All language subtitles for Mock.The.Week.S23E01.480p.x264-mSD[EZTVx.to]

Read about the things that happen
throughout the world.

Don't believe in everything you see out
here.

Read all about it. Read all about it.

Welcome to a special summer run of Mock
the Week because there's so much news

about. I'm Dara Breen. Joining me this
week are Aher Shah, Rhys James and Laura

Lex, Sarah Pascoe, Ed Gamble and Josh
Pugh.

We start now with a round called Picture
of the Week. I show the panel a topical

image and ask them to tell me what is
happening. So teams, what is going on

here?

Was this taken just a few seconds before
thousands of birds landed on it?

Oh my God, Dara, he's coming for your
job as well.

Because of the slogan and his skin tone,
he does look a bit like a sex robot for

women with low self -esteem.

Are there, Sarah, are there sex robots
for women with high self -esteem?

That was actually supposed to be a
train, that picture.

But it didn't arrive.

Do you think he knows there's a bus
behind him?

With Keir Starmer in the driver's seat
going, yep, just stay very still.

Is he saying, the prophecy has been
fulfilled.

The Vengabus has arrived!

No, this is the trailer for Transformers
5, Bumblebee has career regrets.

I don't know what this is. Dara, is this
the advert that convinced you to get

those glasses?

I've always worn glasses. This is not
the first time you've ever seen me wear

glasses. I've always worn glasses. Tink,
have you ever not seen me wear glasses?

No, you're right. I've always worn
glasses.

Well, that's done.

You look fantastic.

Thank you very, very much. You look like
a witch has tried to turn you into an

owl and it's got stuck.

be a good opportunity to talk about my
new panel show on TLC, Unacceptable.

When does that start again?

It starts in July.

I don't think, don't let him talk about
it at the beginning, he'll leave again.

He's only here.

Okay, so we know what's happening, but
you can't tell us when. Yeah, every

round, one piece of information.

Sorry, after this very short summer run
of Mock the Week.

No, no, too much information.

Sorry,

are we allowed to just slag you off and
then plug stuff?

I'm on tour in September.

Unbelievable.

Don't applaud that one and just make it
go into the edit. I've got a compliment

for you. I think you look nice, just
like my new range of sex robots.

I think it sounds great, Ed. Does it
have guests?

It does have guests. Does it have small
female guests?

Yes, we have some of the smallest female
guests available.

You're starting to sound a bit Prince
Andrew there.

Yes, they were invited.

Would you like the correct answer?

Well, let's see if anyone else wants to
pitch in. Is this one of the guests on

upcoming TLC?

Even the people from TLC watching this,
like, in a different part of the

building are going, too much now, isn't
it?

Do they know the correct answer? This is
Andy Burnham. It is indeed Andy

Burnham. Absolutely. Thank you very
much.

Yes. Of course.

This is Andy Burnham, Labour's candidate
for the upcoming by -election in

Makerfield. This is the news that
there's another momentous by -election

up, and this time it's a close race
between Labour and Reform.

Voting will take place on June the 18th.
So why is Andy Burnham running?

Well, the bus is chasing him.

LAUGHTER Why is he running? Because he's
a middle -aged man. And it's that or

fishing.

LAUGHTER It's actually why he's standing
in front of this bus. So this is the B

network that he introduced.

In Manchester, these buses. And he now
be networking.

If he wins, we're going to have the
first Northern Prime Minister.

Are we going to get all sort of Northern
policies?

You know, he's going to reopen the
button factories and get rid of VAT on

On tour, September.

That's his thing, though. That's his big
plan, is to just put a few buses on.

It's not.

It's not like you're winning an
election, is it? You're trying to get

reception guest back from a wedding,
it's not.

It's not like you're winning an
election.

His whole thing is that he's King of the
North.

I don't know if you've seen the news
lately, but I don't know that you want

be aligning yourself with royal titles
at the moment, especially if your name

Andrew.

