All language subtitles for Mock the Week - S22E01

Read about the things that happen
throughout the world.

Don't believe in everything you see or
hear.

Welcome to Brand New Mock the Week. I'm
Dara Breen and I look exactly the same.

Joining me this week are Aher Shah, Rhys
James and Russell Howard, Angela

Barnes, Ed Byrne and Sarah Pascal.

We'll start now with a round call. If
this is the answer, what is the

On the board are six categories.

Russell, which category would you like?

World news, please, Dara. Okay, the
topic is world news. The answer is 700

billion. What is the question?

Is it how many careers has Brooklyn
Beckham tried?

It is not that, but it's close.

Is it how many times collectively have
we been asked this week, is Frankie

coming back?

Is it how much are TLC paying Dara to do
this?

I just like the way they handle
themselves.

In what year will old people stop
claiming to have fought in World War II?

Is it how much would you have to pay me
to watch my parents make love?

But there is a number.

Now we can negotiate.

Is it, what do our ratings have to be
before someone at the BBC admits they

a mistake?

Is it, how many times have I forgotten
to finish the do you have ADHD test?

Is it, how many messages have there been
in the female comedian's WhatsApp group

since the David Walliams stuff came out?

stamps you need on your Costa loyalty
card before they let you put your mouth

under the coffee tap?

You can unlock that mode, can you? I
don't know yet. I'm only on 600 billion.

Is it how far down the channel list is
TLC?

We salute you, those of you who set off
an hour ago.

No, no.

Is it according to Nigel Farage, how
many Muslims are there in every single

wheelie bin in this country?

Is it according to HMRC, how much money
is just too difficult to tap?

That wasn't, that wasn't. I thought it
was very satirical.

You're like, wow, that's a relatable
concept.

How many David Walliams books are
currently sitting in warehouses waiting

pulped?

None of those are the correct answer.
Can somebody give me the correct answer?

Is it the age of consent for a galaxy?

You know that song.

The galaxy coming up and behind.

Does anybody have the correct answer?

Is it how much would Greenland actually
cost the USA were they to buy it?

Thank you very much. Hugh.

It's the chair.

It's just the chair.

Total force of habit out there, I have
to say it.

Yes, the question I was looking for was
how much would it cost the United States

if it were to buy Greenland? It's the
news that had US President Donald

plan to purchase the Arctic Territory
gone through, it could have cost the US

$700 billion.

However, after meeting NATO leaders
recently, President Trump rolled back

threats in favour of negotiating a vague

framework of a future deal.

Before we go on to that, can we just
say, look, generally, hello.

It's lovely to be back. I hope you're
well.

And it's a delight to be here. Thank you
very much for coming in, joining us

here.

That was it. That was the whole welcome
back thing. Okay, I can do more welcome

back if you want.

I just wanted to say I feel a bit bad
for the viewers because when they

back gladiators... They had fit, young,
sexy new ones.

They didn't bring out the old ones
again.

They'd be like, oh, who's on what the
week? I was just saying, oh, God.

So, what?

What do you want?

You get up in the net, it's like, ah,
come on.

I do love that we have started as we
mean to go on and go, yes, Trump,

threatening to invade Greenland. But
more importantly, let's compare us to

gladiators.

This is how long it's been, 15 years
since I did the show. Think about this.

Last time I did it, Andrew was a print.

Philip Schofield was married.

And Ghosting was getting drunk and
trying to jump for a wall.

And yet, you still look the same. I do.
I look incredibly the same.

Istanbul, baby, Istanbul.

Zara looks exactly the same, but there's
actually a portrait of a megabus

decaying.

Oh, how has President Trump been
performed by the world today?

Spectacular. What's astonishing is the
fact that he still wants a Nobel Peace

Prize. Despite the fact he bombed
Nigeria, he bombed Iran, he sold weapons

Israel, there's more chance of King
Charles becoming a hand model.

