All language subtitles for Clarksons.Farm.S05E06.WEB.H264-RBB.[TheRostrum.net]

As spring
continued to be gloriously warm

and with everything on the farm
still going well,

it was time for one of
my favourite jobs of the year.

Oh, I love doing this.
I just love this day.

G-dog!

Releasing the cows back into the fields

after their winter confinement.

- Come on, out you come.
- Hup.

You're free!

And this year's release
promised to be more joyous than ever.

It'll be fun letting the calves
out. We've never done that before.

No, not when they're that small.

No, we've never let a calf into a field.
They're gonna be so happy.

Lisa, if you stand... Literally,
hold the gate here like that, yeah?

And then you can hold between like this
and you'll become a fence.

- Fine.
- All you've gotta do is swing out.

My big worry is Endgame.

Last we had a conversation about him,

both Charlie and Kaleb were saying,

"Oh, well, he's done his work now,
we'll sell him or eat him."

Not a chance.

Go on, go on, go on!

We are not gonna eat you,
Endgame, don't you worry about that,

or sell you.

Go on, go on. Up you go.

Go on. Go on! Here we go!

Here we go! Out you come.

They're all out!

This is just heaven.

"What, this is all our playground?"

Look at them go!

Well, I thought
the trees were put along...

If it blows up,
we should go to the moon.

Yeah, exactly.

Elsewhere,
the EasyCare sheeps were, for once,

living up to their name,

shooting out lambs with no fuss at all.

I mean, how many lambs
have we got now? Sixty...

Ogh, 60,000 by the looks of it.

I think
we've got sixty-six lambs so far.

We have many lambs.

But we've lost only two,
which is astounding.

They are the self-cleaning oven
of sheeps, these.

Yeah.

They're amazing.

The whole point is this,
you know, triangular head

so that the lamb
can slither out of its...

vagina...

more easily.

"Birth passage".

Ooh, hello, something's coming out.

Yeah, something is now coming out.
There we go.

- There's something glistening.
- It is, yeah. It should be a lamb.

Well,
it's not gonna be a piglet, is it?

- Come on, push.
- Yeah.

You've got a head like a Toblerone,
it should come out very smoothly.

Oh no, it's out! It's out! It's out!

It's actually out!

Oh no, another one's coming, look.

- There's the second one.
- Oh, yes, I can see.

- Aw.
- Wiggling around.

Yeah.

OK, she's popped two out now.

All right, she's gonna
have to get up now

to offer her bosoms
to her new-born infants.

- All right?
- Two have come out.

OK.

I think she's stuck, isn't she?

No, she wants,
look, she's trying to get...

Yeah, she's stuck.
Are you gonna go and help her?

Just go and push her up, mate.

Right,
so all the lambs that have been born

we haven't had
to get involved in any of them.

The first one I decide to have a look at
and she needs a hand.

But she definitely does
'cause she's not...

Yeah, she's not getting up.

Oh no, there she is, and...

- Ooh! No, she's up. That did it.
- That yellow one.

That looks a bit stressed.

- Isn't yellow a sign of stress?
- Yeah, stress. It's adrenalin.

The first one comes flying out
and the second one was a bit behind.

Ooh, only about three minutes.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well.
Look how easy that is though, see?

- See?
- You do like these sheep, don't you?

This is my type of lambing,
lambing at a distance.

But the lamb births were nothing

compared to what was going on
in the snail shed.

Which had literally turned

into the set of a 1970s' porn film.

The rumpy-pumpy had been so prolific

that Lisa now had
thousands of new-born snails

living in the garden she'd created
in one of the polytunnels.

They are incredible.

Just that, like, white egg and suddenly
you got antennae, you've got shells.

You guys are amazing.

You have grown well.
You've grown beautifully.

Meanwhile, out in the fields,

Kaleb was doing
some variable-rate fertilising

and positively swooning

about our new hi-tech
crop management systems.

It tells me
I'm putting 140 kg on a hectare.

It fluctuates the whole thing for me,

opening and shuts the thing
as when needed.

This is awesome.

And thanks to the wonders
of my Mission Control centre,

I could boss him about
from the comfort of my office chair.

I'm farming,

in the same way those guys in Houston,
in Apollo 13, were astronauts

when they were sitting
watching the astronauts at work.

So here he is.

This is essentially
the dashboard of his tractor

appearing on one of my screens.

This is where he is,

as he applies the nitrogen fertiliser.

Er...

Flight Apollo Kaleb,
this is Houston Control.

Hello, mate.

That's not how astronauts talk.

Right, I have you at 140 kg per hectare

on my readout here.

What, are you logged into my tractor?

Certainly am.

I see you at 12 kilometres an hour.

