Original subtitles

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We hadn't seen Margaret or Henry

since Fourth of July

when Mark got the keys to the Athletic Building

and we flew like kids for a night.

I think that's where it all ended, but...

they had no idea.

This is to cheating death

by a near-miss.

Those heart thumps...

leading to a kiss.

Wish it could stay like this.

Guess it's good-bye to sex in parks,

running from cops, cigs on rooftops,

skipping school, and stolen swimming pools.

Stoned, sweaty nights, bar fights,

drunken bliss.

Wish it could stay like this.

Yeah, she's always around the noise, totally chill.

Who are we talking about here?

I think the two of 'em really clicked during pregnancy.

I can see that, man.

- Good job.

I'm pissing my fucking pants, dude!

Thanks, brother. What's her class this year?

-Third grade. -Nice.

- Oh, yeah, great age!

Oh, fuck.

I-I'm sorry, man.

You're so lucky. Oh, my gosh.

Like, Waters is talking about the--the, like,

the fascists inside of all of us.

Huh, are Margo and Henry on acid, too?

It's a two-year program

that most of the second year is spent at the women's clinic.

Wow, that is so amazing.

What made you get into this field of work?

If you don't mind my asking?

I don't know.

Uber went to the house behind this one on accident.

Fucking idiot.

He said he'd be here in, like, another 30 seconds.

Well, it was so nice to finally meet you in person.

Oh, my God, you, too.

When's the big day?

- Um, August. - -Oh...

That's really exciting. Congratulations.

It was good to see you.

I'm sticking around for a bit.

Oh, cool.

- Merry Christmas. -You, too.

Can I just talk to you by the...

...trouble drinking a glass of wine in my left hand.

- It just always spills...

- and with my right hand... - -Dude, what the fuck?

There was a chip on it.

So, you just smashed it?

- Yeah, I almost cut my lip. - -How we doing?

I think Sam is wearing out his welcome real fast.

-You have a thick paper bag? -What?!

Hey, Samer! Pew pew pew pew pew

pew pew pew pew pew pew. We're gonna go on an adventure

- if you wanna join. - -Love to.

You are such an asshole. You know that, right?

You're listening to Capital Crimes.

The time is currently 11:37 p.m.

with just over two full days left in the year.

It goes from beautiful to disgusting almost instantly,

- doesn't it? - -Hm.

If you're just joining us,

we've learned today that the now-infamous Metro Rail Duo

had been self-proclaimed best friends

since the sixth grade until circumstance,

jealousy, and betrayal led to murder.

It remains to be seen whether posterity will find them

to be victims or instigators of the tragic series of events,

but the District Attorney's office has stated

with confidence that there were no innocent bystanders.

-That's better. -This news segment is brought

-to you by...

- What'd you get?

- Good things. - -Ah.

Oh...that's better.

-It wasn't that bad. -No, it was great.

You know, just because he's engaged doesn't mean

-you can't-- -Gross.

Huh. I was gonna say "doesn't mean you can't

-be friends." -Mark's not like that.

He's not like that or you're not like that?

With him?

- Where are we going? - -A coke dealer's house?

- It's a surprise.

No good. "Turn left on to River Road...

and continue for six-and-one-quarter mile."

Bo Jones! Bo Jones!

I think they're building a big condo development here.

Yeah.

Only an hour on the metro.

"Turn left on to unnamed road now."

Have you been here before, dude?

Yeah.

-How do you know this guy? -Class.

Hey, holla out back.

-Class? -Yeah.

What up? What up, son?

It's okay, baby, I got you.

What's up, kid?

¶ ¶

I'm not gonna even try.

- Hey, I'm Henry.

- All right. - -Margaret.

Sup? Sit down. Make yourself at home.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

What do you got there?

So, what are you kids getting into tonight?

We went to some old, high school party.

- Fucking sucked! -Nah, on a break.

I thought school was out?

She's in grad school, I teach kids.

You teach kids? What do you teach kids?

- So I hear you're selling acid? - -You know it!

Yeah, how much you need?

Oh, I don't know, um...

four...tabs?

-What's that gonna run us? -For you?

- Fifty. - -Wicked.

I see Jesus...

coming for you tonight.

You fall down. Down to Chinatown.

You think it'd be weird if Mark met us here?

Boom!

¶ ¶

I'm tired.

So, what else can I do for you?

-You got any coke? -Yeah...I got coke.

¶ ¶

-Like a big girl. -I am a big girl.

