Original subtitles

[LOUD SNORING]

[SNORING CONTINUES]

[BEEPS]

- HEY, WAKE UP.

- [SNORES]

- COME ON. YOU'RE SNORING. WAKE UP.

- [SNORES]

- DAFFY, WAKE UP!

- [SNORES]

- ALL RIGHT, FINE.

[SNORING CONTINUES]

- [SIGHS]

- DO YOU NEED TO SIGH SO LOUDLY?

I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!

[SNORES]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS. ANIMATION

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

- YOU LOOK TERRIBLE.

YOU SHOULD GET MORE SLEEP.

- MORE SLEEP? I CAN'T GET ANY SLEEP BECAUSE OF YOUR SNORING.

- WHAT? I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING--

BREATHING STRIPS, MOUTH GUARDS, EYE PATCHES, JOCK STRAPS,

SELF TANNER, CANKER SORE CREAM, AND I STILL SNORE.

- REALLY? CANKER SORE CREAM DIDN'T WORK?

- WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? I SNORE. YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH.

WE ALL HAVE OUR LITTLE QUIRKS.

- DAFFY, YOU GOTTA SEE SOMEONE ABOUT YOUR SNORING.

IT'S A PROBLEM.

- NOT A PROBLEM FOR ME. I SLEEP GREAT.

- WELL, IT'S A PROBLEM FOR ME, AND I KNOW JUST HOW TO FIX IT...

PERMANENTLY.

- HOW IS STANDING ON THE LEDGE OF A HIGH-RISE BUILDING

GONNA FIX MY SNORING?

- OH, RIGHT, SNORING.

[DINGS]

- WHAT'S THIS DOCTOR'S NAME AGAIN?

- DR. WEISBERG.

- WEISBERG-- WHAT IS THAT, IRISH?

- [SCOFFS] HEY, THAT'S PORKY'S OFFICE: MURPHY AND ASSOCIATES.

- MURPHY--WHAT IS THAT, JEWISH?

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- RECIPES.

- YOU DON'T COOK.

- WELL, I DON'T HAVE THE TIME.

BUT "7-MINUTE MEALS," IT'S PERFECT FOR BUSY MOMS LIKE ME.

- OHH-KAY.

I'M GONNA GO VISIT PORKY.

- FINE, MORE SALMON BALLS FOR ME.

THIS IS TAKING FOREVER.

WHERE'S THE BATHROOM?

- RIGHT DOWN THE HALL.

OH, YOU NEED A KEY.

- A KEY? TO GO TO THE BATHROOM?

WHAT, YOU DON'T TRUST ME?

YOU THINK I'M GONNA STEAL YOUR TOILET?

EH. WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS COUNTRY?

- PORKY, CAN I SEE YOU IN MY OFFICE?

- [STAMMERING] WH-WHAT'D I DO?

- [LAUGHING]

- B-BUGS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I WAS GONNA PUSH DAFFY OFF THE ROOF.

WOW, LOOK AT YOU.

YOU GOT YOUR OWN CUBICLE!

A COMPUTER...

- UH, P-PLEASE DON'T.

- A PHONE...

[IMITATING PORKY'S STAMMER] TH-THIS IS PORKY PIG.

- [GASPS]

- PENCIL SHARPENER...

- [GASPS]

- TAPE DISPENSER...

- [STAMMERS]

- WHAT A FUN JOB. YOU MUST LOVE WORKING HERE.

- IF B-BY "LOVE" YOU MEAN HATE SITTING IN THIS SOUL-SUCKING CAVE,

COUNTING EVERY MINUTE UNTIL THE W-WEEKEND,

AND THEN DREADING EVERY MINUTE UNTIL M-MONDAY,

THEN YES, I L-LOVE WORKING HERE.

- SPITTIN' IMAGE.

OH, UH, WHO WORKS THERE?

- NO ONE. IT'S EMPTY.

- MM-HMM.

- MY POINT IS IF SOMEONE WANTS TO STEAL A TOILET,

THEY'RE GONNA STEAL A TOILET.

- LET'S JUST AGREE TO DISAGREE, OK?

- I DON'T AGREE TO THAT.

- ALL RIGHT. LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE GOT A DEVIATED SEPTUM.

- THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY SEPTUM!

WHAT'S A SEPTUM?

- IT'S WHAT SEPARATES THE RIGHT AND THE LEFT SIDE OF THE NOSE.

YOURS IS TOO FAR TO THE RIGHT, WHICH IS CAUSING YOUR SNORING.