Yeah, I'm going 12K 'cause this field
is the one that you ploughed.

The one that you fucked up,
can you remember?

That's not how you address
the head of Mission Control.

I am Ed Harris.

You will have some respect.

Apologies, sir. Over.

You don't have to say "apologies, sir."

Call me "Flight".

That's what you call

the man who sits
in the white waistcoat in Apollo 13.

Apologies, "Flight". Over.

And you don't say "over".

Course correction
coming up in approximately 20,

that's two zero, seconds.

Course correction in approximately...

I fucking love this machine.

Jim Lovell never said that.

Actually,
you know what I've just realised?

I actually love farming this way:
you sat in that office,

I'm out here doing stuff,

you're nowhere to be seen.

This is bliss!

He's forgotten to turn
this side of his fert spreader on, look.

Please tell me he continues to forget.

Look, he's got 150 going out one side;
nothing going out the other.

You might wanna turn
the left side of your fert spreader on.

No, my left side's on.
I'm about to put it on any second now.

The right side you mean.

Good job I reminded you.

Mate, you're driving
over a line you've already driven on.

I know, you fucking idiot.

Jesus!

Thank you, "Flight", over.

There you go, you see,
he's getting the hang of it now.

Sadly, on our new hi-tech farm,

one machine had been left behind.

Thanks to its never-ending list
of technical faults

coupled to the arrival of the AgBot,

the green Lambo hadn't turned a wheel
in weeks.

So, I decided to sell it.

We have about
260 tractors there, machinery...

- 260?
- Yeah, 260.

Which meant getting it valued
by an agricultural auctioneer.

It's a magnificent beast,
as you can see.

How many hours has it done?

Well, I bought it at 3,150.

And I think it's now up to 3,300.

So, you know,
it's a very low-mileage example.

- Yes.
- Erm...

- Sat nav.
- Sat nav.

Trelleborg tyres.

Air con obviously.

And if you wanna step in and have a look
to see if there's anything...

Er, what can you tell me about it?

I'll tell you anything you want.

- Can I start it up?
- Yeah, yeah.

Smooth. Powerful.

There's a... Erm.

- There's a couple of lights on there.
- Yeah, but they're minor.

Service alarm.

Yeah, it's a small alarm
that sometimes happens.

"Distributors not available".

What distributors?

OK, that's a new one.
Engine alarm coolant level.

It's beeping a lot now.

It could just be a loose wire
and cost 15p.

So, I'd be quite keen
to hear what you think

we'd get for it.

Not the easiest thing to sell
in the world, I'll be honest.

Er, but I would look somewhere in
the region between 50 and 60 thousand.

Hm...

Quite a lot less than I paid for it.

Why is it quite a lot less
than I paid for it?

Erm, what did you pay for it?

- Eighty.
- OK.

And I thought that was a bargain.

- Did you?
- Yes.

Erm... we could achieve a bit more

but I think we wanna set it
at a reasonable level.

What would you set it at?
Between 50 and 60...

- Yeah.
- It's quite a big gap.

Yeah, I would set it somewhere around 50
to be as competitive as possible.

- So not 60.50?
- Yes.

Having done a pretty poor
selling job on the auctioneer,

I went to the pub to meet Nick the chef.

I mean, I'm hoping it's...

Because I wanted to host a dare night

where we'd serve food that people
wouldn't normally want to eat.

And initially, I did
a pretty poor job of selling that too.

There are issues with it.

The main issue is that,
like, the pub is busy,

it serves 6 to 700 people a day, and
it serves them with food that they like,

and what you're proposing
is that we'll serve fewer people

with food that they don't like.

- That's one way of looking at it.
- Mmm.

It's the way of looking at it.
It's specifically what you want to do.

- Well, okay...
- It can be done.

It can be done.

- I really want to do it.
- Yeah.

I really want to do it,
'cause I just think

there's a lot of food
going to waste in this country...

And you are right, you are right.

That needn't, that needn't go to waste.

And also, I think it's important

particularly in light of the fact

that meat prices
are going through the roof.

Yeah, a lot of money.

There are cuts of meat
that are way cheaper than that.

And a lot of people
are being forced into vegetarianism,

erm, that don't need to be forced
into something that awful.

It's definitely doable.
Erm, I mean, we're gonna serve...

Erm, if it's a special event
like Goose Night,

then we'll probably have 120 seats max.

But can we just discuss the menu?

Just tell me, what can we have?

So, realistically, can you do
tripe in milk and onions?

We can do tripe.

Can you do sheep's heart?

We can do sheep's heart.

Have you ever cooked pig's ears?

Yeah.

Snails, we've gotta
do snails by the way,

'cause we've now got
quite a few of them at the farm.

We've just had 2,000 born.

