Original subtitles

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Picture in your mind the farthest point in the universe.

Our story begins just a couple of blocks past that.

Let's see what's happening here.

Earth? What is this?

Postponed?

-Sir? -I'm Iooking at a report...

...that says the destruction of the Earth has been postponed.

-ExpIain it. -Well, actually, it's Mr. Armageddon.

Armageddon? I ordered that Ioser seaIed inside a baII of banishment.

Yes, sir. We had him crated. But something happened.

I want a detaiIed report of Armageddon's every action...

...in the Iast 2 4 hours, and I want it now.

The report you requested, sir.

Sweet thing.

-Was that fast enough for you? -Not even cIose. You're demon dust.

I hope they didn't incIude a picture.

Armageddon! You Iook Iike a hemorrhoid with eyebrows.

The last 2 4 hours of Mr. Armageddon's existence.

An in-depth report compiled and narrated by yours truly...

...Sliza Beealzeberg.

Prepared and submitted for the pleasure of his most royal...

...and anti-holy eminence, the Monster In Charge.

That monster with the mostest, that extra-cool, ultra-hip...

...and happening demon overlord, that simmering...

-...sIippery, suppIe-- -Cut the kiss-ass crap.

Twenty-four hours ago, Dume and Glume, two skinheads...

...from the planet Polyester...

...stole a box they thought contained the ultimate weapon.

No one told them it contained the ultimate absurdity.

Break in!

We better be carefuI. If they catch us, they'II cut off our swankers.

I onIy have two Ieft.

There they are!

Oh, I hate traveIing on metaphysicaI pIanes.

I aIways get aura sickness.

Fine. Stay here, and you'II never get sick again.

Where are we going?

Where no one has gone before.

-Open the box! -You open it!

CarefuI.

That single push shattered the spell of banishment...

...cast by the Monster In Charge and released the spectacular...

...sacred, simply stunning sphere of imprisonment.

-Not very impressive, is it? -No.

-How does it work? -How shouId I know?

-No one's ever survived it. -Oh, great.

How are we gonna take over the universe if we can't even operate it?

It must be something simpIe.

-Hey! Easy does it. Come on. -What?

Come on, be carefuI.

Mr. Armageddon had just gotten his wake-up call.

He decided not to destroy Dume and Glume...

...but instead to freeze-dry their brains for possible use later.

Mr. Armageddon began doomsday...

...by transforming a simple cement sculpture...

...into a horny rubber monster.

It was this sort of cheap stunt that got him banished in the first place.

I know that, sweetheart. I'm the one who banished him.

Hey, the doomsday device. It's missing!

I can see it's missing. Where is it?

Oh, great. We steaI a doomsday device...

...and then somebody steaIs it from us.

-Come on. Let's find it. -Let's find it.

The day started just as any other average school day.

This adolescent earthling, Norm Median, started his day...

...as an average teenager. An extremely average teenager.

But soon he would find himself standing between Mr. Armageddon...

...and the destruction of Earth.

At that moment, however, the only thing occupying...

...Norm's little brain was the thought of having sex for the first time...

...with someone other than himself.

His only hope was this girl, Candice Caine.

A French exchange student who, according to locker-room gossip...

...had yet to add the word ''no'' to her English vocabulary.

Was Candice thinking what Norm was thinking?

No. Not this time.

Norm sensed that for his fantasies to be fulfilled...

...he would have to reach the status enjoyed by these studmuffins...

...the school's athletic elite.

How's it going, babes?

-What's happening, Iadies? -Hi, guys.

Oh, I Iike your new car.

Yo, Norm. Think fast.

Norm saw that this was his big chance...

...to impress the girl of his dreams.

But he blew it.

Now let's take a look at some of the other players...

...in our cosmic drama.

That morning, Coach Parts was thinking less...

...about winning the homecoming game...

...than he was about making the point spread.

In Computer Sciences, Egbert Hoser, his joystick in hand, was hard at it.

Later, in the gym, the basketball team bounced their balls...

...as Coach Parts cheered them on.

Let's go. Let's go! We got a big game tonight...

...and I've got big money riding on it.

In Cultural Sciences, Norm and Candice listened intently...

...as ace student Paul Smith gave an oral report.

--they wouId puII their brains out...

...through their nose.

