Original subtitles

MAN: 'They say our little island's named after a love-sick princess,

'who flung herself from the Skerrydoo.

'This craggy outcrop has long played its part in the island's fortunes...

'and will again.'

(GENTLE HIGHLAND MUSIC)

MAN: Come on, now. Hurry up.

'Like my father before me and my grandfather before him,

'I took over as the island postmaster at the young age of 22.

'Now, I have two daughters, Peggy and Catriona,

'and I'm beginning to think they expect more from life than Todday's post office.'

- MAN: Good morning, Catriona! - Good morning, George.

God, is there no end to it?

GEORGE: Come on children, down to the edge.

'Being so remote, the fight with Hitler has hardly touched the island,

'but this week the war finally came to Todday.'

Yes, you cut a fine-looking man in uniform, Angus.

ANGUS: Aye, well, thank you for that.

(GENTLE LAUGHTER)

It's loose around the waist and trousers...

(QUIET CONVERSATION AND LAUGHTER)

LANDLORD: Gentlemen...

My quota is finished.

There is no more whisky.

(CLAP OF THUNDER)

The island is dry.

Aye, aye.

It's been a terrible war, right enough.

(DOG BARKING)

No more whisky! Ah!

I must be staggering from the memory of it.

(HE GROANS)

(DOG WHINING)

'Whisky, the water of life

'and to a true islander, life without it is not worth living.'

ON RADIO: 'Air raids on the capital continue unabated,

'as London pluckily endures the nightly hammering from Goering's bombers...'

- Here. - Oh.

'...docklands in Glasgow, Liverpool and Teesside remain on full alert.

- 'On a lighter note...' - Oh, no, girls, girls, girls.

A man has one day without a dram and such is the shock to his system he is felled.

But surely Winston Churchill will come to our rescue

and mention us on the wireless when he hears about our drought.

I can only think he has not so far

because his cabinet have advised him to avoid panic in the streets.

It is like a curse from God himself.

And every bit as terrifying as the toll of the bell calling all souls to repent

on the day of doom.

You'll not be leaving George, before you see himself planted?

I must get home to Mother.

(DOOR CLOSES)

- This day has brung a terrible shock. - Nothing but tea!

(SLURPS)

(WHINES)

(CHILDREN SHOUT AND CHATTER)

GEORGE: Whatever you do children, do it quietly.

GIRL: Is it true about the whisky, sir?

Bang, bang!

To think I should be hearing from other persons that my own son,

my very own son, has proposed marriage!

Why was I kept in the dark about your deviant thoughts?

What would have been the use in upsetting you?

So you knew it would upset me?

You knew it and yet you charged on all the same, thinking only of yourself.

You've always only ever thought of yourself.

I have. I have. I've been... I've been very selfish.

But mother if, if I do bring Catriona to tea, will you please be nice to her?

The day you bring Catriona Macroon into this house, I'll walk out!

(UPBEAT MUSIC ON RADIO)

Lipstick and cigarettes, it leads to the parting of us.

It's not in a widowed man to bring up girls.

Aye, well, daughters are a handful, right enough.

Aye. Smoke away girls, smoke away.

Hey? To hell with poverty!

Fling another pea in the soup, I'll manage fine.

Here, in the wide Atlantic ocean,

sit the lovely Scottish islands of the Outer Hebrides.

A hundred miles to the east lies the mainland,

and to the west of us, there is nothing except America.

WOMAN: You wonder what a beauty of a man like that sees in the likes of her

that he would throw away the chance to be king.

And her with a face like a draw-string purse too.

- What do they have in common? - They have a friend, Mr Hitler, in common.

Some funny friends some people have.

Catriona's, er...

(GEORGE SIGHS)

Catriona, it's, erm, about tea and Mother. She won't, erm...

If I'm not good enough to come to tea at your house

then I'm not good enough to marry you.

Well you see, Catriona, it came as a bit of a shock to her.

Mother would think the same about any girl.

Any girl? Well if I'm just "any girl" to you,

you will be just "any man" to me.

And anyway, how are we to have a wedding when there is no whisky?

(SHIP'S HORN BLARES)

CATRIONA: Your sergeant will wonder where you are, Peggy.

- I suppose it is normal to feel afraid. - Afraid?

I'm not.

Good luck, sister.

(HORN BLARES)

Nice to have you visit us again.

So it'll be the two years you've been away now?

Africa, Alamein. Captain, there were times when it was bad.

It was only the thought of this little island

and my Peggy that kept the spirit up.

And I believe you are to whip the Home Guard ship-shape.

You can start with the man in charge.

Your Captain Waggett thinks he is Montgomery.

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

CAPTAIN: Their quota's been cancelled.

Tell them there is no more whisky.

No.

Captain Waggett!

Captain McKechnie, as you well know, it is my duty to make sure this island

is at a full state of defence and readiness at all times.

How can I defend this island when my cartridges do not fit my rifles?

Aye, that would be awkward for you, right enough.

WAGGETT: It's this kind of slapdashery that ended up with the fall of France.

I now hear from Ordinance I cannot get my.303 ammunition

until you take back this case of.300!

Ah, Captain, sorry I am,

- but that I cannot do. - Why the hell not, man?

Had I known that ammunition was actual explosives,

I would never have brought the boxes of 300s in the first place.

- Can I be of any help, sir? - Sergeant Odd, welcome back.

Er, no, thank you. I have got this completely under control.

How would it do for you, Captain Waggett, if I took back your 303 rifles

and you kept the 300 ammunition?

Then you could ask Ordinance to send you the 300 rifles,

- so that you could use them together. - Not at all, man.

I'd rather have rifles and no ammunition than ammunition and no rifles.

God!

Can this man be as stupid as he appears to be? He drives a large boat after all.

