Original subtitles

Oh, hey, what's your home phone number?

The same as your home phone number.

Oh.

What are you doing?

I got a new phone.

What happened to your old phone?

Toilet. What's Porky's number?

You don't know Porky's phone number?

No, he calls me. But this way, when he calls,

I'll recognize the number, and I'll know not to answer it.

5550815.

What's his last name?

You don't know Porky's last name? It's Pig.

Pig? Are you kidding? Ha ha!

I thought that was his nickname.

That is fantastic. Pig. Pugh.

How do you spell that?

What's up, doc?

Hello there, neighbor. I'm sorry to bother you.

But would you mind signing this here petition?

What's it for?

Oh, you know. Stuff.

Sam, I don't just sign something without knowing what it is.

Hey, will you sign this?

Sure.

Come on. What about you?

What is it for?

Trying to get the courts to give me my guns back.

You're kidding.

If I get enough signatures saying that I'm a good neighbor

with no anger issues and promises to use firearms responsibly,

then they got to give me my guns back.

I wonder why they took 'em away in the first place.

Can you hold the elevator?

What do you mean I'm not tall enough to ride?

I'm a grown man!

I said dressing on the side!

I have no idea. So will you sign it?

- No. - Hmm.

So it's not even short for anything like Pigman or Pigstein?

It's just Pig?

Here's your food. And here's the bill.

I included the gratuity this time.

Salad? Since when do you eat salad?

I-I'm trying to eat healthier. I'm in training.

I-I signed up for the marathon.

The marathon? You're not athletic.

I know. B-but it's something I've always wondered

if I could do.

I know the answer to that. You can't.

I'm actually an ok runner.

Ah, prove it. Let's go outside and race.

Oh, I-I--

What, are you scared?

N-no. I'm not scared.

I thought you were a pig not a chicken.

- I am. I'm just-- - Just what?

Afraid you'll lose? Well, you will.

- Fine. - Ooh! It's on!

Who wants to come outside and watch me whip this pig in a footrace?

Huh. I guess they already know I'm going to win.

G-good race.

You may have won the battle, but I'm going to win the war.

What war?

The marathon. I'm entering it.

Oh, great. I-I'll have someone to run with.

Not great. I'm going to beat you.

I'm sure a lot of people will beat me.

I just want to finish.

You'll finish all right... Behind me.

And you'll have lost the war.

There's no war.

Oh, yes, there is.

And you just lost the first battle.

I thought you said I won the battle.

I said you won the war. But I will win the battle.

- Who won? - I did.

I'm going for a run.

Whoa! My phone!

It's got my tunes on it. Elton John's greatest hits.

Since when do you run?

Since Porky decided to turn my whole world upside down.

What are you talking about?

- Porky entered a marathon. - So?

- So he's not the jock. I am. - You're the jock?

Look, in our circle of friends, we all have our rolls.

You're the average Joe, the everyman.

Porky's the nerd, the loser.

And I'm the jock, the hunk.

That makes sense.

Can't hear ya. Elton John.

Dag gummit. Unh.

Card sarn it! Unh.

Lose something?

Give me that.

Oh. This is just the kind of thing you need a gun for.

I would've blasted that darn smoke detector to bits.

I ain't slept in 3 nights.

Every time I starts to fall asleep, beep, beep, beep.

You just need to change the battery.

Get down from there. What are you doing?

I'm taking the battery out.

No one asked for your help! Oh, great! Now I owe you one.

You got another battery?

No, I don't get another battery.

- I've got one. - No, you already done enough!

Fine. Let me know when you get one.

And I'll come over and put it in for you.

Uh-uh. I already owe you for taking it out.

I ain't gonna owe you double for putting another in.

Yosemite Sam don't like owing nothing to nobody!

What about that stack of bills?

Those are faceless corporations.

Now, what kind of cake do you like?

- What? - I'm baking you a cake to pay you back.

I don't know. Carrot?

Well, you're getting chocolate.

It's the only one I know how to make.

You're welcome.

They found him lying in the middle of the road.

He's severely dehydrated, but we're getting fluids in him.

So he should be fine.

Why'd you call me?

You were his "In case of emergency" on his cell phone.

Oh, thank goodness you're here.

I'm your "In case of emergency?"

What about Bugs?

No, no, no, no.

You're the dependable one. Cool in a crisis.

Bugs is the uptight one, the stick in the mud.