And he already has a peace medal because
he took it from the woman who won the

actual award. Like a fat magpie.

His house is full of gold trophies. He's
done nothing to win. He's Gary Neville.

I like the fact that he got so confused
when he was saying that he was going to

buy Greenland and he called it Iceland
several times.

So I do think that if we steer Trump
correctly, we could persuade him that

Legoland is worth 700 billion.

Give him some slack. I still call
Iceland Bejans.

I'm so old.

I didn't realize until I did a lot of...
I've been reading about it because I

was going to be going on a topical news
program to discuss it. Oh, cool. When is

that?

I can't even remember what channel it's
on.

Somewhere there's execs going, let it
go. Just cut that.

We put a lot of money into the promo of
this, including you guys, so just ixnay

on the...

We always treat things Trump says with
the reverie of actual news, but he is

constantly saying stuff and they're not
doing it.

He is like, remember, this is an elderly
man.

Every other 80 -year -old in my life, if
they said, I'm going to buy Greenland,

I'd be like, let's get you back to bed,
Grandad John.

It's in a very odd position, Greenland,
because the shipping lanes are opening

up due to global warming, and yet
they're not digging for the oil that's

Greenland to prevent further global
warming. I mean, that's shooting

the foot.

You know, I'm sitting on Trump's side.
Take it and steal the oil and open up

shipping lane.

It's about time somebody said it.

This could be an exciting new direction
for Mark the Week. Yeah, we're free of

the lefty shackles of the BBC.

And we all take our MAGA hats and that's
the end of the show. Fantastic.

There is something quite fascinating
about the fact that we now feel bad.

for Scandinavians, because they're being
invaded.

Which, technically, is always their gig.

Their ancestors are going to be
horrified.

Why don't you fight back?

We recycle now.

Valhalla is going to be so weird. Did
you fight many battles? No, I put the

brown bottle in the brown bin.

We're different now, Ragnar.

What has Trump said that could rival the
United Nations?

Well, he set up the Board of Peace, but
I'm not convinced he wasn't just bored

of peace.

He's so on the money as a pun.

He's so just there as a pun. I'm so
bored of peace, I invade the Greenland.

Is this the Peace Board?

No, these are various members of the
Board of Peace. I thought it was the

shit haircut of the year award.

But it's not good countries, is it?

It's not big name.

It's all countries that can't get a look
in at the UN, isn't it? They can't get

a word in. And they've gone, we can have
our own UN right here in the kitchen.

It's like if you can't get on, have I
got news for you?

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

You just settle for...

I just really

like that everyone in that photo looks
like a Bond villain from a different era

of Bond.

Have you seen who's actually on the
police board?

Vladimir Putin, Benjamin Netanyahu,
Victor Orban, Genghis Khan,

72 XL bullies and Jeremy Kyle.

If they've invited Putin and they've got
Victor Orban, it's like having Hugh

Edwards and Prince Andrew on your PTA.

And shout out to Tony Blair, who's on
there as well. I'm presuming he walked

and the first day went, oh, I've made a
terrible mistake.

And even the country's paying for it.
All these countries who are just trying

get awarded, basically, paying a billion
dollars to be on the Board of Peace

really smacks of paying for extra swipes
on Tinder.

That'll get me a wife. That's been the
issue all along.

Oh yeah, that's a thing.

Surely you can just, like, if you just
did it quick enough, you're fine. If you

did that, you wouldn't need Tinder.

In other news, what's going on here?

That is Andy Burnham with a mug.

Are we done?

Are we done?

wants to be Prime Minister, but looking
at the two of them next to one another,

I just don't know that the country is
ready for a change that radical.

They really are chalk and another piece
of chalk.

I'm sorry, this is really rude.

I'm just going to... I need to grab my
phone and Google who Andy Burnham is.

I'm so sorry.

It's been really out of the loop.

Keir Starmer saying, step away, auntie,
or I'll release this mouse from my hand.

