Original subtitles

You're killing me! I'm being murdered! I can't stand this torture anymore!

I'm dying! You're killing me!

I'm telling you, J.L., you're typecasting me to death.

Comedy, always comedy.

Honest, J.L., you just got to give me a dramatic part.

- Well, l... - I knew you'd see it my way, J.L.

It just so happens that I have with me the very script we've been looking for.

- Yes, but l... - Let's see now, where to begin?

Oh, yes, Page 1.

"Chapter 1. Once upon a time..." Great opening, huh?

"Once upon a time in merry old England, there lived a daring young highwayman...

"known as the Scarlet Pumpernickel.

"The Lord High Chamberlain's men...

"could never catch this handsome young desperado...

"for he was slippery as an eel and smart as a fox.

"The Lord High Chamberlain was simply furious."

I'm simply furious.

"But Milady Melissa was simply delighted."

I'm simply delighted.

Keep away from that masked desperado...

That masked stinker.

"One day, the Lord High Chamberlain got an idea.

"He would marry Melissa to the Grand Duke.

"That would bring the Scarlet Pumpernickel to town."

Quick. A messenger. Take a letter to the Grand Duke.

First, I am happy, for I am to marry the fair Melissa.

Then, I am furious because I despise...

the Scarlet Pumpernickel.

"Meanwhile, high in a tower room, the fair Melissa awaited her fate."

Scarlet, now we'll never be married.

"As the wedding day approached, the Lord High Chamberlain's men...

"eagerly awaited the coming of the Scarlet Pumpernickel.

"About this time, at an inn near town...

"a weary young traveler has just alighted from the Dover coach."

How's your cuisine and your good wife, my foul churl of a pheasant?

A peasant.

Mister Nobleman, you honor my humble lodgings.

Yes, they are humble, aren't they?

My room, bumpkin, I'm pooped.

Then what happened?

Then, Page 192.

"That night, Milord Chamberlain receives a noble visitor."

Milady the fair Melissa is indisposed, milord?

No, Your Grace, but she wishes to see no one until after the wedding.

"Vanity, thy name is woman." To coin a phrase.

The wedding must take place tonight, milord.

The Scarlet Pumpernickel is about, masquerading as a gentleman.

And who might you be, sirrah?

Mayhap, perchance, foppish that I am...

I might be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?

You, the Scarlet Pumpernickel?

That's silly!

That's ridiculous!

I shall have Melissa make ready, milord.

The wedding will take place right away.

This looks like a job for the Scarlet Pumpernickel.

That's funny. That never happens to Errol Flynn.

Hush, Melissa. Don't be a little fool.

I'll have to check with Errol.

Scarlet! Help! Scarlet, save me!

What's to save?

- Yeah, then what happened? - Then...

Page 1,666.

"Back at the inn..."

Parting is such sweet stuff.

But you will be safe here, my beloved.

Here's a wrinkle Errol never thought of.

I must refresh myself before continuing with the chase.

Innkeeper?

Trifle with me, will you, milady?

Keep away from me! You won't touch me.

Coming, Melissa!

Scarlet Pumpernickel. En garde.

- Riposte. - Cafe au lait.

Champs Elysees!

You ain't got a chance.

I'm the hero of this picture, and you know what happens to the villain.

So what's to know?

Yeah, then what happened?

The storm broke in all its fury.

And then the dam broke!

Yeah, then what happened?

The cavalry rode to the rescue! But they were a little too late.

Then what?

The volcano erupted and dropped lava over everything in sight!

Yeah, then what happened?

The price of foodstuffs skyrocketed!

Is that all?

Is that all?

There was nothing for the Scarlet Pumpernickel to do...

but blow his brains out.

Which he did.

It's getting so you have to kill yourself to sell a story around here.

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