All language subtitles for Mock the Week - S22E05

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Read all about it. News of the world.
News of the world.

Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm
Dara O 'Brien. Joining us this week are

Sarah Pascoe, Rhys James and Emmanuel
Sanubi, Zoe Lyons, Ed Byrne and Glenn

Moore.

We can start tonight with a round called
If This Is The Answer, What Is The

Question? On the board are six
categories. Emmanuel, which category

like? I'm going with home news.

Okay, your topic is home news.

The answer is 379 years. What is the
question?

How old is Morgan Freeman really?

Is it just to be safe? What is the
minimum age on Andrew's dating apps now?

Is it how much older do my testicles
look than the rest of me?

Is it how old would my great -great
-great -grandad be if he wasn't such a

pussy?

I went early with that one. I'm quite
surprised that they liked it.

Is it, how long would it take P. Diddy
to run out of baby oil?

Is it, how long would my great -great
-grandad take to run out of baby oil if

wasn't such a pussy?

Is it, how overdue are Oliver Cromwell's
library books?

Oliver Cromwell, that'll work.

Is it, when does a vampire start
puberty?

Is it, how old are my oldest knickers?

Not far off.

I've seen them absolutely in bits.

Is it, how much history has happened in
the past week?

Is it, how long will it be before
America can look back on this period and

laugh?

How long would the Hundred Years' War
take now that everyone's got ADHD?

How long have I been learning to speak
Klingon?

Is it how frequently do rural bus
services run?

Is it? What does a parrot say?

I've got my finger on the hot topics of
the week.

Is it, if I do my Nelson Mandela
impression, how long will it be before

allowed back on the television?

Do it, do it.

I've been working on this for some time.
I really want to see that now.

Is it how long it used to feel in
between Christmases before we grew up

realised we had to pay for it?

Do you have the correct answer, please?

It's the last time a royal was erected.
It's absolutely right. Thank you very

much, Ray.

Yes, the question I was looking for
was...

When was the last time a senior royal
was arrested?

Andrew Mountbatten -Windsor was arrested
for misconduct in public office. The

last royal arrest was of Charles I in
1647 for high treason. He was later

convicted and executed for the crime.

When you're not laughing, you're
learning.

Andrew Mountbatten -Windsor has
consistently denied any wrongdoing.

Yeah, he would, though, wouldn't he?

Yes, for...

Possibly revealing details when he was a
trade envoy. A job that I remember us

talking about years ago in the show in a
kind of a, oh, is he a trade envoy now,

is he?

Whereas now we have to go, he was a
trade envoy.

It's just busy work, isn't it? A trade
envoy.

It's just like, what else are we going
to do with him?

It's the equivalent of sending the
apprentice to go and get a bubble for

spirit level.

Go and get a tin of tartan paint. Oi!

And you. Go and be a trade -in boy.

To be fair to him, if you look at this
picture, this was obviously a very

stressful day, and he's not sweating.

So maybe he was telling the truth.

Everybody's praising this photographer
for getting this snap that nobody else

could get.

The first thing you learn how to do with
editing software is red -eye reduction.

I couldn't even manage that.

This picture as well.

uh that the guard was actually saying
that there was a problem with the button

trying to let them out that's why they
were stuck there for so long i think

a lie he just said again no i am
pressing it

Button no no no I genuinely can at any
time dude. I just I told you just about

you over there at any time Choose not to
that's real power

What's matter about this whole thing
though is he's been arrested, but he's

arrested for misconduct don't you dare
If you want to come from this conduct in

public There aren't many of us to get to
see what we'd look like in an open

casket

Just thinking how annoying it is to be
stuck in trafficking.

But it feels like they just keep taking
things from him.

And you keep going, surely that's
everything now.

And then just this week, having stripped
him of his royal titles, having

stripped him of all his military ranks,
they've suddenly come out with, oh, we

might also stop him from his line of
succession to the throne.

Which he still has.

