Original subtitles

- How about chinese for lunch?

- I had chinese for breakfast. Sunset room?

- Well, how about the pizzarriba?

- We always go to pizzarriba.

- I like pizzarriba.

- Just tell me where I'm going.

- Rock, paper, scissors.

- I win. - What are you talking about?

You have a rock. I have scissors.

Scissors cut rock.

- Scissors don't cut rock.

- Where do you think pebbles come from, hmm?

Fine. Let's do it again.

I win.

- What?! Scissors cut paper.

- This isn't paper. - What is it?

- It's a karate chop to your face. Hyah!

Ohh! Hyah!

[smacking and grumbling]

[bell jingling]

- Oh, I love chinese. I haven't had it since breakfast.

Captioning made possible by warner bros. Animation

- Ugh. Too much orange chicken.

Have you ever met an orange chicken?

- Ooh! - What?

- It's the year of the pig.

Wow. This is my year.

- What are you talking about?

- The chinese astrological calendar.

Every year is represented by a different animal,

And this year? It's me.

It's the year of the pig.

- Oh, porky. A year of good fortune.

- When's the year of the duck?

- Uh, I don't see a year of the duck.

- Give me that.

There's a year of the pig,

There's a year of the rabbit,

And no year of the duck?

How is this possible?

They've got a year of the monkey,

A year of the rooster.

A rat? There's a year of the rat?

Why not ducks?

Does everybody hate ducks?

- Nobody hates ducks.

- That's easy for you to say.

You're beloved.

- Oh, I wouldn't say beloved.

- Oh, really? Ever hear of the expression, "pigs in a blanket?"

- That's not an expression. It's a food.

- Yeah, a delicious food

That you would pig out on,

Another popular expression, by the way.

- Daffy, you're overreacting.

- Oh, really, mr. "lucky rabbit's foot?"

Star of the popular fable, "the tortoise and the hare?"

Ducks have nothing.

- Uh, what about "duck, duck, goose?"

That's a popular kids' game.

- Oh, you mean the one that's super boring

Until you say the word "goose?"

- Isn't there a children's book about a duck?

- Oh, you mean "the ugly duckling?"

Thanks a lot, bugs.

- Well, there's got to be something.

- Yeah, "sitting duck."

Waiting around to get killed

So that you can become a "dead duck,"

Which is probably an improvement,

Considering, up till now,

You've spent your entire life

As a "lame duck."

[footsteps approaching]

- Ooh, fortune cookies.

"happiness and prosperity are just around the corner."

That sounds good.

"you are charming and well liked."

Well, not really a fortune,

More like an observation.

- Ecch! Ecch! Ecch!

Did your guys' cookies taste like paper?

This is the reason I've never succeeded at anything,

Because people don't like ducks.

- I think it's because people don't like you.

- No way.

If it's between me and the other guy

To become partner at the law firm,

They're gonna pick the other guy

Solely because I'm a duck.

- And also, you're not a lawyer.

- And why do you think that is?

- Because you're lazy?

- Because I am a duck,

And people don't like ducks.

- Hey, guys. I brought in your mail.

- It looks like you opened it, too.

- Well, I got bored between the mailbox and the front door.

It's mostly bills, but I think you're gonna like this one.

They want you to host this year's

Royal oaks, glen oaks, oakwood oaks beauty pageant.

- Why me?

- Well, it says here "because you are charming and well licked."

- That's "liked."

- Ok, well, you don't have to brag.

- I don't want to host a beauty pageant.

- Bugs, it's a lot more than just a beauty pageant.

It's a competition that awards scholarships to young women.

Come on. All you have to do

Is show up and say, "and the winner is."

It's the easiest job in the world.

- Eh, ok.

How do you know about all this anyway?

- I was a contestant 2 years ago,

But then I was disqualified because of my talent.

- What was your talent?

- Lion taming. -You know how to tame lions?

- Not very well.

I'd say I'm probably just below average.

- Unbelievable!

I've read the entire internet,

And there's not one positive thing about ducks anywhere.