-Yes, you are. -I'd love to buy a G.

Don't want to take advantage of your hospitality.

- You kids in New York? - -New York City!

How'd you tell?

- I just did a movie up in BK. - -No way.

Yeah.

I dabble.

-Oh, yeah? -Mm-hmm.

Hey, Samer, how you feeling?

Fascist.

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Yo, Geezy, where's my movie, bro?

-I accidentally swallowed it. -You motherfucker.

What's this music?

Russian Brazilian. It's my cousin.

- Where's Russia Brazil?

-Amber Jones? -Nah.

Got it!

Watch this shit.

Aw, yeah, just say, "New York City!"

Hey. Hey, what you doing over there?

Yeah, you.

Get your sexy ass over here.

Oh, you're fucking kidding me.

-You want this? -Wow, look at that.

What you gonna do with that towel there?

Just wait and see.

Showbiz is ruining you, bro.

- Good, right?

- Oh, fuck. - Who's the broad?

That's all me right there.

Nice, right?

- The fuck are you laughing at?

-I'm sorry. -Sorry.

Yeah, because Paris Hilton was already a Hilton.

I'm saying. I never heard of her

or the Kardashian girl before the tapes.

Then they got their own show.

Then they got their own clothing lines.

Then they get the fucking yachts.

- He's got a point, Henry. - -You have to be like

a debutante first or something, man.

- She is a debutante. - -What?

- She is a debutante.

Well, this has been a lot of fun,

but it looks like it's somebody's bedtime.

-You good? -Yeah.

Okay, here are the keys to my car.

- We are calling an Uber. - -Thank you, Jesus.

Love you, too, baby boy.

I'm sorry.

Oh, no problem, little guy.

- You'll be all right. - -Yeah.

Okay.

Fascists couldn't have always been us, Henry.

What's that?

-Let's put on some music. -Okay.

¶ ¶

¶ ¶

-Good morning. -Morning.

¶ ¶

No, Mom, the wall's not meant to stop them,

it's meant to separate them.

You're not hearing me. It's the symbolism.

¶ ¶

¶ ¶

Fuck.

¶ ¶

¶ ¶

Huh, I guess she didn't like being upstaged.

Well, I'm just sorry you bore the brunt of it.

Hmm.

-You know, of my transgressions. -Ah, your transgressions.

-My sins, if you will. -I will. I will.

Well, it is just a window, Maggie.

¶ ¶

-So, what else? -What?

-What's up? -Hm? I don't know.

What?

What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

Nothing. It's just a weird morning.

Well, vandalism can be very jarring in my experience.

Oh, shut up, dude. Shut the fuck up.

-It's not your shitty window. -Okay, thanks.

No, I just got home and, uh...

it felt weird for a sec.

"Weird" like dizzy?

Yeah, dude, weird like dizzy.

¶ ¶

Remember that day Mark swam in and hugged a dead deer?

Ugh.

It came right apart in his arms.

It just seemed like a kid's dream where I was

touching everything with my big, stupid hands,

but I'm actually a totally different person.

It's not...

me anymore.

My hands were buzzing and I kept thinking,

"What is it that I need right now?

Do I need a coffee? And I had that thing

where your heart's pounding in your ears.

-Sure. -Do I need food or...

to masturbate or take a shit?

Fucking TV... but everything

just felt so stupid and arbitrary and I-I didn't

actually want anything, but I couldn't just stand there.

That would be the worst-- the worst!

Everything felt hella foreign for a bit.

-Foreign? -Yeah.

Like taking a shower or reading a book.

I just felt like doing human things.

What? Like a cigarette monkey?

-Yeah, kinda. -Well, we are, you know?

-Shut up. -Sorry.

No, it was like... with the soap.

It was like, first I wash my right arm,

then my left, then I brush my hair.

-Yeah? -Yeah, just like doing shit.

-Oh, you mean like lunchtime? -Yes!

Money's in my wallet right here.

-...on my belt. -One, two, three, four, five--

- Oh, you like me funny?

It was like...

you know, in a night terror, how there's nothing

holding your soul in your body?

And, like, gravity isn't...

keeping your heart and your limbs

and your neck together?

I don't know. In that moment I would've given

anything for it to just be...

over.

So, what'd you do?

I put on my mom's workout videos.

Keep it up! Two, three, four, five, six.

And now?

I feel fine.

The accused claimed to have run

for fear of his life when the police cruiser

allegedly drove onto the--

- Infinity! -No!