How is a snail born?

They lay eggs. And the egg,
it's quite extraordinary to watch,

this little white egg, like caviar...

Hey, I tell you what,
you can actually eat the eggs.

We could call it "snail caviar".

- Yeah, a hundred percent.
- So, snail caviar we're good on.

We're looking at sheep's brains,
is that a step too far for you or not?

I've never had sheep's brains.

I wonder if you can take a
sheep's brain out and it's still alive?

- The laws of animal welfare...
- But you know what I mean, technically,

I don't think a sheep would notice
that its brain's come out

for a good month.

- So, brains...
- Yeah.

Tripe and onions, snail caviar.

Yeah, fantastic.

Could we do bat?

Eating bats didn't see us well
a few years ago, did they?

True. That got bad PR...

As the spring days ticked by,

our crops began to fill out nicely.

But over in the onion
and beetroot field...

Still the smartest field
in the Cotswolds, this.

Yeah.

The growth was a little harder to spot.

Yeah, look, there.

- Oh, that little green thing?
- Yeah, that's a weed.

- Oh.
- OK.

There's the red beet, look, there
it is. Can you see how small it is?

- Oh, yeah!
- It's red.

- There it is.
- It's coming.

That's germinating. So it's coming out
like that. It's unwrapping itself.

But it's coming.

Yeah. So that's good news.

What about the onions?

Er, we have to go
quite a long way for the onions.

Yeah, I'm keen for that.
I wanna see if the onions are taking.

I really want these to grow.

I want to be the onion king
of Chipping Norton.

Look, the AgBot missed
this bit of rolling here, look.

No, no, no, that's the divide!

Oh, that's the next one.

So he didn't miss it. Take it back.

No, I'm not doing that.

That's how we know when the red
onions start and the beetroots finish.

Er... this is good news.
I've found the onions.

There it is, just there, look.

- That?
- That is an onion.

- I'm pleased with their start.
- OK, well, that's good news.

The only cloud on the horizon was that

there weren't any clouds on the horizon.

Weeks had passed
since it had last rained.

But Charlie wasn't overly worried.

Erm, it cools down next week a bit

and then we hopefully get some rain
in the next couple of weeks

- and it will just keep growing.
- So you reckon,

just give me a time.
You know I like a date and a time.

When do we have to have some rain by?

This will be all right
for two or three weeks.

- Oh will it?
- I think so.

Because it's gonna cool down next week.

There was obviously
a bit of moisture in the soil

because a few days later,
some weeds began to appear.

But these were quickly dealt with
by the Droid.

A process that Kaleb found
absolutely fascinating.

Me, though...

I was looking for something to do.

Hey!

Come and have a look at this.

So I've just been on the government's
website, the government's,

and it said... there's a whole thing
here on large, leaky, wooden dams.

Woody dams, OK?

So it says it slows
the movement of water,

stores water, stops flooding downstream.

- Yeah.
- Blah, blah, blah.

And they're prepared
to pay for us to do it.

- They pay us to do it?
- They pay us

to slow the water down.

How much?

Well, that's why I've called you over.

£764.42 for each dam?

Yeah. They're thinking
we'll be like human beavers.

Beavers don't make completely
watertight Hoover dams, do they?

- No, they just slow the water down.
- They just slow the water down.

All we need to do: go down there, just
lob a few of those logs in the stream.

- Lob them in in a sort of arrangement.
- Yeah.

It helps delay the passage
of floodwater downstream,

allows sediment to settle out

and reduces downstream flood risk.

- Let's go and do it.
- We'll go and do it! It's 700.

I can send Starmer a bill
this afternoon for 750...

No, no, no, 7,000,
'cause we'll build ten.

Well, we'll build ten.

As I've been saying for a long time,

this Labour government, bloody good.

Bloody good. Well done, Starmer.

The next morning,
Kaleb and I headed off

to one of the streams in what was
the first proper outing

for my snazzy new UTV.

"Hill Descent" on.

I must admit,
it's very comfortable in here.

At the stream,
we found the makings of a dam

that nature had already started

and identified
some branches and shrubbery

that we could use to improve it.

Right, so my plan is,

if we clear away that stuff up there,

the flotsam and jetsam
will come down here,

wedge against what's already here,

but nature builds it.

- Yeah.
- A leaky woody dam.

There was, however,
one serious sticking point.

I'm just loathe to do this,
unless Amazon have sent

some trained divers
to rescue us in case we drown.

Yeah, that's a big puddle.

Oh, thank God, we've got them.

Did you hear
that Amazon Health and Safety...

"Are you by a stream?" Yeah.

"You have to have trained divers."

To be fair, it's probably a good idea
'cause if you fell over in there,

- I couldn't save you. it's too deep.
- I know.