- CAN YOU FIX IT?

- EASILY. IT'S A PIECE OF CAKE. A VERY SIMPLE PROCEDURE.

AND, IF YOU'D LIKE, WHILE I'M AT IT,

I COULD SMOOTH OUT THAT BUMP IN YOUR BEAK.

- I DON'T HAVE A BUMP IN MY BEAK.

- [GASPING] I'M HIDEOUS.

- WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?

- WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE A BUMP ON MY BEAK?!

- I NEVER NOTICED A BUMP.

- DO NOT PATRONIZE ME!

IF THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME THAT I DON'T KNOW ABOUT,

THEN YOU OWE IT TO ME AS MY BEST FRIEND TO TELL ME!

- ALL RIGHT. YOU'RE A NARCISSIST.

YOU'RE A SOCIOPATH.

YOU'RE PROBABLY A PSYCHOPATH.

YOU'RE A...

YOU'RE PARANOID, SEXIST,

AND YOU MAKE FUN OF THE ELDERLY.

- THOSE ARE JUST QUIRKS! ENDEARING QUIRKS!

I'M TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT: MY APPEARANCE.

AND IF YOU WON'T BE HONEST WITH ME,

THEN I'LL FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL.

HERE, TAKE THIS HOME FOR ME.

IT'S A REALLY GOOD TOILET.

- DID YOU WANT THESE IN COLOR OR BLACK AND WHITE?

- AAH!

- DO I HAVE A BUMP ON MY BEAK?

- OH, YEAH, IT'S HUGE. FIRST THING I EVER NOTICED ABOUT YOU.

- [GASPS] I CAN'T HAVE A BUMP ON MY BEAK!

I CAN'T HAVE AN IMPERFECTION!

I ALLOW NO IMPERFECTIONS!

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU'RE NOTHING BUT IMPERFECTIONS.

NAME A PERFECTION.

- WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

[GASPS] IT'S MY BUMP, ISN'T IT?

DON'T LOOK AT ME. I'M A MONSTER!

[SCREAMING]

- OOPS, SORRY. DIDN'T MEAN TO BUMP INTO YOU.

- OH! AAH!

- IT'S OK. IT'S JUST A BUMP IN THE ROAD.

- OH! AAH!

[SCREAMING]

- CAREFUL, THAT SIDEWALK'S PRETTY BUMPY.

- OH!

- BUMP, BUMP, BUMP, BUMP - [SCREAMING]

- BUMP, BUMP, BUMP

- BUMP. - BUMP.

- BUMP. - BUMP.

- [SCREAMING]

NO! NO!

DOH!

- HEY, MAN, YOU GOT A BIG BUMP ON YOUR BEAK.

- [SCREAMING]

- [HORN HONKS, TIRES SQUEAL]

- MURPHY AND ASSOCIATES. PLEASE HOLD.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR HOLDING...

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

- [SIGHS]

- WHAT'S UP...DOC?

- B-BUGS? WHY ARE YOU HERE?

- I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE BECAUSE I WORK HERE.

- B-BUT YOU'RE NOT AN ACCOUNTANT.

- NOPE, BUT EVIDENTLY I HAVE GREAT PEOPLE SKILLS.

SO WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON?

- THE PAPADOPOULOS RETURNS.

IT'S THE MOST C-COMPLEX, TEDIOUS TAX RETURN,

AND I GET STUCK WITH IT EVERY YEAR.

- WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

THOSE TAXES AREN'T GONNA RETURN THEMSELVES.

- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

- RETURN THOSE TAXES, RETURN THOSE TAXES

RETURN 'EM, RETURN 'EM

RETURN THOSE TAXES, REPORT THAT INCOME

FIND THOSE DEDUCTIONS, ITEMIZE THOSE EXPENSES

- I WANT TO LOOK LIKE THIS.

- THIS IS A RECIPE FOR SALMON BALLS.

- GIMME THAT. I HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO MAKE THOSE.

7 MINUTES? THEY'RE OUT OF THEIR MINDS.

I WANT TO LOOK LIKE THIS.

- FIRST OF ALL, THAT'S A WOMAN.

SECOND OF ALL, THAT'S A NOSE.

YOU HAVE A BEAK.

- YOU KNOW, YOUR BEDSIDE MANNER COULD USE SOME WORK.

SMALLER.

SMALLER.

SMALLER.

- ANYTHING SMALLER WOULD BE TOO DRASTIC A CHANGE.

