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1
00:00:03,340 --> 00:00:06,180
You know, year after year
they come in,
2
00:00:06,220 --> 00:00:10,420
and here am I, dressed in
this same old brown smock.
3
00:00:10,460 --> 00:00:13,660
But not this year,
not this Christmas.
4
00:00:13,700 --> 00:00:16,220
I'm dressing for magic!
5
00:00:20,820 --> 00:00:25,260
And every magician
must have his glamorous assistant.
6
00:00:26,700 --> 00:00:28,500
Yeah, there she is.
7
00:00:30,940 --> 00:00:33,300
Well, you try and get the real thing
at my age.
8
00:00:34,820 --> 00:00:37,380
Ah, I've seen you do magic.
9
00:00:37,380 --> 00:00:39,220
If a customer was difficult,
10
00:00:39,220 --> 00:00:41,700
you used to make their
change disappear.
11
00:00:44,300 --> 00:00:46,780
Do you want to see some more magic?
I'll show you.
12
00:00:46,820 --> 00:00:48,340
Right.
13
00:00:48,380 --> 00:00:49,740
We're ready?
14
00:00:51,620 --> 00:00:53,420
Voila!
15
00:00:57,220 --> 00:00:59,180
You see? Magic.
16
00:01:20,540 --> 00:01:22,020
No...
17
00:01:50,980 --> 00:01:53,500
Oh! Oh!
18
00:01:59,100 --> 00:02:03,140
Heh! What time did you get in
last night?
19
00:02:03,180 --> 00:02:05,300
Oh, what's the difference?
20
00:02:05,340 --> 00:02:07,580
It's always just in time
to get up again.
21
00:02:07,620 --> 00:02:10,900
Oh, dear, oh, dear!
You call this early?
22
00:02:10,900 --> 00:02:15,140
I tell you, when I was your age,
I sometimes got up so early
23
00:02:15,180 --> 00:02:17,420
it was before I were even born.
24
00:02:22,500 --> 00:02:24,300
Lend me 50p, will you?
25
00:02:28,980 --> 00:02:30,940
I'll let you have it back later.
26
00:02:38,140 --> 00:02:40,140
You've bought too many tins
of custard.
27
00:02:40,180 --> 00:02:42,780
You can never have
too many tins of custard.
28
00:02:42,820 --> 00:02:45,140
Well, I think you've just
managed it.
29
00:02:45,180 --> 00:02:46,180
Oh, just watch this.
30
00:02:46,220 --> 00:02:48,580
Look. Nothing in me hand, right?
31
00:02:48,620 --> 00:02:49,740
A tin.
32
00:02:49,780 --> 00:02:51,860
Nothing... Nothing in me tin.
33
00:02:51,860 --> 00:02:53,700
Oh, what's that?
34
00:02:59,100 --> 00:03:00,700
Voila!
35
00:03:00,740 --> 00:03:02,820
You see?
36
00:03:02,860 --> 00:03:08,980
Hey, did you know that Cleopatra,
she used to bath in custard?
37
00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:10,940
Wouldn't she be sticky?
38
00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:14,700
It'd be almost impossible
to get her off you.
39
00:03:16,620 --> 00:03:18,540
I can think of worse problems.
40
00:03:20,580 --> 00:03:24,140
Happy coincidence
bumping into you like this.
41
00:03:24,180 --> 00:03:29,500
I'm frozen. I've been loitering out
there hoping you'd pass.
42
00:03:30,620 --> 00:03:32,740
How long were you prepared
to stay out there?
43
00:03:32,780 --> 00:03:35,220
Well, no later than Boxing Day.
44
00:03:39,180 --> 00:03:41,100
You'll be alone for Christmas?
45
00:03:41,100 --> 00:03:43,020
If I can manage it.
46
00:03:43,060 --> 00:03:47,340
Well, you've gone to a lot of
trouble to meet me here for coffee.
47
00:03:47,380 --> 00:03:50,580
How about you come round
for Christmas lunch?
48
00:03:51,660 --> 00:03:52,940
That would be delightful.
49
00:03:52,940 --> 00:03:54,460
Don't be so sure.
50
00:03:54,500 --> 00:03:56,500
I'll probably burn it.
51
00:03:56,540 --> 00:03:58,340
My favourite!
52
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:07,980
Right.
53
00:04:08,020 --> 00:04:09,180
Oh!
54
00:04:11,180 --> 00:04:12,340
Oh, here they come,
55
00:04:12,380 --> 00:04:15,260
looking for the magical experience.
56
00:04:15,300 --> 00:04:17,180
We don't believe in magic.
57
00:04:17,180 --> 00:04:19,260
We like to see before we believe.
58
00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:22,300
All right, watch this.
59
00:04:26,380 --> 00:04:28,140
Get off!
60
00:04:28,140 --> 00:04:29,140
It's only a trick!
61
00:04:30,260 --> 00:04:31,460
I knew that.
62
00:04:34,300 --> 00:04:37,740
Now, what's so different
about French custard?
63
00:04:37,780 --> 00:04:39,980
And is it guaranteed?
64
00:04:40,020 --> 00:04:43,900
Well, I've got to make sure
that I don't sell this to anyone
65
00:04:43,940 --> 00:04:45,540
under the age of 18.
66
00:04:49,980 --> 00:04:52,180
French custard with
an English label?
67
00:04:52,180 --> 00:04:58,060
At no small expense, I've had
these translated and relabelled
68
00:04:58,060 --> 00:05:00,860
for the benefit of my customers.
