All language subtitles for Hit so hard - The life near death story of Patty Schemel (P. David Ebersole - 2011)

Camera got started because I wanted to
document all the places I was going and our

shows and stuff.

Missed it. Cemetery.

Yeah. Yeah.

You know those train cases, You know, it's
like old like, from like the 50s maybe.

And it was it was like alligator skin or
like.

No, no, no. I don't know.

It was brown and it was this square case.

My memoirs are all encompassed in Patty's.

It's funny. Hello?

Oh, it's Penny. This is this Sonic Youth,
baby.

Sonic Youth. Baby, it's baby.

And it's Patty from. Hello, Patty from.

You know, a.

Lot of stuff is gone.

But those tapes survived in that case.

Say hi to someone who's going to be watching
this.

Who are we going to show this to?

Mom?

Hi, Mom. This is Patty from Marysville.

You know, my little red headed girl.

Blair. Blair.

Blair. Blair.

Oh, like, you know.

She's really doing this. You know, rock and
roll, rock star kind of thing.

What about Joe?

Mama? Joe. Mama.

Joe. Mama. Nitzberg Legal.

Joseph Nitzberg caught on tape.

Yeah, that's my favorite hard copy segment.

Will she remember this?

The original Patty Schemel.

Back in 96, we coined the Patty Schemel
biography.

Autobiography would be I'm drumming as fast
as I can.

I'm reading Rolling Stone 1995 Music Awards.

Here we are. Um, got the Artist of the Year.

Nirvana wins Best album, Dookie, Green Day.

Live through this whole best band, blah,
blah, not Honorana.

Um, best female singer Courtney Love of
Hole.

Best new female singer Courtney Gilbert
Hole.

The band. I'm in Volts.

I met the drummer of the band Hole.

Blah blah blah. Best dressed artist.

Courtney Love Best Album.

Live through this hole.

This critics picks now.

Best single Miss World.

Hole Best Video Doll parts from hole Best
Album Cover Live through this Hole.

Best Tour Show Lollapalooza.

Hole. Eric Clapton.

Us and Eric Clapton.

We put on the big shows.

To look at the band.

Hole and you see.

Courtney Love, a strong woman worshiped by
countless teenage girls.

But. Listen and you'll know who's really in
charge.

Another woman, drummer, Patty Schemel.

As a drummer. I'm you know, my right foot
keeps the time and entertains and moves the

entire theater.

When we were first on the road with whole
Patty.

Just she's just heavy, you know, like a girl
that can really, like, hold it down and

really rock, like hit hard and just, you
know, you feel that power.

And the force is like, to me, one of the
most exciting things.

I love her choices.

To me, it's all about the song.

I mean, that's the way I always look at it
when I play drums.

I'm playing for the song.

I'm not playing to show like what I can do.

I've always thought that she's approached it
that way.

She knows just what to play, when and where
in the song.

And and her choices are smart.

She's got great time and she hits the drums
really hard and you got to hit the drums hard

to make them sound good as far as I'm
concerned.

So I'm a fan, you know.

She's almost psychic.

My fondest memories of that band are with
certainly Patty on stage.

She's a tribal and a very, very good way.

Not not a clichéd way.

There was so much respect for her,
especially in the early 90s and the true era

of alternative music.

She is a super proficient, consistent
feeling punk drummer.

Women were told to sit down and close their
legs and be quiet and drumming.

You're all like, Ha!

You know?

So and there's also kind of a myth about how
you have to have all the strength, but the

reality is you're not playing with tree
trunks.

You're playing with sticks that way, like,
you know, a couple ounces.

So and stamina.

Obviously, women have stamina.

They give birth.

The drummer.

That's a guy, you know, like, it just sounds
like a guy.

The drummer. Like, I'm not a very bright guy
either.

Like, the dumbest, sweetest one is always
the drummer.

Every drummer I'm starting to realize is a
comedian in the closet.

And she's and she was like, full on
comedians.

Face.

When I first saw Patti, I was like, Did you
forget her shoes?

She didn't bring her shoes to the gig.

Is that it or what? You know what?

That blew me away. I was like, wow, what is
that about?

I don't know. Maybe you can feel it better.

I don't know. But that really struck me.

She's so strong.

I could watch her all the time.

I get very annoyed when they put the camera
on the singer or on or on the guitarist.

You know, those shows were like.

I mean, there were so explosive and so
fascinating for so many reasons because first

of all, they were great shows.

I mean, musically, it was just interesting,
but it was really, really dark.

It was a really dark time because this was
September of 94.

Kurt Cobain had committed suicide in April,
then Kristin died.

All of those songs, you know, were so oddly
premonitory.

It is like being really sick.

You get better, but you don't get you're
never cured.

My first drink was it was like last day of
school or something, and I wanted some.

And so me and my brother tasted it.

And I remember it tasted disgusting.

Patty and Larry.

They were like twins because they were so
close together for every year at the same age

for two weeks.

You know, from age 12, 13.

It was just always like every now and then
we'd drink or smoke pot or or, you know, like

whatever drugs were around, we'd.

Acid or mushrooms or whatever was, you know,
would come up.

We we, we would.

Do it.

Addiction is is a complicated thing, you
know, I mean, doctors haven't been really

able to pinpoint exactly what happens.

You know, there in my experience there is a
genetic nature to addiction.

Mhm.

Yeah. Well, my parents.

Well I'm really talking about my parents are
alcoholics but they, you know, on my first

drink at 12 and then that was my first
drink, I got drunk and then, you know,

there's problems ensued every time I drank.

I know it seems like such a simple message.

Just say no. But it's an important one.

All over the country, young people are
learning to say no to drugs.

To me, in in the 80s, I wasn't politically
conscious at all until things started in the

music. I start to hear lyrics.

You know, the Dead Kennedys, Jello Biafra
would sing about things, or local bands would

talk about situations going on at home in
Seattle.

And, you know, we're all angry.

There had also been two presidents in the
White House, Reagan and Bush, pretty much it

seemed like our entire lives because, you
know, that lasted 12 years.

And these were people it seemed like people
like us would never be able to talk to.

And meanwhile, everyone my age, we all grew
up just every morning thinking the bombs

would go off. It was the age of mutually
assured destruction.

I'm proud to tell you today that I've signed
legislation that will outlaw Russia forever.

We begin bombing in five minutes.

I've been kicked out of bands in Seattle, you
know, at least three times because I was such

a drunk, you know, and I wasn't showing up.

And, you know, I'd sit down behind the drums
and fall over.

And from playing drums since I was 11, I
knew the difference between one beer and then

being sober. It affected my stamina and it
affected how, you know, I liked to play hard

and fast and I couldn't.

Yeah. I hope this isn't focused because I'm
filming.

Look inside the.

Yeah, but just your forehead.

That's your whole face.

But. There are you?

Documents this.

Yeah.

So that's when other drugs got involved.

You know, I'd get drunk and then do some
cocaine or do some speed and then try to make

a nice little mixture balance so that I
could play and still be altered, you know?

So then when I started playing in whole, it
was like, you know, Patty, maybe you should,

you know, try not to drink so much when, you
know, before we rehearse or two days before

we rehearse or whatever, you know.

And, and so I was like, okay.

So I wouldn't I made up a plan to no
drinking before I played but go crazy after,

you know, just making all these deals.

Yeah. Like trying to arrange it perfectly
and Yeah.

And just sort of like having being drunk and
being high in this crazy ego thing of, you

know.

Places have reputations like the Pacific
Northwest.

As everyone's on heroin, everyone's in
depressed.

Yeah, it seemed like a lot of our little
circle of friends, we were all doing it.

I called Larry and he's like, I don't know
where to get that, but you know, I know where

to get heroin.

Being an alcoholic and an addict, that was
that was my first, first, first love.

You know, at 12, unless I'm, you know, in a
program or recovering and recovery, that it's

always going to be the thing I want to do
first.

You know, I could be going out with Angelina
Jolie, but I'm still, you know, if I'm not

clean and sober, you know, and I'm with
Angelina Jolie and then there's a guy over

there with a crack pipe, you know, I'll hang
out with the bum with the crack pipe.

In the shopping cart.

You know, punk is, you know, outsider and
challenging and, you know, anti-authority.

And so here I am like 30 years old, and and
I'm counting this one from Aids.

This one from drugs, this one from suicide.

You know, to me, a big favor.

Really? What's that?

It's gotta be drugs. Oh, great.

Hey, good guy.

You become numb.

You know, there is a like survivor
detachment thing.