-Infinity and oblivion! -I'm not an asshole.

This wasn't just a hangover. I have had those.

Well, your body's all you got, baby.

You...are an asshole.

Yeah, I know. It's like I feel the words

bubbling up and they just have to go somewhere.

...of a much greater sickness

inside the capitol building.

Or maybe you should try harder to keep 'em in.

-I mean... -Novel idea.

...we'll be speaking with Peter Blaze

long-time daytime idol and new voice

for the alternative right.

You might know him as the malevolent neurosurgeon

Stephen Synchat and later his twin brother...

..."Empty Hospital." This news segment

is brought to you by Bo Jones luxury condominiums.

We just went to a friend of Samer's after the party.

Uh, you know.

We're at Dieter's. Yeah, dude, it's packed.

I don't know if you can get a table.

What are you up to?

You registered at Bed Bath--

I kinda thought she'd be more of a Williams-Sonoma type.

Why don't you register at, uh...

Union Hardware? That's where dad goes.

Well, it's your shit, too.

Do you want another beer or are we cross-spinning later?

Yes, please.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Do you want?

All right, dude, I gotta go.

You're cramping my game.

'Kay. Bye-bye.

Bar.

Bar.

-Mag! -What?!

God! You just made me lose.

-What's up? -It's Amber Jones.

-Huh? -Amber Jones!

Sir, can you turn it up a little, please?

It's pretty loud already. It's only 2:00.

No, the TV. Could you turn up the TV, please?

-Sure. -Thank you.

...the two were last seen on Friday night

in the parking structure of one of her father's

many chain restaurants in Silver Spring, Maryland.

Miss Jones was reportedly having a heated conversation

on her cell phone. She was accompanied by

a heavily tattooed white male between the ages

of about 30 and 50 years old.

Montgomery County Sheriff's department is asking

anyone with any information about her whereabouts

to call them on a special hotline.

That number is 301-725-4927.

Again, 301-725-4927.

And we'll be right back after this break.

We've got some more frigid weather ahead.

No. Call the fucking cops.

-Henry... -You just saw her last night.

She wasn't even kidnapped. She's just a nut job.

Now it's gonna kill our Christmas.

Fucking pigs'll talk at us forever.

-Henry. Henry! -Mar, I don't wanna help

a bunch of bullies find their dicks!

Who said anything about the cops?

We don't need to call the cops.

We can find her ourselves.

Huh?

I guess it could be kinda fun.

It's really a waiting man's game, huh?

Shut up. We've only been here for an hour.

What if he's not home right now and we miss our chance

-to get the tape? -Yes, Henry,

we may be here for a while.

Suck it up. This isn't a game.

I bet he's just getting up.

Jesus. The disparity between 29 and 31 is fucking staggering.

What sad, sad smiles.

-It's 'cause people lie. -What's that?

You're 36, you say you're 29. It's absurd.

You're 36, you say you're 31. It's a tiny fib.

Yeah, that's the saddest thing I've heard all day.

-Bingo. -Oh, nice.

¶ ¶

Person of int...

Shit!

Okay, he saw us. Let's go.

Why would he know what car we have?

-That wasn't-- -Don't be stupid.

That was a suspicious fucking look around.

- He's suspicious

or we're suspicious?

We're both suspicious.

¶ ¶

Turn right on to Falls Road.

Oh, God. Get down. He might see you.

It's okay. I'm wearing a hat.

Shut up.

¶ ¶

¶ ¶

Someday this will all be his.

- Don't be shitty. - -Sorry.

So, what do we do now?

Goddamnit!

¶ ¶

-Who's house do you think it is? -Some dick.

- Jesus! - -Pop the trunk!

Oh, my God. Fucking kidding me?

- Don't open the door!

Oh, I'm sorry! You want me to climb in

-through the fucking glass? -Pop the trunk!

Where is it? There it is!

He turned her into a rug!

-Hey, rich boy! -Huh?

Let me talk at you a sec.

Scatter!

Go! Go!

Must go faster. Must go faster!

Oh!

- Ooph!

- Oh, shit!

For me?

-It was good to see you. -I'm sticking around for a bit.

Oh, cool.

Just remember the tasting tomorrow.

-Tasting the cake. -Right.

9:00 a.m., so just try not to get too drunk.

-Okay. Bye. -Bye.

-Call me when you get home. -Okay.

-I'm in trouble. -You're in trouble.

You are in big trouble.

Oh, hey.

