Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Going down the rabbit hole

Where we're going no one knows

Obstacles 'round every bend

Let's see where the tunnel ends

Ugly mountains, ugly trees, ugly bear.

Get out of the way!

Argh!

(MOANING)

Stay there, bear.

Huh? Now the clouds are moving.

Nature is all wrong!

Argh!

(HUMMING)

(GASPS) What the...

JACK: Dumb trees and their dumb colors.

And the gloves come off.

(HUMMING)

-Hey, Jack. -Hey!

Can't you see?

I'm attempting the most important part of fine art, the signature.

Ha-ha!

I don't know, Jack.

Seems like there's more to it than that.

No. Without a signature the art is only half art.

-A what? -Half art. Half art!

Sounds like a lot of hot air to me.

Okay, Grandma Moses. Whatever you say.

No. I'm Jack the painter.

Now go!

I would, but I believe I have some of your handiwork here.

Hmm? (LAUGHS) Well, let me sign it for you.

Ooh, I forgot to dot the eyes.

(LAUGHS)

You can have that one for free.

Well, fight war paint with war paint, I always say.

Say, Jack. You're pretty good.

Ah, but you got it all wrong.

I took some art classes at the Y.

So, you gotta put some core shadows over here,

some highlights over there, and...

Voila!

And you can have that one for free.

-(GROWLS) -Paint's a little thin with that one.

-JACK: Argh! -Yipes!

(GROWLING)

You gotta do better than that.

Ha! We could do this all day.

Hmm? Uh...

(SCREAMING)

(THUDDING)

JACK: Aren't you that bear I hit with a rock?

-(SCREAMING) -(BEAR GROWLING)

(PANTING)

Good evening, sir.

Do you have a reservation?

Don't you know who I am?

I'm Jack the painter!

Oh, let's see, then.

Jack...

-Jack in the box? -No.

-Jack and the bean stalk? -No!

-I see Jack here... Jack Strap? -(GROWLING)

No. It's Jack the painter.

Why don't you look harder?

Oh, ah, here it is.

We have a wonderful table for you, sir.

Right this way.

Give me that! (GRUNTS)

-(BEAR GROWLING) -(JACK SCREAMING)

Woo-hoo-hoo!

Argh!

Whoa!

Mommy! (SCREAMS)

(HUMMING)

(GRUNTING)

Hey, Mac. Care for a balloon?

(INHALES SHARPLY) A red balloon!

Just like the one Papa used to give me on the boardwalk.

(YELPS)

Wow!

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Nice bear.

No... (STAMMERING)

-(BEAR GROWLING) -(JACK SCREAMING)

(SIGHS) Finally.

Rabbit!

Uh-oh.

(GROWLING)

(GASPS)

Why, you little...

(GRUNTS) Want some art?

I'm gonna give you some art.

I'm gonna stick some art right in your...

Hey, you come back! Hey!

(SCREAMING)

JACK: Ow!

Owee... Hmm?

BUGS: Yoo-hoo!

(GROWLING)

Well, here we go.

(PANTING)

-(GRUNTING) -BUGS: Yoo-hoo!

(SCREAMING)

(LOUD THUD)

Why, you little...

(SCREAMING) Oh, no!

(THUDDING)

-(BRANCH SNAPPING) -(JACK SCREAMING)

-(THUDDING) -(JACK GROANING)

(GROWLING)

Hey!

(SCREAMS)

Nice bear!

(GROANS)

(JACK SCREAMING)

BEAR: Hmm?

Whatever happened to that painter guy?

(GRUNTS)

Help me.

You know what, Squeaks?

I think that's Jack's good side.

(THUDDING)

(BEAR GROWLS)

The Lincoln Memorial.

Good old Honest Abe.

The Illinois rail splitter.

Well, this is definitely worth a photo.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Oui, oui, Pierre. Is it ready for pickup?

Excellent.

Green messenger bag?

Oui, I see her.

BOY: Excuse me, ma'am.

