All language subtitles for Mock the Week - S22E03

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Welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara Reen.
Joining us this week are Catherine

Ryan, Rhys James and Sarah Keyworth,
Glenn Moore, Hugh Dennis and Sarah

Hello.

We start tonight with a round called
Picture of the Week. I show the panel a

topical image and ask them to tell me
what is happening. So, team, what's

on here?

Well, I can see a solid gold knob and
Keir Starmer's walking past it.

We're filming this a few days ahead of
broadcast.

Yes. This is either one or two people
who have recently lost their jobs.

This is Donovan saying, you know what
would be really funny? If I replaced you

with Mandelson.

This is Donovan leaving to present a new
edition of This Is Your Life.

Is he trying to get his bound copy of
the Epstein file signed?

By who?

That's going to take you to know who.

That's going to take a long time to
collect all of those signatures.

Oh, look at my book.

Someone's drawn a cock holding it.

Are those the three stages of a hair
transplant?

They're just knocking around ideas of
who they should bring back. Liz Truss,

maybe Hugh Edwards as Minister for Kids.

Should be noted, by the way, that that
department was entirely just invented

the purpose of that joke.

You don't actually have a minister for
kids, because that is asking for

And look what happens without one.

If they get one, it should be a kid.

That's what they should have as an eight
-year -old. Like a baby goat.

You had one job. You had one job to find
a charger in this department.

He's saying, today he's going to take
all of my charisma. Darling, fetch me my

brown tie.

He's got a long thumb, hasn't he?

Does anyone just give me an answer so I
can wrap up this?

Traditionally, this is my job, isn't it?
You're just very much why we've got you

back.

This is Prime Minister.

Yes. Keir Starmer.

I forgot how close it always is.

And next to him is the Chief of Staff,
Morgan McSweeney. Absolutely. Thank you

very much, Hugh. Correct.

Yes,

this is a picture of UK Prime Minister
Keir Starmer and his former Chief of

Staff, Morgan McSweeney. This is news
that's following further revelations

Peter Mansell's links to Jeffrey
Epstein.

McSweeney took...

Full responsibility for advising Starmer
to appoint Manson as U .S. Ambassador

and step down from his role. And these
are words I didn't expect to say on week

three. At the time of recording, Keir
Starmer is still Prime Minister.

But how is it looking for Starmer at the
moment? It's the worst excuse ever.

It's such an own goal.

I mean, I didn't even make the decision.

Like, it's like, McSweeney's the
dominatrix and she's quit and now the

still in charge.

This situation is so annoying because if
Keir Starmer steps down because

McSweeney has left due to his links to
Mandelson, then the Labour Party is

probably going to crumble, which means
that Nigel Farage will become the Prime

Minister. He will reinstate the two
-child benefit cap. And all of that

that somehow Jeffrey Epstein is still
screwing kids.

I really did not think you were going to
like that.

Did you think they were going to be a
pro -Epstein crowd?

What I loved about the reporting was
that they described it as a dramatic

that McSweeney did, which makes me
always think that they go like, and say

goodbye to these.

You're never going to see this house
again.

I think the whole thing, the fact
McSweeney's gone, is fantastic news for

justice. Because we've got the guy,
haven't we? We've got our guy. We've got

guy who made a suggestion to the guy,
who made the appointment of the guy,

friends with the guy, who did all those
international sex crimes. So we can move

on. It's fantastic.

That's a very neat bow on top of that.

For everything you hear about them, they
do seem to be, they came as a pair. You

know, McSweeney did the ideas, Keir
Starmer was sort of putting it into

I feel like they should have left at the
same time, like Tess and Claudia.

So do you think that's the fairest way
to do it? Is that why Ted and Claudia

left? Not because of the episode.

Dara and I left at the same time, but he
came back first.

Who's shaping up for a possible
leadership bid?

Red Street is one of them. Red Street is
one of them, yeah. He's very happy with

himself because he's stolen Keir
Starmer's book.

Yes, among the people running Angela
Rayner, obviously, is...

Said to be interested in the post.