Also, in Game of Thrones, King of the
North gets beheaded, right? Sorry if

that's a spoiler for anyone.

Don't worry, Sarah, it's not on TLC, I
don't watch that shit.

I'll tell you what is on the table.

Mock the week, which you're supposed to
be doing now.

Focus, focus, focus.

I'll tell you Starmer's biggest problem.
It's his name.

It rhymes with too many things. It's too
easy to have a go at him. We've had 2T

Akia already.

Starmer the Farmer Harmer.

He can't get anything going. He's like,
what are we doing next, lads? Oh, it

says here we're taxing beer and chicken
shwarmas.

I'd say he'd be a good Prime Minister.
Jason Orange.

Yeah.

Everyone's piling in on Starmer. So Tony
Blair has made a rare intervention.

Tony Blair rarely intervenes. It's like
when my mum calls me to ask why I don't

have kids yet.

I'm like, you haven't brought that up in
days.

Why don't you have kids yet?

I mean, we were talking about this to
your mum yesterday.

She'd be so happy. She's not going to be
around forever.

Yeah.

It's just that my wife and I are
throwing this really big party in July

first episode of Unacceptable.

I wouldn't want to be able to get the
beer.

A child would ruin the party.

Sarah, can I just say, from my
perspective, this is going fantastic.

It's more that we think that we want to
try and conceive during the first

episode of Unacceptable.

You've got to find something to do.

Is that someone not getting a booking
for Unacceptable?

In other news, why is Robert Kenyon,
reformed candidate in the making for a

-election, a controversial pick?

Sexist. Well, there's that. Shift online
stuff.

He posted a lot of stuff online that
was, yeah, that doesn't historically

up to much viewing. As, like, misogynist
sexist scandals online go, I think this

is one of the funniest.

Because I genuinely think there's a
reason for not becoming a politician.

It being because you've previously
stated you would lick Carol Borderman's

off.

He supported somebody else saying
something along those lines. Yeah, he

say it. He just said it's what we're all
thinking. It's what we're all thinking,

Sarah. But why does she demand an
apology?

Surely that's a compliment.

Surely it's a compliment of any age. To
be fair to Carol Vorderman, she was rear

of the ear, not anus of the anus.

But then he sort of deflected by saying
that Carol Vorderman, well, she hasn't

said anything about grooming gangs.
Yeah.

It doesn't really work like that, does
it?

Can I sniff your arsehole? Sorry? Well,
you're silent on fracking.

The complaint that he has is that in
recent times, Makerfield's become a bit

a shithole, which you'd think he'd be
into.

Do you know, I've just thought of a show
this guy would be very good on.

He's a plumber, isn't he? He's a
plumber, yes. So if he gets the job,

probably not going to turn up anyway.

I do kind of want to see him turn up at
the House of Commons wearing what he

wears in all the photos.

The first MP to be paid cash in hand
wearing Boohoo for men.

The Green Party MP for Gordon and
Denton, plumber.

And this guy, other end of the political
spectrum, also a plumber.

I smell a rom -com.

If he wins, that is two plumbers winning
by -elections in a row.

Andy Burnham's going to turn up at the
next one with a moustache going, It's -a

me, Andy!

In other news, who was US President
Donald Trump suggested will headline the

Great American State Fair concert to
mark the USA's 250th birthday?

The best and greatest man of all time,
Donald Trump. Yes.

Why would they need him to do it?
Because everyone's pulled out.

pulled out.

Imagine putting on a festival so
divisive, you don't even bother to ask

All the artists are pulled out. I feel
really sorry for America, because I've

had people drop out on my birthday
before.

If this ends the same as it does for me,
America is going to end up crying,

eating a coal in the caterpillar arse
first.

There's an arsehole you are allowed to
look at.

It is a lot of pressure putting on a big
event like that for your birthday. I

think America should maybe just go for a
nice meal instead.

I think it's like as a British person,
you're like, oh, 250, that's adorable,

that's a quarter as old as our school.