Which is reaIIy cooI, because if they didn't...

...their brain wouId, Iike, sweII up and bIoat and crack their skuII...

...and just spIit their face right in two. So the famiIies never compIained.

And then they wouId eat the brains...

...because they beIieved that it wouId make them smarter.

But they never ate too much...

...because they didn't want their brains to get too big.

They never, ever ate the eyebaIIs, because that was reaIIy disgusting.

And aII of this...

...Ied to the discovery and erection of the pyramids.

Which can stiII be seen today. And that brings me to my finaI...

...and most important part of my presentation.

As you can see, I guess that about wraps it up.

Get it?

Terrific presentation, PauI.

I hope the rest of you are prepared to do as weII...

...when you present your projects.

And you can teII that basketbaII team that I wiII accept no excuses.

Dismissed.

As the students shuffled between classes...

...Mr. Armageddon silently collected his first female specimen...

...and momentarily delayed doomsday...

...for the pursuit of his own personal pleasure.

-Oh, my God! -You are compIeteIy in my power.

-Fuck that. -MarveIous idea.

Mr. Armageddon was not the only Casanova on campus.

This is Todd Uppington Smythe III, known affectionately to his friends...

...as Dickhead.

Not the oId kiIIer-condom routine?

What now? The instant zombie?

Wait tiII I get my hands on you, Armageddon.

Unaware of the deteriorating state of reality around them...

...the students continued their school day.

In Science Sciences, Mr. Doe was short of guinea pigs...

...so he used Norm as a test subject.

Okay, Norm, I'II hook you up to these babies...

...and it'II be aII over before you know it. You won't feeI a thing.

Now, Iet's see what the instruments teII us.

Your resting puIse is normaI. BIood pressure, normaI.

Temperature's normaI, EKG, normaI.

-EEG, normaI. -Norm, take me.

WeII, the heart seems to be pretty much normaI.

But I must remind you that these vaIues are not fixed.

If we stimuIated Norm, the vaIues wouId change.

Nice work.

Give me that.

I think he Iikes you.

I've never seen anything Iike that before.

Sorry.

Must have been a power surge.

WeII, so much for our gadgets. Now, Iet's take a Iook at nature.

These are ordinary peas. Grown by ordinary methods.

Compare this normaI pIant to this.

And you can see the difference...

...that a change in the environment can make.

What'd you do to those peas?

WeII, I'd be happy to teII you, O.D...

...at the next meeting of the AgricuIture Society.

AII right, man. Just teII me where and when, and I'm there.

It wiII be here from 3 to 5. That is unIess they drop the bomb.

AII right, everybody. Dismissed.

Eager to reap the harvest of homegrown knowledge...

... O.D. sowed his own seeds in Mr. Doe's pea patch.

I want someone to teII me the formuIa which derives the eIevation...

...of an edifice from X with an incident angIe of 30 degrees.

MeI. Why don't you teII us the answer.

-Me? -Yes, MeI, you.

What is the answer, MeI?

The answer, MeI. Give me the answer.

Answer her, MeI. Answer her.

Time to wake up, MeI.

-MeI, are you aII right? -Oh, yes, ma'am. I'm sorry.

I haven't been sIeeping too weII. I guess I sort of dozed off.

-WouId you Iike to go see the nurse? -No, ma'am. I'm fine. ReaIIy.

WeII, okay. If you change your mind, you Iet me know.

-Okay. Thanks. -Okay.

-You sure you're okay? -Yeah, I'm fine. ReaIIy.

Okay.

Mel was not the only student having bad dreams.

Oh, shit.

Poor Betty was about to meet her worst nightmare.

-Danny? -Nope.

-Norm, is that you? -Wrong again.

Oh, my God. What kind of a thing are you?

Here, Iet me show you.

T-minus 1 0....

Every 2 4 hours, earthlings go into a midday feeding frenzy.

They refer to this bizarre ritual as lunch.

Okay.

AII right! At this rate, I shouId make IeveI 300 by nightfaII.

I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet.

Take that, earthIing.

AII dead.

Candice, you're never gonna beIieve it. Oh, my God.

You know that saying, ''He who hesitates is lost''?

I hate that saying.

What?

No! No, no!

After feeding time, Mr. Gigo led his class...

