All language subtitles for Mock the Week - S22E04

Read about the things that happen
throughout the world.

Don't believe in everything you see or
hear.

Read all about it.

Read all about it. News of the world.
News of the world.

And welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Daryl
O 'Brien. Joining me this week are Ria

Lina, Rhys James and Mark Simmons,
Angela Barnes, Sean McLaughlin and

Beckett -Kay.

We start tonight with a round call. If
this is the answer, what is the question

on the board of six categories? Sean,
which category would you like?

I will have sport, please. Okay, your
topic is sport. The answer is two.

Is it how many people in this audience
are staring at me amazed that Lionel

Messi has been booked for Mock the
Witch?

Is it based on this seating plan, what's
the maximum amount of gingers allowed

on a single team?

Is it how many pubes does Rhys James
have?

Not anymore.

Hope you enjoyed your dinner.

Is it what is the sum of how many good
decisions Keir Starmer has made plus

Is it how many men does my wife invite
round when she wants to freeze them?

Is it how many brothers does Princess
Anne wish she had?

Is it what number will you never see
after the film title Marley and Me?

Too soon?

Is it how many faces has Peter Mandelson
got?

Is it how many fingers is too many for a
prostate examination?

You look traumatised then, Dara, so... I
know too much.

Is it at what hour do I, a bad boy,
start eating after rape?

Is it in what year did the Virgin Mary
start googling nannies based in

Is it what we're going to have to lower
the drinking age to to save all the

pubs?

Is it how many sex positions do I know?

Is it how many syllables and what the
syllables are in Desmond's surname?

What is the maximum number of sneezes
you can do in a row before I think

an attention -seeking bellet?

Is it how many words does Donald Trump
read on an autocue before he goes off

screen?

Is it what's my Uber rating, given I
always ask for a go on the gears?

You have the correct answer.

How many people know what the word
wuthering actually means?

Did someone actually win two gold
medals?

At the Winter Olympics? Like two?

That's correct. Thank you very much,
Realina. You're very good.

Yes,

the question I'm looking for was, how
many gold medals did Team GB's Matt

win at this year's Winter Olympics in
Milan Cortina? This year, Weston became

the first British athlete in history to
win two medals in a single Winter

Olympics. The men's skeleton and the
mixed team skeleton with Tabitha Stoker.

That's mad, the skeleton.

It's insane. Going down a mountain on a
tea tray, I'd rather go down on a

gorilla.

Too many Winter Olympic sports are the
same.

They're all just versions of sledding,
isn't it?

It's just sledding, head first,
sledding, feet first, sledding, feet

a bloke on top of you.

There's too many Winter Olympic sports
where the person doing it could die

halfway through and we wouldn't even
know.

If a corpse was going round, they could
be on their third victory lap and we'd

only then know.

Do you think they'd loop around on that
corpse?

Are the dead ones why they call it
skeleton?

I love the name. Like, I just read, what
is it, Matt Weston wins skeleton gold?

What a great headline.

It could be anything. You found the
skeleton gold adventure.

But the Orcs rubies will not come so
easily.

He's either a Winter Olympian or a
pirate. There's two people who win

gold. The headline, Brit takes gold in
skeleton, does sound like we're just

trying to fill up the British Museum
again.

They said he celebrated with three
slices of margarita pizza.

Like, that's the rich tea of pizzas, for
a start.

If I won a gold medal at the Olympics,
I'd be waterboarding myself with Ben and

Jerry's and then getting bonnie -blued
by the Danish ice hockey team. That's

right.

I just really get that image out of your
head, Scott.

When you're being interviewed by Claire
Balding, you wouldn't use the word

bonnie -blue as a verb.

Didn't we win a gold in snowboarding as
well? Yeah, in the Snowboard Cross,

which is an excellent event, because
then one group down first, and then you

stagger the... Oh, it's just a really
good race of a thing, yeah. The

Cross Mixed Relay. Yes. Which is way too
specific and way too many words to be

impressive. Yeah. It's like the sort of
award that a service station wins.