He's still eight in line to the throne.
So maybe we'll take... He's like the bad

guy at the end of a horror film.

You think you've got... Oh, here he
comes again.

He's done.

He's currently eight in line for the
throne, and soon he'll be eight in line

the phone.

If he gets taken out of the succession,
we all get to move up one, don't we?

Yeah, yeah.

reinserted further down the line because
it was it was early in the morning

wasn't it that they arrived and it's
like they're saying that like oh he

have been in bed and i can't not imagine
him in bed with the police at the foot

of his bed and him just thinking one of
these is michael mackenzie all of

it all of it's very circumstantial
because they don't they don't actually

they say that he could have been in bed
he could have been having breakfast but

all of it Sounds really creepy.

He could have been eating an egg.

It is bound to have an impact on his
mental health, isn't it? Because you

what they say about the Duke of York,
you know, when he was up, he was up.

I mean, what also was notable about the
timing of the arrest? Oh, he sticks that

back. Do you reckon when he got arrested
and they said date of birth and he said

it, they were like, that's today, happy
birthday!

Well, what's the main thing that you
want on your birthday? That the whole

is about you.

And that couldn't have happened in a
more extreme way.

Everyone's talking about you today.

Congratulations. Well, I think it's
quite sweet. Apparently when they

down the door, they went, have you got
anything to say in your defense?

I'm just waiting for this to come out on
24 hours and place custody. That's what

I'm watching.

It's going to be the best episode ever.

Because he will do it, because he'll
think, oh, a way for me to get my side

the story out.

It's the same with Prince Andrew's
staff. It came out that their nickname

him was the word C -U -N -T.

I wonder what they're trying to say
about him. I wish I could crack my code.

What way has the staff produced?

Skeleton crew? He has. He has. Skeleton
crew now.

It's chef and valet, apparently. Yeah. A
chef and a valet being described as a

skeleton crew, that's still more than my
crew.

Because they haven't actually hired this
valet yet, have they? Yeah, they

haven't. Do you know what they should
do? They should do a reality show about

it. They should make a reality show
called Ain't No Valet Low Enough.

Moving on, what has Nigel Farage
recently announced?

It's not his shadow cabinet, because
he's not the official opposition.

He's just announced what jobs he's given
to the various Conservative MPs. Yes.

And just so they don't get too spooked,
this is them. In the most Conservative

cosplay situation.

It does look like Farage is going,
what's that? That looks like, oh, it is,

a bottle of piss.

That's him doing his favourite film, E
.T. Go Home.

Who's the guy next on the right of him?
Is that Rupert?

It's Richard Tite. Richard Tite. Yeah.
Because all of them look happy, except

Richard Tite, who looks like he's sort
of in Jurassic Park.

And the rest of them are going, no, it's
okay, Richard, the dinosaurs will vote

for us.

I love the way they do the thing of
taking a successful TV show and then

franchising it to different cities.

This is succession, Croydon.

I should just say, Tories, clear and
sell.

It's mad that Reform are so obsessed
with the past they're trying to get the

previous cabinet elected.

It's the exact same thing, isn't it?
This is the Tory party.

Same colours, they've just changed the
name.

It's like when everyone knew Hermes was
so shit that they changed it to Every.

We wouldn't notice that we're still
getting our parcels four days late and

smell of piss.

Are you saying this is the T .G. Jones?

That just really irritates me, T .G.
Jones. Like, they moved everything one

the left.

You've got a classier reference point
than me.

I don't know what you're talking about.
What? W .A. Smith is now called T .G.

Jones? What?

What? We thought it was an Irish thing.
No!

I thought it was T .G .I. Friday. No!

They split the company, and the only way
they were making money was their travel

business, so they split it away, and
they moved all the stuff that we used.

can they be making money at those
service stations for only charging £5

litre of milk?

That's incredible.

It's now called Gigi Jones, but they've
done it with the same font and the same

thing. This is Gigi Jones, basically,
yeah.

