All language subtitles for Walk.of.Fame. 01.

Seventeen past the hour
of 8:00 with tnt.

We check your traffic
every ten minutes.

Here's Mike Nolan,
kfi in the sky.

Good morning, Tracy. Still busy
southbound on the Hollywood.

It'll be a struggle from
Hollywood blvd toward alvarado.

But overall, I think you'll
enjoy this Monday morning ride.

Man.

Shit!

Shit, my fucking keys. Fuck!

Yes. I'd like to thank you
for your order.

You should receive your
groom your Booty

limited edition workout videos
in two to three weeks.

Yes. Okay.

Hey. How are the calls today?

I got the Booty calls,
you got the tech support.

Your stereotypical rubbish
handed down by your bourgeoisie.

Think she saw me come in late?

She definitely didn't see you
come in on time, drew.

Thank you for calling
vantage light bulb.

How may I brighten up your day?

Start by telling me why I've
got an entire Christmas tree

that won't light up.

Who makes light bulbs
that don't light up?

Sir, I don't actually
make the lights.

I just try to provide a solution
for your problem.

Now, are your lights
properly plugged in?

Young man, I am a retired
electrical engineer

with the United States military.

Yes, and thank you for that.

So your lights
are properly plugged

into an electrical outlet?

An electrical outlet!

Thank you, Benjamin Franklin!

All this time, I had them
plugged into my dog's ass!

Get me a supervisor, you idiot!

Do you read the news, drew?

Sometimes.

How about the wall street parts?

On occasion.

I don't think you do
because if you did,

you'd realize that this country
is in a financial crisis.

It's on the brink of a national
economical depression.

It's gotten so bad
that only one in twelve people

are gainfully employed.

Gainfully?

I would think that
the lucky few who have jobs

would be bending over
with gratitude.

I...

Are you bending, drew?

I try and bend.

Well, I don't see any bending.

With a,

a 49% call rating,

I'm gonna go with no bending.

I'll try to bend more.

You will bend, drew.

All eight hours of every shift,

you will bend over
and take everything I give you.

Think of a...

Think of a happy little giraffe.

Ooh, ooh! He's running.

He's running through
a field in Africa.

He sees a tree with some leaves.

He's eating them.

Aah! He's eating the leaves,
but it's not leaves, drew!

It's your asshole!

Get back out there!
Put the headset on your ears.

Act like you give a damn
about your job!

Where did you get this?

They're all over the Internet.

This isn't me, ebony.

That's not you?

That's my face, not my body.

So do you have a twin sister
that you never mention?

Zip it, Hugo!

Zipping.

Human resources is investigating
as we speak.

Human resources? I don't have
time to talk about this.

I gotta go pre-board.

You are not going anywhere.
They have grounded you

until the investigation
has wrapped.

This is my job.

Nikki, I've got direct orders.

You are suspended indefinitely
without pay.

Now, I need your wings.

Clipped.

You obviously do not need these,
fairy boy.

At least I have wings.

Every day I feel like
I'm in prison in there.

Yeah, but prison is prison
'cause you don't get a break.

- It's a metaphor.
- You mean an analogy?

I mean I hate my job.

Lots of people
hate their job, man.

And my roommate.

Roommates are roommates, dog.

You think it helps me to echo
what I say after I said it?

Echo? These are
words of affirmation.

I'm trying to help you
enjoy life, brother. Relax.

Life? This is not a life.

I live in a one-bedroom
apartment with a caveman.

I failed the bar
for the second time now,

which means I gotta keep working
at the call center,

where Kathy wants to shove
a giraffe into my ass.

Damn. That does sound
like prison.

You might think it's funny,

but the civil rights movement
is no joke, drew.

We have a black president.
What more do you want?

I want my forty acres and my
fucking mule. How about that?

My...

What the fuck are you doing?

- Perv!
- My god.

- Hey!
- Fuck is his problem?

- Hey, are you okay?
- I think so.

What the hell was that?
Did you see him?

Yeah. He just pulled
his penis out.

Why didn't you do anything?

Well, it happened really fast.

Yes, hi. I need an officer.
I was just...

I don't know. I was humped.

I'm not sticking around
to hear that shit, man.

African-Americans do not
fare well at crime scenes.

- Nate, you're overeating.
- No, I'm not.

Yes, he had a black face.

Mask, okay? He had a mask.

Not face.

Get that shit right.

Somebody report a hump and run?

Yes, officer, I did.

Is this the black face
that dry humped you?

- No, no, no.
- No, he's gone.

Put your hands in front of the
vehicle, where I can see 'em.

- What'd I do, officer?
- Or you will be tased.

This is racist, man.

He didn't do anything, officer.

- Who are you, sir?
- My name is drew Thomas.

Fantastic.
I'm officer who-gives-a-shit.

- What are you doing here?
- He's a witness.

- So you saw everything.
- I was standing right here.

And while the serial humper
was just hammering away,

you continued
to just stand there?

It happened really fast.

Okay, Nancy,

how about we start out with
a thorough physical description.

Well, I couldn't really
see his face.

Couldn't see? Because you didn't
have your contact lenses in?

No. I don't wear contact lenses.

Because they irritate your eyes?

No, I don't need them.

You just hold on right there.
We're not done yet.

How many fingers
am I holding up?

One.

One and three halves.
That equals two and a half.

I'm afraid
you do need visual aids.

I didn't think
half fingers counted.

Just like you didn't think
a physical description

would be necessary
to apprehend the criminal.

Hey, officers, this is about me.

So while this citizen
was happily complacent,

were you able
to secure any details?

Yes, and I already told you
he had a black face.

Mask, goddamn it!

- Hey, you shut your mouth!
- It was a mask.

You wanna get tased?
Just get the hell out of here.

Thank you, officer.

You know what?
My work is done here.

To make it official, ma'am,
please fill out that form

and mail it
to the address below.

That's it? She just mails it
and then just waits?

Affirmative.
Or you can do it for her

if you're not just
still standing here.

Really?

Hope you have a better
rest of your day, ma'am.

Ready, rookie?

I get fired for naked pictures
and humped by a dog in a mask.

That's normal, right?

Naked pictures?

Now I'm late for class.
Just keeps getting better.