LAUGHTER In a service station, you see a
sign that says, we've got officially

the most carbon -neutral WH Smiths on
the M6 southbound.

LAUGHTER

We'll never be a winter sport power
because of because of our climate now I

to Canada a couple of winters ago It was
minus 30 degrees when I landed minus 30

if it got to minus 30 in this country Do
you think the airport would still be

open? If it got to minus 30 in this
country the king would go on the news to

legalize cannibalism All order is over
just survive

just survive we may see you in spring we
may not

Matt, to be credit for what he's done,
only took this up because he was injured

playing other sports. He was generally
very good at sports.

And he ended up in hospital with a
shattered back and then was noticed

one day the porter was pushing him for
the operation and slipped.

And he was out the front door of the
hospital and down the main street and

like, ahhh!

And there were two guys lifting it, they
had a pane of glass and they're like

forward and back.

Then there's the guy going, oh, I've set
up me fruit stall for the day.

And then there's a washing line, and he
went through that as well. And then he's

all in ladies' underwear. Oh!

How have the curling events been the
hotbed of controversy at these Olympics?

Well, there's been lots of controversy
about cheating, darling.

But there's always been cheating in
curling. It's just usually they sweep

under the carpet really quickly.

Thank you!

It's so controversial.

There's been more double -touching at
this Olympics than in the Epstein Files.

They said it was a lot of fuss over
nothing, didn't they, the double

They said it's not much a single finger
can do. I say you haven't lived.

It's the finger in question. It's the
Canadian. Is that a lingering finger? Is

that a lingering finger past the line?
You have to release it and not let it

like when they were in the Swedes or
Furious.

They were swearing, wasn't it? They were
swearing on the ice.

I get why they cheated, to get the glory
of being an Olympic gold medalist in

curling. There's not a person in this
room who didn't grow up wanting to be

Klaus Flogel when they were little.

What is the actual issue with double
touching?

Is it because it'll make you go blind?

There is a big cultural difference with
the Canadians that maybe we don't

realize. My wife is Canadian, so I know
this. Like, I remember on our first

date, I said to her, you look a million
dollars. Right. Do you have any idea how

weak the Canadian dollar is?

But curling is, to be fair, like,
obviously curling is pathetic.

We know that.

It's an active activity at best. Okay,
curling.

What? That's a shit stag do, isn't it?

It's darts. It's no different than
darts. It is darts. It's a pumpkin.

doing darts on their stag do? Never
organize a stag do.

It's very tough to be a stripper at that
stag do.

I said single touch, not double.

But it is the only Winter Olympics sport
with transferable skills because

there's a cleaning element to it where
you could actually do a job after it.

did you point at me when you're talking
about cleaning?

I've done so much directing at me.

Oh, okay, yeah, let the Irishman clean.

You're just in the crossfire like a
stripper on a stag do, I'm afraid.

But like the other Olympics, there's no
transferable skills, is there? If you do

the luge, what can you do? Just test out
MRI machines in future.

It has been an Olympics marked by, and
this sounds obvious in a way, people

slipping and sliding. There's been a lot
of people falling over and doing badly.

I mean, the men figure skating.

I mean, what a huge surprise, because
all of the favourites fell, and the

was the guy who just did a figure of
eight pushing a penguin.

But this guy, I feel for him, because
he's an American citizen, but his

are both Russian, so it's not surprising
he's getting a bit nervous around ice.

Mira, what's going on here?

Well, I guess it's not just the police
who are looking for leads.

I really feel like step on your toes
there. I do apologise.

Dogs are usually taken out for a shit,
not by a shit.

It's actually nice to see him wearing
trousers for once.

What's happened is he's realised that
the only way that the British public

hate him more is if he becomes the dog
bin man.

I think that dog's looking pretty
healthy, given in the last six weeks

probably only been fed shredded
documents.