Did you know that the reflecting pool

holds over 6.75 million snapping turtles?

Lincoln, Lincoln, what ya thinkin'?

Attracting over 24 million visitors a year.

Fascinating.

Enjoy your precious freedom while you still have it, boy.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

(WHISTLING)

Lots to see. Better keep moving.

(WHISTLING)

Finally.

These documents will make us the most powerful nation on Earth!

Huh? What is this?

A collectible Thomas Jefferson memorial spoon?

A Jimmy Carter snow globe?

White House garden carrots?

You!

(PHONE BEEPING)

Claudette here. No, Pierre, there's been a mix up.

An ignorant American bunny has taken the bag.

No. No excuses. I shall get it back.

Handsome bunny rabbit,

I see you have found my satchel.

My silly little American brain caused me to forget it.

So, I will just take it back.

Hands off the man purse, if you please.

I believe you're looking for the lost and foundry.

It's that-a-way. Best of luck.

Please, monsieur Bunny.

I will be willing to give you all this money.

Uh, clearly you made this money yourself.

Are you from around here?

Moi? I am from Me... Um, Minnesota, don't you know.

Now be a darling and give me my bag.

(STAMMERS) Not so fast, lady.

If you like my bag so much, go buy a knock-off.

If there's one thing D.C.'s full off, it's fakes.

You are not getting rid of me so easily, Mr. Bunny rabbit.

My eau de pur nombre cinq

will make quick work of him.

Try a free sample of D.C.'s hottest new cologne,

Washington Whiff.

I'm more of a au naturel kind of guy.

(SNIFFS)

But I guess it couldn't hurt.

-(SPRAYING) -(BUGS COUGHING)

It's mine, all mine!

(SNAPPING)

(SCREAMING)

Oh, there's my bag. I wondered where I dropped it.

-(DUCKS QUACKING) -(SCREAMING)

-(GROWLING) -(PHONE BEEPS)

Claudette here.

Oui, Pierre. I have him in my sights now.

Do not worry.

This American imbecile is no match for my superior tactics.

Photo op.

Oh, ho-ho-ho! Congratulations!

What?

You are the billionth tourist

to visit the Washington monument this year.

That makes you the lucky winner

of this check for a billion dollars.

Just sign here, for a lifetime of hamburgers,

fries andles skinny jeans.

Um, okay. But what should I do with all my stuff?

Just set it down.

Now sign here with my exploda-pen!

Gee, thanks. Exploda-pen?

I've never heard of that brand before.

You would almost think it the means the pen...

Just sign it!

(MUFFLED SPEECH)

(BLOWS A RASPBERRY)

(SNICKERING) My exploda-pen

will make short work of that furry nuisance.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Did you know that the Washington monument is 555 feet tall?

That's the equivalent of 687 number two pencils...

Fascinating.

Here's your pen back.

-Hmm... This must have been malfunct... -(EXPLODES)

There's my camera.

Hey, where'd my bag go?

(WHISTLING SOUND APPROACHING)

(CLAUDETTE SCREAMING)

(COUGHS)

Mon bag!

Rescue the plans...

He's coming back.

Must escape.

I did not think this through.

-(SCREAMS) -Hey!

Whoa...

Camembert!

You found my bag.

Oh, no, you don't.

Yikes!

Excuse me, sir, did you know that the Lincoln Memorial

was so massive that it could absorb a laser blast?

Fascinating.

What are the odds?

(GASPS) My bag!

I have always found that mercy

bears richer fruits than justice.

(CROWD CHEERING)

-Not really. -Oh, fromage...

(CLAUDETTE GROANING)

Oh, and Bugs, I found your messenger bag.

Ooh, thanks, Abe.

(GRUNTING)

-(PANTING) -(EARPIECE BEEPING)

Yes, Mr. President.

The Lincoln statue has been deactivated.

Over and out.

Ooh, hi, there.

Welcome to the Lincoln Memorial.

Did you know that...

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