For the naked pictures or...

You know what? Forget about it.
Forget about this too.

Really? I could fill this out
for you and totally call you.

No. Just pretend you got good
Karma coming your way, right?

Right.

"Evan polus. Starmaker academy."

Evan, hi! This is Sara!
I did it!

I walked in the room
and killed it.

See ya soon, or should I say,
"you'll see me soon."

Evan, Mr. polus, it's al.

I just had my final callback on
that boxing film. They want me!

I used all your techniques,
and I killed. You're a genius.

I'm gonna blow this town away.
Whoo!

Darren Hughes here
from Mulholland productions.

Just had two more of your
people drop by my office.

Listen, I haven't seen talent
like that since,

well, let's be honest, ever.

See, if I had a beer for
every one of these messages,

this entire room
would be foaming

in the suds of drunkenness.

Now, you people sit here longing
to be intoxicated by stardom.

How the hell are you
gonna make it

like these people on my machine?

Well, folks, it's simple.

You're gonna do exactly
what I tell you to do.

Now, you want to get smart and
do your own thing, all right.

But please, don't come
running back to daddy

after you've been
chewed up and spat out

onto the urine-filled streets.

I'm the only person in this town

who can take you
right to the top, baby.

Now, the sooner you realize
how lucky you are

to be here under my tutelage,

the sooner you people
will be shining brighter

than the big fucking Dipper.

So...

Watch out, NASA.

It's time to discover
some new stars.

That little Daisy Duke outfit
got me going.

Damn, if I were you, I'd get
ahold of that ass quick.

That's amazing advice,
as per usual.

Without her job,
she's gonna need a new pilot.

I could be your copilot, drew.

We can fly her into some
international territory.

What does that even mean?

This is your copilot
checking in.

We're clear for takeoff.

Expect a bouncy ride
with hella turbulence, you know?

Just like that.

You are sick.

Tell me again why you didn't
get her number?

I know exactly
where to find her.

Why did you leave me here
so soon, Michael?

You're my best friend.

You're my best friend.

You're my best friend.

You're my best friend, Michael.

Jesus!

Dude, what?

Who is Michael?

Apparently an overdose victim.

He was your best friend.

No.

It's from a monologue.

Do you knock?

Who's that man in the mirror?

What?

That man in the mirror
is you, drew.

He's your best friend
now that Michael has passed.

He's always there.

And sometimes
he is all you have.

Thank you for that, hansel.

Can you please shut my door now?

No. No, I don't think
you get it, Hugo.

I need something different.

Something strange.

What are you laughing at?

No, I'm not.

Wanna open the door?

Okay.

Here you go.

Close it.

Close it!

My god! Get off of me!

You like this?

Get off of me!
Get the fuck off me!

I can hold you all day, woman.

Let me go!

Get the fuck off me,
you big bitch!

- Stop!
- What are you doing?

Drew? My god!

Dammit, dammit, dammit!

No, babe, you got this,
you got this.

Stay in the moment, Nikki.
Keep it. Use it!

I think I'm still warm.
I think I'm still warm.

Yeah. I'm gonna go
unleash the beast.

Fuck yeah, bitch.
Blow 'em away, baby.

- Here it comes!
- Blow 'em away, baby!

Yeah!

I was warming her up, you idiot.

Newbie class is that way.

You'll never be a star.

Cocksucker!

Good evening!

And welcome to the world famous

starmaker academy!

Brace yourselves
for your group numbers.

Shh...

Tonight you'll be stripped

to the barest
of your vulnerable bones.

Studies have found that most
people would rather not live

than speak in front
of a live audience.

Well, you are the brave.

Que se dice, my brotha?

What...

That's Italian for hello.

Sei de ce CIA dito!

Move.

That's Italian for "you're late!
Sit down, please!"

What?

As I was saying,

you will be standing here
delivering your monologue

that you have chosen

that will accentuate
how far, how deep,

how wide your potential
as an actor should be.

The great Evan polus has
interested me as his gatekeeper

to determine
who gets in his class

and who get stopped
short of stardom.

If your group succeeds,

you will advance
to Evan polus' class

and have the opportunity

to be in Hollywood's
greatest showcase ever.

Do you wanna work
eight, ten fucking hours?

You own nothing.
You got nothing.

Do you know I eat octopus
three times a day?

I've got octopus coming
out of my fucking ears.

I got the fucking Russian shoes,
and my feet is coming through.

Hey, I'm no fucking
criminal, man.

I'm Tony Montana,
political prisoner from Cuba,

and I want my fucking
human rights now.

What a dork!

Good job, rowe.

That shit sucked!

As you can see, no one
can become a star overnight.

It is an evolution.

Even Brad Pitt was
a pathetic little lungfish.

Then we made him a star.

Brad Pitt didn't go here.

I don't know, did he?

Mr. Italy, do you have a name?

Rubisio uccellini.

And I have a lot more
than just a name.

Beautiful.

Let the evolution begin.

Max calls me up and says,
"que ce dice, my brotha?"

I think I got heat.

"Stay on this cell phone
with me."

He comes out of his driveway
and says,

"I think they're coming from
every direction, my brotha!

I got bags full of money
just buried in my lawn."

So that night,
I'm out there with a flashlight

just digging up bags of money!

The end.

Uccellini! Ha ha!

Good job, rubisio.

Quick question.

Our assignment
was to prepare a monologue

from a narrative film, right?

Right.

That was from a documentary.

Who the hell are you?

It's a monologue
taken from an amazing movie,

the cocaine cowboys.

Which was a documentary
with live interviews,

so there weren't actually
actors in it.

It was real.

John Wayne was cowboy!

He was a real cowboy.

So if you're not a fan
of real movies,

then you're probably
not gonna be a fan

of all the other real shit
that I have for you.

Cut!

Let's see what you got,
Shakespeare.

The director has yelled cut!

Now, class, self-control

is an important aspect
of this business.

Sometimes it's okay
to punch a thrust.

Other times, you need
to punch a thrust.

Yes, chance.

Did John Wayne
really smoke cocaine?

I'm right here, chance.

And no, John Wayne
was not a cocaine cowboy.

Can my monologue be John Wayne?

Did you prepare
a John Wayne monologue?

