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1
00:00:03,307 --> 00:00:04,787
Previously onMom...I just found out
my teenage daughter is pregnant.
2
00:00:04,874 --> 00:00:07,703
Really?
Wow.
3
00:00:07,790 --> 00:00:10,706
She's not a cheerleader
with an overbite, is she?
4
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,926
No, why?
5
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:17,060
No reason.
6
00:00:17,147 --> 00:00:20,759
I love you and
I'm gonna love your baby.
7
00:00:21,804 --> 00:00:22,935
It's our baby.
8
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:26,548
What?
9
00:00:28,941 --> 00:00:30,856
I'm sorry, I got
a lot on my mind.
10
00:00:30,943 --> 00:00:33,120
Well, I'm a good listener.
11
00:00:33,207 --> 00:00:35,252
A penny for your thoughts?
12
00:00:35,339 --> 00:00:38,081
Okay, fine. How's this?
13
00:00:38,168 --> 00:00:41,128
I'm working my ass off so I
can take care of my children,
14
00:00:41,215 --> 00:00:43,956
I just found out I'm gonna
be a freaking grandma,
15
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,697
and the man that
I'm sleeping with
16
00:00:45,784 --> 00:00:47,134
only has time for me when
his wife is out of town,
17
00:00:47,221 --> 00:00:48,135
and I desperately want
18
00:00:48,222 --> 00:00:49,571
to run away from it all
19
00:00:49,658 --> 00:00:51,312
with a bottle of this,
but I can't
20
00:00:51,399 --> 00:00:52,748
because my name is Christy
and I'm an alcoholic.
21
00:00:52,835 --> 00:00:55,707
Hola,Christy.
22
00:00:57,535 --> 00:00:58,841
[sighs]
23
00:00:58,928 --> 00:01:00,234
Are we ready to order?
24
00:01:00,321 --> 00:01:01,539
Yeah, I think so.
25
00:01:01,626 --> 00:01:02,627
Sis?
26
00:01:02,714 --> 00:01:03,976
You go first.
27
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:05,804
Thanks for putting
me on the spot.
28
00:01:05,891 --> 00:01:07,980
My sister does this
to me all the time.
29
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,157
[growls]
30
00:01:10,244 --> 00:01:12,637
Okay.
31
00:01:12,724 --> 00:01:13,595
Family, huh?
32
00:01:13,682 --> 00:01:15,205
Yep.
Yeah.
33
00:01:15,292 --> 00:01:16,511
Okay, let's see.
34
00:01:16,598 --> 00:01:18,382
I would like the
scallop risotto
35
00:01:18,469 --> 00:01:19,557
since I am not allergic to
shellfish, unlike my sister.
36
00:01:19,644 --> 00:01:20,602
[clears throat]
37
00:01:22,865 --> 00:01:24,910
Idiot.
38
00:01:24,997 --> 00:01:25,998
Good choice.
39
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:27,348
Thanks, yeah.
40
00:01:27,435 --> 00:01:29,698
We're celebrating
her divorce.
41
00:01:29,785 --> 00:01:30,916
Now we're both single.
42
00:01:33,136 --> 00:01:36,835
I hope my son and daughter
can be there for each other
43
00:01:36,922 --> 00:01:38,010
when their spouses
inevitably turn on them.
44
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,578
Oh, you have
children.
45
00:01:40,665 --> 00:01:42,145
I love children.
46
00:01:42,232 --> 00:01:43,103
I-I believe
they're our future.
47
00:01:45,583 --> 00:01:47,107
So, how about you?
48
00:01:47,194 --> 00:01:48,891
Do, do you have a spouse
who turned on you?
49
00:01:48,978 --> 00:01:50,458
Oh, yeah, lot of hard feelings.
50
00:01:50,545 --> 00:01:52,068
Ah, terrific.
Wow.
51
00:01:54,244 --> 00:01:55,115
Can I grab you
for just a sec?
52
00:01:55,202 --> 00:01:58,640
I'll be right back.
53
00:01:58,727 --> 00:02:01,338
He probably needs me to open up
a jar of pickles or something.
54
00:02:02,687 --> 00:02:03,035
Okay, well, bye.
55
00:02:06,691 --> 00:02:07,649
Was that guy hitting on you?
56
00:02:07,736 --> 00:02:10,347
Yeah, he absolutely was.
57
00:02:10,434 --> 00:02:11,696
Thought so.
58
00:02:11,783 --> 00:02:13,263
I'll ask Richard
to take the table.
59
00:02:13,350 --> 00:02:15,004
Why?I don't want him bothering you.
60
00:02:15,091 --> 00:02:16,092
He's not.
61
00:02:16,179 --> 00:02:18,181
Is he bothering you?