But it's like, you know when you're in a
long -term relationship and couples are

like, it's our six -month anniversary,
and you're like...

Call me when your empire collapses.

We're also glossing over that guy's
belly.

Yeah, there's a lot of online discussion
about that guy's belly. Like, American

healthcare is so fucked that that lad's
parents are still saving up to get his

umbilical cord cut.

It looks like if you press it, his dick
will fall off.

The thing is, I've got quite, like, a
big innie, so if we press up against

other, we light up.

Meanwhile, what is going on here?

Whoa, gender reveals are really getting
out of control.

Does that mean it's a man?

Well, I don't see any little flowers.

This is what they make you believe will
happen if you don't switch to airplane

mode.

This is one of Bezos's. It is. Amazon
chief.

Yeah. They were trying to send the Wi
-Fi into space.

Yeah, it's a large paid rocket.

If they get Wi -Fi in space before we
get it on trains, I'm going to be

I do love that the Amazon rocket
exploded. I will bet any money that

got an email saying delivered.

One star did not like the flame.

That, it really burnt all his hair off.

Oh my God, he's wearing glasses and
baldies.

Moving on.

What's going on here?

It is lovely.

I mean, there must have been a moment
where he looked over and went, why have

they left all those rubber rings? I love
how many people were stood metres away

from him though and not one of them
warned him.

He went fast because he didn't want to
get the luggage wet in the rain.

The sad thing is the next day he popped
his trunks on and dove headfirst into

the car park.

after the break. For more, mark the
week.

The next round is called Between the
Lines. It features Ed and Rhys. Would

make your way to the press pit, please?
Rhys delivers the speech and the guides

of a leading figure in the world while
Ed translates what they really mean.

This week, Rhys is England football
manager Thomas Tuchel.

This is new, isn't it?

Here we go. So it's German, is it,
today?

Okay.

Guten Tag.

Lovely. Ich heiße Thomas.

Ich bin der Manniger, die Englisch
-Fußball -National -Mannschaft.

Oh, Mannschaft.

I look forward to working... Ah, accent.

I've lost confidence in the accent.
Okay. I think do the accent. I can't get

I've lost it. I think his internal
monologue would have a stronger accent

his voice.

Yeah, but also his voice would. So I'm
willing to... You mistake who I am,

I'm going to go full accent.

This guy's got to make an accent. I
heard that Thomas Tuchel's internal

monologue is Nigerian.

It's easy to get into German. You just
need a key phrase to get yourself into

the German accent.

Okay, give me a phrase. We'll do it word
by word so you're in it. So do this in

the German accent. Okay.

Heil. No, thank you. Okay.

I look forward to working with some of
the greatest players in the world.

But first... I plan to stay with England
for at least

another six months.

Don't mind the accent, but very high
-pitched. Very!

That's the only way I can do German. I
have to be really... Has anyone else got

a sudden urge to compare meerkats?

Oh, no.

German, German accent.

I think we have a great chance of
winning the tournament.

And when I say we, I obviously mean
Germany.

Harry Kane will always be my first
selection.

He lives in Germany, so I get him to
bring Kartoffelpuffer and Zwebelkuchen,

which you can't get here.

Our pre -tournament training sessions
have been German in style.

We did it in the nude listening to David
Hasselhoff's song.

I am confident we will be playing in the
semi -final.

I have put towels down at the dugout in
town.

It's hard to keep it up. It's hard to
keep it up. I mean, the Germans do it

the time. It is also weird for you to be
the internal monologue when I look like

a mouth version of you you keep under
your hat.

Not everyone is going to be happy with
the squad I've picked.

I've had death threats from Harry
Maguire's mum.

anything about football i thought the
england manager was glenn huddle why are

you no scandinavian as long as i keep
slipping between the white countries

be okay i

genuinely think england have the players
to win the world cup unfortunately i

haven't picked them

Your predecessor, Gareth Southgate, was
a good manager, but he couldn't win a

trophy. He was weak! We do not tolerate
weakness!