What are you talking about?

In our friendship circle, you're the dependable one.

Bugs is the uptight one. Porky's the buffoon.

And I'm the stud. Hey, you're fast, right?

I'm the fastest mouse in all of Mexico.

Can you teach me to be the fastest mouse in all of Mexico?

Or at least faster than Porky?

I doubt it. Why me?

Because you're the helpful one, the Saint.

I thought you said I was the dependable one.

No. Porky's the dependable one.

I thought Porky was the buffoon.

- No, Bugs is the buffoon. - I confused.

That's because you're not the smart one.

I'm the smart one. So will you help me?

- Fine. - I knew I could count on you.

That's why you're the stud. Now, if you'll excuse me.

I'm going to pass out.

That nitwit! Daffy, call 911!

What in tarnation are you doing here?

You didn't change the battery, did you?

- What? - Your house is on fire!

I must've left the stove on,

baking your cake.

We got to get out of here!

Eh. Wait.

Let me throw on some jeans.

No, not these. They pinch. Where's my good pair.

Ah. They're in the hamper.

Sam, we're gonna die.

Your cake!

Forget the cake!

No way. I ain't staying in debt to you.

Unh!

Hello. Hello. Yosemite. Yosemite.

Hello. It's me, Dr. Weisberg.

That was some fire. You're lucky to be alive.

Thanks to this guy. You really owe him one.

- No, no, no, no. - Unh.

Oh. Oh, hey. You know, your friend was in the other day.

- Who? - You know, your friend.

The hunk. The jock.

- Who? - Come on, the stud.

Eh, forget it.

Hey, doc, will you sign this?

Trying to get my guns back.

What are you, nuts?

Sure you don't want to reconsider?

I'm sure.

But if you need a place to say until your house is fixed...

Oh, no! I already owe you plenty.

Sam, you don't owe me anything.

I wish that were true, believe you me.

But the fact of the matter is you saved my life.

And everyone knows the only way to repay someone

who saves your life is to save theirs.

My life's not in any danger.

You don't know that.

Think I thought my life was in danger

when I went to sleep last night with the stove on,

pan full of grease next to stack of newspapers

I was thinking about recycling?

No, siree. You saved my life. So now I gots to save yours.

How about last night, huh? That Bugs is a real hero.

Bugs isn't the hero. He's the nerd.

You're really not getting this friendship circle thing.

Ok. If you're going to run a marathon,

you need endurance and proper technique.

Here, watch me.

- Like that. - Like what?

Go. So I can see it.

Are you kidding? I just did it.

I didn't see anything.

Fine. I do it again slower.

- There. - What? Go.

Ok. I go in slow motion this time.

Pay attention to my stride and my posture.

Wow. You're fast.

How come you don't enter the marathon?

Because it wouldn't be fair. If I enter, I win.

Give someone else a chance. Heh.

I guess I am the Saint. Ok. Give me a couple laps

so I can see what I'm working with.

Go.

How do I look?

Like a woman wearing high heels carrying a purse.

Oh...

How far did I go?

Like, 10 feet.

How many feet are in a marathon?

Like 137,000.

Hi, guys.

There he goes. The hunk. I'll never beat that jock.

What a stud. What a dependable, smart stud.

Aah!

- Don't worry! I'll save you! - What?

You're choking. I got to give you the heimlich.

That's not the heimlich!

I'm not sure what the heimlich is.

But I'm saving your life.

I'm not choking.

I saw you cough.

Were you watching me?

It's all I been doing. I can't sleep!

First, it was the smoke detector.

Now, it's the burden of repaying this soul-crushing debt.

You should've let me die.

I hate you.

But I will not rest until I save your life.

And then I can go back to just being your bad neighbor with anger issues.

You want to sign this again?

Sure.

Careful. There's a bunch of broken glass everywhere.

Ok. Let's see here. Today, you need 3 jumping Jacks,

1 sit up, and half a push up.

That's better than yesterday. What are you drinking?

Energy drink. Got to replace my electrolytes.

It's root beer. Man, you got to be serious about your nutrition.

You got to think of your body as a machine.

Nutrition is the fuel. What's a typical day of food for you?

Well, I start with a sensible breakfast.

- What? - A bunch of powdered sugar on a hotdog.

That's not sensible. That is insensible.

- What about lunch? - Usually turkey sandwich on wheat.