Am I bringing the news to the table?

This is crazy. This is the news.

This is the bit that'll go in.

This is the bit that's going to be all
over.

Hello, TikTok.

Cheapo, it's Gigi Jones now.

They were dressed in the W .H. Mitten
colours, to be fair.

My mind is absolutely blown, because
even before that, obviously they're

it's not Hermes.

That blew my mind.

Did anyone else not know that? I was
like, I didn't know that. And then this

happened. I was like, this is too much.

What else has changed?

Well, Woolworths is gone, have you
heard?

Yes, this show was recorded before the
results of the Gorton and Denton by

-election, as which you will know now
because you brought a newspaper in T .G.

Jones.

Moving on, what major changes to UK drug
laws might Green Party's Zach Polanski

be proposing?

Oh, he wants to decriminalise...
Decriminalise, yeah. A -list, A -list, A

drugs? Yeah, not A -list.

It's all come a bit too late for me,
though.

I mean, this would have been exciting
news, I think, in my 30s. But now, if

at a party, I'm the one chopping up the
drugs using my National Trust membership

card.

And it's ibuprofen, so... It's really
sorry that, like, he said something

possibly decriminalisation or dealing
with drugs in a different way, which

people just jumped on in a... What?! You
want to inject heroin into our

children's eyeballs?! What are you
doing?! Them and the Labour Party. I

could save the high street.

The high street is basically just a vape
shop now.

So you make all drugs legal.

then you could just have sort of
ketamine emporiums and stuff like that.

T .G. Jones. The T .G. stands for the
ganja.

You're really taking this new
information and running with it.

Are you jonesing for a fix?

based on this journey with how many
adults we have. Yeah.

They're up in the corporate hospitality
box going, all of our spend went on this

party.

It's better work out, you know. Now we
call it WH Spliffs.

I'll see you in that round.

It's going to Zoe Eddington.

Join us after the break for more Master
Week.

Now we play a game called Do You Think
That's Five?

In a world where everything seems to be
going wrong, this is a chance for a

performance to complete, to outdo each
other with tales of woe from their

and I decide whose is the worst. Anyone
care to start us off?

I had to go to a gender reveal party the
other day, and they are tacky as hell,

and they make me sick.

Like, physically, I got ill from one. My
cousin's pregnant, she was having a

girl, so all the food at the gender
reveal party was, like, pink on the

That chicken burger is the hardest to
have a shit on.

My parents had a gender reveal party for
me, which was hurtful because I was 11

at the time.

We've gathered the evidence.

And we feel 60 -40.

Okay, well, do you think that's bad? I
was involved off and on with a topical

comedy panel show on TV for many, many
years. And then they suddenly introduced

a round I still haven't got a handle on.

I used to go to a particular newsagent
and then, well, they just changed their

name.

You think that's bad? I've got an iPad
that works on facial recognition that

won't allow me in before 11 .30 in the
morning now.

That refuses, Dara. I have to lie on my
back and let the face reveal the throat.

Is that why Andrew was leaning back in
the car? You think he went to use the

side?

You think that's bad?

I haven't married so long that I
actually booked myself a prostate exam

Valentine's Day just to feel something.

When did you make it become this bad?

The gentle observations are at life.

That's a cry for help. You think that's
bad? I did my first shift as a prostate

doctor this bad.

You think that's bad? I went to a gym on
the road, but not my gym, and their

dumbbells only went up to 50 kilos.

We've all had that struggle.

What the hell is this?

Why are you running here?

That gym for ants!

You think that's bad?

Last year, I got run over by a stretch
limo for three -quarters of an hour.

You think that's bad? One of my closest
friends recently got arrested on his

birthday.

You think that's bad?

I don't actually know what my wife does
for a living, and I feel it's too late

to ask.

She's on OnlyFans.

You think that's bad?

I'm going to win this now. You think
that's bad?