And as much as I love adding was worried
about her, I was just like, I don't know if I

can do this again.

It was really difficult for me to be playing
music and have that lifestyle and stay clean

and sober.

County was dead in the Saturn return.

And you know, the way, you know, that whole
Saturn return thing.

Oh, my God, this has to be in the
documentary.

Basically, every 27 years, Saturn comes back
to life to haunt you.

And it takes three years to get out from 27
to 30, you are given your first major test to

survive. Kurt, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix.

Every all these people died the moment that
thing came in and said, Now survive and show

me that you're strong.

Do this. Face.

All of your challenges face everything.

Most really troubled people.

That's their first opportunity to check out.

You hear me?

How can I?

I was completely high on dope.

I cannot remember much about it.

I'm sorry. I just always like.

We really got along.

She's a Taurus.

Actually, Dylan called me who was her best
friend, Dylan Carlson, and said, Courtney is

looking. You know, it was more like Courtney
is looking for a drummer.

It was my birthday and my 25th birthday, so
it was in April and it was super hot.

And we set up my drums at Jabberjaw, which
is a club on Pico.

Courtney didn't show up to like Midnight and
Kurt showed up with her.

So it was immediately like, you know, how
have you been?

What's been going on, You know, that sort of
catching up thing.

And they were living in a apartment on
Spaulding and.

I was going to stay with them that night.

And so we played.

We tried out different songs and we played
like an old Wipers song.

And then Courtney played guitar and Eric
played guitar and it was fun.

It was great. And the next day Courtney was
like, Well, do you want to go and play again?

And I couldn't because I had a regular day
job.

I had to go back.

I was very proud of her.

She was working at Microsoft.

I just couldn't get over that.

She gave up a good job at Microsoft.

Good.

What are you thinking?

I said.

So we made a plan that I would come down the
following weekend and I was going to go down,

but that's when the riots happened.

Goes on to probably people.

Happy with the whole.

Rodney King thing.

And so no one could go anywhere.

And like, Los Angeles was like, you know,
burning.

And I did sort of get kind of a warning,
though, in a way of like, you know, just be

careful.

The first record.

I'm sure you've heard is like, you know,
really obnoxious and in-your-face and sort

of, you know, noisy.

That record with platinum, it's unlistenable.

That record was a calling card for rock
critics and hardcore that this is what I do

and I'm not going to back down from it.

I am announcing my persona as a cunt.

Thank you very much.

We recorded that first album in, like, you
know, a couple of days.

But it didn't involve drumming at all.

I don't even know who drummed on it.

I drum on that. No.

Courtney was going in a certain direction as
a singer and she needed somebody more solid

behind her. And Patti was.

A perfect person for that.

So I was pretty much in from then on.

Kurt and Courtney had this house out in
Carnation, Washington, which was like this

sort of tree house way out in the middle of
nowhere.

So we used that as our spot to work on songs
in the middle of the forest, and there's

these big windows and it was just trees.

I went through every single whole song there
ever was, even ones that weren't recorded.

When I got into the band, it was April.

And then Eric and I worked on music.

And then. August.

She had Frances.

Kim She's been kept awake all evening for the
last week per week.

And does the little Frances.

With the writing.

And it's always been depending on if the
guitar player comes in

and has an idea, says, I've got this riff,
and then you know, Well, what are you

thinking? You want it fast, slow or
whatever.

You just kind of jam it, jam it.

You say?

I will. Yeah, I know.

What kind of dance is this?

Is this a Genesis dance?

No, it's a hippie dad dance.

She makes me act like a stupid hippie.

Well.

Strike me down.

I can't see anything.

But look at that funny little froggy baby.

Oh, don't look.

Don't look, Don't look.

Oh, don't look.

She's fine. Stinking of.

You know, Patty was very nearly in Nirvana.

Kurt didn't give a lot away in interviews,
but the the drummer, the drummer role for who

was going to be in Nirvana was Dave Grohl,
about third Jay Mascus.

For some reason, he was obsessed with him
and he loved this band, Sybil, that Patti was

in. And so I was like, I want her, I want
her.

And I said, Why don't we split her?

So it's six months, six months.

I lived with them in this house on Hightower.

I lived in the guest room and there was like
a bathroom separating us, and there was this

closet. And that's where Kurt wrote, I think
pretty much all of in utero in that closet.

He would just sit in there and play a guitar
and sit on like a Fender twin reverb.

At some point, Kurt used to hang around us
because he hated his band.

I really did. I mean, he hated those guys.

They were real mean to him.

And he didn't rehearse the last year of his
life.

He loved Patti. He loved Patti, and he loved
Roddy.

You know, my friend Roddy.

Courtney, I think, was bragging about, you
know, her new drummer.

And like to me, especially, you know, she
was really proud.

She had a lesbian drummer.

So it was kind of, you know, like dangling a
carrot.

I've got this new drummer. Where are you
going to be crazy about her?

And then we met. Yeah.

And we hit it off right away.

Patti, Make her happy.

I don't know how many friends.

I just think that Patty and him had a very
special relationship.

And, you know, she was probably more in
Nirvana than I was.

You know, I'd be around to.

To hang out with Francis and hang out with
them.

And there was lots of times when I'd go
downstairs and there's this rocking chair

that Courtney would sit in sometimes with
Francis and or Kurt would sit in it, and I

would take Francis and just sit in that
rocking chair and listen like Kurt would

always get these records in the mail.

And so I'd put on this one song, this beat
happening song called Godsend.

And it's like a four minute song, and it's
really sort of a lullaby.

And I would listen to that over and over and
over again with Francis, and she would fall

asleep. I mean, Kurt was always he was
really considerate person.

I fell asleep on the couch and in the
morning the sun was kind of beating down

through the window.

And he I woke up and he had taken down one
of his paintings off the wall and propped it

up against the window.

And that was really nice.

No, we were worried tonight about your daddy,
weren't we?

We thought he was dead.

What? Mommy worries about Daddy.

Oh, she's going to leave his girls.

I'm going for a pack of cigarettes, and I
ain't never coming back.

This girl is gonna leave his girl.

I would never leave my girls.

Do you love your girls?

I do.

Did you love your girls?

Do you love us? Girls?

Do you daddy love us?

Girls.

When you're older.

I'm going to buy you a Yugo.

But I want to answer.

Don't you want a scooter so you can be a mod?

Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

I'm so goddamn old.

You're so goddamn unhip.

Fuck you.

It's kind of like bathroom humor guy.

It was funny, you know, we had, like.

Like, really, really good sense of humor.

And we both were really into, like, pop
culture and, you know, TV, 70s TV.

And so he was like, that kind of like, you
know, funny sense of humor.

Guy. But then he'd go upstairs and sit down
with his acoustic guitar and play something

and it'd be like perfect from his voice, you
know, like that, that side of him just.

Would disappear into this, like.

Like really heavy, really just amazing,
soulful person.

I met Kurt just through playing different
shows and playing shows in Tacoma and

Olympia. And so one time one of my bands was
going to play with Nirvana and, you know, it

was just kind of like unloading gear, Hey,
how are you doing?

So these are all flyers from the majority of
them are from Seattle in the 80s.

This one is one of I don't know if this was
Nirvana's first.

Seattle show, but they're opening for a
bundle of hiss DOA.

This is a pretty awesome.

Because I got arrested at this show.

This is. Yeah. Here's some early patty flyers
from the Milk-bones.

The Milk-bones must be like.

This was at my high school.

They're going to play at the Marysville
Pilchuck High School this Friday.

Bring all your friends.

This is like 80.

That was in the cafeteria.

Five. Yeah, this is the cafeteria.

Totally went to the library and made this in
the school library.

Okay. My first band was the Milk-bones, and
it was two guys in high school that were

awesome. They were into punk rock.

There was only like 3 or 4 of us in my
school in the 80s that were into anything

different, any kind of different music,
different way of dressing.

We all went to the thrift store together and
people at my school were like all farming

kids and cowboys.

Two guys in my band got beat up so much and
it sucked.

They would always be like going down to the
Dairy Queen and, you know, wanted to beat us,

you know, beat us up with bats and stuff.

Anybody who's anybody will meet up at Dairy
Queen parking lot.

Everybody went off to school from the
milk-bones, you know, And I stayed around

and, you know, moved to Seattle and started
playing music.

Like the first time we played was.

Was strange because.

Like, the audience hated us and they they
were like some girl, some girl beat up and

punched our lead singer.

Like, our first big show was in this old
parking garage.

Yeah, we opened for the Melvins.