62
00:02:18,268 --> 00:02:20,009
No, I'm just protective of you
63
00:02:20,096 --> 00:02:22,925
'cause you and I have,
you know, something special
64
00:02:23,012 --> 00:02:25,580
going on.
65
00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:26,058
Yeah, it's
called adultery.
66
00:02:29,845 --> 00:02:31,107
Why do you make it sound
so cheap and ugly?
67
00:02:31,194 --> 00:02:34,458
Oh, I'm sorry.
68
00:02:34,545 --> 00:02:36,199
Unicorns, rainbows, you're
cheating on your wife.
69
00:02:40,247 --> 00:02:42,205
I told you
they were doing it.
70
00:02:46,209 --> 00:02:47,993
And another thing--
71
00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:50,822
you have no right to tell me
who I can and cannot see.
72
00:02:50,909 --> 00:02:51,823
What are you saying?
73
00:02:51,910 --> 00:02:52,998
We're not monogamous?
74
00:02:54,957 --> 00:02:56,828
Gabriel, you're married.
75
00:02:56,915 --> 00:02:58,221
We do it once a month,
76
00:02:58,308 --> 00:03:00,267
and I don't even
take off my T-shirt.
77
00:03:04,619 --> 00:03:06,534
Let me make it
simple for you.
78
00:03:06,621 --> 00:03:09,189
All of this stuff
here is in play.
79
00:03:14,106 --> 00:03:17,719
[exclaiming
indistinctly]
80
00:03:23,290 --> 00:03:25,205
Oh, that's good thinking.
81
00:03:25,292 --> 00:03:26,641
Uh, Gabriel,
82
00:03:26,728 --> 00:03:28,295
Paul and I would like you
to give us money
83
00:03:28,382 --> 00:03:31,080
not to tell your wife
you're banging Christy.
84
00:03:34,518 --> 00:03:37,086
A lot of money.
85
00:03:39,610 --> 00:03:40,872
Hey, sis, look
who's back.
86
00:03:40,959 --> 00:03:42,439
Give it a rest.
87
00:03:42,526 --> 00:03:43,353
So, what's the deal
with your brother?
88
00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:44,267
Good guy, whack job?
89
00:03:44,354 --> 00:03:46,574
Give it to me straight.
90
00:03:46,661 --> 00:03:48,271
I'm a single mom and I
don't have a lot of time.
91
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,317
He's amazing.
92
00:03:50,404 --> 00:03:52,493
I'd go out with him, you know,
93
00:03:52,580 --> 00:03:54,538
if it didn't make us
hillbillies.
94
00:03:56,192 --> 00:03:58,716
All right.
95
00:03:58,803 --> 00:04:00,805
I'll write my phone number
on the check.
96
00:04:00,892 --> 00:04:02,677
Hold on a second.
97
00:04:02,764 --> 00:04:04,244
What makes you think I was
even trying to ask you out?
98
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:07,203
You weren't?
99
00:04:07,290 --> 00:04:09,858
Oh, uh, this is,
this is awkward.
100
00:04:09,945 --> 00:04:11,425
Let me get you a new server.
101
00:04:11,512 --> 00:04:13,209
Wait, now, I was just
trying to be cool.
102
00:04:17,213 --> 00:04:19,259
Mission accomplished.
103
00:04:37,973 --> 00:04:39,801
This is a cute top.
104
00:04:39,888 --> 00:04:43,021
Oh, that's actually a party
dress from my drinking days.
105
00:04:43,108 --> 00:04:44,371
Wow.
106
00:04:44,458 --> 00:04:45,720
Were you drinking
when you bought it?
107
00:04:46,808 --> 00:04:48,853
I hope so.
108
00:04:48,940 --> 00:04:50,290
Anyway,
it doesn't matter,
109
00:04:50,377 --> 00:04:51,856
I'm not that kind
of girl anymore.
110
00:04:51,943 --> 00:04:53,597
Hello.
111
00:04:53,684 --> 00:04:54,729
What kind of girl were
you when you wore this?
112
00:04:56,731 --> 00:04:57,819
Popular.
113
00:04:59,864 --> 00:05:01,736
Oh, my God, I hate
114
00:05:01,823 --> 00:05:03,303
everything in my closet.
115
00:05:03,390 --> 00:05:07,655
It all looks like Halloween
in Slutsylvania.
116
00:05:07,742 --> 00:05:10,832
Calm down,
we'll find something.
117
00:05:10,919 --> 00:05:12,616
Okay, so tell me
about this guy tonight.
118
00:05:12,703 --> 00:05:14,966
[groans]
I don't know.
119
00:05:15,053 --> 00:05:19,319
Cute, kind of boyish...
pretty normal really.
120
00:05:19,406 --> 00:05:22,626
You just described
every serial killer.