Knowing we were now safe,

we could get cracking,

hacking into all the shrubbery
and foliage upstream,

which meant bringing back

the Diddly Squat machine of devastation.

Engaging rotors.

Yeah!

Observe the path being created.

Once the RoboMulcher
had daintily made its way

down to the water...

He's in!

It got straight to work.

Ohoo-yeah!

Mince!

Mince on toast!

Yes!

I was very rude about this
in the last series

and said it was my second
favourite machine on earth.

I was wrong. It's back at number one.

- Hey, K.
- Hello, Lisa.

Right, let's just have a
quick look at what we've achieved here.

So all this flotsam is gonna wash away

and jam up
in that beavery type dam there,

and that's creating a slow-moving bit

which is what you want
to try and achieve.

While the said flotsam
made its way downstream,

I set about clearing some branches

with yet another tool of wonderment.

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ!

Did you see that?

Ogh.

With the pesky branches cleared away,

we then had to remove a fallen tree,

which meant
I could try out my new UTV's winch.

Keep going, keep going.

OK? Tree removal unit...

Bleeding Ada,

look at the size of this,
a big old tree coming out!

Keep coming a little bit more,
keep coming, keep coming.

Whoa! That'll do perfect there.

That machine is amazing.

The last job was to chop the tree up

to make some bigger logs for the dam.

And by the close of play,
we were better off

to the tune of 764 pounds and 42 pence.

OK, all right,
let's go back for tea and medals.

Do you know what we're
actually making accidentally?

A really good pooh-sticks river.

What's that?

Oh, for fuck's sake.

The next morning,
as we set off to build a second dam,

we had two passengers

who loved the UTV even more than I did.

Hello, dog.

Arya?

They'd had it...
You know I told you at the weekend,

I took them out in this.

I got them out
and they jumped straight back in

- and refused to get out of it.
- Why?

- They liked it so much.
- They just love going along in it.

First of all,
we had to load up with some logs

which we'd use to make dam number two.

Best day ever. Come on, out you come.

Out you come. Come on. Good dogs.

You wanna put this one in?
It's quite a nice one to lay in, innit?

- Look.
- Oh...

Out. Get out.

Arya. No, no.

Arya, come here.

Come here, come here.

Fungus, that is.

Oh, fuck...

What are we going to do about this?

Sansa, Arya, come here.

Come here.

Now stay.

Having loaded up the logs,
we headed off to our next dam site.

This is fun!

£764 is what it is.

- Hello.
- Charlie Ireland!

All right?

Erm, you're building a dam?

Well, we're building specifically
a leaky woody dam. Excuse me.

- Large leaky woody.
- Large leaky woody dam,

because...

You wouldn't be able to argue with this.

"Gov UK".

- RP33?
- Yeah.

You found a grant.

"How much you'll be paid."

700 odd quid.

£764.42 for each dam.

- Yeah.
- So we're gonna build one here.

- And one there.
- One there.

Yeah.

- One across there.
- Five metres apart?

About that.

So we reckon, even in the bit of stream
I cleared out the other day,

what, a hundred yards?

You could probably
get about seven grand.

That's great. That's really good.

And what did the Catchment Sensitive
Farming officer say?

Hmm?

What?

- You need approval.
- What do you mean "you need approval"?

It says that if it's between
three and five metres wide...

- Yes, yeah, that's how you must do it.
- Hello.

Yeah?

It says what you must do.

Yes, it's gotta be between
three and five metres wide.

"What you must do."

"Speak to Catchment Sensitive Farming

about holding
the water 'struction action plan."

- So you need to speak to them.
- I didn't read that.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

And before they come,
we'll have to remove that

because you don't get paid
for something you've done.

You have to get approval
and then they give you the grant

and then you do the work.

Well, I'm not going to. We'll take them
where we haven't done anything.

And then bring 'em back down here after.

They won't know the difference.
They won't know the difference.

- But I find this actually quite...
- No, no, no.

We need to follow the rules.

We can do it, you know, do it properly.

- I like your idea.
- OK, let's do it... No.

But, OK, then,
I will stop the environmental work,

important environmental work,
that we've been doing.

Am I getting all these out then or what?

No.

We don't have to show them this bit.

We'll just say there was a storm
and they got blown here.

The lovely chopped wood
fell into the stream.

Well, yeah, we chopped them down
and then they rolled down the bank...

After Charlie had
temporarily kiboshed the dam project,

Kaleb and I headed east...

to see how much the green Lambo
would make at the auction.

Do you just get giddy
at these kinds of events?

I love it.

There's gotta be at least
5 million pounds' worth of kit here.

More.

Kaleb was probably right,

because up for sale was everything

from high-end tracked tractors

to characters from Pixar.

