Original subtitles

-Previously on... -Hey, you go to OSU?

-I, uh, go to Tulsa, university.

- My dream house!

Been driving past this house since I was a kid.

-You should go to the open house.

-Vicki! -Robert. I heard you were back.

-Yeah, about a month. I miss Tulsa.

-You're pretty cute when you're trying to cheer me up.

-That is the goal.

-I've gotten us paired with Texas.

- The risk is obviously being paired

with someone who upstages you.

This means we'll be working with Mandy Green.

-Why do you have a picture of her in here?

-So that I don't forget she's out there, living.

-Brittany and I are on our way to Tulsa right now.

I can't wait to meet Samantha tomorrow.

-Really looking forward to it.

- This is completely unacceptable.

What kind of operation are you running here?

-It's a Humphries Electronic Super Center.

-This was supposed to be a Miss Oklahoma event,

exclusively Miss Oklahoma.

But what, you just decided to let Texas glom on?

-I wasn't really a part of the decision making...

-Do you know how many times Texas has threatened to secede?

Now, I love this country. Do you?

-Ma'am, the entire Humphries corporation loves this country.

-Well then, you shouldn't be undermining Miss Oklahoma's campaign

in favor of a state that's given us nothing but Vanilla Ice and Astroturf.

-Look, ma'am, I don't totally understand why this is an issue.

Last week I was doing maintenance at a Shawnee store,

and now I'm running a Super Center in Norman.

You see what I'm saying? Today's kind of a big deal for me.

- Vicki!

-Mandy!

- Well, I just wanna thank you so much

for letting us join today.

-Of course. This is exactly how I wanted today to happen.

-Thank you so much for your help.

I'm sure you have a lot to do.

Oh, and congratulations on your promotion.

- Thanks. -Now, I know I just sprung this on you last minute,

but if we're going to be paired, I figured why not dive right in?

-I couldn't agree more. -And this is such a meaningful event for us.

Humphries is so important to the Texas community.

Of course. I mean, obviously, the Humphries family is from Oklahoma,

so they're like royalty here.

Well, I suppose they're important everywhere.

-They really are. So important everywhere.

Particularly in Dallas. Where Denise Humphries lives.

With her four beautiful children.

-It's just so nice to see you, Mandy.

Hmm.

-Great. Y'all sit right there. You ladies look very pretty.

-Thank you. -Very pretty.

-So, do you go by Sam or Samantha?

-Some people call me Sam.

-Cool. I like "Sam."

-Uh, come to aisle 5 and have your photo taken

with the ladies who are competing

to be the next Miss America Starred and Striped United States.

-The guy in the camo hoodie

is 100% gonna jerk off in the bathroom after this.

-Wait, really?

-Oh, definitely. He has all the vibes of the sash chaser.

I really hate meet-and-greets.

- You don't look like you hate them.

-Just wait, you do this long enough

and you'll be able to smile like a psychopath

for 18 hours a day no matter what's happening.

-We should hang out some time. Gimme your number.

-OK. Yes, definitely.

-Hi, ladies.

-Hey, Sam!

-Manipulative little monster.

-She actually seems really nice. She asked me to hang out.

-Absolutely not. She might seem nice,

but trust me, that's only because she's good at this.

-Good at meet-and-greets?

-No. Well, yes, she's great at that, too.

-She has this ability to make every person feel

like she's speaking only to them.

-I know exactly what you mean.

-Yeah, we get it, she knows how to work an electronics store.

I was referring to the mental voodoo.

She's trying to get into your head, mess with you.

Psychological warfare.

-I really don't think that's what she's trying to do.

-Oh, Samantha, so help me God, you do not hang out with that girl.

You can spend some time with Mary instead.

-I want you to work with her on her walk tomorrow.

She can't keep wobbling around like some baby giraffe.

-When did rich people get together and decide

they all need kitchen islands to be 30 feet long?

I need an extra arm just to clean this thing.

-Bella.

-What?

-Never mind.

You OK? -Yeah, I'm fine. Why?

-I don't know, you just seem happy.

-No, I'm not.

-Oh, OK, never mind, then.

-Actually, Mom, there is something I wanted to talk to you about.

-OK.

-Well, I need a community service credit.

For school.

And I found this animal shelter that needs volunteers.

But the thing is, it's Saturdays and Sundays here in Tulsa.

-Well, I don't mind driving you.

-Yeah, but that would be crazy, having to constantly drive back and forth.