Miliband is always mentioned. And my
personal favourite, the MP for

Selly Oak, who's a guy called Al Karn.

He's so shit.

He does look like Keir Starmer crossed
with Jack Reacher.

He's a former army guy who recently
climbed Everest while breathing in

xenon gas.

And the reason is because he could climb
Everest faster because he said to

himself, I don't have five to six weeks
to climb Everest. I'm a government

minister. I have to do it quickly, which
is, all right, mate, calm it down.

I say a very similar thing to my husband
about lovemaking.

We have to hurry this along. I'm not the
weak.

Looking at this guy, I feel so bad for
Keir Starmer because this guy is very

much the Ed Gamble to Keir Starmer's me.

He's your science, man. Yeah.

You know everything about science. I
know everything about science. Yeah, I

everything about science. Why would
xenon gas enable you to climb Everest

faster? Because, ah, so technical.

It's a bit like you go diving with
oxygen pressures.

I see.

That's all very clear. Thank you very
much. I think this guy looks tough.

Still not as tough as Angela Rayner. She
looks like she'd have someone in the

Secret Service to hold her earrings if
it all kicks off.

And she'd be the first to have a boob
job.

And for me personally, I'm donating to
that campaign because she might make

fillers tax -deductible.

You know, this impacts me. And she's got
a new haircut.

Yeah, she's got a new haircut. Because
the people have written they will

tolerate someone being non -sadjacent,
but they draw the line at split ends.

knows that.

Can I see the picture of the handsome
guy again? You can see the handsome guy

again? Do you think he'd... doesn't wear
hats because it would literally be a

square peg in a round hole.

I bet you I had to say that we shouldn't
do jokes about Al Karns because I fear

just turning the key in my house and
from the shadows, Al Karns.

Well, well, well.

That's some funny jokes, didn't you, my
friend?

But is it funny when you're folded in
two?

I have fantasies about him turning the
key in my bedroom door as well, Dara,

for different reasons.

Yeah, I'm gay, but he could fold me in
too, don't I?

Oh, there's a lot of mixed messages
coming from our car.

Does he drink Ronseal? He looks a bit
like him.

He looks like he ejaculates WD -40.

I reckon fizzing WD -40 is not a bad
idea, because the WD stands for water

displacement, doesn't it? It goes like
a...

It'd be like a, you know, hosepipe.

It would be good, but Rhys did say
ejaculate. I did say ejaculate.

Oh, ejaculating.

I didn't hear that because I'm innocent,
you know.

We've got too many of these guys
ejaculating all over the place, and

likes to clean it up. Yeah. No, no, no.

I mean, like, tidy up.

Tidy up to the joke. Yeah.

It's all true. It's all true.

What have some backbench MPs been
calling for? A caretaker. A caretaker,

Why would we want a Prime Minister who
wants to watch me after I'm getting

changed from cross -country?

LAUGHTER Yeah.

I thought the same thing. That's a very
unrelatable content.

LAUGHTER Yes, that is what they've
proposed, as if the country is like West

Brom.

Give it Sam Allardyce till the end of
the season.

I mean, we're already out of Europe.

LAUGHTER

Have they also been asking for more
comfortable benches?

You know what they need? Some WD -40.

You know what they can get?

I use that when I ejaculate.

So you don't ejaculate it, you use it to
ejaculate, because that's a very

different thing.

I've got another science question.

Okay, so if a lady's ovum meets the
ejaculate of WD -40, what kind of baby

they make?

All I know is it slides out easy.

Moving on, please.

What's going on here?

Wow, look at the dickhead on that.

Haraj is going, the perfect Guinness,
completely white.

They're actually launching Reform's new
anti -immigration beer, Ban Miguel.

This is Reform IPA.

Light on the Indian, heavy on the pale.

He'd just heard that the glasses were
made in China, so he didn't want them.

I think he's done this on purpose,
right? What's the first thing you think

you see that pint?

Send it back. He's in here.

I wouldn't... There wouldn't be all that
foam if I tilted to the right.