They actually drive
all the tractors through?

It looks like it.

But we'll hope they don't drive
mine through with all that beeping.

Imagine.

Right. Morning, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to Cambridge Machinery Sale.

So we'll start here. We start on Lot
3000. We're running up and down...

We took our seats and I prepared myself

for the usual bout
of undecipherable auctioneer noises.

At £1,500 I'm bid.
Standing bid then at 26.

At £26,000 I'm bid, 26.

5,000 I'm bid then.
It's back in the room now.

This is like being in a cinema listening
to a German film without subtitles.

- Do you not understand them?
- No.

Oh, I can.

Happily, there was a screen

which I could use
as a sort of rural Google Translate.

At 74,000, sold, thank you.

Not long now.

No. We'll know when it's coming along

'cause we'll hear it beeping.

- Arm rest alert. Service alert.
- And jolting, jolting.

And it goes this time
and away then at 46,000.

Ladies and gentlemen, Lot 12-46,
the TTV Agrotron 50 K machine.

There it is!

Fucking hell!

You are buying this tractor
as it stands purely. There we go.

- There's gonna be a frenzy of bidding.
- Here we go!

A good spec machine.
How do you value it?

Put me on 60,000 for it surely? 60,000?

Thank you, sir.
£30,000, it's a start at 30,000.

30,000? Fuck off.

32, 33.

33, 34.

35, 35.

36, 37.

At 37, 38.

I can't even see who's bidding.

I have at 41, 42.

Now a bid at 41, 43.

Just think every time
they go up a thousand pound,

it's less money you lost.

I have 50,000 a bid then, and 51.

- 51.
- That's good. Keep going.

52. I have 52.

It made more than I thought it would.

54, 55 a bid, at 55.

You've got a new bidder now.

At 56,000. At 56,500.

They obviously haven't seen
the programme.

Hush.

Now a bid at 75.

The poor fellow in there
having the beeping!

He's going, "Will you please sell
this fucking thing before I go deaf?"

65,000 a bid, at 65.

65 is back.

We were actually getting closer
to the 80,000 that I'd paid for it.

That's 70,500.

At 70,500. We're not done yet.

A bid at 70,500.

The hammer's up,
fair warning and all then.

And it sells this time
and away then at £70,500.

Quite up.

Well, it's... it was a financial hit

but it wasn't a financial kick
in the nuts.

Yeah.

Corr.

That's the best
that tractor's ever looked.

Yeah, going away.

Back at Diddly Squat,
there was still no sign of any rain.

Thank you very much.
Good morning to you.

The dry spell of weather
is set to continue,

certainly through today,
certainly through the weekend

and for the first part of next week.

Lots of dry weather, lots of sunshine...

But Charlie wasn't panicking
yet, so I got on with some matchmaking.

Put the lighting on red,
gives it a nice romantic flavour.

Arya was on heat
and therefore ready to...

spend some time with her boyfriend Rodeo

so they could make some puppies.

Here comes Rodeo.

Oh, Rodeo.

Look, we need a church for the wedding,
darling. Where shall we do it?

Do we take them off the lead
or keep them on?

- No, I think no.
- Come on, Rodeo.

- Shhh, give them some time.
- Oh, here we go. Wrong...

That's her face, that's her face.

- That's in the eye.
- That's her face, Rodeo.

Can we all not laugh please,
it's not funny. It's still her face.

No.

She's lifting her tail,
that's a good sign.

- Mmm...
- See, there we go.

Welcome to Clarkson's Dog Porn.

It's a new three-part series.

It's called Only Dogging.

Ah, finally.
That's the right way round, yes.

Is he in?

No, you're not in. He's not in.

No, it's just nowhere near in.

It's... Oh, he's come
all over her back. Oh God.

Shhh.

- Arya really likes it though.
- Shhh. She really does, yes.

He's licking her ear.

I like that bit.

- Yeah, that's nice.
- Yeah, that's very sweet.

Come on, Rodeo. There we go.

There we go, there we go.

Ah, that's a bit more promising.

So, what are your plans
for this evening?

Well, I don't do Pilates.
And I thought for tonight we'd have...

I've got some prawns and
I'll probably get that mascarpone sauce.

That's a really good idea
actually 'cause they need to be used up.

Eventually,
nature did take its course...

And later that day, I was able
to get to the pub to see Nick,

because it was now
just over 24 hours before Dare Night.

So, are you across the Dare Night menu?

Yeah, a hundred percent.

And you don't foresee any...?

Erm, do you have snail caviar?

Yes.

But, there is one tiny weeny hurdle...

which is called "Lisa",

who believes that the snail eggs,
which is the caviar,

she believes that they are going
to be used to breed more snails

to create her face and hand cream.

