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('WELLINGTON PARANORMAL' THEME)
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(MUSIC CONTINUES)
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(KEYPAD BEEPS TO
TUNE OF 'JINGLE BELLS')
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IMITATES COMPUTERISED VOICE:
Access granted.
Merry Christmas, Sergeant Maaka.
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Ho. Ho. Ho.
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NORMAL VOICE: Uh, thank you,
computer. And the same to you.
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O'Leary, Minogue, welcome to the
Paranormal Office Christmas party.
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You having fun?
Uh―
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Um, yes.
Well, I'm having a lot
of fun, as you can see.
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00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:59,640
Uh, what's the best Christmas
present you ever got?
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Well, one time, when I was 10,
I got this really great, um― it was,
like, a pull-back police motorcycle.
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It had lights, and you pulled
it back, and it drove itself.
Oh, yeah.
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Great.
15
00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:10,480
Minogue.
Mum got me school clothes.
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I mean, she got me a school uniform
for the upcoming year,...
Hm.
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...which she said was
generous, but I think she's―
No, that's cool.
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Was that gen―? Was that cool?
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It was cool.
See, one Christmas, I, uh,...
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when I was 6 years old,
and I got a teddy bear with
a tiny little police uniform.
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I loved it so much.
Uh, it's actually what inspired me
to join the police force.
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One day, it went missing.
Where did it go?
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I-I don't know that.
I launched a full investigation,
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and I even wrote it its own
case file, as you can see.
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At the age of 6,
you wrote a case file?
Yeah.
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Anyway, I thought that, uh,
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we should do a bit
of a Secret Santa.
(CHUCKLES)
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There's only three of us, though,
Sarge. It might be a bit obvious.
Just humour me, O'Leary.
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(CHUCKLES)
(PAPER RUSTLES)
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(EXHALES)
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'Minogue.'
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Oh. 'O'Leary.'
Do we get ourselves presents?
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Well, we'll go again.
34
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What should I get Sarge
for Secret Santa?
Ah!
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Now you've told me it's Sarge.
That's who you're buying for.
You're not supposed to let me know.
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No. I meant...
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if Sarge was my Secret Santa,
what would I get him?
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He's not my recipient.
I know what I'm gonna get
the person that I've got.
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But you're better at
keeping secrets than me.
Correct.
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RT: Car Four, this is comms.
Uh, need you to go to the Tawa Mall.
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Apparently, the Santa there
has been making kids cry. Over.
(RT BEEPS)
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Uh, yeah, copy that.
We're on our way.
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I thought that's what Santas do ―
make kids cry.
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No, they're supposed to make you
feel all excited about Christmas.
45
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Yeah, well,
that's not what they did.
Well, what hap―?
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You'd go there and
you'd sit on his knee,...
Yeah?
47
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...and then he'd say,
'What do you want for Christmas?'
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And you'd tell him,...
Yeah? Yes?
...and he'd go,
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'Don't like your chances, mate.'
What Santa―?
'Not on my watch.'
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And then your mum'd come over,
and he'd go, 'Ho, ho, ho!'
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So these kids shouldn't be
so surprised that they're crying,
because that's what Santa's for.
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OK, I think you've had a bad
experience with a really bad Santa.
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You reckon Sarge might
like some scented soaps?
Well, soap's what you get
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when you've got no idea what to
get someone for Christmas, so...
Well, I got my brother Adam some,
55
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and he absolutely loved 'em.
He was speechless.
Really?
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Yeah. He opened them up,
and he was like...
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Hi. Can I help you? I'm Ian.
I-I represent the mall.
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Oh. Hey, uh, we've
received some complaints.
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Apparently, your Santa's
been upsetting people?
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Oh. Yep. Um, he's...
he's just down this way.
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He's just by the FCK.
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Uh, did you mean the KFC?
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Oh, sorry. Just a little
bit dyslexic, yeah.
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I had to call this guy
in last minute,...
Mm?
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DEMONIC VOICE: You will find
your photos on the website ―
...and the problem now is
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he doesn't seem to leave.
and your souls.
Return to your pathetic life.
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Bring me the next child!
(BABBLES IN TONGUES)
He doesn't seem very Santa-y.