I thought maybe I should spend some weekends with Aunt Vicki.

You wanna spend some weekends with Aunt Vicki?

-No, I don't want to.

She's the only person I know in Tulsa.

-Well, you can ask her, Belle, but you know your aunt,

she'll probably be too busy.

She's not the type to change her schedule for family.

And don't let her start messing with your eyebrows or nothing.

-I mean it.

-Bella? Is everything OK?

-Hey, Aunt Vicki. -What's wrong, did something happen?

-What are you talking about? Calm down, everything's fine.

- Sorry.

You just don't normally...

What's up, honey?

-Well, uh...

I have to do this community service thing in Tulsa,

so I was wondering...

if I could spend some weekends at your place?

- My place?

You mean at my house? You wanna stay with me?

-If you don't mind.

-I think that would be fine.

-Awesome. I'll see you tonight.

-Oh, tonight?

Sure.

I'll see you tonight.

- Oh, my God! Sam!

Oh, I missed you so much! -I missed you, too!

-We have literally been telling everyone how you used to work here.

You're our claim to fame. -Oh, come on.

-Uh-huh. Everyone, everyone.

This is our very own Miss Oklahoma U.S.

These are for you to take home. You're getting too skinny.

-Thanks. But... I can't eat these, Deb.

-Oh, don't be ridiculous. Sure you can.

-No, I really can't. Sorry. -Oh.

That's fine, they're just, um, the same stuff anyway.

Butter, flour, sugar.

So... they're, um, they're being pretty strict with you, I guess.

-It's definitely different than being Miss Claremore.

-Mm-hmm. -I had to get totally naked for a spray tan.

This woman used like this... Hey!

-This woman used like this handheld sprayer thing,

like this big.

And she basically contoured my ass crack.

-Why would she do that?

-They just... take every last inch into account.

Even the stuff that stays covered.

-Oh, Jesus!

-But on the up side,

my ass looks awesome.

-So, how are you doing?

-Oh, good. Totally good.

-How's your family?

-The same, you know.

-Yeah.

Well, my parents definitely miss having you over for dinner.

-Oh, I miss it, too.

-And I just want to let you know that no matter what happens

when all this is over, we got your apron here waiting for you.

-Oh. Thanks.

But... hopefully...

hopefully... like, who knows what will happen at Nationals?

-Of course. You never know.

But it's gonna be real competitive.

And you should just be so proud of yourself

for making it to state level.

That's huge.

So, if the time comes, just give me a week's notice,

and I'll get you right back on the schedule.

- You look like Savannah. - You're Savannah?

- I guess I should probably tell you, I'm not Savannah.

- Did not expect this. Not at all.

-I'm actually Rene Mallone,

cofounder and CFO of Painting Laboratories.

- Oh, my God! -So, are you familiar with the show Undercover Boss?

- I am, yeah.

- You are on Undercover Boss.

- Oh, my God, I'm dying. You're killing me.

- So, Macy...

-Hey. -Hey.

-Hey. What's up?

-Somebody's late.

-Excuse me?

-You're late.

Is there a boy or something?

-I'm sorry, are you under the impression

that you and I are friends who joke about our personal lives with each other?

-No, Mary, I realize that's not the dynamic here.

-And for the record, I'm allowed to be late, you're not.

You know why? -Nope, I sure don't.

-Because I'm not Miss (bleep) Oklahoma.

Now stand up and walk across the room.

-You just want me to walk across the room?

That's it?

-What do you mean, "that's it"?

Girls have lost the entire thing on their walk.

There's a science to it.

-Are you using the literal meaning of the word "science" right now?

-There is a specific grading system.

Does the girl bounce too much, does she walk on the beat,

does she fall and make fools out of the entire team?

Walk across the goddamn room.

-Nope. You just placed outside the top ten.

-Like this.

â?? Hey, daddy, daddy would you look my way â??

â?? Let's get lost in a new dimension â??

â?? Hah hah hah hah â??

â?? Hey, daddy, daddy won't you come say hey â??

â?? So desperate for your whole attention â??

â?? 'Cause we're livin' up this life so don't you leave â??

â?? You know, I just gotta know you better â??

â?? Hah hah hah hah â??

â?? We're livin' up this life so don't you-- â??

-I feel like that's what I just did.

-Well, you feel wrong. Your walk was on beat to the music.

-Isn't that good?

-No. Makes it look like you're in a (bleep) Gap commercial.

