Original subtitles

♪♪ And now the purple dusk ♪♪

♪♪ Of twilight time ♪♪

♪♪ Steals across the meadows ♪♪

♪♪ Of my heart ♪♪

♪♪ High up in the sky ♪♪

♪♪ The little stars climb ♪♪

♪♪ Always reminding me ♪♪

♪♪ That we're apart ♪♪

♪♪ You wander down the lane ♪♪

♪♪ And far away ♪♪

♪♪ Leaving me a song ♪♪

♪♪ That will not die ♪♪

♪♪ Love is now the stardust ♪♪

♪♪ Of yesterday ♪♪

♪♪ The music of the years ♪♪

♪♪ Gone by ♪♪

1954.

You don't get years like that anymore.

It was my favorite year.

Look.. Look at that Buick.

See, that's what I'm talking about.

In 1954, a Buick was a Buick.

It didn't look like a Chevy, which looks like a Pontiac

which you can't tell apart from an Olds. Like today.

This is the way people dressed in 1954. Smooth, huh?

♪♪ Somewhere there's music ♪♪

♪♪ How faint the tune ♪♪

♪♪ Somewhere there's heaven ♪♪

♪♪ How high the moon ♪♪

In 1954, television was live, and comedy was king.

Comic stars like Milton Berle,

Sid Caesar and Jackie Gleason

kept America in front of their TV sets.

I was the freshman writer on The Comedy Cavalcade

starring Stan "King" Kaiser, Saturday nights at 8:00.

There. There I am. That's me.

Benjy Stone, the guy carrying the guy with the sword.

The guy with the sword is Alan Swann.

The greatest movie idol of all times

and my personal hero.

That week, Alan Swann was the guest star

on The Comedy Cavalcade.

This is where we wrote the show.

30 Rockefeller Plaza.

"30 Rock," we called it.

Here I was, two years after being asked

to leave Brooklyn College

and already I was earning more money per week

than the entire fourth floor of my mother's apartment house

on Ocean Parkway in Brooklyn.

Anyway, 1954, the week Alan Swann was the guest star

on The Comedy Cavalcade was a major turning point for me.

It changed me.

Hold it. Hold it.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning.

♪♪ Stay friends ♪♪♪♪

- Good, huh? - You talking to me, Sy?

Look who I'm asking.

- Sorry I'm late, Sy. - The food. The food!

- Give me my food. - The coffee shop was jammed.

"Fine, thank you, Sy. And you?

Oh, really? No, I didn't think so."

What is this? Tea? I didn't order tea.

That's Herb's. He had the tea and dry toast.

This is yours, Sy.

Extra-large coffee, six sugars

lightly toasted bagel, heavy butter

schmear of cream cheese, grape jelly, right?

Wait a minute. Where is my crumb cake?

They were out. Sidney put in a bear claw.

- Alice, what are we seeing? - Clips from Swann's movies.

Clips from his crap. Roll 'em, Herb.

This is Captain From Tortuga.

Captain from crap.

This is from Rapture.

You call what Swann does acting? That's not acting.

That's kissing and jumping, and drinking and humping.

I don't know why we're wasting our eyesight on this crap.

Swann's never gonna show up anyhow.

- We'll find him, Sy. - What happened?

He landed fine last night.

- That much we know. - So, where is he?

Where else? Drinking and humping.

Hello.

Hi.

Crap. This is crap!

That was the best part.

There is no "best part."

Swann never made a decent movie in his life.

Sy, that one, Defender Of The Crown

is a classic.

Crap.

And so is Captain From Tortuga.

- Crap. - What about Swords Of Glory?

- Crap. - Amarillo?

- Crap. - Sands Of The Sudan?

Crap. Benjy, you wanna see movies, get a job as an usher.

The rest of us are here to write professional

show business comedy.

In your case, semi-professional.

What's the matter, Herb, you can't talk to a person

like a regular, normal human being?

- No. - Come on!

King wants us to see a run-through

of the "Boss Hijack" sketch.

Hey, Janine.

When you gonna let me get into your box?

Hey, kid, I read your bullfighter sketch last night.

- You liked it? - Dozed off halfway through it.

Hey, come on, don't get the wrong idea, kid.

It's not that it wasn't funny.

It's just that it wasn't funny.

Sy, I read that sketch. I thought it was terrific.

Then maybe you should be head writer, Alice!

- I couldn't take the chance. - What chance?

That I'd become like you.

Hold it!

Whoa.

Oh, uh, K.C.?

Lil, Mr. Silver wants to see Helen's costume

for "The Three Musketeers" sketch.

Now he wants it

when I'm up to my ass here in threads!

- Ugh. - So, uh..

Let's just have a quiet dinner tonight.

- Danny's Hideaway. - Lil!

We'll split a Chateaubriand, medium rare.

- I got it. - Careful with the tiara, kid.

You break it, you bought it.

Then a hansom cab ride through Central Park.

From there we hop over to the Algonquin for a cordial.

And we end the night at your place.

What do you think?

Benjamin, why would I wanna go out with you?

Every time you come near me, you embarrass or humiliate me.

I mean, what do you want from me?

Sex?

- What is the time? - I don't know.

- Don't you have a watch? - No.

I'm not allowed to wear a watch.

Why not?

I can't trust them.

Why?

One hand is shorter than the other.

Hi!

Do you have the time?

It's 9:25.

Are you late for something?

Always.

And I'm never quite sure for what.

People, people!

I hate to break up the Last Supper

but I wouldn't mind seeing a run-through.

Sorry to tell you this, uh..

but King threw out the monologue.

Leo, that monologue was good.

Check that! Perfect! I wrote it!

Here's where Sy Benson draws the line.

- Sy, don't do anything crazy. - King's gotta be taught.

First comes the word, and the word was "funny."

The monologue stays, or I go!

Sy, maybe we can compromise.

No compromise.

Sy Benson has his integrity, his pride.

King does that monologue word for word or I walk. I walk!

Monologue's in.

- Good morning, King. - Good morning, King.

- Hello, Stan. - Yeah, good morning.

- King, about the monologue.. - Sy, do you smell something?

It's coming from the script.

Oh! It's your monologue.

Oh, what a stink burger!

K.C.

Pull!

Boom!

I hate it. It's not funny. It's out!

Hey, babe, we're not married to it.

Monologue's out.