I think it's just a bit of banter, sir, in an islander sort of way. A bit of fun.

Really? I wonder what it is he finds so amusing. Hey, you!

Street mutt, no, no. Get out of there.

Beg pardon, sir. If I may make a suggestion.

We could leave the ammunition at Macroon's post office

and then use the telephone to take it up with headquarters directly.

- Mr Macroon? - Aye, Mr Waggett.

Yes, very good. 24-hour guard, mind.

- Of course, sir. - Around the clock.

- Yes, sir. - Arrange it.

ODD: It's not you. It's the whisky drought.

ODD: People used to be so friendly.

(PEGGY LAUGHS)

There has spread throughout this island

a contagion of lassitude, half-heartedness,

and in some extreme cases, I would go as far as to say unwarranted snarling.

With some men wandering the hills

hallucinating from dehydration and shouting at the sky.

Aye, Donald, a drought is a tragedy to behold.

It's hardly an outbreak of dengue fever, Peggy.

(CHUCKLES) You're right, Odd.

It's worse.

Identify yourself. Which one are you, friend or foe?

Father, I've just been out walking with Sergeant Odd

and thinking, if he and I were to...

Well, we would only be separated by a wee bit of geography

- Oh, shush now, Peggy. - He's a bit shy of you.

For as you well know, Father, cats jump up trees when they see you coming.

(HE SIGHS)

Minister, I was just coming to see you.

Ah!

Return of the conquering hero! Glad to have you back amongst us.

I've come for your blessing and to ask your advice about how to approach Macroon.

Well...

Joseph can be slippery, right enough.

Here.

- Nice enough wine. - Aye. It's the altar wine

from Father O'Neil's chapel up the street.

- If you don't mind, Minister, I won't. - No, no. You're quite right.

Be a terrible thing to go through the North Africa campaign unscathed

then be felled by an Italian grape.

But me, I'm fearless.

Now, you see, Macroon's just sore because of an imagined martyred loneliness.

I'll have a word with him and if you'd like to leave a wee deposit

for the wedding service, cash will be fine.

Thank you.

Mrs Campbell?

Your George will soon enough be my George,

and I will not be sharing him.

You will no longer control George or interfere in anything he does,

or use your sanctimonious Bible-beating as blackmail to his mild nature.

No more.

WAGGETT: Right, now, men.

As you know, Hitler is at this very moment with his Nazi hordes

just over there in Norway.

Imagine if Hitler decides to invade England

by way of our little island of Todday.

Ergo, we must be able to set up a roadblock at a moment's notice.

- Carry on, Sergeant. - All right, men, let's get to it.

Fall out!

One point did strike me, sir.

As this is only a little island and this the only road around it,

in theory, all Hitler would need to do would be to turn around at this barricade

and approach from the other side.

Yes, I was wondering when you were going to notice that.

And I wondered when you were going to notice that, Corporal.

But I reasonably thought it was just an exercise, sir.

Well, it's easy enough to put it right, sir. You just want another one.

Over there, sir. The, er, other side of the island.

Correct answer.

- Arrange it, Corporal. - Yes, sir.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

What is this insanity?

It is a roadblock, is what it is, Doctor.

- Well, damn well unblock it! - No, that I cannot do.

You could be the panzer division invading England by way of Scotland.

Ah, I see, I see.

Waggett! Waggett!

Does this Alvis look like a tank to you, Waggett?

Have you indeed ever seen a tank, Waggett?

There is a war on, sir.

This is a Home Guard exercise and every vehicle must be stopped and searched.

Well, I will be most obliged if you'd kindly make an exception in my case.

I've one more call to make before I get home to my bed.

I've been up all night delivering Mrs McKenzie of twins...

without so much as a dram to fortify me.

So, clear this bloody junk out of my bloody way and let me through!

- Twins? - Aye.

- And how would you know? - Two girls, no boy, it's a calamity.

It's a miracle, what with himself away at sea this past 12 months.

WAGGETT: Very well. Open the road!

Let this person through.

ODD: Right men, once again. Move her.

Dr McLaren, henceforth I shall mark you down as a conscientious objector.

Sergeant Odd, conscientious objector.

God deliver us from the pompous, for they know well what they do.

Ezekiel 23. Toodle-oo.

CHILDREN: Pick me, sir! Pick me! Pick me, sir!

MACROON: 'It's now the second week of the whisky drought,

'and though the islanders put a brave face on it,

'moral is very, very low.'

Slope arms!

'The Home Guard are starting to weaken.

'If Hitler strikes now, it won't be a fair fight.'

- I've brought you some tobacco. - Ah, thank you, Doctor

(SIGHS) The world has never been in such a terrible mess since Noah's flood.

DOCTOR: We can't have you giving up smoking as well as the whisky.

OLD RODDY: I would like fine to have just one more really good dram,

just one more mindless session with it before I join the wife.

Oh, wisht! You've years of dangerous life left in you yet.

I wouldn't chance giving you a kick if you were a fortnight dead,

in case you weren't.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(SHIP'S FOGHORN BLOWS)

- Do you hear that, Doctor? - Aye, a ship out on the Minch.

If she keeps away from the Skerrydoo, she'll be fine.

(FOG HORN)

(BAGPIPES)

For what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful.

Amen.

Ah, you would think, girls, nothing worse than this drought could happen.

Now, God sends this dense thick fog to surround and blind our island.

(FOGHORN)

(BELL)

- Isn't that the bell for the Skerrydoo? - It shouldn't be.

Miles away if it is.

No ship of mine will go near the Skerrydoo.

Man the lifeboats. Every man for himself. Abandon ship.

Aye.

Aye.

Thank you.

- She's done for. - What about the crew?

I've a mind to go out to her. The fog isn't so thick now.

- I'll come with you. - You could meet your deaths out there.