My son is toilet trained. He has been
for a long time. He doesn't have

accidents. Sometimes he shits on the
floor for fun.

my reaction okay so we spoke to a child
psychologist apparently when you want

your child to stop doing something
you're supposed to not react when they

I'm not that good an actor I don't think
that Judi Dench could turn the other

cheek when someone was shitting on her
carpet so when he does it I scream and I

run towards it and I pick it up as
quickly as I can you know sometimes with

bare hands no before you dare judge me
if I don't get it quickly the dog eats

come here and do show business

I think you win. Thank you.

At the end of that, the floor is yours.
Emmanuel Rees and Sarah.

The next round is called 24 Hours in
Police Custody.

This game involves Glenn and Emmanuel,
so if you could make your way to the

performance area, please. This round is
a stand -up challenge. I launch the

wheel of news, and whoever chooses to
stop one of our performers must step

forward. talk about that subject the
winner is whoever i think is the

okay here we go our first topic please
let's spin the wheel the first topic is

human behavior manual human human
behavior i think is a very interesting

now for me um i used to play a lot of
rugby um and now that i don't play rugby

i'm only realizing now how what we would
call normal behavior as rugby players

is apparently very different to what
everyone else calls normal behaviour.

We all know, well, most people know the
Guinness game. The Guinness game where

you take your first swig and you try and
split the G is the plan. Rugby players,

we play them differently, I found out,
when I was out with some friends. I say

friends, I'd just met the dude, but
we're drinking Guinness, so it means

brothers now, and he asked me to watch
his drink.

So I said yes, and he went to the
toilet, and the moment he left, I put my

in his pint.

It's completely normal behaviour, and I
can see some of the reactions. There's

some of you here that disagree.

Shockingly, so did he. When he came
back, he was furious. I was like, you

me to. Obviously not with many words,
but you gave me a pint.

I was like, who does that? He was like,
we're at a christening.

And I thought, he was scared.

I love a prank, but my issue is, I can't
play pranks. Like, I shouldn't play

pranks. I'm far too big.

to play pranks. I can't jump out on
anyone.

It's not funny when I do it.

Some of you will jump out on your
friends.

Banter. I do it, it's GBH.

But I like pranks, and famously one that
I got in... I say famously, it's why

I'm not allowed at that school.

My son's school, when he first started
primary school, I missed the whole first

month. Because I was way on the road. So
I was gutted. I wanted to be there.

And this was my first time doing the
school collection.

So I was excited.

I was the only parent outside the
school. I got there early. And one of

teachers came out. And quite rightly so.
She'd never seen me before.

She said, afternoon.

So which one of these lovely children
are you here to take home with you

And I couldn't help myself. I said, I
don't know yet.

think so it was weird okay

that leaves us with glenn let's see what
your topic is let's spin

the wheel uh is motivation uh i wasn't
very

motivated when i was growing up i was
quite an ungrateful kid even though i

to grow up in the 90s and noughties i
thought everything in the 90s was boring

and predictable i'd be like well music
in the 90s is so predictable and movies

are so predictable and tv is so
predictable every saturday night you

and oh surprise surprise surprise
surprise even i had a perfectly nice

my parents were always very very loving
they're always very supportive every

time it was my birthday they'd throw a
big party they'd always invite the local

kids entertainer typo the clown

Maybe because I had quite an antisocial
family, very antisocial family when I

was growing up. We never wanted guests
or visitors. We used to hide the welcome

mat under the spare key.

Or maybe we didn't want to see people
because we lived in quite a bad area. I

knew it was a shit area. At least I knew
it was a shit area. Some of you might

live in a part of town. You can't make
up your mind as to whether or not your

area is nice or shit. I've worked out
the best way to determine if your area

nice or shit. Have a think to yourself.
If there was a zombie apocalypse

tomorrow, how quickly would you realise?

Do you look out your window one morning
and be like, well, I can see a bin

tipped on its side and I can hear a car
alarm in the distance.