Sy Benson, a tower of Jell-O.

K.C.

I, uh, think I went a little too far with Sy just now.

I really hurt his feelings.

I gotta get him something.

Here's a hundred bucks, get him something.

Tires are nice.

Get him a set of tires.

Call my brother in the Bronx, he'll tell you where.

Boss Hijack sketch from the top.

K.C.

Electrics and cameras, please. Cameras.

Whitewalls.

Whitewalls?

Here we go.

Four, three, two..

And come in!

- Who owns the gray '51 DeSoto? - The new guy, Harris.

You're parked in Boss Hijack's spot.

You better move. The boss has got some temper on him.

How bad can it be?

You're lucky we're on the second floor here.

It slowed him down.

Somebody parked in my spot.

Move your car.

That blackout has got to come a beat sooner.

Screams, I guarantee a scream.

Well, now all we need is another 27 minutes

and we got a show this week.

Coming in, Sy!

Herb!

- Swann here yet? - He's on his way.

Alfie went to pick him up, and then he's, uh...

Not here yet, right? Great.

Look real nice today, Alice.

You like the shoes I sent ya?

Oh, yeah.

Then why'd you send 'em back?

They were the wrong size.

And they were used.

Come on, come on, roll this thing.

Benjy, lights!

Is this guy going to be funny?

He jumps around nice, but is he going to be funny?

En garde!

Oh, good God! It's Renfield!

I thought he was dead.

Oh, yes! So he is!

Very good with the sword though.

Good morrow to you, ladies and gentlemen.

He's plastered!

So are some of the finest erections in Europe.

If I were truly plastered, could I do this?

Signor Bumbacelli, would you hold my sword?

Hah!

Well, we know he can do that.

It's still ticking.

Alfie! Alfie! What happened?

To begin with, there was some difficulty at the airport.

Mr. Swann here has been reclassified.

- Reclassified? - Yeah.

- As freight. - Oh, boy.

Then Mr. Swann wanted to make a couple of stops.

Alfie, I told you to take him right to the Waldorf!

Whoa, I gotta slam your brakes on, Mr. Silver.

When I'm driving Mr. Swann, he's chief of the car.

And when the chief says he wants to make some stops,

Alfie Bumbacelli makes the stops.

And that's what I live by.

Well, at least we've got plenty of time to replace him.

- Dump him. - Leo.

Isn't there some way? I mean, the man is a legend.

Stan, what do you think?

I don't know.

He is a legend.

One of the biggest stars ever. He's one of a kind.

A guy like this is irreplaceable.

Replace him, Leo.

- You can't. - Too risky. He's out.

But, King!

You're right.

This is too risky.

You can't take a chance with something like this.

But, King, you're a big star now

and I'm sure you always will be.

But suppose.. Just suppose..

And I know this is never gonna happen.

But suppose, someday you wind up like this.

I hope nobody does to you what you're doing to him.

Dump him.

Who are you to talk to me like that?

You little Jiminy Cricket pest bastard!

All right, he gets one more chance.

- No! - Yes!

Yes!

Yeah, but now you, you're gonna be responsible for him.

Swann better be at every rehearsal sober

or it's your ass, you understand?

Now, see, Sy, this kid's got balls.

A week's salary Swann takes a dive.

- Hey, Swann dive. - You're on!

Double the lad's bet for me, you toad.

All right now, pick a card. Go ahead. Any card.

Priscilla, come here.

Now put it back in the deck, anywhere.

- How long you working here? - About a year.

- You look real nice today. - Thank you.

Here, write your address down here, put it on my desk.

I'm gonna send you some steaks.

- Is that your card? - Yeah, that's my card.

Mr. Silver, Boss Rojeck and his lawyer are in your office.

It's about the "Boss Hijack" sketch.

Where you going?

- With you. - What for?

To meet Boss Rojeck.

Stan, what's the matter with you?

You think he's here because he likes

the "Boss Hijack" sketch?

You think he likes being made a fool out of by you

in front of 20 million people every week?

- I don't know. - Stan.

He's here because he wants us to drop the "Boss Hijack" sketch.

Think so? Let's go find out.

All right, all right. Maybe you better change first.

Why?

Well, that outfit might set him off.

Ah.

Mr. Rojeck, sir, I think you've made

a wise decision to come here.

I think this gentleman will be able talk to us

about our problem in a mature way.

I'm sure he'll see reason, sir.

There should be no problem whatsoever.

- Myron Fein. - I'm Leo Silver.

This is King Kaiser.

- What do you say, Myron? - My client, Karl Rojeck.

Karl? It's not "Boss?"

Stan! Uh..

Gentlemen.

We'll all be sitting now, Mr. Rojeck.

I'm sure we're all aware that

my client, Mr. Rojeck, is one of the most respected

labor leaders in America today.

Oh, that's why they subpoenaed him.

Stan!

Mr. Kaiser, a subpoena is not an indictment.

Now, it has come to our attention

that on two separate occasions,

September 4th, 1954 and September 18th, 1954

a character referred to as Boss Hijack

was portrayed in your television program.

We feel that this character to a great degree

is based upon my client.

That's you, Karl.

According to our lawyers, your client is a public figure

and as such, uh, has already forfeited

certain rights of privacy.

Granted. However, even though

Mr. Rojeck concedes that point

he feels that the portrayal of said character

is slanderous and defamatory and done with malicious intent.

Therefore abrogating the public figure defense

and rendering it..

...to wit, actionable.

Did you say that, Karl? What a guy.

That's it.

I wanna clear some things up here.

- Oh? - This is a stupid show.

And that is a stupid, stupid suit.

And I don't wanna see it no more.

Hey, take it easy, Karl.

I mean, if you really don't wanna see it no more..

- ...then don't watch. - Stan!

Let me explain something to you, Karl.

We're gonna keep on doing this sketch. You know why?

Because it's funny.

And in my business, you never cut funny.

Funny, huh? Let me tell you about the business I'm in.

I'm in the removal business.

Now, if I were to feel

that this stupid thing from this stupid show

was bothering me,

I'd remove it.

You see, it's gone.

And I feel good.

Now, that's how

the removal business works. Do I make myself clear?

I think everyone understands, Mr. Rojeck. Shall we please..

Hey, no, wait, wait, wait, I'm not clear about

a couple of things here.

What you're saying is that in this removal business

if something bothers you, like, um..