-Yeah. -Yeah, well, that's huge.

- I guess.

So, was this percolating last summer?

How are your parents?

Um, they're better.

Or just different. I don't know.

Have you seen them yet or did you just have...

Henry pick you up from the bus?

Oh, you.

So, I guess after that I gained a little weight.

-Ha! -You asshole.

Dude, do you have a gun?

So, uh, how long are you in town for?

-A whole week. -Shit.

-Yeah. -What are you gonna do?

I don't know. Maybe babysit?

Or just, you know...

party.

- Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! -Oh! Pew! Pew! Pew!

Oh!

Nope! Bitch already broke that one.

Fucking invincible. How could our luck

possibly run out? Oh!

-Outstanding. -So...

-you gonna call the cops now? -Fuck the cops.

And say what? She's just a runaway?

Runaway? She's like 20 years old.

She's just a fucking white person.

Ow! Goddamnit!

I don't really know what you can do other than

pay for my drug dealer's window.

-Ah, nay nay. -Nay nay nay.

You may think the trail has run cold and yet...

- Oh!

-What have we here? -What's that?

This is what we in business call a lead.

A whole box of these in his car.

-So? -So maybe they were in business

together trying to turn her into a star.

So this might be, um-- this is the girl we saw on TV.

Oh.

Have you seen her anywhere else?

Take a good look.

No, I don't think so.

But I'm just gonna call him and tell him what's going on.

Oh, my God, can we listen to the CD first?

I don't have a CD player.

All right, party animal. Get your shoes on.

We're going for a drive. Let's go. Come on.

-Up and at 'em. -First right shoe then left.

Let's do it. Shoes on.

Laces laced. Let's go. Going for a drive.

Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!

Up you go. Up you go. Right now. Let's do it.

Cruisin' down the road, bud.

- Let's do it. Come on.

Let's start with track

numero uno.

¶ Just walk ¶

-¶ Away ¶ -Hm.

¶ ¶

¶ Just walk away ¶

¶ ¶

¶ Give me your heart ¶

-¶ Your body ¶

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. There might be a clue.

¶ Your mind and your whole soul ¶

¶ And I'll spare your life ¶

¶ Give you safe passage ¶

¶ Just walk away ¶

¶ ¶

¶ Just walk away ¶

I don't think she has a classical background.

Oh, that's the saddest.

It's not that bad.

Do they get younger here?

"Just walk away. Just walk away.

Give me your heart, your body, your mind,

and your whole soul and I'll spare your life.

Give you safe passage. Just walk away."

- Maybe it's abstract. - -It's road warrior.

It's got an address.

Puts her address on the CD?

You are so stupid. "Little Diva Records.

5900 Addison Road Capitol Heights, Maryland."

Capitol Heights? Where's that?

It's the other side of D.C.

- Who's winning? - -Stripes.

Well, what do you say we pay the folks

at Little Diva Records a visit

and rustle some feathers?

- Capitol idea.

Goddammit, Iko!

-Fuck it! -Get the fuck out!

-Go! -All right!

What did I do?

-What did I do? -What'd he do?

-Fuck you. -What?

I said "fuck you," bitch.

-Jesus. -Yeah, I'm shutting down early.

I swear to God it's the last time I serve Iko.

He's done!

- Phillip. -Huh?

-Phillip Killian. -Who the fuck are you?

I used to babysit you, dude. I helped you poo.

Who the fuck wears a visor?

Dude, what happened to you, Phillip?

"The Giving Tree"? We used to cry together

reading "The Giving Tree."

- I'm kicking everyone out. -Let it go.

- Whatever. -Oh, my God.

Are you fucking kidding me?

What the fuck happened to you? You were so sweet.

- Come on.

- What happened? -What did I do?

You did something.

Your parents were the fucking best, little dude.

How could you talk to a stranger like that?

She really babysit you, bro?

The name sounded eerily familiar,

but he was only four years old back then.

You still got her number?

That exchange would stick with him,

but he'd never tell a soul.

She was hot. Why'd you let her leave?

Next up we speak with the poet activist

Alex Glock about his new series Bully to Us.

Mr. Glock said in an interview last week, and I quote...

Did you think that was Disneyland when you were a kid?

Yeah.

¶ ¶

Yeah, I mean, I'm not gonna literally die from boredom.

I mean, it could be worse. I get to work with my dad.

Yeah, I'll bet he likes that a lot, too.

- Don't make it gay. -Ah...