Something's afoot.

I've been crowed and every single day of
my life I'll be like, oh, a guy in a

tattered suit just bit me in Aldi. We go
again, we go again.

Best way to work out of your area, shit,
go out to the middle of your road with

a loudspeaker at two in the morning,
say, come out with your hands up and see

how many people do.

I get jealous of people who are
motivated, you know? You look at

when they become world -class in, like,
more than one job. You look at someone

like Lady Gaga. You go, oh, my God,
incredible world -class singer. Also,

-nominated actor. How have you become
world -class in two separate jobs? And

there's no link between... I mean,
sometimes you even look at a celebrity

becomes world -class in three separate
jobs. There's no link between any of

those. Julius Caesar, Roman Emperor, C
-sections and salad dressing. What a

weird... Thank you. Thank you very much,
sir.

The end of that round. The points go to
Emmanuel Siddiqui.

Good to have you come back. Thank you
very much.

Join us after the break for more Master
Week.

Our next round is called Picture of the
Week.

I'm going to have a topic and a vision.
Ask and tell me what is happening. So,

team, what's going on here?

He's just woken up. He thinks he's at an
auction for Greenland.

This is Chunk saying, would you like to
see my dickie?

Is he asking, which one's the soup
knife?

Looks like he's trying to shut her up.
He's going, you remind me of my wife in

that you're sitting at a different table
to me.

Is she saying, one more question and I'm
going to go and ask for Angela?

Have you heard?

They've changed the name to T .G. Jones.

It just looks like she's saying to him,
honey, I cannot explain to you what a

tariff is. One more time.

Looks like he's having a rare moment of
introspection going, hey, wait a minute.

Do people, do people, am I a bad person?

Are you that little miss redacted I keep
reading about?

I have shat myself, but I think I got
away with it.

And she's clearly going, no. No, you
haven't.

And you then have the correct answer.
That is Trump.

I think it's at the governor's dinner,
and that's his chief of staff, isn't it?

I think so, yes, absolutely. Thank you
very much. Well done there for him.

Yes.

They say to US President Donald Trump,
who suffered a setback recently when the

Supreme Court ruled that he had
overstepped his authority by introducing

range of global tariffs without
congressional approval last year. The

raises the possibility that the US
government has to refund billions of

to businesses and consumers.

How, and I presume it's being calmly and
with some consideration, has Trump

responded to this? Exactly as you said,
calmly and reasonably.

That's weird because he's...

He's normally so reasonable about these
things. I hope everything's alright at

home.

I do feel sorry for them, because Trump
is a toddler, and he has a toddler's...

psychology and they keep trying to deal
with him like he's an adult so i've got

a two -year -old in my house and he
wants to get inside the dishwasher and

can't tell him he's not allowed in the
dishwasher that makes him want it more

like trump with the paris you can't try
and talk to him about consequences

there's knives in there you'll hurt
yourself you might break it so no one

clean plates they don't care about
consequences you have to do distraction

supreme court need to get a little jar
of jelly beans uh they need to find a

neighbor with a puppy or a kitten it's
never too early in the year to start

talking about father christmas

All that happened is I'm now just
picturing Trump shitting on your carpet.

It's really confusing and damaging for
British business. What we want is

stability. What would be great, it would
be great if we just, I don't know, if

we had a trade envoy who maybe shared
similar interests

with Trump.

But he is. He's doing this. The whole
point of this is supposedly to support

American businesses.

So we need to retaliate by supporting
British businesses. The most successful

British business at the moment is
OnlyFans.

What I've been doing is an act of
patriotism.

That hand isn't available.

Thank you. It feels like someone else is
saluting.

We all know what this is all about. This
is all just to distract from the Gorton

and Denton by -election.

Moving on, why are female tortoises on a
Macedonian island hurling themselves

off cliffs? Well, I'm glad you asked
this.

Is that not the most contrived question?

