Original subtitles

- * Oh, I can't get home fast enough, Santa Claus *

- I thought you weren't allowed to do electrical work.

- Oh, no, I'm not allowed to legally call myself

an electrician, but in my own home,

I can do as much subpar work as I want.

[car horn honking]

- He'll be right there!

Hold your horses, Susan!

I'm making freakin' family memories here!

- Mom. - Sorry.

Susan's just a little, you know...

Have a great time at practice.

I love you! - Love you, too.

- So I think we need to talk

about what happened on Thanksgiving.

- You mean the sex thing? I blame the tryptophan.

It probably gave me that cute-sleepy-koala-bear look.

- It did.

But we cannot do it again, okay?

I don't want things to get muddled for Cash.

Or for me. - Agreed.

Won't happen again.

- [exhales deeply]

Okay, if we're gonna do this,

it has to be just a holiday fling, okay?

It'll all be done by New Year's.

And before you ask, American New Year's,

not Chinese.

Oh, and we have to keep it casual, so no strings.

Do you think you can do that?

- Am I okay with just having sex and not doing any other

relationship stuff I'm terrible at?

- Mm-hmm. - [laughs]

Hell, yeah. - [giggles]

[gasps] Oh, fudge, we're gonna be late for choir practice!

Oh, and remember, nobody can know about this.

- Mornin'. - Mornin'.

- Hey, Jenny, you beat me here. - What?

No, I didn't. Wait, of course I did.

Wait, what? - What?

- Huh? - Yeah.

- Okay, everybody, um--

["Jingle Bells" playing] Wow.

We have this, but we don't have a lock on the bathroom door?

- Oh, what a shock, Arthur is the Grinch who hates Christmas.

- Such a shame, 'cause you look just like Santa.

- No, I love Christmas.

I used to conduct a sold-out Christmas concert

every year at Princeton.

- Oh, is that where you used to work?

I almost forgot. - Yeah, Princeton.

- Mm-hmm. - Quick!

Help me take this down.

- Okay, now we have to take it down.

Can we trade it in for a lock on the bathroom door?

- I just found out my parents are in town,

and they're headed here.

- The idea of you having parents

is somehow disorienting.

- They're world-famous.

- His parents are missionaries,

and when it comes to religion, they're...

What's the right way to say it?

- Strict. - Puritanical.

- Can we not say white? - You can't.

- My parents are wonderful people,

but they live by 1 John 2:15--

"Do not love this world or the things it offers you."

I'm sorry, Santa-- I love everything about you,

but my parents can't see my secular side.

I can't handle the judgment.

- Well, they're the ones

that should be worried about judgment.

Missionaries have no business coming into populations

and imposing their supposedly superior values.

- You mean like you do to us with music.

- Nah, that's different. I have taste. You don't.

- Taste this.

- Arthur, I've never kicked anyone out of this church,

but I think it would be best if you go home for a while

and don't come back.

- Well, you can tell your imperialist missionary parents

that they can spread the good word up my--

- Jax. - Hello, son.

- Ass. I was gonna say "ass."

- Mom, Dad!

It's such a blessing you're here.

One that was sprung on me with no time for mental preparation.

- Sorry for the short notice, but we thought it might be nice

for you to spend some time with your sister.

- Which one?

Not Graciela. She's finishing up med school.

Not Mishki. She's on her honeymoon.

Wei-Lin?

- No, you have a new sister.

Anjali.

- [muttering]

- Wow.

Your parents definitely have a type.

- * Hallelujah, Thine the glory *

* Revive us again

- We found Anjali in the same orphanage

where we found you, Jax, and just like then,

we fell in love and had to bring her into our family.

[chuckles]

- Can I read my Bible in the car?

- Just crack the windows so the Holy Ghost can get in.

What a shy one. - [chuckles] Aw.

Your church is so...

cozy.

- Well, you're seeing it empty.

I wish you could see it at a service.

It's so full...

of people... - Mm...