Ok. That's pretty good!

I just deep-fry that sucker

and dump a bunch of powdered sugar on top.

I'm scared to ask what you eat for dinner.

I like a big dinner. Helps me sleep.

I'll take a casserole dish, you know,

something big and deep.

Pour about 2 inches of powdered sugar in there,

a rack of baby back ribs, a layer of marshmallows.

More powdered sugar, 'til it's about ye high.

Throw that dude in the microwave for about 45 minutes,

sprinkle with powdered sugar and serve.

That's what you eat for dinner?

Well, I supplement throughout the day with these protein bars.

That's a tube of cookie dough.

Look at him go. Look at that commitment.

That's why he's the buffoon.

Hi, Mr. Bunny.

Oh, hey, gossamer. What can I do for you?

My teacher is wondering if you'd come and talk to my class

about what it's like to be a hero.

Oh, sure. When will you--

Aah!

Now we're even Steven.

What are you talking about?

Well, you were about to get eaten by a monster.

That's gossamer. He's our neighbor. And he's 9 years old.

So I didn't just save your life?

No. Put him down!

You help me get my guns back?

My mom says I'm not allowed to talk to you.

How about one more?

Careful. There's a big net out here.

Hello.

Hey, Porky.

Oh, hey, Bugs. What's up?

I have a favor to ask of you.

Anything.

I need you to hit me with your car.

Come on, touch your toes.

I can't.

Flexibility is the key to a proper stride.

You got to get your hamstring stretched out.

This is as far as I can go.

Are y-you sure about this?

Don't worry. Someone's going to save me before you actually hit me.

Oh, I see you.

Ok. Good. Now I'm going to enter the intersection.

But don't slow down. It's got to look real.

It's burning.

I bet that stud Porky Pig can touch his toes.

I'm the stud!

Aah!

You got one friend who nearly gets you killed in a fire.

And another who hits you with his car.

You got to get some new friends.

Except for that one guy. The hunk. The jock.

He's a keeper.

Well, there's only one thing left to do.

Stop trying to save my life?

No. Try 10 times as hard! From here on out,

I'm a-never leaving your side!

Ok. Visiting hours are over.

Well, see you tomorrow.

Oh, hey, will you sign this.

Well, I-I need to read it first.

Forget it.

- How you feeling? - Good. Strong.

- You do your stretching? - Yep. All stretched out.

What did you have for breakfast this morning?

Eggs. Just like you told me.

Oh, no. Thank you. It wouldn't be fair.

Give someone else a chance. After all, I'm the Saint.

Wait a second. I'm not the Saint.

I'm the fastest mouse in all of Mexico. I'm the jock!

Give me a number.

Good morning, runners.

Welcome to the 53rd Annual Royal Oaks...

And here now to start the race is local hero Bugs Bunny.

Now, in 30 minutes, I'll give you the signal.

And you'll fire this starter's pistol into the air,

starting the race.

Oh...

What is wrong with you?

I saved your life! He was about to shoot you dead!

No, you idiot! That's not a real gun.

That's a starter's pist--

I mean, thank you. You saved my life.

So the debt's been paid? We're square?

We're square. Totally square.

Now, can I please start the race?

Sorry, rabbit. It's been too long.

Yee-haw!

It's not even a real gun!

Hey. I'm done.

Unh. Oh.

W-what happened?

I must've had some bad eggs.

L-let me get you some help.

No. You need to finish. This is your dream.

I should've been a good friend and supported you.

I'm just going to have to get used to the idea

that you're the jock and I'm the loser.

- B-but-- - Go!

Go, you dependable, uptight, hunky, loser stud.

I'm n-not finishing without you.

I can't believe you carried Daffy 23 miles.

What an incredible gesture.

He would've done the same for me.

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

Look! You can clearly see my feet crossing the finish line before you.

That means I won.

The circle of friendship is finally restored.

I am the stud. You're the buffoon.

You're the uptight one.

And you're...the mouse.

The mouse? I thought you said I was the dependable one.

He's really not getting this friendship circle thing, is he?

Then again, he's not the smart guy.

I'm the smart guy.

And the Saint and the jock.

The hunk. The dependable one.

The golden boy. The gifted child.

You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold dead--

What's the big deal? It was a starter's pistol.

There weren't no bullets in it.

I wouldn't act that way with a real gun.

I promise.

What about all these signatures?

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