Ach, Biffer knows every sigh of that dark sea around the Skerrydoo.

Aye, he's related to every rock and his granny.

- Ahoy there! - BIFFER: Ahoy!

This is Captain Buncher, the SS Cabinet Minister.

Thankfully, sir, I've saved my crew, but the ship, she's a total wreck.

What is your cargo?

BUNCHER: Odds and ends of furniture for the Bahamas and whisky for New York.

50,000 cases.

50,000 cases!

50,000!

12 bottles in every case!

My, my! Glory be to God in the highest, for He has not forsaken us.

Back to the village with our news, Sammy.

After us, Captain!

BIFFER: We'll have her cargo before the night's through.

(UPBEAT JIG)

MACROON: 'But first, we had to get the ship's crew out of the way,

'tucked up in bed in Ma McPhee's boarding house.

50,000 cases...

(EXCITED CHATTER)

- Come on. - Where are we going?

(CHURCH CLOCK STRIKES)

This is the Sabbath!

(SIGHS) It is the Sabbath.

(SIGHS)

Let's go home.

- The Sabbath? - The Sabbath.

The Sunday. Nothing can happen on a Sunday.

No work, no play for the children,

swings are locked up and skipping ropes are evil incarnate.

And to whistle a tune in the street is to have it whispered behind curtains

that you have "continental ways" about you.

Just church and prayer and prayer and church. Nothing else.

# O feuch, cia mheud am math a-nis, cia mheud an tlachd faraon... #

- SKIPPER: See you back here, then. - Thanks.

Don't turn the engine on! Wheel it all the way.

- What, I'd waken the village? - It's the Sabbath.

Right.

Sabbath. Aye.

MINISTER: And the Lord sent them what they craved, and they drank their fill,

and they were filled with a promise of things God knew to be iniquitous.

But before their thirst was sated,

and with Satan's drink still in their mouth, the wrath of God came upon them

and he slew the strongest and laid low their thirst.

SAMMY: Aye, that was an awful long service the Minister gave us.

And when he was shouting out the commandments,

did you notice how his voice quietened at "thou shalt not steal"?

But "thou shall not commit adultery", that one was meant for you alone, Sammy.

SAMMY: Cheer up Macroon. She'll still be there come Monday.

(MACROON SIGHS)

Good morning, gentlemen, ladies. It's a grand day, eh?

Could you tell me, is there a public phone on the island?

From where you stand now, turn left or right,

and you'll surely come to it.

Ah! Ha!

Much obliged.

Where did that come from?

It has the bearing of a Captain Waggett about it.

A real one.

(SEA POUNDS, GULLS CRY)

WAGGETT: Yes.

Yes. Right.

Understood, sir.

- Who were you talking to, dear? - Headquarters darling.

- Extraordinary. Quite extraordinary. - What is?

Well, it seems the crew have deserted their ship and returned to the mainland.

She has a very valuable cargo.

Several thousand crates of whisky... and you cannot trust these islanders.

It's Sunday, dear. No one on Todday would break the Sabbath.

I will muster my men.

Didn't you hear me, dear? It's the Sabbath.

You have no men to muster.

And anyway, would it be so terrible if these nice people did get a few bottles?

The whisky will only end up in Davey Jones's locker.

Dolly, if it ends up in Davey Jones's locker, that is an act of God,

but if it ends up in Joseph Macroon's locker, that is an act of thievery.

No, once you let people take the law into their own hands, it is anarchy.

Anarchy? On a Sunday? On Todday?

Surely not, I mean... Do you hear that, dear?

Silence.

The birds on Todday are not allowed to tweet on the Sabbath.

Post office.

Captain Waggett here, Peggy. Put me through to George Campbell, please.

Right, ho.

(PHONE RINGING)

- Hello? - 'Who is this?'

Yes, Mrs Campbell. Yes, this is Captain Waggett here.

'At the lighthouse. I'm afraid we have an emergency on.

'It's imperative that I speak to your son, Corporal Campbell,'

immediately, be so good as to fetch him.

I certainly not fetch my George, nor will you speak to my George.

Alexander Graham Bell,

'a God-fearing Christian and devout man that he was,'

even if he did go to Canada, did not invent the telephone

'for it to be given to man to mock the Sabbath!'

Mother, how could you? That must've been something important.

I do not approve of the use of that instrument on this day.

Mother, we must move with the times.

Oh, you're becoming very glib, George Campbell.

What times will we be moving with, in eternity?

You're being ridiculous, Mother.

Don't you dare "ridiculous" me, George Campbell!

You get to your room this instant!

There'll be no more church for you this day!

(DOG BARKING)

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

Mr Waggett!

George is in his room with his Bible and bread and cheese

and he will not be allowed out till Sabbath end.

"Not be allowed out"? I've never heard anything so preposterous.

We have just been preached to on the commandments.

Are you not familiar with the fourth, Mr Waggett?

Yes, of course I am. It's the adultery one?

"Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy!"

Ah, well, Mrs Campbell, was it not you

who answered the telephone this morning, on the Sabbath?

How dare you insult me,

you who would lead my son away from the true path?

Mrs Campbell, our forces are at this very moment fighting Hitler in north Africa.

The Nazis keep fighting on a Sunday,

so how can we be expected not to fight on a Sunday?

The lsle of Todday is not in north Africa!

There are cannibals in Africa,

but no one is going to persuade my son to eat human flesh.

Good God, woman, nobody's asking your son to eat human flesh.

I insist upon talking to Corporal Campbell right now!

Just...

They don't seem to realise what I'm up against here.

No, dear.

I mean, what would my colonel think

if he knew that the corporal in my Home Guard refuses to take an order

because he's been locked in his bedroom by his mother?

My mother used to say, when I was a little girl,

"Dolly, never trust a native."