- THE DRASTICER, THE BETTER.

HEH HEH HEH HEH.

- HMM. WHEN DO YOU WANT TO HAVE IT DONE?

- NOW!

SORRY, YOU HAVE A VERY SLAPPABLE FACE.

- PORKY'S GONNA LOVE THESE.

- HEY, I DIDN'T HEAR YOU SNORE LAST NIGHT.

I GUESS THE PROCEDURE WAS A SUCCESS.

- IT'LL BE A SUCCESS WHEN THESE BANDAGES COME OFF

AND I SHOW THE WORLD THE NEW ME.

SOON I WILL BE ON THE OUTSIDE WHAT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ON THE INSIDE--

PERFECT, LIKE A DIAMOND, OR A PEARL,

OR A PEARL WITH A DIAMOND INSIDE.

AND NOW THE PEARL OUTSIDE IS BEING REPLACED BY DIAMOND

SO THAT THERE IS DIAMOND ON THE INSIDE

AND NOW FINALLY A MATCHING DIAMOND ON THE OUTSIDE.

- WELL, ALL I CARE ABOUT IS THE NOT SNORING.

I'M OFF TO WORK!

- WORK? I DON'T REMEMBER BUGS HAVING A JOB.

HAS HE ALWAYS HAD A JOB? I WONDER WHAT HE DOES.

I BET HE'S A DENTIST.

[LAUGHING]

LAME!

- GOT ANY RUBBER BANDS?

THANKS. SCISSORS?

THANKS.

TAPE? THANKS.

PENCILS? THANKS.

I ONLY NEEDED THE ERASERS.

HEY, PORK, YOU GOT A SECOND?

- B-BUGS, I'M TRYING TO WORK.

- [FEMININE VOICE] HA HA! HI, MY NAME'S DIANE.

I'M MR. BUNNY'S NEW SECRETARY.

OH, CAN I GET YOU A CUP OF COFFEE?

STOP IT! YOU'RE HURTING ME.

AAH!

- BUGS, QUIT IT.

- WHAT? I'M JUST HAVING FUN.

- Y-YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING FUN.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING.

- WHY CAN'T I DO BOTH?

- HUH?

- PORKY, THE AVERAGE PERSON SPENDS A THIRD OF THEIR LIFE AT WORK.

WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO WASTE A THIRD OF YOUR LIFE BEING MISERABLE?

- ARE YOU SAYING I SHOULD Q-QUIT?

- NO! I'M SAYING THAT YOU NEED TO MAKE WORK FUN.

- I DON'T KNOW, BUGS.

- [FEMININE VOICE] WELL, I THINK IT'S A GREAT IDEA.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- ARE YOU READY TO SEE THE NEW YOU?

- MY MIDDLE NAME IS READY.

ACTUALLY IT'S SHELTON.

I TRIED GOING WITH ARMANDO FOR A WHILE, BUT IT NEVER CAUGHT ON,

PROBABLY BECAUSE YOUR MIDDLE NAME DOESN'T COME UP IN CONVERSATION VERY MUCH.

I TRIED WORKING IT IN, BUT--

- [GASPS] - HOLY...

- WHAT IS IT? HOW DO I LOOK?

[GASPING AND SOBBING]

I'M GORGEOUS!

- G-GOT ANY PAPER CLIPS? I USED ALL MINE.

THANKS.

- IS THAT A CHANDELIER MADE OF PAPER CLIPS?

- YOU WERE RIGHT, BUGS. WORK CAN BE FUN.

[MALE VOICES VOCALIZING]

- [LAUGHING]

- [WHISTLING]

- [GASPS]

- HELLO, WORLD.

I'M ABOUT TO MAKE YOU A WHOLE LOT PRETTIER.

[WHISTLING]

- [BABY COOING]

- HELLO, LITTLE BABY.

- [CRYING]

- OH!

[CELL PHONE BEEPING]

- TINA, IT'S DAFFY. MEET ME AT THE SUNSET ROOM IN AN HOUR.

AND LOOK GOOD. I DO.

[WHISTLING]

- I'M LOOKING FOR MY BOYFRIEND. HE'S A LITTLE BLACK DUCK.

- A DUCK? [CHUCKLES]

WELL, I WASN'T SURE WHAT THAT WAS.

WE PUT HIM IN THE WAY BACK.

- KINDA FANCY FOR LUNCH.

WHAT'S THE OCCASION?

- I'M THE OCCASION.

- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!

- I GOT A BEAK JOB.

LOOK, NO BUMP.

- YOU MESSED UP YOUR WHOLE FACE JUST TO GET RID OF A STUPID BUMP?

YOU LOOK CRAZY!

- IF I LOOK SO CRAZY, HOW COME EVERYONE'S STARING AT ME?

- BECAUSE YOU LOOK CRAZY.

DAFFY, I LIKED YOUR OLD BEAK.

- BUT MY OLD BEAK HAD AN IMPERFECTION.

AND WHEN IT COMES TO MY APPEARANCE,

THERE CAN BE NO IMPERFECTIONS.

- WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE A DOG ATE YOUR FACE.

I LIKED YOUR BUMP. I LIKE ALL YOUR IMPERFECTIONS.

WELL, NOT ALL OF THEM.

YOUR IMPERFECTIONS ARE WHAT MAKE YOU YOU,

AND I LIKE YOU.

- OH, I GET IT.

YOU'RE JEALOUS BECAUSE I HAVE THIS PERFECT LITTLE BEAK

AND YOU HAVE THAT GIANT NIGHTMARE.

[GROANS] CALL DR. WEISBERG!

- C-COME TO THE CONFERENCE ROOM...

AND BRING THE PAPER AIRPLANE.

I GIVE YOU M-MURPHY AND ASSOCIATES

INTERNATIONAL P-PAPER AIRPORT!

AND YOU ARE CLEARED FOR LANDING.

- PORKY, HOW LONG DID THIS TAKE YOU?

- HEH HEH! HOURS.

IT'S ALL I'VE BEEN DOING SINCE LUNCH.

PRETTY FUN. HA!

- I KNOW I SAID TO MAKE WORK FUN,

BUT YOU STILL GOTTA DO YOUR WORK.

WHAT ABOUT THE PAPADOPOULOS RETURNS?

- T-THE PAPADOPOULOS RETURNS!

- WOW, PAPER BAGGAGE HANDLERS.

MR. MURPHY.

- WHAT IS THIS?

- IT'S A PAPER AIRPORT.

- HAVE YOU SEEN PORKY? I NEED THE PAPADOPOULOS RETURNS.

- [STAMMERING] THIS JUST IN.

ALL FLIGHTS HAVE BEEN GROUNDED...

DUE TO SNOW!

YIPPEE! HA HA! [CRAZED LAUGHTER]

HO HO! JINGLE BELLS! HA HA!

- YOU'RE FIRED.

- [FEMININE VOICE] OH! AM I FIRED, TOO?

- LUCKY FOR YOU, I SAVED YOUR OLD BEAK.

- LUCKY? IT STILL HAS THE BUMP!

AND IS IT A LITTLE CROOKED?

EH, GOOD ENOUGH.

- SORRY ABOUT THAT, PORKY.

- DON'T BE SORRY. YOU'VE SHOWN ME

THAT LIFE'S TOO SHORT TO HAVE A J-JOB I DON'T ENJOY.

- HUH. THAT'S GREAT.

- YOU'VE SHOWN ME THAT I CAN DO ANYTHING.

I CAN GET ANY JOB I W-WANT.

- WELL, I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

- YOU'VE SHOWN ME THAT AS LONG AS I'M HAVING FUN,

I CAN BE ANYTHING I WANT TO BE.

I CAN BE P-PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

- PORKY.

- PORKY PIG IS GOING TO BE PRESIDENT OF THE U-UNITED STATES.

- THAT'S NICE.

- WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?

- WE USED TO WORK HERE.

- YOU'RE A DENTIST, TOO?

[LAUGHS]

LAME!

[SCREAMING]

- W-WHAT? ALL I SAID WAS

I NEVER NOTICED THE BUMP ON HIS B-BEAK BEFORE.

[WHOOSH]

- [SLURPS]

- MEEP MEEP!

- I'M J-JUST SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS NEW CHAPTER IN MY LIFE.

WORK SHOULD BE FUN. LIFE SHOULD BE FUN.

M-MORE TEA, DIANE?

- DO YOU TAKE CREAM OR SUGAR?

DIANE? D-DO YOU TAKE CREAM OR SUGAR?

D-DIANE?

DIANE? CREAM OR SUGAR?

DIANE?

DIANE?

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS. ANIMATION

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

- ON A FINAL NOTE,

KIDS, DON'T FORGET TO EAT YOUR BROCCOLI.

IT'S GOOD FOR YOU.

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