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Yeah, that's been the
main problem. I-I wasn't quite
sure how to bring it up.
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And did you book this guy?
Look again to me!
Yep.
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00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,760
Yeah, so― And you said
you're dyslexic?
Yes. Yeah.
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I'm just wondering if maybe you've
got your letters a bit muddled up
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and you've booked Satan
instead of Santa.
We'll put that away for Georgia.
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(CHILD CRIES)
Oh, yeah.
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Obviously, this is not optimum.
Um, I don't think Satan
should be at a mall,
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especially not round Christmas time,
um, so I think it's important
that we now get in there
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and break this thing up. Minogue?
Have fun with your headless doll!
(CRYING CONTINUES)
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Take away your child ―
and bring me the next one!
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Gidday, mate.
Hi. Uh, we're from
the Wellington Police.
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NORMAL VOICE: Oh.
How's it going?
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Good. Good. Pretty good, yep. Yeah.
Hey, look― Hi. Uh,...
Hi.
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...we've just had some complaints.
Mm-hm?
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Apparently, you've been
scaring children.
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00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:36,440
Uh, no, I've...
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Well, I've been scarring children.
Oh, misunderstanding.
OK, no, actually, that's worse.
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It's just that I was gonna claim
this mall to be my foul citadel.
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I was gonna take the souls
of the damned. Oh, here's one.
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(CHOKES)
DEMONIC VOICE: Yes!
Yes, you'll do nicely.
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Come on, mate. Is this really
the place where you wanna start
your fiery realm, though? I mean,...
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SOFTLY: it's a shopping mall
in Tawa.
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NORMAL VOICE: Well―
Hey, um, if these guys
have booked you,
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how does that work, exactly?
Have you got an agent, or...?
(CHOKES QUIETLY)
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No. I-I was just sitting on
my throne in hell,...
Mm.
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...and I was summoned here.
OK, so how exactly
were you summoned?
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By fax.
By fax?!
(CHOKES QUIETLY)
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Yup. If you fax Satan,...
Mm?
...I appear.
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Ah.
Yeah. As soon as they invented it,
we got one in hell.
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Guys. (CHOKES)
Oh.
Sorry.
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00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:21,800
Yes.
You're now choking
a member of the public,
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00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,280
you know? OK? That mall manager.
Mm-hm.
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00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:24,680
He's not having a
nice time up there, OK?
101
00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:26,920
All right.
I just really think,
potentially, it's time for you
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to go back to hell,...
(CHOKES)
...finish off your hell stuff...
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You've had a pretty good
run of it today, mate.
OK?
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You're in the wrong suburb.
Tawa is not the place for you.
Or anyone.
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Let him go.
(CHOKES)
OK! All right, all right, all right.
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Look, if you ever need to spice up
a party, just give me a fax.
I might be interested in that.
107
00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:42,200
I can create havoc on earth,...
Yeah?
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...make fire and blood
come out of everything, and, uh,...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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...also a dubstep DJ.
OK.
Do people still listen to that?
110
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Yeah!
How does that go, again?
(BEATBOXES DUBSTEP)
111
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:53,080
Yeah, you can't dance to it.
Also, I'd get your card sorted out.
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If you're representing
your business,
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00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:58,520
it needs to be a really clean card.
Look, there's probably a place here
at the mall you can probably
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00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:00,680
get some more printed.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, does Sammy still print the...?
115
00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:01,680
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, OK.
116
00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:03,400
Yeah.
It's 50% off today.
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Is it?
Yeah.
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You wanna take Satan down there?
And you guys can sort it out
before he ducks off.
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00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:10,000
Oh, I'd rather not, to be honest.
It's a fair call.
Yeah.
120
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:11,960
I mean, he had him by
the throat. Look, um,...
Yeah, he did.
121
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:15,440
Do you need a lift anywhere, like,
to get back down to, uh,... hell?
122
00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:19,560
Nah, nah. I'll just grab an Uber.
By the way, uh,...
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one of you two is going to hell.
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I'll let you enjoy that on the drive
home. (CHUCKLES) Two people or―
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We're not playing your game,
Satan, OK?
