Original subtitles

Hmm...

What is taking you so long?

You have the first turn. You can put any word down.

Don't rush me.

Is "dogarf" a word?

I'm not telling you.

You're fun to play with.

Is "fodgrf" a word?

If you can't say it, it's probably not a word.

Ok, fine.

"Darvog"?

- What? - I challenge.

"Darvog" is a word.

Use it in a sentence.

I just did. "Darvog" is a word.

That's a sentence.

Do you not know what a sentence is?

Because if you don't know what a sentence is,

we shouldn't play.

It would be like playing with a child.

You want something to eat? I am darvogged.

I just invented a new sandwich.

I took peanut butter and spread it on a piece of bread.

And then, on the other piece of bread,

I put some jelly.

I call it a jelly and peanut butter sandwich,

or a j&pb.

Not great. Weird combination.

Don't move.

Why?

Spider.

Where? Where is it?

Is it on me? Get it off me!

Get out of the way!

- Uhh huh huh! - Where did it go?

What did it look like?

It was the biggest spider I've ever seen.

Ooh! Ooh!

Uhh!

What are you doing?

I'm gonna kill it.

Are you mad? You can't do that.

You need to capture it and take it outside...

And then kill it.

We don't want that mess in here.

The maid just cleaned.

We don't have a maid.

I meant you.

Hey, guys! Uhh! Spider!

Lola!

Oh, did you like that lamp?

Let me get you another one.

Seriously, it's no problem. I can go right now.

I'm 8 hours early for our date anyway.

I don't see the spider.

Oh, I missed him.

He could be anywhere!

You guys should be careful.

I heard this story once about a spider

that crawled inside this man's ear

and laid its eggs in there,

and the spider babies ate his brain.

Well, time to go lamp shopping!

You know what, I should go help Lola with that lamp.

Lamps can be pretty tricky.

Wait for me! I'm not getting killed by a spider today!

A j&pb? I think that sounds good.

I invented a sandwich once.

You take a piece of bread, a piece of cheese,

a bunch of ice cream, a little more bread,

some fish sticks, a little syrup,

and then the heel of the bread.

I call it a darvog.

Ah! I knew that was a word.

You can't do anything until he's been missing for 24 hours?

But this is an emergency! You're the police!

What if something terrible's happened to him?

No, you calm down!

I can't stand it!

We're looking for a lamp.

Tosh is missing!

Well, we're not looking for a tosh.

We're looking for a lamp.

What's a tosh?

Tosh, my dear friend!

He went to mail a letter, but he never came back!

Oh, dear. How long has he been gone?

10 minutes!

Oh, poor thing.

We're never apart. I just know something terrible has happened to him!

11 minutes! Tosh!

That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

When I heard about this guy who had a spider lay babies in his ear and eat his brain.

Oh!

Tears won't bring your friend back.

Right now, time is our enemy.

In the case of an abduction, every second counts.

Listen to me.

If we don't find your friend soon,

the chances are, you will never see him again.

Oh, sorry.

May I?

We'll take your case.

Oh, are you private detectives?

No, but I can't go home until bugs takes care of that giant spider,

and this seems like a decent way to kill some time.

Now, can you give us a general physical description of the victim?

Victim?!

Hey! The clock... it's ticking.

All right.

High cheekbones, big expressive eyes,

athletic build.

Oh, no, wait! That one's me.

This is Tosh.

What's his height?

About 9 1/2 inches tall.

Weight?

Now, he'll tell you he's 3/4 of a pound,

but between you, me, and the fencepost...

He's at least a pound, but he carries it well.

It's gonna be ok. Believe me, I have a sixth sense about these things.

I've got sight, I've got hearing, I've got taste, I've got smell.

- What is the other one? - Touch?

Oh, thanks. I'm flattered, but I'm trying to think of the other sense.

Whatever it is, I've got it.

But the important one is my sixth sense:

My sense of humor.

Boo brr boo bbb boo!

Bbb bboo ddoo doo dooo pplll!

Mm mmew!

I guarantee you we will find your friend.

But just in case we don't, we'll go ahead and take the lamp now

so it's not awkward later, you know.

- Ohh!

Lola, I can't talk right now.

Oh, it's no problem.

Just wanted you to know that daffy and I are gonna be a little late.

We're investigating a missing person's case.

Mmhmm.