121
00:05:22,713 --> 00:05:25,803
No, he loves his sister,
which I take as a good sign.
122
00:05:25,890 --> 00:05:28,632
Boing, my gay-dar just went off.
123
00:05:28,719 --> 00:05:29,807
He's not gay.
124
00:05:29,894 --> 00:05:32,593
He puts ketchup on his steak.
125
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:34,116
I don't get
126
00:05:34,203 --> 00:05:35,552
what you're so jittery about.
127
00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:37,032
You know how to do this.
128
00:05:37,119 --> 00:05:38,990
I know how to do this drunk.
129
00:05:39,077 --> 00:05:41,210
Come on, you've been dating
your boss since you got sober.
130
00:05:41,297 --> 00:05:44,126
[groans]
You can't call
what we do dating.
131
00:05:44,213 --> 00:05:47,651
It's just sex
in uncomfortable places.
132
00:05:47,738 --> 00:05:50,219
I hope you mean broom closets.
133
00:05:50,306 --> 00:05:52,700
Yes.
134
00:05:52,787 --> 00:05:54,919
Oh, Mom, God.
135
00:05:57,313 --> 00:05:59,968
The point is,
136
00:06:00,055 --> 00:06:02,318
Gabriel's married,
so there's no future with him.
137
00:06:02,405 --> 00:06:04,451
But this guy tonight, who knows?
138
00:06:04,538 --> 00:06:08,106
We could wind up with
a little house, picket fence,
139
00:06:08,193 --> 00:06:11,545
missionary sex twice a week.
140
00:06:11,632 --> 00:06:13,198
You know, I had sex
with a missionary once
141
00:06:13,285 --> 00:06:16,376
and oddly he was not
a fan of that position.
142
00:06:17,420 --> 00:06:20,423
Thank you for that image.
143
00:06:20,510 --> 00:06:22,817
I'm just worried that if he
finds out the kind of person
144
00:06:22,904 --> 00:06:24,296
I was, he won't like me.
145
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:25,428
Oh, honey.
146
00:06:25,515 --> 00:06:26,647
I know, it's silly.
147
00:06:26,734 --> 00:06:28,257
It's not silly--
148
00:06:28,344 --> 00:06:30,564
you should definitely
lie about your past.
149
00:06:30,651 --> 00:06:31,565
What?
150
00:06:31,652 --> 00:06:33,001
Yeah, sometimes I like
151
00:06:33,088 --> 00:06:34,306
to tell guys
I'm Carole Anne Stevenson
152
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:36,526
from Albuquerque, New Mexico.
153
00:06:36,613 --> 00:06:38,528
You're kidding.
154
00:06:38,615 --> 00:06:40,138
Nope, Carole's a schoolteacher
155
00:06:40,225 --> 00:06:41,662
like her mother
and her Aunt Judy.
156
00:06:41,749 --> 00:06:43,272
She loves baking and gardening
157
00:06:43,359 --> 00:06:45,666
and volunteering
down at the homeless shelter.
158
00:06:45,753 --> 00:06:49,409
Now tell me about this.
159
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:52,847
That's actually yours.
160
00:06:56,981 --> 00:07:00,071
Are you taking the prenatal
vitamins we got you?
161
00:07:00,158 --> 00:07:01,638
Uh-huh.
162
00:07:01,725 --> 00:07:02,639
Did you stop smoking
pot and drinking?
163
00:07:02,726 --> 00:07:03,640
Of course.
164
00:07:03,727 --> 00:07:04,641
Don't bite my head off.
165
00:07:04,728 --> 00:07:06,861
Not everybody does.
166
00:07:06,948 --> 00:07:08,906
[sighs]
167
00:07:08,993 --> 00:07:12,432
Thanks for looking
after Roscoe tonight.
168
00:07:12,519 --> 00:07:13,911
Yeah, whatever.
169
00:07:13,998 --> 00:07:15,870
You're really wearing that
on a date?
170
00:07:17,654 --> 00:07:19,569
What's wrong with it?
171
00:07:19,656 --> 00:07:22,137
You look
like a slutty highlighter.
172
00:07:24,008 --> 00:07:25,967
You know what?
173
00:07:26,054 --> 00:07:27,925
I think I look great,
and that's all that matters.
174
00:07:29,971 --> 00:07:31,059
Where are you going?
175
00:07:31,146 --> 00:07:33,453
Where do you think? To change.
176
00:07:35,367 --> 00:07:36,238
Why are you being such a bitch?
177
00:07:36,325 --> 00:07:38,066
I'm just being honest.
178
00:07:38,153 --> 00:07:39,502
Good, I'll be honest, too.
179
00:07:39,589 --> 00:07:40,851
You're being a bitch.