Why are female tortoises on a Macedonian
island hurling themselves off cliffs?

Because that's the mad libs that were on
your fridge?

Do you know what the funny thing is?

I have no idea. I didn't read this one.

You all talk about yourselves.

And I take out some glasses and read,
what the fuck is happening in Macedonia?

It's because of the men tortoises. They
would rather be dead at the bottom of a

cliff than spend any more time being a
heterosexual woman tortoise.

The male tortoises have started biting
their genitals to instigate mating, and

they're like, I'm out of here.

The lady tortoises are trying to avoid
the in shells

The

next

round is called between the lines if you
just add and Reese

would you make your way to the press
pit, please?

Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise
of a leading figure on the world stage,

while Ed will translate what they really
mean.

This week, Rhys is Keir Starmer.

Finally, someone cool.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have been Prime
Minister for almost two years now.

Thought I'd better let you know in case
you were wondering who I am.

I will carry on as Prime Minister as
long as the people want me.

Bye.

There isn't a shred of evidence I knew
what Peter Mandelson was up to.

There are actually lots of shreds of
evidence in the bottom of my shredding

machine.

I can promise you there will be no more
U -turns.

Terms and conditions apply at our sole
discretion. The Labour Party reserves

right to backtrack on the promise
without prior notice at a time

us and then pretend it was what we were
going to do all along.

A recent poll shows my popularity is
growing.

People prefer me to Prince Andrew and
Hugh Edwards.

People have criticised me for my views
of the transgender issue.

And when I say people, I mean they. No,
sorry, she. Do I? Oh, God.

The last Conservative government almost
destroyed the country.

Time to finish the job.

Labour has got to learn lessons and say
the things our traditional voters want

to hear.

I don't know where that was from.

If there are those who wish to challenge
me, I am up for the fight.

You want to do this shit? You want to do
this? Be my fucking guest. I will

straight up cut a bitch.

So, everyone,

what's

going on here?

Care for how I'm losing another seat?

I think Keir Starmer is going, I thought
Wales would be bigger than this.

Keir Starmer's misunderstood and thought
the important issue was trams, right?

I think he's thinking, can I derail this
too?

Has he just put them in the one mode of
transport you can't do a U -turn in?

By the way, when did the train just say
the country?

How bad, train's gone.

Where are we going? Wales?

When? What week?

Whatever.

I'm going, see it, say it. Oh, he's
fucked it.

Starmer's bored the cameraman so much
he's had to throw himself onto the

Is that a shot at West Streeting or a
Prime Minister replacement service?

Who has Starmer reportedly been advised
to sack? It is West Streeting. It is

West Streeting, yeah. Who I think is
doing that sort of tactic of...

You do that thing where you behave like
you've already got the job that you want

and hope people don't notice But at the
end of that round the points go to Sarah

The thing is, you've angered him and
he's going to take it out on me later.

I can't believe I've been part of a
coup.

It is distracting at work, isn't it? It
is. When someone wants your job.

I know. God, I've an insight into Chris
Armour's world now.

Glenn's even rolled up his sleeves like
he's a politician. He's ready to start

the job.

Enough of this.

Don't book Glenn again.

Awkward power vacuum situation.

Look, when someone says they're finding
someone distracting at work, that does

usually mean they have a crush on them.

Who's got a crush on who in this
situation? No, no, I'm talking about the

Minister again. Oh, sorry, okay.

You really sounded like you had your
hopes up there for a second, Darren.

This is legit.

Who's this crush you're talking about?

Jeez, I wish I had hair.

Hey!

Leave his hair alone!

A lot of tension around the table today.

OK, at the end of that round, the
winners are... Oh, I think the winners

over here.

The winners are Emanuel, Rhys and Sarah.

Join us after the break for more Master
Week.

The next round is called audience
question time. We throw ourselves open

studio audience and invite them to ask
us questions on any topic. First up,

Jason. Is Jason here?