...on a tour of the school basement.

Showing them the wonders of plumbing and heating...

...as well as exposing them to the risk...

...of electrical shock, steam burns and toxic waste.

You're perfectIy safe as Iong as you stay cIose to me...

...foIIow the group and don't go through those doors.

Now, come this way and don't touch anything.

Hey. Where's Abe?

WeII, where'd he go?

Abraham Ashe, you're so chiIdish, I can't even beIieve it.

Beatrice?

She's gone.

I don't beIieve this. PeopIe disappearing.

First Abe, and then Beatrice.

My God.

It's aIphabeticaI.

-That means I'm next. -WeII, either you or--

-CameIia! -CameIia!

Oh, Mr. Gigo?

-Oh, this is siIIy. -No. No, no!

Sorry.

Okay, Iet's spIit up and find them.

I'm not so sure spIitting up is such a good idea.

Yeah, he's right. In horror movies the body count...

...aIways skyrockets right after the Iead characters spIit up.

That's right. And it damn weII better.

See? Just an ordinary corridor.

StiII, I don't think you shouId go aIone.

I'II be okay.

Thanks. It's nice to know you're thinking of me.

Candice. Candice!

What's wrong?

The door Iocked. I wanted to make sure you were okay.

-You're okay. -I'm fine.

I just thought maybe you'd feeI safer if I went with you.

I think we'd find them faster if we spIit up.

Yeah.

-You can come with me if you want. -No...

...I'II check one of these other doors.

But maybe sometime we can go somewhere...

...together.

Sure, Norm.

Okay, see you in about five minutes.

What a girI.

WeII, you guys heard her. Let's go find them.

Wait a minute.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm staying right here.

I don't know what's down there. I don't wanna find out.

Oh, I bet you're Iots of fun at parties, huh, PauI?

O.D. 's search had taken him far from his friends.

A perfect opportunity to become better acquainted with his inner self.

Oh, hi.

Adieu!

You scared her away!

Stupid!

Though he didn't know where he was going or how to get back...

...to where he'd started, Norm kept looking for his friends.

Okay, you guys. I'm tired of pIaying games.

AII right, they're not there.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. We need heIp. Let's caII a temp.

AII right, but you have to train her.

DeaI.

Hi. Thanks for coming on such short notice.

Here's what I need you to do.

That's it. That's it.

Mr. Armageddon sat sucking on a cocktail...

...as Norm stumbled into doomsday control.

There's a dead guy chasing me. Wait, he's not dead. He Iooks dead...

...but he doesn't act dead. He's kind of Iiving dead.

It's a drink. You know, what do they caII them?

TaII gIass, rum, fruit juice, paper umbreIIa?

-Screwdriver? -No, no! It's-- A zombie! That's--

Be stiII.

Didn't anyone ever teach you to knock, boy?

-Who are you? -Mr. Armageddon.

Armageddon?

Like in the BibIe?

The same.

-You mean, this is--? -What I mean is...

...today is the end of the worId.

Today is the end of the worId?

-WeII, why? -Why not?

Why not? That's not a reason.

Look, schooIboy. I'm taIking about the end of the worId.

Stop taIking about it and just do it.

-Oh, I am. I am. -Button it, bitch. I'm watching this.

It's time.

-How do you know it's time? -It's the end of the miIIennium.

-The time has come. -Wait.

It won't be the end of the miIIennium untiI the year 2000.

That's what you think.

But your caIendar's wrong.

The caIendar's wrong?

-Great. -On the cosmic scaIe, boy...

...Ieap years just don't cut it.

Jeez, the end of the miIIennium.

That is bad.

The Iast time I came to Earth...

...was to ice the dinosaurs.

Now, that was fun.

I suppose now you're gonna kiII me.

Oh, I don't think so.

Something wiII kiII you eventuaIIy.

That's the way it works.

Besides, I have a job opening.

I need a doomsday prophet.

WouId you be interested?

Not that you had any choice.

Okay, weII, in that case...

-...sure. -Of course...

...it's onIy a temporary position.

And if you decide to do the prophet routine...

...and teII the peopIe the truth...

...they won't beIieve you.

That's what you said when you spiIIed your guts to Nostradamus.

BIabbermouth.

They won't beIieve you, and they won't notice the signs.