And I remember that show because the Melvins
tour van was this old beat up Ford Econoline

with kiss faces all painted on the side.

That was the first time I ever met Kurt was
at that show because he was a roadie for the

for the Melvins. So he was driving the van
and unloading gear.

Kiss My peers would say, Why did you take
your children to see that?

I think that was the initial thing that
really got us into music and and maybe the

idea of having so much fun to play music.

And, you know, when I was a kid, I would sit
down and try to put on the headphones, which

were massive because it was 1984 and then
plug into the, you know, boombox, which was

massive, and listen to the rock station and
just play every single song that came on.

I played every single Kiss song I could
possibly play.

I would make up these massive drum solos
that were all triplets, just like Peter Criss

and Go On Forever and then try to play the
Led Zeppelin.

And, you know, even though I wasn't playing
everything exactly, I'd still keep playing

and, like, pretend I was John Bonham with
the big headphones.

It seemed like every single band I played
in, more people would come and see and then

we'd get more shows and then we'd travel
around you.

I thought it was just our like, thing.

It was our. Our music, our scene.

I never thought beyond that.

I never thought in a million years that I'd
ever turn on the radio and hear Nirvana.

Never. Okay.

Okay. I have to.

They're calling me. I have to work now.

Here, take. Take.

Rock on, baby.

Daddy's got to go.

Rock.

I mean, something's going to be popular.

Someone's going to be on television.

Isn't it better that she's Courtney Love
than some completely vapid, talentless bimbo

who's never had a thought or written a song?

Who has nothing to say, nothing to question,
nothing to ask.

You're doin your thing and you're lucky to be
doing it.

So and they make sure that you know that
you're lucky to be doing it at the mercy of

the machine. By that point, the drugs had
seeped into the

whole scene.

So it was like this crazy, drug fueled
creativity like oozing type of thing that

was totally out of control.

We're looking for a bass player. We
discovered Kristen.

My band was functional.

I had a great bass player.

They were close and Kristen.

There wasn't a lot of mutual drug use with
Kurt, but with Kristen it was different.

We all bonded on some serious levels.

Paul is set to release a new album in
January.

The follow up to Pretty on the Inside.

A new material is still being written with
the new drummer and bass player that have

recently joined the band.

Yeah, we've got it pretty much worked out
and.

Just have to record to go.

In the studio now.

I write most of the lyrics and it's really
great to have found someone that does backup

vocals, thank God, and then Patty's willing
to do them so we can have like three part

harmonies. Yeah, like The Beach Boys.

Yeah. Yeah.

We written all of Live Through this and we
went to Atlanta to record it.

And while we were recording it, one of the
guys that worked at the studio just happened

to have an abundance of crystal meth.

So it was basically me and Larry and Kristen
would all get high together.

But the worse it got with all of us, the
more we'd hide from each other.

You know, like Kristen would tell me, like,
I'm not doing that.

I'm not strung out. And then I'd be like,
I'm not doing that.

Well, the art of it was like.

Hiding it from everybody else in the band or
within our group, you know, of our crew.

And everything was like.

Tiptoeing inside the, you know, guy's office
or the engineer or whoever it was, you know,

the dude going into his office and going,
Hey, Rudy, or whatever his name is, you know,

can I get some of that, you know, or
whatever.

The guy would be like, Sure, have a seat.

You know, having a rough time or whatever,
you know?

And I remember he took this baggie out and
slaps it on the desk, and then he grabs this,

like, giant, uh, it was a paperweight made
of.

It was like a giant bolt that you would.

And he starts crunching the stuff and he's
like, So how was your trip to New York?

And I was like, It was great.

It was like, I don't want to make small talk
with this guy.

I just want to, you know, lay it out and.

Kristen hey, Rudy, what's going on?

You know? And she comes in and I'm like,
shit.

And she's like, Don't worry about it.

And she sits down and she does a little,
too.

And then so we were both, you know, Courtney
was never into that.

You know, the ups like it was all about,
don't tell Eric.

Well, I mean, there's no hiding it from me
because I've already abandoned Courtney for a

couple of years. And our plan started.

It was like, you know, Hey, Eric, you're the
sober one.

You have a car drive us downtown, you know?

And I'm like so innocent thinking like, oh,
they're going to get some tacos.

And now they're going to the taco truck for
another reason.

I remember we were doing basic tracks for
Miss World and I was like, I need to get, you

know, I remember going to the guy in the
office and like getting so much crystal meth

and recording that song.

So that that song was recorded a bit
altered.

Timing. Try it on.

And one thing was definitely a lot more
people doing it everywhere.

And it was not cool.

Just not cool. With a drummer, you really
can't do heroin.

You're the one that keeps it all together.

And if you're affecting your your soul, you
know, and your meter and, you know, keeping

it all together.

Heroin is not the drug for drummers to be
doing.

It's all.

Okay, let's try.

One, two, three, four.

Mr. Machine, the first four bars is all you.

Come on, let's try it again.

One, two, three, four.

I'm sorry.

I went on a tour with Hole, and we did, like,
a West Coast tour with The Lemonheads.

What do you need? What's wrong, Evan?

She took.

My cigarettes.

En route to your next stop.

And when we came back, we had a show in
Seattle.

And I asked. I called up Larry, and I said,
come to the show.

Nirvana Aftershow presented by Lady Stick.

And there's a hole from November 14th.

That's the show, I think, like that show that
I came back from on the Lemonheads tour.

And you and Simon were there and you guys
had were high that night.

Oh, 1990.

It was Thanksgiving from Thanksgiving Day.

It was on from there.

Just start shifting a little bit here and
there and every weekend turns it.

Every other day. Every other day turns into
every day.

Next thing you know, you wake up and you're,
you know, you're sweating and you're feverish

and oh, God, what's wrong with me?

I don't feel very good.

And you do a shot of heroin and then you're
fine.

And then you're like, Oh, I get it.

Okay. I'm strung out.

I started using and I was going to kick, but
I was going to take a trip to my sisters and

I was going to drink the whole time.

That was my brilliant plan there.

And. I turned on the TV and I saw it on the
news.

Suicide at the age of 27.

More now from NBC's Brian Williams.

I grabbed the phone and I called and I called
Eric and he was like, yeah, come home.

That was I.

For some people, it's a seminal moment.

It's like the Kennedy of their life.

You know, when Kennedy was shot, where were
you when you found out about Kurt Cobain?

Everyone of our generation, I think,
remembers where It's crazy.

I was in a cubicle at the Sierra Club where I
was a part time secretary, and my roommate at

the time called and said that he that he was
dead.

And I.

You. Patti called and she was in tears and I
was like, such a strange day.

I think I was home. I think Courtney actually
called and I had just been in Seattle right

before he died, and I think he was going
through a really hard time.

I went up to Seattle when that happened with
Roddy and we were like holed up in the house

with a bunch of people.

And Patti was there a lot, but luckily it
was just like, as you can imagine, dark,

crazy, chaotic, like what's, you know, and
really isolating and really like media

outside kind of freaky, just surreal.

In the dining room there was this long table
and there was all these people there.

I think Kurt's mom was there, but I remember
walking in the front door and just looking at

all those people there and.

And then feeling really uncomfortable about
how to say hello.

You know, like, how do I say hello?

Uh, you know.

Hi, Patty. Hi.

How are you?

I'm okay. That was it.

It was weird. I felt awkward about.

Okay. You. I didn't know what.

Tape ending.

Okay, sign.

Off. Sayonara.

Goodbye. Yoshio Noto Ali Bocchi.

Nana Fura Kaibigan.

It's so silly.

And, like, morbidly ironic that the way I
handled it was getting wasted.

Me and my roommate just, you know, got high
after that.

But yeah, that's how we dealt with that.

Christian and Patty both had some issues
after Kurt died and it was like curtains were

flung open and all of a sudden we're seeing
everything differently.

And, and so when people were like, trying to
cover everything, I started getting mad at

them because. No, no, no.

We just keep seeing what's, you know, you're
starting you're seeing the demons, you're

seeing the darkness. Now you're seeing what
it leads to.

Let's let's keep looking.

I got was constantly getting loaded all the
time to, like, kind of, like, deal with that

feeling and that feeling and those feelings
about his death and then kind of coming to

and going, okay, I've got you know, there's
there's work to be done here as far as my

music. And there's, you know, I'm not I'm
not ready to die yet.

And so that was my first trip to rehab.

I was home maybe a day or two, and that's
when Kristen.

Called and said, Do you want to come over?

You know, I'm packing up my apartment, I'm
moving back to Minneapolis.