...like, say this.

Then you remove it.

Stan, that is a cashmere coat.

- Like that. - Stan!

You know, you're right.

You do feel better.

I like the removal business.

I want you.

Come on. Come and get me!

Come on, come on, come on.

That's enough!

A fightin' is rounds.

This is Round 1.

So the first time I drive him, is what?

Right before the war, 1938.

- Wow. That makes it 16 years. - Yeah, we go way back.

You drive anyone else?

Sure, but when Mr. Swann's in town, I drop everything.

Upstairs, boys, all right?

♪♪ La la la la lum pum pa ♪♪

♪♪ La la la la lum pum pa ♪♪

♪♪ La la la la lum pum pa ♪♪

♪♪ La la la la lum pum pa ♪♪

♪♪ La lum.. ♪♪♪♪

Wonderful to be alive.

Make sure he don't fall.

What is our estimated time of arrival?

Go ahead and lash me, you swine!

You'll not loosen my tongue!

Whoa! That's from Captain From Tortuga.

Excuse me.

Had this made special for when he travels.

Calls it his "Drunk suit."

I have to remind him to work

on some tear-away shoes.

Good idea.

Oh, my God, I'm blind.

I cannot see.

Help me get him into the tub.

I got him.

This is probably more than $35 a night, huh?

- Try $250. - $250 a night?

Well, what's that mean to a guy like Alan Swann?

Nothing. When you ain't got nothing, it don't mean nothing.

What are you talking about?

You're lookin' at tap city in there.

That's his stockpile. Grab 'em, will ya?

These must be his drinking socks.

Who's this?

That's Tess, his daughter.

Daughter? I didn't know he had a daughter.

- Where is she? - She's in Connecticut.

He always has one secret bottle

hidden somewhere for emergencies.

Got 'em all now.

Nah, that guy never actually shot him.

You see they was supposed to have this duel.

And I think it was over that Peron dame.

Anyhow, they both showed up drunk, and, uh..

Alfredo!

Swann sorta shot himself.

Pa-pa pa-pa pa pum pum.

Pa-pa pa-pa pa pum pum.

Pa-pa pa-pa pa pa pum pum.

Alfredo, my dear old chum.

Tell me, how in the name of God did I get here?

- Begin at the airport. - Oh, this is Benjy Stone.

One of the writers from The Comedy Cavalcade.

How do you do?

Alfredo, we should pop in and see these people.

Yes.

Plenty of time tomorrow, Mr. Swann.

And since this is your first time

working in television,

they've asked me to stay with you

and help you over some of the rough spots.

Like showing up?

That's one.

Another is not passing out.

An honest one.

Signor Bumbacelli, we'll be two for dinner.

Telephone the Stork Club.

You sure you mean the Stork Club, Mr. Swann?

Certainly. It's been a year and a half.

Surely they've repaired the wall of the bandstand by now.

Would you like to talk about the sketch before you leave?

On an empty stomach? No. We'll talk over dinner.

Uh.. Me? You? The Stork Club?

Well, after that rather eloquent speech

you made earlier this morning,

I didn't think you'd mind having dinner with me.

You heard that?

But you were out.

There's out, and there's out.

I'd like to make reservations..

So, Stone, what sort of heroic idiot am I this time?

- A musketeer idiot. - I read that on the airplane.

Very funny, very good.

- I wrote that. - Did you?

Bravo, Stone. Bravo.

Okay, Mr. Swann, table for two at the Stork Club.

Let's move it.

Comedy is such a mystery to me.

I feel the way Edmund Kean did.

The great English actor?

Mmm.

On his deathbed, Kean was asked how he felt.

He answered..

"Dying is easy.

Comedy is hard."

Ah, Mr. Swann. It's a pleasure to see you, sir.

Pleasure to be seen.

Benjamin Stone, my colleague.

Alan! You look absolutely marvelous.

As do you.

We must talk.

Thank you.

Mr. Swann.

Alan, good to see you.

- Call me, will you? - Surely.

I'll call you.

- Welcome back, Mr. Swann. - Curt.

- Can I get you something? - Perhaps.

Uh, Curt..

Who is that gorgeous-looking creature over there?

Oh, no, Mr. Swann.

This is exactly the way it started last time.

In that case, we'll just order dinner.

For now.

Victoria was the one I should have married.

Apart from being the finest actress I've worked with,

she was the most gracious and intelligent woman

I've ever known.

Was it true the two of you lived together

while you were filming Rapture?

Lord knows, I was married to almost all of her friends.

Why did you marry so many of them?

Stone, I didn't marry any of them.

They married me.

Excuse me, Mr. Swann. I'm Alvin Horn.

My wife Ann and I are celebrating

our 40th anniversary.

Congratulations, sport.

You certainly have more staying power than I.

It would mean so much to her if you could

stop on your way out and just say hello.

Why wait?

Lead me to the fair Ann.

Stone... in a few minutes I shall require a diversion.

Oh..

Mr. Swann, my wife Ann.

Mr. Horn, may I have this dance with your beautiful wife?

Of course.

Come back here!

Whoa! Whoa!

Uh-oh.

Is it always like this?

Somebody stole my girl.

To the question, "What were you doing naked

in Central Park in Bethesda Fountain

at 3:00 in the morning?"

Swann replied, "The backstroke."

Now, is this your idea of watching him, Benjy?

The police are treating it like a parking ticket.

- It's no big deal. - No big deal?

We got kids watchin' the show.

We're talkin' generations to come here.

We're discussin' morals here!

You're not qualified to discuss morals, Sy.

Up your hole with a Mello-Roll, Alice. And yours, too, Herb.

Leo, it gets me sick to think we got to put up

with some washed-up jaboney who's gonna be

running around Central Park with his schlong hangin' out!

My dear fellow, what I choose

to do with my schlong is my business.

- How's business? - Never better.

- Stone, good morning. - Good morning.

- Morning, all. - Morning.

Morning.

- Good morning. - Morning.

When King gets here, we'll read through the musketeer sketch.

My assistant, K.C. Downing, Mr. Swann.

- How do you do? - Hello. Uh, oh.

Uh.. If there's anything you need

uh, I can take care of it for you.

Anything?

Oh. Within reason.

Let's begin with some tea, and see where that leads us.

- Ah, tea. - Hmm.

Uh.. Oh, do you drink bags?