OK, all right.
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00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:29,560
Well, I'll see one of you later.
Is it her?
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(HOOVES CLOP)
See you later. Thank you.
Is one of them tall or short?
128
00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:35,240
Who, who, who, who's it gonna be?
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Is it the tall one?
(CLICKS TONGUE)
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Is it the short one? Tah-ta-ta!
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Whoosha-ka-ka, ha-te-fah!
Off you go, please, Satan.
No, we've had enough.
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- Enjoy the ride home, guys.
- (HOOVES SQUEAK)
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Those hooves have given me
an idea to get Sergeant Maaka
some toenail clippers.
134
00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:50,120
What?
Does Sergeant Maaka
want some toenail clippers?
135
00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:52,120
(MAGIC 8-BALL SLOSHES, RT BEEPS)
136
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,880
Nah.
RT: Minogue and O'Leary?
Go ahead.
137
00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:59,920
We have a report of some
stolen meat from a barbecue
at 12 Pamela Drive. Over.
138
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,470
(RT BEEPS)
Yeah, on our way. Let's go.
139
00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:05,720
Hey. Thanks for coming. I'm Kev.
Gidday, Kev.
Oh, hi, Kev.
140
00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:07,920
Gidday.
We understand you've had
some meat go missing.
141
00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:12,440
Uh, yeah. Had a whole load of
steaks and chops and sausages...
Mm-hm?
142
00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:16,080
...and corn-fed chicken breast,
bangers ― you know, some, uh,
143
00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:19,120
sizzlers and saveloys for the kids.
Then we had some burgers
144
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:22,240
and pork medallions,
and we had some venison mince.
145
00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:24,840
Uh, we had pork mince as well,
formed into little meatballs,
146
00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:27,480
with onion―
Got it.
So you had meat?
147
00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:28,840
Meat?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
148
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All meat. All goneburger.
So, goneburger? Gone...
Why don't you just write,
149
00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:34,800
'There was meat,
and that's all gone'? OK?
Gone meat.
150
00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:37,720
And no one here noticed anything?
Not a sausage.
151
00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:41,960
OK, can we just keep those
bad dad jokes to a minimum? OK?
Yeah, word to the wise ―
152
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,600
I wouldn't bother with those jokes.
She's a bit more highbrow than that.
Right.
153
00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:47,440
I just don't get them.
Did, uh, anything else go missing?
154
00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,400
Well, we can't find my auntie.
Your auntie?
155
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:53,560
You didn't think maybe you
should've told me that first?
Well, we just noticed.
156
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:57,040
Could she have stolen the meat?
Nah. She's in a wheelchair, so...
157
00:07:57,040 --> 00:07:59,960
Uh, Minogue!
Yo!
We've got a missing person.
158
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,240
No, I'm just over here.
159
00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:04,520
Not you ― a missing person.
Oh. Copy that.
160
00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:06,640
We've got a missing woman.
She's in a wheelchair.
Right.
161
00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:08,600
And how old are we talking?
Um, she's 91.
162
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:10,600
91! (EXHALES)
163
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:12,560
But if you had to choose ―
Mm-hm?
164
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:15,540
meat or auntie,...
What?
...which one do you want back?
165
00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:18,400
(PUFFS)
166
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:21,320
So, um, obviously, there has been
some meat that's gone missing.
167
00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:24,600
Probably more importantly,
there's also an elderly woman
that is missing too.
168
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:27,440
Nah. She's not in there.
Is it there?
Nah.
169
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:31,640
Yeah, I've got a sneaking suspicion
the elderly lady is not
particularly trustworthy,
170
00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:34,440
and I think if we find her,
we find the meat.
171
00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:36,330
Minogue! I think I found something.
172
00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:39,440
(EERIE MUSIC)
173
00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:42,240
What do you think that is?
This might sound outlandish,
174
00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:44,800
but I think it's
a vertical spa pool.
175
00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:49,240
OK, that's not a spa pool, OK? It
looks like some sort of, uh, vortex.
176
00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:52,640
Mrs Siri, please
Google Image 'vortex'.
177
00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:54,960
SIRI: You'll need to
unlock your iPhone first.