But the good news is we got you a new lamp,

and it looks exactly like your old one,

except it's a different color

and the base is a little wider... a lot wider.

And the shade's different. It's a weird shade.

Aah!

You know, you could at least see it before you judge it.

Unbelievable, that guy.

Tell me about it. Try living with him.

What are we doing here again?

We need to print up missing person's flyers

and put them up all over town,

get the public involved.

Plus, I get the 10% friends and family discount here.

Hey, guys!

I don't have time to chitchat.

Lola and I are in a race against the clock to save a life.

One of the gophers is missing.

That's terrible. How long has he been gone?

- 15. - Days?

Minutes.

And every second I spend talking to you

is a second I don't have.

Now, do you have a dollar? I want to get something from the vending machine.

Thanks. Put it on my tab.

Minus 10%.

Look, I know what you're thinking.

Daffy and I working side by side

in an emotionally charged environment?

How easy it is for two people bonded by a shared experience

to become romantically intertwined.

I just want you to know that is not gonna happen with me and daffy.

Yeah.

I wasn't worried.

Ok, now that my blood sugar's under control,

we can focus on that flyer.

Ooh! What about a reward?

Good idea!

But how do you put a dollar amount on a human life?

What am I talking about? He's a gopher. Put 5 bucks.

All right, now, let's put the photo of Tosh here.

We don't have a photo.

What we also don't have is time, Lola.

That gopher's been gone for 16 minutes.

Maybe we should just give up and go home.

You don't mean that.

And the spider's still there, so, remember, you can't go home.

You're right.

We don't have a photo. We'll have to draw a picture of him.

Ooh! Ok, not to brag, but I have been told I am a great artist.

Oh, no, wait. I've been told I'm a great flautist.

No, that doesn't make sense. I don't play the flaut.

Maybe I've been told something about Sauerkraut?

Wait, what are we talking about?

Drawing the gopher.

Ooh! I'll do it.

Not to brag, but I've been told I'm a great artist.

Yes, ok... Shade that part...

How's that?

I don't know.

Just those two big teeth in front?

He looks like a hillbilly.

No offense.

How about that?

Better. What about putting him in clothes?

You know, like, maybe a white outfit to signify his purity?

Ooh, yeah, like he's the innocent victim.

I like that.

Hmm. Now it's a little too much white.

Maybe he needs a pop of color.

Ooh! That looks good.

What about a hat? Give him a little personality,

like, "hey, look at me. I got a hat on."

Oh, yeah, that's our guy.

Let's see what kind of spider we're dealing with here.

Uhh! This kind of looks like him.

"African sand spider.

"The genus is sicarius,

which is Latin for... Murderer"?

"The venom of the six-eyed sand spider is highly toxic

"and causes blood vessel leakage

tissue destruction, and multi-organ breakdown"?

Aah!

Check out my n-new driving gloves.

W-why are you so jumpy?

There's a killer spider in the house.

A kkiller spider? You m-mean that one?

W-what do we do?

Just calm down.

Let me get on your shoulders.

II just had my jacket cleaned.

Fine. Get on my shoulders.

Oh! You're real solid, aren't you?

I... Don't know about this.

You can do this, porky.

Ddo we have to g-get so close?

It's a spider. It's not gonna jump on you.

Aah! It's on my face!

- Kill it! - But it's on my face!

Stab it!

Get off me!

Porky, you're panicking!

There's a p-poisonous spider on my face!

Aaah!

Aaah!

Wwhat about my driving gloves?

Really?

This mailbox was Tosh's destination.

Did he make it? There's only one way to find out:

Dust for fingerprints.

Right. Yes. Dust for fingerprints.

You know what, we don't need fingerprints.

Let's run some forensics.

Right, forensics.

Love forensics. Big fan of forensics.

Now that I think about it, all we really need is a DNA sample.

Right. One sample of DNA coming up.

You want to just crawl inside and see if he's in there?

Ooh! Fun!

Nope! No gopher.

Ooh, but there's tons of mail in here.

Oh, really?

Hmm. Not as roomy as I thought it would be.

Nnow what do we do?

Hey, boy!

You're a good guard dog, right?

There's an intruder in the house.

You think you can get him?

Good boy! Then go in there and get him!

Bye-bye.

Wwell, it's getting late.

It l-looks like you've got e-everything under control.

So, I-I'll just go now.

I'll g-get my driving gloves some other time!