- Because I'm a good minister.

- I assume choir practice is off.

I'm just get out of here before I get adopted.

- [laughs] - That's Dr. Arthur Cochran--

our choir director and resident quipster.

Ha ha, Arthur. Bye!

- Were we just in the presence of the Arthur Cochran,

the--the famous conductor?

- Throw in "rumpled" and "handsome,"

and, yes, you would be correct.

Hi. - We are such huge fans.

- Well, thank you.

- Your Princeton Chamber Choir recording

of Handel's "Messiah" was exulting.

- Well, actually, "The New York Times"

used the word "revelatory,"

but let's not get caught up in semantics.

"Exulting" will do.

You know what I'm gonna do for you?

I've got some 8x10s in my bag.

I keep 'em handy for fans like you.

- Oh. [gasps] - Whoop.

[air hissing, "Jingle Bells" playing]

- Oh, no. - Jax.

- A Santa Claus in a church?

- Well, we have a lot of families here.

And the kids love it. - Yeah, of course they do.

But only God can give you the true gift of everlasting life.

- Thank goodness Anjali didn't see this.

- Okay, who should I make this out to--is it Luke?

It's fans like you that make stars like me.

How about that? - Excuse me, I'll just...

[holiday music playing, air hissing]

- Oh. You okay, Jax? - Yes.

[music stops]

- Amen!

- Oh, hey, Jenny, do you still need me to swing by later

and install that, uh-- - Please don't say "pipe."

- Pipe.

Yeah, okay, I'll bring my toolbox.

- So how long have you two been hooking up?

- What? Oh, no, that's crazy.

- Is it? [laughs]

- Okay, fine. How did you know?

- I have a sixth sense.

I know when stuff is gonna happen.

Like, I knew the ending of "The Sixth Sense."

- Please, just don't make a big thing out of this.

- I won't, but you have to tell me why.

- I don't know.

Sneaking around is kind of hot, you know?

I mean, it reminds me of when we were in high school

and my parents thought Wayne was a stone-cold loser

just 'cause he was on unemployment.

[chuckles, clicks tongue] - You have grown since then.

Wayne has not.

Isn't that why you wanted to divorce him?

- We're just having fun.

It'll all be over by New Year's.

I just--I need to get him out of my system.

- Ugh, like a bad taco or a blood-borne illness.

It sounds fun. - Shh.

- This is so much better than the food we had in Indonesia.

- We ate so much Sbarro's there.

[laughing] - I'll be right back.

Oh, milk.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy, tiger.

- I love having my parents in town,

but they're so successful.

I can't help but feeling like a loser around them.

- You're not a loser. You got a lot going for you.

Number one--you know me, and your parents love me.

Watch this.

Hey, guys, how's lunch going? Can I get you anything?

Maybe, uh, I don't know, a selfie with a famous conductor?

[laughter] Are there any around?

Oh, wait, that's right. Me!

[both laugh] - That would be such a treat.

- You know, I'm sure the real treat

would be for you to watch me conduct.

I'm so sorry you won't be here for our Christmas concert.

- Oh, we could have had the live broadcast.

Our two million YouTube subscribers

would have loved that. - Two million?

- Yes, but, sadly, we are boarding a plane for Thailand

on Saturday. - Aw.

- Well, that's ridiculous.

We can j--we'll move the concert up.

We'll just do it on Friday, right?

Could we? - Yes!

Then you can see the church packed to capacity.

- Oh, wonderful. - Friday it is.

- Are you insane?

- That's the night of the big UK game.

- Everyone'll be watching. The church'll be empty.

- [coughing]

Yeah, I think I'm coming down with something.

I don't think I can be there either.

- My parents want to see a concert,

and you are not going to disappoint them.

So you will show up, and you will like it!

- Wow, you really went Full Metal Cardigan there,

didn't you?

- How are we gonna find 100 people who don't want

to watch the UK game? - They can DVR it.

Everyone knows the game is so much more exciting to watch

after it's ended and you know the score from social media.