You've gotta unlock your phone.
178
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:55,840
Oh.
(PHONE UNLOCKS)
179
00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:57,200
Images?
Yeah.
180
00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:59,200
(PHONE CLICKS)
Huh.
181
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:01,680
Definitely a vortex, isn't it?
182
00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:04,840
Maybe one of us
should stick our hand in.
(SCOFFS) That's a stupid idea.
183
00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:08,400
(VORTEX SLOSHES)
184
00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:11,920
It's cold in there.
Well, that's gonna be terrible
if Auntie Flo's in there.
185
00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:14,240
Really good for the meat,
though, so...
186
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:15,680
Kevin!
187
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:21,440
Hi, Kevin. Hey, um, just wondering ―
were you aware that you had
some sort of a vortex back here?
188
00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:23,880
Uh, the big funny colour thing?
Yes.
Mm.
189
00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:28,160
Um,... yup.
So you have noticed it?
I mean, yeah, I've noticed it.
190
00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:31,120
Yeah, I can't feel
anything back there.
Oh my gosh.
191
00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,800
What?
That must be where
the cat disappeared to.
192
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:36,480
I think maybe one of us
is gonna have to go in there.
193
00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:38,400
That's insane.
Mm.
194
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,080
I'll do it.
Yup.
195
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,320
Are you sure this is the best we can
do? I sort of feel like if that hose
196
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,280
was tied around the tree or
something― Have you got good grip?
197
00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:45,680
Nah, I'm― Yeah, I'm good.
We've got it.
OK.
198
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:47,040
Good as gold.
199
00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:52,040
(SCREAMS)
What?! What?! What?! What?!
O'Leary, my leg's being eaten!
200
00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:53,520
Come back! Come back!
It's being eaten!
201
00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:56,960
It's not. (CHUCKLES)
It's not. It's not being eaten.
You should've seen your faces.
202
00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:58,320
Or maybe it is being eaten.
203
00:09:58,320 --> 00:09:59,730
Nah. It's not.
204
00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:03,000
(GRUNTS)
205
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,360
Steady.
Hold it tighter.
Yeah, yep.
206
00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:06,200
Yep.
PANTS: OK, good!
Pretty good.
207
00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:08,280
Good, good. Keep going back.
208
00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:10,440
(GRUNTS)
Whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh God!
209
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:13,120
I've lost it!
Minogue! Minogue!
210
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:14,640
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
211
00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:14,800
212
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:17,720
Minogue!
Aren't you gonna go in and help him?
213
00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:21,600
Did you go in and help your cat?
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
214
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:23,640
It's Minogue.
(PHONE UNLOCKS)
ECHOES: You there, O'Leary?
215
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:27,200
Minogue! Minogue, where are you?
O'Leary, I'm in the vortex.
216
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:31,560
This place is crazy. It's sort of
like a large void ― that's what
I'd call it ― but it's...
217
00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:35,320
it's full of stuff.
You're in the void?
Swing ball set,
218
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:38,200
(CHUCKLES) Cabbage Patch Kid.
I used to have one of those.
219
00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:42,680
This is possibly where all the lost
stuff comes. Hang on a minute.
220
00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:45,040
(CHUCKLES) I found the meat!
221
00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:47,040
- He's found the meat!
- (CHEERING)
222
00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:49,040
(CLATTERING)
Huh.
223
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:51,440
And Auntie Flo.
224
00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:54,800
- And... And Auntie Flo.
- (HALF-HEARTED CHEERING)
225
00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:58,720
So, we seem to have discovered
some sort of dimensional vortex
at the back of this property,
226
00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:01,400
from which Minogue has
retrieved an elderly woman...
227
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:02,720
Auntie Flo, I'm so relieved.
228
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:05,060
...and some meat.
Job well done.
229
00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:10,880
Well, that was a strange one.
I think that's an understatement.
230
00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:14,520
Well, it was a really, really,
really strange one.
Would that be an understatement?
231
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:16,730
I'd say that's getting
closer to what it was.
Mm.
232
00:11:16,942 --> 00:11:18,942
(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)
233
00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:24,680
(RT CRACKLES)
RT: Car Four, this is comms.