180
00:07:41,983 --> 00:07:43,332
And I use that word
181
00:07:43,419 --> 00:07:45,116
instead of the word
I want to use
182
00:07:45,203 --> 00:07:46,944
because you're my granddaughter
and I love you.
183
00:07:47,031 --> 00:07:48,859
What, so I'm supposed
to make a big deal
184
00:07:48,946 --> 00:07:52,428
just because she's going out
with some random guy?
185
00:07:52,515 --> 00:07:54,561
Excuse me, young lady,
but your mother going out
186
00:07:54,648 --> 00:07:58,695
with some random guy is
the only reason you exist.
187
00:07:58,782 --> 00:08:00,088
And I'll tell you
another thing--
188
00:08:00,175 --> 00:08:01,785
if she doesn't
meet somebody,
189
00:08:01,872 --> 00:08:03,308
she's going to turn
into one of those
190
00:08:03,395 --> 00:08:04,440
crazy old ladies with 20 cats
191
00:08:04,527 --> 00:08:06,050
who lives with their daughter.
192
00:08:06,137 --> 00:08:07,399
You're going to be chasing her
down the street,
193
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,489
trying to pin her robe shut.
194
00:08:11,012 --> 00:08:12,796
[sighs]
195
00:08:12,883 --> 00:08:13,841
Better?
196
00:08:13,928 --> 00:08:14,842
Ugh.
197
00:08:14,929 --> 00:08:17,627
Damn it.
198
00:08:18,585 --> 00:08:19,499
Mom, wait.
199
00:08:19,586 --> 00:08:21,675
What?
200
00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:22,980
Why don't you try on
that black dress in my closet?
201
00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:25,722
I think it'll look cute on you.
202
00:08:25,809 --> 00:08:28,203
Thank you.
203
00:08:28,290 --> 00:08:31,554
Well, look at you
being a nice person.
204
00:08:31,641 --> 00:08:33,208
I'll tell you what.
205
00:08:33,295 --> 00:08:34,818
As a reward, why don't you go
out with Luke tonight
206
00:08:34,905 --> 00:08:36,211
and I'll watch Roscoe?
207
00:08:36,298 --> 00:08:37,691
You don't have plans?
208
00:08:37,778 --> 00:08:39,301
Nah, at my age,
when you've had sex
209
00:08:39,388 --> 00:08:39,910
in the afternoon,
you're good for the whole day.
210
00:08:45,742 --> 00:08:46,830
[sighs]
211
00:08:46,917 --> 00:08:48,092
[both chuckle]
212
00:08:52,009 --> 00:08:53,794
If our waitress is cute,
213
00:08:53,881 --> 00:08:55,752
it's totally okay
to say I'm your sister.
214
00:08:55,839 --> 00:08:57,711
[chuckles]
215
00:08:57,798 --> 00:08:59,843
No, I'm good.
216
00:08:59,930 --> 00:09:01,541
Have you ever eaten here before?
217
00:09:01,628 --> 00:09:02,759
No, I haven't.
218
00:09:02,846 --> 00:09:03,891
[chuckles]
219
00:09:03,978 --> 00:09:04,892
How about you?
220
00:09:04,979 --> 00:09:05,936
No.
221
00:09:06,023 --> 00:09:07,329
Ah, look at us.
222
00:09:07,416 --> 00:09:08,504
We already have something
in common.
223
00:09:08,591 --> 00:09:09,505
[chuckles]
224
00:09:09,592 --> 00:09:11,376
Yeah.
225
00:09:11,463 --> 00:09:13,204
So, what do you do?
226
00:09:13,291 --> 00:09:15,729
Oh, yeah, I'm,
I'm a civil engineer.
227
00:09:15,816 --> 00:09:16,773
Wow.
228
00:09:16,860 --> 00:09:18,035
Yeah.
229
00:09:18,122 --> 00:09:20,124
I have no idea why I said wow
230
00:09:20,211 --> 00:09:21,996
'cause I don't know
what that is.
231
00:09:22,083 --> 00:09:24,041
Oh, okay, uh,
232
00:09:24,128 --> 00:09:25,695
well, today,
for instance,
233
00:09:25,782 --> 00:09:27,305
the city decided that it
needed a new stoplight,
234
00:09:27,392 --> 00:09:29,743
so it's my job to go
over all the contracts
235
00:09:29,830 --> 00:09:31,005
with the stoplight
manufacturers
236
00:09:31,092 --> 00:09:32,876
and just get
the best price
237
00:09:32,963 --> 00:09:36,401
for the s-stoplight.
238
00:09:38,403 --> 00:09:41,493
That sounds crazy.
239
00:09:42,494 --> 00:09:44,105
No, it's pretty boring.
240
00:09:44,192 --> 00:09:46,411
No, no, no, it's not.
