Original subtitles

Sam, read our script and loved it.

How many times have you guys slept together.

- Now! Is when you decide you like me? - I don't like you, Hugh. I hate you!

Oh, my God, she loves him.

We need Hugh and Sam to be together. So, that Mr. First Lady gets made.

I think we need someone else to look at our script and tell us what to do.

Did you get my text?

Don't come, Nat's being an asshole.

You're such a dick! I am not being an asshole!

- No, no. No! No. - Guys. Guys.

No.

Jim, uh, thank you so much for doing this again.

Oh, please, are you kidding?

I love doing Principal Butts.

By the way, are you guys doing the benefit show

at The Groundlings?

Uh, sorry, Jim, I didn't have the button down, what was that?

Oh, no, no, I was, I was just asking if you guys

are gonna do the benefit show at The Groundlings?

Oh, yeah, we're all doing it. Hugh and Larry and I.

I'm going to that show. I already bought my ticket.

You guys better make me laugh or else I'm gonna ask for a refund.

That's lovely, ask for a refund

at a charity benefit show.

Oh... sorry I'm late.

Chaos at my home.

What happened?

Jen has so much morning sickness, it's in...

Uh, why is Jim here?

He plays Principal Butts.

Um, I actually had a, um, a note that I wanted to give him.

It was an acting note about this scene.

- Hey, Larry. - Hey, how's it going?

Good.

Um, how's it going?

- It's great. - Good, it sounds great.

Well, you just got here, you haven't heard anything.

Uh, this is probably gonna sound kind of weird.

Um, but they don't know that I came to you

to try to be your writing partner.

- Larry... - No, don't look at them,

don't look at them, look at me.

Oh, my God.

I just think that they might be hurt.

- Yeah. - You know, or offended or something.

So, it would just be great if you just didn't...

He's trying to leave you guys? You guys carry him.

So, just maybe give a nod like I just gave you an acting note.

- Just give you a nod that... - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

...I understand this gross behavior, okay.

Got it.

- All right, thank you. - Yup.

- Sounds great, thanks. - Sure.

We're good, he got it.

All better.

He's got it.

It was a long note, what'd you tell him?

I just told him to play it more subtle... more real.

He has a tendency to be a little big, a little broad.

So, just take it down.

Well, how come, um, you didn't say any of that?

You pressed the button and you listened in?

You thought that we wouldn't?

I mean, that's a violation of trust, number one.

Second of all, that's a...

that's a betrayal. That's a complete betrayal.

Dorf, you gotta think on your feet faster than that, man.

That is some bad improv.

If you do that in their show,

I am gonna ask for my money back!

This is exactly why we were here last time.

Larry goes behind our backs and then lies about it.

You lied, you both lied.

Last time we were here, you said right to Dr. Kaine...

I'm not a doctor.

Well, you said right to Mr. Blaine Kaine

that no one in the group was sleeping together.

And then it turns out you were!

It had nothing to do with you.

And it's over so it's a non-issue.

It's not a non-issue.

You almost blew up our meeting with Sam.

Why are we talking so much about Sam?

I feel like this lady just came into our lives

and busted up our threesome.

She did not bust up our threesome.

No, what busted up our threesome

is you two having a twosome inside our threesome.

What busted up our threesome

is you going off and try to shack-up with someone else.

I don't wanna do that!

I wanna be with you.

And I wanna be with you.

Oh, so Larry, you and Hugh are bisexual.

Okay, that makes sense.

I owe myself 20 bucks.

What? No!

I just don't like being the person on the outside.

That's it. I liked it before

when we were all a tight unit.

Actually, Larry, I think the three of you

could benefit from a little more separation.

Are you familiar with the concept of individuation?

- Mmm, yes. - Great.

Rachel, can you explain to Hugh and Larry what individuation is?

I actually, I don't, I, I was just saying...

You, you, you tell, you should tell.

Hugh, Larry, individuation is something

that Rachel doesn't know anything about,

but she just pretended to know all about.

And what happened is she embarrassed herself.

Right, Rachel? You're embarrassed?

And I hope by pointing it out that I've helped you.

Thank you.

Now, individuation is the process

of becoming more aware of one's own wants and needs.

Once you've done that, the goal is to be honest

about your wants and needs

and sharing those wants and needs

with others close to you even at the risk of disappointing them.

Maybe this'll help.

This is you, Hugh... okay?

This is you, Rachel.

And this is you, Larry.

You see how you're all on top of each other?

You're enmeshed. That's very unhealthy.

Okay? Now what we want

is something a little bit more like this.

This is you, Hugh.

This is you, Rachel.

This is you, Larry.

You see? You're still linked.

But you're still individuals.

I'm not following you.

I think I'm a visual person. I need to see it.

Are you... he just drew a picture for you.

Just what's... just give me the summary, like, the headline.

Like, you're saying in order to fix everything,

we need to do what?

He needs the bumper sticker.

You know, the quick fix that doesn't do anything.

You know, you can say that without yelling

and I'll hear it just as well.