Go ahead.
234
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:27,440
We got some sort of a disturbance
at a property in Salisbury Terrace,
235
00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:30,120
number 22.
Need you to respond. Over.
(RT BEEPS)
236
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,720
On our way. Over.
(RT CRACKLES)
237
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:37,040
(MOREPORK HOOTS IN DISTANCE)
Evening, folks.
Good evening.
238
00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:38,960
Had a call-out from you guys?
Yes, yes, that was us.
239
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:43,120
Um, one of the presents escaped
and started attacking us.
Out of its box, so...
240
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:45,320
Yeah.
OK, so, was this present,
like, a new pet?
241
00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:48,640
A dog?
No, no. No, it's-it's a doll.
Yeah, a possessed doll.
242
00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:51,040
How do you know it's possessed?
It mentioned it.
Well, it― Yeah.
243
00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:54,680
Yeah, it, um... it burst
out of the wrapping paper
and started attacking us,
244
00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:58,120
and then it mentioned that it
was possessed by a murderer.
By a murderer.
245
00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:01,760
Yeah. It was going like...
(SNARLS, GRUNTS)
246
00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:03,560
- MINOGUE AND O'LEARY: Mm.
- Awful.
247
00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:06,120
It was also yelling
insults at us as well.
Yeah.
248
00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:10,120
About your jeans?
No, it just said that
I wasn't very smart.
249
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,520
Said that I talked too much.
Is that true?
250
00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:14,650
Is this true, you guys? Is this
your mum and dad ― these people?
251
00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:16,750
Mm.
252
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:23,880
So, we've just spoken to the family
who believe that a toy has come to
life and is potentially dangerous,
253
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:26,080
so we're just gonna make sure
that everything's safe.
254
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,960
Hey, O'Leary.
What?
255
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,200
'Hoo' is that? (CHUCKLES)
256
00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:35,480
Hmm.
257
00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:38,360
What's this?
That could be the box.
258
00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:41,320
Well, I'd say that's
a pretty good guess, yeah.
It's like that movie Alien,
259
00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:44,360
where that alien
bursts out of that guy's chest.
Wouldn't you say it's more like
260
00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:47,160
that movie where the toy comes
to life and terrorises the family?
261
00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:49,360
Toy Story.
I couldn't get through that.
262
00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:53,200
(GLASS SMASHES IN DISTANCE)
What was that? Did that just smash?
WHISPERS: Go find out.
263
00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:56,280
WHISPERS: Come with me.
Get your Taser out.
Straight away?
264
00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:59,140
I'm not coming
if you haven't got your Taser out.
OK, I'm getting it. I'm getting it.
265
00:13:01,011 --> 00:13:03,011
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
266
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,520
(GASPS LOUDLY)
(GASPS)
267
00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:12,840
WHISPERS: Can you try not
to make that big noise
268
00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:15,040
every time?
WHISPERS: I was thinking
about Alien again.
269
00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:16,960
(SCUFFLING)
270
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:18,960
What was that?
271
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:21,960
Um,...
What was that?
...cat.
272
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,960
Probably, eh?
273
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:28,000
Maybe we should, um, you know,
split up.
274
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:29,800
OK.
OK.
275
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:33,720
Not that far.
What?
Just arm's-distance.
276
00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:36,360
Yeah, OK.
(SCUFFLING)
277
00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:38,360
You hear that?
What?
278
00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:41,040
Do you reckon it's in the fridge?
279
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:42,880
Three, two, one.
280
00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:44,840
(SMACK!)
Oh!
281
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:46,600
I'm all right. I'm all right.
He's all right.
282
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:48,240
GRUNTS: Yep.
He's actually OK.
I'm good.
283
00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:49,280
WHISPERS: Dishwasher.
284
00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:52,200
I'll hold it, and if it jumps
at you, it'll go in here,
285
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:55,400
and then we'll hold it down
like it's a spider.
286
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:56,300
Empty.
287
00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:02,000
(SCUFFLING)
Did you hear that?
What?
288
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,320
Anything in there?
Nothing.
289
00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:07,840
Uh, so, we've done an exhaustive
search of the property,...
Empty.
290
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:09,160
Under the table!
