
00:15:01,857 --> 00:15:04,860
Well, then, thank you.
397
00:15:08,211 --> 00:15:11,301
All right, who else
would like to share?
398
00:15:11,388 --> 00:15:13,260
Hi, I'm Jill,
I'm an alcoholic.
399
00:15:13,347 --> 00:15:14,609
ALL:
Hi, Jill.
400
00:15:14,696 --> 00:15:16,480
I just got to say
that these are the moments
401
00:15:16,567 --> 00:15:19,092
that make me wish
my mother wasn't dead.
402
00:15:28,623 --> 00:15:29,841
So, listen, how about
403
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:32,192
we go dress shopping
again next Sunday?
404
00:15:32,279 --> 00:15:33,889
Yes, Violet,
405
00:15:33,976 --> 00:15:35,847
I know we'll have to go
to a different bridal shop.
406
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:37,849
Thanks.
407
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:39,677
Love you, too.
408
00:15:39,764 --> 00:15:40,765
She's cool?
409
00:15:40,852 --> 00:15:42,289
Yeah, she's got this weird
410
00:15:42,376 --> 00:15:43,638
forgiving streak.
411
00:15:43,725 --> 00:15:45,814
I have no idea
where it came from.
412
00:15:45,901 --> 00:15:47,337
Skips a generation.
413
00:15:47,424 --> 00:15:48,643
Really?
414
00:15:48,730 --> 00:15:49,992
You want to do this again?
415
00:15:50,079 --> 00:15:52,995
I'm sorry. Namaste.
416
00:15:53,082 --> 00:15:55,650
You know,
I've been thinking,
417
00:15:55,737 --> 00:15:57,521
maybe what you're doing--
going back to college
418
00:15:57,608 --> 00:15:59,001
and everything--
419
00:15:59,088 --> 00:16:00,568
maybe that can be
an inspiration for me.
420
00:16:00,655 --> 00:16:01,525
How so?
421
00:16:01,612 --> 00:16:02,526
Maybe I'm capable
422
00:16:02,613 --> 00:16:04,093
of doing more in this world
423
00:16:04,180 --> 00:16:06,226
than fixing washing machines
and trapping mice.
424
00:16:06,313 --> 00:16:07,618
I know you are.
425
00:16:07,705 --> 00:16:10,404
The key is figuring
out what that is.
426
00:16:10,491 --> 00:16:13,059
Well, why don't
we narrow it down?
427
00:16:13,146 --> 00:16:14,190
What are you really good at?
428
00:16:14,277 --> 00:16:16,279
Um, let's see.
429
00:16:16,366 --> 00:16:20,066
I'm smart, I'm personable,
430
00:16:20,153 --> 00:16:23,765
I'm... really good at tricking
people into liking me.
431
00:16:23,852 --> 00:16:26,202
That's because
you're a fantastic liar.
432
00:16:26,289 --> 00:16:28,639
Never made a promise
I didn't break.
433
00:16:28,726 --> 00:16:30,859
So true.
434
00:16:30,946 --> 00:16:32,295
I'm still waiting
for those roller skates
435
00:16:32,382 --> 00:16:33,340
for my sixth birthday.
436
00:16:33,427 --> 00:16:34,906
They're on the way.
437
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,518
Don't forget
you're a control freak.
438
00:16:37,605 --> 00:16:39,650
Mm, despite having
no real skills,
439
00:16:39,737 --> 00:16:41,913
I love telling people
what they're doing wrong.
440
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:44,481
And you have a very healthy ego.
441
00:16:44,568 --> 00:16:47,223
Ah, I may not be much,
but I am all I think about.
442
00:16:47,310 --> 00:16:50,096
So, where does that leave us?
443
00:16:50,183 --> 00:16:51,706
[sighs]
444
00:16:51,793 --> 00:16:53,099
I think it's pretty obvious.
445
00:16:54,187 --> 00:16:56,406
BOTH:
Politics.
446
00:16:59,496 --> 00:17:01,368
["Hail to the Chief" plays]
447
00:17:03,065 --> 00:17:04,327
Morning, Madam President.
448
00:17:04,414 --> 00:17:05,763
Morning, Robert.
How's the country today?
449
00:17:05,850 --> 00:17:07,026
It's still there, ma'am.
450
00:17:07,113 --> 00:17:08,288
Excellent, and the
other countries?
451
00:17:08,375 --> 00:17:09,941
All present
and accounted for.
452
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,639
Great. Where are we on
getting my face on a stamp?
453
00:17:11,726 --> 00:17:12,988
Do you really want people
454
00:17:13,075 --> 00:17:14,337
licking the back
of your head, ma'am?
455
00:17:14,424 --> 00:17:15,773
Good point.
Let's put me on money.
456
00:17:15,860 --> 00:17:17,558
Ah, what denomination
did you have in mind?
457
00:17:17,645 --> 00:17:19,516
I've been sober awhile,
do people still snort coke
458
00:17:19,603 --> 00:17:20,604
with hundred dollar bills?
459
00:17:20,691 --> 00:17:21,649
Yes, I believe they do.
460
00:17:21,736 --> 00:17:22,911
Then there's your answer.
461
00:17:22,998 --> 00:17:23,955
You can use
my Tinder picture.
462
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:25,348
Ah, the one
with the tube top.
463
00:17:25,435 --> 00:17:27,481
Excellent choice.
464
00:17:27,568 --> 00:17:29,091
By the way,
where are we going?
465
00:17:29,178 --> 00:17:30,484
I don't know,
you're the president,
466
00:17:30,571 --> 00:17:31,572
I was following you.
467
00:17:31,659 --> 00:17:32,790
Oh.
468
00:17:32,877 --> 00:17:34,618
Should we sit
down and talk?
469
00:17:34,705 --> 00:17:37,143
Oh, God, no, conversations
always seem much more
470
00:17:37,230 --> 00:17:38,274
interesting
when you're walking.
471
00:17:38,361 --> 00:17:39,275
Really?
472
00:17:39,362 --> 00:17:40,668
Yes, watch.
473
00:17:40,755 --> 00:17:42,191
Have you given more thought
474
00:17:42,278 --> 00:17:44,367
to your nomination
to the Supreme Court?
475
00:17:44,454 --> 00:17:46,456
You're right, this is boring,
let's keep walking.
476
00:17:46,543 --> 00:17:48,110
So, Supreme Court.
477
00:17:48,197 --> 00:17:49,546
Right.
478
00:17:49,633 --> 00:17:50,939
I guess I'll never
hear the end of it
479
00:17:51,026 --> 00:17:51,809
if I don't nominate
my daughter.
480
00:17:51,896 --> 00:17:52,680
Thanks, Mom.
481
00:17:52,767 --> 00:17:53,507
You're welcome.
482
00:17:53,594 --> 00:17:54,812
Maybe now she'll shut up
483
00:17:54,899 --> 00:17:55,726
about those freaking
roller skates.
484
00:17:55,813 --> 00:17:57,424
Not likely, Ma'am.
485
00:18:02,385 --> 00:18:04,996
That smile scares me.
486
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,650
It should.
32940
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