69
00:05:00,900 --> 00:05:03,100
So how do you know it's French?
70
00:05:03,100 --> 00:05:07,380
Well, for two hours
after ingesting this liquid,
71
00:05:07,420 --> 00:05:10,620
you will be talking
like Maurice Chevalier.
72
00:05:11,900 --> 00:05:15,100
And you will become irresistible
73
00:05:15,140 --> 00:05:17,380
to the mature female.
74
00:05:17,380 --> 00:05:20,380
You show me where it says on this
label
75
00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:22,780
that it's any different
to British custard.
76
00:05:22,820 --> 00:05:25,940
There you go, there's the warning.
77
00:05:25,980 --> 00:05:30,580
Don't be a glutton. Take it easy
with this very powerful product.
78
00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:31,980
It says there, look.
79
00:05:32,020 --> 00:05:34,420
Stay "glutton free".
80
00:05:38,500 --> 00:05:40,380
That's not how you spell glutton.
81
00:05:40,380 --> 00:05:42,460
That's "gluten free".
82
00:05:46,220 --> 00:05:48,700
That's how the French spell it.
83
00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:54,340
But it wears off after two hours.
84
00:05:54,380 --> 00:05:56,340
Well, you'd better hope so.
85
00:05:56,380 --> 00:05:59,380
I mean, otherwise you'll be worn
to a shadow after a week.
86
00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:01,620
It's a trick.
87
00:06:12,020 --> 00:06:14,140
You're spending all Christmas with
Gerald?
88
00:06:14,180 --> 00:06:16,460
At his parents'.
It's what we always do.
89
00:06:17,420 --> 00:06:19,100
Oh, that is disgusting.
90
00:06:19,140 --> 00:06:22,660
Er, no, that's respectable.
He's my fiance.
91
00:06:22,660 --> 00:06:24,180
You and me...
92
00:06:24,220 --> 00:06:26,420
..that's disgusting.
93
00:06:29,140 --> 00:06:32,020
He's not right for you.
Trust me, I'm psychic.
94
00:06:32,060 --> 00:06:34,100
I was thinking psycho.
95
00:06:34,140 --> 00:06:35,660
My mother loves him.
96
00:06:35,700 --> 00:06:37,700
Well, let her marry him.
His mother loves me.
97
00:06:37,740 --> 00:06:40,460
Everyone loves the idea of
me and Gerald.
98
00:06:40,460 --> 00:06:42,860
Wait, you've...
You've got something in your eye.
99
00:06:42,860 --> 00:06:44,180
No, I haven't.
100
00:06:44,180 --> 00:06:46,340
Yes, you have.
It's me, and I'm staying there.
101
00:06:46,340 --> 00:06:47,940
That's not fair.
102
00:06:47,980 --> 00:06:50,260
You know I can't scream at you
in here.
103
00:06:51,860 --> 00:06:54,460
Oh, Mrs Rossi,
104
00:06:54,500 --> 00:06:57,180
please accept this little gift.
105
00:07:00,980 --> 00:07:02,140
Oh!
106
00:07:02,140 --> 00:07:05,500
Shall I compare thee to
a summer's day?
107
00:07:05,540 --> 00:07:09,100
Thou art more lovely and more
temperate.
108
00:07:09,100 --> 00:07:10,500
Rough winds...
109
00:07:10,540 --> 00:07:12,740
It's only me!
110
00:07:17,500 --> 00:07:18,900
Are you decent?
111
00:07:18,900 --> 00:07:21,060
You always ask me that.
112
00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:24,100
As if I prance about the house
in a florescent thong.
113
00:07:24,140 --> 00:07:25,300
Oh!
114
00:07:25,340 --> 00:07:27,780
Ooh, we are in a saucy mood today.
115
00:07:27,780 --> 00:07:29,180
Well, you'll have to wait.
116
00:07:29,220 --> 00:07:31,820
I'm not something gift-wrapped
that you can open when you feel like it.
117
00:07:31,860 --> 00:07:36,300
Delphine, you're in absolutely
no danger of being unwrapped.
118
00:07:36,340 --> 00:07:39,980
Oh, thank you, dear. I appreciate
your struggle for self-control.
119
00:07:39,980 --> 00:07:41,580
I have it well in hand.
120
00:07:41,620 --> 00:07:43,180
Oh, bless you, Wilburn.
121
00:07:43,220 --> 00:07:45,460
And it will all be worth it one day
122
00:07:45,460 --> 00:07:48,940
when we can let your wildness
run free with me.
123
00:07:48,980 --> 00:07:51,100
Don't worry on my account.
124
00:07:51,100 --> 00:07:52,340
I need a drink.
125
00:07:52,380 --> 00:07:53,780
Oh, I'll join you.
126
00:07:53,820 --> 00:07:56,820
But don't expect it to lower
my defences.
127
00:07:56,860 --> 00:07:58,460
Don't be rushing at me
128
00:07:58,500 --> 00:08:00,620
with your electric thong.
129
00:08:00,620 --> 00:08:01,780
Have no fear.
130
00:08:03,260 --> 00:08:04,660
The battery's flat.
131
00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:10,660
Willis knows I'm in love with your
Gerald. I've told him.
132
00:08:10,700 --> 00:08:12,460
But I thought I'd won you over. No.
133
00:08:12,500 --> 00:08:15,260
Oh, don't pull any punches, Ruby.