The biggest PR team have just gone, you
need to look more normal. Just go out

and take your dog for a walk. Not like
that.

Do you know your rigid dog?

That's the dog you have. Bring that
rigid dog out for a walk somewhere.

be great.

He looks like he hasn't got cash to pay
the cabbie and he's gone, is this all

right?

Maybe he's just, after all the
paparazzi, he just takes the dog and

He's holding it the wrong way around.

I can't remember how long it took to
train my dog, but it'll come to me.

The thing that upsets me about the whole
Manderson thing, though, really, is

that the police searched his house, and
it took them two days.

If the police searched my house, it
would take four minutes.

They would just be like, oh, is it under
the stairs? He doesn't have stairs.

Oh, is it in the garden? He doesn't have
a garden.

Oh, is it under the mattress?

You're not going to believe this.

Has anyone been on the island recently,
by the way? Has anyone actually gone out

to that island? Does it still operate?
You wondered if you could get a cheap

holiday? No, I just wondered.

This is the stuff Martin Lewis won't
tell you.

Surely the flights will be relatively
cheap now, and the accommodation will be

clear, and there's no nail, or whatever.
I mean, it must be Jurassic Park. It

must be reverted back to nature.

It's going to turn up on one of those
Omaze ads.

This incredible island was probably
scrubbing furiously the back.

It's like how weddings are really cheap
if you have them on September the 11th

still. It's that sort of... So what,
we're talking a 9 -11 wedding on Epstein

Island? I want to know what the payment
references were.

Because he supposedly got sent 75 grand
in three payments by Epstein.

But when you buy a dildo on the
internet, it doesn't say dildoshop .com

bank statement.

How do you know that?

It's like, Dartmouth Solutions Limited.

Finally, during the update, there's a
lawyer typing in Dartmouth Solutions.

financial advisor going, what?

We're on the telly. This is the best
press I've ever got in my life.

If you buy a dildo now online, what you
do is banks will go, you sure this is

not a scam?

Have you checked the dildo? Have you
looked at the dildo? Who did you buy the

dildo from?

Is it definitely a real dildo? Stop
making me, stop asking me questions. Is

dildo for a relative?

That's a deal that would have been
recommended by somebody who contacted

of the blue.

That happens.

I look at Mandelson now and I just
wonder, how much more scandal, how much

disgrace can this man be hit with? I
mean, what is going to emerge next? Is

going to emerge that Mandelson wrote the
finale of Game of Thrones and he's got

Nando's black card and he only uses it
for water?

There's going to be a picture of him
kissing a bat in Wuhan in 2012.

At the end of that round, the points go
to Anderson and Alistair.

Join us after the break for more Mock
the Week.

The next round is called Between the
Lines, and the pitch is Alistair and

Would you make your way to the press
pit, please?

Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise
of a leading figure on the world stage,

and Alistair will translate what they
really mean.

This week, Rhys is Emmanuel Macron.

Bonjour, je m 'appelle Emmanuel Macron.

Je suis le président de la République.

Je voudrais vous parler.

Is this going to be all in French?

Our countries are... I've lost
confidence in the accent.

I'm going to... I'm going back to my
one, thank you.

Our countries are so close
geographically, it is a pleasure to make

I'm gonna do the accent the whole way
through.

I came by dinghy from Calais to piss off
Nigel Farage.

I am so cool, I even wear sunglasses
indoors.

I have conjunctivitis.

We will work tirelessly in the defense
of Europe.

24 hours a day, seven days a week.

We will work tirelessly in the defense
of Europe, six hours a day, four days a

week.

Back home, I have to be on my guard
against the rising right.

Mind you, Bridget has a great left hook,
too.

I remain very sad about Brexit.

The UK has been in the EU since 1973.

It was so long ago, my wife was only in
her 40s.

Remember, it was France that lit the
flame of liberty for the world.

And then threw it through the window of
the nearest car.