I have picked the team that I genuinely
believe will win the World Cup.

That team is Brazil.

Not too far away, Hugh Dennis is
spinning in his better job.

So are you all excited about the World
Cup?

Oh, I cannot... Sorry.

I'm making predictions, yeah?

I've got it on good authority that Iran
-USA will be the final of the World...

I'm not that excited, to be honest. I
probably won't even put a flare up my

this year.

LAUGHTER Will you do a little one? A
little one.

Come on.

Party popper on the knob. I'll do it,
but it won't be with the same vigour as

last time. Leave some space for a reform
candidate to have a sniff.

LAUGHTER It's confusing, though, because
our main chant is two world wars and

one World Cup.

But that's just what America's currently
up to.

LAUGHTER

I feel a Burnham sensation when I pee.

This game is about Josh and Laura. So if
you could make your way to the

performance area, please.

This round is a stand -up challenge. I
launch the wheel of news, and whoever

chooses to stop one of our performers
must step forward and talk about that

subject. The winner is whoever I think
is the funniest.

Okay, here we go.

Our first topic, please.

Our first topic is weight loss drugs.

Can I have somebody come in?

Laura.

So I... I didn't know what GLP -1s were
until my friend explained it to me. And

she goes, what it is, it's like this
little jab and you sort of inject

And then you lose weight because you
don't really feel hungry anymore, so you

don't eat. And honestly, it blew my mind
because I just thought, are other

people only eating when they're hungry?

Like, if I only ate when I was hungry, I
wouldn't give a shit about my weight.

the eating that's ever been problematic
you're meant to get hungry you're meant

to eat like i don't need a jab that
stops him being hungry i need a jab that

stops me having a left hand while i'm
driving that's the problem my version of

zen pick is i just wear a big mitten and
then my hand doesn't fit in the

pringles what i've worked out though is
you can just crush it down to dust and

then drink it

with weight loss stuff because like I've
never been that happy with my weight

but as soon as you talk about wanting to
lose weight other people feel like it's

a sort of like a judgment on what they
weigh or what not and I genuinely

that I was fat phobic and then I thought
I don't think so because it's only

really my weight I care about and I
don't think that's how phobias work like

don't think arachnophobia is going oh my
god am I a spider

Tried GLP1s. All my friends that are on
them, they're so happy.

But I think I'm suspicious when people
really like something.

Like, that's the only reason I haven't
slept with Idris Elba.

And I'm happy for them. My friends are
so happy and I'm pleased for them. But I

think, like, they have got kind of
annoying. I can't go out for lunch with

people that are on them now because
they've all turned into a boomer mum.

Like, you order food and they sit there
going, oh, I'm so full.

That'll do me for the rest of the day
now.

And I think, yeah.

You're on appetite suppressant.

I'm really happy for you that a
medication is working, but I don't know

celebrate it like it's your own personal
fortitude making it happen.

You never see me on a bouncy castle
having the time of my life going, oh,

got nothing to do with the meth.

OK,

that leaves me with Josh.

Let's see what your topic is.

And the topic is family.

So I've got two kids. I had my second
kid last year. People say that when you

have your second kid, you don't have the
same energy as you do when you have

your first kid. I don't know if that's
true, really. But when my firstborn

arrived, I actually started him his own
email account, right? I started him an

email account.

And what I do every month, I send him a
paragraph about what we've been doing,

and I send him how he's been developing,
new skills he's learning, and attach a

picture of the two of us. And my plan is
when he's 18, I'm going to give him his

login and his password, so he can go in
and have all these beautiful memories of

us together.

And my secondborn, I'm just copying him
in.

Just CC, hi all.

It's good having the two. It's very
hard, actually, having the kids. It's

changed my whole perspective, actually.
Growing up, I used to think that I had

an angry dad.

But now I'm a dad, I'm like, oh no, we
just pushed a very reasonable man to

breaking points.