241
00:09:46,498 --> 00:09:49,197
From now on, every time
I stop at a red light,
242
00:09:49,284 --> 00:09:50,415
I'll think of you.
243
00:09:50,502 --> 00:09:53,027
Oh, so th-that'll be often.
244
00:09:53,114 --> 00:09:55,420
Not really, I tend to just
blow right through 'em.
245
00:09:58,641 --> 00:10:00,338
Good evening, folks.
246
00:10:00,425 --> 00:10:02,297
Can I start you off
with a cocktail or some wine?
247
00:10:02,384 --> 00:10:02,993
Yes, would you like a drink?
248
00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:05,822
No, thank you.
249
00:10:05,909 --> 00:10:07,258
Ah, come on,
live a little.
250
00:10:07,345 --> 00:10:09,957
Oh, you can live a little
for both of us.
251
00:10:10,044 --> 00:10:11,349
No, don't be silly.
252
00:10:11,436 --> 00:10:12,655
Glass of wine
never hurt anyone.
253
00:10:12,742 --> 00:10:14,048
Oh, boy.
254
00:10:15,179 --> 00:10:17,355
I don't drink--
255
00:10:17,442 --> 00:10:19,575
not because I don't want to
but because I can't.
256
00:10:19,662 --> 00:10:21,490
It wrecked my life,
it destroyed my relationships,
257
00:10:21,577 --> 00:10:23,100
and I'm still picking up
the pieces,
258
00:10:23,187 --> 00:10:24,798
but if you want a glass
of wine, you go right ahead.
259
00:10:24,885 --> 00:10:25,799
Won't bother me at all.
260
00:10:25,886 --> 00:10:27,714
I'm his sister.
261
00:10:32,980 --> 00:10:34,590
So once I finally
quit drinking, I had
262
00:10:34,677 --> 00:10:36,461
all these feelings come up,
and I didn't know
263
00:10:36,548 --> 00:10:38,376
how to deal with them,
so I started eating.
264
00:10:38,463 --> 00:10:40,117
Every night after work
I'd come home,
265
00:10:40,204 --> 00:10:42,990
I'd take a bag of
salt-and-vinegar potato chips,
266
00:10:43,077 --> 00:10:45,079
I'd hit it with a book
so it was just crumbs,
267
00:10:45,166 --> 00:10:47,255
and I'd mix it with a pint
of vanilla ice cream.
268
00:10:47,342 --> 00:10:49,083
I gained 18 pounds in,
like, a month.
269
00:10:49,170 --> 00:10:51,259
Then in the middle of the night,
I woke up and I thought
270
00:10:51,346 --> 00:10:52,826
I had a cat on my lap--
looked down
271
00:10:52,913 --> 00:10:54,566
turns out it was my own stomach.
272
00:11:00,964 --> 00:11:03,358
I don't think I can do this.
273
00:11:09,451 --> 00:11:12,236
It's our first date.
274
00:11:16,110 --> 00:11:18,895
Okay, you've got an eight,
and I give you...
275
00:11:18,982 --> 00:11:20,984
a seven--
how many is that?
276
00:11:21,071 --> 00:11:21,724
Fifteen.
277
00:11:21,811 --> 00:11:23,465
Very good.
278
00:11:23,552 --> 00:11:27,295
Now, the house is
showing a face card.
279
00:11:27,382 --> 00:11:28,426
And you're the house.
280
00:11:28,513 --> 00:11:30,777
Yes, I am.
281
00:11:30,864 --> 00:11:32,779
How much you want to bet?
282
00:11:33,867 --> 00:11:34,694
All of it.
283
00:11:34,781 --> 00:11:37,827
On a 15. Interesting.
284
00:11:39,611 --> 00:11:42,223
Ooh! Another eight.
How many is that?
285
00:11:42,310 --> 00:11:44,268
Twenty-three?
286
00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:46,009
But the name of the game is...?
287
00:11:46,096 --> 00:11:47,141
"Twenty-One."
288
00:11:47,228 --> 00:11:49,709
Exactly.
289
00:11:49,796 --> 00:11:52,146
Thanks for
watching Roscoe.
290
00:11:52,233 --> 00:11:53,669
We'll see you later.Hey, hang on.
291
00:11:58,761 --> 00:12:01,546
You listen to me, teen Jesus...
292
00:12:04,462 --> 00:12:08,640
I want my granddaughter back
by 11:00 with her hymen intact.
293
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:10,730
What?!
294
00:12:12,035 --> 00:12:13,733
I'm just screwing with you.
295
00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:16,518
You already knocked her up;
do whatever you want.
296
00:12:16,605 --> 00:12:19,695
I know that was supposed
to be funny,
297
00:12:19,782 --> 00:12:21,741
but I peed myself a little.
298
00:12:24,569 --> 00:12:28,051
Sorry, sir, only
players at the table.