What do we know?

We know climbing inside a mailbox is against the law.

What else?

The fire department's not happy

when they have to use the jaws of life to pry you out of a mailbox.

What else?

The city says you have to pay to replace the mailbox

or do 1,100 hours of community service.

What else?

Tosh has been missing for 28 minutes and we still haven't found him.

Oh, right, the gopher.

I totally forgot about that whole situation.

Well, I guess we're back to square one.

Or...

Uhhuh, uh-huh, interesting...

Maybe, could be... Ahh!

I like where you're going with this.

I hadn't thought of that.

You're good! What do you think?

I think this is just the break we've been looking for.

Yeah, I think we'll be able to focus a lot better

after we make some cookies.

I just set out the poisonous gas,

so that'll take care of your spider.

Just don't go back inside for 24 hours.

You don't want to breathe that stuff in.

Oh, and thanks for the driving gloves!

Don't mention it.

Hi, Mr. bunny.

Hey, gossamer, what's the matter?

My pet ran away.

Aw, I'm sorry.

His name's Webster.

He looks like an African sand spider,

but he's actually harmless.

I really miss him. Can you please let me know if you see him?

Gossamer!

Look who I found.

That's not Webster.

There he is!

Oh, I missed you so much, buddy.

I thought those cookies would help us focus,

but now I'm just really full and tired

and a little sick.

Well, the gopher's been gone an hour anyway.

I think we should just assume the worst

and get on with our lives.

But how are we gonna break the news to that poor gopher?

I don't know. E-mail? Text?

The beauty of today's electronic devices

is that they allow you to maintain a cool distance when delivering upsetting news.

Ah! Or maybe we don't have to break the news after all.

Come on!

Gotta keep that blood sugar up.

Where are you, Tosh?

Oh, wait. That's me.

Where are you, Tosh?

We found your friend!

Where is he?

Tada!

I guess this case is closed.

Oh, Tosh!

Where were you?

Why? Whatever do you mean?

After I went to the mailbox, I spent an hour in the park.

I thought it would be good to have a little time to myself,

but the truth of the matter is, I hated every second of it!

Turns out, I didn't want time to myself.

I just want to be with you.

Well, why didn't you tell me?

You could have at least left a note.

But I did.

I wrote it on that notepad by the cash register.

"Dear Mac, I'm going to the park

"to spend a little time alone.

"I'm sure I'll hate it. Didn't want you to worry.

Xoxoxo, Tosh."

You know what, I should go help bugs...

Kill that spider.

Spiders can be pretty tricky.

What, are you nuts?

Why were you handling a poisonous spider?

You're lucky we didn't have to amputate.

Am I gonna be ok?

You'll be fine. Just go home. Get some rest.

Oh. The exterminator said I can't go home until tomorrow.

Well, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

Put this on twice a day.

- What is it? - Darvog.

It's an anti-inflammatory.

Better than amputating!

How many hours until we can go home?

19.

Who's your friend?

I'm still deciding on a name.

Right now, it's between lieutenant maximilian Von Lundergartner

or Frank.

Well, you can't go wrong with either one,

except for that first one.

I'm starving! What is taking so long?

Yeah, where's speedy?

Oh, I missed you so much!

I missed you so much!

Well, I missed you more.

Oh, don't be silly. I missed you more.

All right, gopher! Gimme my $5.00!

I told you, I'm not a gopher!

Standin' there with a blade in your hand

Yosemite Sam, don't you understand?

I'm your moostache

don't shave your moostache

been with you since the day you were born

all that time, I've never been shorn

what would you do without your flavor saver

puttin' aside those crumbs for later?

very first time that you kissed a girl

I tickled her nose and I rocked her world

stuck with you through thick and thin

shavin' me off would be a sin

moostache

your face is my home

moostache

I got my own comb

moostache

without me, you would be so alone

do you remember that time we got caught up in the snowstorm?

I was right there for you, my friend

keepin' your top lip so warm

I keep tears off of your mouth

bugs from flyin' up your nose

when you got punched in the mouth

I was cushioning the floor

put that blade back on the shelf

you know I love you more than anyone else

if you feel some hair just has to go

weed-wack some of that back hair, bro

moostache

I'm your best friend

moostache

until the end

moostache This shade's a little weird,

but it's not bad.

Aah!

Another spider?

No, it's just after seeing that shade,

it's really too weird.

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