Why don't you give it to him straight?
134
00:08:15,300 --> 00:08:17,140
It's just a fantasy, Willis.
135
00:08:17,140 --> 00:08:20,780
Yeah, how can you be in love
with your best friend's fiance?
136
00:08:20,820 --> 00:08:24,340
I've got a complex
inner emotional life, OK?
137
00:08:24,380 --> 00:08:27,340
I'm not just some moron
with long legs.
138
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,140
I like long legs.
139
00:08:29,140 --> 00:08:31,620
Oh, forget it.
And keep your hands to yourself.
140
00:08:31,620 --> 00:08:32,980
What? They're on the table.
141
00:08:33,020 --> 00:08:36,220
Hey, be nice to Willis. He's real,
142
00:08:36,260 --> 00:08:38,060
he's solid,
143
00:08:38,060 --> 00:08:39,260
he's here.
144
00:08:41,140 --> 00:08:42,700
Yeah, and fixated on my legs!
145
00:08:42,740 --> 00:08:44,220
Well, you started it.
146
00:08:44,220 --> 00:08:46,940
Oh, forget it, Willis.
We're both neglected.
147
00:08:46,940 --> 00:08:51,260
Alone, while our significant others
will be away raving.
148
00:08:51,300 --> 00:08:53,860
I'm with my fiance and his parents
over Christmas.
149
00:08:53,900 --> 00:08:55,540
It's not exactly raving.
150
00:08:55,540 --> 00:08:57,100
I'm not dancing naked
in the high street.
151
00:08:58,140 --> 00:08:59,180
Oh, well, if you change your mind,
152
00:08:59,220 --> 00:09:01,620
what time are we thinking? Hm? Hey?
153
00:09:01,660 --> 00:09:03,580
Come here! Merry Christmas!
154
00:09:04,900 --> 00:09:06,420
You never do that to me.
155
00:09:07,940 --> 00:09:09,140
Oh!
156
00:09:16,980 --> 00:09:18,500
Wait a minute.
157
00:09:18,500 --> 00:09:21,540
You see I have nothing in my hands.
158
00:09:21,540 --> 00:09:24,380
Whoa, whoa, I can see it
between your fingers.
159
00:09:24,420 --> 00:09:27,420
Oh! Your mother had sharp eyes.
160
00:09:27,420 --> 00:09:29,180
And a tongue to match.
161
00:09:29,220 --> 00:09:31,500
You're rubbish at this, you.
162
00:09:31,540 --> 00:09:33,420
Well, give us a chance, will you?
163
00:09:33,420 --> 00:09:35,780
Things don't happen overnight.
164
00:09:35,780 --> 00:09:37,620
Though it did with your mother.
165
00:09:39,220 --> 00:09:41,020
That Madge!
166
00:09:41,060 --> 00:09:43,660
She caught me with lipstick on.
167
00:09:46,460 --> 00:09:49,140
Now, you don't have to answer this
if you don't want to,
168
00:09:49,180 --> 00:09:52,620
but, um, why were you wearing
lipstick?
169
00:09:52,620 --> 00:09:54,620
It wasn't mine!
170
00:09:54,660 --> 00:09:58,900
It came from a thank-you moment
from Mrs Avery.
171
00:09:58,940 --> 00:10:00,500
She's very hands-on.
172
00:10:00,540 --> 00:10:02,580
Oh, she's fast for her age.
173
00:10:02,580 --> 00:10:04,580
Hey, I were just leaving,
174
00:10:04,620 --> 00:10:06,980
this pair of lips came from nowhere.
175
00:10:07,020 --> 00:10:09,420
Well, don't worry, don't get upset.
176
00:10:09,420 --> 00:10:11,700
If Madge is getting jealous,
177
00:10:11,740 --> 00:10:13,100
that's progress.
178
00:10:13,140 --> 00:10:15,340
Hey! Yeah.
179
00:10:18,420 --> 00:10:21,340
Mr Newbold sent me a book.
180
00:10:21,340 --> 00:10:23,620
Oh, nobody ever sends me a book.
181
00:10:23,660 --> 00:10:25,900
They probably think I can't read.
182
00:10:25,940 --> 00:10:28,140
I wish I'd never received this one.
183
00:10:28,180 --> 00:10:30,860
Why? He's buying you presents now.
That's good.
184
00:10:30,900 --> 00:10:32,620
I'm not so sure.
185
00:10:32,660 --> 00:10:37,100
It's called How To Stay Single
And Enjoy Life.
186
00:10:37,100 --> 00:10:38,700
Oh, don't lend it to Madge.
187
00:10:38,700 --> 00:10:41,740
I thought he liked me.
188
00:10:41,740 --> 00:10:43,140
But he does!
189
00:10:43,180 --> 00:10:44,980
No, he's backing off.
190
00:10:45,020 --> 00:10:47,460
Trust me, he's dotty about you.
191
00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:50,260
He's telling me he wants to stay
single.
192
00:10:50,300 --> 00:10:52,060
He can hardly tell you anything.
193
00:10:52,060 --> 00:10:55,380
You get him so flustered,
you make his voice squeak.
194
00:10:55,380 --> 00:10:57,500
Nobody's ever squeaked at me like
that.
195
00:11:04,340 --> 00:11:06,300
You can't wear that in the shop.