How are you, Jason? Are you well?

I'm well. Oh, Jason's the first in the
series' preference to stand up. You

have to do it. We'll bring the mic to
you. I'm not going to stand up.

There's massive respect there, Jason.
Thank you very much.

Jason, what question do you have for us?

I'd like to ask, what advice would you
give someone that has just arrived in

this country?

Back to travel, agent.

I probably just make stuff up. I tell
them, see all those flags on the

lampposts? They're just to mark the ones
that need to be repaired.

There's actually a Nando's hack that if
you want to get yourself a butterfly

chicken, don't order the butterfly
chicken, because that's £16 .50.

Get two kids' meals, which is £13 total,
but you get the same amount of food,

but you're saving £3.

But I just want to know how the staff
react when you arrive or the two kids To

make that Glen's going for your job and
a manual going for Martin Lewis's job

The way I order it when I'm in there's
like I have two kids bills, please

Any other advice to people who are
driving in? Get on a train and play my

favourite game, Lake or Flooded Field.

LAUGHTER So it's just a company we've
made your way over, struggled through

the things to go, but now we are here.
We can play Lake or Flooded Field,

finally. He didn't say what he explained
to somebody who's come here as an

asylum seeker.

I've visited the country.

It's a fun thing to do. Oh, OK.

I took it as being... Look, I just took
it as... Yeah, that's because you're

obsessed with them, Darry, you right
-wing dick.

LAUGHTER

He's the classic legitimate immigrant.

Pull the ladder up.

I'll let you in.

You were there first.

Yeah, you were.

I'll clap it over you while you're on
the ladder.

I would say, if you have just arrived
into the country, people refer to a shop

called W .H. Smith.

It's gone.

It's gone.

For T .G. Jones.

For all your stationary needs.

Okay, thank you very much, Jason. Thank
you. Very good.

Here's Anita, by any chance. Hi, Anita,
how are you? Hi, nice to see you. What

question do you have for the panel?

Do you have any dating tips?

I'll take this.

A foreigner phone.

That's my friend.

And hide it under the floor with a loose
floorboard and put it on silent.

I've got a good dating tip.

If you go to Nando's, you can get two
kids.

If you've got nothing else to do on
Valentine's Day, I know where you can

something.

I'd wait until after the start before
suggesting a threesome.

I'll give you the advice that my mum
gave me when I was 20, which is be very

careful who you get pregnant by, because
you'll have to see him every two weeks

for the rest of your life.

Absolutely watch your behaviour, because
the slightest thing, somebody will just

decide, no.

No chance. A friend of my wife was once
on a date with a guy and she decided,

absolutely not, because he licked his
knife.

That was it. Last time we were having
dinner, he licked his knife and she

boom, that's it.

And I just thought that was such a minor
thing. But she said, well, if he's like

that on a date, imagine what he's like
at home.

Is he going to come home and he's going
to have his balls in the cutlery drawer?

Also, did she actually do the mime?
Because when you say lick someone's

you're doing it like he's just licking
off some gravy. But what if he was

like... Look at her right in the eye.

And it wasn't like it was a knife that
he had in a special leather.

Thank you very much. Thank you very
much.

Now we come to scenes we'd like to see.
So if everyone can make their way over

to the performance area.

I'll read out the three topics and see
what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go. The first subject is...
Strange flyers to get through your door.

Come work for us at IKEA.

Even if you get a rejection, it's always
good to get your foot in the flogging

slough.

Problem with rodents?

So have we. That's why our pizzas are
just £9 .99.

can get rid of your gran.

Do you want to learn to sound like
you're ending a news report?

Well, with your help, we could make
sites like this a thing of the past.

Do you need your locks fixing?

Well, you found this flyer on your
bedside table, so I'm going to say yes.

Problem with pests?

Imagine how the royal family feel.

Do you need flyers printing?

Me too.

That's why I'm screaming outside your
house.