I mean, do you, I mean, are these okay? Tea bags?

- Oh, surely, surely. - Oh.

- Now... - Good morning, Mr. Kaiser.

What do you say?

Leo.

Oh, and, uh..

Good morning, uh, Mr. Swann.

Where's the musketeer set?

Okay, it isn't here.

That's where it is.

And they won't deliver it.

Rojeck did it. Now are you happy?

- Rojeck? - Yeah.

Oh, I've got a great idea.

Let's-let's just drop

drop the "Boss Hijack" sketch this week.

Give me that set, do you understand? I want that set.

I don't care if you have to rent trucks, find drivers.

Get that set here! Build a set! Steal a set! I don't care!

Nobody's gonna tell King Kaiser that..

Okay, I'm gonna go back there

and get my script

and then I'll come back here

and we'll read through the sketch

and then we'll work out

the set problem. Okay, Leo?

Okay, everybody, let's chase ten minutes.

Cavalcade.

Benjy Stone! Telephone!

You got..

- Hello? - Benjamin, darling.

Ma, did you watch the show Saturday night?

No, we watched wrestling instead.

Of course, I saw the show.

- Well? - Well, what else?

It was brilliant, darling.

Just one thing.

Who-who is this "Benjy Stone?"

Ma, don't start in.

Do you think.. Shh!

Do you think I'll ever see the name Benjamin Steinberg,

a real name, go by King Kaiser's face one day?

Look who's talking, Mrs. Belle Carioca.

Carroca! Carroca!

Carroca! Carroca!

Rookie, shush.

See, now you upset your stepfather.

Ma, could you just call him "Rookie"

and not my stepfather all the time?

Benjamin, darling..

Rookie, dust!

Before your beloved father passed away

and eventually died, he said to me..

"Belle..

"...after I go, get someone to be with.

Someone nice. A pal."

So you went out and found a Filipino bantamweight

named Rookie Carroca?

Rookie Carroca, who held the title

for well over six months.

Until Manny Serpa turned him into guava jelly at the Garden.

Serpa butted him.

I'll fight Serpa today, and take him apart.

Do you hear what you've started here?

- Ma! - What?

Was there a reason you called?

Only to remind you that you're coming here

for dinner tomorrow night.

Oh, no, ma, I can't make it.

Alan Swann's on the show

and they made me his keeper.

- Alan Swann from the movies? - Yeah.

Rookie, Alan Swann from the movies.

So bring him along!

Bring Alan Swann to Brooklyn?

Well, why not?

- What are you ashamed of? - Everything!

And, Benjamin, when you get here, be nice to my Rookie.

- He likes you. - Yeah, and I like him.

I tell you what, I'll bring him a present.

Does he need a new machete?

Eyes..

It's always in the eyes.

You. I would like a word with you.

Oh, Benjamin, uh, we're in the middle

of an interesting conversation here.

Oh, I bet it's real interesting.

What's the subject of this interesting conversation?

These eyes.

They're Merle Oberon's eyes.

Merle Oberon's?

Oh, and what's Merle doing for eyes?

Using Katherine Hepburn's?

Uh.. Um..

Excuse me, Alan.

Excuse me, Alan.

Benjamin, what is the matter with you?

Me?

If you're gonna fall for every movie star

who comes on the show, what kind of a future

are we going to have?

The same as we have now. None!

Wait.

Give her a head start.

It gives her the illusion she's being chased.

These cans say, "crushed."

Where the hell are the pineapple girls?

Hey, I'm sorry.

I acted like a jerk.

You're being too easy on yourself.

And where did you get the idea that we have a future?

We have an understanding.

What understanding?

That I am hopelessly in love with you

and you couldn't care less about me.

Yeah. Yeah, you could say that.

Well, maybe this will change your mind.

This belonged to my grandmother.

I want you to have it.

Oh, Benjamin, I can't take that.

Fine! How about a car?

- Benjamin, the ring! - It was glass.

Ah! Sanctuary! Sanctuary!

Sanctuary, my ass.

I'm sorry, ladies, there was...

Benjamin, would you get out of here?

No, not until you tell me exactly what was going on

between you and Swann.

Look, just get out of here!

- Hey, I'm in here! - Wait!

- I was saving this for later. - What are you doing?

- What's he doing? - I'm proposing.

- What? - What?

I'm proposing that we live together

and if we like it, we get married.

- Come on, say yes. - Oh, God!

- Oh, my God! - All right.

If that's too tough, just nod your head.

- You get the hell outta here. - Please, give me a word.

A sign, a sound.

That's not the sound I was looking for.

All right, the hell with it, I'm coming out now.

- Ah, Stone! Time for lunch. - What? Uh, yeah.

Just going to the lavatory.

This is for ladies only.

And so is this, ma'am.

But every now and again, I have to run

a little water through it.

No, Stone, I insist. Lunch is on me.

I-I got it.

Oh.

Stone, I want you to know that this morning

I'd absolutely no idea I was in the process

of inserting myself into an arrangement

which already existed between you and Miss Downing.

Would it have made any difference?

No.

Are you in love with the girl?

I think I am.

- I don't know what she wants. - Romance, Stone.

That's the only thing that you can be sure they all want.

I never met anyone like her.

She never met anyone like you.

Use that, cultivate it.

Right there is where I lost you.

Stone, women love to be intrigued.

They enjoy unravelling the mystery that is man.

But you must allow them the freedom to discover you.

- Is that what you do? - No.

I don't have that luxury.

Women who are interested in me

know exactly who I am and what they want

and nine times out of ten they get it.

- That's some courage. - You'd be surprised.

You see, no matter what I do

I can never fulfill their expectations.

Could I..

Could I have..

So, this is the Benjy Stone version

of "Dinner and a movie," huh?

Doesn't Sy's office take on

a whole different feeling at night?

Yeah, it gets worse.

Okay, here we go.

These are all dim sum, Chinese dumplings.

These are pan-fried, those are steamed.

They're good just with vinegar.

Chili sauce.

Stay away from this baby.

A couple of drops of this, and your tongue

dials the fire department.

- You know how to use these? - Uh, to make a sweater, yes.

- Okay, I'll show you. - Okay.

Look, balance is everything, one goes there,

the other one on top, like that.

Now, do exactly as I do.

Dim sum are too hard to eat with chopsticks.

Don't make yourself crazy.

- Okay. - Yup.