- Who cares about the people in the church?

There'll be over two million people around the world

watching it on YouTube.

- Two million people? Well, that's amazing.

- No, no celebrating yet. You still suck.

- We don't even have an audience.

Brains, brawn, you're in charge of getting butts in the seats.

I'm sorry--when I get stressed, I lose my filter.

- Okay, shall we dive in?

- You heard the man. Focus.

We need to practice 24-7 and find an audience

the other 24-7.

- This schedule's gonna cut into our fun.

- We found out a way to have sex on our class field trip

to Abraham Lincoln's birthplace--we can do this.

- I still have that hat. - I still have that beard.

- Ginny, Wayne! Pay attention!

[chimes playing] Carla!

Stop hitting those chimes!

- They're for "Carol of the Bells."

- Carla, don't just stand there!

Hit those chimes!

all: * Hark how the bells, sweet silver bells *

* All seem to say, throw cares away *

* Christmas is here, bringing good cheer *

* To young and old, meek and the bold *

* Ding-dong, ding-dong, that is their song *

* With joyful ring, all caroling *

* One seems to hear, words of good cheer *

* From everywhere, filling the air *

* Oh, how they pound, raising the sound *

* O'er hill and dale, telling their tale *

* Gaily they ring while people sing *

* Songs of good cheer - Be better!

all: * Christmas is here

* Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas *

* Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas *

* On, on they send, on without end *

* Their joyful tone to every home *

* Hark how the bells, sweet silver bells *

* All seem to say, throw cares away *

* Christmas is here, bringing good cheer *

* To young and old, meek and the bold *

* Ding-dong, ding-dong, that is their song *

* With joyful ring, all caroling *

* One seems to hear, words of good cheer *

* From everywhere, filling the air *

* Oh, how they pound, raising the sound *

* O'er hill and dale, telling their tale *

* Gaily they ring while people sing *

* Songs of good cheer, Christmas is here *

* Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas *

* Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas *

* On, on they send, on without end *

* Their joyful tone to every home *

* On, on they send on without end *

* Their joyful tone to every home *

* Ding-dong, ding-dong

* Bom

*

- what, you have a fly, right?

- [gasps] Hey. - Oh.

- Hi, there.

- Um, we like to pray in the supply closet

'cause, you know... [scoffs] Jesus was a carpenter.

- Ah. [door closes]

- Mom and Dad. - Oh, hi, sweetheart.

We are going to a fundraiser,

and I wonder if you could watch Anjali for a bit.

She's slow to warm up, but-- - Of course.

It'll be fun to connect with someone 30 years younger.

[door closes] - Hey.

Everyone is so excited about this concert on Friday.

I was thinking, at the risk of blowing out the Internet,

maybe I should record a promo for the fans.

- You mean build a little buzz?

- Yeah. - Rolling.

- Hello, I'm Dr. Arthur Cochran,

and I want you to tune into our Christmas concert this Friday.

It's doctor's orders!

- Fantastic. Nice take.

- It's not a take. It's a gift.

- [laughs] See ya later. - See ya.

- So you want to watch your big brother sing in a choir?

[door opens, closes]

Okay. [sighs]

Cash! You're a child.

Anjali's a child, too.

Why don't you two go play in my office?

- Actually, I--

- Wouldn't want to disappoint God?

[country-tinged holiday music]

*

- Can I try?

- I mean, I guess.

It's kind of complicated, though.

[gunshots and screaming on video game]

Did you just make a pipe bomb out of a sneaker?

I didn't know you could do that.

- How do I get one of these? - I don't know.

Ask Santa. - Who?

- You don't know who Santa is?

I'm about to blow your mind.

- Athanasios, you like music.

Come to the Christmas concert on Friday.

- Ah. No, thank you.

- A little less second-grade teacher,

a little more "Godfather."

Make him an offer he can't refuse.

Hey, isn't your family in town? - They are.

- Bring them to the concert, and I'll give you a day off.