The goal is to walk off the beat

and as natural as possible.

It's as if you don't even know there's music playing.

As though you were so goddamn beautiful and graceful

that the person looking at you might think that they're hearing music in their head,

that maybe you inspired the music into existence.

-I'm worried I'm not good enough.

-You're not, not even close.

However bad you think you are, multiply that by three.

-OK. How do I get better?

-You probably don't.

But your best chance is to listen to me,

listen to Nigel, and most of all, listen to Vicki.

And don't say stuff like, "Oh, you just want me to walk across the room?"

Now, while you think about that, I'm gonna go get a Red Bull,

and when I return, we're gonna do state capitals.

-Corrine keeps sending me these...

photos of Caribbean cruises she wants us to go on.

-The idea of getting stuck on a boat with a bunch of strangers

sounds like a nightmare.

-She probably just wants to spend time with you.

-Yeah.

Yeah, I guess.

-Can't blame her.

I'd like to put you on a boat

where you can't run away from me.

-I really like you.

-A little bit.

-You doing this on purpose?

-Excuse me?

- You heard me.

-I did, and I'm still not following.

-Why are you here? -Uh, well, OK.

Uh, this is an open house

and I recently moved back to town.

Need a place to live.

Do I need to explain further or do you still not understand the logic?

-Don't pretend you didn't know what I'm talking about.

This is my house.

-Really? Then why are you selling it?

-You know what I mean.

Every time we drove past this house since we were teenagers,

I talked about what my life would be like if I lived here.

-Well, Vicki, this is gonna shock you,

but I don't remember every conversation we've ever had.

-Those were important conversations.

-I don't know what you want me to say.

- He always does this.

He thinks he can just come back

and immediately get under my skin.

-You let him. -I don't.

-You always let him.

I've tried to talk some sense into you,

but you enjoy it too much, until you don't...

-You act as though I invited this.

-You are such a little idiot sometimes.

-Stop it. -You poor thing.

-Just stop it. -Focus on the positive.

Imagine how much worse it would be

if you had decided to raise Bella with him.

Then you'd be really miserable.

All three of you.

-I know all this.

You're just repeating yourself for the millionth time.

-What?

-He really would be a terrible father, wouldn't he?

-And you, my sweet girl, would be a terrible mother.

Like I said back then... people like you and me,

not meant for parenthood.

My advice? -Hmm?

-Forget Robert. Distract yourself, get laid.

Not having to use condoms is the best part about menopause.

Appreciate it.

-I'm not going through menopause.

-Of course you're not, sweetie.

I'd definitely go with the Sherri Hill.

The yellow's gonna make Samantha look

like a skinny little banana.

- This car is amazing!

-Thanks. It was my graduation gift.

What the hell is that? -It's my sash.

-I know what it is, I'm asking why you're wearing it.

-Well... aren't I supposed to wear it?

-Not when you're going to parties.

The last thing you need is to have someone

take a picture of you drinking in that sash.

-Well, I don't really drink, anyway.

-You will tonight.

-Whoa. This place is so nice.

-I guess.

-How do you know all these Tulsa people?

-The prep schools in Dallas play the prep schools in Tulsa in sports,

plus a bunch of us went to camp together.

-Brittany! Hi!

You look so skinny! Hi!

-Oh, I have been living at the gym.

This is Samantha, Miss Oklahoma.

My competition.

-Didn't you go to Kingswood?

-Oh, no, that was the other girl.

The one who crashed into a Noodle Express.

I went to Claremore South.

-Claremore South, like in Claremore?

-Yeah. We were the Pandas.

-Hey, Nathan, we're really sober.

-What do you guys want? Uh, Hefeweizen?

-That's perfect. -No, thanks. Just a beer would be fine for me.

You know what, I'll just drink this.

I'm sorry. -Your ex again?

-Just kid stuff.

She's supposed to have Grace for the weekend,

but now she's trying to get out of it.

I mean, I wouldn't mind, but Grace will be upset; she doesn't see her enough.

I'm sorry.

This is boring.

You have my full attention.

-That's OK, I'm not that needy.

So, how soon after your daughter was born did you two split up?

-Well, we were barely even together, to be honest.

She got pregnant after a couple months of dating.

-And you didn't try to push her down a staircase. Good man.

- No. No. I mean...

It wasn't with the right person, but...

it's still my kid, you know, regardless what I think of her mother...