Yes, but that was in Ranchipur during the Raj

and she was talking about the kitchen staff.

Yes, dear, I believe you're right. The cook was always pilfering.

MAN: Well, hello again.

MACROON: Aye.

- How are things in the tweed business? - You can tell I'm a tweed salesman?

By the cut of your cloth.

No, no.

Ma McPhee, your landlady. It is a small island, Mr Brown.

I hear you use the post office to store live ammunition. Is that safe?

Ah, well, I'm keeping watch... Lieutenant Macroon of the Home Guard.

And yourself... fit, young tweed salesman that you are?

- Exempt. - There's a thing, eh?

I was hoping you could sell me a packet of Players.

- What time will the post office be open? - On the Sabbath day?

If I was so much as to open that shop door and lean across the counter

and lay hands to a packet of cigarettes,

it is my belief that God himself would strike me down dead on the instant

with a fierce heart attack.

Tweed, my arse!

(MOTORBIKE STARTS)

MACROON: '50,000 cases of whisky.'

(CLOCK STRIKES)

(SHOP BELL RINGS)

Ah, Mr Macroon.

It's about Peggy.

And myself. Um... We want to get married.

And I was hoping, Mr Macroon, that you'll say yes and give us your blessing.

It's getting late, Sergeant.

Marriage is an exhausting subject,

especially on this particular night of endurance.

The Sabbath will soon be over.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Ah.

Sergeant, the very person I was hoping to see.

- Evening, sir. - Good evening, Mr Macroon.

Ah, come in, come in. You're welcome.

I wish I could offer you a dram, but I have nothing but lemonade.

Ah, no, thank you.

Er, Sergeant, er, we've got a bit of an emergency.

Um... Just want to put you in the picture. A few words.

You won't be taking lemonade yourself, Sergeant?

- No, thank you. - That's an encouraging sign.

It...

(FOOTSTEPS WALK AWAY)

(QUIETLY) It's about this wreck.

The cargo might be tampered with.

I shouldn't be at all surprised, sir.

I think it's my duty to stop the looting.

Beg pardon, sir, I don't believe the Home Guard could stop it.

Nor the Brigade of Guards, for that matter.

You're saying I can't trust my men? Yes, quite, quite.

- Well, then, it's up to you and me. - You and me, sir?

I was hoping that Corporal Campbell would be able to help us, but he's... indisposed.

I plan to mount a guard. You will take first watch, in case they strike tonight.

I will relieve you at first light. Those are my orders.

Very good, sir.

Er... Good night, Mr Macroon.

Good night, Mr Waggett.

Good night.

(SHOP BELL JANGLES)

(DOOR SHUTS)

Did you ever hear, Sergeant, of a reiteach?

Yes, an old custom.

Minister Macalister told me about it... a pre-wedding party.

When a man wants to marry a girl, he must ask her father for a reiteach.

It's a great night out, believe you me. It's a wonderful night. Everybody comes.

- You mean Peggy and I ought to have one? - Oh, aye. Oh, aye.

And you must have a couple of cases of whisky of the father's choice.

You see, you can't have a wedding without a reiteach.

And you can't have a reiteach without the whisky.

And, well, without the whisky, you can't have a wedding.

You know, some might say this is blackmail.

Ah, some might.

(BIFFER WHISPERING) Angus, you will take him round the feet.

You, Sammy, you will take him round the neck.

And I will pin his arms.

Hm.

Boo!

(THUD, GROAN)

Sergeant.

Sergeant, you gave us a surprise. We were meant to sneak up behind you.

- We were meant to surprise you! - We weren't going to hurt you.

We were just going to put you out of the way.

ANGUS: But you heard us sneaking up

and we were doing the panther crawl, just the way you taught us.

Not like that, I didn't! On your toes, move on your toes, light and quiet.

- The panther crawl, come on try it again. - Och, no, Sergeant.

We really didn't want to do it in the first place.

You are too rough, Sergeant.

Well, if you do it properly I can't hurt you, can I?

Come on, try it again. Take a firm grip.

Tighter. Tighter!

There, you've got me now... helpless.

ODD: A couple of cases of Macroon's choice, whatever it is.

(CLATTER)

(CLATTER)

- We're going out... - Ssh!

(WHISPERS) We're going out to the wreck. It's nearly midnight.

My goodness, George!

(GROANS)

SAMMY: Why didn't you just come down by the stairs?

Mother keeps the key to my room in her nightdress.

BIFFER: Ah! At last.

- SAMMY: I fetched him. - I was wondering where you were.

- BROWN: 'Very well, Mrs Waggett.' - Dolly.

But as soon as your husband returns,

would you please advise him that the Ministry of Defence's priority

is to locate and secure a small red leather case from the cargo,

'before she goes down?'

A case of what? Whisky?

'It's vital that this doesn't fall into the wrong hands.'

And of course, I don't need to remind you, Dolly, this is top secret.

'It's a matter of national security.'

DOLLY: 'A red case.'

Righty ho, hush, hush, very good.

- All right. Goodbye, Mr Brown. - 'Thank you.'

- Bye. - 'Goodbye.'

A red case?

Get your wellies on, Peggy.

(REPLACES HANDSET)

Dear God, how in your name is my George going to find the courage

to stand up to this mother of his, without the help of a wee whisky?

Is a miracle too much to ask?

Just one or two... cases.

(CHURCH CLOCK CHIMES)

Sabbath's end.

# Tha solas grinn nan speuran siar gu beul na h-oidhch' a' trial

# Tha fonn an eòin a' falbh bhuaith' gu sèimh aig oir a' chuain

# An cois na grèin' a' laighe sìos thig an iarmailt mhòr

# Le solas gach creutair deàlrach 's sgòthan teann nan còir #

(# PIPES PLAY LILTING MELODY)

MACROON: Quickly and carefully now, boys.