I will defend negative stereotypes of
the French until my last breath.

Although, it will smell of garlic.

European countries all face the same
common problems.

Moi.

I want to say that I am very sympathetic
to the difficulties Keir Starmer is

having.

I have an excellent relationship with
Trump.

I'm so far up his arse, I can see Keir
Starmer's shoes.

Well done, Teresa Larson!

So, what's going on here?

It's Keir Starmer, just... one rock,
paper, scissors to get all the chairs.

What I'm more worried about is why at
this conference is there a headboard

a pair of gold handcuffs on the board?

Dartmouth Solutions Limited, of course.

She's like, we also arrange conferences.

The storm of saying Britain doesn't need
to increase defence spending, not with

these fists.

Let me show you my one -inch punch.

The staff would think this is the first
date's restaurant, and that's Fred.

What is it? Where is it happening? Do we
know? I think this is Munich, where

Macron was giving a speech about
Europe's need to rearm.

And it's very important that that is
delivered in a French accent and not a

German accent.

You know, if it weren't for the French
accent, the ideal accent would have been

a Geordie accent, because it's
statistically the most trustworthy.

Like, I regret to inform you all that we
are at war with Russia.

Given's panic.

Yes, it is. Emmanuel Macron, UK Prime
Minister, kissed down a picture at the

Munich Security Conference recently.

Do you know what Macron said during his
speech?

I found it pretty harrowing to hear him
say that he wants Europe to become a

geopolitical power.

Sorry, are we not already a geopolitical
power? That's like if you're getting a

driving lesson and the instructor goes,
God, one day I hope to pass my test.

LAUGHTER At the end of that round, the
points go to Mark, Rhys and Ria.

The next round is called You Win Some,
You Lose Some.

This game... ..involves Mark and Sean,
so if you could make your way to the

performance area, please. This round is
a stand -up challenge. I launch the

wheel of news, and wherever tuned, one
of our performers must step forward and

talk about that subject.

The winner is whoever I think is the
funniest.

OK, here we go. Let's have our first
topic, please.

OK, it's media.

Oh.

Everything's changing in the media.

Apparently, we're the last generation
who are ever going to know what a

newspaper is.

All right, physical newspapers are going
to die out in the next 10 years. Oh,

this is a tragedy.

They're the one thing from our time on
this earth, the future generations,

they're not going to be able to get
their heads around.

You tell a kid in 30 years what a
newspaper was, they're going to be like,

are you talking about?

You're telling me there was a 7 ,000
-page document with all the news in it

all the sport, and some of them just had
tits in it?

Yeah, that's what we have of all the
internet. Big sort of Argos catalogue

of news, sport.

Yeah, topless women, but also money
advice, Garfield comics, financial news,

this sort of stuff. What was it, like
once a month you'd get it?

Every day of your life.

There was a new one to read every day of
your life. What, even on Sunday? On

Sunday they were twice as big. No one
knows why.

No one knows why, but they were there
waiting for you on your doorstep in the

morning. What, there wasn't like a shop
that you went to? This is going to sound

crazy. We hired children to bring them
to us.

I don't know how any of it was legal.

We had massive heavy bricks full of tits
and images of war, and we summoned the

children from their beds.

Get up!

Drag this sack around the neighborhood.
Mr. O 'Reilly needs to see a topless

woman before 7 o 'clock.

Or he's not going to drive the school
bus.

Thank you very much, Charles.

OK, the leaves have been marked.

Let's see who your topless is.

Going out.

Oh, I've had a great day today. Went out
earlier, found some money in the

street. Just next to some bloke singing.

So my wife hates public displays of
affection.

It's one day she wouldn't kiss me in
front of people and I think she ruined

wedding.

That's not true.

No, I don't have a wife.

Do I have a girlfriend? No, that's true.
And actually after, she wants to go out

for a meal tomorrow night. She said yes.

So now I've got the flat to myself.