-The safety's off, man. -What?!

- Ooh, good catch. - -Uh-huh.

So, when do you guys open again?

Uh, we were open today.

-Oh, no. -Yup, school's over.

- Fuck you.

So, I would love to hang out while I'm down.

Yeah, maybe we can do it in the parking lot again.

- Pew.

Dude, what the fuck?

¶ ¶

Capitol Heights. 12:00 p.m.

The habitation of the record executive

was offset by a self-storage site.

Never a good sign.

My partner was, once again, having difficulty

with the latch on her door.

She'd clearly had one too many the night before.

Are you really gonna bring that in with you?

Disarming. Oh! How's that so hot?

Let me take the lead on this one, okay?

-The place was a real dump. -Stop it.

Uh, hello?

Yeah, who's this?

-Oh, my God. -We're here about Amber Jones.

-Please. -Get your game face on.

Down here!

Down here!

Hi.

Hey.

Hey.

Have a seat.

How can I help you?

How's it going, man?

I'm good. Thanks.

What can I do for you guys?

- Shit. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Um, we were planning a concert at UDC

and we were wondering if Amber Jones

might be available to perform?

Uh, February 17th.

Who?

Amber Jones.

Yeah, you mentioned that name on the intercom.

We don't--I don't record anyone by that name.

This is Diva Records, right?

-Little Diva. -We must have the wrong studio.

Where did you get that?

- The store. - -From our friends.

- Where'd that bitch go?

You guys fucked up.

Shit.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

- Whoa!

- Safety! -What?

Safety on the inside...

Your face! I will shoot your fucking face!

Get down! Down now!

-Hey, dick hole! -Okay.

Okay.

Come on. Come on.

- Come on.

- Jesus!

- Screw this! -Sorry! Come on!

-Holy shit. Holy shit. -Fuck.

Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.

Holy shit! Oh! Okay! Okay.

Oh, my God!

Okay! We're okay. You're okay?

You're okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. We're okay.

Okay. I'm okay. I'm okay.

We're okay.

¶ ¶

Hey.

Hey, Margaret.

- Margaret!

What?

May I see some identification, please?

Oh, you.

Well, that was new.

¶ ¶

You okay?

Never been better.

Let's go.

¶ ¶

That same rash around their eyes.

Pink eye? Didn't strike me as the types

-to wash their hands every time. -What would you do

if you were 100 pounds up against those two Blutos.

What? Mace?

Let's go back to Russian's.

I think I got it.

Yes, ma'am.

What if he sees the car this time?

Apologize for the window.

Try to make a purchase to smooth things over.

He's involved?

He wouldn't have shown us a video of her

sucking his dick.

Probably just fucking her.

Poor bastard.

Okay, so who's dumb enough to record an album

with somebody then kidnap them afterward?

When Mark got maced at Homecoming it only looked

that bad for a couple of hours.

-Right. -She went missing on Friday,

but I saw her running around three days ago.

So where's she been? She's not...kidnapped.

She's not tied up.

I think we just missed her at Little Diva.

Something tells me she ain't got a lot of friends.

Okay, so she's held up at a record studio

wasting police time and money in the middle of nowhere.

What's the fight over?

Last seen yelling on the phone at her daddy's business.

-It's money. -You're kidding me.

-A ransom? -Look at that.

Fucking awesome.

I'm sorry to say I think it's time to make

that anonymous call.

Russian's probably got enough coke in there

to put him away. We're not doing that.

Let's see where she goes.

Fucking douche face. Faced--Fucking shithole!

You still see her?

Just up here.

Sorry.

- Should I get a condom? - 753

I haven't exactly been giving them away.

I'm saying that you produced four boxes

of worthless pieces of plastic that nobody wants for free.

That's not my problem. No.

No, you're the one that promised that you could deliver

- on Wale. - Oh, yeah. Okay.

Oh, yeah, I bet you just wanted half of my dad's money.

Why are you even getting a cut anyway?

I mean, all you did was fucking...

let me hide in your bullshit studio.

What are you doing?

Yeah, well, you can bill me for the Visine, douche face.

-Run if it gets messy. -Messy?!

Russian's, but you won't find it there, so don't try--

I don't know who the fuck they were!

Maybe they were just trying to book me!

- Ever think of that?! - -Hey.

-Phone call's over. -What?

You heard me. Hang it up.

Don't-- Don't point a gun at me, bitch.

It's over. Let's go.

Now.

You don't know who you're fucking with.