And, um, and I couldn't do it, you know,
And, you know, she's like, you know, bring

over my pixie's record and my, you know,
this and that and.

Oh, yeah, one pot of coffee for two people
for three.

One one big pot of coffee.

Do you want some coffee?

Would you like some coffee.

I've got your coffee maker or whatever, you
know.

And I was like, you know, I told my
girlfriend, can you can you just bring these

things over to her? I can't see her right
now.

Eric Erlandson had taken Drew Barrymore out
for his first date with her the night before.

She'd gone back to Minneapolis.

And then. She kicked out there.

But then she came back and then she got
high.

That night, you know, so when you go when
when you get clean and then you go and you

use the same amount you did when you were,
you know, that's that's when you.

Eric went to check on her before this date
and her band mate was in there.

She was snoring in the bathtub.

And then he went out with Drew and he had a
bad feeling all night.

Slept in with Drew in the morning.

The next morning.

I went to work because when I got home from
rehab, I was like, I need to go to work

painting houses on Bainbridge Island, which
was like, you know, you take a job and you

just kind of like, get my mind off
everything.

And just so I take this ferry every morning,
the island and and paint.

They had to break in, break in the door.

And and she was in the bathroom and they
they found her.

Eric was on the other line and he's
screaming, you know, she's dead.

She's dead. And Kristen was in the bathtub.

And I get back.

I've never spoken to Sophie Muller, the
director again.

I said, I've got to go. My bass player just
died, hung up and went over there and saw her

body. And that's the second body in two
months.

And I was like.

Fucking fuck.

The real kind of kicker was that she was so
close, she was packed and ready to, you know,

get out of Seattle.

And, you know, she she didn't make it.

That's fine. That was the same day Kristen
died.

So let's get to the interview.

And Lady Kristen died.

Yeah, that was fun.

Why didn't you cancel it?

Because I didn't know. She said tell about it
the next morning.

I'm sure the phone was just sitting on my
other phone.

It's for you.

Really? It's number, right?

Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

My roommates.

Which is how we figured that it was Chris.

It wouldn't do so Now, that was an insult to
her.

Because he called.

My house saying, how do I get a hold of
Kristin?

She she just called me and I'm like, Well,
call the number back.

Break up.

I'm never coming back.

Kristin It was just tragic.

It was pure tragedy. It wasn't like, you
know.

It was just pure tragedy.

Horrific. Horrific.

Overshadowed by currents, overshadowed by.

Kurtz Completely. And and just not fair.

The fact that Crichton died, I was like.

What, are you fucking kidding?

At that point, my compassion wasn't there.

It was anger. That's what it turned to.

Not not at her, but just at this whole like.

Like what is going on?

You got a phone call? It's like, you know,
and it was my girlfriend, and she was like,

Kristen overdosed last night.

So I caught the next ferry out.

And it was that ride from Bainbridge Island
home.

I mean, it's a beautiful island.

And it was summer. It just forced me.

You know, I was clean, sober and totally raw
and like, okay, I have to feel this and I

have this moment to just sit here.

Nowhere to go, just to sit here and think
about this and.

Uh.

Sir. Practice.

It's all those things about death.

Like that person was just here, you.

Know, just looking at me just the other day,
you know, talking to me.

And now they're not.

It's so weird.

That life's gone.

I don't know, just back to back.

The kind of feeling of, like, somebody that
was this close to me, you know, doing the

same thing I did.

And she just died.

You know, she died.

And that that that reality just kind of hit
me because everybody was I was like, you only

die if you do that, you know?

And I.

I was always like.

I thought Patty and I thought this is what
could happen.

Because when you use those drugs.

See it takes your your reality away.

And the only help you could get was to get
out of here.

It's either you start doing something or you
just go into oblivion.

And so it's like, how do you turn the poison
into medicine?

How do you like turn it? The bad situation
that just happened into something positive.

It was sort of like a wake up, like, let's
get down to business.

What are we going to do? Are we going to
stay together?

Are we going to continue to?

Are we going to tour for this record?

Yes.

Yes, yes.

So it was had the opposite effect that Kurt
had.

It was like, now we got to get our shit
together.

We have a record and we have something to
say and we got a reason to play now.

Oh, I asked what?

I figured they'd had a reason.

It must have.

It must come from something.

Is it, like, metaphysical?

It's that with the most vulgar, obvious
references, predominantly female rock band

calling yourself Hole.

Why not Gash?

You know, like.

I'm going to name my band something really
subversive and provocative.

You know, it was part of what could be
perceived.

I'm sure Camille Paglia would perceive it
this way as as a very strong feminist

statement. You know.

It's my band. And he is in the same way that
it's Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails.

This is Courtney Love's Hole.

A couple of months after Crystal and Diamond
were in rehearsals with a million bass

players from all over the country.

That was tough because with every single
person they brought in, I was like, so super

hard on them because Kristen was an amazing
bass player that raised my level of playing.

She was awesome and she attacked the
instrument the way I attacked my drums.

This the same way.

In hindsight, I'm.

Like, That's kind of crass, you know, to be
doing that a couple of months after someone

died, you know, like, take a break.

There's no time.

I certainly had no plans to join Hole.

I told you that even when I was asked, I
said no because it seemed like a very sad

scenario to be going into.

But I remember someone said, This is how
crazy rock is.

You could be replacing or you could be the
new bass player in Hole.

And I said, What? No, no.

And I remember just thinking, that is a very
sad place.

I guess I just maybe related instinctively,
obviously more to Kristen and maybe it was

even like a red flag of don't join hole.

This is Melissa Opsomer from Montreal.

She speaks to me in French avec mon coeur.

Very big. Very big d'entenca.

And to me.

Media in series from you riding the horse
when you were little.

By Dharmakirti.

You see, she was really gracious.

She was really young.

She had this quiet control about her and
just.

Just had this good spirit.

I'm going to enter the dark side and be
living in close proximity to people who play

with death.

But sometimes I feel for the pain.

I feel.

In the same way Drew was bringing some
sunshine in my life.

I was like, Melissa brought sunshine to the
band, you know?

And so it was and we needed it because it
was dark and gray.

It was within the first day or two that Patty
came into my room at one point and said, you

know, basically opened up very quickly and
said, it seems.

Crazy right now. But, you know, once we start
playing and stuff, it'll you'll kind of get

into the groove of it and don't feel
overwhelmed.

Patty was, you know, right away my best
friend.

We're going to film in the morning because
we're going to do a radio phoner interview

with.

Nick of tomorrow's Radio.

Morning show. Good morning.

I just had two vodkas, a couple of
cigarettes and a ten minute nap.

And I'm here to wake up the city on Monday
morning with my daughter Melissa and her

friend Patty. And they're down in Memphis,
Tennessee, in the states out there today.

No redheads ever deny a redhead connection?

We're a dying breed.

We are a mutated gene.

We are an unpredictable gene.

We are not going to be around forever.

And when we find each other, there is a
sisterly thing and brotherly sisterly thing

with any redhead I've ever met.

And there's not very many of them that I
know.

And Patty's pretty much.

Yeah, Patty would be the most important
redhead in my whole life.

Yeah. Yeah.

Melissa was my.

Was my anchor, you know?

And I looked to her, and then she would look
at me, and we'd both have this sort of

knowing thing where it would be like, you
know, when things were crazy, you know, we'd

have that look. And then afterwards, then
we'd like both sit down and go, Oh my God.

And then be able to.

You know, just like.

Oh, can you believe you had a.

Blah, blah, blah?

When you're 18. This reminds me of.

When I was 18 and I had crushes on straight,
straight girls at school, you know?

And then they wouldn't, you know, it would
hurt, break my heart, you know, And they

would know that.

I liked him.

And now the more liberal and sexually
experimental, everyone gets more likely

they're going to play with it, you know, And
they think that you're probably callous to it

or something because it's just something
that exists in your life, I don't know.

And then they're like, Yeah, they're just
not being sensitive about it because they

think that they can make it all better by
being honest.

And a woman, you know, and they always know
they can get out of it by saying, Actually

know what I think. You know, I tried it
because you're special.

You really, you know, you do something
different.

And I tried it because I love you, but it's
not going to work for me.

She was 17 and a bunch of the girls from
Marysville High.

A whole bunch of them, maybe.

5 or 7 of them.

They went up to Vancouver, Canada.

She came back and.

She.

She came to the door in the afternoon and she
was.

She opened it.

I opened the door and she went flying up the
stairs.

In a few minutes, two girls came.

I don't know who they were, and they said,
It's Patty here.

And I said, Yeah, what's the matter with
her?