196
00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:10,180
This outfit belonged
to the famous stage magician
197
00:11:10,220 --> 00:11:11,820
Waldo the Wizard,
198
00:11:11,860 --> 00:11:13,820
often known as...
199
00:11:13,860 --> 00:11:16,020
..the Great Waldo.
200
00:11:16,020 --> 00:11:19,300
Some great Waldo nobody's
ever heard of.
201
00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:21,060
Et voila!
202
00:11:22,620 --> 00:11:27,060
People used to talk in whispers
about his death-defying act, you know.
203
00:11:27,100 --> 00:11:31,540
And you're trying to tell us that that
hat and coat was the Great Waldo's?
204
00:11:31,580 --> 00:11:34,860
Oh, yes, this is the one
that he wore on that night
205
00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:38,020
when his act of catching a bullet
in his teeth
206
00:11:38,060 --> 00:11:39,620
went wrong.
207
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:43,780
If he looked as big a pillock as you
do in that hat and coat,
208
00:11:43,820 --> 00:11:45,740
it's no wonder he got shot!
209
00:11:48,620 --> 00:11:51,380
At least he didn't have
lipstick on his collar.
210
00:11:51,420 --> 00:11:52,820
Mm?
211
00:11:52,860 --> 00:11:55,740
And you acquired
the Great Waldo's things how?
212
00:11:57,740 --> 00:12:01,980
From his great-great-great
second cousin by marriage
213
00:12:01,980 --> 00:12:03,980
who put them on eBay
214
00:12:03,980 --> 00:12:08,460
along with a certificate of
authenticity.
215
00:12:08,500 --> 00:12:10,500
And look, there...
216
00:12:10,540 --> 00:12:12,420
There is the bullet hole
217
00:12:12,420 --> 00:12:14,820
that should've been in his teeth.
218
00:12:14,820 --> 00:12:17,420
Mmm, pop. There.
219
00:12:17,460 --> 00:12:18,500
You've been conned.
220
00:12:19,900 --> 00:12:23,580
And I also got his mysterious
221
00:12:23,580 --> 00:12:27,020
disappearing cabinet.
222
00:12:27,020 --> 00:12:29,700
He was big, you know, in the 1920s.
223
00:12:29,700 --> 00:12:31,820
Oh, so was me Grandma Clifford.
224
00:12:31,820 --> 00:12:33,780
Yes? Judging by the photos.
225
00:12:35,140 --> 00:12:39,340
Anyway, the Great Waldo was famous
226
00:12:39,380 --> 00:12:42,620
all the way from Hornsey to
Bridlington.
227
00:12:42,660 --> 00:12:44,380
Oh, as famous as that?
228
00:12:44,380 --> 00:12:46,700
They said me Auntie Lily did tricks.
229
00:12:46,700 --> 00:12:48,700
Did your uncle know?
230
00:12:48,700 --> 00:12:50,300
Eh?
231
00:12:50,340 --> 00:12:51,740
Talking of tricks...
232
00:12:51,780 --> 00:12:57,060
Now, I'm gonna make this egg
disappear before your very eyes.
233
00:12:57,060 --> 00:12:59,700
On the count of three,
it'll disappear.
234
00:12:59,700 --> 00:13:01,300
A one.
235
00:13:01,340 --> 00:13:03,140
A two.
236
00:13:03,180 --> 00:13:04,340
A three!
237
00:13:05,900 --> 00:13:07,820
Where's it gone?
238
00:13:14,740 --> 00:13:16,740
Sorry, what are you trying to say?
239
00:13:18,220 --> 00:13:20,420
He's choking!
240
00:13:20,420 --> 00:13:22,620
I'm not chok...ing.
241
00:13:22,660 --> 00:13:24,140
I was trying to say...
242
00:13:24,140 --> 00:13:25,380
Hold that. Urgh.
243
00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:28,540
For my next trick...
244
00:13:30,180 --> 00:13:33,340
Nothing in my hands... Oh!
245
00:13:33,380 --> 00:13:35,260
Hey!
246
00:13:35,300 --> 00:13:38,380
Hey, that's the last time
I'm playing pontoon with you.
247
00:13:38,420 --> 00:13:41,300
So now you'll begin to see
248
00:13:41,340 --> 00:13:45,940
the magic of the Arkwright
experience!
249
00:13:45,980 --> 00:13:47,900
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
250
00:13:50,500 --> 00:13:52,300
Don't give up your day job.
251
00:13:52,340 --> 00:13:53,700
Don't worry, I...
252
00:14:08,380 --> 00:14:09,380
Oof...
253
00:14:17,900 --> 00:14:19,940
Are you in or out?
254
00:14:19,940 --> 00:14:21,340
What are you doing?
255
00:14:21,380 --> 00:14:24,780
I was just wondering what
we're having for our evening meal.
256
00:14:24,820 --> 00:14:26,140
Wait and see.
257
00:14:28,460 --> 00:14:30,060
Jasmine? Hm?
258
00:14:30,060 --> 00:14:31,860
That's not the voice of love.
259
00:14:31,860 --> 00:14:33,140
I'm in the middle of something here.
260
00:14:33,180 --> 00:14:36,100
You want the voice of love,
you pick a better time.
261
00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:37,620
Name it. I'll be there.
262
00:14:39,020 --> 00:14:40,500
Midnight.
263
00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:42,860
Midnight? We'll be asleep
at midnight.
264
00:14:42,900 --> 00:14:45,300
Oh, well, there you go. Missed it.
Agh...