Lola, what do you think about ducks?

- I don't know. Why?

- Because I'm a duck.

- What? I always thought you were a crow. Are you sure?

Aren't ducks the ones

With those big beaver teeth and that big beaver tail?

- Those are beavers.

- So, you're a beaver?

[daffy sighs]

- Forget it.

[door opens and slams]

[lola whistles]

- Yo, that is one touchy beaver.

- Why, I remember--

I say, I remember when it was the year of the rooster.

Why, that was the year

That everything changed for me.

Before that, I was just a cock-a-doodle-do-nothing on a farm,

And look at me now.

[chuckling]

- What does that have to do with ducks?

- Oh, right. Ducks.

[intercom beeps] carol, bring me the latest animal popularity index.

- What's the animal popularity index?

- It's a list--I say, a list of every animal

Ranked in order of popularity.

Hmm.

I say, hmm.

- Ducks are ranked 64th?

- I'm afraid--I say, I'm afraid ducks have an image problem, son.

What you need is some good pr.

- Ooh, that sounds good.

I haven't had a peanut butter and ranch sandwich in forever.

Would you mind, hon?

I don't need a beverage.

- No, pr. Public relations.

Influence public opinion.

And based on that, we're gonna have to do a lot of influencing.

What to do.

I say, what to do.

[music playing]

[gasps] that's it!

We're gonna get you on "tit for tat."

Carol, get in here.

- What's "tit for tat?"

- It's the most-watched news program in the country.

You'll make the case for ducks

To all of america.

- Hmm. Daffy duck as the lead spokesperson

For an entire species.

I like it.

- Carol, get the producers of "tit for tat"

On the line.

- Yes, sir.

[daffy eating noisily]

- Eww. Too much "r."

- Hey, bun-bun. How's it coming?

- How's what coming?

- Your opening monologue for the pageant?

- Monologue? I thought all I had to do

Was show up and say, "and the winner is."

- Right. After the monologue.

And the big musical number,

With all that complicated choreography.

Oh, and then, there's the duet

Which also has a lot of complicated choreography.

Oh, you gotta be ready to vamp

In case the wardrobe changes go long?

And they always go long.

Oh, then, of course, there's the big finale,

Which has the most complicated choreography of all

And sometimes a stunt.

Last year's host got shot out of a cannon.

- He got shot out of a cannon?

- Well, not successfully.

That's why they needed a new host.

It's a thankless job, bugs.

I don't know why you agreed to do it.

[door opens]

[bell rings]

[band playing]

- Pinky, congratulations.

You are my 1 millionth customer.

You win a year's supply of free pizza

And half of the dessert.

- Wow! I guess it really is the year of the pig.

- Porky's a pig?

I always thought he was a seal.

- Are you sure--I say, are you sure you're ready?

Well, this old boy ain't afraid to ask the tough questions.

- I have all the answers I need right here.

- Ok, uh, exactly--I say, exactly what contribution

Have ducks made to society?

- That's a good question, elmo.

- I believe his name is elmer.

- Elmer? Hmm. I'd better write that down.

Uh, carol, do you have my pre-show pr sandwich?

Don't ever let her go.

[munching] mmm.

Now she put too much "p."

You gotta get rid of her.

- We're on in 5.

[daffy slurping]

- Good luck.

- I don't need luck. I've got these.

[both gasp]

- And action. - Ohh!

- Good evening. I'm elmer fudd.

Welcome to another edition of "tit for tat."

Tonight's topic: Ducks.

Here to tell us why we should care

Daffy duck.

Daffy, welcome to the program.

- Thanks for having me, elvis.

- Let's get started.

Exactly what contribution have ducks made to society?

- Uh, um, uh.

Pass. - What?

- Give me another question.

- Ok, uh.

- Bring the car around front, carol.

- You believe that ducks are viewed unfavorably.

Do you have any proof of this?

- I'd like to phone a friend.

- What? - I'd like to buy a vowel.

- What are you talking about?

- I'm gonna go ahead and spin again, pat.

- Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Argh!

[both screaming]

- Ugh.

Why didn't you open the sunroof, carol?

- You really gotta get rid of her. Ugh.

- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

And welcome to the royal oaks,

Glen oaks, oakwood oaks beauty pageant.

Ahem. I don't know about our contestants,

But I slept like a log last night.

Literally.

I woke up in the fireplace.

[shuffles cards]

Ahem.

Uh, good-looking audience we've got here tonight.

I look forward to seeing you all

During the swimsuit portion of the competition.

[shuffles cards]

Because there's a swimsuit portion.

The audience doesn't actually put on swimsuits?

- Yeah. No, we get it.

- Ohh! What about the joke where--

- Porky, please.

I know you think this is your "year," but let me--

- No, I want to hear it.

- Ahem.

I flew all the way in from new york to be here.

And boy, are my arms tired.

- Ha ha ha!

[lola continues laughing]

Oh, my gosh! Oh, my goodness!

I can't breathe. Oh, his arms are tired.

Like he didn't fly on a plane.

He flew himself with his arms

Like they're wings!

He doesn't even have wings.

He's not a bird. He's a seal.

Seals can't fly.

Ha ha! Oh, it's so funny for so many reasons.

Oh, porky. Oh, porky.

Ohh! Ohh.

Yours is funny, too.

Just not as funny as porky's!

[cackling]

Oh, porky!

- Argh!

[both screaming]

This is a pr nightmare.

[daffy sighs] - tell me about it.

I mean, we're talking about 2 ingredients here.

Peanut butter and ranch.

How does she keep messing this up?

- Enough with the sandwich, boy.

Look at this. Now ducks are even less popular--

I say, less popular than they were before.

- We're below great white sharks?

They eat people.

- Oh, it's time.

- What?

- The 63rd annual royal oaks, glen oaks, oakwood oaks beauty pageant.

There are many beautiful women in the world,

But only one can be miss r.O.G.O.O.O.

- That's it.

We need a duck to win that beauty pageant.

- I've always dreamed of being miss r.O.G.O.O.O.

- Not you. We need a female duck.

- Ohh. Right.

- No way.

- Please?

- I'm not the beauty pageant type.

- Oh, of course you are.

You're constantly at the salon,

You spend hours in front of the mirror,

And you're always prancing around the house in a tiara.

- That's you.

- Well, I'd enter it if I could,

But that big, fat rooster says I can't.

So, you gotta do it.

We're in 73rd place.

- Daffy, I don't care what some poll says.

And you shouldn't either.

- That's easy for you to say.

People like you.

- Then be more likeable.

- No. That's crazy.

The only thing that makes sense

Is you winning a beauty pageant,

Which will skyrocket ducks up the animal popularity index,

Thus allowing me to enjoy respect and admiration

Without having to earn it myself.

It's a slam duck.

- You mean a slam dunk.

- What? My whole life, I thought it was "slam duck."

Ugh. Forget it.

I guess I'll just have to get used to the idea

That every time I walk into a room,

Everyone will wish a great white shark had walked in instead.

Well, guess what, people?

Great white sharks can't walk.

So, I guess you're stuck with me.

[sobbing]

- Fine, I'll do it.

- Thank you.

I can't tell you how much this means to me.

I just know you're going to win.

And then, we'll both have a tiara.

- Just remember.

When you're inside, you gotta stay curled up tight.

The tighter you are, the further you'll fly.

You want to take a practice flight?

- No, I think I'm good.

Porky, what are you doing here?

- I have a big favor to ask you.

What do you think of letting me host the pageant?

- What?

- Ever since I found out it was the year of the pig,

I've just been feeling so good.

Everything seems to be going my way.

I mean, you get opportunities like this all the time.

But this, this is my year.

This is my one shot.

[stammering] what do you say?

- Thanks for doing my makeup, lola.

I'm not very good at this stuff.

- Are you kidding? You're gonna look beautiful.

I'm keeping it real fresh and light and natural,

Just like you wanted.

You'll barely be able to tell you're wearing anything at all.