(CHUCKLING)

A dream! A dream!

(SAMMY CHUCKLES)

Glensoy, Ornosay, Cairaig...

Oh, and heavens. Oh, Sammy... the Highland Blue.

I've never seen it for sale here. It's just for the Yanks.

It is so good, it's why America brought in prohibition.

SAMMY: It's an emotional night, right enough, Joseph.

So how come you have a face on you that would turn a funeral up a side street?

Och, I'm just thinking,

a few of these cases will supply and make us a memorable reiteach.

And the reiteach, in turn, will seal a lonely and bereft future for an old man.

Not again?

What's this?

(PLAYS UP-BEAT TUNE ON PIANO)

A father I am, a father.

Joseph, you're a father yourself. Have you any advice?

Keep well away from Mr Mackenzie when he comes back from the war.

I don't frighten that easy.

(PIANO CONTINUES PLAYING)

(CREAK, CRASH)

- Agh! - (SHIP GROANS)

Come on now, everybody. Come on, Seamus.

Come on. Women and children first.

Will you ever get yourself out of there, Father? She's about to sink.

Quick, Macroon!

Macroon, come on!

Macroon!

- Come on! - Quick, Joseph!

- Come on! Hurry now! - MACROON: This one's mine.

Quick as you like!

- Come on, Biffer. - Let's move it! Move it!

No time for that, boys. Come on!

(FIDDLE PLAYS A LIVELY JIG)

(ALARM RINGING)

(ALARM OFF)

(BOTTLES CLANKING)

(SHIP GROANS)

MINISTER: Let us offer a prayer of thanks to the Lord for his wonderful gift.

(PIPES PLAY SOMBRE MELODY)

(FIDDLE PLAYS UP-BEAT JIG)

Let each man here take back only what he needs.

(LAUGHTER)

Excuse me, Mr Macroon.

(HUSHED VOICES, LAUGHTER)

Highland Blue!

Ah!

- Sergeant, what's happened here? - (MUFFLED)

- I've been tied up like this for hours, sir. - Monstrous, who did this?

I haven't got a clue. Came up behind me. Next thing I knew I was...

- Well, here I am. Didn't see a thing. - How many fingers am I holding up?

- Three. No, four, I think, sir. - Worse than I thought!

And you can bet that parcel of town brigands,

they've been at the cargo before it went down.

That's why they attacked you and tied you up, so you couldn't raise the alarm.

Come on.

(MUSIC AND LAUGHTER)

Scoundrels!

(WHOOPING)

More! More!

(PHONE RINGING)

- Hello? - Colonel Lindsey Woolsey?

Yes, here.

This is Captain Waggett, sir, officer commanding Todday Home Guard.

'Now, I have a very serious report to make to you, sir...'

For God's sake, man, it's six in the bloody morning!

Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.

'The steamship Cabinet Minister was wrecked and has sunk.'

Well, find some admiral to torment.

'Yes, sir, but you see, sir,'

- she's gone down loaded with whisky. - Whisky, do you say?

'I have reason to believe some of this whisky was pilfered before she perished.'

Oh, well done, Waggett. Good show!

Um... When can I expect my share?

No, sir. My sergeant, Odd, he was on guard at the time

and he was brutally assaulted.

- Is he there with you? Put him on. - Yes, sir.

- Sergeant Odd here, sir. - You sound fine, Sergeant.

What's this nincompoop Waggett been up to?

'You keep your eye on him, do you hear? He'll lose the bloody war for us.'

- Yes, sir. - Treat that civilian with contempt.

- 'Yes, sir.' - That's an order!

- Thank you, sir. - Idiot!

What did he say about you being assaulted?

He said it showed how well I'd trained the men.

That will be one shilling and thruppence.

That will be free, gratis and for nothing.

It is a habit, sorry... a habit I hope will come back to me.

Don't worry yourself now, Bain.

The time will surely come when you'll be robbing us again.

(LIVELY REEL PLAYING)

(DISTANT MUSIC AND LAUGHTER)

MACROON: 'Once I started to read, I couldn't stop.

'No wonder Mr Brown is so keen to get all this back.

'Not for a moment did I expect to be reading the love letters

'from our former king... a love so committed, so strong,

'it would appear that that man was held helpless in its power.'

(DISTANT MUSIC AND CONVERSATION)

- Joseph. - Roddy!

- I thought you were at death's door. - Och, no!

The dram fairly revives you, brings the marrow back to old bones.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

My girls, my only family,

they'll be wanting to go far away from this island.

We'll only be remembered by the songs and the dances,

while they dance to a different tune.

Och, Joseph, leave your girls be.

I will go back to my bed.

Aye.

BIFFER: I'll be seeing you all later.

(MUSIC STILL PLAYING)

I am just drunk enough to ask you, Macroon,

is there a smile in you, somewhere?

MACROON: Ah, well, deep down there might be one lurking.

Go on, now. Stagger home safely, boys.

(BIFFER, LAUGHING) He's something!

SAMMY: Maybe I'll marry Peggy Macroon myself.

The bed gets awful cold in the winter.

(HORN HONKING)

RODDY: What the? Are you mad, man?

BIFFER: Ah, it's himself again.

Hey.

- Mr Brown. - Macroon.

I couldn't sleep earlier. Got up.

I went down to the crag that overlooks the Skerrydoo and the wreck and...

I could have sworn, Macroon, I saw a flotilla of little boats.

Ah, well, that's a common enough occurrence among mainland people.

Staring at the sea can induce apparitions.

Well,

you and your apparitions will have heard I'm looking for a little red leather case.

- It's in the hold of that ship. - How would I have heard of such a thing?

Well, didn't you, yourself, tell me it was a small island?