Oh.
291
00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:10,640
...and we've found
nothing whatsoever.
292
00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:15,080
I mean, we've looked pretty
thoroughly through the entire house,
um, so we can probably go out now
293
00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:17,840
and have another talk
to the family...
(CHAIR CLATTERS)
294
00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:20,360
...and let them know that
everything's pretty safe in here.
295
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:23,400
WHISPERS: I mean, maybe
they were just imagining it.
WHISPERS: I think they did.
296
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:26,480
Yeah.
I mean, how does a doll come alive
and attack people? (SCOFFS)
297
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:28,760
I dunno.
(DOLL HEAD CREAKS)
298
00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:39,320
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
299
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,160
(THUD!)
(SCREAMS)
What is that?
300
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:46,480
You gotta stay still!
He's digging his teeth in!
Get it off me, O'Leary!
301
00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:48,320
I'm not touching that!
Get it off me! It hurts!
302
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,360
Tase it! Get it away!
(TASER ZAPS, FIZZLES)
No, it's busted!
303
00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:52,320
Get it off! Get it off!
(GRUNTS) It's broken!
304
00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:54,480
I'll kick it off. I'll kick it off.
No, Minogue!
I'm right in front of you!
305
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:56,320
I'll kick it off!
No!
Here we go!
306
00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:58,320
(DOLL SNARLS)
Aargh!
307
00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:02,480
Aargh! Minogue!
(DEMONIC CACKLING, CLAWS SLICE)
308
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:03,640
309
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:07,520
Just been caught in a
Christmas tree. (GRUNTS)
310
00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:12,080
(DOLL SNARLS)
This is not optimum. (PANTS)
311
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:15,280
Why do they make toys
so violent these days?
I don't know.
312
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,440
Look, but we've gotta get out there.
We've gotta catch this thing.
(THUDDING)
313
00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:19,560
Well, it's only little. It's not
like it can kill us or anything.
314
00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:21,560
(SCHLING!)
(GASPS)
315
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:24,560
Where's the Taser?
You broke it!
We're gonna have to improvise.
316
00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:26,100
There'll be something
in these presents.
317
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:30,080
A bat! Great.
318
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:31,880
Well, this isn't gonna work.
Yeah, it's good.
319
00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:33,480
Well, you have it, then. We'll swap.
No, I don't wanna swap.
320
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,440
Well, this shoots only
very soft projectiles. See?
321
00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:37,040
(NERF GUN WHIRRS)
Ow.
322
00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:39,680
That's not a genuine 'ow'.
I'm gonna open the door, OK,
and smack it with the bat.
323
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:41,400
This isn't over.
(NERF GUN WHIRRS)
324
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:44,160
(WHIMPERS) See? It's doing nothing!
325
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,960
You can barely even feel it.
You're distracting me, Minogue!
326
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:50,600
We've gotta concentrate.
Damn, I'm out! Smash it, O'Leary!
It did nothing! It did nothing!
327
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,600
Smash it!
(YELLS)
328
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:54,800
Think I got it. (PANTS)
329
00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:57,720
(PANTS)
330
00:15:57,720 --> 00:15:58,680
(DOLL CREAKS)
331
00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:01,350
O'Leary?
332
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:06,000
(DEMONIC CACKLING)
(SCREAMS)
333
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:08,850
Requesting backup!
Find something to help me, Minogue!
334
00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:12,480
Pot plant?
No!
335
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,280
Find another one!
Yoga mat!
336
00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:18,200
It's a scarf! It's a scarf!
337
00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:20,640
It's a really nice scarf. She's―
Well, that's got no use!
Find something else!
338
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:22,520
Yeah! (LAUGHS) Yes!
339
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:24,640
(PANTS) It's too late.
340
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:28,040
I've already killed it.
Hm.
341
00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,120
Oh. Hi, guys.
342
00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:33,200
Um, so, we've incapacitated
the, uh, scary doll,
343
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:35,480
and it shouldn't cause
you guys any more problems.
344
00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:38,120
His head's come off.
So, um, yeah.
345
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:41,680
That's probably for you.
It's not the best―
And that is not a great present,
346
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:44,200
but you can have that.