Recently went to an Italian restaurant,
couldn't decide which pizza I wanted,

and the guy was like, half and half?

I was like, no, I'll pay.

After the woman where the toilet was,
she said, straight out the back. I said,

know how to do it.

The other day, my grandmother fell
asleep in the restaurant. It's okay,

it was Nando's.

This guy's phone went off a bit rude. He
answered it just after the chat.

Just started having a chat during the
gig. I was like, right, I'm a

comedian. I'll deal with this. I said,
who is it? He went, it's your mum.

And that got laughed in the room. I
thought, actually, it's quite funny.

Anyway, turns out he'd nicked my phone.

I did this benefit gig, like a charity
fundraiser, and Boris Johnson was there,

right? And he knew I was a comedian.

He asked me the classic question. He
said, what's the worst heckle you've

had? And I said, fuck off, you wanker.

I don't get heckled.

Thank you very much, Mark.

I did round the band's go -to.

Shove a gotcha! Let me come back here.
Thank you very much.

Join us after the break for more of The
Week.

Our next round is called Picture of The
Week.

I'll turn the panel to Topic and I'm
going to ask them to tell me what's

happening. So, teams, what's going on
here?

Six hard hats, one helmet.

This is a work they visit from a local
company. I think they're called

Solutions.

Very discreet. Ring them up, call them.

It won't appear in your phone bill. It's
very good.

They're not a scam.

Is it the village people?

This is why you check the WhatsApp. I'm
going as a builder.

Gosh, it's nice to see someone who's in
the Epstein files actually surrounded by

actual minors.

Yes, of course it is.

Your president, Donald Trump, with a
group of coal miners receiving an award.

Somebody gave an award to Donald Trump.
This comes at a time when Trump has also

reversed environment policy from the
Obama era to declare greenhouse gases

endangering public health, claiming it
was a giant scam.

So what award did he get from the
Washington Coal Club?

He won the Undisputed Champion of
Beautiful Clean Coal Award.

And I cannot believe that award has
allowed itself to be demeaned like this.

Right -wing coal miners are baffling to
me, you know? I grew up in Durham where

it was all about coal mines and it was
all about the unions.

Like, when I was a kid, even fairy
lights were fully unionized, you know?

remember in the 90s? Because if one of
them stopped working... One

out, all out.

Solidarity. He's making it out to be a
huge thing, but it's just a minor award.

what you do to get some a kid to eat
their dinner it's embarrassing to have

make up it's what the brownies and the
scouts are all about i'm sure i've long

said that why why does that have to stop
you know i would definitely do my tax

return on time if i've got a badge but
why why don't we get badges for adult

things that's not adult things it's your
road job badge i would

definitely get it but where would i sew
it on

Nothing better than a woman in a
negligee with loads of badges sewn onto

negligee.

This one's for hands, this one's for
face.

You can get a self -esteem badge. How
shit are you going to feel if you don't

get it?

Who else has been excited to meet Trump
recently?

Oh, Liz Truss. Liz Truss!

Look at her little face!

Look at her little face!

She's so excited.

Looks like they're about to go out first
round on Pointless.

To me, it's like when people post
photographs on Facebook with the

has good days and bad days.

We took him for a lovely lunch at that
hotel we usually go to. It's really

I've actually done some research about
this picture. I saw that picture, and

many people know this, but that woman
was the Prime Minister.

It is a very weird thing, like, a small
-time British villain meets a big,

proper international villain, you know?
It's like Scarface meeting Blakey from

off the buses.

I've got a question.

In America, if two immigration agents
have a kid, is that an ice -ice baby?

You're pushing it.

At the end of that round, the points go
to Mark, Rhys and Ria.

Our next round is Tim Heston.

I, to the panel, have pictures of two
well -known figures and ask them to tell

me how they might be connected.

So what connects me to international spy
James Bond?

Is it that your full name is Dara Double
O 'Brien?

It's a tragedy, really, because 007 is
your sperm count, isn't it?