When he was really wound up with me when
I was a kid, my dad would say this

thing, right? He'd say, Josh, listen,
I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed.

I should say, I'm not angry, I'm just
disappointed.

And I would think, good.

What a relief that is.

I would take disappointment over anger
seven days a week.

No one's ever killed anybody in a fit of
disappointment.

If I said to you guys, as an audience,
I've got two Rottweilers backstage.

One of them's angry.

The other one's disappointed.

And the one loose in this studio, which
one do you want?

The disappointed one. He's a good boy.
We'll cheer him up.

Always angry, my dad. Growing up, he was
always angry. Always angry. See my dad

now, though. See my dad with his
grandkids.

He's like Christopher Biggins.

So I go round now, see my dad with his
grandkids. I walk in, my dad's there,

full face of make -up, nail varnish.

He's got all fours, one grandkid on his
back, riding him like a blackpool

donkey. Another grandkid eating pastry
on a settee.

The third grandkid's just DJing on the
dimmer switch, like that on the dimmer

switch.

The light's going, he's loving it. My
mum's loving it. My mum's like, oh, look

at your dad with his grandkids.

I'm like, who the fuck is that bloke?

Where was that man when I was growing
up? That's the same man when I was 14,

threatened with eviction for leaving one
plate in my room.

Who is that?

Well done, very good.

We're getting that round. The points go
to Laura.

Come on.

Join us after the break for more Mark
the Week.

The next round is sold. If this is the
answer, what is the question? On the

board are six categories.

Josh, which category would you like?

I'll go home news, please, Diver. Okay,
your topic is home news.

If the answer is a onesie, curry paste
and a camper van, what is the question?

Is it, what's the worst combination of
ingredients ever taken onto Ready Steady

Cook?

Is it, what do Tesco Delivery consider
reasonable substitutions for ham?

Is it...

Everything I need to start Sleepyhead's
travelling tandoori.

Do the voice.

Is it what Jesus would get if he was
born now?

Is it the three stages of grief?

Is it what did I see when I paid £15 for
Glasgow's authentic Breaking Bad

experience?

Is it the NHS's current advice for IVF?

Is this a line -up for the new film
Avengers Scraping the Barrels?

This is actually some of the nicknames
that were on the t -shirts that my stag

do.

I've got two friends called Van and one
of them is slightly more flamboyant.

If you gave back everything stolen, what
would be

left in the British Museum?

Things I think I look good in if I've
had a glass of wine.

Is it customers who bought Dara O 'Brien
tickets also bought...

Is this the answer to the question, what
do I got to stick my dick in to get on

Ed Gamble's new panel?

Kid, with that sort of moxie, you're on
the next scene.

We need somebody to give me the correct
answer. Are these some things that Peter

Morrell confessed to buying with funds
taken from the SNP? Absolutely right.

Thank you very, very much.

Yes, Professor, I was looking for words.
What are some of the items that former

SNP chief executive Peter Murrell
purchased with money he embezzled from

party? Murrell pleaded guilty to
embezzling more than £400 ,000 between

2010 and October 2022.

The purchases ranged from luxury items,
everyday goods, and some things that

were more unusual.

So what did he buy?

Among other things, he bought, like, a
telescope, a model helicopter, and,

PlayStation and Xbox.

So surely the biggest scandal here is
that he's nice.

It's fundamentally, like, if a man,
like, say a bald man in his 50s or 60s

buying a telescope, it's normal to be
suspicious of that, isn't it?

I literally recognise... I literally,
when I read this, recognise the brand of

telescope we're using.

This looks like you've been caught
outside Specsavers trying on different

glasses.

I found it really nostalgic reading this
story because you're reading it through

and it was like the Generation Games. It
was like, what did you buy? A fine pair

of shoes.

A casserole did.

You read it. You can hear the music. A
PlayStation 3.

A fountain pen.

A robotic lawnmower.

He didn't buy a fountain pen. He bought
a fountain pen for four grand.