Did somebody give you the correct
answer?

Keir Starmer and Andrew Bernhardt.
Absolutely. Thank you very much.

This is UK Prime Minister and Labour
Party leader Keir Starmer pictured with

Mayor of Greater Manchester, Andy
Burnham. This is the story that at the

recording, Labour's National Executive
Committee has blocked Burnham from

standing in the upcoming Gorton and
Denton by -election. Why was he blocked

standing? Well, same reason Hugh's not
here, because you feared a leadership

challenge.

Don't be ridiculous. I mean, killing
Hugh would be so obvious.

It must have been somebody else who did
it.

Basically,

at home, Andy Parsons was like, shit,
he's on to me?

Keir Starmer was in a very difficult
position because basically, either he

let someone who really transparently
wanted to take his job get himself into

position where he could go to take his
job, or he could not do that. It was

basically a committee of like, am I
allowed to fuck your wife?

Andy Burnham was like, I really want it.
I am very unfamiliar with that

community.

There is one.

My husband went away for three weeks at
the end of last year.

And when we came back, I've been fixing
the curtain.

I've been fixing the curtains and I left
the chair there that I've been standing

on. So he wheeled his suitcase back into
our bedroom and went, why is there a

cock chair in here?

And I said, what is a cock chair?

Do you know this?

He said, oh, it's a chair you sit on.

Someone can essentially give your wife
sexual pleasure, yeah.

Wow, that says so much about women that
you're always thinking about someone

else.

Not only is someone banging you, but
someone's watching and they're comfy.

Sexually humiliated and tired.

You don't want to be on a beanbag.

Do you know what I mean?

That's my wife. That's my bloody wife.

I can't imagine if the beanbag was too
low.

What's going on? What's going on?

Oh,

I can't see the top of the bag.

Oh, my sciatica.

My sciatica's playing up.

I can't get off the beanbag.

I mean, that would knock you off your
stride if you're, you know. Sure, sure.

Extra married. How do we count this?

It went back up.

It went back up. Yeah.

I think King of the North is quite a
grandiose title for someone whose main

is sorting out the bins in Salford.

I do think we should let Burnham in
because we could do with having a

Prime Minister.

We've never had a Northern Prime
Minister in recent years, right? And we

get shit deals.

A Northern Prime Minister is going to go
into every trade deal just going, How

much?

The economy is going to be saved.

For a cock chair?

How much?

I can make me own you, daft bastard.

Hey, met my own cook chair. You think
you're Orange Donald? You want to see my

Marie? Come on, love.

OK, at the end of that round, the points
go to Russell, Rhys and I.

Join us after the break for more
Mockery.

Welcome back to Mock the Week. Now we
come to the end of our audience question

time. This is where we throw ourselves
open to the studios and invite them to

ask us questions on any topic.

Okay, where's Ruha?

Hey, Ruha, how are you? There you go.
We've got a mic to you there. Mike Ruha,

what's your question?

Which celebrity would you like to run
the country?

Because that worked out so well for the
United States.

I think Josh Whittakin, because I think
PNQ is the only show he hasn't been on.

In fairness, he actually sounds a bit
like Keir Starmer anyway.

Firstly, Romesh, just because there'd be
more work for me.

Romesh is still doing the other stuff as
well.

And probably doing another podcast about
running the country.

David Walliams isn't busy at the moment.

have a jokey answer i just think kathy
burke would absolutely smash it with a

fag she would definitely stand up to
trump yeah and just everyone she would

talk sense thought it out be fair well
on that i'm gonna go bonnie blue who

more done in a day she'd be incredible
she'd stimulate growth yep she'd get

appointment times way down you know and
i think she'd bring back capital

punishment which i approve of

Like, seriously, we can go for Martin
Lewis.

Go for Martin Lewis, the money -saving
expert.

Love a bit of Martin Lewis, the money
-saving expert.

Got three trillion in national debt at
the moment.