299
00:12:28,138 --> 00:12:30,097
I want to play more blackjack.
300
00:12:30,184 --> 00:12:31,620
Okay. Ante up.
301
00:12:31,707 --> 00:12:34,144
I can't. I don't
have any more money.
302
00:12:34,231 --> 00:12:35,145
No money?
303
00:12:35,232 --> 00:12:38,801
Or no money onyou?
304
00:12:38,888 --> 00:12:40,847
I have some in my piggy bank.
305
00:12:40,934 --> 00:12:44,546
Well, it's not doing you
any good in there, is it?
306
00:12:45,677 --> 00:12:46,722
Be right back.
307
00:12:48,593 --> 00:12:51,596
Wait'll I teach him
how to play pai gow.
308
00:12:56,297 --> 00:12:59,474
Oh, God, I'm gonna die alone.
309
00:13:04,131 --> 00:13:05,654
Please let it be now.
310
00:13:05,741 --> 00:13:07,830
Open the door.
311
00:13:07,917 --> 00:13:08,526
[groans]
312
00:13:08,613 --> 00:13:10,746
Damn it!
313
00:13:15,142 --> 00:13:17,144
Hey. Hope you're hungry,
'cause I...
314
00:13:17,231 --> 00:13:20,147
brought us dinner.What? How?
315
00:13:20,234 --> 00:13:21,496
As I was chasing you
out of the restaurant,
316
00:13:21,583 --> 00:13:23,541
I bought a guy's to-go order.Really?
317
00:13:23,628 --> 00:13:26,588
Yeah.That's so adorable.
318
00:13:26,675 --> 00:13:29,547
And/or... desperate.
319
00:13:29,634 --> 00:13:32,115
Well, let's go with adorable.
320
00:13:32,202 --> 00:13:33,987
'Cause I really
want you to like me.
321
00:13:34,074 --> 00:13:36,293
[laughs]Okay, let's see what
we're having for dinner.
322
00:13:36,380 --> 00:13:38,121
This looks like
some kind of chicken.
323
00:13:38,208 --> 00:13:39,906
Ooh, I love some
kind of chicken.
324
00:13:39,993 --> 00:13:42,212
Yeah? Okay, okay.
325
00:13:42,299 --> 00:13:45,955
And I have a pasta--
looks like, uh, Bolognese.
326
00:13:46,042 --> 00:13:47,261
Ooh, I like that, too!
327
00:13:47,348 --> 00:13:49,524
You want to switch?No, no, no.
328
00:13:49,611 --> 00:13:53,267
Well, yeah.Yeah. Okay.
329
00:13:53,354 --> 00:13:54,703
Wow.
330
00:13:54,790 --> 00:13:56,705
Uh-oh, no,
there are no utensils.
331
00:13:56,792 --> 00:14:00,752
Oh. Check the glove compartment.
332
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,016
I eat in my car a lot.[chuckles]
333
00:14:03,103 --> 00:14:04,756
[glove compartment clicks open]Oh.
334
00:14:05,757 --> 00:14:07,237
Ooh.
335
00:14:07,324 --> 00:14:08,195
Fancy.
336
00:14:11,589 --> 00:14:12,852
Okay, time for bed.
337
00:14:12,939 --> 00:14:14,723
I'll tell you what,
just to show you
338
00:14:14,810 --> 00:14:17,160
how much we appreciate
your business,
339
00:14:17,247 --> 00:14:19,684
we're gonna comp your room.
340
00:14:19,771 --> 00:14:22,774
Come on, just one more game.
341
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,472
Well, sorry, buddy,
but you're broke.
342
00:14:24,559 --> 00:14:26,691
Well, um, how about
if you lend me five dollars
343
00:14:26,778 --> 00:14:29,781
and I'll pay you back
when I win?
344
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:30,957
Oh, sweetheart,
you're gonna grow up
345
00:14:31,044 --> 00:14:33,829
and make some
nice lady so sad.
346
00:14:36,136 --> 00:14:38,094
[knocking on door]
347
00:14:38,181 --> 00:14:39,966
How about if I sell you my iPod?
348
00:14:40,053 --> 00:14:42,055
That might work.
349
00:14:43,143 --> 00:14:44,535
Hey.
350
00:14:44,622 --> 00:14:45,623
What can I do for you, Baxter?
351
00:14:45,710 --> 00:14:47,060
Just came to see my kid.
352
00:14:47,147 --> 00:14:49,584
Hey, Dad, can you
lend me some money?
353
00:14:49,671 --> 00:14:53,588
That's so weird-- I was
gonna ask you the same thing.
354
00:14:53,675 --> 00:14:55,720
[siren blaring]
355
00:14:55,807 --> 00:14:58,767
I'm gonna hang
with you guys for a bit.