You really know this stuff.

Katherine, Jews know two things.

Suffering, and where to find great Chinese food.

Mmm.

What?

Too loud? What? What?

No, no. It's just, it's really nice, you know.

You're just... sitting there, having your dinner

wearing men's clothing. Well... sort of.

I mean, I-I really like this guy.

I like this guy much better than the other guy.

What other guy?

Oh, you know, the guy in the tiara.

The mosquito who bothers you in elevators.

Th-the person who runs down the hallway with Scotch tape

all over his body. A human fly.

Ugh!

- Do not think, uh.. - You think..

Oh. No, I was just gonna say..

Do you think there are..

...funny people, and not-funny people?

Yes, definitely.

On the funny side, there are the Marx Brothers, except Zeppo.

The Ritz Brothers, no exceptions.

Both Laurel and Hardy, and Woody Woodpecker.

On the unfunny side, there is anybody

who has ever played the accordion professionally.

And me.

You know, everybody who works here is funny, except me.

No, you're funny.

Really? When?

Well, I'm sure you could be funny.

How?

You can tell a joke. Anyone can tell a joke.

Not me.

Yes, you can. I'll teach you.

I'll tell you a joke,

and you tell it back to me.

Okay?

Okay, I'll try.

First rule.

Never tell a joke sitting down.

You have to be on your feet. And use your hands.

This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office.

He has a duck on his head.

The psychiatrist says, "Can I help you?"

The duck says, "Yeah, get this guy off my ass."

Okay, now you try.

Okay, here goes.

- A man... - Hold it.

"This guy." It's better than, "A man."

- Oh, okay. - Sorry.

- Um... - And use your hands.

- Oh. Right. - Sorry. Go ahead.

This guy, uh, walks into a doctor's office...

- Psychiatrist. - Psychiatrist.

Right, okay. Sorry. Okay, I got it, I got it.

Uh.. This guy walks into

a psychiatrist's office, wearing a duck.

Whoa, what? Wearing a duck?

- Wearing a duck, no. - Oh.

He has a duck on his head.

I told you I wasn't very good at this.

No. It's my fault.

- It-it-it's good. - Yeah?

Uh, okay.

This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office

with a duck on his head.

And the guy says to the psychiatrist

"Uh, will you help me because I have a duck on my head?"

- What's that for? - Accordion lessons.

Well, that ends the dinner portion of the evening.

And now, it's time for the movie portion.

- Lord Drummond. - Lord Drummond!

Ha ha! Drummond.

If it would put you at ease, I could turn my back again.

- Shh. - You will this day..

...taste my steel.

Then leave us not dally, Drummond, for today

I have an engagement to mount the throne of England.

- Over my dead body. - Be quiet.

As you wish.

Are you gonna keep doing this?

- As you wish. - Sir John!

- Benjamin! - Shh.

Ah!

I guess this is the kissing portion of the evening.

♪♪ I am arrogant ♪♪

♪♪ He's arrogant He's arrogant ♪♪

♪♪ And I am Porthole ♪♪

♪♪ He's Porthole He's Porthole ♪♪

♪♪ And I am Swann ♪♪

♪♪ He's Swann He's Swann ♪♪

♪♪ It's one for all and all for one ♪♪

♪♪ One for you and tea for two ♪♪♪♪

Break it up!

Everybody. Okay. All right.

Now, hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

Wait a minute! I want to say something.

Alan, um..

I wanna tell you that I was a little worried about you.

Only a little?

I would have thought my reputation

warranted major concern.

Yeah, you're right, um..

I was gonna dump you.

But, uh..

I'm glad I didn't, because, uh..

Well, uh..

I've seen all your films and, uh..

...I'm a fan.

And here we are, working together

and it's, uh..

...it's been nice, because, uh..

...you're funny.

You're really funny.

Praise indeed, sire.

And may I say that other than one remarkable season

with an English repertory company, this is the most fun

and the hardest work I've done since the world was young.

That's great. Really.

But, uh, one other thing.

You're gonna show up tomorrow, too, right?

- Right, Swann? - Right, Porthole.

But I needs must take leave of you

for Stone and I journey to dine in some

far-off land called Brooklyn.

Well, that's it. Big day tomorrow.

Show day! Have a good night.

See you at 10:00 a.m.

- Goodnight. - Okay, everyone.

- Goodnight, Leo. - Take it easy, Eddie.

Nice work today.

Do it that good on the show tomorrow.

- Are you all right? - It's all right, I'm okay.

It's no problem. It's nothing. A thing fell.

It's nothing. Really, go home.

- Sure you're okay? - I'm okay.

I want you to get some rest. Everybody go home.

I'm all right. I promise you, I'm all right.

Come on, let's go home.

Come on.

My God!

It's an accident, Leo.

Rojeck.

That's it!

I'm not gonna let you do the "Boss Hijack" sketch.

It's an accident, Leo, an accident.

And we're doing the "Boss Hijack" sketch.

Stan!

Leo!

Thanks for caring.

By the by, Stone, where is this Brooklyn?

Another world.

Hop in!

Come on. Hop in.

♪♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪♪

♪♪ Ah ah ah ♪♪♪♪

Uncle Morty.

- How odd to find you here. - Why?

I just caught the 7:45 elevator down from six.

I assume Aunt Sadie is here, also?

Not yet, but she'll be.

Uncle Morty, say hello to Alan Swann.

I didn't catch the name.

Hmm.

Ooh.

Alan Swann. Rookie Carioca.

Carroca!

There was a lethal bantamweight called Carroca.

You're looking at him.

I saw you fight in San Diego.

- Sailor Donovan. - Right.

- Took him out in three. - Two.

Who knew the Chinaman was a fighter?

To me he doesn't open a mouth.

Still in the fight game?

In a way.

I married Benjy's mother.

Benjamin darling, how wonderful to have you to home.

I got to get back to my meatloaf.

Mr. Swann, may I present my mother.

Mrs. Belle Mae Steinberg Carroca

of Brooklyn, New York, and Miami Beach, Florida

for two weeks each and every winter.

Benjamin, why didn't you tell me your mother was so lovely?

- Oh, for me? - No, for me.

- Mr. Swann. - Alan, please.

- And what may I call you? - How about, "Yours?"

Oh, Alan.

On behalf of everyone here,

I would like to welcome you

to our humble chapeau.