He'd put that on a 0 % balance transfer.

That'd be great. About 15 months to sort
it out. All of us pool our nectar

points collectively as a country.

Free aircraft carrier.

If he doesn't like the interest rates at
the Bank of England...

He just tells us to switch central bank,
and you get six months of Disney Plus.

That's the way to go.

That's not a bad idea.

I'd quite like the idea, maybe, Graham
Norton, and then PMQs was done with the

red chair.

Thank you.

We'll talk for one more, then I have a
question. Anyone have a question?

Oh, behind you, behind you. Oh,
absolutely. Excellent.

Sorry, sir. Can I get your name, please?

Rufus. And, Rufus, what's your question?

Do you think the cock chair is actually
going to get into the episode?

That sounds like Rufus. It will now.

Rufus, have you ever... Do you know any
friends of yours that have ever... We

can't just say that Rufus has a general
interest in cock chairs.

I think we should add a cock chair into
this format. Just have another comedian

have to sit over there not saying it.

Thank you very much to our audience.

The next one is called Back on TLC.

This game is Sarah and Russell.

So if you could make your way to the
performance area, please.

This round is a stand -up challenge. I
launch the wheel of news and whoever

chooses to stop one of our performers
will step forward and talk about that

subject. The winner is whoever I think
is the funniest.

Okay. Here we go. Let's spin the wheel.

And the first subject is ageing. Who
wants to do that? Sarah. I'm old.

this is relevant okay I have to tell you
the story of how I ended up having

children because me and my husband we
were told that we well we tried for

unsuccessfully to have kids and then we
were told by a doctor we probably

wouldn't be able to have children
biologically we then did IVF which as

you're aware is a very long
heartbreaking process so we are so lucky

worked for us twice and it's just that
now we're not really enjoying it

Turns out that wanting to have children
and actually having them are completely

unrelated. I'd say the difference
between wanting children and having them

like the difference between enjoying a
cool, refreshing glass of water, you

know, like glug, glug, glug, glug, glug,
ah, lovely, and being rained on for the

rest of your life.

So I'm having to unpack why it is that
I'm struggling so much with being a

parent. And I think...

The main reason is my age, because I had
children, you know, at an old age. I

had my first baby at 40, I then had one
at 42. That's very old to become a mum.

And I think it's harder to have children
later, because you've had a nice life

for longer.

You know exactly what you're missing out
on, because you used to have it. You

know, in some ways, I believe it is
easier to have kids when you're young

just get it over with. Like, my mum had
me at 19.

What's she going to miss?

Exactly.

happened to the woman? She's only got
one story I'm not in.

Thank you very much. That leaves us with
Russell. Let's see where your topic is.

Let's spin the wheel.

And so we did language.

Where you go?

Lovely.

There's lots of new words for old
things.

Mindfulness, sitting still.

Overnight oats, cold porridge.

And polyamorous.

You're a shagger.

We blame animals sometimes with our
language.

You know the phrase catfish? Someone
goes online, pretends to be someone

Catfish don't do that. They're not in
the sea. Show us your tits, I'm a

That's us.

You ever seen a rat snitch? Ever seen a
badger badger? Have you ever seen an

elephant in a room go, I know.

The Daily Mail doesn't know what the
word shocking means.

It wasn't Prince Harry's documentary,
shocking. No, it was shit.

doesn't know what the word shocking
means. I saw an article the other day

genuinely said shocking news.

Can hackers secretly control our hot
tubs?

How good is your life if that is the
cause for concern? Roger, I can't sleep.

It's the jacuzzi.

We're being hacked. It's the Russians,
Roger. I can sense it. Like there's some

operative in Moscow. Shall we
destabilize their economy?

No.

Let's make the outside bath less bubbly
than they decide.

And this article went on. Apparently
hackers can control your fridge, your

and my favourite, your sex toy.

Even if they could, what's the worst
that'll happen?

You'll have a lovely orgasm, that's it.