Yes, it is. The former UK leader, Nigel
Farage, and the chief whip, Lee

Anderson, pictured recently in a
Westminster pub, announcing a policy.

They've announced a policy, an actual
policy. What is the policy they

5p off time.

That's the first half, but you think
that sounds great.

What's the second half of it?

Reinstating the two -cap child policy.

It's quite a double whammy. It's like,
we'll take five pounds off your pint,

yay, and we'll take it out of the mouths
of children.

I'm in. I'm all in. I love a discount. I
bought a Charlie Biggin lasagna

yesterday because it had been reduced to
45 pounds.

I don't see how a child wearing two hats
is going to change anything.

It's quite short -term thinking as well,
isn't it? Because if people get more

pissed, they'll have more kids.

Yeah. I don't know about you, I'm not
capable of having kids after having a

rubble.

As long as I've got the WD -40.

There are more coffee shops than pubs
these days, but nobody got fingered in a

coffee shop car park after six
Americanos.

This is not 100 % true, but yeah.

Come to Essex, if I cost a coffee, it's
going to blow your mind.

That feeling when you're the only one in
the line -up that's not been fingered

in a cafe.

Excuse me, Princess Grace.

Yeah,

no, happy to move on.

I like it. I mean, I wish someone had
made me observe a two -child cap. I

haven't slept in the same bed as my
husband since Tiger King.

Why? Because...

Tiger King and Aphrodisiac.

It absolutely was.

I've had so many kids since I last saw
you, Rhys.

I've been breastfeeding so long, when I
clear customs, I have to declare myself

as dairy produce.

I've had so many kids.

Can I just say, having you say that in
my eyes was a lifelong dream.

At the end of that round, the points go
to Sarah, Rhys and Catherine.

Join us after the break for more Mock
the Week.

The next round is called Between the
Lines between Hugh and Rhys. Would you

way to the press pit, please?

Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise
of a leading figure in the world stage,

while Hugh will translate what it really
means.

This week, Rhys is Andrew Mountbatten
-Windsor.

Are you fucking kidding me?

You told me I was going to be Cristiano
Ronaldo.

Hello, it's me, Mr.

Andrew Mountbatten -Windsor.

What happened?

I am currently facing some personal
challenges.

And that is putting it fucking mildly.

Things are starting to get serious for
me.

I suddenly realised I do sweat.

I realise now I should have kept better
company.

Marrying Fergie was a terrible idea.

I'm getting a lot of criticism, but
remember all the good things I've done.

When I was a royal, I used to work like
a dog.

I spent my time on all fours panting a
lot.

It's been incredibly exhausting moving
house.

You would not believe how hard it is to
bubble wrap a horse.

I've changed.

I'll be spending my time in Sandringham
reflecting and quietly integrating.

Hello, Norfolk ladies.

Former war hero, new in town, single and
ready to mingle. Call me for golf,

pizza and maybe more.

The media are wrongly portraying me as a
fat, arrogant sex addict with low

intelligence.

I am not fat.

If you accuse me, I will defend myself
robustly.

I will give you £12 million to shut the
fuck up.

These claims about me and Epstein are
ancient history some of them are over 17

years old

17

years old

The next round is called Cheer Today,
Gone Tomorrow.

This round involves Glenn and Sarah, so
if you could make your way to the

performance area, please. This round is
a stand -up challenge. I launch a wheel

of news, and wherever you choose, you
can stop one of our performers on the

stepboard and talk about that subject.
The winner is whoever I think is the

funniest. OK, here we go. Let's have our
first topic, please.

Let's spin the wheel.

And the topic is children.

I am 32.

And I don't look it.

It is a bit of a nightmare. Last summer,
I was walking my friend's dog down the

street, having a nice time, a little
pair of shorts, having a lovely day.

was a guy on the other side of the
street, this guy, this older guy, he got

level, and this guy shouted, No school
today!

And then I had to say, Oh, no.

No, there's no school today.

Because I am 32 years old.

And he said, oh, that's weird. I thought
you were a young boy.

I was like, I'm weird. Why are you
starting a conversation with a young

What's your plan, spooky man?