Oh, I'm sorry. Have we met?

Get in the potty, bitch.

Lock it.

Come on!

What the fuck are you doing?

You did it! Are you fucking kidding me?

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!

Go! Go! Go!

9-1-1.

9-1-1. Please state your emergency.

Amber Jones appears to be locked in a Porta Potty

on Connecticut and-- All right.

- Oh, my God!

-Money! -No, it's not ours!

I wanna drive!

-Oh, shit! -Hey, guys.

-Hey. -Hi!

- What's shaking? -God!

-It's not funny. -We love you, but we gotta run.

- Love you, too.

I'd stay in tonight.

Okay, bye!

Cracked it wide fucking open.

- Keeping it. -So, I wouldn't use the word

"heroes," but I just did, so...

- Huh. - Your turn.

That sounds really dangerous.

Oh, I'm sure it does.

So, let's hear it.

You're a hero, Margaret.

There it is.

So, what's your plan tonight?

Oh, we're celebrating. I don't know if I mentioned,

but that case, it's fucking closed.

So we found some fancy champagne in the basement.

- Did you hear that?

That was fucking perfect. What is going on?

- What? - What?

- Hmm? - - Um, so, are you...

-going out or...? -Yeah, we took that acid

we bought from Sam's friend like 20 minutes ago

so...

Sorry, how long have we been on the phone for just now?

I don't know. 40 seconds?

Oh, thank God. That's what I thought.

Well, it'd be great to see you before you leave.

-I would love to!

You wanna talk tomorrow? I might be a little slow.

Um... what are you up to tonight?

Oh, everything. We're hitting all the clubs.

We're going to Aspen Hill in our parents' finest attire.

- Aspen Hill? - - It's up and coming!

Oh did I not mention that we're invincible now?

-I didn't hear that part. -Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, we are now and that's kinda our new thing.

Yeah, I'm thinking about pulling the plug

on this whole thing.

¶ As you are my guy ¶

¶ ¶

¶ You are... ¶

I'm sorry.

Yes?

Hey, Henry.

Hey, Marky Mark.

What are you doing?

- Ah, nothing.

I'm--I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm being--I'm being rude.

No!

Okay, Marky Mark.

Marky Mark. Marky Mark. Bye bye!

Bye bye, Marky Mark. Bye bye.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Why do you have this? Why? Why? Why?

-No! -Why do you have this? Why? Why?

¶ ¶

Do I savor Christmas cards?

Dummy.

Do you save your Christmas cards?

Ah, well, yeah, but they do eventually find their way

into the trash. So, well...no?

- Oh, fuck.

-No. No. No. No. -Fuck!

Fuck!

You'll have to get that tail light fixed.

You're gonna keep getting these.

Oh, nuts.

You are aware that it's cold outside, yeah?

-Yes, sir. -Okay.

Well, I don't want you driving on the street anymore

in this neighborhood. I want you to go home...

and get an Uber.

Yes, Officer.

Merry Christmas.

- Yeah, shut up.

- Shut up. Shut up.

Look at you.

Fucking awesome.

-We love you. -Model citizen, everyone.

You love you and I love you.

You and are I are so proud of you.

¶ Go ¶

¶ To sleep ¶

¶ ¶

¶ Make ¶

¶ Time for a dream ¶

¶ ¶

¶ Go ¶

¶ On my own ¶

I said, "We're having a celebration."

Do you hear a-- a celebration

and we'd be much obliged--

much obliged indeed,

if you would give us two dirty, gin martinis.

One that's on the rocks and the other one...

that isn't on the rocks.

That's off the rocks. That has no rocks.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

¶ Go to sleep ¶

¶ ¶

Ohhhh, I'm sorry. I didn't know we could

only drink your whiskey.

You didn't strike me as the jealous type.

You're outta here. Go. Go.

-Oh, we will. -Oh, we will!

We're taking our business to Maryland because...

-Gotta go. -you, sir, are far from--

I left my card inside. Do you mind if I

go in real fast? One second?

-Two minutes. -Thank you. Hold this.

¶ ¶

¶ In my arms ¶

¶ We will go ¶

The Air and Space Museum is fantastic.

Whoa! Hey, buddy! Jesus.

He came early.

The Easter Bunny came early.

¶ They will find ¶

¶ The light ¶

¶ ¶

-We're here! -Don't worry. We're here.

Everyone can rest easy. We've got it all under control.

Swell digs to ring in the New Year.