265
00:14:49,580 --> 00:14:51,340
And another thing...
266
00:14:51,380 --> 00:14:55,820
..whatever's for dinner,
we're having it with custard.
267
00:15:04,420 --> 00:15:06,820
It looks like an old wardrobe.
268
00:15:06,860 --> 00:15:11,900
It's the mysterious disappearing
cabinet.
269
00:15:11,940 --> 00:15:15,140
Which still looks a lot
like an old wardrobe.
270
00:15:15,180 --> 00:15:18,820
Oh, really? Come along, let's just
show this disbelieving creature
271
00:15:18,820 --> 00:15:20,460
a thing or two, shall we, Gastric?
Right?
272
00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:22,260
Heh-heh.
In you go, please.
273
00:15:22,300 --> 00:15:23,900
We're going to make you disappear.
274
00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:27,540
Disappear? Where to?
275
00:15:27,580 --> 00:15:29,780
You're not going anywhere, are you?
276
00:15:29,820 --> 00:15:32,820
It... It's an illusion.
277
00:15:32,860 --> 00:15:34,460
Suppose it goes wrong...
278
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:36,460
I could be in orbit!
279
00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:38,940
Oh, well, every time you pass,
we'll wave.
280
00:15:38,980 --> 00:15:42,380
You're going no further than...
281
00:15:42,420 --> 00:15:44,820
..look, the back of this cabinet.
282
00:15:44,860 --> 00:15:45,860
See?
283
00:15:47,300 --> 00:15:49,700
Wasn't that what they said
to Yuri Gagarin?
284
00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:51,700
Right, in you go. Go on.
285
00:15:52,780 --> 00:15:54,180
Get in. Go on, go on.
286
00:15:54,180 --> 00:15:56,620
Right, ready? Shut the doors.
287
00:15:58,460 --> 00:16:00,860
Right, are you ready in the cabinet?
288
00:16:01,980 --> 00:16:03,100
If it goes wrong
289
00:16:03,140 --> 00:16:05,140
and I finish up where few
have ever been,
290
00:16:05,180 --> 00:16:08,620
will you try and make it
Madge's second-best bedroom?
291
00:16:08,620 --> 00:16:09,820
Why second-best?
292
00:16:09,820 --> 00:16:12,860
Well, I'm not allowed in the best
with me boots on.
293
00:16:12,900 --> 00:16:14,700
Oh!
294
00:16:14,700 --> 00:16:17,740
Look, just get in there.
Go on, get in.
295
00:16:17,740 --> 00:16:18,820
Go on, go on.
296
00:16:18,860 --> 00:16:20,380
Right, shut up, please,
297
00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:24,220
while I pronounce the magic word.
298
00:16:24,260 --> 00:16:25,660
Oh!
299
00:16:25,700 --> 00:16:27,180
There's a magic word?
300
00:16:27,180 --> 00:16:28,700
Come on, then, let's hear it.
301
00:16:31,460 --> 00:16:32,740
Ogin,
302
00:16:32,780 --> 00:16:34,260
agin,
303
00:16:34,300 --> 00:16:36,420
wogin,
304
00:16:36,460 --> 00:16:37,620
gangin.
305
00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:40,500
He's gone.
306
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:41,620
Open up.
307
00:16:42,740 --> 00:16:43,900
And...
308
00:16:46,820 --> 00:16:49,620
Just give us a minute, will you?!
309
00:16:49,660 --> 00:16:51,260
Oh! It's a bit of a squeeze.
310
00:16:55,540 --> 00:16:56,860
Ah, Mrs Rossi?
311
00:16:58,380 --> 00:17:02,300
Mrs Rossi, I owe you an apology.
312
00:17:03,260 --> 00:17:05,580
Mm. You got the wrong book.
313
00:17:06,500 --> 00:17:08,700
That was meant for Mrs Featherstone.
314
00:17:10,180 --> 00:17:12,580
So she must've got yours...
315
00:17:12,580 --> 00:17:14,580
Oh, my God.
316
00:17:14,620 --> 00:17:16,660
Ye gods, she's got...
317
00:17:18,700 --> 00:17:19,860
Hello?
318
00:17:19,900 --> 00:17:22,140
Yes, yes, I'm still here.
319
00:17:22,140 --> 00:17:25,380
I'm just having the most
terrible vision.
320
00:17:26,540 --> 00:17:28,060
You thought I'd hung up on you?
321
00:17:28,060 --> 00:17:29,580
Oh...
322
00:17:29,580 --> 00:17:33,980
Oh, Mrs Rossi, of all the people
in the universe,
323
00:17:33,980 --> 00:17:38,020
the one that I'm least likely
to hang up on is you.
324
00:17:39,420 --> 00:17:41,300
Well, of course I mean it.
325
00:17:41,340 --> 00:17:43,340
It's only me!
326
00:17:49,580 --> 00:17:53,860
Why, all of a sudden, do you want
custard on your Christmas pudding?
327
00:17:53,860 --> 00:17:55,460
Call it a whim.
328
00:17:55,460 --> 00:17:58,060
Am I not entitled to
the occasional whim?
329
00:17:58,100 --> 00:17:59,780
I'm still reeling from
your last one.
330
00:17:59,780 --> 00:18:01,940
You wanted us to go necking
in a bus shelter.
331
00:18:03,580 --> 00:18:05,500
Our bus shelter.
332
00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:07,420
I mean, we used to.