At the very least, that's a great
excuse.

I can't stop it, Brian, it's Vladimir
Putin.

Five times he's had me doing it today,
the KGB bastard!

Sit in your chair.

That's the worst that's going to happen.
It's not like there's going to be

remote -controlled sex toys leaping out
of cupboards, chasing British men down

the high streets.

You're not going to switch on the news.
Five more people would today dildo to

death.

The footage is far too shocking, but we
do have their final words.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck, yeah.

And help me, Brian, my fanny hammer's
gone loco.

Here's Jenny with the weather. Shave
yourself!

There we go. All right.

Thank you very much. Welcome back there
to Russell.

Welcome back. I think I'm back.

Join us after the break for more Mock
the Week.

Welcome back to Mock the Week.

Now we play a round called Picture of
the Week. I show the panel a topical

and ask them to tell me what's
happening. So, teens, what's going on

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Is
this none of our business?

In many ways, yes, but they drew the
line.

Excuse me.

You're allergic to loving family.

Are you doing an impression of Beckham?
She's got a hay face.

Are you over it? Are you all right? Have
you recovered? Not really, no. I think

I've got another one up there.

I've been taking cocaine to get me
through the Keir Starmer bit.

Is Brooklyn saying, Mum, hands where I
can see them?

Lowest scoring team on Only Connect
ever.

Is this actually a photo of four people
of Victoria standing directly in front

of Brooklyn's wife?

And David Beckham got about 72 roses
that can have his arse.

Yeah, why have they done this at an
accident black spot? Yeah.

It's actually, it's a metaphor for the
relationship of the family, isn't it?

They're there so Victoria can roll
around in them later like American

go, is this inappropriate?

That is Brooklyn Beckham in happier
times with his now estranged parents.

Victoria and David. That's absolutely
right. Thank you very much.

Of course it is. David and Victoria
Beckham pictured

during, as you say, happier times. The
family had probably fallen out after

Brooklyn accused David and Victoria of
controlling him in a statement released

on social media.

What were some of the claims made by
Brooklyn?

The big thing that's come out is that
apparently his mum was dancing

inappropriately at his wedding, which is
not shock news for a mum to dance

inappropriately.

At my wedding, my mum was grinding up
against Greg Davies for an hour.

It was like a bear against a tree.

I see a little bit of a dance and my mum
going, I'll give you a taskmaster.

I do think it's mum's prerogatives at a
wedding.

My mum wore a white dress to my sister's
wedding.

And then when anyone asked why, she was
like, I paid for it, it's my day.

The photographs you see of Victoria
Beckham, she's standing in that same

way where she's just like... You know
those toys where you press the

button and it collapses?

She's like, someone just pressed the
button in just a tiny bit and she's

going... Take your thumb out! There we
go.

We have all the time in the world.

And then she just stood there and
just...

I think it's great, because for years we
wondered what zig -a -zig -a means, and

now we know it's give a lap dance to
your firstborn.

He wrote it all in Instagram, didn't he?
In, like, three Instagram posts. Do you

think he wrote it?

And I read it, and I just thought, I'm
really pleased David Beckham can't read.

He'd be sad now if he could.

It would be. He'd be sad, yeah, he'd be
sad about this. No, he doesn't know,

really. It is mad, though, because we
know so much about him. Like, they sold

photo of him as a fetus.

So photos of him as a baby, as a
teenager. We know where he was made.

I'm not called Ford Cortina Howard.

When will they ever have enough money?

Do you know what I mean? The Beckhams
won't have enough money. They don't need

to keep doing brand deals and
everything. It's different. I'm only

I want a conservatory.

As a stand -up comedian, I am horrified
by the notion of somebody mining their

personal life.

One of the arguments is that they
currently make any money from his name

Victoria owns his name, which is pretty
weird. Just the idea of your mum going,

whatever you do will be mine.

But don't you think that's a lie that
you say to your son if you kept

that photography?

