Original subtitles

Let's see now. Through Azusa, turn left at Cucamonga...

till you hit Los Angeles.

Then straight out Wilshire Boulevard to the La Brea Tar Pits.

Don't look much like Los Angeles to me.

I knew I should of taken that left turn at Albuquerque.

Look at that horrible monster attacking that poor old lady!

Have courage, Granny, I'll save you.

He put up a terrific battle, ma'am. But clean living prevailed.

You've ruined my pipes.

- I'm going to... - Hey, wait a minute!

You're no woman, you're a man!

Certain, I'm a man, and what's wrong with that?

What's wrong? ''What's wrong,'' he says.

You can't go around like that! It's indecent.

Indecent?

It ain't got no two pair of pants, but it'll do till you get home.

Now, one good turn deserves another.

Could you point out to me the shortest route...

to the La Brea Tar Pits in Los Angeles?

La Brea Tar Pits?

There are no La Brea Tar Pits in Scotland.

Scotland?

What's up, MacDoc?

It's been in the family for years.

So, McCroary...

poaching on my property!

I'm displeased, McCroary.

You shouldn't shoot my rabbits.

Yon bunny rabbit didn't belong to you.

- It didn't? - No, it didn't!

- Wanna bet? - No!

We'll settle this in true Scots tradition.

- At games. - Games?

Okay, pigeon. Sit down.

Nah, we don't play that game.

- Is there another one? - Golf!

- Golf? - Aye, golf.

- Choose your weapons. - Have it your way, Mac.

But don't you get a little tired running them 18 bases?

Fore!

A hole in one. Not bad.

- Fore! - Four? Three and a half.

A hole in one?

You little cheater, you four-flusher. You can't...

Let's see here.

Two.

Two?

- Fifty-five! - Fifty-five?

The gentleman in the pinafore bids $55. Do I hear $40?

Going at $55.

- $40! - Do I hear $25?

Do I hear $10? Do I hear $5? Do I hear $2?

I'll make it $1, and that's my final offer!

One it is.

A hole in one!

Fore!

I win.

- That was a dirty bit of cheating! - Cheating?

That identical situation occurred in the New Hebrides Open.

Kaduffleblaze versus Fuddle in 19-aught-18.

And what about Fradis versus Ginfritter?

Bizbo versus Stoigen in the Casablanca Amateur?

Cheating indeed. The nerve!

'Tis plain that the weight of evidence is greatly against me.

But you still cannot beat me at the pipes!

Try and top that!

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