Keep it in mind, Macroon. It belongs to the people I represent.

The Tweed Association?

I'll take that as a no. Enjoy your tea party, Macroon.

While you can.

MACROON: 'It got me thinking Mr Brown and that little red case

'had come my way for a reason.

'I just have to figure out how that reason could maybe work to our advantage.'

I tell you, Constable, there is whisky hidden in this town.

So you say, sir, but I haven't so far come across a single bottle.

(GENTLE SNORING)

Whisky goes into the barrel rough and colourless.

And then, someone somewhere's lifetime later,

comes out as the beautiful, amber, golden liquid that it is.

And that is the magic of God's guidance.

It's not man's.

Now, I'd like it fine if you allowed the bands to be read for a solstice wedding.

But two daughters at the one go?

I mean, who is going to be there to work the telephone?

- Were you not young yourself once? - Aye, well, if I was, I grew out of it.

Some people say there's no such thing as love at first sight, but I know there is.

I'm the lucky chap who's experienced it.

Twice.

(SWING MUSIC PLAYING)

(SISTERS GIGGLING)

(FIDDLE PLAYS A ROMANTIC MELODY)

MINISTER: Let me present our guest from down south, Sergeant Odd,

a man who single-handedly trained and honed our Home Guard

into the fierce fighting machine they now are.

(CHUCKLING)

Some people say there's no such thing as love at first sight, but I know there is.

I am the lucky chap who experienced it.

Twice.

The first time,

when I saw the island emerge through the mist from the deck of the steamer,

and the second, when I first set eyes on my Peggy.

DOCTOR: George, our school master, is known throughout the island

for his fierce, independent mind,

and for his inability not to be intimidated by anyone... especially women.

(LAUGHTER)

I have only ever stood and spoke in a classroom with children.

And so...

And so...

And so that will do for me. (LAUGHTER)

(CLOCK TICKING)

(SOLEMN CHURCH ORGAN)

I will now speak in praise of my own daughters.

Highland beauties they are, right enough, and fine daughters they have been to me...

...a crabbit old man.

(LAUGHTER)

It was only this last night...

...that I laid two crying peats on the fire.

And as I gazed at them, they started to glow.

And as the flames grew, they engulfed me,

and I was carried away on the spirit of the smoke to the land of my youth.

And the love of my life, your mother.

You young couples will wing your way to your own nesting ground.

And hopefully, from time to time...

...you will look back to this island.

Hm?

This island of your birth and ever-changing youth.

Did I really say all that?

- (LAUGHTER) - Ah, well...

- Sláinte. - ALL: Sláinte.

I will marry the happy couples on the solstice.

(APPLAUSE)

(LIVELY REEL)

(DANCERS WHOOP)

GEORGE: I may have had too much to drink.

Well, I wouldn't know, because I've never had too much to drink.

Well, speaking as one with considerable experience in matters of drink,

I must warn you to beware of the reaction.

Men like yourself are born a couple of drams under,

so, out of my wee bottle here,

one more large one

to bring you into the ring against your mother in the peak of condition.

You'll not be a drinker, if it is myself you're going to marry, George.

(LAUGHTER)

(DISTANT MUSIC)

(FAINT MUSIC)

Dolly?

Dolly, I hear music.

I'm sure, Cyril, they don't do it just to annoy you.

Dolly, this is drunk music.

Sorry, dear.

I don't have your ear.

(PHONE RINGING)

- Post office. - Hello?

- Peggy? - Oh, it's you, Captain Waggett.

'Now, Peggy, there is a box'

of.300 ammunition in the post office.

Yes, now, can you make sure it's on the boat for Obaig tomorrow?

- I'll see to it, Captain. - All right, Peggy.

Er... Good night.

This is for tomorrow's boat.

In the morning, Peggy,

put a call through to Ma McPhee's lodging house, for Mr Brown.

Just give a message saying that Mr Macroon will see him at his convenience.

And, Ma McPhee, I hope your varicose veins are in no way debilitating.

It's nothing, it's nothing at all.

It's just something I came across yesterday

that might be of interest to Mr Brown.

It may also be helpful to Captain Waggett, in a roundabout way.

(SINGING AND LAUGHTER INSIDE)

(SPLASH)

Agh! Ahh!

(CLATTER)

Good luck.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

(MRS CAMPBELL SNIFFING)

Satan himself is in you.

You come here debauched and shameless. What have you to say for yourself?

I have a great deal to say for myself, Mother.

(DOOR SHUTS)

George Campbell!

Drunk, drunk, drunk?

Three tellings have convinced me that I quite possibly am.

And if I am, it is nobody's business but my own.

Will you go make yourself a cup of tea, Mother?

I've a few things I will talk over with you.

I certainly will not make tea on your orders, George Campbell.

Do you know what the time is?

I don't, but I do know I've never been allowed up this late

and I am possibly the only man on this island

who wears his pyjamas under his trousers, in case his mother orders him to bed.

It is quarter of two!

Well, I was at the reiteach of Sergeant Odd and Peggy Macroon tonight.

Oh, and I suppose Catriona Macroon was there with you.

And it was our reiteach too, yes.

Catriona and I will be married on the solstice.

And if you want to stay on this island, I think, you'd better accept the fact.

If I want to stay on this island?

I think you'd be wise to make yourself as agreeable as you can

- or you can emigrate to Glasgow. - Have you gone mad?

Not at all. I've gone sane.

I think we should resume this conversation tomorrow, when you're sober.

Oh, we'll be resuming it, all right!

Because I am giving you this night to think over what I am about to tell you.

Mother, I am trying to persuade Catriona that, when we get married,

she comes here to live with us at the school house.

Now, you can keep your own place at the house,

but you will make no attempt to take hers.