So I'm going to have to steal

her eggs without her noticing.

If I ask her, she'll just say no.

How much do you need do you think?

We're gonna need about 22 ounces,
we reckon,

which is quite a lot.

All right.

Given how small the eggs were,
that did indeed sound like a lot,

so back in Lisa's snail garden,

I helped myself to pretty much
everything I could find.

Removing the mud.

Now then: tweezers.

On a scale of how delicate
you need to be:

you've got defusing a nuclear weapon,

then eye surgery on a child,

and then at the very top,

creating snail caviar.

Right,

I can't afford to break
a single one of these eggs,

not a single one.

Jesus Christ, this is...

Decanting the eggs proved
to be such a fiddly job

that I had to ramp up my eyewear.

I literally can't see anything!

Where's the teaspoon gone?

Where was it? Oh, there it is.

I thought, oh, that's a soup spoon!

Where's the... Oh, there it is.

Let's just see how much we've got now.

Oh, come on!

That is exactly an ounce
of snail eggs in there,

one ounce.

I need 20 times more than that.

The following day, Dare Night day,

I delivered my contraband to Nick
and our new head chef Max.

Bad news is I wasn't able to get

as many bits of caviar as you wanted.

I've only got 15.

Kinda need a little teaspoon
or something, don't we, to taste this.

Well, we can't really afford
to taste it, can we?

- We haven't got...
- Yeah, we haven't got enough!

Erm, do take care of these.

No, we will. That's why they were...

'Cause my testes are gonna be ripped off

when Lisa finds out
where we got them from.

I then went inside
to say hello to an old friend...

- Hey!
- Hello!

Thomas.

Who'd agreed
to supply a palate cleanser

for customers who weren't
enjoying the dishes on offer.

- Are you okay? Everything good?
- Yeah, no, I'm very good.

Thomas had originally appeared
in the second series of Clarkson's Farm

when he'd cooked up some
chilli jam for the farm shop.

Fucking hell...

Back then, his fiery concoction
measured four million

on the Scoville heat scale.

Oh my giddy aunt.

But for Dare Night,
he'd gone a bit further than that.

This is very hot.

This is like nine million.

And this is 15 million Scoville unit.

- Fifteen?
- Fifteen, one, five.

- Fifteen million?
- Yeah.

Jesus.

This is the best hot in the world now.

- In the world?
- Yeah.

Yeah. It makes you crazy in the mouth.

But if you drank all that,
it would kill you?

Er, maybe not kill you,

but you have little trouble
in the stomach, everywhere.

So your bottom would be broken.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you'd be broke.

On the basis I couldn't serve
something that I hadn't tried myself,

I decided to sample
the fifteen million version.

You ready or no?

- We try!
- Well, no, the smallest...

- Tiny. Very small.
- The tiniest amount.

Oh, man...

I'm scared now.

- You made it!
- I know!

Not since Oppenheimer has anyone been
as scared by their own creation

as you are by that.

OK, Jeremy, come on, we do it.

OK, hit it.

Tiny, tiny bit.

- Oh, no, wait! Stop!
- No, no, it's not too much.

Oh, it is too much! No,
stop it. Stop it. That's far too much!

- Here we go.
- OK, cheers.

What do you think?
Maybe it's not too much.

Yes, it is.

Oagh.

Agh.

Aagh.

It be building up.

Holy fucking hell!

Whoa.

Ooh...

I'm in pain here.

Holy shit.

Oh God.

Oh, my ears just popped.

It's actually burnt my...

Oh God, my ear.

Oh, my fucking ear.

Aye, aye, aye.

It's fucking hot!

I apologise.

Oh, OK...

- Not OK.
- Now better.

Having worked out
that the chilli sauce was survivable...

Oh, man.

And could therefore be served,
I went to the kitchen...

which was now a hive
of Dare Night activity.

All right, how are we looking?
Have we got a line of plates good to go?

The chefs were prepping sheep's hearts,

brains and pig's ears,

and Nick himself was attending
to one of the menu's star turns.

"Sqvuirrel".

Yeah, "ze" squirrel.

And how are we cooking it?

We're gonna flour it and deep-fry it.

Wild garlic, loads of salt and pepper,

a little bit of a marinade on it,
seasonal flour, crispy.

- Yeah.
- Crispy s...

Crispy squirrel.

I'm guessing people
will be finding this particular scene

not to their taste, but...

But this is, I mean, the...

Those are wild, free-range animals.

You are 100% better off
to eat this than a battery farm chicken.

Like, this had a great life.
And then somebody, as you can see,

who was a fucking great shot...

- They shot the back of the head.
- Yeah. Head shot.

I mean, yeah... Where's its penis?