That'll be fine now.

Thank you very much.

Is it that everyone thought in the
reboot they'd both be played by a woman?

Out of my cold, dead hands.

Is it sex addiction?

Kill him.

He's got Bond girls.

Have you got O 'Brien girls?

O 'Brien girls doesn't sound as
glamorous, I've got to say. The O 'Brien

just sounds like, you know, sort of your
sisters.

Oh, the O 'Brien girls have been off to
trouble. They've been tipping the cows

again out there.

It sounds like some girls who went
missing sort of 40 years ago. Oh, no!

No -one heard from the O 'Brien girls
again.

The town is still haunted by the memory
of the O 'Brien girls.

Is it that you've both got the license
to kill the vibe?

Is it that you've both got the license
to kill my career?

Is it that you've both had characters
based on you in the Austin Powers films?

Don't even finish that, don't even
extend that. Sean, I've enjoyed your

ever appearance on...

I mean, you've got the licence to kill
Sean's career.

You've been doing the same job for
decades, don't look any older.

You're welcome.

That's the nicest of all of them.

Both just really attractive, charismatic
people I have a lot of respect for.

Both of you think you're the main guy,
but it's sort of the teams around you

that make it good.

Is it both of them, despite what people
may think, have actually been played by

Irish people?

Okay, well, I'll play... This is not
a... This is a persona I have. He's

Irish. Yeah.

The thing that... Dara's been good to
me, I suppose.

Is it that you're wearing the same
outfit in these pictures?

I am, although I feel I'm not wearing it
as accurately as he is.

I've worn tuxedos a lot over the course
of my life. Did you have to pick one in

which I'm like...

For some reason, I'm giving, I'm trying
to give a smoldering look, and yet my

tie is going, for Doigan.

His picture, obviously, is James Bond,
and yours would have been hosting, like,

mortgage provider.

No,

it's not that. It's dude's face.

You both won't shut up about it.

That was an exciting fact.

Like a moon named after you. It's very
close. It's not a moon, no. A

constellation. Not a constellation.

Asteroids. Amazing constellation.

Violet, a fucking alien.

We both have an asteroid named after us.
Oh.

So we could all get flattened by the
Dara O 'Brien. Oh, yeah. If it gets

out of its path, it will destroy all
life on Earth.

You're proud of that, aren't you? For
about six weeks, I'll get a lot of

coverage.

So why do you have this?

How do you get this? Why did they name
it after you?

Are you a similar size?

Us boys aren't all laughing. They're
bigger than me.

If it wasn't bigger than you and we
wrote about it destroying the Earth.

If I was fired from base, I would not
destroy the Earth. I would burn up in

atmosphere. That is true. Because you're
Irish. Because I'm Irish.

Very close.

Yeah, well, it'd be the Guinness,
wouldn't it?

It's a white head.

Why, by the way, independent of this,
why has James Bond been in the news

recently? I think he's facing war crime
charges.

There's speculation over who the new
Bond is. As there always is, but Callum

Turner is the name of the actor.

There's a picture of Callum Turner.

He looks like a Rorschach test.

No,

no, no, it's the guy in front, not the
shape behind.

I was thinking it was weird that my
aunt's breasts were behind him.

You know, genuinely, because this annoys
me, because Callum Turner is already

engaged to Dua Lipa. Yeah. And now he's
potentially going to be James Bond. How

good do you want your life to fucking
be, mate?

He's basically picking off everyone's
dreams.

And I genuinely, two years ago,
auditioned for Johnny English Jr.

The best thing about that is you did it
two years ago, so you are already in

your 30s.

I was 33 years old, Angela.

Johnny English's son.

Doesn't have a name of his own. Johnny
English Jr.

That's what I was hoping was going to,
you know, mock the weekend did. I was

like, it's all right, I'm a film star
now. Anyway, back here.

At the end of that round, I was sheer
pity. That's what we're ending on, is

Blaming everything.