Signs?

What signs?

There shaII be many signs...

...and many wiII see them.

But you aIone...

...shaII know their meaning.

And no one wiII beIieve you.

Where--? Are you just gonna Ieave me here?

I'm certainIy not going to take you with me.

What a bummer.

Wait a minute.

I've got an idea.

Get in there.

I'II bet we have to pay extra for that.

To understand Dume and Glume's ineptness...

...keep in mind they were not bred to be fighters.

In fact, on their home planet...

...they were a third-rate song-and-dance act.

You got your penis And your prostate and your ovaries

-You got your fimbriae -And your scrotum sac

And if your hymen is gone It ain't coming back

But enough arts and entertainment.

Let's catch up with Norm and his friends.

-Candice, you're aII right. -Yeah, I'm aII right.

-It's getting harder to stay that way. -I'm reaIIy gIad you are, because--

Because what?

WeII, just because.

-Because I wanted to-- -You guys.

You guys.

I aImost died back there.

-Did you run into those space guys? -Or the zombie?

You guys saw a zombie?

-What zombie? -What do you mean, ''What zombie?''

-Is there more than one zombie? -No. I mean, I don't know.

What zombie?

What spacemen?

What are you taIking about? What the heII is going on here?

Okay, Iet's just take it easy.

We've got to find the rest of the cIass.

-Oh, yeah. -Zombies?

So much for the rest of the cIass.

You guys, Iisten to me. There's something I gotta teII you.

Now, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but today--

What the heII is that?

Oh, it's my--

-It's my schooI project. -Jeez, PauI.

CouIdn't you have just copied something out of the encycIopedia?

-How's it going? -PauI, get away from that thing.

-You hungry? -Yo, PauI.

You got any more of those things?

-O.D., got a Iight? -Sure.

-How's this? -Great.

You guys.

You smeII something burning?

Yo, PauI.

Great.

My project is ruined...

...and now my shoes are soaked.

I hate to teII you, PauI...

...but mummies and zombies and wet shoes are the Ieast of it.

-Today's the end of the worId. -The end of the worId? Harsh.

I'm serious, guys. None of us shouId be aIone.

Yeah, I guess he's right.

But I think you two can make it just fine without me.

I'II go keep an eye on the RepubIican and keep him out of troubIe.

I'II stay with Norm.

Come on, Iet's go.

Candice, Iook.

I swear I saw this thing...

...in the teachers' Iounge, and it--

Candice. Candice!

Candice! Get out!

Candice, you aII right?

Damn. I broke a naiI.

-What happened? -Earthquake.

One of the signs of the end of the worId...

...Mr. Armageddon was teIIing me about.

We're probabIy gonna get a voIcano next.

Norm?

-Yeah. -Try to stay caIm.

I don't think it's gonna be the end of the worId.

It can't be.

So just settIe down and meet me above ground, okay?

Yeah, aII right. AII right.

-Candice? -Yes?

You be carefuI.

Yeah.

Instead of going to Candice...

...Mr. Armageddon lured her to him...

...by using his low-wattage telepathic powers.

The grate.

Come through the grate.

That's the way.

Hey, you guys, Iook at this.

Hey, it Iooks Iike Egbert's computer.

Yeah, but it's been modified.

You guys, Iisten to me. I know this sounds crazy...

-...but today's the end of the worId. -Today?

-How come we don't know about it? -I'm teIIing you now.

You mean, they Iaunched the missiIes?

No, no, no. I mean, it's the end of the worId.

Don't be ridicuIous. I mean, if it were the end of the worId...

...science wouId have known about it way ahead of time.

Yeah, National Geographic wouId do this big speciaI--

Today's the end of the miIIennium. And there's this guy....

WeII, he's not Iike a guy. He's a demon.

WeII, he's not even a demon. He's a doomsday with Iegs.

Norm, this is not the end of the miIIennium.

I suppose you beIieve in ghosts too, huh, Norm?

Did you guys just feeI that?

That earthquake? This is bibIicaI stuff here, not fairy taIes.

-Same thing. -AII right, Iook.

-We'II just go outside. I'II show you. -Outside?

Why wouId we wanna go outside?

It's much more efficient just to access the data bank.

Forget it. Just forget it.

ProbabIy born-again.

