Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Going down the rabbit hole

Where we're going no one knows

Obstacles 'round every bend

Let's see where the tunnel ends

Hey there! Ted Tucker here, nature survivalist.

Because I'm awesome and because I feel like it,

I am finally documenting my genius

for you lazy viewers at home.

Now, if you'll excuse me, nature calls.

(SNIFFING)

-(LAUGHING) -(PANTS ZIPPING)

Uh-oh.

As I was saying,

I've been going on month-long wilderness expeditions for years.

But the time has come for me

to pass some of my wisdom onto you.

Now, in past expeditions, I've drank my own tears,

outran a puma with an unexpected weight in my pants,

and one time, I almost starved, so I ate a family of rabbits.

Huh?

-That's right. A family of rabbits. -What the...

The number one rule of wilderness survival

is finding a suitable campsite.

(EXCLAIMS) What was that?

(CHUCKLING) This is gonna be fun.

The first thing you wanna do is build yourself a shelter.

Now, I'm gonna show you

an easy way to build a lean-to.

Just stack a bunch of sticks and branches

against a fallen log, like this.

And wham-o!

You got yourself a safe and sturdy lean-to.

(GRUNTS) I'm okay.

(GRUNTING)

Okay, okay, I know what I did wrong.

Last time, I didn't make sure

the branches extended far enough over the log.

Look at how sturdy it is now.

I'll be protected from the elements in no time...

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

(STRAINED GRUNTING)

Step two of setting up your lean-to is to set up a tent.

Now, this tent will provide me adequate shelter

from nature's nighttime elements.

Getting proper rest is very important,

so I'm gonna turn in a little early.

-(HOWLING) -What was that?

(HOWLING CONTINUES)

(SHUDDERING)

Since we're miles from any drinkable water,

I've collected almost a full cup of sweat from sandwich baggies

I strategically placed in the ling of my clothing.

Now, I just need to boil it to make it drinkable.

(GRUNTS)

Eureka!

(STAMMERING) What was that?

No, no, no, no, no, no!

(SLURPING)

(CHOKES)

I'm going to perish out here.

(SOBBING)

Remember, "A family of rabbits".

If you're rations are running low,

you can live off the land.

Now, you wouldn't want to eat these berries.

These cause dry mouth, nausea, and diarrhea.

So, I'm off to find some edible blueberries to eat.

(CHUCKLING)

(SLURPING) Mmm.

Delicious... Oh!

(HOARSELY) These berries shouldn't cause dry mouth.

(GRUNTING)

(IMITATING CHICKEN)

(SHUDDERING)

Morning! (STRAINED CHUCKLE)

Today, I'm gonna show you how to set up an animal trap

using a few simple knots.

Few simple... (GRUNTING FRUSTRATINGLY)

Ah. And there we go.

Just rember, these traps are super sensitive,

even the slightest movement can set it off.

(EXCLAIMS)

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTING)

(STRAINING) Now, the most important thing

to rember in a situation like this

is to be as calm and collected as possible.

(EXCLAIMING)

(SOBBING)

(SNORING)

-(SAWING) -(GRUNTS)

Mommy, Daddy, Mommy. Mommy, Daddy, Mommy. Mommy, Daddy.

(SNORING)

Shh.

BUGS: Coochie-coochie-coo!

(EXCLAIMS) What the...

Whee!

Who's there?

-(GROWLING) -(SCREAMING)

Ow! Ow! Ow!

(PANTING)

-(SCREAMING) -(GROWLING)

(SCREAMING) Oh! Just get it over with!

Hmm. Maybe I'm being a little too hard on this guy.

TED: I'm so hungry.

I sure could go for a family of rabbits right about now.

No, I'm not.

(SHIVERING)

Mommy, Daddy, Mommy. Mommy, Daddy, Mommy.

Mommy, Daddy, Mommy. Mommy, Daddy.

If you feel you've been out in the woods too long

and nature wants to destroy you,

you can always build a signal fire.

Come on! (GRUNTING)

I can't take it anymore!

(SCREAMING)

BUGS: It was sure nice of him

to leave all his cameras behind,

so I could edit this together.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(HUMMING)

(SCREAMS) Oh, the horror!

You fellas are scary.