The title of my monologue
is "Ruby."

Ruby. Ruby. What is Ruby?

Ruby is an Italian guy
who is in my acting class.

He thinks he's really big
and macho.

But if Ruby had
half the cock I have,

he wouldn't have to be
so macho, would he?

Que dice, beeyotch!

Um...

Give me back my family, fucker!

You know, one time, I...

I had to be in a little play,

and I...
I swallowed the harmonica.

They had to give me
the hemlock treatment.

Why'd you leave me here
all alone?

You were my best friend,
Michael.

Scene?

Who's next?

How 'bout you?

Tears just streamed down
my tired eyes.

And then he came.

And he kissed me.

And with a ring on my finger

and in a promise in my heart,

I can say that I am loved.

Alas...

I am finally loved.

Scene.

Brilliant.

Not a single string in my heart
was unstrung.

I feel like I was ridden hard
and put away hot and wet.

Okay, it is time

for you to become acquainted
with your fellow numbers.

You will be rehearsing
with them this week.

Que se dice, my brothas!

Now it looks like this group
might have a fighting chance.

Why is that?

Why? Because I'm in it
tinker bell.

Tony Montana, puta, octopus!

Dork!

Well, welcome. We're just trying
to figure out where to meet

to practice our scene.

Do you live close by?

You got a house, don't you?

- Yeah, but...
- Okay, cool. Let's go there.

No. It's not
the kind of place where-

hey, we're going to your house.

The dork, the fairy and i
will see you there.

Uccellini is out.

He just made the bear
touch my penis.

My god,
you were so amazing, babe.

Like your boobs were heaving
and your mouth was like,

like pulsing with rage and...

See, I thought
i was the best too.

Your hair is like so silky and...

- Hi, Nikki.
- Hey.

Hey, just so you know,
stalking is a felony.

Heidi, rude.

- You go here now?
- Yeah.

Gotta go.

Help me, mommy!

I'm a big stalker
creepy douchebag!

I can reserve the banquet hall
at my community center.

We'll have plenty
of privacy there.

That's a really good idea, Ruth.

Maybe after we rehearse
a couple of times,

we could have some of your
neighbors was us perform it.

Wait until
the older folks see you.

They're gonna wanna snuggle you
six days from Sunday.

I've wanted you for so long.

But this just feels so wrong.

Shh. Don't think about it.

Just enjoy the fact
that you're about to be

with the best-looking man
in your life.

Uccellini.

Uccellini?

Yeah.

Come here.

Lulu.

I slave away all day

while you stay in my office
and humpy hump?

What, this?

No. We were just talking is all.

Nothing happen, Lulu.

You shut your mouth, lele.

Lulu.

Lulu, stop.

Stop. Listen.
Look, we talked about this,

a guy that looks as good as I do
can't be monogamous forever.

Sometimes I need
something different, you know?

A little strange.

Strange?

And that's why you wanna be
with my twin sister?

You dumb little fuck!

Okay, okay. Listen, stop.

What about my headshots?

You dropped your little
gummy worm in the wrong pond.

Now you have no headshots!

Okay, look, look, look.

Listen, what if i
go to the house,

and we talk about this
when you get home?

You don't have a house anymore,
hotshot.

You just got evicted.

Hello! Come on in, take a seat.

Lulu, let's talk
one more time, please.

Hey, you know what?

You're the one
that's missing out.

Uccellini!

This mind and this body?

She's gonna be
on a wounded knee,

begging this prodigy son
to return.

I think what you're referring to

just happens to be
the story of prodigal son.

It has absolutely nothing to do
with Asian sisters

or wounded knees

or morons in leisure suits
on the fucking clock.

Hey, step down, old man.

We don't any philigisticsum from
the walnut gallery, all right?

The prodigal son
was ignorant and arrogant.

But he had all the necessary
means for success,

but only after returning home

to the wisdom and guidance
of his father.

You have the roar of a lion,

but a lion who's stuck
in a cold cage,

waiting to be warmed up,

warmed enough so you can
crawl out of your den

and discover your time to kill.

Greed, passion, anger, jealousy.

I say we go for it.

I'm not doing a scene
from bring it on.

Sounds like a total bitch fest.

And rubisio uccellini
ain't no bitch.

I say we do a scene
from the godfather.

Actually, I've never seen
the godfather.

That's 'cause you're an idiot.

That's productive.

Othello's here.

Of course I'm here.
This is my house.

And it's really nice.

Come on, you guys, why don't we
do a scene from stand by me?

There's four of them,
and there's four of us.

There we go. That's a start.

Three claps for rowe.

Those kids are like
eight years old.

I'm not gonna pretend
to be a kid.

I don't think
you'd have to pretend.

Were they friends with Michael?

No, hansel.

That was from a monologue.

These are actors
from an acting class.

WwW.ZooCine.CoM
Watch Movies & Series!

Hi. Hey, sir. I'm rowe.

I'm sure you are.

And that's my hookah.

I'm so sorry, i...

What the fuck?

Thank you.

I no wanna you go, papa.

That's gonna be on television?

They're performing for us.
You're interrupting.

Well, I hate it.
I want my ticket money back.

I'll miss you like the dickens,
sweetheart.

I love you, papa.

Why is that girl calling
that little boy "daddy"?

Is this some of that
perverted adult smut?

It's a theatrical performance,
you blowhard!

Like a dinner theater?

Like a dinner theater, Lenny.

Well, I'd like
a Salisbury steak.

That tears it! That tears it!
That tears it!

That's the end of it!
The end of it!

Dear, dear, dear.

It's not my fault that nobody
wants to hire these rejects.

So tell them that.

Listen here,
you dry humping fuck,

you don't tell daddy what
he can and what he can't do.

You know, you do a lot of
talking with your pelvic region.

Where the fuck is chance?

Hey, drew.

Hey, Hannah.

How did it go with your group?

I wouldn't really know
how to put it into words.

- Hey, drew-hoo.
- Hey, Nikki.

Um, Nikki, this is Hannah.
Hannah, Nikki.

Hey, Nikki.

Um, it's nice to meet you.

Hannah is in
the other class with me.

Yeah.

Well, I will see you in there.

Yeah.

Break a leg.

Thank you.

Looks like she broke
more than just a leg.