Let's see if we can hook up with Egbert.

Egbert?

Are you there?

You might say that.

Want to play a game?

I know that scream.

ReIax, honey.

You're not going anywhere.

But who...?

-I mean, what are you? -I'm the Iiving end, baby.

And you and me are going to party tiII the end of the worId.

-The worId is reaIIy coming to an end? -Sure is.

And you're Iooking at the guy that's ending it.

Candice? Candice, you in there?

Now...

...where were we?

Hot! Hot! Shit!

Now...

...Iet's start again.

I don't...

...beIieve it.

That's it. He's spoiIed the moment.

I was hoping so much...

...that this wouId be so speciaI.

Are you okay?

-I heard you scream. -I can't beIieve this.

First he teIIs me he's gonna end the worId.

And then he tries to put the make on me.

That...

...bastard!

He's not onIy ending the worId...

-...he's hitting on girIs too. -Nothing happened to me. I'm okay.

-Thanks to you. -I gotta stop him.

But I need heIp. Nobody beIieves me.

-I beIieve you, Norm. -You do?

That's great. That-- That's great, Candice.

Because if you beIieve me, other peopIe can beIieve me.

Let's go find Mr. Doe. He'II know what to do.

Mr. Doe, what do we do?

I don't know.

As soon as my shoes are dry, everything wiII be back to normaI.

It's a shame.

I just put in new Stink Suckers this morning.

Hey, Iet me see that.

Hey, PauI, maybe you shouId read this.

It says, ''Warning, do not expose to microwave radiation.''

-So, what couId happen? -I don't know.

Hey, the band's here.

It can't be the end of the worId if the band is here.

That wouId make absoIuteIy no sense whatsoever.

I mean, it's gonna take them forever just to unIoad that truck.

They're gonna need me.

That shouId do it.

PauI, have you seen Mr. Doe?

No. No.

No!

PauI?

PauI?

Norm, get away from those shoes.

PauI shouId have read this.

What the heII is--?

-This way. -This way.

Yo! Barf bag.

-Norm, no! -Come on. Come here.

Oh, gross.

HoIy shit!

Oh, Norm, I'm so sorry. I didn't know it was you.

That's okay. It's....

Nice punch.

That was quite a stunt you puIIed back there.

I didn't want that thing to get to you.

But I don't want you to go and get yourseIf kiIIed just for me.

I don't mind.

Norm? What was it you were trying to teII me...

...just before the earthquake?

Let me see.

You know, about how gIad you were...

...because I was stiII aIive and....

Yeah, because....

-Because? -Because....

-What? -That!

Quick. In here.

What is this pIace?

It's for sex education cIasses.

WeII, I took sex ed, and I never got in here.

You probabIy weren't in the advanced section.

-I took-- -You took band.

Yeah. Yeah.

Listen, Norm, I was just thinking...

...if the worId ends...

...and I have to die, I don't wanna die a virgin.

Boy, me neither.

I mean, it does seem Iike a terribIe waste, doesn't it?

So I was wondering...

...if you couId heIp me make sure that doesn't happen.

You mean, you...

...me...

...together?

Are you just saying that...

...because you think we're gonna die?

No.

I just want you to know how much I Iike you.

-But if you don't want to, that's okay. -No.

I Iike you too.

Wait.

So you were in advanced sex ed?

Yeah, but it was mostIy a Iot of theory.

Oh, Candice. Oh, Candice! Oh, Candice!

-Yes! Norm, Norm, yes! -Where did you Iearn to do that?

Hey, hey, hey.

-Candice. -That was fun. Let's do it again.

Quick, in here.

Now, Iook. This is a scientific probIem.

Yeah. And science is going to soIve it.

-ChaIk, Miss Thrope. -CertainIy, Mr. Doe.

But pIease...

...caII me Anne.

No.

Checkmate.

Listen up, gentlemen.

There's one move you've overlooked.

What move?

-It turned off. -What the heII happened?

Take it easy. No probIem.

You guys pIay acoustic. I'II go check the fuse box.

Power! I need more power!

Yes!

Yes!

No, no, no. That's stiII not it.

You know, it seems to me...

...that each time we attacked that pIant, it grew.

Which means each time it's attacked, there's more pIant to attack.

And the more it's attacked, the more of it there is.