Oh, those are it's test...
Oh, that's its penis.

Yeah. So, I mean, it might have
massive bollocks, but it's...

Why has it got such
enormous testes with such a small pipe?

Classical chef training doesn't cover
the full squirrel anatomy

to be honest with you,
so I can't answer you that question.

I think that's gonna have to be Googled.

I left the chefs to it...

And come early evening
after the guests had arrived,

I talked everyone
through the point of the event.

Evening, everybody.

Good evening, and thank you all
very much for coming to the first

of what we hope will be many
Dare Food Nights at The Farmer's Dog.

It's a fun night, of course,

but there's actually a serious,
er, bit of thinking behind this

because, as I'm sure you've noticed,
if you've been to a...

even a supermarket
or a butcher's shop recently,

meat is getting expensive.

42 quid for a leg of lamb,
in my own butcher's shop.

That's a huge amount of money.

Steak is expensive.

Beef prices are riding
incredibly high right now.

It's getting to the point
where meat is becoming a luxury good,

which is why we're all here tonight.

We're gonna be trying animals that
you probably have never eaten before

and we're gonna be trying cuts of meat
that you probably don't ordinarily eat.

Just what I would give you
is one word of advice,

is sometimes the texture
of what you're eating feels odd

'cause you're used to eating steak
and chicken and pork and lamb and so on,

but get past that,

think, "OK, I'm not eating phlegm,

it feels like I am..."

But actually the taste is delicious.

And once you start doing that,

I hope you'll go away

and the next time
you're in a butcher's shop go,

"Actually, you know what,
I will have tripe, I will have this,

I will try something."

And it is a damn sight cheaper.

Thank you for listening, everybody.
And, erm, let's have some fun.

Thank you.

I'll have that caviar
up here now, Louis.

"Crispy fried squirrel."

Lisa and I were hosting
on our table David the butcher,

Charlotte, Kaleb, Charlie...

Would anyone like a drink?

And Annie,

who wasn't looking forward
to the evening one little bit.

Are we good to start sending?

So this... in each tin,

we have snail caviar with the blinis.

Is that sour cream, guys?

- No. Crème fraîche.
- Crème fraîche? OK.

All right then, boys, coming through.

So exciting!

So what we have here,
ladies and gentlemen,

are your snails with garlic butter

and then snail caviar.

Get five down there, get them in, and
then we can just hold them if, erm...

Can I just say, raise our glass to Lisa
for growing these snails and the caviar.

Yes, Lisa, well done.

Well done. Thank you, Lisa.

So how do I do... how do I eat this?

Like, you sort of...

You've gotta pop them
between your teeth.

Well, that is genius, that is.
I'm a big fan.

The diners gamely tucked
into the snails and snail caviar...

- Was that all right?
- It was delicious. Thank you.

Happy with the snail?

Which was a bit of a relief

because the next course
took things up a gear.

It looks like KFC.

We changed it, though,
to Cotswold Fried Squirrel.

Look, it's CFS!

There is a...

Lisa, you look convinced.

- That's...
- That's not bad.

What part of the squirrel is that?

I'm not loving that.

- Urgh, it's like rat.
- They're so bad.

The taste, though,
wasn't the biggest problem.

This fucking smell.

The smell is horrible. Urgh.

- It stinks.
- It stinks.

It smells like a pet shop.

No...

I have washed my hands twice
and still all I can smell is squirrel.

Who liked the squirrel? One, two...

Oh, a few people liked the squirrel!

- OK.
- There was this smell.

Yeah, the smell.

But listen,
it's the uterus next, everybody, so...

All right then, next course.

Are we good to start sending?

You have your pig's
ears and your uterus.

Oh, they're nice.

- What, the uterus?
- No.

- The pig's ears.
- Oh, pig's ears are lovely, yeah.

Mmm, I'm with you on the pig's ear.

So we've got
a lamb's brain here, stuffed heart.

Oh, I love heart.

The lamb's brain
is absolutely delicious.

It is really good.

Do you remember when,
erm, Anthony Hopkins ate Ray Liotta?

Yes!

Yeah, at the end of, erm, Hannibal,

he ate Ray Liotta's brains
while he was still alive!

It spreads quite well.
Are you going lamb's brain, Annie?

- I'm gonna think about it.
- Are you?

Annie,
you are the champion of farm shops,

you are literally the queen of it,

and so far your plate
is entirely untouched by food.

Is there anything you like?

- Have you tried the heart?
- Have you smelt it?

You're gonna have
to eat something, Annie.

Are you... is this your first bit?

But no, lamb's brains,
it's not a big meal.

That explains everything,
how thick they are.

As Annie decided
she didn't like brains either,

I went off to prep our palate cleansers.

First though, some precautions.