He did?

That's how you know he's bad with money.
You famously get them free with life

insurance.

He bought a camper van, obviously, and
the hand cream, and loads of

and stuff. And I recognised it straight
away, that guy's building a wankmobile.

Only he's got a onesie and some curry
paste.

He's essentially a hoarder, isn't he?
He's hoarding. Yeah, he was a

You heard that theory about people watch
programmes about hoarders because it

makes them feel better about the state
of their own houses.

Well, unrelated to that, I've been
watching a documentary about a man with

micropenis.

And that's my show, I'm here to talk.

It is a weird mix of incredibly
expensive luxury goods, like a £2 ,618

pepper grinder, and, like, curry paste
that he bought, like, whatever. Clearly,

it's only there because he went out to
get curry paste and then at the tail

went, oh, no, I've only got my
embezzling card.

Like, the rest of it, like Ahir says,
he's behaved... Most embezzlers, they

and live, like, a luxury life on yachts.
And he has just bought everything a

teenage boy would buy. And like
Playstations and FIFA and stuff.

I'm surprised we didn't see that he
bought one of those beds of nails that

put your face in.

Like ten of those dicks that go, oh, oh.

What was the name of the onesie?

Slouchy? Slouchy onesie? It was called
the Slouch Pals.

Oh, you call them the Slouch Pals?

I'm also pretty upset that he didn't get
caught in the campervan, because

that could have been Scotland's OJ in
the Bronco. Oh my God, that would have

been amazing.

Just him driving slowly, shoving curry
paste into his face.

Look at his little cheeky face look at
that. You know, I'm not an expert I'm

reading micro expressions, but that is
definitely someone who's about to

embezzle a piece of paper If there's
tennis going on she's

not

At some point, there's going to be a L
'Oreal ad with somebody doing this with

their hair, and they'll cut to Nicola
Sturgeon going, even I noticed.

In other news, what's going on here?

Shouldn't mock it, this is actually how
he inflates his hand.

That's him with his other wrinkly old
bag.

This is your king, people. Your king.

He might be the king, but the fingers
are mental, aren't they? Yeah.

He's the only man in the world, he's the
only man who has to use his penis as

foreplay for fingering.

Surely this is a sign.

Surely this is a sign.

It may be partly true.

But I don't know, I'm not investigating
it too closely. I know that there's

certainly a team from a certain channel
going, no, no, no.

No, none of them so far.

That's good stuff, though. It's going to
be a very short round. You're going to

show that picture and I'm going to go,
he's the king of our world!

Or he'll just cut to Reese and there's
like a black square over his mouth and

the voiceover goes, he is a wonderful
man.

Is he fundamentally just saying...

This is the purest shit I've ever heard.

A compliment for the people who believe
you.

I know we're all having a laugh, but I
genuinely want to know what he's doing.

He's sniffing some bread.

Bread? Because he's in Ireland, right?
He's in Ireland, he's in Belfast, yeah.

Is that how you smell bread in Ireland?

Bread in Ireland, the bouquet of bread
only remains very close to the bread.

So we gather it into a bag and then we
give it a big sniff.

And you think it's like, mm, common
people food.

Smells like Carol Vorderman's arse.

Meanwhile, what has a study revealed
this week that birds enjoy?

What is it? Is this like 1960s Cockney
news?

You know, what do birds enjoy?

Shoes, they like shoes, don't they? They
like a napkin.

You take a picture, you buy them a
little meal, they bloody love it, don't

They bloody love it.

Form a few ears.

I like this man.

Stick one of them on each end of your
panel show in your lap.

I only bought a bloody carpa van, didn't
I?

A carpa van?

I only bought a carpa van.

It's gone to areas that we should not
follow up.

No, that is not what they enjoy.

It's an interesting story.

It's because they've found out,
apparently, that they like to pleasure

themselves. They do. Sexually.

Masturbate. Yeah. Technical term. Yeah,
no, no, let's go, let's do all the Latin

verbs. They're even wanking these guys.