- Throw in Greek Easter and my yia-yia's birthday, and I'm in.

- You drive a hard bargain. - Hmm.

- He should've held out.

I was gonna give him health insurance.

- I am so excited about this concert.

I just hope I can whip the choir into shape by Friday.

- Ask Santa for help. - What?

[chuckles awkwardly] Santa? Who's that?

No one, that's who. - You've never heard of Santa?

He's just like Jesus,

but he rewards people who behave righteously with toys.

- Interesting-- they are kind of similar,

aside from the obvious weight difference.

- No, he's nothing like Jesus, okay?

- So did you two have fun? - So much fun.

I learned about Santa.

He's gonna bring me this game called "Murder Car,"

where you kill people and then steal their cars.

- There's also prostitutes. - [gasping]

- What? What can I talk about?

- Jax--sweetheart, your brother has led you astray.

- [sighs] That was so fun,

I am not even gonna eat my feelings about it later.

- That's good, 'cause Dwayne only eats rabbit food.

- [chuckles]

Ew, gross!

I thought you gave up chewing tobacco.

- Oh. - Oh.

[objects rattle]

[gasps] That's my birthstone.

- Mm-hmm.

- What happened to no strings?

- Yeah, see, I don't think I can do no strings,

especially with you,

'cause I never wanted to break our strings.

- Whoa.

I need to think about this.

- I understand. It's a lot.

- Mm-hmm. - I'll take 'em back.

- Whoa, no. You just gave 'em to me.

No backsies. - They're real, too.

They won't turn your ear green or nothing.

- So, Barb, what are you doing this Friday?

- I'm going to the Wildcats game, obviously.

- It would mean a lot if you came to the Christmas concert.

- Can I have a solo? - You're not in the choir.

- Can I be in the choir? - Um...

If you bring three friends, sure.

- All right.

- Ah, please tell me Wayne didn't buy you those earrings.

- He's a new man.

They're the first gift he gave me that I don't have to feed.

- You know Wayne better than I do.

- Mm-hmm. - So you'd know how a man

who tries to pay his tab in snake eggs

would be able to afford fancy earrings.

- I don't have to ask. I trust him.

- Trust him enough to still have a joint bank account?

[suspicious music]

*

- [gasps] Son of a B!

[groans]

- Where's Mom and Dad?

- They're in the back recording a sermon for YouTube.

I'm sure it's "prodigal son" related.

You sure love the Bible, don't you?

- Well, we move around a lot.

It's one thing I can always count on.

- It's not easy bouncing around all the time.

[chuckles] I used to sneak away and watch movies.

You should've seen the look on Dad's face

when he caught me watching "If Rosemary had Baptized her Baby,

None of This Would've Happened."

- I used to love watching movies.

I watched them all the time back in India.

- What was your favorite?

- Anything with Priyanka Chopra.

- I love her. - Her Bollywood stuff.

Not the lifeguard movie called

"Running Around in Red Swimsuits is a Sin."

- Would it be all right if I tousled your hair?

- I'd rather you didn't. - And that's why I asked.

[chuckles awkwardly]

- That was nice. Except for that hair tousle.

That was weird. - It felt weird.

- Yeah, it creeped me out.

- Do you think my parents will get mad

about the whole movie thing?

- What, you connected with her. You--you made her smile.

Isn't that what church is all about?

- Could you repeat that when my parents are around

so they know I successfully ministered to an atheist?

- Jax, forget about what your parents think.

This is your church.

You need to think about how you want to reach people.

We have 24 hours before the concert.

What do you say--you want to Jax it up a little bit?

- Maybe, but it'll still be to an empty church.

- You worry about the music. I'll worry about the crowd.

Actually, I'll worry about the music and the crowd.

- Can someone take this?

I don't want to be seen with a big pair of scissors.

People project aggression onto men of my stature.

- Don't pass them to me.

I can't look my friends in the eye

knowing I cut off the UK game.