But if you'd rather not put your pride in your pocket,

I think you'd better telegraph to Aunt Anne

that you will be crossing to Obaig on Saturday's boat

and you will arrive in Glasgow that very night.

You smell of drink,

and you dare stand here in front of me in bare-faced defiance?

CATRIONA: 'Dear God, give George the strength to get through this night alone.'

In your benevolence, oh Lord, send me a sign.

(BAGPIPES STARTING UP)

(BAG PIPES WHIRL)

(BAGPIPES SPLUTTER AND STOP)

GEORGE: # My bottle and I sit and gaze at the fire

# I sniff the aroma of my desire

# I look at the glass with the dancing flame

# knowing that soon I will feel the same... #

(BAND PLAYING A LIVELY JIG)

(MILITARY DRUMROLL)

(DRUMS STOP)

(DRUMROLL)

(DRUMROLL)

(MILITARY MARCH)

(MUSIC AND VOICES INSIDE)

He's on his way. Mr Waggett's coming. He's on his way.

(MUSIC STOPS)

(PANICKED VOICES, GLASS CLINKING)

Why are you not in the army, Constable?

- Flat feet, sir. - Really?

- House-to-house search, Constable. - Yes, sir.

Mr Bain, I have caught you in flagrante.

You could go to prison for five years for selling this.

Are you stupid, man? This is my legal quota.

Four bottles... the first I've had in two months.

The Island Queen brought it in this morning.

I must apologise.

- I'm most terribly sorry. - Four bottles.

When there's maybe 200 cases on the island.

Oh, my gosh.

WAGGETT: 'Well, yes, it is me again, but no, it's not about the whisky.'

Yes, sir, I know I haven't sent you any yet.

But, sir, if I may,

this is about the.300 ammunition that I am returning to Ordinance.

'I suggest I catch the boat to Obaig tomorrow,

'then I can be with you the following morning'

and I can, personally, put you in the picture.

Yes, sir.

Yes.

- (BALL DROPS) - Thank you, sir. Good day.

- Who was that? - Mr Waggett.

He's off to Obaig, to see the colonel about the mixed-up ammunition.

I do believe, Father, the knitting of his mind has become fankled.

My, my, Cyril, cutting the colonel off like that, how brave!

You going all the way to Obaig, just for a short talk with him?

I'm not going anywhere near Obaig, Dolly.

I'm going to see the Customs and Excise people at Nobast.

- Then why did you... - More to me than meets the eye.

Yes, dear. Yes, I've often heard you say so.

(POTS BALL)

You're getting rather good at this, darling.

Sláinte.

- Thanks for this. - MACROON: The Duke of Windsor.

The Duke of Windsor?

Oh, and such fine handwriting he has too, eh?

Education is a wonderful thing, to be able to write curlicues the way he can.

Macroon, you didn't? Please tell me you didn't.

I only read a little bitty of the correspondence

between himself and his American divorcee.

With the odd reference to his Nazi friends thrown in.

Don't you fret, Mr Brown.

Like every other postmaster in the land, I have signed the Official Secrets Act,

and I shall stand by it.

Good man. Doing your bit for king and country.

MACROON: 'Mr Brown, didn't get his red case back without a wee favour.

'When he returns to the mainland,

'I need him to give Captain Waggett a glowing report.

'If they replace him with someone more efficient...

'Well, that would never do.'

BROWN: Sorry, old fellow. It's a military imperative.

Good man.

- Get out of there! - In a minute! Hello, operator.

Hello. Is that Peggy?

Just a minute, just a minute! Peggy, it's Mr Brown.

That was Mr Brown, to tell us the Customs cutter is approaching the bay.

The man is having his twisted joke with us.

Thank you, good man.

Aye.

Aye.

Right, oh.

That was Roddy.

Mr Brown was not having a joke. The cutter is on its way.

It's Farquharson and his excise men. Hide the whisky.

- Farquharson, this is madness. - Waggett, the Customs and Excise,

namely myself, are now in charge of this operation, not you.

From now on, you are simply the informer.

We're not looking for the needle, we're looking for the haystack,

and that haystack shelters in the cave at Seal Bay.

I suggest we get back in your boat and make a course for Seal Bay.

- 'Right now!' - 'I can't arrest a cave.

'I want to catch these thieving islanders, with the goods.'

'Yes, and I have seen the goods and they're in the cave, I told you so.'

I repeat, you are the informer.

'You have informed. Don't let me tell you that again.'

'Trust me, Farquharson, I know these people.'

(CLOCK CHIMES)

'Constable McPhee has searched the village from top to toe.'

'After I have made my arrest we can drive to this cave of yours.'

- My men are experts. - So are the men of Todday.

CONSTABLE: You won't find any whisky, sir. I can vouch for that.

(HAMMERING ON DOOR)

Miss Macroon! I'm sorry, but I must speak with your father.

My father is in bed, where all decent people should be.

Oh, it's yourself, Captain Waggett.

I thought you went to Obaig on the Island Queen.

Yes, indeed, but I changed my travel plans.

Please, Miss Macroon, wake your father.

Are you positive there's been no warning?

- How could there be? - Macroon can get where gas can't.

Mr Farquharson, what brings you here so early in the morning?

We're here because of the sinking of the Cabinet Minister.

- Search everywhere, high and low. - Sir.

I'll do upstairs.

You should get that toilet door fixed, Macroon.

Well, I don't know what it's like on the mainland,

but here on the island, it's very rare for somebody to steal a bucket of shite.

Clean as a whistle, sir.

Sorry to have disturbed you and your family, Macroon.

MACROON: Of course you are, Mr Farquharson.

You're welcome here, any time.

ODD: Oh!

(SHOP BELL RINGS)

I ordered this box of ammunition be returned to Ordinance.