Two years at the Sorbonne, she still gets it wrong.

- Al.. - Ma.

- What? - It's not "Al."

If I bring Capone or Jolson, then it's "Al."

Jolson's coming?

Alan, I want you to feel perfectly free

to do whatever you would normally do

in your own apartment.

Uh, something to drink before dinner?

Um, some soda water?

Rookie, a glass of Seltzer!

- Pic k it up! - Excuse me.

Sorry.

Excuse me, Mr. Swann.

I hate to impose, but I wonder if you would mind signing...

An autograph?

Certainly.

If you don't mind, make it to Sadie and Morty Kronsky.

That's with a "K."

The rest is the way it's usually spelled.

That's probably Aunt Sadie.

Why don't you go open the door for your wife?

Thank you, Mr. Swann.

- Alan. - Thank you.

Your Seltzer. A little liver?

Oh, oh, uh, no, thank you.

Oh, Sadie, you look beautiful.

What a lovely dress!

You like it?

I only wore it once.

Come and get it!

Dinner is served.

Rookie, your Meatloaf Mindanao was superb.

Thanks.

That takes two days to prepare, you know?

Really? Tell me, what was that rather pungent taste?

- Parrot. - Oh!

And they're not easy to work with.

They put up some squawk.

I can imagine.

Um, what was that dish?

Filipino pork and beans.

Where was the pork?

You can't! There's Jews here.

So, I guess if you want to be technical...

What's the difference?

So, Mr. Swann..

...now that we sat nice,

broke bread together,

shared a glass of wine,

I feel I know you a little.

Morty, I feel I know you even better.

Good.

Then you won't mind if I ask you a question.

- Uncle Morty! - What are you worried?

It's not personal.

What was I, born in Minsk or Pinsk?

I know my way around.

Morty, ask your question.

That paternity rap a couple of years ago..

- Did you schtup her? - Morty!

Did you go all the way? What!

- Uncle Morty! - What!

What!

- What! What do you want? - It's all right. It's all right.

It's all right.

Morty, I hope this doesn't

lessen your opinion of me, but the answer is "No."

You see..

...people like me, we're targets.

I'm blamed for a lot of things

I had absolutely nothing to do with.

On the other hand, because of who I am,

I get away with murder in other areas.

I suppose it all balances out in the end.

Does it really, Swannee?

Ma, he's an actor, not a river.

Swannee..

...can I talk frank to you?

- Certainly, Belle. - Uh-oh.

Take a good look here.

This. This.

This is good.

Sitting around with people you love.

Some you just like, others maybe you could

live without, excuse me.

Sharing stories.

Sharing warmth.

This is real life, Alan.

And this is what you need.

A home.

And a family.

And children, huh?

Hey, who knows?

Unfortunately, Belle,

that part of my life

hasn't worked out too well.

Though I did produce a perfectly glorious little child.

Her name is Tess.

Ah, see? You're a daddy, and this I didn't even know.

So, where is she?

She lives with her mother in Connecticut.

I haven't seen her in over a year.

A year?

Shame on you, Swannee.

Yes, you're right, Belle.

Shame on me, indeed.

Well, time to go.

What a divine evening.

We must do this again real soon.

Say, at the turn of the century?

Rookie, Sadie, Morty.

- Goodbye, Mr. Swann. - Belle.

Oh, Alan.

Mr. and Mrs. Kessler, apartment 4B.

God bless you, Mr. Swann.

Mr. and Mrs. Berkowitz, apartment 2A. We love you.

Nathan and Lily Cantor. Second floor front.

Pleasure to have you in the building.

Scalfoni, 1R. You're the best!

How did you get into the building?

I'm the super.

- Goodbye, sir. - Goodbye.

- Goodbye! - Goodbye.

Dr. Bumbacelli, my medication.

Your medication.

Oh, uh, uh, Mr. Swann, uh, big day tomorrow.

Show day.

Uh, and, you know, uh, I'm-I'm supposed to watch you.

Good, watch this.

Want to see it again?

Stone, you can either watch me or join me.

One of them is more fun.

You were a hit in Brooklyn.

Want to try the Bronx next?

No. 1030, Park Avenue. The Downings'.

Uh, no, please, no. Uh, let's not go there.

- Why are we going there? - Why?

To re-weave the fabric of your relationship

with the fair K.C., that's why.

This surprise visit should do it.

No, I-I don't think so, Mr. Swann.

K.C. Downing's parents are having a big party.

Besides, they're not gonna let us up in that building.

Excellent.

Ever done any mountaineering?

Huh?

Now, all we have to do is to get from here..

...to there.

It won't work.

It worked perfectly well

in A Slight Case Of Divorce.

That was a movie.

This is real life!

What is the difference?

Oh, no!

Mm!

It's stuck.

What we need is something like a rope.

- Let's not do this. - Oh, Stone!

I've done it a hundred times.

Gah!

Whoa!

What was that, a stunt?

Perfect!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Let's just go back the way we came

and go through her front door.

Dull! Boring!

Old hat.

Stone, the cardinal rule.

They always love a big entrance.

I assure you.

Oh!

Does anybody die in these movies?

Die?

Of course not.

It's just fun.

- Fun? - Fun!

He thinks this is fun!

I'm going down now.

When I arrive, I shall hold the rope taut

and you can just shimmy down.

I'm not shimmying down anything.

It's too dangerous!

Nonsense! Not when you've been instructed by Niblik.

Who the hell is Niblik?

Niblik is my Sherpa guide from the Himalayas.

The Himalayas?

The Himalayas!

Look, there's the door.

Come on, let's go give it a try.

Ah! It's open!

Whoo!

Ah! Oh-ho! I killed him!

I'm supposed to take care of him and I killed him!

Oh!

Oh, God!

The bond issue is a fraud.

The company went bankrupt. They looked solid.

- But they went belly-up. - Uh, excuse me.

Have you seen that film, uh..

- Defender Of The Crown. - Just like that!

The film! Defender Of The Crown.

Have you seen it?

Starring, uh, what's that guy's name?

Uh.. Alan, uh..

- Alan, uh.. - Swann!

- Yeah, Alan Swann. - Alan Swann.

Bill, I think Alan Swann's beneath us.

Of course, he's beneath us, he's an actor.

No, I mean, I think Alan Swann's beneath us right now!

Look!

Harry, get the hell out here!