Poor girl.

She's pretty good, actually.

Yeah, well, she's not a star.

Once you're here for a while,
you'll see.

So what's the difference
between the two classes?

I gotta go.

Unleash the beast!

Okay.

Chance, where the fuck are you?

- Move it or lose it, bitch!
- Whoa! Jeez!

Please, darling,
won't you reconsider?

I can hardly breathe,

thinking about you
not being here,

laying next to me.

Well, duty calls, sweet cheeks,

and this cowboy don't back down
to anyone or anything.

I no wanna you go, papa.

Now you listen,
and you listen good, son.

While I'm gone,
you're the man of this ranch.

Now, I want you
to feed the chickens

and milk them cows, you hear?

And I want you to make sure
that your mother and sister

are never fondled
by the other cowhands.

I love you, daddy.

Yippee-ki-yay!

Neigh! Neigh!

Action!

Men, I'm gonna ask you
one more time.

Who screwed up my mess hall?

Sir, it was not me, sir.

I didn't even
eat anything last night.

Then you're dismissed, soldier.

Get out of my face!

It wasn't me, sir.

I took an oath to serve this
country and to tell the truth.

As a result,
i can't tell a lie-lie.

Saved by the don't ask,
don't tell clause.

Lieutenant, that's already
been totally amended already.

Back to your bunker!

And you, soldier?

I don't really care what
you have to say for yourself.

You made me question
the validity of basic training.

One of these days, I'm gonna
give you what you deserve.

Really?
Are those even the lines?

Shut up, soldier!

You're a sorry excuse
for a human being!

Scene!

Whoo-hoo!

Groups two and three?

You have advanced
to Evan polus' class!

Whoo!

Drewy, we smashed it!

Uccellini!

Suckers!

Tomorrow, 2:00.

Everyone coming with me.

I got work in the morning.

Drew, are you sure?

Positive.

That's fine.

I'll just pick
something up for him.

Tout's presh.

Move.

Uccellini!

Okay, okay. I'll tell them.

- Adrian can't make it.
- Well, let's just go inside.

Honestly, I really don't
wanna wait for rubisio.

We said that we would, rowe.
We have to wait for him.

Que se dice? What's up, ladies?

Anybody up for a little game
of two on one?

Hi, rubisio.
You're looking nice today.

Well, thank you, Hannah.

You look mighty fine
yourself, woman.

Come on.
Let's go get our shop on.

Wait, wait, wait.

I'm not giving
these little rats a dime.

Rats?

How can you say no
to those girls?

They're so precious.

They stand right outside
the entrance,

pressuring everyone
with their hard sale tactics.

Rubisio, they're kids.

They are not employing tactics
to move cookies.

Hello. Would you like to buy
some cookies for charity?

Que se dice, little lady?

We'd love to, but unfortunately
our friend here

can't be within 100 feet
of children.

What? No, no, no, no.
That's not true.

- Tell her that's not true!
- It is true.

I'm so sorry.
That's not true at all.

That's not cool at all!
What are you doing?

Hey, shut up.
I saved you 7 bucks.

Where the fuck is chance?

Chance!

This place is gross.

That's not very nice.

You know, you gotta stop
being such a bully.

You guys ready?

Yeah. I'll take the bacon burger
with no lettuce.

And your choice
of a house salad,

regular or sweet potato fries.

I'll take the house salad.

Okay. And you?

Yes, I'm gonna enjoy
the Turkey burger

and Caesar salad, please.

Great, and I'm pretty sure
they're out of the grape soda,

so is cola okay?

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

- Who said grape, drew?
- Chill.

She probably got you confused
with somebody else.

Chill? Look, man,

the day my skin color
does not dictate

the fallacious assumptions
of ignorant individuals

is the day i will chill, brotha.

That sounds like something
i heard last February.

Now we're hating on
black history month?

All this over a purple drink.

How many goddamn times
do I have to tell you

we have an appointment to do
our headshots right fucking now?

- I do not remember.
- What do you expect?

Me to just float up
onto that horse, you fuckface?

Get your ostrich ass
out of this thrift store

and into the urine-filled
streets now!

If I hit something,
you're dead meat.

Now, look, I don't care
how long this takes.

You were late,
so now you're gonna pay.

Now are you ready?

Hold on. Let me warm up.

Yeah!

- Okay.
- Why don't you check your lens?

Is it even working?

We're done.

- Why are we shopping here?
- I'm a struggling actor.

I can't afford anything else.

You're not an actor.
You're an idiot.

Cool, I'm an idiot.

Freeze, pervert!
Put your hands up in the air!

- What did I do?
- Grab him, rookie.

It's on now. Come here!

My god! Why are you so big?

Shut up, you little pervert!

I literally didn't do anything!

Tell them!
Tell them I didn't do anything!

Get your ass
up against this bike.

You lie to us one more time,
and you will be tased!

- I never lied.
- Put him on the ground, rookie!

Absolutely.

Yeah!

You think it's funny?

- No! No!
- You think it's funny?

Do you think it's funny?

You're too tight!

It's too tight, sir!

Too tight? How 'bout this?

My god! My god!

You think it's funny?

Enough, rookie!

Enough!

Bacon burger with a salad.

Thank you very much.

Fried chicken, burnt pork
and sweet potato fries.

Fried chicken?
I ordered a salad.

I thought you said
sweet potato...

Salad.

We don't have
sweet potato salad.

Free at last, my black ass.

This is bullshit.

Okay?

You eat the chicken wing.

Sir, I didn't even know
half fingers were included.

Just like you didn't think
acting like a pedophile

was against the law?

- Sir, I didn't...
- You didn't? You didn't?

Well, now you know, Mary.

If I ever see you blink
in the direction of a child,

you will be tased,
no questions asked.

Are we clear, Mary?

- Mary?
- Are we clear?

Yes, sir.

Now get out of my face,

and get out
of the shopping center.

God! What the fuck?
What the fuck? My god!

You did good, rookie.

You made him run
like a little bitch.

- Hey, you.
- Hannah, hey.

I got you two medium shirts,

one blue and one purple.

I figured they'd look
good on you. I...

I hope you like them.

Thank you.

My gosh,
you didn't have to do that.