This is my big career.

This is how the show ends. The camera
pulls slowly off your face.

Goes out of the studio and into the rest
of this lot, Elstree lot, whatever,

where it then turns and you can see the
filming of Johnny in the studio.

It's just, I don't know, James Acaster,
I don't know.

Yeah,

OK, at the end of that round, the
point's going to Mark, Rhys and Ria.

Join us after the break for more Mock
the Week.

Now we play a game called You Think
That's Bad.

In a world where everything seems to be
going wrong, this is a chance for our

performers to compete to outdo each
other with tales of woe from their

And I decide whose is the worst. Anyone
care to start us off? I'll start.

Oh, Angela. Do you know what I did this
week? I accidentally sexted my father

-in -law.

I was staying in a hotel. It had nice
tiles in the bathroom and he liked that

sort of thing. So I sent him a picture
and I didn't realise my reflection was

the mirror.

I mean, that's bad, but did he respond
to the text?

Not yet. Still waiting, Brian.

My mother -in -law sent me a weird
message the other day. I sent her

innocent like, what are you up to? She
texted back saying she's got nothing on.

You think that's bad? I asked a friend
to guess my age, and he said bronze.

You think that's bad? My wife recently
said to me the worst words a husband can

hear. You're not sorry you did it,
you're sorry you got caught.

Yeah. I wasn't cheating, I'd wiped a
yoghurt lid on the cat.

I mean, that will get dealt with. I
mean, the cat's going to deal with that

situation. It is very much a self
-cleaning thing, the cat.

You think that's bad? And this isn't as
bad.

Nowhere near as bad.

But you think that's bad? I recently
found out the fire brigade no longer

out and rescue cats who have stuck up
trees.

I had to set the tree on fire.

You think that's bad? I was visiting my
friend in my new fur coat and her

husband wiped a yoghurt lid on me.

You think that's bad? My mobile phone is
so rubbish, a guy in a scooter came

past and gave it to me.

You think that's bad? The doctor found a
bit of Lego in my bum.

I said, is that the weirdest thing
you've ever found? He said, it's not the

weirdest, but it's definitely up there.

You think that's bad? A doctor once
found a two -pound coin up my arse, and

we had an argument about who got to keep
it.

What did he get to keep it? It does, it
is. Was that your bottom dollar?

For the rest of the show, the aim is to
find one you don't have a

joke about.

You think that's bad? I spent four hours
the other day looking for my Kinder Egg

toy. Turns out I'd been eating a baby
belt.

You think that's bad? My girlfriend got
so annoyed at me using my phone, she

threw it across the room.

Luckily, I put it on airplane mode.

You think that's bad? I'm so anxious
that I tried to watch pornography, but

were doing it in the back of a taxi, and
I kept thinking, the meter's still

running!

You think that's bad? This guy asked me
the other day if I was British, and he

said, yeah, I am. And he said, oh,
because your face isn't British.

I would have loved to tell him to fuck
off, but he still had my passport.

You think that's bad? My friend suffered
from anxiety, and I told him, if you

ever start to panic, take a deep breath.

He drowned.

You think that's bad? I saw a bit of
packaging earlier that said, danger of

suffocation, keep away from babies.

But I'm not worried, because I don't
think a baby could suffocate me.

Their hands are too small.

They would take you down in seconds.

At the end of that round.

Can I just point out, don't have
anything about baby suffocation by the

of it.

Where's your thought about baby
suffocation?

Actually, don't hold your breath.

The point is we're going to mark reason
real.

Now we come to scenes we'd like to see.
So if everyone can make their way over

to the performance area, I'll read out
this week's topics, and then we'll see

what our panel can come up with. Okay,
here we go. The first subject is things

you wouldn't hear on a travel show.

So, what can I say about North Korea?

Well, if I want my passport back,
absolutely nothing.

Of course, this area used to be known
for quicksand.

But things have changed.