Alan Swann is hangin' from..

...something from the roof!

- Pull! - Pull him up.

- Pull! - That's it!

- Pull! - Pull him up!

Good evening, do you have a light?

Help me! Help me!

Terrace?

Uh!

Oh!

Well done!

We have just dropped in

to see the Downings.

There are no Downings here.

- No Downings here? - No.

The Downings are downstairs on 14.

Close, Stone. Very close.

Mr. Swann... I think I'm going to be unwell.

Stone, ladies are unwell, gentlemen vomit.

- Mm-hmm. - Oh!

Alfredo, you needn't wait, we shan't need the car anymore.

We're going to throw up in the park, and then walk home.

Mr. Swann, may I tell you something?

Mm-hmm.

Benjy Stone is not

who he seems to be.

Who is, Stone, who is?

But I'm not even Benjy Stone.

I'm Benjamin Steinberg.

I changed my name 'cause I thought it wouldn't

look good on the screen.

- I'm a phony. - Because you changed your name?

What's in a name?

A rose by any other name

would wither and die.

I'll give you a name.

Clarence Duffy.

Clarence Duffy?

Who's Clarence Duffy?

He's a young man from the West of Scotland.

Middle class, Irish descent

whose father was a grammar school teacher.

His mother looked after her garden, her husband

and their only son.

At the age of 18, he joined the navy.

One year later, he jumps ship at Liverpool.

Has notions of becoming an actor.

Finishes up in English "B" movies.

Six months later, Lou Goldmark of Paramount Studios

announces his find, a dashing new English actor

to star in Paramount's next big adventure film..

Swords Of Glory.

- Clarence Duffy? - One and the same.

Then you're not Alan Swann.

Oh, yes, I am.

You're the only living soul who knows it.

It dies with me, Clarence.

At least you're an actor, actors are supposed to make up names.

It's not just making up a name, Stoneberg.

The studio made up an entire life for me

and I let them do it, and now I can't tell

where the bogus one ends, and the real one begins.

Nothing about me is what it seems to be.

Even the reason I'm doing your Comedy Cavalcade program

is not because I wanted to.

It's a deal I made with my new partner,

the Internal Revenue Service.

If I do the show, and give them half the proceeds,

they promise not to throw me out of the country.

That dies with me, too, Duff.

Tonight, your mother said, "Shame on you."

And she was right.

I'm fed up with people letting me get away with things

and everybody does.

My friends, my agent, my manager, my doctors

my former wives, even my daughter.

Haven't we walked enough for one night?

- No, no. - The horse, Stoneberg!

No, no, no, no. No. No.

You'll get 30 years for this.

Whoa!

Hey! Hey!

No!

Oh.

"Tess."

Who's Tess?

Tess is his daughter.

Tess is his daughter in Connecticut.

He went to Connecticut on the day of the show.

That bastard went to Connecticut!

He's in another goddamn state!

I got to go down to the show and tell Leo.

So he can fire me.

I'm a dead man.

I can't go like this. I have to get dressed.

Don't forget your sweater.

Take me back.

Great! Air day, and our guest star is no-show.

Hey, Leo. He's on the cover of TV Guide this week.

Leo!

Leo!

Why is this sketch in here?

We did this sketch last week, but it's right in here.

Right in my script. Now, why, Leo?

Why? Why is it in my script?

That is last week's script.

Oh. That's why it's in here.

And now you'll find this week's script

in your dressing room, Stan.

- That's good. That's good, Leo. - Okay.

They're not serving tongue at lunch today, are they, Leo?

No tongue on show day.

Twice they served tongue on show day,

twice the opening sketch died.

No tongue, get it? No tongue!

Tongue..

Death.

Benjy, you were supposed to be watching Swann.

I was.

I even stayed in his suite last night.

But when I woke up today, he was gone.

He said he was going to see Tess.

Irish dame. Figures. They love their booze.

- She's 12. - Fine.

Now, we can throw in statutory rape.

Tess happens to be his daughter.

Alfie, where is he?

He's in his dressing room.

- Drunk! - He's takin' a nap.

I'm gonna see what kind of a nap he's taking.

- I don't think so. - Yeah, better let him rest.

He's got to be ready for a run-through in an hour.

- Can he make it? - He'll make it.

Look, I know it's none of my business

but could you tell them to go easy on him?

I mean, it ain't been his best day.

Okay.

- Is he okay? - He's all right.

You should have seen her.

Twelve, and already a heartbreaker.

What did he say to her?

Never got out of the car.

And don't say another word for 86.4 miles.

I clocked him.

I didn't look in the rearview, neither.

I give him his privacy.

Lights.

All right, we open on a tight to King and Cubby.

- All right. - And then we widen out.

We're set to open the house.

Fifteen minutes, everyone. Fifteen minutes.

How you doin', Alan?

Look, I don't want you to worry about a thing.

Bad rehearsal, good show.

We got a great cast, we got a great crew

and it always works.

Just remember, we're gonna have fun, right?

And you! You look great.

- What's he wearing this for? - The, uh, musketeer sketch.

- Are you in the right outfit? - I am.

Then what am I doing in this?

Uh, I don't know.

Wait, which sketch is first?

The first sketch that I'm in is the musketeer sketch.

I'm in that, too.

Okay.

I'm in the wrong outfit.

And look how I find out.

I got to find out from, uh, from this guy.

Who are the geniuses who are supposed to tell me

which sketch comes first on my show

and which outfit I'm supposed to be in, huh?

Where are they?

Somebody tell me which sketch comes first!

Wardrobe! Wardrobe!

- Leo, Leo! - Listen to this.

He thinks he's in the wrong costume.

Every week, same thing. He's so crazy.

Oh, God, somebody help me with my costume!

- Take it off! - No!

- Come on. - No! Leave me alone!

- The Hijack sketch... - What? What?

- The Hijack sketch comes first. - Which one?

The Hijack sketch.

It comes first.

I knew it.

- I knew it, Leo. - Yeah.

- Don't worry about a thing, pal. - All right, okay.

- I knew it. - Yeah, yeah.

Good.

Good.

California?

You can't write comedy in California.

It's not depressing enough.

You look great. How do you feel?

I feel surprisingly well, Stone. Thank you.

So well that I am going to make a prediction.

Now, usually it takes me two or three takes just to warm up.

But tonight, I predict we'll get it on the first take.