There.

- Wow.

Yeah, that's...

Uh, is there any way you could remove a few layers?

- Oh. Yeah. I can do that.

Guess someone doesn't want to win.

- When is this show going to start?

What is that?

- It's a constantly updating animal popularity index.

This way, we can see those duck rankings rise in real time.

- Wow. Impressive.

Oh, this is taking forever.

I mean, if you say you're going to start at 7:00 p.M.,

You start at 7:00 p.M.

[yelling] come on!

Start the show!

- I don't think that's helping the cause, boy.

- Uh, maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

- Porky, they're going to love you.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

Welcome to the 64th annual

Royal oaks, glen oaks, oakwood oaks beauty pageant.

And now, your host porky pig.

- You're gonna be great.

It's the year of the pig.

- Oh, it's not the year of the pig.

- What?

The year of the pig was 4 years ago.

It's the year of the rabbit.

- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

And welcome to the royal oaks,

Glen oaks, oakwood oaks beauty pageant.

- Are you sure?

- I'm positive.

- Oh! That nitwit must have read it wrong.

- If anyone should be out there hosting, it's you.

- He'll be fine.

All that astrology stuff is silly.

- You know, I flew all the way in

From new york to be here,

And boy, are my arms tired.

Ha ha ha.

[man coughing]

[man clearing throat]

[taps]

[feedback] - or maybe not so silly.

- Uh, ha ha.

A good-looking audience we've got here tonight.

I look forward to seeing you all

During the swimsuit portion of the competition.

[beeping] - ooh.

Pigs are falling fast.

They're below--I say, they're below ducks.

- Boo! Get this guy off the stage!

- Hmm. Not anymore.

- Uh, why don't we meet our contestants?

[upbeat music playing]

[applause]

- They hate me.

I thought this was the year of the pig.

How is this happening?

- Porky, there's something I need to tell you.

- You're doing great.

- What? But no one's laughing.

- No, no, no. They're laughing.

You just can't hear them from the stage.

It's--it's the acoustics.

- Are you sure? I feel like they're all scowling at me.

- No, that's the stage lights.

The shadows make smiles, you know, look like frowns.

They're smiling and they're laughing

Because you're doing great.

It's the year of the pig.

[drum roll]

That's your cue.

- Thanks, bugs.

[music starts]

[applause]

[roaring]

[whip cracking]

[applause]

- Yeah! Whoo! Ow!

- Ohh!

- Eww! - Oh, eww!

- Ohh! - Aww!

[applause]

- And now, the winner of the miss royal oaks,

Glen oaks, oakwood oaks beauty pageant is...

Michelle chen.

Congratulations, michelle.

[audience cheering]

- Ohh! Ahh.

[person whistling]

[applause]

- Congratulations. You did it.

- What are you talking about?

I didn't win.

- Yeah, but you were so beautiful and poised

And charming and elegant.

You moved ducks up 33 places.

- Well, there you go.

- Unfortunately, I brought us down 41 places.

So, overall, ducks are slightly worse off

Than they were before we started.

- So, I guess you're not going to get

That respect and admiration you wanted.

- What are you talking about?

I'll get it by hanging out with you.

Here.

- You're giving me your tiara?

- Loaning you my tiara.

Looks better on me.

- Mwah.

[explosion]

[applause]

[porky groaning]

- Thanks for the chinese food, guys.

- How you feeling?

- Pretty good.

The doctors were amazed at how fast I'm recovering.

[laughing] but I'm not surprised.

After all, it is the year of the pig.

- I thought you told me it was the year of the--ow!

Why are you kicking me?

- Did you, by any chance, get any duck sauce?

- There's a sauce named after us?

Ohh! A sweet, delicious sauce.

Why didn't anyone tell me?

- I'm sorry, but visiting hours are over.

- How about a little respect and admiration?

Ever heard of duck sauce?

Captioning made possible by warner bros. Animation

Captioned by the national captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--

- Hey, fellas. Get a load of this.

We cracked the top 10.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0