My girlfriend hates it. She hates how
young I look because she looks like an

adult woman. So if we walk around
holding hands, what's she up to?

We went for a drink. It was a hot day,
really hot day. We went out for a drink.

And for some reason, I don't know why, I
decided I wanted a really, really dry

rosé with an ice cube in it. Just
fancied it.

But I also needed to go to the bathroom.
So I went off to the bathroom and I

said to my girlfriend what I wanted.

She went off to the bar. She said, can I
get two really, really dry rosés with

an ice cube in each one? And the guy
behind the bar said, I'm not serving you

until the young man you're with comes
back.

and I can check his ID.

And she said, OK, well, just so you
know, they are 32 years old, and he

don't believe that for a second.

So what he thinks has happened is that
I, a boy, 17 at most,

have walked into a bar and said, I would
like a very, very dry mosaic,

please.

I would like a single ice cube.

And if anybody asks, you must tell them
that I am 32 years old.

Thank you very much.

That leaves us with Glenn. Let's see
what your topic is. Let's spin the

And the topic is bravery.

Away you go.

I'm not a brave person.

I'm not very good at a conflict. I'll do
anything in my life to avoid a fight.

I'll do anything in my life to avoid, I
think, even the slightest disagreement.

I'll give you an example. A few months
ago, I was standing at a train platform.

I was waiting for my train. A train came
along that was not my train. The man

behind me said, after you, and I got on
the train.

I get terrified of ever getting told
off. I got told off by someone a few

ago, and it still haunts me to this day
because I truly don't know if I was in

the wrong.

Or a bit strange with being completely
unreasonable.

So who's in the wrong here? About six
months ago, a woman told me off for

holding the door open for her because
she was still pissing. What do you

I'm terrified of getting told off. I
never have arguments. You know, it's not

how I deal with situations. So if I did
have, like, a nemesis, if I had an

enemy, if I had someone I hated, someone
whose life I wanted to destroy, someone

I wanted to see brought down a peg or
two, the way I'd ruin my enemy's life is

not by defeating them face to face in an
argument. I mean, the way you ruin your

enemy's life is you just Google their
name every day alongside the word

allegations until you change the
algorithm. That's what you do.

I'm the only person in my family who's
not good at standing up for themselves.

Everyone else in my family is very good
in a conflict. I've got members of my

family who have been killed in conflicts
for gold. My great -uncle was killed in

Vietnam last year in some weird sex den.
Never going to be like that again.

Very confrontational family, you know?
It's like my grandmother always used to

say to me, wouldn't you sort the fuck
up? I, um... What have I achieved in my

life? What had I achieved by the age of
25, you know? I, uh... I once poured a

pint of beer for Jude Law.

Yeah. Don't know why. I've never been in
the same room as him. That was

optimistic. I don't know.

Like, even as I was pouring it, I was
like, I don't know where he is.

I don't want you to think I'm
complaining about not being a brave

anything like that. No, I feel it every
time you complain about your life in the

21st century. You've got such a slap in
the face to every generation before you

who would like so much harder than you.
You know, my parents' lives were harder

than mine. My grandparents' lives were
harder than theirs. My great

-grandparents had to flee their home
country during World War II and live the

rest of their lives living in fear in
Buenos Aires. I cannot imagine.

Now, that was my great -grandfather,
man. Kind, caring, racist to a fault.

I can't stand up to anyone, you know? My
wife even upset me the other day. I

didn't say anything about it, okay? She
upset me because she made a joke. I

spent ages making dinner. It was very
romantic.

I dedicated my entire day to making
dinner. I got out of bed, had my normal

morning routine, had a cup of tea,
Googled Rhys James allegations, and

making this amazing... I break down the
table in front of her. She takes one

bite. She goes, oh, compliments to the
microwave.

Piss off.

That hurt my feelings, because that
dinner took me three and a half hours to

make, you know? Because I had it on
defrost. It's just so upsetting.

Well done, very good.

At the end of that round, the points go
to Sarah.

And it's up to Matthew.

Join us after the break for more Mock
the Week.