Ooh, darts. I'm gonna eat 'em.

¶ Take time for a dream ¶

¶ ¶

We would like another round of martinis, please.

-We're celebrating. -Yes, we're heroes.

Speaking of which, do you mind if we watch

the local news? We're fans.

Ooh, just in the nick of time.

Thank you.

Thank you.

We'll be back in a moment

with more on that and also the weather forecast,

but first we have some breaking news.

-Oh! Shh! It's on! -In an unusual turn of events,

Amber Jones has been rescued by Montgomery County Sheriffs.

¶ ¶

She was trapped in the bathroom

of a gas station near I-495--

What?! That's not what happened!

We served her up on a silver platter and they blew it.

Oh, my God. What'd I say?

Five foot of Johnny Law don't know

-a prized ham from a turkey. -That's--Shut up.

...more as this story develops.

-Oh, my God. -After this.

Well, we did our jobs. We can't speak for them.

What'd we do?

Seriously. What'd we actually do?

...exhausting all resources to find

the whereabouts of her three-month-old child.

She has a daughter?

Yeah, they said it today. It's terrible.

Ugh, gross. Wait, what?

¶ ¶

She would've said--

¶ ¶

9-1-1. Please state your emergency.

Uh, Amber Jones' baby Joy, she's in a drainage pipe

-in Kensington. -No, she would've told--

Shut up. She's crazy.

-What is your current location? -There's no time.

It's freezing outside. Please, just go now.

-Oh, no. -All right.

-Where is this drainage pipe? -It's uh...

It's behind Russian's.

It's off Connecticut in the woods behind...

-How many miles? How many miles? -Henry!

-It's only a mile away. -Goddamnit. Goddamnit.

-We have to go. Now. -Shit.

¶ ¶

Oh, no.

Shhh... Oh, shhh...

Joy!

-Joy! -Where is she?

-Where is she? -Joy!

-Joy! -Joy!

-Joy! -Joy! Joy!

Joy!

We lost the baby.

¶ ¶

Where is she? Where is she?

Joy!

Mar!

- What?

The baby.

Where'd you find Joy?

- How you know my baby's name?

Oh!

Oh, come on!

We were just having a talk about our money.

Ugh, your money's all over there.

- What did you say?

Your money, it's all back there.

There's a whole fucking bag of it,

you fucking peasant.

-When did you find Joy? -What?

Is she cold? Can I hold her?

- Hey!

-Hey-- -Hey! Hey!

- Hey...

Okay...

Okay.

Show me where it is.

- The kid can stay. Come on. - -Thank you.

- Let's go. -No.

Let's go!

No.

Fuck!

Get in the house.

Get back inside!

-Get back in--Get-- -Help!

- Get back in-- -Help!

- Fuck!

Everyone, put your hands

above your head.

Put your hands above your head!

Drop your weapon or we will open fire.

Requesting back up. We got a full house here.

Okay, we have 482 coming out there.

Uh, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

You guys be cool.

- Is the baby inside?

Remain silent. Trust me.

Hey...

I'm surprised you still have those on.

Probably didn't know we could do that, did you?

Well...

there's clearly been some kind of misunderstanding

that put you at the same house with a kidnapped child.

I'd love to clear this up and send you home.

So, let's have it.

What are you doing?

Hm.

Well, listen, I'd hate to have to lock you up for the night.

You know, this isn't a nice place for a girl like you

to stay on New Year's.

Now, maybe if you gave me a little something

to work with, I could give you a ride home.

We could start fresh again in the morning.

Well, Margaret...

seeing that you're remaining silent only leads me to believe

you're behind this whole thing...

like your boyfriend Henry said.

And I wish I could help you.

You seem like a good kid...

but it's getting late. Guess we'll just have to wait

till tomorrow when the court opens

to charge you with suspicion of kidnapping.

Which I don't have to tell you is a very serious crime.

You can use your phone for a sec.

You should probably call home.

Who is that?

It's one of my idiot friends.

Sorry, he didn't pick up.

I want my phone call!

I need to call my mother!

Hey!

I gotta get back to the party.

- Fuck!

It's almost four. I gotta get back to the party!

- I left my dick at the party!

- I have to go back

to get my dick!

My dick is at a party!

What do you call a cow masturbating?

- What? -Beef stroganoff.

¶ ¶

Oh, gracias.

Margaret Rockland,

your buddy's lawyer wants to see you.

¶ ¶

Yeah, we really lucked out.