333
00:18:07,460 --> 00:18:10,100
Before we were married.
334
00:18:10,100 --> 00:18:13,940
I just thought it might help us
recapture the wonder.
335
00:18:13,980 --> 00:18:15,340
I wonder we didn't get pneumonia.
336
00:18:15,380 --> 00:18:17,380
Ooh, it was draughty!
337
00:18:17,420 --> 00:18:19,580
To me, it were a temple of Venus.
338
00:18:19,620 --> 00:18:21,820
Eric, it was a bus shelter.
339
00:18:21,860 --> 00:18:25,020
Fine! No necking, no custard.
340
00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:27,540
I mean, what's wrong with custard
anyway?
341
00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:29,940
Instead of rum sauce, for once?
342
00:18:29,940 --> 00:18:32,580
I mean, why do we always
have to have rum sauce?
343
00:18:32,620 --> 00:18:35,500
Oh, so you don't like my rum sauce.
344
00:18:35,540 --> 00:18:37,300
I suppose your mother makes
a better one.
345
00:18:37,300 --> 00:18:38,780
Did I say that?
346
00:18:38,820 --> 00:18:41,340
I mean, please explain to me
how my mother got here?
347
00:18:41,380 --> 00:18:43,020
She's never not been here.
348
00:18:43,060 --> 00:18:45,180
You even called her every day
on our honeymoon.
349
00:18:45,220 --> 00:18:48,100
Only till I got the hang of it.
350
00:18:51,540 --> 00:18:53,140
Teeny bit naughty, Wilburn,
351
00:18:53,140 --> 00:18:55,580
sending a respectable widow
a book like that.
352
00:18:56,620 --> 00:18:59,620
Poetry? It's hardly pornography.
Yes, I know -
353
00:18:59,660 --> 00:19:02,140
300 pages and not one picture.
354
00:19:04,940 --> 00:19:07,740
Certain juicy bits underlined.
355
00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:08,940
It was a mistake.
356
00:19:08,980 --> 00:19:11,420
You've no idea what a mistake.
357
00:19:11,420 --> 00:19:13,180
Oh, now, don't say that.
358
00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:16,700
I'm broad-minded enough to forgive
your attempt to seduce me.
359
00:19:16,700 --> 00:19:19,300
Wrong. You shouldn't forgive me.
360
00:19:19,340 --> 00:19:23,380
You should cast me aside. What?
For being in the grip of passion?
361
00:19:23,420 --> 00:19:25,820
No, it's understandable.
362
00:19:25,860 --> 00:19:28,660
You see, I... I have that effect.
363
00:19:28,700 --> 00:19:29,820
Not on me.
364
00:19:29,820 --> 00:19:34,300
I once had a meter reader
who daren't come in my house,
365
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:37,260
he was so in fear
of his passion for me.
366
00:19:37,300 --> 00:19:38,820
I can handle mine.
367
00:19:38,860 --> 00:19:40,900
Mm, he swore he could read my meter
through the window.
368
00:19:44,220 --> 00:19:47,140
It's too late, you know,
to deny how you feel.
369
00:19:48,380 --> 00:19:52,420
I know you long for someone
to share your lonely bed.
370
00:19:52,420 --> 00:19:56,500
No, it's a terrible bed. Lumpy.
371
00:19:56,500 --> 00:19:58,300
Takes years of practice.
372
00:19:58,340 --> 00:20:00,340
The cat was sick on it.
373
00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:02,420
You'd hate it.
374
00:20:02,460 --> 00:20:05,580
Well, now, this is not a promise,
375
00:20:05,580 --> 00:20:09,060
but I see no harm
if you wish to go ahead
376
00:20:09,100 --> 00:20:11,340
and purchase a new mattress.
377
00:20:15,620 --> 00:20:21,660
If I can have complete silence,
ladies and gentlemen,
378
00:20:21,660 --> 00:20:25,740
while I check to see if our
traveller
379
00:20:25,740 --> 00:20:28,140
is still in the cabinet.
380
00:20:31,940 --> 00:20:33,780
Come in.
381
00:20:35,140 --> 00:20:37,500
You don't say, "Come in," do you?
382
00:20:37,540 --> 00:20:39,620
You might not be there.
383
00:20:39,660 --> 00:20:40,980
So where am I?
384
00:20:41,020 --> 00:20:43,220
Nobody knows.
385
00:20:43,260 --> 00:20:46,420
Well, that's gonna be
handy, trying to find me way back!
386
00:20:46,420 --> 00:20:49,660
I don't want to hear another sound
387
00:20:49,700 --> 00:20:51,900
until after the magic word.
388
00:20:51,940 --> 00:20:53,580
What's the magic word?
389
00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:55,140
Wait for it.
390
00:20:56,900 --> 00:20:58,980
Doesn't sound
all that magical.
391
00:21:00,500 --> 00:21:01,660
Right.
392
00:21:02,740 --> 00:21:05,780
Traveller, be gone.
393
00:21:05,780 --> 00:21:09,820
I bid thee by this magic word -
394
00:21:09,860 --> 00:21:11,340
ogin,
395
00:21:11,380 --> 00:21:12,580
agin,
396
00:21:12,580 --> 00:21:14,500
wogin,
397
00:21:14,540 --> 00:21:15,900
gangin!
398
00:21:16,980 --> 00:21:18,820
That's four words.
399
00:21:20,020 --> 00:21:22,020
Oh, hey up.