And they go, I don't know.

But as long as she's here with you, she's
safe.

And so I went okay.

And I went up and I held her and I go,
What's the matter?

And she said.

She made a pass at one of the girls.

And these girls were straight.

And they all started to scream and get away
from her.

It humiliated her.

That's how she came out.

So I just held her and held her.

And I said.

God, I don't do it.

Somebody hurt you?

Did She goes. They did.

I go? I mean, with blood or knife or
something?

I said, Listen, this is Marysville.

What do you expect?

You know?

We love you and.

This is not. Don't cry.

You know, you.

You've got a whole world ahead of you.

There was sort of a vibe that we were really
oppressed because we.

We didn't. We were way in the middle of
nowhere.

We felt, you know, like even Seattle, there
wasn't a lot going on there.

It wasn't like a hotspot, you know, And it
was rained all the time and it was super

depressing.

In the 70s or whatever.

Growing up, the only gay people we knew were
sort of like feels like kind of cartoon

characters on sitcoms or something like
that.

Just like, you know, it didn't feel to me
like I ever had anyone to look up to.

And it was just sort of this like empty
frontier.

When I started to realize that, you know,
that there was that I was a lesbian.

It was weird. It was like, I'm not going to
say that.

I'm never going to say that.

Oh, you know, I'll be that's not normal.

Having a best friend for you know, that I go
to shows with and hang out with nonstop and

then have this attraction towards her and
then get really drunk one night and then make

the big mistake of, you know.

Like, you know, like.

You know, like I have a thing, you know, And
then so then the next day, you know, of

course my friend would be like, you know,
and I'd be like, well, I was drunk, drunk,

you know, I'll call.

Everybody had a house with a basement and a
rehearsal space in the basement, and we'd all

get drunk and, you know, rehearse.

And, you know, there was every single
practice space just stunk like beer.

Always everywhere.

Guys so drunk, I'm walking on my ankles out
there.

Here we go.

But then it was torturous.

Thank God for music and punk rock and those
people, because you could be whatever you

wanted to be. You could dress any way you
wanted to.

I think there's a notion that, Oh, well,
we've got this big gay world now and

everybody's out and it's no big deal.

And if you talk to a lot of liberal straight
people, they'll say, Oh, what do you mean

you're dealing with discrimination?

Oh, come on, That doesn't really happen
anymore, does it?

And you know, every young queer that I talk
to still feels alone.

Still feels like they're the only one.

Even though they've seen a few people out on
TV, there are more than maybe ten.

There are more than ten, I think.

Maybe not. Gay lesbian set her out in the
media.

People still feel alone and other and want
to die.

I was really into music and I found other
freakish people through music not out, but

sort of androgynous icons like Klaus Nomi,
David Bowie, Patti Smith that were playing

with gender. And that was interesting to me.

To me, the grunge movement was all about
fashion and, you know, where the grunge

movement took all their fashion from, from
the lesbians.

There's the line, You want to draw the line.

You go right from the 1970s, lesbians right
to the grunge movement.

I mean, the jeans, the flannel shirts, that
whole a whole ensemble.

It is lesbian feminist.

Fashion is what it is.

Well, when did they the American psychology
AMA no longer call it a disease.

Homosexuality wasn't that 76 in the 70s
sometime.

So I quit in 73.

And it was we don't want to come across as
gay.

If we come across as gay, we'll lose
whatever shot we've got.

I was not out in Fanny.

If an interviewer asked me, you know, Do you
guys have boyfriends?

Oh, yeah. We all have boyfriends.

My first love was this woman named Jen.

And I mean, really the first real deal.

She was walking around with this piece of
masking tape right here, and it said, Frank

with a P-H.

And I went up to her and I was like, You
like Frank?

And she said, Yeah.

And so I was like, well, so that was kind of
like our icebreaker.

But I think I called her like nine times and
hung up first.

And she was like, Are you the person that's
been calling and hanging up?

Because I got home and I had like nine
messages and no, you know, and I was like,

No.

I got a full of swagger, you know?

I always felt like a freak because I was gay.

And I always kept that a secret.

You know, there was there was no programs,
you know, in the 80s for kids, you know, gay

teen youth.

Is this the anti-gay state?

Right. I've seen the.

Someone once said that Nirvana attracted
everybody that had ever been through a broken

home. That's pretty true in general, but my
niche is a lot more specific and it's a lot

of females and a lot of gay guys and a few
advanced and evolved heterosexual men.

Not many.

And there's a few out there.

What? You don't love me till you fucked me.

There's a fine recipe in what happens before
the show.

You know, and, you know, I wish things
didn't affect me so much, but, you know, when

things are chaotic, it's really hard to feel
comfortable.

She was fronting her band.

She was different looking.

She was fucking with people's aesthetics in
terms of what was pretty, what was cool, all

that stuff. And it was powerful.

Even just her stance when she put her foot
up on the monitor and play and it felt like

this is a strong person.

But then there was the part that was not so
empowering, I suppose, or the message didn't

feel great to me.

Like, you know, flashing the audience and
ranting and raving, the criticizing of other

women, the, you know, sleeping with their
dating every rock star and then taking them

to like the whole being completely out of
control, out of her mind on drugs.

Look, I'm not saying that Courtney wasn't.

Isn't. Tough, you know, interpersonally, and
that she isn't challenging.

Yes, she is.

But she is challenging as a fan, you know,
like kind of putting on the fan hat and

seeing that.

It's all part of the performance, you know,
all of that chaos.

And but my job is to kind of rein it in a
little bit and and make it seem like it's all

supposed to be happening.

You know, this is over here is happening.

But, you know, and we're playing music to go
with this and this is all part of the show.

Patty seemed great, and she seemed like I
said, she seemed removed from it all.

And, you know, you could never tell what was
going on with Eric.

He was just like stone faced, you know, all
the time and rolling, you know, eye rolling.

Like he just kind of roll his eyes on stage
and they all kind of would because she would

just go off and they had to stand there.

Lots of talking, always late.

So Patti and I had a lot of like, twiddling
of thumbs on the stage.

We'd look at each other while the talking
was going on.

Happy or sad?

Happy. Happy. Happy.

Happy.

Job well done. Job done within the
boundaries.

I had a hard time telling.

I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I know we're a little weak, but whatever.

Happy. Always happy.

Happy. Happy. Always.

Always.

In Japan, all the shows were super early,
like 8 p.m.

at night. And.

Courtney doesn't get up until 8 p.m..

At night.

Basically. So it was always like, what are we
going.

To be able to make it to.

The show on time?

We didn't like hang out a lot in my band,
you know, like me and Melissa.

But, you know, and but it wasn't like, Hey,
let's all hey, let's all check out this new

vegetarian.

Restaurant here in.

New Haven.

You know.

None of that.

I think.

There would be moments where we'd come
together like we had a day off and someone

invited us to the beach or it's somebody's
birthday, so we're all going.

To try.

We're going to be told the gods.

All right there.

Instead. Oh, poor Paddy.

Could I do if I had a free hand?

I'd help.

And ultimately.

You're committed to each other and you love
each other.

Being in a band is just this unspoken,
unconditional love with all of the weirdness

that comes with it.

That's you. A band is the ultimate
dysfunctional family.

It is. It is a mirror of of a regular
family.

You have the lost child, the identified
hero, the the middle child.

You have the bully.

You have the underachiever, the
overachiever.

You know, you have the whole dynamics of
what happens in a regular family.

Hey, Courtney, can we get a picture of you
with your birthday cake?

No, no. You're like children of the corn.

That's what you. Every god damn fucking
children of the corn.

Hahahahahahaha.

No conversation, please.

No, no, no.

Mommy doesn't want this conversation.

I remember there always being a sense of
danger when but Courtney and that the punk

part of her where she just dives into the
crowd or creates a riot outside the window.

I mean, that's what made it magical because
most people are boring and they don't do

that.

I want to go down there. No, that's Pat.

Do it. Do it quick.

That parish stuff is probably a great example
of the kind of danger element of Courtney

that made for such good stuff.

And it started because Courtney was throwing
stuff out.

And I think that Courtney may have even like
climbed out on the edge of the windowsill or

something.

Nobody wants my job and everybody wants my
job.

It's awesome. It's weird.

It's awesome and weird.

It's a really good time to be a woman in
rock.

Excellent. Because you have no you have no
rivals.

I haven't. I don't have one rival.

Madonna wakes up every day and someone wants
to be her.

Nobody wants to be me, which is so awesome.

I also had a girlfriend that was within that
group of people.