Got any miniskirts in it?

Are you thinking about, no, he said, no,
I'm thinking about the king's fingers.

Does that mean that all the white stuff
in Trafalgar Square?

You've made it horrible now. It was
nice. It was nice for a second.

They're coming on statues.

Nelson and Colin. Is that why it's
called Colin?

Well, that's a good point. It's good
luck to have a boat pulling you. Is it

luck, even better luck?

I don't think so, no. It's perfectly
natural.

It's a natural thing. It's a natural
thing. We don't know what they're

about. We don't know what they're
wanking over.

Because they could be thinking about us.

It is basically that this is behaviour
that previously was being punished. That

people would actually bring their bird
to a vet and try to get the bird

They've said you can't, you shouldn't
punish them anymore. Shouldn't punish

anymore. Which I think, because do you
know how you punish a bird for

masturbating? How do you do it? You have
to send them to confession and then

they have to say three quail Mary.

Now we play a game called We Think
That's Bad.

In a world where everything seems to be
going wrong, this is a chance for our

performers to compete to outdo each
other with tales of woe from their

And I decide whose is the worst. Anyone
care to start us off? This is new as

well, isn't it? Yes, it is new.

You're allowed to change things when
you're not here.

So I recently turned up for work and I
was wearing almost exactly the same as

the man sitting next to me.

We've just not mentioned it. We're just
not going to mention it at all.

Do you know who'd write a really good
song about that? A country and western

duo.

I can do the accent.

Beware, it's very high.

I turned up to work and I was wearing
the same shirt.

Speaking of clothes, when I was a kid, I
had a diary and I was convinced my mum

was reading my diary. So to find out if
she was, I wrote in it that I find that

she looks really sexy when she wears her
yellow cardigan to see if she'd stop

wearing it. And she wore it more.

You think that's bad? People used to say
I look like Rhys James, but the other

day someone said I look like Rhys
James's uncle.

You think that's bad? I got into the day
and my dog had chewed up my dustpan and

brush.

How the fuck am I going to clean that
up?

I've got a dog one.

I just found out I'm allergic to dogs.

Gutted, I love eating dogs.

You think that's bad?

Everyone's been making fun of my accent.

You think that's bad? I quit Mott the
Week five years ago and I've had to come

crawling back to promote my brand new
panel show, Unacceptable.

I had a bath with my toddler the other
day, and she picked up one of my tits to

check what was underneath it.

And that's how you find out you've read
your kid too many lift -the -flat books.

You think that's bad? Our hair doesn't
even have a toddler to have a bath.

If you think that's bad, I got sacked
from my job at the passport office for

laziness. Yes, it was my job to... When
the expired passports came back, I had

to clip the ends off.

They called me and they said, have you
been cutting corners? I said, no. They

said, yeah, that's the problem.

Lovely. Are we going to have to... Are
we going to have to do ones like that,

then? Yeah, yeah. Dilly joke ones. Dilly
joke ones, yeah. Oh, right. Oh, yeah,

yeah, yeah, my tits are not saggy.

Especially not bath, mate. They're going
to be floating, aren't they? For God's

sake.

I was imagining you looked like that guy
stood behind Trump.

Yeah, I think that's bad. I got sacked
from my job as a set -piece coach with a

football team.

I was in charge of the free kicks and
stuff. And laziness, again, they pulled

in and said, have you been cutting
corners? I said, yeah.

You think that's bad? I got sacked from
Muller.

Ranking in the staff room.

It's not related to the previous
material.

OK, at the end of that round, the point
goes to Ed and Josh.

Now we come to themes we'd like to see,
so if everyone can make their way over

to the performance area.

I'll read out this week's topics and
we'll see what our panellists can come

with. OK, here we go. The first subject
is...

Well, you look exactly like you did ten
years ago, but do remember ten years ago

you were much fatter.

You're watching Extreme Makeover.