The next round is called, if this is the
answer, what is the question? On the

board are six categories.

Hugh, which category would you like?

Sport. Sport!

OK, Hugh, your topic is sport.

The answer is 25. What is the question?

Is it, how old do I feel now that I'm
back?

Is it, um, how many times is Mott the
Week mentioned in the Epstein file?

Don't point out, we've not mentioned the
Epstein files, unlike QI and 8 out of

10 cats. OK.

Is it, what is the maximum speed Keir
Starmer will drive in a 30?

Is it, uh... How many prostate exams can
you book in for before they get

suspicious?

There's something up there. There's
something up there.

Just have one more look.

Not how that works, either.

Get the WD -40.

Is it at what age did I stop wearing
gloves that were connected by a piece of

string?

Is it how many people actually got
Covid?

Fuck the BBC.

We say what we want on CLT.

Where have you been? Where have you been
for three years? I'm going to shut up.

It's been so nice, everyone. Thank you.

I've been in a cave in Royston.

I've just been online all the time for
three years.

You don't count it because you use then
on gas.

And WD -40, well, it's a conspiracy.

What percentage of the Beatles have a
parking app named after them?

Paid by Paul McCartney was really pissed
off.

Is it how many people my dad thinks I'm
talking about when I describe somebody

using they, their pronoun?

Is it what Rhys James' inside leg?

Yeah.

Is it how old does Rhys James look?

Unless you get very close to him.

Is it how many ounces of bull sleep and
I rub on my face every day to keep

these?

Is it how many months old did Dara lose
his hair?

You know he's bald, right?

I was also born bald. I mean, I didn't
just get it for like a year.

Okay, we get it. You're a scientist.

How many seconds are there between
Richard Attenborough saying welcome and

Jurassic Park?

How many days of my cottage cheese
advent calendar remain unopened?

That's why you're not putting on muscle.

Is it what channel number is TLC?

What is TLC?

Depends which service you're on.
Anything from 12 to 133.

It's a wonderful journey every Sunday
evening. Thank you for finding us.

You must be weary, Trevor.

Rest your tired finger.

No, I haven't finished yet.

It's you, not with a WD -40.

Is it how many hours does it take my
four -year -old son to eat a fucking

sandwich?

Sorry, I've got problems at home. Yeah,
we all get that.

Is it how many times during a haircut do
I think, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,

I should not have become a hairdresser?

What comes after M in M25?

OK,

what is the actual question?

This is what, how many Winter Olympics
have there been?

Correct. Thank you very much, Hugh. Well
done.

Yes, the question I was looking for was
how many Winter Olympics have there been

including this one?

The 25th Winter Olympics is underway in
Milan Cortina and will feature 2 ,900

athletes from 90 countries competing in
the 116th event. So have you all been

watching the festival of sliding in
gravity?

It's a lot more dangerous than the
normal Olympics, isn't it? It really is,

yeah. There's so much more jeopardy.

Instantaneously dangerous. It's crazy.
The normal Olympics is like, oh, how far

can you jump into this sandpit?

This is like, prepare for the icy slide
of death.

We'll answer you over a clip.

You weren't expecting that, were you?

The equivalent would be if the Summer
Olympics, if the 100 metres was on,

the top of a skyscraper that was exactly
100 metres wide.

And they were being chased by a lion.
Yeah.

And now we shall pour washing -up liquid
all over the place.

There you go.

A lot of music.

element to it all, yeah.

Athletes from around the world,
including two athletes from Greenland

taking part in the biathlon, which is
the one where you ski and shoot. And

because they're here, Greenland is
undefended.

There's an actual competitive skiing and
shooting at the same time.

Well, not that you do stuff.

You do shoot. I don't know what you
shoot.

Targets. You shoot targets. Yeah, what
do you do when you shoot? Elk.

I mean, I think that'd be more
interesting. But they don't do like that

figure skating and stuff, do they? No,
no, no. You don't have to pick them off

like that. You'll just spin really fast
while shooting a target.

Then you're really dizzy and it's like,
don't kill anyone.

Oh, she's praying wildly.