I put the drugs and everything away, But I'm
going to have I now have this person in my

life that's my girlfriend, but my person
that helps, you know, tell me, you know, you

look good, You play good, you dead to you,
you know, And that's what you know, she was

to me, you know, of course I loved her.

And she was a brilliant woman.

But, I mean, then that's what I clung to.

So that isolated me from Melissa.

All your basic choices are taken away from
you, where you are, what you're going to eat,

when you're going to eat. What are you going
to do?

Where are you going to sleep?

The only time that you really have to
yourself is like, you know, behind closed

doors of a hotel room.

You see why people do drugs and drink because
you're so damn uncomfortable and bored.

You have these secretive times, you know,
where like, okay, that's my time when I can

be behind these closed doors and no one's
going to bother me in my hotel room.

You feel like you can get away with anything
you want to get away with.

You know, in that hotel room.

And that's kind of leads to, like, you know,
yeah, irresponsible behavior.

I think we're all extremists.

And that's why we came together, because we
were in some way or another, we go to one

extreme and then to the other.

You know, and when you're when you're under
that pressure to perform.

It's kind of break out somewhere else.

Like once the pressure is off, you're going
to let out a lot of steam somewhere, you

know?

And then eventually me and.

My girlfriend at the time getting strung out
together, and I wished that could have worked

out and continued.

But my choice was always to, you know, play
music and get wasted and be crazy.

And, you know, that's what I chose.

Say.

Are. In fact, although Courtney Love might
be the poster child for needing help

in overcoming addiction, it was love that
actually helped Schemel become aware of Map

and how they could help her become sober.

She calls up and she's like, you know, I know
you're strung out and da da da da.

And like, you know, I'm thinking about going
to Hawaii, you know, and just get, you know,

you should really get out of, you know.

And me and my girlfriend were both strung
out and stuff and we were like, No, we're

not. What are you talking about?

Blatant lying?

No, we're not. No, no, no, no, no.

And then she's like.

She's on the other on the phone.

She's like, Hang on a second.

I got to go in the other room.

Hold on. Don't get off the phone.

And I was like, okay, okay.

So she then acts like she's getting up and
on the other end, like she set the phone

down, but she didn't.

Okay. So she's then she's like putting her
hand over the phone and she's like,

listening. And I'm.

Then on the.

Other line going, Oh.

My God. She knows.

She knows. She knows.

We're she's trying out. What are we going to
do?

I don't want to go Hawaii, my God, it's going
to be miserable, you know?

And then. And then two minutes later, she
gets she goes, Hi, I'm back.

And I'm like, oh, okay, okay.

And then she's like, okay, I heard that
whole thing and I heard what you said, and we

are going to Hawaii.

You know, going on a tour thinking that I
was going to be able to stay clean and sober

and then relapsing again, you know, and this
is like, I don't know, the 48th time or some

craziness, you know, going through that
cycle.

How many, you know, rehabs, how many times
are people going to have to just say, you

know, you're not responsible, you're not
dependable, You gotta get you know, you can't

you can't be part of our band.

You know, how many times does it take that
whole cycle of crap to happen before you

know, I would get it.

Our song writing process has been a certain
way and it was time to start making changes.

We're wide vulnerable to any of the outside
influences.

It was like from that machine, especially
with what was going on with the movie stuff.

Then all of a sudden it's like you got to
step up because now you have all this other

attention to.

Making that record was really tough on her
because there was that asshole producer guy,

whatever his name is, Michael.

Beinhorn.

And Michael Beinhorn was sort of famous for
making great sounding records, but for

destroying bands and particularly drummers,
you really.

Wrote Her Heart. But Michael's very, very
famous for kicking drummers off of records.

He does it every fucking record.

He doesn't not do it, put it that way.

If you have a band and you're going to
Michael Beinhorn, you better tell your

drummer to man up.

We called him on it before we even started
working on.

We heard if you fire the drummer, everything
like, Oh yeah, yeah, you know, it got like

brushed aside like, Oh, this not going to
happen.

You had to record the drums first.

So nothing can be recorded without the
drums.

So Patty was first on this big production.

Patty had to lay down the foundation.

Things were great. But then I remember
Michael Beinhorn coming in and sitting down

and being like, Let's get crack, get into
shape.

You know, those music stands that you have
and like school band, you know, they're made

of metal. And he comes in and like, I had
like, you know, riser and a carpet and then

my drum kit there and then all this like,
sawdust from the drum sticks, you know, and

then broken sticks everywhere, right?

And he picks up like a broken drum sticks
and like, tilts this music stand and he's

like, cracking it, you know, like, hitting
it in like, this is a tempo going kah kah

kah. And it was so freaking annoying.

And I was like, from this really good
creative process we'd had into this static of

friction.

So Patty like, and I were playing the songs
and I guess Melissa too, over and over again

in the studio. And very quickly the producer
starts to work.

Patty When my struggle started, we just
detached.

I don't know. It's crazy because I know that
she was there when I was recording.

I don't remember confiding in her going
through it.

It was just like, okay, all I've got is
myself and I need to like, work this out.

There's a button on the on the recording
console when you play playback and you got it

at a rocking volume and it's dim just like
you dim the lights and you hit dim.

And usually the volume is lowered by, you
know, usually two thirds, three quarters

percent, so that it's in a talking.

And you would ever you'd hit dim if you were
going to have a conversation with someone in

the room.

Day one, You know, we're working, we're
working and it's not so bad, you know, And

then it just started going downhill.

It was like, no, do it again.

You know, these are parts I wrote myself.

So if I wanted to play it a certain way,
I'll play it that way.

You know, it's my style.

That's how I do it.

When Patty would play after a while, if we
got all the sounds after, you know, a week

and a half that Michael would just jam and
it would, you know, not really listen to what

she was playing. Just read the newspaper.

And he would do that over and over again.

All right, Patty, you know, again.

Hit them and then he'd look over to Paul.

Sorry to put you through this.

I remember thinking during the whole thing
like, I'm in a pitching slump and, like,

going home every day hours.

My body is killing me and, like, thinking,
what happened?

Something's wrong.

Something's wrong.

I'm everything.

I'm not doing drugs.

That was the other thing.

It was like, I'm not loaded and I'm clean.

Why? How come?

What's wrong with my parts?

What the fuck is wrong?

Eight hours a day, Patty.

Just playing all the way through and kind
of.

Not a lot of talk.

You know, just okay again.

Then you did.

Have one day off and, like, maybe, just
maybe, watch TV or something.

And all I could watch was like sports
documentaries because it was, you know, like,

I totally.

Could relate.

To the struggle.

You.

Know? You know, and I have no no connection
to sports, you know, but I could relate to

that struggle of that that physical struggle
of, you know, trying to win and trying to do

it and trying to get it.

We actually had a healer person come in and,
you know, and heal my drum kit.

Master Wu came in and did this whole
ceremony.

And then I was like, okay, okay.

And him actually saying that, you know,
there's bad energy in here, you know?

And I remember like you're telling me,
Master Wu, there's bad energy in here.

What I gathered was that he had wanted Patty,
you know, to kind of give up.

I knew the drummer that came in, Deen
Castronovo.

We'd actually done a Whitesnake tour
together.

So when he came in, you know, to play drums,
he's like, Hey, dude, you know, what are you

doing? He's like, Man, I've been waiting two
and a half weeks for this girl to go, you

know, like, Oh.

Johnny, one take.

You know who comes in special shoes and
gloves on.

And.

Whatever, you.

Know? And like, he nails it.

They brought in, you know, Courtney, and they
were like, This is her drum tracks and this

is what you'd have to play to the thing.

I thought when Michael played me a loop of
Patty's weakest playing was, Jesus, this

sucks. He's right.

And then they when they brought in Deen and
this is Dean.

Courtney was her band.

She was the leader. She could have done
whatever, you know, And she listened to the

very controlling producer.

But he does it to everybody and everybody
does it to everybody.

I mean, Don was does it to everybody.

I mean, they all do it.

I mean, it's half the people you think are
drumming, aren't drumming.

Justine had said that, you know, that Michael
had had him call planned to come in way

before the fact that any tapes were played
in the band.

Patty, you know, couldn't hack it.

Patty is a pro man and she knows what she's
doing.

That's really insulting.

You're either a band or you're the Courtney
Love show.

Same thing happened to us, you know, like the
mid 80s to the late 80s, it was become the

Susanna Moore Show. It's so easy for the
record companies to just pigeonhole one

person and say, okay, this is the this is
the focus.

I get their spin, they're expendable.