Early Christmas present.
347
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:45,840
Great.
(CHUCKLES)
See you later, guys.
348
00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:47,720
'Scuse me. Sorry.
349
00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:52,400
Another job well done.
Have an awesome Christmas, guys.
350
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:55,640
(SINISTER MUSIC)
351
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:58,720
You were really heroic
in there tonight, O'Leary.
Oh, thank you.
352
00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:01,800
Maybe if I was the one
that got the cricket bat,
353
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:05,760
then you'd be the one
singing my praises right now
instead of me singing your praises.
354
00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:08,960
We can't know that, though, can we?
That's how I like imagining it
in my head ―
355
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:12,080
that I was the heroic one, cos I had
the cricket bat and not you.
356
00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:14,040
I've seen you play cricket, though.
Mm.
357
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:17,760
RT: Patrol Four, can you respond
to a missing persons
at an office Christmas party?
358
00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:21,960
103 Willis St, level 2. Thank you.
Yeah, copy that. On our way.
(RT BEEPS)
359
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:25,200
SIGHS: Another missing person?
Mm.
Christmas is so busy.
360
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:29,160
(WOMAN IMITATES SIRENS)
'Scuse me. 'Scuse. 'Scuse.
361
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:31,160
(CHEERING)
362
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:33,160
That's actually very dangerous.
I don't recommend doing that.
363
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:35,280
That's dangerous.
We've got this guy that
works here ― his name's Jeff.
364
00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:38,440
He's a bit of a crack-up. Anyway,
he went into the photocopy room,
365
00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:42,200
and he took photocopies of his arse
and he emailed them to everyone,
and look.
366
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:44,200
(CACKLES, WHEEZES)
367
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:48,600
No one saw him leave the
photocopy room, so I went
and checked it, and he was gone.
368
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:53,280
But then I went and had a look
at some of the security footage.
(CLEARS THROAT)
369
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:54,450
Look at this.
370
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:58,120
See? That's Jeff there.
That's gotta be a
health and safety issue.
371
00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:00,160
Yeah, the glass
is reinforced, though.
372
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:03,960
- But then watch this.
- (PHOTOCOPIER WHIRRS)
373
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:07,120
Out of it, eh?
OK. Where's this room?
374
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:10,160
Well, he's not in here, is he?
375
00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:12,040
So, we know that Jeff just sat
on the photocopier...
376
00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:13,600
And then he just disappeared.
OK, yeah.
377
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:15,640
Minogue, I think maybe
you should just try that.
Hey?
378
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:17,370
Well, you try what―
do what Jeff did.
379
00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:21,200
Minogue, what are you doing?
Doing what Jeff did.
380
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,240
You don't need to take
your trousers down.
Didn't think so.
381
00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:25,720
That would be unprofessional.
That would've been
a stupid thing to...
382
00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:31,960
OK, you ready?
Yep.
(BEEP!)
383
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:35,600
(BEEP! PHOTOCOPIER WHIRRS)
384
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:38,360
CHUCKLES: Tickles.
385
00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:43,360
Minogue! Minogue!
I should call the photocopy guy.
386
00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:46,880
Well, you're not gonna
get him on Christmas Eve.
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
387
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:48,040
Oh, it's Minogue.
(PHONE UNLOCKS)
388
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:50,120
Minogue, where are you?
ECHOES: In an inky-black void.
389
00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:54,160
It's probably the same black void
as earlier. I can see a light.
390
00:18:54,185 --> 00:18:56,935
Heading towards the light, O'Leary.
No-no-n― no, you never go
towards the light!
391
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:59,040
Stay away from the light, Minogue!
Think I can see―
392
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:01,040
(PHONE BEEPS)
393
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:04,520
I should just call Steve ―
like, he's real good with
technology and stuff ―
394
00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:08,240
cos maybe it just needs new toner.
OK, I don't think
it's a toner issue.
395
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:12,120
OK, I'm... I'm... I'm gonna
have to, maybe, go in after him.
396
00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:14,480
If I get lost, you have
to call the police again.
OK.
397
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:15,840
Well, it's gotta go on A3.
(BEEPING)
398
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:19,080
What are you trying to say?