A mummy and a pirate.

And what are you supposed to be, fella?

I'm an imp.

An imp, huh? Never heard of it.

Well, enjoy the treats, fellas.

Happy Halloween.

Have a "ghoul" time. (CHUCKLING)

Don't let me catch you "goblin" too much candy.

And stay warm. You wouldn't want to start a "coffin".

What a cute bunch of Halloweenies.

(CHUCKLES)

Finally, All Hallows' Eve,

the night in which we all deceive.

And I, Impkin, the Pumpkin King,

mayhem and mischief I will bring.

(CHUCKLING)

-(KNOCK ON DOOR) -Showtime!

Happy Hallow...

Hey, it's the imp again.

Didn't you get enough the first time around?

Trick or trick?

Actually, it's "trick or treat".

I said trick or...

(MANIACAL VOICE) Trick.

Come on, kid, don't be greedy.

You're taking all the fun out of Halloween.

(GASPS)

-The nerve of that kid. -(EGGS SPLATTERING)

Hey, kid, don't you think

you're taking all this too far?

Give me that mask!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Hmm. Maybe this isn't that kid.

(GROANS)

Ugh! Hey, let me in!

Why, that little...

Huh?

(CHUCKLING) Oopsies!

No! Not my comic books!

-(CHUCKLING) -(KNOCK ON DOOR)

-Hey, open up. -Yes?

Look, I don't know who you think you are, but listen...

No costume, no talkie.

Voila!

Are you happy now?

You didn't say, "Trick or treat".

-(KNOCK ON DOOR) -Huh?

-Trick or treat. -IMPKIN: Too classic.

-(KNOCK ON DOOR) -Not scary enough.

-(KNOCK ON DOOR) -Too scary.

Too grim. Too goosey-goosey.

Too stiff. Too nursery rhyme.

Too tight.

Oh, come on, you're not even trying!

No matter what I do, this mischievous imp

just doesn't want to play along.

Hmm. Play along... That's it!

Good luck keeping your sweatpants up now.

-(CLATTERING) -Hmm?

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

I'm turning over a new leaf.

I mean, it's Halloween.

We all should be causing a little mischief.

You think you can out-mischief me,

Impkin, the Pumpkin King?

Come here, and let me show you how it's done.

BUGS: Oh, man! I love what you've done with the place.

But I thought you were supposed to cause mischief not make improvements.

Huh? What?

You want mischief? I'll give you mischief!

Let's see how you like this.

Mischief! Yeah!

(GRUNTING)

-(COMPUTER BEEPS) -(CHUCKLING)

I just deleted your entire music library.

And I destroyed my novel,

that I'd been writing for the past 15 years.

Oh, yeah? What about this?

BUGS: Oh, yeah? Well, what about this?

(GRUNTS)

Pumpkins, hear me, mischief I weave,

roll to me this Hallows' Eve.

Hokey-spokey, little chant.

-Clearly, you're out of ideas. -Oh, you'll see.

Oh, you'll see the inside of a mop bucket.

You're cleaning up this house.

Now what in the pumpkins...

Are those guys all here for you?

Actually, they're all here for you.

Come in. Come in.

Lickety-splickety, turn with the tide,

change to spiders and become my ride.

(CHUCKLES) Get him, my children.

(SHUDDERS)

(SCREAMS)

Yes! Yes!

This way, you little web-spinners.

(LAUGHING)

Yes! Hey, don't touch the hat!

Hey, what are you doing? I'm in here.

You tricked me!

You win.

Pumpkin minions, toil and trouble,

return to your patches on the double.

Be a good bunny and cut me free.

I guess I should apologize

for deleting all of your Bossa Nova albums.

What do you think you're doing?

(INDISTINCT MUMBLING)

See you later.

Oh, hey, you forgot your...

Magic hat.

Hmm. Don't mind if I do.

Carrots, hear me, mischief I weave,

come to me, this Hallows' Eve.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

Well, it was worth a shot.

(DOOR CLOSING)

BUGS: (SCREAMING) Get out! Get out!

(NORMAL VOICE) Wait. You can stay.

Going down the rabbit hole

Where we're going no one knows

Obstacles 'round every bend

Let's see where the tunnel ends

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