400
00:21:22,020 --> 00:21:24,060
Don't go away. I'll be back.
401
00:21:24,060 --> 00:21:25,860
I wanna be back for tea!
402
00:21:27,220 --> 00:21:30,020
Ah, the Christmas fairy.
403
00:21:30,020 --> 00:21:31,180
Hello, Granville.
404
00:21:31,180 --> 00:21:32,500
Hello, Mavis.
405
00:21:32,540 --> 00:21:34,220
Why are you dressed for a funeral?
406
00:21:34,220 --> 00:21:36,620
No, I'm not dressed for a funeral.
407
00:21:36,660 --> 00:21:39,060
I'm dressed for magic.
408
00:21:39,100 --> 00:21:41,220
Oh, I thought we'd done that.
409
00:21:41,260 --> 00:21:43,780
And you weren't dressed in all that.
410
00:21:43,780 --> 00:21:45,580
Oh!
411
00:21:45,620 --> 00:21:46,780
Hey!
412
00:21:46,780 --> 00:21:49,020
Aww, you shouldn't have.
413
00:21:49,060 --> 00:21:50,460
Oh, it's all right,
414
00:21:50,460 --> 00:21:54,820
cos I've got...money to burn.
415
00:21:55,980 --> 00:21:57,500
Ah! See?
416
00:22:00,420 --> 00:22:01,620
Ha!
417
00:22:03,140 --> 00:22:04,260
So, what do you think of that, then?
418
00:22:04,300 --> 00:22:05,940
Yeah, yeah, yeah?
419
00:22:09,580 --> 00:22:11,780
Oh! I think your pocket's on fire!
420
00:22:11,820 --> 00:22:13,020
What? Oh!
421
00:22:13,020 --> 00:22:14,860
Argh! Me pocket's on fire!
422
00:22:14,860 --> 00:22:16,060
I'm on fire!
423
00:22:16,060 --> 00:22:18,580
Leroy! I'm on fire!
424
00:22:24,540 --> 00:22:25,780
You are...!
425
00:22:25,820 --> 00:22:27,820
Well, that wasn't supposed to
happen.
426
00:22:27,860 --> 00:22:29,380
Ooh...
427
00:22:37,620 --> 00:22:41,020
# Thank heaven
428
00:22:41,060 --> 00:22:45,980
# For little girls... #
429
00:22:57,100 --> 00:22:59,140
It gets better after Christmas.
430
00:23:00,140 --> 00:23:01,340
How much?
431
00:23:01,380 --> 00:23:03,380
Considerably.
432
00:23:10,740 --> 00:23:12,700
Is that you?
433
00:23:12,740 --> 00:23:13,740
Who's asking?
434
00:23:13,780 --> 00:23:14,860
Gastric!
435
00:23:14,900 --> 00:23:17,980
Hey up, I know who's asking.
436
00:23:18,020 --> 00:23:21,460
What are you doing in there? You're
supposed to be fixing my hairdryer.
437
00:23:21,500 --> 00:23:22,660
I'm coming, Madge.
438
00:23:22,700 --> 00:23:24,500
I'm always there for you.
Well, move it.
439
00:23:24,500 --> 00:23:27,540
And while you're at it, you might as
well stay for your dinner.
440
00:23:27,580 --> 00:23:28,940
Oh. Come on.
441
00:23:28,980 --> 00:23:32,100
Tell him I really am
disappearing now! Heh-heh!
442
00:23:41,980 --> 00:23:44,180
Ah! Ah!
443
00:23:44,220 --> 00:23:45,620
A witness!
444
00:23:45,660 --> 00:23:47,260
Right, OK. Stand there.
445
00:23:48,940 --> 00:23:50,500
Traveller!
446
00:23:50,540 --> 00:23:51,900
Be gone.
447
00:23:54,380 --> 00:23:55,700
Ogin,
448
00:23:55,700 --> 00:23:56,660
agin,
449
00:23:56,660 --> 00:23:58,820
wogin,
450
00:23:58,860 --> 00:24:00,460
gangin!
451
00:24:00,500 --> 00:24:01,580
Open the door.
452
00:24:03,540 --> 00:24:05,060
Ta-da!
453
00:24:05,100 --> 00:24:07,500
Well? Fetch him back.
454
00:24:07,540 --> 00:24:08,780
Yes, no problem.
455
00:24:10,820 --> 00:24:13,900
I'll just say the magic words.
456
00:24:13,940 --> 00:24:16,260
Traveller.
457
00:24:16,260 --> 00:24:17,340
Return.
458
00:24:18,980 --> 00:24:20,100
Ogin,
459
00:24:20,100 --> 00:24:21,740
agin,
460
00:24:21,780 --> 00:24:23,380
wogin,
461
00:24:23,380 --> 00:24:25,220
gangin!
462
00:24:29,660 --> 00:24:31,820
Thank you.
463
00:24:34,020 --> 00:24:35,940
Oh, I don't know.
464
00:24:35,940 --> 00:24:38,140
He's probably fallen asleep in
there.
465
00:24:38,140 --> 00:24:41,500
Leroy, go on, open up
the secret door at the back.
466
00:24:42,660 --> 00:24:44,100
Er... Gastric?
467
00:24:46,380 --> 00:24:47,580
Whoops.
468
00:24:47,620 --> 00:24:49,460
Don't you start!
469
00:24:49,500 --> 00:24:50,980
Let me...
470
00:24:57,580 --> 00:24:59,580
Where is he?