- Wow. These are nice.
- Yeah.

Um, can you just...

Yeah.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

So how did...

Um...

My aunt has an equestrian farm,

and one day i was practicing...

My uncle's tractor backfired
and spooked the horse.

Wow.

I fell and, um...

I pretty much lost the sensation
in the right side of my body.

I get pissed off
when my leg falls asleep?

That's not what I meant.
I'm sorry.

- I'm so sorry that happened.
- No, it's okay.

What about you, drew Thomas?

I finished law school
last spring.

You're a lawyer?

Well, not exactly.

I'm a minimum wage telemarketer
until I can pass the bar.

Then what are you doing
at starmaker academy?

Thank you for calling
grove your Booty,

revolutionary backside workout

paired with all your
favorite groovy tunes.

Yeah, is this the machine
for to make my ass so fly?

Yes, and for calling right now
it can also...

You know if it works or not?

'Cause like I used to have
a Jennifer Lopez ass.

I could shake it like, you know,
Shakira on crack, you dig?

Fools used to get all sprung
when I walked by, you dig?

We here at groovy Booty
promise results

in just 15 minutes a day
for 30 days.

No! Get out. For real though?

Yeah, yeah for real.
Money-back guarantee.

Before you know it,

your husband will be
getting all sprung again.

Who said nothing
'bout no husband?

Now let me tell you something,
silver spoon boy.

We ain't all chillin',
eating caviar,

drinking red Merlot.

You dig?

I said you dig?

Yes, ma'am.

What I get for free?

You all walked in here
below average at best.

But let me tell you,

by the time
I'm finished with you,

you'll have seen more red carpet

than the streets
have seen urine.

Now, to my new students,

it's simple.

You just do exactly
what I tell you to do

and how I tell you to do it.

Okay, let's just take it up a
notch, have a bit of fun here.

Who can we get?
Nikki, why don't you come up?

Give me that.

You have just returned
from the war.

While you were in combat,
you stumbled on a land mine.

It exploded,
killing three in your infantry,

but luckily, you survived,

but not before it blew off
both your legs, all right?

Take that.

You're a war hero, Nikki.

But your fianc�,
he can't stand the sight of you.

He's told you
that he doesn't love you

without your beautiful feet

and your pretty little
tippy toes.

You are devastated.

He's gonna leave you, Nikki,
so talk to him.

Now, whenever you're ready.

Why?

Tommy, why?

I loved you, and not just for
your hair or your eyes.

I loved all of you!

And what, because I don't have
regular feet or ankles or knees,

you're leaving me?

See, look at this.
See, you see this?

Now, this is, this is beautiful.

This is fant...
You're blowing me away, baby.

Nikki, you're blowing
everybody away.

Stay in the moment, darling,
stay in the moment.

I loved you!

- You are so fucking beautiful.
- Thank you.

What the... Rachel!
What the fuck is going on here?

- It's not like that at all.
- It's not what you think.

What do you mean?
It's exactly what I think!

You guys...
You're my sister! Rachel!

What the...
You told me you loved me!

You said you loved me!
Are you serious?

That's disgusting!
Why would you do that to me?

I fucking hate my life!
Honestly! Fuck you!

Hey, fuck nuts, get up there,
sit next to your fianc�,

who you so haphazardly
kicked to the curb.

Go on! Get up there.

Tell her why you can't
stand the sight of her.

Beautiful, darling, beautiful.

Why? Tell me why!

You wimp.

It's...

It's not that I don't
love you, baby.

It's just, i live on the beach.

What does that have to do
with you leaving me,

you selfish bastard?

What, now that you live
on the beach,

I'm not good enough
for your beach friends?

No. I mean,
it's just all the sand.

I'm not strong enough
to push the wheelchair.

I'm but a 110 pounds is all.

Do you think this is good,
newbie?

I don't know. I'm trying.

Well, it's fucking terrible.

Take him outside.
Warm his ass up.

Shit.

Okay, so how does this work?
What are you gonna do?

What the fuck?

Come on, dude! It's too tight!
Ouch! I can't breathe!

Get off me! Get the fuck...

I'm not dumping you
because you lost your legs.

I'm leaving you because you've
been sleeping with my sister,

you unfaithful whore!

Here we go.

You don't think I saw you
with her in the garage?

I was in love with you.

I was gonna take off this purity
ring and become one with you.

But no! You betrayed me!

Selfish bitch.

That never happened.

Shut your mouth, Rachel!
This is my turn!

Unleash the beast,
you son of a bitch!

Time to kill!

The doctor said
you lost both your legs,

but he forgot to mention
the most important part of you

lost forever.

Your heart!

Scene.

Beautiful. Beautiful!

You see, everyone?
You noticed that?

I eliminated his fear
and allowed the adrenaline

to unleash the brilliant
acting beast inside of him.

Nobody can teach this.

Of course
that's why you're here.

You're not gonna make it
in this business without me.

You really blew me away.

Guys, hush, please, for a sec.

I'd just like to say,

rowe, what you had tonight
was a breakthrough.

Thanks, guys.

Here's to everybody shutting up
already and drinking.

Salud, bitches!

Wait, wait, wait.
Before we all cheers this shit,

when we all become stars,
what are you guys gonna do?

I think I'll go to Milan,
start my own boutique.

I guess I'm next.
Here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna play the field
for a while,

and then once I hit it big,

I'm gonna get Lulu back
'cause she's my rock.

Check this out.
I'm gonna buy a clydesdale

and ride that bitch
across the rockies.

How 'bout you, Hannah?

What I'd really like is to find
a guy that would love me for me.

One day you're gonna
find that guy, and when you do,

he's going to be
the luckiest guy in the world.

That's a promise, hotty-potatty.

Please, can we just toast
before we puke?

Idiot.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Your hair is like,
it's like blonde silk, you know?

It's like so smooth like water,

like cascading over the...

My god, it smells like heaven.

Nikki.

Look. Creeper boy is back.

Lucky for you, i gotta go potty.

Naked pictures?

Same face, different body.
Really?

It's not me.

So I could just go online,
check 'em out.

Is that how you look
at naked girls?

You go on the Internet?

Damn, you got me.

How could a little boy like you
deal with a woman like me?

Que se dice, my Nikki?