I think it's a lie they've said to stop
him doing the other businesses. I think

it goes the other way. I think he's like
an ISIS hostage.

And they're just sort of taking photos
of him going, I'm having a great time,

captors are excellent.

But, Dad, I don't know how to cook.

The thing about them owning his name,
though, is they wanted him to sign away.

One of the things he complained about is
they wanted him to sign away his name.

But as soon as he signs it, it's not his
name anymore.

And so he hasn't signed it.

If you said that to David Beckham, that
would have killed him.

Look on Dara's face, I did.

Imagine what he'd do to Paul Beckham.

His feet would fall off. I have quite a
lot in common with Brooklyn Beckham,

because I know you're not called Paul
Cortina Howard, but I was actually named

after where I was conceived.

Oh, yeah. Ah, here.

It's a complicated process, isn't it, to
estrange yourself from your parents if

you're in the...

public eye and these they'd have to post
on instagram and everything in my day

if you wanted to get rid of your parents
you just told him you were gay or voted

labor my favorite part of this whole
story though is that the person that

on the news to sort of expose what the
truth is dj fat tony the arbiter of

in a national news story most people are
judged by like a select committee or a

jury of their peers and if it's
introducing dj fat tony

He's not even fat. I can't believe I've
already said that.

I'm beginning to doubt the Tony thing.

Is he now the Monjaro Tony?

Tony on the decks here. Has Brooklyn not
essentially given them what they want?

I mean, they've always aspired to be the
alternative royal family. They sit on

thrones and all that. And now their son
has pissed off with his wife to America

and left the family.

I need a heartwarming story of somebody
gaining their independence and being

able to turn to their parents and go,
no, I don't need your money anymore.

I've married more money!

Money, money, money, money!

This is what I love because she has a
lot more money than him and I earn a lot

more money than my husband and I don't
think you hear enough from me. Get on

your feet!

bits of it okay yes there's boring stuff
like you pay the mortgage and you pay

the bills but when lily allen released
her song pussy palace about how her

husband had another house and she put it
with a dojo and then she went around

there and she found out it's a pussy
palace if my husband wanted a pussy

he would have to ask me to buy him one i
would probably say no like you'd weigh

it up first and go i think i'd say i
think you'd enjoy it more if you saved

for it

Moving on. Who is the latest defection
to reform?

Voldemort.

He likes the look of him.

Shuella Bravo.

Shuella Bravo.

Bringing the number of former ministers
from Boris Johnson's government who have

now gone from Conservative to Eleventh.

It's reform.

They're going to reform the Conservative
Party.

It's not reform.

I've always read it wrong. I thought it
was reform.

But it's not.

To be honest, find it.

kind of unacceptable, because basically
what happened was is that everyone sort

of ended up having a lot of contempt for
the Tories, wanted rid of the Tories,

and now those exact same Tories have
just moved over to a different party,

they're claiming that it's completely
different, and everyone knows it's

the same. You can't just do that, right?
You can't just get increasingly

unpopular somewhere and then jump over
somewhere else and act like it never

happened. Can you do that?

Am I the Farage or the Braverman in this
situation?

Or the generic? Who am I?

And who are you, by the way, in this
situation?

People change, people grow.

Tories, they're losing members, more
members of the House of Lords in a cold

winter.

Also, by the way, for a party who
preaches what they preach, reform has

pretty open borders.

It's the most free movement promoting
party in the world.

Are you allowed to do this, though? Are
you allowed to just be losing and then

claim, oh, no, I'm changing to the other
team? Yes, you are. If you're playing

against Man United and you score an own
goal, you can't then be like, but guess

what? I play for Man United now.

It's a real goal.

And it's not just that it's formatories.
It's that specific group of formatories

from the, like, real dying days dregs of
that government.

And it's sort of like reformer now if a
builder came to your house and was

like... Don't know what cowboys you had
around here last time. And it was like,

it was you.