No, it won't scan if it's on A4,
399
00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:21,080
cos we don't have the paper for
it. That's all.
OK.
400
00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:25,560
Yeah, and I dunno how to go back
now, cos you sat on it and it broke.
Well, I don't think it's my fault.
401
00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:27,720
What have you done?
I haven't done anything.
402
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:29,680
This is not my office building,
is it?
No.
403
00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:32,520
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Oh yeah. Hang on.
404
00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:34,880
Oh, it's Minogue again.
(PHONE UNLOCKS)
Minogue, where are you?
405
00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:38,480
Gidday, O'Leary. Just wanted to
let you know that, um, I followed
the light from earlier on.
406
00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:42,080
Uh, it's taken me all the
way back to the vortex
at Kevin and Hine's place.
407
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:45,720
And I also managed to
get that Secret Santa present.
Minogue, where is your uniform?
408
00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:51,320
Um, I hung it up. Obviously, hanging
it up was a better alternative than
getting into the spa pool with it.
409
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:54,000
Oh, and, Gayle, look who I found.
410
00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:57,180
Say Gidday, mate.
Hey, Gayle!
Hey!
411
00:19:57,200 --> 00:20:01,080
Hey, did everyone get
those emails of my bum?
Yeah. It was hilarious. (GIGGLES)
412
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:04,480
It wasn't hilarious.
We had to report it to the police.
413
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:06,960
H-Have an awesome Christmas.
414
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,960
I'll probably bring him down the
station when I get out of the spa.
415
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:12,600
Uh, look, I'm gonna have
to come and pick you up.
You come in your togs,
416
00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:14,640
and if you get in,
then I'll get out.
417
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:16,720
OK, I'm coming to get you,
and I'm not bringing my togs.
418
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:19,160
(CARD READER BEEPS)
419
00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:22,400
An inky blank void?
Mm. It was pretty freaky, Sarge.
420
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:25,280
Sounds like you might've entered
some kind of fourth dimension.
421
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:28,520
I'm surprised it didn't do
all sorts of weird things
to your atomic structure.
422
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,720
Atomic structure feels fine.
Mm.
423
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:32,520
SOFTLY: What's an atomic structure?
I'll tell you later.
424
00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:35,960
Job well done.
Mm-hm.
On to more important business ―
425
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:39,240
Secret Santa. Oh!
Look at that. O'Leary.
426
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:42,680
(GASPS) I wonder who
could've got me this?
(MOUTHS)
427
00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:44,920
Oh. Scented soaps. Yay.
(CHUCKLES)
428
00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:47,120
Vanilla.
Yep.
Bit racist.
429
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:50,970
Oh. Minogue.
Yes!
430
00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:54,080
(RATTLING)
431
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:56,170
(GASPS)
432
00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,680
You do know I'm a grown man?
Don't... Don't look at me.
433
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:09,080
What am I gonna do with this?
Must be my turn, then. Hm.
434
00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:11,920
Oh, it's rather large and...
435
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:15,640
feels quite... feels quite soft.
436
00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:17,640
(WRAPPING PAPER TEARS)
437
00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:21,320
It can't be.
438
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:24,560
It can't be.
It's Officer Fuzzypants.
439
00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:26,320
Thank you!
440
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:28,320
How did you find him?
441
00:21:29,120 --> 00:21:33,960
Merry Christmas, Sarge.
Merry Christmas, Sarge.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE, DOOR CREAKS)
442
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:35,960
(DOOR CLOSES)
443
00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:37,960
(POIGNANT MUSIC)
444
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:40,760
(SIGHS)
445
00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:42,760
Case closed.
446
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:45,800
- CHILDLIKE VOICE ECHOES:
Na-na, na-na.
- (DRAWER CLOSES)
447
00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:47,800
(SIGHS)
448
00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:50,060
Boop!
449
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:53,760
('WELLINGTON PARANORMAL' THEME)
450
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:57,960
Captions by Maeve Kelly.
Edited by Cameron Grigg.
451
00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:01,960
Captions were made with the
support of NZ On Air.
452
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:05,040
www.able.co.nz
Copyright Able 2019
40134
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