On this week's episode of Great Railway
Journeys, we'll be making the eight

-hour trip from Manchester to half a
mile outside Manchester.

Mum, bye.

I'm here in Switzerland saying bye to
Mum.

Today we pay our respects to one of
Scotland's greatest female pop stars by

visiting one of her favourite
destinations.

We are going to Honolulu.

Here in the Dead Sea, it is impossible
for anything to think, so I'm really

regretting that crafty shit I just had.

Hi, I'm Michael fucking Palin, and this
week I'm in fucking Ipswich.

Well, you can tell there's a lion nearby
from these warm droppings I've just

done in my pants.

On a beach this unspoilt, you know you
can go for miles without seeing a single

living... Hi, Ramesh.

We've been at the resort for a couple of
days now, and my wife just informed me

that one of the members of staff keeps
checking her out, which is weird, cos he

knows we're staying all week.

It's time for the British travel show
generator.

Let's spin the wheel. Now we've got Ed
Balls travelling through South Sudan on

tandem bicycle.

They're calling it a staycation, but
it's actually six months for armed

And the plane descends into Madrid
airport, or as Ryanair call it, Berlin

This footage of Britain's coastline
really is one of the BBC's best -kept

secrets. Not the best, of course.

They say to really enjoy a place, you've
got to go off the beaten track.

Great, now I'm lost!

Travel. Romance.

Luxury. It's not for you.

I'm here in Kazakhstan to dispel the
harmful stereotypes perpetuated about

Kazakhstan in Western media. And with me
is my wife.

The next topic is unlikely things to
hear at the Winter Olympics.

Fucking cold, innit?

It's actually slippier than it looks.

And now it's time... for the cross
-country skiing.

Iran, Russia, Syria, all very cross
-countries indeed.

Ice Cube was going to perform at the
opening ceremony, but due to global

warming, here's wet, wet, wet.

Oh, that's very clever from the Russian
bobsleigh team. Saving space by putting

the smallest athlete inside the second
smallest athlete inside the...

And here at the bobsleigh, the Jamaican
team is doing terribly.

Everyone's crying.

This isn't charming at all.

And his dreams of Olympic gold come to
an end with winning Olympic gold. That

was a weird way to phrase that.

I'm high.

And that's all from the biathlon. Next
up, we have the gayathlon, the

straightathlon and the anything after a
couple of pintsathlon.

Now, I'm not saying the British curling
team is middle class, but they do have a

Filipino woman doing the sweeping.

And they've dropped their sticks, and
now they're fighting, and the blind

bobsleigh has descended into Anakin.

Oh, look at that. Two, three, four full
flips in the air. I don't think you'll

be allowed to drive the air ambulance
again.

This is the most nervous I've seen
skaters since Dancing on Ice was hosted

Philip Schofield.

Welcome to Milan, home to Prada, Miu
Miu, Versace and other shit names for

British children.

After a shaky start for the Italian,
just a few days later, he's back.

And you know, that's a little bit like
Jesus, isn't it?

Oh, I should have bought a coat.

As they come pelting down the slope, I'm
reminded that Winter Olympians have 14

words for snow, but only one word for...
And if anyone is at

home watching the curling and thinking
it might be fun to take part yourself,

please keep in mind, every single person
here is a virgin.

Where do I get my poles from?

Dartmouth Solutions Limited.

And of course, beneath the slopes, the
ice warriors wait, biding their time,

dreaming their deathless dreams in
chambers vast beyond a match.

Is that Claire Balding?

Shall we just wait till it's sunny? This
is fucking shit.

Apologies to all viewers, apparently
that thing in the ice hockey is called a

puck.

This is lovely to see. The first ever
drag queen to win gold in the bobsleigh.

It's the end of that round. The points
go to Angela, Sean and Alistair.

Back at the end of the show, this week's
winners are...

Commiserations to Angela Barnes, Sean
McLaughlin, and Alison Beckett -King.

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara Breen.
Good night.