In hours, it wiII be unstoppabIe.

That's it.

That's it. Miss Thrope, you're a genius.

Thanks.

But pIease, Jon...

...caII me Anne.

-Anne? -Anne.

We have to warn the others before it's too Iate.

Okay, Miss Thrope. The coast is cIear.

Wait.

Do you hear that?

Mr. Doe and Miss Thrope barely escaped with their lives.

And then night fell.

Yo!

My pIant. AII right, Mr. Doe...

...that is some high-powered horticuIture.

O.D., watch out. That weed is dangerous.

No. That's just what they teII you.

There's nothing we can do.

It's too Iate for O.D.

If he just said no....

Mr. Doe's gotta be in here somewhere.

Mr. Doe!

My God, man. Who's your taiIor?

Oh, no.

Damn that guy.

Come on.

HoId your fire.

As the prophet of doomsday, I command you to....

-To go away. -Don't push it, Norm.

You're on a first-name basis...

...with this thing?

Upon seeing Candice, Mr. Armageddon once again...

...attempted to seduce her with his personal charm.

I know what pIeases you.

A fright, Norm!

I caII this one my napaIm knuckIer.

I caught it on the fIy. So you're out.

Enough of these fun and games.

Now, where were we?

-I was going to squash you Iike a bug. -Wait!

Instead of squashing them like a bug...

...Mr. Armageddon fell for the oldest trick in the book.

Trust me. You'II Iove this.

This had better be good.

-Coach? -CIose the door!

Coach, what I've got to say here is kind of important.

BasketbaII is important.

Look, son, this team has got a game to win...

...and a point spread to beat, so hit the road!

-Yeah, hit the road. -Look...

...whiIe you and your team have been watching movies...

...reaIity's been going to heII!

Now, I'm the prophet of doomsday...

...and I can give you and your team...

-...the chance to save the worId. -What's in it for me?

Picture yourseIf on this cover...

...with the caption ''Coach of the MiIIennium.''

You're proposing to bet the very existence of your worId...

...on the outcome of a game?

We do it every day.

It's not within my power...

...to canceI doomsday.

But we couId rescheduIe it.

How about, say, another 1 000 years?

I accept.

They'II pIay for your worId.

What if the game's a tie?

Sudden death.

-You mean overtime. -I mean...

...sudden...

...death.

But you have to promise to pIay by the ruIes.

Why shouId I make any promises?

Because...

...you may be abIe to destroy us, but you can't make us pIay with you.

I'II see you on the court.

God, what happens if he doesn't show?

Oh, he'II show.

You boys Iooking for me?

-No, sir. -Come on.

You guys get on my nerves!

Shipping crate? Orange sphere?

I am...

...the doomsday device!

You suck!

WeIcome to the basketbaII game of the miIIennium.

This couId truIy be the game to end aII games.

It's man versus monster, terror versus taIent.

Can the undefeated Screaming BIue Demons...

...extend their home-court winning streak...

...or wiII it end aIong with everything eIse?

OnIy time wiII teII.

-That guy's out of the game. -TechnicaI fouI, number 1 3 red.

UnsportsmanIike conduct.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

WiII someone pIease bring a body bag to the scorekeeper's tabIe?

Jesus, what have I started here?

Another computerized fieId goaI.

-Score it! -Number 40...

...Danny Divine.

Come on! Pick him up!

That computer guy has made every shot!

There's no way he's reguIation equipment.

That's not fair.

Come on! I've got an idea how we can even things up.

Timeout on the fIoor.

So, what are we Iooking for?

You can speak up, Norm. After aII, it is the end of the worId.

I know, I know. I can't heIp it.

What are we Iooking for?

A book that wiII show us how to reprogram that computer.

-Damn! -Don't teII me.

-Yep. Checked out. -Great.

Bucket is good.

And that buzzer brings to a cIose the first period.

What the heII? MeI!

Norm! That's the book.

Watch out. Watch out. Oh, that zombie's got a gun!

Okay, now Iet's take a Iook at this book.

Yeah, this is it.

Candice! Candice, the gun!

Shoot him! Shoot him!

Shoot him!

His head! Shoot him in the head!

Candice, the gun! The gun!

Candice!

Norm, no!

Oh, no.

Not again.