You up for a little game
of two on one?

Rubisio.

Hey, drew?

What?

Go fuck yourself.

I'm gonna tell you what's
gonna happen here, Nikki.

What's gonna happen here, drew?

We're gonna take these shots,

and we're gonna
go back to my house.

How do you know
i even like you like that?

Whoa! Who said anything
about liking anybody?

Maybe I just wanna
run a scene with you.

Yeah? What kind of scene
is that, drew-hoo?

Think that hurt you?
You have no idea.

Take this off.

Company policy clearly states

no more than three inches
above the knee.

You, young lady, have no excuse

because I suspect
you are quite experienced

in measuring things by the inch.

Get out.

Shit.

Deboard.

Rrrrr...

Choo-choo.

You wanted to see me, Kathy?

Do you know why we have
a schedule here, drew?

I believe so.

I don't think you do

because if you did, you'd show
up to work every day on time,

just like all those other
little worker bees out there.

Sorry, Kathy,
it won't happen again.

You're right, it won't because
this is your final warning.

After that,
you'll be out on the streets,

probably turning tricks
just to pay your rent.

Do you know what it's like
to sell your body for sex, drew?

Pants around your ankles

in a dirty bathroom
somewhere downtown.

In this economy, you'll be lucky
to get 20 bucks a blow.

You know what? I quit.

You know what? I quit.

I'm taking this!

Psycho!

You wanna be a star,
you dumb fuck,

then answer my calls.

I know what you're doing.

I know you're
on your set, right?

Making your fucking movie.

You get your pampered-wearing
ass back to class,

or I'm gonna toss you into
the urine-filled streets

for the last time.

Yeah! Can you breathe?

- Yeah, I can breathe.
- No, no.

Now! Can you breathe now?

- Yeah, I can still breathe.
- I bet you can't. You're lying.

You little bitch.
You like being my bitch?

No, I don't.

You don't like being my bitch?
How about an ear?

You like that, motherfucker?
You like that?

You like that?

- You like that?
- Stop.

Yeah? You warm yet,
you little bitch?

I'm warm, I'm warm!

Go and unleash your beast,
motherfucker.

Hey, drew.

- What?
- Go fuck yourself.

Rose, you must do me this honor.

You must do me this honor.

No matter what happens,

you have to promise me
to survive.

How hopeless you may be,

you have to promise
you'll hold onto that promise.

I promise. I promise.

Never let go.

Never let go.

I'll never let go, Jack.

I'll never let go.

You see that, folks?
Did you see that?

That is a big, dark
academy award-winning cloud,

looming right there
over their heads.

Well, get your umbrellas out.

It's about to rain
a fucking Oscar!

All right! Scene! Yes!

Beautiful.

All right, guys, well,
everyone...

Important announcement.

Showcase is in one week.

This is a million-dollar
opportunity.

I want you all to contribute
to each other's success,

help each other,
get behind each other,

root for each other.

I want you to tell
all your friends and family.

I want to pack this place
to the rafters.

I wanna really
get the adrenaline flowing.

I want it to be really fantastic
for you guys.

So I want you all
to bring in $50 tomorrow

to help offset my cost
for the showcase, okay?

Sir, $50 is a lot of money
for me to spend right now.

What?

Sorry, did I hear that right?

So you're gonna throw away your
whole career, worth millions,

for a measly $50?

Is that what you're telling
all the class here?

You wanna quit?

No, sir, that's not
what I meant.

You know, I've given up
millions of dollars as an actor.

I've suffered through
four very painful divorces

for your ungrateful asses.

You know, I was offered
the lead in amadeus.

All right, it was the tour.

I turned it down for my students
because I love them!

And what do you do?

You kick me right in the teeth
for 50 fucking dollars!

Like your character, rose,

as you were doing it
moments ago,

when you were promising
your young toy boy,

"I'll never let you go!
Woo hoo hoo!

"I'll never let you go!
Never let you go!" What?

Then the bitch lets him go
to the fucking ocean floor!

Grammy no gonna give no money.
No piggy bank, no.

Jesus, take a knife.

Yes.

Besides our scene and the money,

is there anything else
we need to, you know, prepare?

Thank you for asking
an intelligent question.

Yes.

You need to find
the beast inside you,

and you need to
unleash the hell out of it.

You see, this is your one chance
to take Hollywood by storm,

so I want you to get
all your shit together,

and I want you to really
blow these people away!

I want you
to blow everyone away.

Come on, people,
unleash your beast!

There! That's it!
That's brilliant!

He's the king!

You have just earned yourself
a lead in the showcase.

Whoo! Uccellini!

He is now your king!
He's in charge!

Evan is outta here!

I'm in charge,

which basically means
I'm the boss.

We'll be meeting here
tomorrow at 7:00, capisce?

How about we all decide

what time is best for
the class, fuckface?

Hey, it's been decided.

Be here at 7:00,
or your little ass

is out of the showcase and
into the urine-filled streets.

Capisce?

Yeah, come in.

Sir, I have a concern

burning in my bosom.

Well, I have a concern

that you're just one thrust away

from throwing out every disc
in your lower back,

but I'm don't come barging
into your office, now, do I?

They've had less than
one month of training.

Don't you think
it's a little early for them

to be exposed
to producers and agents?

For Pete's sake.
What, their careers?

I'm dealing with, what, autism

and 80-year-olds
drooling on my carpet.

We've got degenerates here.

They're not degenerates.

They're individuals
with hopes and dreams

just like everyone else.

I've even got one that can't
manipulate 50% of her body.

Her name is Hannah.

And she's beautiful
and talented.

So you tell that to the director
of horse whisperer ii

when he calls to say,

"Hannah couldn't hold the reins
of the stunt horse

with one hand."

Do you really think
that's gonna help her career?

- Well, do you?
- Evan!

I don't know what you're saying.
Frankly, I don't care.

This is a very nice scotch.

I'm sitting here
enjoying myself,

so why don't you
take your little cushion

and ram it up your ass?

Yes! I got the part
of the queen.

- That's the lead part.
- Congratulations.

Thank you.

Looks like I got the old
knight in shining armor.

Cool.

Que se dice, my lovely Nikki?

Since you're playing the queen,

you'll have more lines with me
than anyone else.