What have ski jumpers at this year's
Games been warned against doing?

Enlarging their penis.

Enlarging their penis. Because it
actually makes you better at ski

whereas in the hurdles...

Yeah, they've been injecting like acid
or something.

Hyaluronic acid. Hyaluronic acid, right?
And I read it, because it's dangerous,

because apparently there's loads of side
effects if you do this, trying to

increase the size of your penis.

But apparently, some of the side
effects, um, memory loss, um...

It's all safe.

It's all safe.

Hugh,

let them finish the most reluctant round
of applause of all time.

The hyaluronic acid is also the active
ingredient in lots of anti -aging

Yes, it is. As L 'Oreal will tell you,
right? So not only does it give you a

bigger penis, it takes years off it.

Much less wrinkling.

That's why I feel sorry for penises,
because they're born looking old.

Much like myself.

Hyaluronic acid and paraffin. So it does
sound so dangerous.

Like, it does sound something you don't
want to do. But apparently you only have

to gain, like, a couple of inches.
Because this is, again, a science thing

you. This is an aerodynamic thing. So
they think only... Because last Olympics

they got in trouble for just, like,
opening their groins a couple of

centimetres, like the costumes, a little
bit.

Apparently it's like an inch or
something and then you can gain feet and

when you get 2 .8 meters per centimeter
of cloth Then she the aim is to be as

much like a flying squirrel as possible.
Yeah, famously well hung animals I

don't understand this news story.

What is a penis?

It's horrible you wouldn't like it I
couldn't believe it when I heard the

acid because I guess if you're trying to
get rid of a body you have to Be really

specific about which acid you're using
Otherwise, you stood over a bath being

like, it's not dissolving and the dick
is getting bigger.

It would be the most flattering doping
test to be called in for, though,

wouldn't it? Just going, oh, come with
me, big boy. We've got to check out

what's going on there.

This sounds like an excuse men would
give, too. They're like, no, no, no,

big enough. I'm just doing it for my
country.

And it caused all this scandal.

Some people are calling it penis gate,
which I thought was a nice name for,

like, that bit at the Y front.

Oh, yeah.

I thought that was the penis gate.

I never thought you referred to it as
penis gate. Oh, just popped out the

gate. Can you close the penis gate?

Presumably it's not any ski jumping. I
would have thought penis enlivening must

help you in the pole vault.

No, it would be the opposite.

You'd need a shrinking injection.

Well, you wouldn't need a pole. You'd
need to ice pack your...

So now they're doing it by measuring,
like, the bottom, like, how far your

genitals go down, right? It's only this
benefit elderly men with their drooping

balls. Yeah. And every ski jumper should
just be 90 years old.

They would weigh nothing. They would fly
through the air free.

That's a picture of Captain Tom.

Elon Musk has been in the news this
week. He wants to launch a million

satellites. Yes, he does.

Into space. He does. For, like, AI
centres, and he wants them all to be

-powered because he's a light
supremacist.

LAUGHTER But it does feel like a bit of
a distraction if you have just been

announcing the Epstein files, doesn't
it? Just going, look up there, there's a

million satellites!

LAUGHTER Sorry to bombard you with
science questions, but how can they be

-powered in space when it's dark?

Yeah, the sun's there, but it's night in
space. He tweeted, he went, it's always

sunny in space. It's like, specifically
not. It's pitch black. Why is it never

blue sky on the moon? Why is that space
black, Sarah?

Hello, Sarah.

Hello.

Why won't you tell us?

It's not a secret. I'm not keeping it
from you.

I've been sworn to secrecy on this one.
I'm not in my ear going, they're on to

us, they're on to us.

There's an engine running and Brian Cox
in the car going, come now, come now.

This is a bit like a filibuster.

It's not nighttime in space. No, so it
all follows the trajectory of the sun.

You can arrange it so it's always on the
sunny side. Isn't that right?

You could.

Or they just get batteries and they just
get lit when they go around. It doesn't

explain why it's dark in space. It's
day.

Space, when you're in space, you can see
the sun is still there. What time is it

in space? Oh, my God.