We have to come back in a while and testify

which actually could be kinda fun.

We just have to tap dance around self-incrimination

and say citizen's arrest like three times.

Yeah, assault and obstruction of justice

would be a real shame.

As would possession of an illegal firearm

and criminal abduction.

-Allegedly speaking. -Ah, so, uh...

remaining silent is actually pretty good advice then, huh?

That's what I hear.

So, uh...

what about the Russian?

His name's Russian.

I'm not sure he's actually Russian.

Uh, he's fine.

He got home, saw his missing kid,

and thought, "I should probably move all my shit."

You should probably move your shit.

Okay, so he packs up all his stuff

and leaves it at a friend's,

no intent to sell, then what?

He got back a couple hours later

to call the police about the kid only to find

Amber's recording partners there waiting for him.

-Hey. -And, so, if you had remembered

to hang up the police call...

They couldn't have tracked it.

And so...

Dirt nap.

- Holy shit. - Yup.

Are you fucking with me right now?

Nope.

Shit.

Okay, so...

so this girl self-kidnaps,

she has her business partners order a ransom

her dad drops a bag of money off a bridge or something--

like in a fricken movie.

Once they got it, she maces them both--

I'm assuming while the kid's in the room...

um...leaves the kid

at her baby daddy house...

who's a drug dealer--

Well, I think she was only planning on

leaving her there for a second.

So, then...

she...calls him up to, uh...

apologize or-- or renegotiate

or whatever and she tells them where she is

thinking they won't come after her.

Hey... phone call's over.

Well, in her defense, I don't think she had

much of a master plan.

Well, I would say...

destructively irresponsible,

but, um...

I guess, uh, short-sighted is a more opportune word.

Yeah.

It's kinda going around this season, huh?

Yeah, I guess so.

Kinda disappointing, you know?

Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry, Maggie.

I just...

miss...

I just keep waiting for an adult to show up and take over,

but it's still just...

me.

You know, we could talk about actual shit.

I guess I miss that more than anything.

Yeah, well, I'm not dead, dude.

Yeah, I-I know.

So, how's the office?

Dad's, uh...

getting real old, man.

Yeah, that might be the worst part.

You know, it's just we can't fuck anymore.

It's not a death sentence.

Yeah, I know.

¶ ¶

Um...

I gotta go back inside. I didn't, uh...

bring a coat out with me.

Love you, Maggie.

I love you, too, Marky.

Then why don't you marry him?

That was in poor taste. I'm sorry.

Dude, why are you still Tindering?

-We're leaving town. -I know, right?

What are you gonna do, jump off the bus?

-You never know. -You never know what?

You never can be quite sure.

¶ ¶

Some argue that by this point

in the administration, his lucidity was so far impaired

that he could only comprehend what was directly

in front of him like a goldfish or a bumblebee.

It wasn't to say that his intentions were malicious

so much as ungrasping of the scenario in its whole.

Next up, we'll be listening to an interview

from earlier today with the DJ that we all love to hate,

Jonathan Sears.

¶ ¶

Hey.

We live...

in New York.

¶ ¶

¶ ¶

¶ ¶

¶ Just walk away ¶

¶ ¶

¶ Just walk away ¶

¶ ¶

¶ Give me your heart, your body ¶

¶ Your mind and your whole soul ¶

¶ And I'll spare your life ¶

¶ Give you safe passage ¶

¶ Just walk ¶

¶ Away ¶

¶ ¶

¶ Just walk ¶

¶ Away ¶

¶ ¶

¶ Just walk ¶

¶ Just walk ¶

¶ Just walk away ¶

¶ Just walk away,

¶ Yeah ¶

¶ ¶

¶ Waited for the cold ¶

¶ ¶

¶ And I can't ¶

¶ Forget when we were ¶

¶ Small ¶

¶ ¶

¶ Waited for ¶

¶ The cold to come ¶

¶ ¶

¶ Breathing through the weak ¶

¶ And it came out strong ¶

¶ ¶

¶ Waited for the cold ¶

¶ To come ¶

¶ ¶

¶ Can't believe I'm waiting ¶

¶ Wanting for more ¶

¶ ¶

¶ And I can't ¶

¶ Leave you now ¶

¶ And I can't ¶

¶ Breathe out ¶

¶ And I won't ¶

¶ Ask for more ¶

¶ ¶

¶ When you go now ¶

¶ Don't make boy mad ¶

¶ And we won't talk about ¶

¶ What went wrong ¶