Original subtitles

DAFFY. I was in my office in the subway terminal building, room 711.

I was disposing of my last case.

I needed a new case bad.

Then the phone rang.

(PHONE RINGING)

I answered it. I said hello.

Hello. Duck Drake, private eye speaking.

What's on your mind, besides your hat?

Yeah, yeah.

The J. Cleaver Axehandle Estate, huh?

Strange goings-on out there?

Like what, for instance?

MAN. Like, listen.

(GUNSHOTS FIRING)

(SCREAMING)

(SIRENS WAILING)

Like that, eh? Not interested.

For 10 G's! How do I know you got that kind of dough?

(CASH REGISTER CHANGING)

He's got it.

(SCOFFS)

I should've asked for car fare.

(CASH REGISTER CHANGING)

I decided I'd better hop out there.

The Axehandle place was one of those plush 50-room mansions in Beveridge Hills.

I rang the doorbell.

The door opened. It was the butler.

(LAUGHING)

All right, Runnymede, why did you do it?

Oh, what's the use?

The suspicious-acting butler is never guilty in these whodunits.

Walk this way, sir.

It ain't easy.

Right here in the library, sir.

All right, let's get to the bottom of this. Where's the body?

WOMAN: Was someone asking for me?

Enter the inevitable amorous babe

who's just crazy about us hard-boiled gumshoes.

And just who are you, sister?

I'm the body, sweetheart.

And I'm innocent. Do you hear me? Innocent.

This is innocent?

Mmm, mmm.

(BARKS)

Oh, baby. You gorgeous hunk of duck.

Why did you do it?

I didn't do it, sweetheart.

- I'm innocent. - Oh, no, you're not.

You did it, all right. Guilt is written all over your face.

Oh? Hmm.

You did it and you're glad you did it. You're despicable, just plain despicable.

(STAMMERING) And...

And you're cute.

You hated the old goat. You couldn't wait to get rid of him.

Then, you saw your chance.

And you drew your little pistol out of your bag and you pointed it at him.

(LISPING) And slowly squeezed the trigger. Tighter and tighter and tighter.

Not so tight!

But you didn't kill him.

(KISSING)

You only winged him.

You grabbed the deer rifle off the wall.

He ran screaming from the room.

(SCREAMING)

And when he tried to sneak out you let him have it.

Yeah, pretty good shooting.

But not good enough. He was still kicking.

- So then what did you do? - Search me.

Business before pleasure. Please, madam.

You were determined to exterminate him, weren't you?

Stop that! We have work to do.

(BARKS)

Yes. You were determined to get rid of him.

You evil woman, you.

You cutie pie, you.

And this time you weren't going to fail.

Here, hold this.

I'll bet he looks cute in a bathing suit.

You held onto the end of the rope,

and he entered the room, a little smile on his puss, suspecting nothing.

And when he got right here, directly under the piano,

you let go of the rope, didn't you?

(PLUMMETING)

You were getting desperate. You had to finish him once and for all.

And then you recalled that the 5:15 ran right past your door.

And that he always opened the door to watch it go past.

And you fixed it so that this time it wouldn't go past!

Hmm?

And impatiently you watched the clock, waiting for it to be 5:15.

And at exactly 5:15, he opened the door.

Sunday driver.

It'll take more than that

to keep Duck Drake from solving this baffling crime.

Crime, sweetheart? Nobody's committed any crime.

They haven't?

Then why, I ask you, why was I summoned here to the Axehandle Estate?

Silly boy.

The Axehandle Estate's a couple of blocks up the street.

(STAMMERING) Then you are innocent!

Uh-uh, sweetheart.

I'm guilty.

No crime committed, but she's guilty.

(LISPING) And what, pray tell, may I ask are you guilty of?

Of being crazy about you, sweetheart.

Uh-oh, she's got that old ball-and-chain look in her eye.

Well, so long.

(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

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