He wanted to use drum machines, you know, for
all the parts.

And, you know, I was so flipped out and
everybody in the band was like, well, you

know, Gene, it's your call.

And and I my agreement with Martin was, I
tell you what, give me a shot to beat the

machine.

I wasn't going to give up, you know, And I
knew that it got down to that point where it

was like, you know, you're going to have to
take you're going to have to pull me out

because I'm not going to stop.

It's a nasty, greasy, icky business, you
know, And for for Patty to be treated that

way, it really hurts.

That hurts.

That's just not nice.

If you don't want her to be the drummer on
an album, fine.

Fine. But tell her ahead of time.

We want this guy.

And if this producer came in and had an
agenda.

Who signed? The producer.

Did Courtney approve it?

Courtney was a big enough star by then,
wasn't she?

She could have said, Wait a minute.

We're a band. This is who we are.

This is our sound.

Help us make it better.

Now, I wish somebody had stuck.

Behind me and said, you.

Know, give her a.

Chance. Let her do it. You know, a few
thousand more times, if that's what it takes,

you know?

So economically, that record was $3.2
million.

Patti would have cost me another $2 million.

I leave you that night when that decision had
to come down, it was like, you know, not not

a good night, not a good feeling.

I remember Courtney saying literally this
sort of dramatic moment where I'm about to

leave the studio and I'm like.

You know, after the whole discussion
happened of what the decision was, I remember

her saying, you know, okay, Patti, you've
got this is a moment.

You've got a decision to make here.

Either you can walk out that door and just
let this happen or you can walk out the door

and get high and then you're making a huge
mistake.

And I just remember being like, so, you
know.

Fuck you.

I have nothing. I have no say in anything.

You know? I, of course, would have preferred
not hurting Patti's feelings, but I didn't

have a say in this.

I was, you know, just getting ready for my
parts.

I felt, you know, betrayed that she wasn't
right there and saying, you know, you know,

hey. Don't let this happen.

Or you know why? Where was she?

You know, that was my whole thing was like,
where was the rock?

Patty We didn't really see after that.

When it was decided she wasn't going to play
on the record, it was never, You're not going

to be in the band. She was still going to be
in the band.

There was just going to be a ghost drummer.

There was no credit for the guy on the
record.

Patty is the drummer of Hole, you know, the
big Italian guy.

He's not going to be in the pictures.

White guys don't play on their records.

You know, it's just part of the thing.

You know, you get Joe Schmo, Johnny, one
take comes in and plays and then, you know,

you take a trip to Hawaii or whatever and
come back and your parts are done.

I wish somebody had just said, this is normal
kids.

You know, business is fucking usual, not a
gender issue.

How it goes. No one's going to know.

No big deal.

The guy did a pretty good job of copying
Patty's parts.

And I had to sit there and go there after
up.

I had to go and work with this guy and it
was just me because he couldn't play with any

girls and.

She's not going to play on the album.

But, you know, Patty was supposed to do the
tour.

Well, I'm not going to I'm not going to just
sit back and let this happen.

So when when I'm, you know, on tour and I'm
playing my show and then afterwards I get off

stage and some kid goes, Well, that part on
that, you know, on the record was a little

bit different. And it sounds, you know, what
did you do here or there?

And I'm not going to go Well, actually,
Johnny, one take did this.

You know, I'm not going to do that.

I would feel so shitty about it.

And some people were like, Well, just do it.

And I'm like, No, I don't want to be a liar
and I don't want to I don't want to face it

that I was, you know, replaced on the
record.

I'm just, you know, screw you and I'm out of
here.

It didn't even there was a lot of blackness
that went into it, which is, I think, why for

such a perfect hip hop record.

So it didn't do what it could have done for
many reasons.

It's like, well, we lost some of the soul.

We lost some of the that family, that that
essence, that thing that we had.

What set Patty off?

And to such a place of self-destruction.

Destruction was that nobody gave us context.

We were a band. We all loved Patti.

Like, what the fuck were you thinking?

When your artistry is being called into
question like that, like, you know, what

resort do you have? It's like really a tough
place to be, you know?

And, you know, you go someplace where, you
know, you've found comfort before, which in

Patty's case, I think was drugs.

Well, listen, I went to pick her up the
morning of the photo shoot together in my

car. Like, is she going to be ready?

Is she going to show up?

You know, kind of thing.

And there she was. And she didn't look good.

You know, and it's a photo shoot.

Some guy shows up.

I'm here to take.

You to rehab.

Okay. And we go and I came back after 30
days, and I was like, okay, I'm home.

Now let's get to work.

And they were doing a video and they already
had you know, they already had somebody else

taking my place, you know, And I think it
was supposed to be temporary.

I'm not sure really.

But, you know, I made sure it wasn't
temporary because I just took a trip to, like

crack Heroin Island and stayed out there for
a long time.

I saw the first video and was like, someone
called me, you know, and said, hey.

And I was like, Yeah. They're like, Did you
see.

Your you on.

The video? And I was like, I'm not.

In a video.

Am I?

Oh, yeah.

I was like.

No, it's.

Someone looks like.

You kind of like, well.

Oh, God, yeah.

All right. And then, you know, and then, you.

Know, it's like then Samantha plays drums
and.

Goes on to do that tour.

Just when you thought there were no rock
stars left, along comes Hole.

Courtney Love and the band are back after a
two long four and a half year wait with

Celebrity Skin, an album that finds them
embracing a refreshing pop sound.

Still, not all is bright as one band member
is missing.

I would be silly to ignore the fact that I'm
sitting here with three people today and not

four. Can you guys tell me what's going on
with Patti or the drummer situation in

general?

She's off dealing with some problems.

She's off dealing with some health problems.

Oh, look at the so-called health problems
that have befallen Hole.

Drummer Patty Schemel have been widely
reported to be drug related.

The band's management denies this, but
admits her future with the group is, quote,

undetermined.

There was a wave and there was somewhere
during this weird transition where the other

drummer was coming in and this weird stuff
happened.

She definitely started using again, of
course, lying and me screaming in the

bedroom, her bedroom, you know, the same
places where we do the dances on the carpet.

Me saying, you're on drugs.

Don't lie to me.

I don't even remember seeing her face.

I don't even know what it was.

It was just like over.

And I just didn't even look and I didn't
look at her.

I didn't look back. Just moved on out of
just pure.

Survival is a.

Rented a house in Eagle Rock way out.

And you know, and I'm just 24 hours a day on
cocaine and heroin and.

I'd worked out some kind of settlement with
the band.

Like, I want this amount of money and I'm
going to get, you know, goodbye.

And I at that.

Point had let go prepared and expecting that
I might never see her again.

She kind of disappeared.

There was really no way to to get a hold of
her or, you know, she kind of went.

A Well, I.

Didn't have a phone number for her and I
would call different people and even Larry

didn't know exactly where she was.

It was just me in a room, you know, and that
that I liked that.

That was just kind of like, sad.

We lost her.

Where'd she go?

Finally, I can, like, go get drugs when I
want and not have to answer to anybody.

And I don't have to get up tomorrow.

I don't have to show up to rehearsal.

I didn't know how far she would go or how,
but it was devastating and terrifying knowing

that she was so fragile and knowing that
this was happening to her.

And then getting arrested.

Like I think I had pajamas on, you know, and
like just getting arrested and going to jail

and that, you know, that there comes that
next step, which is, you know, you're

incarcerated.

I was not you know, I heard little rumors
about Patty.

And I think somebody had told me at some
point.

Paid a lawyer to take care of me, take care
of it.

But that money just ran out in like six
months.

And when that all went, then it was just
lost all of it.

Like I put it all into storage space and
then, um, you know, paid a certain amount of

time on it so that I was good.

And that's when everything went.

I went straight to the street.

It starts out really slowly, like you go
there and you're just, you know, just going

to cop. And then all of a sudden, well, I
think I'm going to kind of stick around a

little bit because it's just all the dope is
here.

Well, this looks like a good place to stay.

This corner in the middle of the field
somewhere, you know.

Part of it was like anger, like, screw you
guys.

You know, I'm like, What kind of thought
process is that?

Screw you guys.

I'm on the streets now.

Screw you.

I'm living on the streets pushing.

A shopping.

Cart.

You gotta fuck off.

Patty's, like, gone off the deep end.

Like, she's, like, doing crack and, like,
in, you know, homeless.

And I was so sad and so shocked.

And then thinking back, I was like, oh,
yeah, she was doing drugs back then, but it

seemed under control.

She calls me and she calls me collect.

And I said, What are you doing?