You're wearing a different hat.

It is you.

What's baffling is that nobody kind of
seems to call Farage in the media.

He's still on Cameo.

Like, you can't be the Prime Minister
and have a side hustle.

Keir Starmer's bad, but he's not on
Facebook Marketplace.

Does that mean that constituents in
Clacton can't get a face -to -face with

their MP, but they could pay £25 and ask
him to say it in a message on their

birthday? Yeah, and if their name was
Hugh Janus, he would definitely do it.

OK, let's move on to what would do the
story of the week, if not the year. What

has a cow in Austria been recorded doing
with a broom for the first time?

Playing Quidditch.

Yes.

And normally, well, she caught the
snitch.

This is a cow that can apparently pick
up...

A broom.

Yes. And, well, it says scratch herself
with it. It looks like she's just

hitting herself with it, which I think
she's basically self -tenderizing.

We need to make a Milanese out of you.
Could you start the process early?

I thought that it was a story about a
cow using a tool, and I thought, oh,

the Beckhams all over again.

Veronica the cow, this is Veronica in
action. Veronica, use a broom. Has

evolved, and I don't use that word
lightly, but I'm definitely using it.

evolved the ability to pick up a broom
and then scratch her own back.

using the room what they said as well is
that she apparently she uses the

bristles to scratch the top and then
uses the other end for the more

area which i think is quite sweet but if
i was the farmer that looks after this

cow i'd be more worried about why my
cow's udders are so itchy there's

cow sat in a chair

It really is going at her tender areas
there, isn't she? Which makes me think,

you know, even a cow's better than a man
at finding a clitoris.

You'd look so dodgy if you were the
farmer, though, eh? If you were just

that going, no, no, no, it's for the
news.

Well, the dark part of the story is that
now that she's learned how to use a

brush, the next thing the farmer's going
to teach her how to use is a bolt gun.

That's how we end the round.

where meat comes from.

Okay, at the end of that round, the
points go to Angela, Ed, and Sarah.

So, once again, after the break, for
more, not to eat.

Welcome back to Mark the Reef. We now
come to a game called Between the Lines,

which is Ed and Reef. Could you make
your way to the press pit, please?

Reef will deliver a speech in the guise
of a leading figure in the world stage,

while Ed will translate what they really
mean. This week, Reef is Prince Harry.

Thank you.

Hello, everyone.

What up, peasants?

It's great to be in England, but I'm
loving life in America with my wife.

Help me.

want to come home.

It is important I have tight security
whenever I visit England.

I'm worried my family will try and kill
me.

I am committed to continuing the great
work my mother started.

I'm committed to breaking up the royal
family and becoming a celebrity.

I had a frank and honest conversation
with King Charles yesterday.

I said, shut up, you're not my real dad.

Before giving up my title, people felt I
served no real purpose.

My wife is passionate about her role.

She's up for a lead in the reboot of
Desperate Housewives.

Climate change is real. We must act.

I'm flying to 42 countries in the next
two months to raise awareness.

I was horrified when my phone was tapped
to reveal embarrassing personal

revelations. Devastating. I was planning
to put all that stuff in my new book.

My family will always be welcome to
visit me in America.

Apart from Andrew, obviously.

My father, the king, has given me plenty
of advice on what to do.

He's told me to piss off and shut the
fuck up.

Well done, Eddie Henry.

Thank you very much.

Now we come to see who we'd like to see.

So then we're going to make our way over
to the performance area.

I'll read out the three topics and then
we'll see what our panelists can come up

with. Okay, here we go. The first
subject is unlikely slogans for British

and cities.

Glasgow! Fucking hollow!

Swindon, city of culture.

Unfortunately, it's mostly thrush.

Clacton. Don't worry, he's almost never
here.

Welcome to London, and enjoy that phone
while it lasts.

Bristol, you don't have to live on a
barge to look like you do.

Welcome to Luton, or as EasyJet calls
it, London.

