Original subtitles

NARRATOR: This is the story of science and invention.

It started in the early days, when man picked up a limb of a tree...

... and used it as an implement.

[WHACK]

Thus, the age of invention had begun.

[HORN HONKS]

And today, striving to make this world a better place to live in...

... great inventors are still at work.

But there is none greater than that unsung genius...

... Professor Calvin Q. Calculus.

Eureka, I did it.

I did it, I did it, I did it.

Gertrude, come quickly. I've done it.

What have you done?

At last, at last, at long last, I have succeeded.

Well, what have you invented this time?

A portable hole.

Portable hole?

Hmph. You and your silly inventions.

Now, you listen to me.

I slave to keep a roof over this house...

...while you waste time with those idiotic ideas of yours.

First, it's dry water and then round squares.

And now portable holes.

I'm getting sick of it all. You don't care anything about me.

You forget our wedding anniversary. You never say anything nice to me.

I'm weary and tired of being a lovely, sweet, silent wife to you.

And one of these days, mark my words, you're going to regret it.

Do you hear me? You are going to regret it.

Extra. Extra. Read all about it.

Inventive genius makes great discovery.

Extra. Extra. Read all about it.

ANNOUNCER: Professor Calvin Q. Calculus proudly displays his latest invention...

... the portable hole.

In the following scenes, the professor will demonstrate a few of its many uses.

This is one way of using it in the home.

Henry.

Come dry the dishes.

ANNOUNCER: The portable hole will also make a dog's life easier.

And for golfers too, the portable hole would be ideal.

Here, we have a baby locked in a safe.

[BABY CRYING]

[BABY BABBLING]

Professor Calvin Q. Calculus receives the Moball Award.

MAN: Speech. Speech.

[CLEARS THRO AT]

[ON STEREO] Ladies and gentlemen...

... I invented the portable hole for the good of humanity.

But let us all hope it will never be used for evil purposes.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

[ALARM BLARING]

[BLOWING WHISTLE]

[GUNFIRE]

Oh, there's bad news tonight.

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

[GUNFIRE]

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

[WHISTLE BLOWING AND GUNFIRE]

[CALCULUS READING HEADLINE]

Good, serves him right.

Crime does not pay.

Well, if you ask me, it's a crime the way you've been treating me.

If you think I'm going to put up with your silly nonsense any longer...

...you're sadly mistaken.

This house is not big enough for the two of us.

One of us must go.

My, that was a deep one, wasn't it?

Isn't it bad enough down there without her?

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