Really? Why is that?

I don't know, Juliet.

Who do you think would be
the logical philigistic

for the queen
to have conversilagism?

- That's not even a word.
- A king.

Well, I'm a knight
in shining armor,

and I'd take that any day

over being an ignorant,
uneducated, lazy king.

My god, guys, please.

That's perfect.

Then why don't you make like the
cute little knight that you are

and find something to do
with your time, my brotha?

Because the king and the queen
have a lot of work to do.

Come on, Nikki.

Uccellini!

Motherfucker.

- Hey.
- Hey, Hannah.

- You did a great job tonight.
- Thanks.

I'll catch up with you
later, okay?

Are you okay, drew?

Yup. Top of the world.

En garde!

Not today, hansel.

The lover's identity
has been resurrected.

Where'd you get Nikki's ID?

She's probably gonna need this.

I should probably
take it back to her, right?

Ooh, yeah.

Now your ass a little bit.

Yeah.

Now look at me
and say, "uccellini."

Uccellini.

God, you're so good.

Baby, put your leg up
on the couch right there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ooh.

Damn, that looks good.

Move the robe a little bit.

Why?

What?

Just move the robe.

Yeah. Ooh.
The shoulder, I like it.

Hey, people.

People.

Hey! Shut up!

The director's talking.

Shouldn't we wait for Nikki
to get here?

Nikki's gonna be a little late.

Really? Why is that, rubisio?

Sorry. Hi. What's up?

I don't know, Nikki.
Why don't you tell me?

I thought you weren't
that type of girl.

I can't do this. I'm done.

Hey, where you going?

Drew, don't bail on us.
We need you.

Yeah, I thought we were
all in this together.

Where you going?

Okay. The only reason I joined
this class is to bang her.

Apparently, she's a whore.

For the rest of you,

granny, what are you,
90 years old?

Wake up.

And you?

You can barely
complete a sentence.

Talking to you is like
dealing with a crack baby.

I don't wanna say not no drugs.

And what,
a fashion designer and a geek

take over
the entertainment business?

And you, little guy,

I don't know
if you got the memo,

but they already
shot the movie Willow.

Yeah. You're about
20 years too late.

You might wanna see if Santa's
still hiring for the season.

Check that out.

With your pterodactyl arms...

Who's my bitch now?

- Hey, drew?
- What?

Go fuck yourself.

Starmaker academy's a joke.

We're all bigger jokes
for being here.

And everybody knows
you're not Italian.

Yes, I am.

I am Italian. Nikki?

Give it up.

Guys, what the fuck
is wrong with...

Sounds like that little Betty
did you dirty, bro.

Another dude in the same week?

That's why I hit and quit.

No emotions involved, my friend.

Hey, can I get you
something to drink?

Shit.

You again? Well, yes.

I'll have a cabernet sauvignon.

- Vodka, please, double.
- Okay.

You know, Nate,
it'd be one thing

if she hooked up
with another guy.

Rubisio? He's just so gross.

Hey, look, I knew it.
I got the gift, my friend.

The gift?

Yes, the gift of intuition.

We could've had
an oreo cookie, brother.

- Nikki's white.
- I don't give a shit. I'm black.

Okay, so I got one double vodka

and one straight cognac

with a splash of jungle juice
and a watermelon wedge.

Watermelon?
Fuck is jungle juice, man?

Come forth.

Hi, hansel.

Um, is drew here?

He is without presence.

Does that mean he's not here?

Do you know when he'll be back?

I do not.

I also do not know who you are.

This is Hannah.
She's part of our acting class.

I extend my right hand,
and she offers her left.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I can't use my right side
of my body.

Because you choose not to move
this side of your body.

No, actually,
it's not by choice.

A beautiful girl
who is a nonconformist.

The magnitude
of such copious assertion

is far too sagacious
for me to comprehend.

Therefore, I hesitate
to articulate

with any degree of accuracy.

Wait.

I worked my ass off to be
the best actor in this biz,

but I can't change who I am.

I can't change
the way I was born.

I think you just need
to stay positive, Teddy.

How do you know there's not
a movie being written right now

about a leading man
who's also a little person?

What does that have
to do with anything?

I'm talking about dealing with
the backlash of discrimination.

Well, as a little person, right?

No, you idiot, as a homosexual.

- Shit!
- Okay, all right.

When I first started,
i was a total basket of nerves,

but then I just let
the adrenaline take over

and unleashed my beast,
just like Evan taught us.

God, you guys. I-i gotta go.

- What?
- My ex. My ex is in there.

I can't deal with this
right now.

I think I know
what you need, Teddy.

Let me go.

Yeah? Tell me to let you go,

or I'll hold you like this
all day, woman.

Let go of me, you asshole.

I'm warm, I'm warm.

Freeze, pervert!

You have three seconds
to put that child down

or you will be tased!

You again?

Shit. No! What? No!

First, girl scouts,
now little handicapped boys?

What? No!

You are sicker than I thought,
you sick little pervert!

Teddy, tell them.
It's a misunderstanding.

Officers, I'm 26 years old.

He's just helping me so I could
go inside and blow 'em away.

- What?
- Sweet Jesus.

It's okay, little boy.

You don't have
to blow anyone today.

I'm not a little boy.

You can go shove that
up your black ass.

God! Teddy, are you okay?

Step back or you will be tased!

- Who are you?
- My name is Hugo.

What the hell
are you doing here?

I was inside just having
my normal vanilla nut latte,

skinny girl edition,

and I saw this beast
manhandling my little Teddy.

Are you this little boy's
father?

No. He use to be my lover.
He was amazing.

He would get to places
you never...

My god.

You know your friends are gonna
be at that showcase tonight.

- Apparently.
- You're supposed to be there.

What do you think they're gonna
say when you don't even show up?

- How do you think they'll feel?
- Who cares?

Anything else?

No, thanks.

Look, that's messed up, drew.

If you say
you're gonna do something,

then, man, you gotta do it.

All your peeps
are gonna be there

while you're sitting
at a dive bar.

Come on.

Let's go.

I'll take my watermelon.

Little boy,
I'll be right back for you.

We will find your parents
today, sweetheart.

Don't either of you
move a muscle!