Is it fun in space?

Yeah, actually, because none of this
happens.

LAUGHTER OK, at the end of that round,
the points go to Glenn, Hugh and Sarah.

Join us after the break for more Mock
the Week.

Now we play a game called You Think
That's Bad.

In a world where everything seems to be
going wrong, there's a chance for a

performance to come. compete to outdo
each other with tales of woe from their

lives, and I decide whose is the worst.
Would anyone care to start us off? I'll

start. Go on.

So, I have therapy, and I was telling my
therapist about how I was bullied at

school, and she asked me to describe it,
and then she said, oh, that's not

bullying. You just weren't liked.

Pretty bad, darling. Pretty bad. Oh, my
God. Pretty bad. That's amazing.

Did she say that whilst flushing your
head down the toilet?

That's why she cleans away my tears at
the end of the session.

You think that's bad? My therapist
actually recommended I quit doing stand

in a YouTube comment about six months
before we met.

I've started going to therapy because
I've got anger issues and I'm working

I get really angry about stuff that
doesn't matter, but I already know where

get it from. I get it from my biological
father.

He's a really angry guy, my biological
father. The main thing he gets angry

about is that he raised me my whole life
and he's my normal dad, but I still

call him that for a laugh.

If you think that's bad, I recommended
Harold Shipman to be ambassador to

Morocco.

If you think that's bad, my husband
stopped listening to Joe Rogan because

thought he was too woke.

If you think that's bad, I went to the
shop to buy a cauliflower, but I

accidentally bought a cabbage, and I
peeled the whole cabbage looking for a

cauliflower.

When the whole thing was gone, I still
didn't get it.

Oh, no, I'll give it one more layer.

I'll give it one more layer.

I'll be in here.

And I really wish I was a good enough
comedian to have made that up.

That is very bad, but that's sort of bad
in vegetables.

I think this is worse. My son toed four
the other day, and some of the parents

were sort of standing around at the
party chatting, and that's how I found

I'm supposed to have been making him
brush his teeth.

I thought that was something we all sort
of did for ourselves. I was supposed to

have been having a toothbrush in his
mouth every day. You thought there was

instinct that kicked in.

It's had teeth for ages.

I can't wait to hear how shitty your
therapist is about this.

I'll tell you what's really good for
cleaning your teeth.

What? WD -40.

That's why my teeth are so clean.

Hanging out with you -know -who.

I was a really small child, can you
guess?

No, were you?

Yeah, exactly. I was a small child. Go
fuck yourself.

But my mum used to measure mine and my
brother's height.

by marking it on the kitchen doorframe
every six months to see how much we'd

grown, and mine stayed the same for so
long, people would come round and assume

I had died.

You know, as you get older, you get more
hair. You get hair in strange places.

I plucked a nose hair the other day, and
my tonsils came out with it.

You know, plucking a nose hair, it can
actually break a nose if you don't ask

the person first.

I'll give it a round. The points go to
Cerise and Cataract.

Now we come to scenes we'd like to see.
So if everyone can make their way over

to the performance area, please.

I'll read out this week's topics and
we'll see what our panellists can come

with. OK, here we go. The first subject
is... Unlikely lines from a blockbuster

movie.

It's happened.

They've risen from the dead.

And now they're here to mock more weeks.

We're sending you to the Caribbean,
Bond. We need you to befriend a nonce.

The terrorists have seized the president
and taken him hostage, and since then,

everything's felt quite lovely.

Finally, we meet, Bond.

I just need to finish my interpretive
dance, and I'll be back.

I am Thanos, the talking bookcase from
Ikea.

The calls are coming from inside the
house.

We have a landline?

My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius,
father to a murdered son, husband to a

murdered wife, and ambassador for men's
mental health.

I'm just a girl standing in front of a
boy, telling him to put the fucking

toilet seat down.

They say the killer comes from a musical
theater background, and they could be

among us as we speak.

I've come here from the dying alien
planet of Krypton to save mankind,

reflection, is not something I should
have told the ice agent.

How have I shit myself this badly?

If you only watch one movie this year,
watch F1.