- Come on, give it to me.

The only thing people project on me is privilege.

Remember, after all, this is for Jax.

- It's this one right here.

I appreciate you making such a huge sacrifice for a friend.

- What sacrifice?

- This is the Internet connection

as well as the cable.

You're cutting off our chances to broadcast the concert

on YouTube.

- Torn between a return to relevance

and helping a weirdo in a cardigan

who I didn't even know four months ago.

- He looks really cute in that cardigan, though.

- Damn it.

He does.

[electricity whirs off] Let's go!

Go, go! - Got it.

- [humming innocently]

- There you are.

Did you take money from our joint account

to buy those earrings?

- Part of it, yeah,

but then the rest I invested in my buddy Dookie's business.

- I can't believe I thought you changed.

This is something the old Wayne would've done,

and in case you forgot, he's the one I'm divorcing.

- It's a can't-miss.

He's turning Tracy Chapman lyrics

into inspirational towels.

- Take these back.

I think it's best we start

our New Year's resolution early this year.

- Oh, but, Jenny...

Tracy Chapman's never been hotter.

This is her year.

[indistinct chatter]

- Look at this crowd.

We haven't had this many people since Google Maps

accidentally listed us as a "Second First Churros."

[indistinct chatter]

- What is Barb doing here?

- Oh, she's in the choir now, and she has a solo.

- What? - Go with it.

- [sighs] Good evening, everyone!

Welcome to The Second First Church of the Cumberlands.

I, of course, am world-renowned choir director

Dr. Arthur Cochran.

I have worked with bigger choirs.

I have worked with better choirs.

But I have never worked with a choir

that has made me so happy, and that is because of one man--

Our Reverend Jax.

Give him a hand. [applause]

So, this year, we're celebrating Christmas his way.

[quietly] And apparently anyone is allowed to join.

all: * Joy to the world, the Lord has come *

* Let Earth receive her King

* Yeah

- You guys! It's a Bollywood Christmas!

* Joy to the World

* The Lord has come

* Let Earth - * Let Earth

- * Receive - * Receive

all: * Her King!

* Santa Claus is coming to town *

* Let every heart

* Prepare Him room

* You better watch out, you better not cry *

* You better not pout, I'm telling you why *

* And Heaven - * And Heaven

all: * And Heaven and Nature sing *

* Santa Claus is coming to town! *

* Joy to the world, joy to the world! *

* Santa Claus is coming to town *

- Ho, ho, ho, ho!

all: * Santa Claus is coming to town *

* Joy to the world, joy to the world *

* Santa Claus is coming to town *

- Don't forget-- keep the Christ in Christmas.

all: * Santa Claus is coming

* To town

* Joy to the world

[cheers and applause]

- That service was awesome! Is it always like this?

- We try.

Next week I'll be improv'ing my sermon.

Like, I'll ask for a place, and someone will yell, "Heaven!"

And then I'll, like, riff for 30 to 40 minutes.

- I'll be back for that. - [laughs]

So, uh, I know my service was a little, uh...

unorthodox.

- Unorthodox, uncouth, uncalled for...

- But you did get Anjali to come out of her shell.

- So you must be doing something right.

- Boy, I'll say. That service was so moving,

it almost caused me to doubt my atheism.

- [gasps]

- I'm kidding. Merry Christmas.

- I, uh--I thought about what you said,

and, uh, I'm gonna go to the bank tomorrow

and open up my own account.

- Oh, well, thank you, but that doesn't change anything.

- I know.

I also started a college fund for Cash.

- With what money?

- Well, it turns out that Costco

picked up Dookie's towels.

We made our investment back plus a little something extra.

- Well, I guess it is Tracy Chapman's year.

- Sure is. Look at us.

We made it through this no strings attached.

- [sighs]

There is one tiny string.

I might be pregnant.

[suspenseful music]

- Well...

Cash won't be happy that half his $38

is going into the baby's account, but...

- [sighs]

- It's only right.