In a word, honesty.

Honesty's the best policy, got it.

Great, I was hoping we would get

to this point in our work eventually.

Took a little longer than I thought.

This is an honesty pledge.

By signing it, each of you agree to be 100% honest

with each other even if the truth hurts the other party.

Uh, this looks like something for a third-grader.

Well, it was designed specifically for children.

I find that with my Hollywood clients, it's the best approach

since you're all emotionally children anyway.

Interesting, even your signature is sarcastic.

And again, that's not a judgment.

This is information that I hope you find helpful.

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

- So, have you heard from Sam? - No.

So, we still don't know if Paul Skidmore

has read our script.

Nope, we sure don't.

And you don't wanna just pester her

just a little bit?

You're right, that's a great suggestion.

I should pester her, she'd like that.

Well, I have to go to the restroom.

And in keeping with our honesty pledge,

I do not just have to pee.

Oh, my God!

I'm supposed to tell you the truth

even if it makes you uncomfortable.

- It does. - Well, that's your issue.

- That is not my issue. - Okay.

Also, I will be using

the women's restroom

based on the assumption

that it will be cleaner.

What was that?

Uh, nothing.

Nothing? It's something.

Okay, since we're being honest, um...

I signed up for a dating website,

and I just got asked out on a date.

Oh, well, um,

that's great, that's fantastic.

I want you to be happy...

honestly.

If going on a dating website makes you happy,

then I'm happy for you.

I'm happy to hear you say that.

"Hey Sam, would you like to see

"our Groundlings show on Thursday?

"Hugh would never tell you, but he'd want you to be there.

"Also, after the show,

we can all talk about 'Mr. First Lady.'"

Send.

Just one moment, please!

Oh, by all means, don't wait for me.

Ooh, who's that stud?

Deacon.

Deacon.

Snowboard guy.

You don't know how to snowboard.

Good job, Rooch.

- Get that stud. - Thanks.

Well, you should invite him to The Groundlings show.

For our first date?

Yeah, it's perfect.

He can see you on stage being funny.

Then you get a drink afterwards at the bar.

It's a perfect first date.

Hmm.

Are you inviting Sam?

No, no way.

Who's that from?

Personal.

Um...

I just thought it'd be good if you invited Sam.

You know, like, 'cause then she'd see you in a good light.

And, uh... all of us would just stay on her radar.

I would hate to know she's out in the audience.

It's embarrassing to me.

Mm-hmm.

- What are you writing? - Nothing.

- Let me see who you're texting. - Don't look at my phone.

- Let me see! - You're touching me

- and I don't like when you touch me. - What?

- Your circle is touching my circle. - You...

It's literally touching my circle.

This is a personal thing that's not a big deal. _

And there it is, it's gone, you'll never see it.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen!

Welcome to The Groundlings Theatre!

Thank you.

Uh, my name is Jim Rash.

And we have a very special Groundlings show tonight.

Uh, every year, 10,000 new cases

of multiple sclerosis are diagnosed.

That's 200 new cases per week.

So, statistically speaking, someone in this audience,

someone you love will get MS.

All right! Let's bring out some improvisational actors!

Let's start right away with

Stephanie, Jordan and Larry to the stage.

Don't sit down, get right back up.

Uh, we're gonna start with a little Shakespeare.

So, I want you to yell out

made up titles of Shakespearean plays.

Something that sounds like he wrote it but did not.

So, just yell them out, I love them all.

Okay, oh, "The Road to Her Ruin."

That's what I got. Uh, so we're gonna see a climactic scene

from "The Road to Her Ruin."

Let's give it up for 'em!

My lady, I see that the road has ruined thine ankle.

Each stone and pebble upon this road

is the judgment upon my choices in life.

I am a wizard from Shakespearean times.

My lady, shall I kill this fool!

I am from the future!

- Kill him! - The land of Shakespeare.

Wait, wait! No, no, not...

Again!

If you didn't understand that last line, no one did.

Oh, all right, you've been a wonderful audience.

We have time for one more improv.

So, let me get Rachel and Hugh to the stage.

Uh, this is a little thing I like to call audience directs.

So, I'm gonna ask you for a suggestion.

We're gonna base a scene on that suggestion.

But every now and then, I'm going to freeze the scene

and I'm gonna come back to you for another suggestion.

Then the scene will continue from there.

You'll see how it works.

For now, where are they?

Where are they? Those are all great!

Yeah, a laundromat, I heard laundromat.

So, we take you now to a laundromat.

Let's give it up for 'em.

Oh, my clothes are wet.

Oh, well... oh, you haven't pressed the dryer!

Okay, wait, freeze, freeze, freeze.

Okay, Hugh has the next line.

What does he say?

Look at all these turtles!

Look at all these turtles.

Oh, look at all these turtles.

Oh, they're all the turtle print on your pajama bottoms.

Yes...

Oh, let me introduce myself.

I'm the landlady.

What brings you to this building?

My wife died.

Okay, freeze, freeze, freeze.