Enjoy this money -off coupon for
Nando's. Just tell them you're two

Mini Mike and his tiny hands.

No job too small.

Do you need a psychic?

No? God, I'm bad at this.

This is not junk mail.

Although, technically, I am a mail, and
it is my junk.

The Amdram Society presents a plumber
trying to fix a broken toilet in Harper

Lee's to swill a blocking turd.

Three holidays away, all I have to do is
vote reform.

out of tune?

Well, shut the fuck up then.

Quickly, look to your left.

Suddenly need an osteopath?

Call 0800... Each night, the bombing

intensifies. That's right, Rhys James is
back on tour.

Need a comedian for an event but find
Miles Jupp a bit too funny? Try Glenn

Moore.

Yeah, fuck Glenn.

After you've read this, please stick it
to your fridge, or the child who made it

will have died for nothing.

Our survey has discovered that 90 % of
residents in this area don't know that W

.H. Smith has changed its name.

I've been watching you masturbate
through your letterbox.

Please stop masturbating through your
letterbox.

Loft, blow -up doll, maximum wear and
tear, dressed up as Margaret Thatcher.

If found, please return to Glenmore.

Local Tex -Mex burger joint, Lone Star.
That's not our name, that's our hygiene

rating.

Ladies not for turning.

Please don't send me back.

Why not join us on the 3rd of May for
your local Women's Institute gathering?

There'll be raffles, cakes, and
Margaret's famous slut drops.

Come and spend the day where?

Oh! Bigger land.

Filthy curtains. Dirty floors.

Untidy back garden.

Short your life out, you filthy fuck.

The next topic is unlikely lines from a
children's book.

So, you're telling me you kissed a
sleeping woman without her consent?

We're going to have to strip you of your
title of prince.

By David Walliams.

It was a blustery day in the Hundred
Acre Wood.

Pooh trudged along the path.

Hello, owl, he said to Owl.

Get a shirt that covers your dick, said
Owl.

And then Dumbo said, do you want to see
my elephant impression?

said Bonnie Blue.

Who's been sleeping in my bed, said the
Cuckold Bear.

Someone's been eating my porridge, said
Mummy Bear.

Someone's been eating my porridge, said
Baby Bear.

Someone's been drinking my piss, said
Bear Grill.

Someone's been sitting in my chair.

Said Hugh, while he was watching this
show.

And Rapunzel's hair continued to grow
until it was long enough to reach all

way from the top of the castle down to
the floor outside, as the wait continued

for Man United to win five games in a
row.

And why am I called after Paddington
Station, said the bear?

Well, I've got a lot of people into
reading.

No, reading.

It's reading.

As he unzipped his trousers, the giant
yelled, Fee -fi -fo -fum, you won't

believe how much I cum.

I tell you that, it is unlikely.

Don't worry, Piglet, said Pooh, Eeyore's
just having a bath, and we should...

Where's our toaster?

My, my, Grandma, what big tits you have.

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, throw down your
weave.

I think Alice has fallen down a rabbit
hole.

she keeps doing weird tweets about how
5g gives you x and when

alice awoke thinking of all of the crazy
things that had happened and the

strange people that she'd met she
thought i'll never take ketamine ever

no golem i won't stick my finger in your
ring

Wow, said Charlie, a chocolate river. He
couldn't believe he was at the Thames

facility.

What big teeth you've got, Nana.

I've just come back from turkey love.

And if we leave a trail of breadcrumbs,
we can find our way back, said Hansel.

How dare you waste food when the world
is burning, said Greta.

Professor Snape is off six, so Professor
Freud will be filling him. Feeling him,

fucking him, sucking his dick.

At the end of that round, the points go
to Zoe, Ed and Glenn.

That's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Sarah Pascoe,
Rhys James and Emmanuel Sabu.

Commiserations to Zoe Lyons, Ed Byrne
and Glenn Moore.

Thank you for watching. I'm Daryl Breen.
Good night.