The gripping story of a function key on
a computer keyboard.

I'm ready for the revolution.

And I've brought the wavy vanilla ice
cream between layers of crisp chocolate.

Sorry, V for Vendetta.

And you see, the thing is, he's got
those cold, lifeless eyes, black eyes

doll's eyes, and then you hear that
horrible, high -pitched, blip -bip -blop

-bip -blop -bip!

My love, Cinderella, has left this shoe
behind, so now I need every woman

in the kingdom to show me her feet.

What do you mean? It's a completely
normal plan.

Some say you can still hear the farmer
who used to live here milking the cows

the middle of the night.

So if anyone hears anything that sounds
like that, that's what it is.

Unlikely lines from a blockbuster movie.

I'm sorry, Dara.

I can't do that.

How long does it take you to defuse a
bomb?

I don't know, about ten minutes?

You've got 30 seconds!

All right, then I can't.

I still can't do that, darling.

Well, I'm here with my friends.

There's a lion. He would like some
courage.

And there's a scarecrow, and he would
like a brain.

And then there's a tin man, and he would
like Hugh Dennis to ejaculate in his

joints.

No, no, no.

I'm just a girl standing in front of a
boy asking him to notice that my hair is

a completely different fucking color
today.

I'm just a girl standing in front of a
boy realizing it's a mirror and that

gender is a social construct.

Well, yeah, of course I spent my money
populating this place with dinosaurs.

What else is a billionaire supposed to
do with an island?

You think Slytherin's bad? The sorting
hat put Hermione in reform.

OK, the next topic is... Hey,

girl, are you the film The Notebook? Cos
it seems everyone's touched by you,

except for me.

No, don't be put off. I don't normally
walk like this. The last guy I slept

was a ski jumper.

Can you iron?

Sorry, I'm a bit of an anxious nail
-biter. I didn't hurt your toes, did I?

If I could rearrange the alphabet... I'd
put you next to I, and then

a T in the middle, because I've got
cystitis.

The room just lit up when you walked in.

I think they have motion -sensitive
switches.

Girl, are you a watermelon?

Because I want to take you back to my
place and then feel too overwhelmed to

anything with you.

My ex -girlfriend used to call me the
horse on account of my massive ketamine

problem.

I would take the stars from the skies
and put them in your eyes.

That noise, that Dara O 'Brien crying
because the stars are in the wrong

Wow. God must have taken the day off
after making you, because you seem like

lot of work.

Hey, girl, are you from Tennessee?

Because you're the only 10 I see.

No? Well, then, are you from
Pennsylvania?

Because you've made my Pennsylvania.

Forgive me. Forgive me.

Reza has actually tried that one on me.

Yeah, I am a high -flying PR executive.
I'm launching a new client's fragrance.

What do you think of Just Andrew?

I say most men can't even find it, but I
can.

The lost kingdom of Shambhala.

Having sex with me is like having a
happy meal. I come with a little toy.

Look, I don't care that you have a son.

I... Yeah, I know, Rhys.

I would...

I must be back to my place, but it seems
a bit soon.

I only escaped this morning.

Did you fall from heaven and it wasn't
your fault? You might be eligible for

compensation.

I'm not wearing any deodorant.

Hey girl, is that a Snapchat filter or
are you an actual dog?

Hey, are you from Tennessee?

Because you're the only ten I see.

No? Well then, are you from Virginia?

Because you should have this Virginia.

Come on, don't be silly.

You pay.

If I could rearrange the alphabet.

Sorry.

I know this is so cheesy, but I haven't
showered in a while.

All your underwear must be lucky
underwear, cos it gets to touch your...

she's gone.

You know, they call me the Stallion. At
weekends, I get whipped by small men

while Claire Balding commentates.

At the end of that round, the points go
to Claire, Ruth and Catherine!

And that's the end of this show.

This week's winners are Glenn Moore,
Hugh Dennis, and Sarah Pascoe.

Commiserations to Patrick Lyon, Rhys
James, and Sarah Keyworth.

Thanks for watching. I'm Gary Green.
Good night.