We've helped this Tory MP transform into
a Reform MP by changing absolutely

nothing.

Gary came to today as he was nervous
about how he'd look arriving at his

daughter's wedding. And rightfully so,
he's not invited. The man's an

He's not welcome at the venue.

And if you look in this mirror, you can
see you look much taller and much

thinner. And if you look in this mirror,
you can see you look much shorter and

fatter. Thanks for joining us on
Funhouse Makeover.

Jack says people often laugh at his
helmet hair. And I'm not surprised. It's

of the weirdest cocks I've ever seen in
my life.

We've given you new teeth, we've done
your hair, we've given you a whole new

wardrobe, but ultimately you do have a
black soul, and I think that is really

coming across.

Breast augmentation.

Sounds scientific, but it's actually
just big new honkers.

You look as pretty as a picture, and
that picture is of Mr Blobby.

Richard said he wants a makeover to have
more luck with the ladies. So what

we've done is we've kept the same outfit
and put a different man in it.

And now, with some tips on waxing, the
moon.

You said you wanted to look as beautiful
as Sabrina Carpenter. Well, fantastic

news. This morning, she was in a
horrific car crash.

We've got rid of all of the wrinkles.

It barely looks like a scrotum.

Good evening, and welcome to Fine Art
Makeovers. On tonight's show, Amy's

favourite painter is Renoir, and we've
achieved this look on her using soft

pastels and lace, whereas Jessica's
favourite artist is Picasso, and we've

achieved this look using a mallet.

Now, if you remember before, your hair
was lank and lifeless, but now we've

shaved you.

We came up with a great way to get rid
of your double chin.

We've given you a second head.

Jason's got that hair transplant.

Unfortunately, it was a liver he needed.

And as the police arrive, that concludes
another tricky week on Queer Eye Saudi

Arabia.

You look like a million dollars is going
to be required in corrective

procedures.

The face cream has a very special
ingredient.

It's bird cum.

Michael wanted a more regal,
aristocratic look, so we've replaced his

with Cumberland's.

Sometimes it's not all about a look. A
simple, thick German accent can change

everything.

Good evening, you're watching Polish
That Turd.

The next topic is... Rejected questions
from this year's exam.

If a TV channel commissions a TV
programme at 9am, how long until Ed

fuck up about it?

What date does Unacceptable Star...

On the graph below, plot the downfall of
the West.

If a flight is leaving an airport at
2pm, why has my dad brought us here at 8

the fucking morning?

Philosophy. If the ham is cured, why did
the pig die?

If Peter has... £400 ,000, and Nicola is
both his boss and wife,

how could she not know?

If one ex is sick, do your other exes
think you're a pedo?

Darius wakes up at 5am. He runs 5km in
22 minutes. He sits in an ice bath for

minutes. Why?

The French use le for dog and la for
table. Why can't my grandfather

they for my cousin?

History.

Remember Liz Truss? That was mad, wasn't
it?

John buys one cucumber and two pots of
Vaseline.

How long is he about to spend in A &E?

Telepathy, question one.

You should know this.

Divorce beheaded died, divorce beheaded
survived. But what happened to the rest

of F Club juniors?

What is the correct technique for
fingering a woman? Show you're working

box.

British history.

Steal your answer from the Indian boy
sat next to you.

In 1066, it was the Battle of Hastings
where William the Conqueror... French

oral. Doesn't that sound nice?

See Fig 1. Fig 1 is a picture of Freud's
mum.

Would you?

What was the best time period in human
history? Was it A, D, or B, C?

German oral.

Hello and welcome to your German oral.

At the end of that round, the points go
to Laura, Rita and Aher.

And at the end of the show, this week's
winners are Sarah Pascoe, Ed Gamble and

Josh Foote.

Thank you for watching. I'm Daryl Breen.
Good night.

And you can catch brand new summer
episodes of Mock the Week next and each

Sunday night at 9 here on TLC.

Stay there for more feel -good fun.
Another Mock the Week.