471
00:24:59,580 --> 00:25:01,460
What's happened here?
472
00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:02,620
Hey?
473
00:25:10,780 --> 00:25:13,180
Well, he... I... Well, I...
474
00:25:13,180 --> 00:25:14,300
He was in there,
475
00:25:14,300 --> 00:25:15,420
I said...
476
00:25:15,420 --> 00:25:17,860
And then... Ogin, agin...
477
00:25:20,300 --> 00:25:21,660
Where can I hide?!
478
00:25:21,660 --> 00:25:25,220
The Black Widow wants
to take me mattress shopping.
479
00:25:25,260 --> 00:25:26,900
In here, Mr Newbold!
480
00:25:26,940 --> 00:25:29,220
It's fine. Come on.
481
00:25:34,140 --> 00:25:37,420
Did I see Mr Newbold coming in here?
482
00:25:37,460 --> 00:25:38,500
Oh!
483
00:25:38,540 --> 00:25:39,780
Wilburn!
484
00:25:39,820 --> 00:25:44,100
Wilburn, it's...
It's such an inspiring book!
485
00:25:46,580 --> 00:25:49,940
There's a passage
I would love to share with you! Oh.
486
00:25:55,420 --> 00:25:58,060
Oh, I won't forget this, Leroy.
487
00:25:58,100 --> 00:26:00,380
Merry Christmas, Mr Newbold.
488
00:26:07,460 --> 00:26:09,580
Well, I could've sworn I...
489
00:26:09,580 --> 00:26:11,340
Oh, Mrs Featherstone,
490
00:26:11,380 --> 00:26:13,620
don't worry about Mr Newbold.
491
00:26:13,660 --> 00:26:18,580
Why don't you give Granville a surprise, hey?
It'll make his Christmas.
492
00:26:18,620 --> 00:26:25,100
What? You mean twinkle at him
like the Christmas fairy?
493
00:26:25,140 --> 00:26:28,100
Me too. Jump in here.
494
00:26:28,140 --> 00:26:30,340
Oh...
It's all right, you'll be fine.
495
00:26:30,340 --> 00:26:32,260
Oh. Oh.
496
00:26:37,100 --> 00:26:38,540
Has she gone?
497
00:26:38,540 --> 00:26:40,500
Oh, yeah, long gone. Yeah.
498
00:26:40,540 --> 00:26:44,180
Oh, Gastric!
He can't have disappeared.
499
00:26:44,180 --> 00:26:46,420
He must've just slipped out.
500
00:26:46,420 --> 00:26:47,980
What have you done?
501
00:26:47,980 --> 00:26:49,580
Nothing!
502
00:26:49,580 --> 00:26:51,900
Look, it's just an empty...
503
00:26:56,620 --> 00:26:59,540
If it's magic you're after,
try some of this.
504
00:26:59,540 --> 00:27:03,260
Agh! Hey, no! Hey, no!
505
00:27:04,300 --> 00:27:05,900
Ogin! Agin!
506
00:27:13,060 --> 00:27:16,660
Oh, it's been a funny old day.
507
00:27:16,700 --> 00:27:19,460
But I'm feeling lucky tonight,
508
00:27:19,460 --> 00:27:24,500
as must all of us who've ever survived
a close encounter with the Black Widow.
509
00:27:26,260 --> 00:27:28,900
You try to squeeze free
510
00:27:28,900 --> 00:27:31,420
and she mistakes it for
encouragement.
511
00:27:32,740 --> 00:27:36,660
She must work out.
There's a layer of muscle there
512
00:27:36,700 --> 00:27:41,260
beyond the expectations
of your small shopkeeper.
513
00:27:49,940 --> 00:27:52,420
Oh! Oh, Mavis!
514
00:27:52,460 --> 00:27:55,260
Ma... Mavis!
515
00:27:56,340 --> 00:27:57,500
Mavis.
516
00:27:57,540 --> 00:27:59,260
You squeaked.
Yes, I did.
517
00:27:59,260 --> 00:28:01,420
I did. I'm sorry.
Oh, don't be.
518
00:28:01,460 --> 00:28:03,780
I've been waiting for that squeak
all my life.
519
00:28:05,660 --> 00:28:09,460
I hear you're looking
for a glamorous assistant.
520
00:28:09,500 --> 00:28:11,380
Yes, I am,
521
00:28:11,420 --> 00:28:13,580
but I've given up magic.
522
00:28:13,580 --> 00:28:15,140
Oh.
523
00:28:15,180 --> 00:28:17,420
But I have one more trick in mind.
524
00:28:20,940 --> 00:28:21,980
Ta-da.
525
00:28:23,140 --> 00:28:25,380
Merry Christmas.
526
00:28:26,740 --> 00:28:27,980
Oh.
527
00:28:28,020 --> 00:28:29,380
Open it.
528
00:28:33,180 --> 00:28:34,260
Oh!
529
00:28:35,940 --> 00:28:37,860
If-If you like it,
530
00:28:37,900 --> 00:28:40,460
it's your engagement ring.
531
00:28:40,460 --> 00:28:42,420
Oh, I like this trick.
532
00:28:42,420 --> 00:28:44,820
Just tell me it won't disappear. No.
533
00:28:46,580 --> 00:28:49,060
No, it won't disappear.
534
00:28:50,980 --> 00:28:52,140
Come on.
535
00:28:54,700 --> 00:28:57,180
Yes!
36309
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