At this point, I hadn't done these kind of
drugs that she was doing and I have now.

And she goes, I'm just on the street being a
crackhead.

I'm like, Are you totally wearing a
windbreaker?

She goes, Yeah. I'm like, Are you totally
wearing one of those crackhead hats?

She goes, Yeah. I'm like, That's hysterical.

And she laughed her ass off.

I'm like, So are you totally about to ask me
to Western Union Use of money?

She goes, Yeah. I'm like, okay, fine.

I said, I will do this one more time.

I just because I don't know, maybe I could
foretell my own future or something.

But she she had an absolutely genius sense
of humor about being a crackhead on the

street. I sent I sent someone down to the
Western Union and I said, you know, you got

to you got to do the full rehab pretty soon
because I'll send you money.

But dude, you just got to do the full rehab.

There's, you know, like A34 block radius of,
you know, like Temple Alvarado area.

And then over in to that, that's kind of
those streets in there and just kind of like

finding ways to get a little bit of cash
here and there.

You know, stealing.

Uh. Just two different things.

It was strange because being a gay woman and
then just using that part of myself

to make money was easy, you know, to, like,
put myself into that place and, like, just

turn off. Myself and then just do this
thing, get money, get get high.

But, you know, I had to keep getting high to
deal with that whole disgustingness of it,

you know? But it was almost like I was
watching myself in a movie almost, you know,

it was like, Well, it's not really me.

You get to a point in your addiction where,
you know, there's lower companions, you know,

and and those those were the people, you
know, there was dope houses.

You just kind of exist there.

There was this church, but it had this old
crappy drum set in it.

And I remember the doors being opened, that
drum set being right there.

And then I caught a glimpse of that drum set
and I thought to myself, I play the drums.

And I totally was like, I, I forgot about
that, you know, because I was so into this

person. I was on the street and everything,
and I don't.

You know. But then, you know, you don't you
get those moments, those glimpses of those

thoughts and then you're like, okay, but
yeah, yeah, but but, but, but, but it's on to

the next fix. It's moving on.

Let's get through it. Let's go get it.

Did it, did it for searching, searching,
searching.

Because we're all going back to that moment.

I'm searching to that moment, that first
shot where all of a sudden wings sprout from

your back and you're like, you know, that's
where constantly, you know, looking for that,

trying to get back there, trying to get back
there, and there's no way you'll ever get

back there. But maybe next one.

Maybe, maybe the next one.

One day it was like, I can't do it anymore.

It just literally one day it was like, this
is I'm going to I'm going to run.

This is it. I'm out of here.

And I got you know, I called a collect call
home to my dad and said, I need some help.

And, you know, I ended up in rehab, number
11, You know, this time it was like, okay,

playing music is not going to fill you up
and make you feel complete and whole.

Maybe it could work If I was a plumber or
something else, maybe I should learn a trade.

You know, like all those years your.

Parents learn a trade.

Okay, maybe I'll try that.

So there was the beginning of the realization
that maybe it's a different chapter.

You know, maybe it's a whole different brand
new thing.

And then start over.

Rebuild.

All. And now this one.

I went into a sober living house with women
and a friend of mine when I was looking for

work said I knew a guy who works at a dog
daycare facility.

You want to try that?

And so I said okay.

And I needed to get a job.

That was part of the rules of being at the
house.

You know, working with dogs was just sort of
a lateral move.

I love dogs as much as I loved music, and
now I really like having like a really, you

know, nice quiet home life.

And the dogs are really appreciative.

They don't care if what band you played in
or how much money you have or you know, what

cool band you're friends with.

I chose drums because it was I didn't see a
lot of women playing drums.

And so I wanted to play drums because it was
kind of a guy thing to do and I felt like it

was aggressive.

So.

I've heard of Nirvana.

And then my when my dad told me about Hole,
I'm like, Oh, but I went to Amoeba for

concert and I saw their poster, one of
hole's posters on the wall.

Well, when I was a kid, I always wanted to,
you know.

Of course, you know, be a rock star.

You know, when you're a kid and you grow up
and you're thinking that, But I never thought

it would really happen, you know?

I mean, I never thought I'd be able to make
a living playing music.

And it was really grateful that I was able
to map, helped me get clean and sober, sent

me through rehab and then also through sober
living, changed my life.

Care bears on fire.

Name of the CD is Get Over It.

Patty really inspired me when I was younger
to really be a drummer because it was like,

anyone can do this, you know, anyone can
achieve in this place.

And I think we're close to being a
generation that doesn't like, discriminate,

but I think we still have a ways to go.

And I think with people like Patty who are
really setting an example, you know, I don't

want to be like everybody else.

We're getting to that place where it doesn't
matter if you're gay, straight, black, white.

I think we're getting to that place, but
we're not there yet.

I think I would grow up and be a
professional drummer like Patty.

Good drumming is always been effortless,
creative, and then also like just sort of a

sense of confidence in the player and a
sense of ease.

And those things were always tough for me
too.

Like I always had the same face when I was
playing and it was like stone face.

And ever since I was a kid playing live, my
my mother would always sit in the audience

and go finding out that I am a responsible
person.

And, you know, I can be a lot of things that
I'd always wanted to be.

And I kind of started to like me.

Yeah. So that time is really good too, to
exorcise those demons, you know, with, you

know, back to the beginning where it was
playing music with my brother, who was my

favorite guitar player, you know, and
songwriter.

So, you know, then it was just back to like,
who cares if it's good or bad or, you know,

it was back to like being 14 and playing
punk rock, you know, it was like, who cares

what, what, how great sounding it is or
whatever, or if it's technically good or it's

just playing music.

I don't know. That's scary territory to.

Think that you got it licked, you know what I
mean?

Because it doesn't work like that.

Yeah. There's a dog that needs a home.

Of course, I have plenty of room.

And if I can help a dog be in a safe place
until it finds a new home, I'll do it.

You got to be willing to live like there's no
tomorrow.

Sometimes, like, this is the last day on
earth.

Things happen for a fucking reason.

And you know they do.

Some people die.

Some people like we're on the boat together,
and some people drowned.

But then the boat kept going on.

And then. And.

And then, you know, there are survivors made
it to the island.

Whatever. How cheesy you want to say it, but
there are survivors, and Patty's a survivor.

And, like, that's amazing.

Patty's a vulnerable person who's gone
through incredible amounts of pain and

incredible amounts of loss.

I think that her ease with animals will just
make her feel a lot of love that she probably

needs, you know, and she needs to give she
probably has a lot of love to give that she

wasn't giving for years.

One thing left to do, Patty, you may kiss the
bride.

She's so happy.

She is so delightfully happy.

And I was so proud to be a mother at a at a
wedding.

Finally.

Is it recording now?

Twitch.

They love.

It was really hard for me and really sad
because where I grew up and and so but I knew

that somehow, like, music would take me
somewhere better.

And it did. It's sad.

Very sad. He used to say, I looked at boys
like they got the best deal and I got ripped

off. Why can't I do the same things boys
did?

Well, the drums are not my idea of an
instrument.

Suitable for a young lady.

Well, why not? Well, how many.

Famous women drummers do you know?

There are a handful of drummers that are
women that are the real deal.

Not a lot.

I mean, I really can't think of any other
than Patti.

Maureen Tucker.

Gina Schock.

Sheena from the.

Go-go's. Karen Carpenter.

Patti. Right.

Three.

Yeah. Is this the first record you've made?

Yes, it is the first.

It must be exhausting work playing those
drums.

Not really.

Goldie and the Gingerbreads.

She's like one of the first.

You got to put cans in front of Moe Tucker.

And she'd had a style and a way and a form
that she played, you know.

In the Mount Rushmore of my hometown.

Maureen Tucker was definitely up there.

That is long.

What we did 40 years ago was important and
not a lot of people have lived that life.

I feel extremely blessed.

I remember being so psyched when the Go-Go's
first record came out and seeing Gina Schock

play.

Gina was a fantastic drummer.

She's perfect for that sound.

Atsuko Shina Knight.

Sheila e.

I'm going that route.

I'm going the gay route.

Debbi Peterson from The Bangles is also a
really good drummer.

Kate Schellenbach.

Luscious Jackson.

I just got such a unique style.

It's such a unique energy.

Oh, my God. Patti's drumming.

Every band she's in, you can really sense her
presence.

Pat is my drummer.

You know, she'll always be my drummer.

No one else is ever going to be my drummer.

That girl is a fucking great drummer.

Talking to me. You must be talking to me.

Because no one else around here.

Talking to me.