356
00:15:00,856 --> 00:15:04,120
Here's a question for you.Shoot.
357
00:15:04,207 --> 00:15:05,948
What's wrong with you that
you would chase a crazy lady
358
00:15:06,035 --> 00:15:09,038
out of a restaurant with a bag
of someone else's food?
359
00:15:09,125 --> 00:15:11,301
Why does something
have to be wrong with me
360
00:15:11,388 --> 00:15:12,650
for me to like you?
361
00:15:12,737 --> 00:15:15,175
Nice try.
Answer the question.
362
00:15:15,262 --> 00:15:17,438
No, seriously, I
thought we really made
a connection in there.
363
00:15:17,525 --> 00:15:18,787
Answer the question.
364
00:15:18,874 --> 00:15:21,833
Okay, uh...
365
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:24,749
well, I did just get out
of a relationship.
366
00:15:24,836 --> 00:15:26,490
That's what I'm talking about.
367
00:15:26,577 --> 00:15:27,927
Tell me about it.
368
00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:30,407
She-she was very nice. Sweet.
369
00:15:30,494 --> 00:15:33,062
No drama. Um...
370
00:15:33,149 --> 00:15:35,804
Her name wasn't
Carol Anne Stevenson, was it?
371
00:15:35,891 --> 00:15:37,458
Yeah, why?
372
00:15:37,545 --> 00:15:39,416
No reason. Continue.
373
00:15:39,503 --> 00:15:42,071
Anyway, uh, she was great,
but in all the time
374
00:15:42,158 --> 00:15:44,813
we were together, she never once
told me how she was feeling.
375
00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:48,730
Whereas you, literally,
can't stop telling me.
376
00:15:48,817 --> 00:15:51,211
I'm-I'm sorry.
I feel terrible.
377
00:15:51,298 --> 00:15:52,560
See? You just did it again.
378
00:15:52,647 --> 00:15:54,214
Okay, but in my defense,
379
00:15:54,301 --> 00:15:57,478
I am emotionally
all over the place.Oh, wow!
380
00:15:57,565 --> 00:15:59,480
There it is again.And I am dealing
381
00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:00,916
with a number of personal crises
382
00:16:01,003 --> 00:16:02,439
which you really
don't need to know about,
383
00:16:02,526 --> 00:16:04,137
but I feel like
I'm gonna tell you anyway.
384
00:16:04,224 --> 00:16:06,052
What is wrong with me?
Why can't I stop talking?
385
00:16:09,794 --> 00:16:12,145
Well, that shut me up.
386
00:16:18,586 --> 00:16:19,804
Nice.
387
00:16:19,891 --> 00:16:21,023
Yeah.
388
00:16:21,110 --> 00:16:22,677
Now what?
389
00:16:22,764 --> 00:16:26,028
Now you get out of my car.
390
00:16:26,115 --> 00:16:29,118
Why? I love it in here.
391
00:16:30,902 --> 00:16:32,600
I'm sorry.
392
00:16:32,687 --> 00:16:34,123
This is good, you're good,
393
00:16:34,210 --> 00:16:37,909
but I am clearly not ready
to start dating.
394
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,911
I wish I could disagree.
395
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:44,786
But I want you to know
that when I am...
396
00:16:44,873 --> 00:16:46,918
you are at the top of my list.
397
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:49,269
And the list
isn't very long.
398
00:16:49,356 --> 00:16:50,835
In fact, it's just you.
399
00:16:50,922 --> 00:16:51,749
[chuckles]:
Great.
400
00:16:58,321 --> 00:17:01,672
You're not as crazy
as you think you are.
401
00:17:01,759 --> 00:17:05,024
That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
402
00:17:06,982 --> 00:17:09,419
Run.
403
00:17:11,247 --> 00:17:12,857
What do you want to do
with that soft 19?
404
00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:15,512
I'll hold.
405
00:17:15,599 --> 00:17:17,384
Hold? What's that?
406
00:17:18,733 --> 00:17:20,691
BAXTER:
It means you have
407
00:17:20,778 --> 00:17:23,607
a number you like, and you're
not gonna take any more cards.
408
00:17:28,351 --> 00:17:28,873
You can hold?
409
00:17:31,963 --> 00:17:34,096
[doorbell rings]I'll get it.
410
00:17:34,183 --> 00:17:36,664
[quietly]:
I was never here.
411
00:17:38,361 --> 00:17:39,493
You can hold?!
412
00:17:42,148 --> 00:17:44,193
Oh. Hi. Is-is Christy here?
413
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:45,499
Who might be asking?
414
00:17:45,586 --> 00:17:46,587
Um, I work with her.
415
00:17:46,674 --> 00:17:47,936
Oh. You must be her boss.