We always get it on the first take.

- We have to. - You do?

Sure, this is live television.

Live?

Live?

What does "Live" mean?

It means, at the exact moment you are cavorting and leaping

around that stage over there,

twenty million people are seeing it.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

Mr. Swann, you're white.

You mean it all goes into the camera lens

and then just spills out into people's houses?

Yeah.

Why is it nobody had the goodness to

explain this to me before?

It's nothing to worry about, Mr. Swann.

Our audiences are great.

Audience? What audience? Audience.

You knew there was an audience.

What did you think those seats were for?

I haven't performed in front of an audience for 28 years.

Audience?

Live work.

I played a butler.

I had one line!

- I forgot it. - Look, don't worry.

This is gonna be easy.

For you, maybe, not for me.

I'm not an actor, I'm a movie star!

Five minutes to air. Ready for the "Boss Hijack" sketch.

- Oh, shut up! - No, you can do it.

I need time to think.

I need time to think. Oh, Holy Mother.

I need time to think!

- Is that "Think" or "Drink"? - Yes!

- Well. - Oh, look at that.

He's got the jitters.

Ladies and gentlemen, a scarce second ago

Alan Swann had a full-fledged anxiety attack.

An inch away from a complete nervous breakdown.

And this one has the nerve to describe it as "The jitters."

- What are you doing? - Drinking and leaving.

Uh, the musketeer sketch is on after the Hijack sketch.

I'm not doing the Muscatel sketch.

- The musketeer sketch. - I'm not doing either.

- Ouch. - Ow.

Wasn't that Alan Swann leaving?

Obviously he's still in the throes of the jitters.

- Get out of my way, Sy. - Not until you pay up.

- Benjy, what happened? - Swann's gone.

Can't speak, talk later.

You little smart ass, son of a bitch, bastard!

You're through here!

I'm telling King.

Sy!

Where's K.C.?

- Everything okay? - Uh-huh.

Good.

Thank you, Harmonaires, thank you.

This is places, people.

Come on, people, let's hurry up.

Dancers, opening dancers.

You should be in your starting places.

Hurry along. Thank you.

- Who are you? - Huh?

Oh yeah, Phil somebody, right? Yeah, I know you. Go ahead.

Doin' a good job, Phil.

- Oh. - Sy, Sy, I'm sorry.

Help, help, help.

We need some help here.

Look, Sy, you shouldn't sneak up on a guy like that.

I know you can't hear me, pal.

But when you wake up, I'm gonna give you a nice raise.

Get him some first aid. What a putz.

Terrible. Terrible.

Alfredo!

Alfredo.

Alfredo.

You're not Alfredo.

Mr. Swann.

Oh, my God, it's Stoneberger.

Will you ever let me alone?

As soon as you finish the show.

I'm not doing the show. I want to go to the Waldorf!

You have to do the show.

If you don't, they'll deport you.

It doesn't matter.

That's a sad sight.

You're a sadder sight.

All you end up doing is making anyone

who cares for you unhappy.

You know what they say about me, Stoneberg.

You can depend on Alan Swann, he will always let you down.

Did you tell Tess that?

Oh, that's right, you couldn't get out of the car.

Alfie, take this bum to the Waldorf.

Ladies, ladies, let's go, let's go.

Nancy, you have a nice show.

Sy, didn't I tell you not to sneak up.. Oh!

Mr. Rojek wanted you to have that.

- Ah! - And that.

We have ten seconds to go, just in case..

Oh.

Nine, eight, seven, six..

This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.

- Cue music. Ready one. - Up!

- Ready two. Cue announce. - Two!

Ladies and gentlemen

it is Saturday night at 8:00.

The National Broadcasting Company presents

The Comedy Cavalcade.

Starring King Kaiser.

With his special guest star, Alan Swann.

Now, it's roll film!

Take it!

When you eat lunch too quickly,

as this fellow had,

then you're apt to be cranky

'cause your stomach feels bad.

Stone.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid.

That's why I couldn't get out of the car to see my Tess.

My child.

Alan Swann, afraid?

The Defender of the Crown?

Captain from Tortuga,

The Last Knight of the Round Table?

Those are movies.

Damn you, look at me!

I'm flesh and blood, life-size, no larger.

I'm not that silly goddamned hero! I never was!

To me, you were.

Whoever you were in those movies,

those silly goddamned heroes meant a lot to me.

What does it matter if it was an illusion? It worked.

So don't tell me this is you life-size.

I can't use you life-size.

I need Alan Swanns

as big as I can get them.

And let me tell you something.

You couldn't have convinced me the way you did

unless somewhere in you, you had that courage.

Nobody's that good an actor.

You are that silly, goddamn hero.

Calm down, back here. We're on the air!

Come back, go get some help!

You're fired!

- Who owns the gray '51 DeSoto? - The new guy, Harris.

You're parked in Boss Hijack's spot.

Better move.

What the hell is that?

Help!

You're lucky we're on the second floor.

It slowed him down.

You're very lucky we're on the second floor.

It r... really slowed him down.

One. Where's King? Cue King, cue him.

Well, what's it gonna do?

- Gonna, kinda.. Slow him down. - Slow him down.

Somebody..

Holy Jesus.

Boss Hijack?

- One! - What is this?

- What's happening? - Three.

Don't come in here.

Hey, hey, hey, hey-oh.

Ha, ha, hey, hey, ho.

Ooh, hey.

Ooh, ooh, ha, hey.

- Three. - What's happening?

- Two. - What is happening?

- One. - What's happening?

What the hell is happening?

What the hell is happening?

Rojeck's men are killing King!

What is Swann doing in the balcony?

Get a light on him, get a light on him.

In the balcony, he's in the balcony.

Three, good!

Porthole!

Swann?

Will you hold my sword? Thank you very much.

Loosen up on three. And three.

Oh, God, this makes me happy!

- Two. - Do as I told you.

What took you so long?

Ladies and gentlemen, Alan Swann.

Two.

And one.

Two.

The way you see him here, like this..

...this is the way I like to remember him.

I think if you had asked Alan Swann..

what was the single most gratifying moment in his life,

he might have said this one, right here.

The next day, I drove up to Connecticut with him and Alfie.

This time he knocked on the door.

And when he and Tess saw each other,

it was like they'd never been apart.

Like Alfie says..

"With Swann, you forgive a lot, you know?"

I know.