Pass it down, everybody.

We've got fire extinguishers
in case your mouth catches fire.

That's your fire extinguisher
full of milk.

Guys, guys, guys,
please, this does matter.

The one with the cocktail stick in

is the 15 million on the Scoville scale.

The yellowy one is 7 million.

The sort of reddy
one in the middle is 9.

Seven million, as I say,
is very very very hot,

hotter than anything
you will have ever tasted.

Nine: way hotter than that.

Fifteen: a speck.

Thank you kindly.

The diners took the plunge.

And then...

I'm in pain.

I'll tell you what, that...

Are you OK?

There was the tiniest, the tiniest bit.

Oh, that's pain.

As one of the guests
deposited his cleansed palate

along with quite a lot of squirrel
into our flowerbeds...

We had a chat on our table
about what we'd learned.

I'm just thinking, is there one thing
from tonight we could put on the menu?

- No.
- Pig's ears.

The feedback from people was...

The pig's ears? The feedback...

I prefer them over pork scratchings.

- Snails. Snails are a winner.
- Charlie, no!

Snails were really popular.
So we just need more snails.

Stay away from the snails.

No, forget your hand cream,
let's just eat them.

Well, listen, it was a fun night
and it was good for the pub.

We only killed six people
so that's not bad at all.

Dare Night was
one of those wonderful, carefree moments

that had peppered
our lives over the last few weeks.

We'd welcomed some new additions...

- Ah...
- Ah! Hey!

Taken our farm into the next century...

The Starship Enterprise
has just landed at Diddly Squat.

And generally revelled
in being on the land.

Look at that sight. Come on!

But at the beginning of May,
it started to become clear...

that trouble was brewing.

So, dry start to spring,

the driest since 1956, and concerns
there could be a drought this summer.

Farmers are reporting
their crops are struggling

after March and April saw
only half the usual rainfall.

Let's go to Harry Metcalfe first,
a farmer...

Three weeks ago,
Charlie had said we needed some rain

in the next three weeks.

That time had now passed
without so much as a drop.

If we go 30 yards this way...

And the crops
were starting to struggle.

Look, you see what the weather's doing?
You see how that flag leaf is closed?

- The flag leaf is this one?
- Yes, correct.

That's curling round because
the moisture it's got, it protects it

- from the wind and the sunshine?
- Exactly.

You can actually see
that the leaf is curling round.

Yeah.

And then the yellow at the top
is telling me it's under stress.

Yeah.
Other ones down here, like that one,

they're shrivelled, so they've given up.

- Hold on, I've got this one.
- That's a brilliant example.

- You've got one.
- That's just died.

So, OK,
we put one seed in the ground...

Yeah.

And it was going to produce
three of these.

But because it didn't rain,
that one and that one have died.

Yeah.

You know Harry Metcalfe, Harry's Farm?

He does a YouTube channel.

- He's brilliant.
- Yeah.

He was saying because of this,

we're losing as a country, the UK,

100,000 tonnes of just wheat,
not barley, just wheat, a day,

and have been for a month.

And the other thing about it,
it's so short.

I know.

- There's gonna be no straw.
- That's true.

There'll be no bread or straw.

No. Nothing for the cattle to sit on.

We do need for it to rain.

The days rolled on

but the skies remained
resolutely cloudless.

- It looks like a fucking desert.
- I know.

I came up here the other day,
I thought we were growing stones.

Yes!

But all that effort we went
to with that field and then God went,

"And you're having, er, no rain."

And with no sign of any coming,

Charlie had called a meeting
in the onion and beetroot field,

which by now should have been showing
an emerging crop.

When did we put them in? A month ago?

Er, six and a half weeks ago.

Is it six and a half weeks? And this is
all we've got so far, which is nothing.

Look, there it is.

They've now just frazzled.

Bollocks.

What are we going to do?

I think, you know,
particularly in these areas here,

and we can band it off,
I would re-drill those bits.

Re-drill this. What about the onions?

- Yeah, over the far side.
- So...

Re-plant most of this field.

- Yes.
- Even though...

Even though there's no moisture.

Right, so...

Beetroots and onions: disaster.

Up the Swanny, lost,
'cause of the weather.

Ogh.

Last year it was too wet.
This year it's too dry.

Jesus Christ...

Look,
there's the dog! The dog's doing it!

- Woah...
- That'll do.

No no no! Oh my God!

Ey ey ey ey! Jesus!

- This guy has travelled 8,000 miles.
- What is he?

A garden warbler.

So you were gonna do
the combining this year.

We can't afford spillages.

For God's sake, Kaleb!

Look, that's rain innit?

Shit.

Go! Go! Go!

Well, things can't get worse.

I know.

I've got bad news.