Why are we called Cockermouth?

Oh, you'll find out.

Canvey Island, in the world's...

rankings, we're still behind Epstein's
one.

Blackpool, because your nan had to be a
flag somewhere.

Ever wonder what Cambridge would be like
if it didn't have a university?

Discover Peterborough.

Want to leave London but not give up
your drug habit?

Come to Margate.

Come to Yorkshire.

where we've got the word the down to a
T.

Welcome to Kendall.

There's so much to see and do. Oh,
you've had the cake already? Oh, yeah.

Visit Croydon and instantly feel better
about all your life choices.

Far. Jane Austen once lived here, and we
won't let you fucking forget it.

Southampton, the people who left on the
Titanic still feel like they made the

right choice.

Is it Portsmouth?

No? Fair enough.

Hereford, also for Himmerford.

that one again and we'll just both take
a seat.

Welcome to Eaton, Britain's cunt
factory.

Wet Wang.

We're a real plate.

Genuinely, that's our name, Wet Wang.

The whole reason we called it that is so
people would come here and no one's

coming here. What do we need to do? Wet
Wang.

We're a real place. Like, what do we
have to do? We're actually... Fingering

home! Fingering home!

We're in Essex! We're on the front of
buses!

Come on, guys!

What's wrong with you?

Shitstorm!

It's not a place.

Welcome to Kent.

Not you.

Nothing is.

Unlikely lines from a romantic novel.

As he pulled down his trousers, the look
in her eyes told him everything he

needed to know.

He would never present MasterChef again.

You ride quite well, Mr Darcy.

But has it gone soft? I can't feel a
thing.

What about 69?

She said, hopefully.

No, lady, he said.

If you don't get the code right, I can't
leave your Nando's.

Treat me like a real woman, she moaned.
So he took credit for all her ideas in a

meeting.

If I know what love is, it's because of
you and the way you're always banging on

about it.

Dear John, you see my badger seal?

Her cleavage was impressive, but he
wouldn't let that distract him from

breaking up with her. He took a deep
breath and said, We've made some lovely

mammaries, but I think tit's breast we
boob on.

Yes, yes, yes! Get more of that inside
me now, she screamed.

My jello was taken to the bake -off gig
like a duck to water.

She lowered her voice, sultry.

Shall we take this to the bedroom?

Look at our phones for a bit, then go to
sleep.

The handsome doctor held the door for
her.

And they say chivalry is dead, she
swooned.

No, I said your grandfather is dead.

I wish I hadn't organised that orgy in
the dark, she said. I don't know what

came over me.

She removed his trousers and underwear
and gasped. Oh, it's like a penis, she

said, but smaller.

He was too shy to tell her his fetish,
so instead he went to the beach and made

sure that he got stung by a jellyfish.

Piss.

I've never done it this way before, he
said.

Normally, it's just me, a rope, and a
wedge of orange.

Chapter 10.

Details that will make Chapter 9 make
sense.

The ammonia in urine reduces the pain
from a jelly sting.

It's also a very arousing thing for some
people, and we don't kink shame here.

I've had thousands of lovers, but no one
like you. Your lips are as red as the

blood in my urine.

Can I get some of that urine on me?

Wow, Ron thought. Harry was right.

If you used your left hand, it really
did feel like someone else was doing it.

As he stared at her voluptuous naked
body, curved the likes of which he'd

seen before, he thought, wow, what other
images can Grok make for me?

Fuck, I'm moist.

Proper, like, gushing.

She unlaced her bodice and ground her
crotch against his thigh until he could

take it no longer. And Brooklyn shouted,
Mum, you're ruining my wedding!

At the end of that round, the points go
to Angela and Sarah.

And that's the end of this show. This
week's winners are Aher Shah, Rhys

and Russell Howard.

Commiserations to Angela Barnes, Ed
Byrd, and Sarah Pascoe.

Thanks for watching. I'm Daryl Breen.
Good night.