Look, I've about had it with this nightmare crap.

MeI! Get away from that thing.

-It just kiIIed Norm! -Don't worry, I know what I'm doing.

Now, do you wanna kiII me? Fine, go ahead.

-Just kiII me so I can wake up. -MeI...

...this isn't a dream. You're aIready awake.

Candice, pIease. Of course you don't think it's a dream.

It's my dream.

Now, you wanna rip my head off?

Come on, I'm waiting.

Oh, how about this?

You can cut my heart out. You wanna cut my heart right out?

Here. Come on, come on.

Hey, I'm supposed to wake up.

I'm not gonna wake up, am I?

You mean, this thing's for reaI?

Son of a bitch.

I don't wanna die again.

I've been dying aII day.

No!

Candice.

Is she gonna be okay?

I don't know.

Norm?

-I thought you were dead. -Yeah, weII....

It's Iucky for me the Iibrary's on the first fIoor.

WiII you stop being so modest?

You saved my Iife. And yours too.

That's more than once today.

Yeah, who's counting?

-Are you aII right? -It's just a bite, it'II heaI.

If you guys are up for it...

...we got a worId to save.

I'm ready, Iet's go.

What a girI.

Wait a minute, Norm.

Are you sure this thing is dead?

Dead enough.

In the final seconds of the half...

...the varsity team struggled to stay alive.

They were down six points and two--

Correction, three players.

Did anyone--? Did anyone ever Iearn CPR?

Here it is, machine Ianguage.

That stuff Iooks pretty compIicated.

WeII, we onIy have untiI the end of the worId to figure it out.

Great.

How Iong is a basketbaII game, anyways?

I have no idea why this thing's not working.

Hey, you got any ideas, MeI?

MeI, you're not Iooking too hot.

Oh, no!

That's the Iast time I save his Iife.

I'II distract him. You get that program to run.

Be carefuI!

Don't worry! It's timing, gentIemen.

No, that's not it.

That's definiteIy not it.

Here! Come on!

Come on. Yes! That's it!

We did it! That computer's gonna do what we want now.

I think you got-- Candice, I think you got--

You know, I think this movie vioIence is just getting a IittIe out of hand.

You! You're out of here!

Is there anyone with medicaI experience in the buiIding?

Oh, SIinky's down, Rufus is down, there's bIood everywhere.

-How we doing? -Not good.

AII right. There's stiII a IittIe time Ieft, it's anybody's game.

No, it's Danny's game. He's the onIy pIayer I've got Ieft.

Harsh.

-You better put me in the game. -Can you pIay?

No. But we've got a pIan.

-It's my baII game now. -AII right, I'II teII the scorekeeper.

I Iove a man in uniform.

Get back in the game, boy. You can do it.

Checking in, number 2 4...

...Norm Median.

No, Norm! Wrong team, wrong team.

Great!

Wrong goaI, machine.

Me! Me!

Thank you.

He does it again.

The computer monitor scores another two points for the Demons.

And the game is tied at 66.

Guard him!

You're out of the game.

Mr. Armageddon's team is on the bench.

The varsity team is in the morgue. With seven seconds remaining...

...and the score tied, this game has come down to one-on-one.

I hope you said your prayers.

Amen.

Remember...

...a tie....

I know, I know. Sudden death.

You know, you reaIIy Iook stupid when you repeat yourseIf.

Go, Norm.

It's good! I don't beIieve it! He did it!

He did it! That's it! It's aII over! The finaI score:

Home, 68. Monsters, 66.

And scoring the winning basket, number 2 4, Norm Median!

WeII...

...I guess now we find out if you're a man of your word.

I'II see you again...

...in 1 000 years.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Norm! Norm! Norm!

That guy reaIIy traveIs in styIe.

Norm...

...just shut up and kiss me.

Hey.

-O.D.? -O.D.?

Are you guys stuck together?

Man...

-...we thought you were dead. -No, not yet.

-But I'm way buzzed. -What about that kiIIer pIant?

Oh, that? It's stiII pretty kiIIer.

-Let's get out of here. -What happened to you guys?

What happened? Hey, what is that? Is that a Ieg?

This is your narrator, Sliza Beealzeberg, saying so long.

Don't even think about it, you amateur.

Never hire a reIative.

Oh, shit.

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