-...which is very little.

What? What are you thinking?

-Just...

that you're a very nice man.

- And that makes you uncomfortable?

-Just suspicious.

Well, I'm hungry.

Oh, God, I am so sick of everyone

putting truffle oil on everything.

- You look terrified. -What?

-It's OK. This room is terrifying.

Like those guys? They look so judgmental.

Yeah, this whole place is kind of over-the-top.

-I know. -Like that pillow.

Who is that pillow for? It's so tiny.

Why would anyone want a pillow that small?

-That is a ridiculous pillow, now that you point it out.

-So, what brings you to the party?

-I'm hosting it.

-Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

-It's fine, I agree with you.

This place is insane.

Here, let's start this again.

I'm Brandon, this is my parents' house.

I have nothing to do with how they decorated it.

-â?? I like the boys boys boys boys boys â??

â?? And sometimes girls â??

â?? And sometimes girls they get me kind of hot... â??

-The only bad part's the parents.

I can't make small talk about my kids' reading level every day.

What?

-Uh, you have sauce on your chin.

-Oh. Sorry.

Sorry.

Are you OK? Where did you go?

-I'm sorry, I'm just suddenly not feeling very well.

I'm... I think I gotta get out of here.

-Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just rambling. We can go.

-No, no, you ordered food, so... you should stay.

-At least let me take you home, Vicki.

-You're in the middle of your food.

Please, stay.

I'll just Uber home and... and go to bed.

-OK.

OK, well, if you need anything at all, call me.

Like anything.

Feel better.

-Margaux, have you seen Brittany?

-You know, I think she left, but I did see her taking photos

of you and Brandon getting sloppy in the hallway.

-Brittany did that?

Oh, my God.

- Sorry.

-There you are.

I've been looking all over for you.

-You have?

-Yeah, dude. You disappeared.

-Thank God.

- OK.

Let me guess.

The phrase "psychological warfare" was thrown around.

-How do you know that phrase?

-It's definitely a part of pageants.

But it's not my thing.

It's not like I'm gonna have sex with your dad

to get in your head.

-Girls do that?

-2015, Google it.

-What about the pictures you took of me

making out with Brandon?

-What pictures?

-Margaux said you were taking pictures of me.

- Oh, God. You can't listen to Margaux.

I mean, she's technically my friend, but she's completely borderline.

-So you swear you weren't taking any pictures?

-I mean, I was... but they weren't of you.

It took me a while to get the angle.

-Mandy would probably love it if I brought you here to sabotage you,

but... no.

I'll let Vicki and Mandy's issues

be Vicki and Mandy's issues.

This whole process is crazy.

And lonely.

We need friends.

-It is crazy, right? -Mm-hmm.

-I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that.

-But in the long run, it's worth it.

-Ah...

I don't know.

It might be for you.

-What are you talking about?

-I don't know if you'll understand this,

but to me, all of this sort of feels like a vacation

in a very different life than mine.

And I'm almost scared to want any of it too bad.

Because... in reality, after my year's up,

I'm probably back to workin' in the bakery

and living with my dad.

-You worked in a bakery?

Oh, my God.

I bet you were so cute in your little apron!

-Oh, shut up!

Listen to me.

This is a launching pad.

You just have to play the game.

Look at 90% of news anchors in every major city.

What do they have in common?

Pageants.

-Yeah, but... I'm not good at this stuff like you are.

-I don't know how to say the right thing all the time.

I might think something's a totally fine thing to say,

and then it comes out all wrong.

And it seems like people outside of Claremore

get offended really easily.

-Look, I wasn't born good at this.

I trained for an embarrassingly long time.

Vicki will make you better.

And then life can be whatever you want.

So, why didn't you drink tonight?

-Are you kidding? I had like 11 shots of JÀgermeister.

This is what I'm like when I'm hammered.

-Oh, God. Go back inside.

What do you think you're doing?

-Make you smell like shit.

-You really are a piece of work.

-You comin' or not?

-The doctor diagnosed me with juvenile diabetes.

-Oh, shit. -Samantha, honey, how's your health?

-I don't really like needles. -Where have you been? -With some friends.

I know make-out hair when I see it.

-I have to drop you off four blocks away from your house. -Dad?

-Chris, hey! -We need to rethink the talent situation.

-It was really nice of you guys to ask me to hang out tonight. -Honey, this is a work night.

-Karaoke! -I don't think I can do this.

You have to believe in yourself.