Get it to the pier right now and on to the Island Queen as soon as she gets in.

Yes, sir. I'll get someone to come and collect the box.

That Farquharson... it's a dirty, dirty job he has.

Aye, keep a close eye on him.

WAGGETT: I told you a house-to-house search would be a waste of time!

Now can we go to Seal Bay?

We found nothing because they were ready for us,

and I see no reason to tell them what we're going to do next.

- Where's your car? - It's over...

- It's over by the post office. - Go and get it.

Discreetly.

- We'll meet you at Seal Bay. - Right.

(HAMMERING)

ODD: Surely they wouldn't be heading for Seal Bay?

GEORGE: However would they know about that?

BAIN: I told Waggett himself to take a look at Seal Bay.

Well, why should I help you men to ruin my business?

I have sold not a drop since the ship went down.

Judas! Judas!

Aye, well, we don't have a village idiot. We just take it in turns.

Judas!

Hello? Hello?

What kind of parking is this? It's insane!

- Move it? - Can you? Yes. Yes. Thank you.

Seal Bay!

Seal Bay!

- On your way, then. - Aye. Just so, just so.

(LORRY STARTS UP)

(CHEERING)

It's an empty cave, Waggett.

Come on.

(ENGINE SPLUTTERING)

Sorry, I didn't have time to fill her up.

MACROON: Oh, no. Now we are for it.

There you are, Biffer.

- Tragic. - Aye, but necessary.

Try her now.

(ENGINE STARTS)

More to me than meets the eye, Farquharson.

MACROON: 'We lost valuable time and now they had the advantage,

'but every resistance movement has a rogue element,

'a lone wolf capable of risking everything for the cause.'

Halt, who is going there?

What in the bloody hell do you think you're playing at?

I'm playing at guarding the road according to instructions from Captain Waggett.

We've been invaded by the Boche.

Angus, it's me. Have you gone out of your mind?

Not at all.

I am willing to give the supreme sacrifice to keep this island Gaelic.

Look, Private, move out of the way or you will be court-marshalled.

I cannot be court-marshalled, because I am not a real solider.

That is why I can only be accepting orders from Captain Waggett.

Can't you see I am Captain bloody Waggett?

But the Hun is wily and up to all sorts of tricks.

You told us so yourself, Captain.

One could be made up to impersonate yourself

in order to infiltrate this island.

Anyway, whoever you are, you cannot be going on without the password.

(BIRD FLUTTERS)

Well done, Waggett. You can be proud of them.

No password, no whisky.

Whisky, the very word.

Pass, friend.

We've got them!

WAGGETT: Come on!

Come on!

(BICYCLE BELLS RINGING)

Clear out, will you? Will you clear out the way?

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING)

In the name of Customs and Excise, stand aside.

- Deploy the horn! - (HORN HONKING)

I think they have us beat, sir.

(HORN HONKING)

The man made this sacrifice for his country.

He's an example to us all.

BIFFER: Well, it has been a longer day for yourself, Sammy,

than it has been for the rest of us.

What with Mr Mackenzie due home on leave any time now.

I hear he once threw his horse over a dyke into the next field

when his plough got bogged down.

Farquharson, go ahead.

Thank you, sir.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Captain Waggett, it is my unpleasant task to have to inform you

that you are to taken to the Customs and Excise in Obaig and be interviewed.

And... and wait.

Anything you say here to me will be taken down and may be used in evidence.

Good grief, whatever for?

You sent a box of ammunition to the mainland, is that correct?

MCPHEE: I can corroborate that, sir.

We were all in Macroon's post office when Captain Waggett ordered it sent.

FARQUHARSON: And you sent a note

stating that you were personally responsible.

- Yes, yes, what is wrong with that? - That box contained bottles of whisky.

- Whisky? - Whisky for export only.

Whisky authenticated as belonging to the cargo of The Cabinet Minister.

This is utterly impossible.

Farquharson, you know that I am incapable of doing something illegal.

You have ten minutes to pack a bag.

And don't try and make a run for it... you're on an island.

(DOLLY LAUGHING)

Dolly?

I will wait outside.

- Cheers. - (CLINKS GLASSES)

It's just a slap on the wrist, darling.

SAMMY: Poor Mr Waggett.

GEORGE: Aye, he is going to miss the wedding.

(BAGPIPES PLAYING)

(CHEERING)

Ha ha! I can't believe you're both married!

(LAUGHTER)

(CLOCK TICKING)

Ladies and gentlemen!

The bridal waltz!

(APPLAUSE)

(PLAYS A SENTIMENTAL WALTZ)

(BABY CRYING)

- Would you honour me with a dance? - No, Mr Bain.

- CATRIONA: Look, your mother has come. - GEORGE: Mother?

Aye, Father, we love the very bones of you.

Macroon, you're the man who makes the day.

GEORGE: Catriona.

ODD: Peggy.

Ha!

(BAND PLAYS A LIVELY REEL)

(DANCERS WHOOP AND LAUGH)

MACROON: Last time I saw her dance, Angus, was 1902.

Ah, there was never a wind blew that did not fill somebody's sail!

(ALL CHEER)

(WHOOPING)

(MUSIC ENDS)

(GLASSES CLINK)

# Tha solas grinn nan speuran siar gu beul na h-oidhch' a' trial

# Tha fonn an eòin a' falbh bhuaith' gu sèimh aig oir a' chuain

# An cois na grèin' a' laighe sìos thig an iarmailt mhòr

# Le solas gach creutair deàlrach 's sgòthan teann nan còir

# Dùin do shùilean ach an teich thu

# 'S tu faighinn fois am falach fo speuran dubha

# Thig blàth air a' ghealaich mar 'n t-Earrach buan

# Fo ghathan airgid tha an saoghal na shuain #

(UPBEAT JIG)