416
00:17:48,023 --> 00:17:49,981
I am.You leave your wife yet?
417
00:17:53,637 --> 00:17:55,161
No.
418
00:17:55,248 --> 00:17:56,945
Then I have no choice
but to inform you
419
00:17:57,032 --> 00:17:59,034
that she is out on a date
with a wealthy, educated,
420
00:17:59,121 --> 00:18:02,037
eligible bachelor who's got
a cannon between his legs.
421
00:18:05,258 --> 00:18:08,435
So her mom's not a fan.
422
00:18:08,522 --> 00:18:11,351
MAN [recorded]:
...by focusing on the positive,
423
00:18:11,438 --> 00:18:14,745
I attract only the best
into my life.
424
00:18:14,832 --> 00:18:17,096
By focusing on the positive...
425
00:18:17,183 --> 00:18:17,922
[shrieks]
426
00:18:18,009 --> 00:18:19,968
Oh, my God!
427
00:18:20,055 --> 00:18:22,188
[gasps]
428
00:18:22,275 --> 00:18:23,014
Oh!
429
00:18:24,973 --> 00:18:26,714
Are you okay?
430
00:18:26,801 --> 00:18:29,369
Uh, I think
you broke my foot.Oh...
431
00:18:29,456 --> 00:18:31,414
And maybe my nose.Oh!
432
00:18:31,501 --> 00:18:33,242
Sorry, sorry.
Okay, don't-don't move.
433
00:18:33,329 --> 00:18:34,852
I'm gonna call an ambulance.No, wait!
434
00:18:34,939 --> 00:18:37,942
My wife can't know I was here.
435
00:18:38,029 --> 00:18:41,207
Okay, well, um,
let's get you in the car,
436
00:18:41,294 --> 00:18:43,209
and I'll take you
to the emergency room.
437
00:18:44,645 --> 00:18:47,430
Ow! Ow! Careful.
438
00:18:47,517 --> 00:18:48,823
Careful.
439
00:18:48,910 --> 00:18:50,999
It... it, uh, hurts
pretty bad, huh?
440
00:18:51,086 --> 00:18:53,088
It's awful.
441
00:18:55,177 --> 00:18:57,048
Well, then this
probably isn't
442
00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:59,529
a great time to
say this, but...
443
00:18:59,616 --> 00:19:02,097
um, I don't think we should
see each other anymore.
444
00:19:02,184 --> 00:19:04,926
Wait, you're
breaking up with me?
445
00:19:06,101 --> 00:19:07,581
Why?!
446
00:19:07,668 --> 00:19:09,539
Well, uh...
447
00:19:09,626 --> 00:19:12,716
I found out something
about myself tonight.
448
00:19:12,803 --> 00:19:14,109
[sighs]: Um...
449
00:19:14,196 --> 00:19:16,590
I deserve to be
in a relationship
450
00:19:16,677 --> 00:19:18,853
with a man who...
I can hit with my car
451
00:19:18,940 --> 00:19:22,204
and... you know...
452
00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:23,901
not feel like I did
something wrong.
453
00:19:27,383 --> 00:19:29,994
Okay, uh...
454
00:19:30,081 --> 00:19:32,040
I'm not sure what
that means, but...
455
00:19:32,127 --> 00:19:33,476
[screams]What?!
456
00:19:33,563 --> 00:19:34,477
What?
457
00:19:34,564 --> 00:19:37,132
There's a fork in my ass!
458
00:19:44,705 --> 00:19:46,924
Knocky-knocky.Hi.
459
00:19:47,011 --> 00:19:48,404
How's your little boss?
460
00:19:48,491 --> 00:19:51,538
Oh, I broke his leg
and his nose.
461
00:19:51,625 --> 00:19:53,844
Admit it, it felt
pretty good, didn't it?
462
00:19:53,931 --> 00:19:56,107
No! No, no, no.
463
00:19:56,978 --> 00:19:59,502
A little bit.
464
00:19:59,589 --> 00:20:02,462
I got you a gift.
465
00:20:02,549 --> 00:20:04,377
Thanks.
What's the occasion?
466
00:20:04,464 --> 00:20:06,422
Well, I know you don't feel
ready to date for a while.
467
00:20:06,509 --> 00:20:09,643
I thought this might put
a little spring in your step.
468
00:20:09,730 --> 00:20:10,383
What is it?
469
00:20:11,471 --> 00:20:12,428
[vibrating]
470
00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:21,394
Thank you.
471
00:20:24,571 --> 00:20:27,138
Do you mind finishing
the dishes?
472
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,358
My pleasure.
I am such a good mother.
473
00:20:29,445 --> 00:20:30,533
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
474
00:20:30,620 --> 00:20:32,361
and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
475
00:20:32,448 --> 00:20:34,145
and TOYOTA.
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