- Let's go, rookie.
- You gonna pin me down?

I unleash beast.
Let's go! Hurry up!

I no wanna miss showcase.

You guys just go without me.
I can never keep up.

Yeah, right.
Let's saddle up, dudes.

My god, Teddy!
What the hell is happening?

Stop being such a queen.
I'll be fine. Leave me alone.

- Where are you going?
- I'm going to the showcase.

- I gotta unleash my beast.
- Where are you taking him?

Shut up, Hugo.

Don't you die on me!

Okay, I don't even know
how to turn this thing on.

Honestly, I never driven
one of these.

I've never even
ridden a bicycle. Shit!

Ladies and gentleman,
please allow me to introduce

the one and the only
star-studded ensemble,

I give to you...

The starmaker academy!

Once upon a time
in a land far, far away

lived a very selfish king.

I am both intelligent
and handsome.

Are there any men
greater than me, my loves?

Your greatness
goes unparalleled, my love.

You are the greatest king
in all the land.

And that is why I shall
wed even more wives.

A male specimen of this caliber

shall not be hoarded
by merely three women,

for I desire more wives.

May we ask that you
not take another lover,

for we are beginning to feel
like just a number, my love?

Asshole.

Heidi, my queen,

you have always been
the quiet one in the group.

I suggest you keep quiet,

or I'm gonna toss your ass
out of this castle

and into
the urine-filled streets.

Cold.

Why don't you have
a car again, Nate?

You might find it funny, drew,
but the environment is no joke.

Let me get off this thing.
Fucking segues.

One of the king's guardsmen
appears,

bearing news
of a recent discovery.

King rubisio,
Grant thy servant Liberty

to speak freely
to thy greatness.

Yes, my guardsman, but first,

who is the most handsome king
in all of the land?

You are, king rubisio.

Though my gate does not swing
in that direction,

I am confident enough
to compliment.

Why have you come bothering me
and my lucky concubines?

Your warriors have returned,
good sir.

They have come
bringing you a new wife.

Send them in, my guardsman.

Hello, my good king.

We've returned from our travels
and brought to you

the beautiful woman
in all of the land.

Whoa. I thought I was
the most beautiful queen.

Silence!

Hold this.

Bring forth the prisoner
and let me examine her myself.

Well, what do you think?

Is this object of affection
pretty enough

for the king of all kings?

Pretty enough?
Are you serious, rubisio?

Hannah's way too hot for you.

She doesn't deserve
a jerk like you.

Shut up, you idiot.
That's not part of the scene.

Tell it to someone who cares.

Warriors, come forth
and put this moron in the hole,

for he has shown
great disrespect.

I will wed
this prisoner of love.

I shall make her
my concubine immediately.

Bring forth the priest.

Que se dice, my reverend.

Good day to you, my king.

What a beautiful young bride
thee has selected.

You are a lucky king.

I am a deserving king.

Now begin the ceremony,

for I am growing increasingly
anxious to bed down my new wife.

Please, king, have mercy on me,

for I love another man.

It is he I wish to live happily
ever after with, not you.

Silence!

You are now mine,
and you will forever be mine.

Continue with the ceremony now.

If no one objects to these two
wedding this day...

Unhand her!

Unhand my beautiful wife,
you filthy king,

for I have traveled a fortnight

to fend off this ferocious king.

But now as I stand before you,
you are no king,

for you are an insecure coward.

Enough.

I said enough.

Shut up!

What are you guys doing?

That's not even
part of the scene.

You're gonna ruin this shit.

I now declare
each and every one of you

a free member in society.

Live and let live.

Shall we rejoice?

Come forth and fight me
for your love.

Ooh!

Come fight me
for what you think you deserve!

Uccellini!

Hansel.

Thank you, kind sir.

What the fuck, drew?

Go fuck yourself.

You know jujitsu?

This is meditative
mixed martial arts.

Now relax.

Eee!

Yeah!

And it came to pass,

hansel had defeated
the evil king.

The darkness had moved out
and made way for the sunshine.

A new day has arrived!

The end!

What are you doing?

Hugo, baby,
thank you so much for coming.

Teddy, that was glorious.

I swear, I believed
you were a lumberjack.

- Really?
- My goodness.

It was just...

I told you that class
is like amazing.

I didn't mean to hurt you.
I really didn't.

- I forgive you.
- Yeah?

The point is
that you're here now.

Yeah, all right.

You just mean so much to me,
honestly, like...

Hey, you all have three seconds
to get on the ground

or you will be tased!

- No one move!
- Him again.

- What's your explanation, boy?
- I have no explanation!

And who's this young lady
behind you?

- She's my girlfriend.
- Don't lie to me, boy!

You can't get something
that hot!

I swear to god.
She's my girlfriend. Tell him!

- I don't know him.
- What the fuck?

- How much did you pay her?
- It's on, it's on.

All rise for
the honorable judge Martinez.

These geniuses were
charged with Grand Theft Auto.

Luckily for them,
I finally passed the bar exam.

You may be seated.

Hey, drew. Tell the judge
to go fuck himself.

No, don't do that.
Don't tell him that.

Hello, your honor.
In today's case, 1009,

the people versus
starmaker academy,

we'd like to enter
a plea of not guilty.

And had them demoted.

I know!

It's all because of you.

This is all your fault,
we're in this situation.

- I told you, I told you.
- This one's no good.

Boulevard horny,
scene donkey dick, take three.

Teddy finally got
his anger under control...

Hey.

Once he found his true calling.

Okay, I think he's ready.
Let's bring in the real talent.

I am the real talent.

- No, no, no, no.
- Are you ready for me, big boy?

I think he's still too cold.

I want you to take his ass
outside and warm it up.

Time to warm your ass up,
bitch boy.

That dick looks good
on you, girl.

And action!

And rubisio?

Well, let's just say
Karma is alive and well.

Hey, Charles,

I think we just found
the new face for our company.

Nikki morehead. Find her.

Nikki became
the official spokesmodel

for non-virgin airlines.

Hannah! I thought
we were meeting at sag.

Yeah, I figured I'd pick you up.
That way we can carpool.

- Besides, I missed you.
- Thanks, babe.

All in all, I'd call this
a happy ending.

Even for Nate.