Okay, what do they do? What do they do next?

They kiss.

Oh, great, they kiss.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- Ooh... - So sorry about your wife.

Well...

Stop! That's enough of that.

We should be done with the scene.

Black, black it out! End the scene, please!

Um, okay, right, great! Okay, uh...

I'm sorry, I guess Larry, you were done with that scene.

All right, and, uh, that is our show! Thank you!

Rachel, Rachel.

What?

Don't you think we should talk?

About what?

We kissed. That was not acting.

Well, I was just going off of you.

Oh, come on, Rachel, you signed an honesty pledge.

Why did you guys do that?

Oh, I am not having this conversation right now.

My date is waiting for me in the lobby.

Oh, do you wanna know who else is waiting out there? Sam.

What's she doing here?

I invited her.

You knew I didn't want her to come to this thing.

I asked her before you said that.

Jesus Christ, Larry!

Whatever happened to honesty is the best policy?

That's an impossible standard.

She left, thank you.

Fartlemans. Davidson.

You got that Ramras tongue action.

Guess what? That was because of me.

That was my suggestion. I'm the one who said they kiss.

Oh, that's, that's great, Craig.

Thank you.

Hey, Ramras!

Get over here!

Come on.

You... were amazing.

Oh, Craig.

I'm gonna go call Sam.

Hey, man, great show, wow.

That was inspiring.

Hey, man, great show, wow.

- Oh. - Oh...

Deacon, Larry, Larry, Deacon.

Nice to meet you, thank you very much.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

That's a strong grip you have.

- CrossFit. - Yeah.

Oh, we're actually gonna go get a drink across the street.

So, okay.

All right.

Wow, Dorf, so much theater punani here.

Oh, who's the girl with the glasses?

- Oh, uh, that's Rachael Harris. - Yeah?

She's a Groundling. She's been in a million things.

Is she single?

Uh, no, she's not single.

She's married, she has a child.

Guess what, Dorf, I don't care, watch.

Hey, Rachael.

Hey, I'm Craig.

- Hi, Craig. - Can I get a picture with you?

- Sure, you can. - Big fan, giant fan.

Oh, well, thank you for that.

That's very nice.

- And... cheese. - Hi, cheese.

Oh, wow, look at you.

You look very sexy.

Incredibly sexy.

Can I, uh, email you a copy of this photo?

What?

Can I have your email so I can email you a copy of this photo?

Uh, I'm just, I'm honestly just getting a bit of a...

bit of a creepy vibe.

- From? - From...

- Hey, Larry... great job. - Hey, there.

Great show.

- Thank you very much. - Yeah.

What did you like the best of all the things that I did?

- She texted. - What'd she say?

"Saw your show, I'm exhausted, heading home."

Uh-huh.

I'm very sorry.

I need a drink.

All right, I'll go too.

Again, I am very sorry.

I should not have invited Sam without asking you.

No.

Honesty pledge...

I really need this Paul Skidmore thing to happen.

I mean, four kids.

Could you even... like, what is that?

I don't even know what that is.

It's four kids.

Am I gonna need, like, a special bus?

It's gonna be great.

It's gonna be expensive.

So, do you snowboard, or...?

Yeah, I mean, I, I snowboard every day.

In the, um... like, when there's snow and, um...

- Tight, for sure. - Tight, I mean, it's so tight.

Yeah.

I do love being a dad.

I love to complain about it, but I love it.

This morning, I was trying to get Jack dressed.

And he just was running around naked all over the house.

"I don't wanna get dressed! I don't wanna get dressed!"

But then, Jen texted me this picture.

He wound up picking out his own clothes for school.

I mean, that's the greatest thing in the world.

Yeah.

You don't care about that.

No, you're probably right.

Anyway, did Sam text you back?

No, nothing.

Aha.

- I got a joke for you. - Oh?

What has two hands and wants to grab a body?

- Deacon. - Yeah, exactly.

Is it crazy to go to Malibu right now at 11:15 at night?

I think that's the right move.

And I'm not just saying that because I want you to salvage

your relationship so that our movie gets made.

Although, that is what I want.

So maybe that is why I'm saying it.

I think I'm gonna individuate myself from you.

Drive the 45 minutes to the beach.

- Night. - Good night.

I thought you guys would be a lot funnier to hang out with.

Yeah, the powder in Utah sucked this year.

So much more of it in Idaho right now.

Um, totally.

Totally, totally, um...

I need one more, I think.

- Okay. - Yeah.

God Almighty!

We're sorry, your account has been suspended

due to missed or late payments.

Our office is now closed.

Uh, customer service?

If you would like to reinstate your Auto Club account,

please call Monday through Friday during normal...

Main... menu.

I'm sorry, you're having trouble, goodbye.

I wasn't sure whether or not

you'd had the greatest night of your life,

so I thought I'd break down on the side of the road.

The finest the mini-mart had to offer.

Tulips, my favorite.

You sure you don't wanna give these to Rachel.

No, I don't wanna give 'em to Rachel.

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.