Original subtitles

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(FIRECRACKERS EXPLODING)

Hats off to Tanis, boys.

It's certainly a great day for Thunder Bay.

Yeah, Tanis has outdones herself.

She sure did.

Say, where is Tanis?

Well, Tanis the

Tough gal. Homewrecker.

Rocket. Sniper.

Alpha female. Temptress.

A bit rough around the edges.

Tried to lure you in to the barn for a...

Round of the bases. Homewrecking.

Slam. Crush.

Roll in the hay. Lay in the biblical sense.

Toe curl. And the truth is you kinda wanted to...

Pet heavily. Wreck your home?

Rack up a kill. Score a take down.

Have the best sex of your life.

Fondle? Become one.

But you didn't. Because that's not what a...

Good 'ol boy. Real man.

Straight shooter. Team player

Seriously? God‐fearing gentleman.

Stand up guy. Does.

On the contrary, a...

Good 'ol boy. Real man.

Straight shooter. Team player.

Pussy. God‐fearing gentleman.

Stands‐up guy. Doesn't cheat.

So while you walked towards the barn for what one would assume was a...

Poke. Terrible fucking idea.

Easy kill. Quick mash.

Whatever you are into, baby.

Lustful encounter.

A lot of character is undertaken.

You didn't.

You got in the truck, drove over to Rosie's and...

Now, Rosie is a...

Real pretty gal. So fucking cute.

Ten. Damn.

Book reader. Goddess.

Fine woman. You can't be with one woman

and have feelings for another.

You are of the opinion that cheaters are...

In the wrong. Like, 95% in the wrong.

Bad? Or...

Seduced. Fair and square.

Antagonized.

Likely a good persons who just mades a mistake.

And you shouldn't very well go down that road.

So...

BOTH: Here's the thing...

BOTH: Okay, you go.

BOTH: No, you go. Okay, I'll go.

I'm gonna move to the city.

You are gonna move to the city?

I'm gonna move to the city.

What city? Vancouver.

Well, you won't get many random snowy summer nights like this in Vancouver.

Nope. So what's in Vancouver?

Pit bull rescue.

I'm tired of reading about it every day. I wanna help.

You're a great fucking gal, Rosie.

You're a great fucking dude, Wayne.

When will I see you?

When you see me. Good enough.

And that's what a get out of jail free card looks like.

Boy, howdy. Well, I should say.

Sick buddy. Sick, bro.

Can we bang now? Wondrous!

I likes Monopoly.

So, as for Tanis...

Get after it. Sure.

Killzone? Poundtown?

We should be banging right now. Tanis.

You could do much worse, good buddy.

You and Tanis are gonna give her the old college try.

Good enough. Good enough.

BOTH: Good enough. Good enough.

Good enough. Good enough.

Good stuff.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

DAN: Finally, a non‐summer weddings.

I'm smilings.

Well, it seems a little bit unfair

that at summer weddings gals get to wear a nice, breezy summer dress

and then we're stuck being sweaty

and sticky in some three‐piece wool suit.

I guess it can gets quites pongies down there.

Yeah, it can get a bit moist. No.

Who do you think is gonna moist the Stanley Cup, this year, Katy?

I'm thinking Calgary. I swear to fucking Christ

Oh, did you never see Moist Story?

Or Moist Story 2, starring Tim Allen and Tom Hanks?

Are you out of your fucking mind? I will fight you.

We don't fight at weddings.

So, Dary, are you gonna be wearing your dad's suit?

Do falling timbers make tambers?

Who the fuck are you? Yes, Katy.

I got it for a grade 13 semi‐formal from the Letterkenny Op shop.

Loves the Op shops. I'll take the Sally Ann.

You know what? That suit is so dad the last time you wore it,

it told me the Dire Straits were the greatest band of all time.

That suit is so dad

it ate all the lunch meat on the way home from the grocery store.

The suit is so dad it owns a VHS copy of The Hunt for Red October.

So, Dan, are you gonna cold rock a kilt?

Like my Grandpas and his grandpas before him.

A little class, a little sass

and a lot of ass all in one tartans garments.

Wayne, I assume you'll be wearing one of only two suits that you own.

Two will do you. One for weddings and one for funerals.

A good suit lasts you the rest of your life if you take care of it.

What would you wear for a court appearance? I've never been arrested.

What would you wear to a job interviews? I've only ever had one job.

KATY: What would you wear to a bar mitzvah? Not Jewish.

Bat mitzvahs? Still not Jewish.

Graham's from the city.

So there's gonna be a lot of citiots at this thing.

(GROANS)

I fucking hate citiots.

They're always going on about how we're saying,

"fucking mud in our fucking hammies".

Fucking riding our sleds down to a fucking pit party, bud.

Giving her tits.

I was climbing the ladder up the hay mound behind your brother and ew!

Ripped a fart that sounded like a creaky door opening

inside a hot air balloon, but...

We do not fight at weddings.

No, but we can get laid if we're keen to.

Sexy just wafts around at weddings.

Plenty of opportunities for people looking to do some yessing.

A little bit of wedding spreading.

A little bit of matrimonies and hide the balonies.

Oh, sure, maybe some exchanging of rings and rubbing of things.

KATY: Clear eyes.

Full Windsors.

ALL: Can't lose.

Clean up well, Cowboy.

Well, a good suit will last the rest of your life if you take care of it.

And me?

Well, I wouldn't kick you out of bed for eating fucking crackers, Tanis.

Top shelf ceremony, boys.

Short, sweet and not too much God.

I'm told God doesn't have much time for gays these days, so...

Par for the course, I guess.

Real prouds of Dax and Ronsford jumps in the brooms like that.

Good guys. Good grooms.

I wonder what that must be like.

What? Getting hitched?

No, being into dudes. I've got so many questions.

Yeah, and I wanna hear exactly zero of them.

It's like, what if you are attracted

to somebody with the same name as you?

Is it like, "How fun"?

Or is it fucking weird? It'd be fucking weird.

Quite likely. That's never happened to me.

Guess the closest I ever came to it was almost doing it with a gal named Sheryl.

Yeah, I suppose it'd kindsa be like the time

I almost hooked up with a gal who had the same names as my Grandmas.

That would be fucking off‐putting.

It was. It was distracting at inappropriate times...

With...

Ruth.

I wish there was a goddamn way I could do it with a Katy.

Ew! Or a Kate or a Caitlin.

I guess Katherine would even be walking the line.

There's no way I could do it with a Wayne.

Ew! Unless it was Gretzky or Rostad.

Or Newton.

(CHEERING)

I'd bow to the great ones. I'd bend right over.

I'd like Gretzky in my office behind the net.

I'd be a jar of curry in a fucking hurry just feeding him all night long.

I promised Mess I wouldn't do this.

I just promised to mess.

I'd let Gretzk leave my ass seriously McSorely

I'd let that lady Bing lady bang me.

That's 69 with 99 into overtime.

I'd just straight up let him 99 me.

Howdy who. Ah, what's a 99?

It's just fucking while spooning.

(CHUCKLES)

All right, boys.

Show me what you can do with a cock.

(ALL GASP)

Hail!

ALL: Hey‐ho.

Oh, good day, lads.

Did you ride your fucking sleds here?

Oh, are you fucking matting her?

Is she a charity ride, like, "Holy Fuck"?

Just about clear putting it in the fucking rhubarb.

Yous just gonna stand there rubbing your peckers or what?

Oh, she's fucking tits, eh?

D'you give her beans, bud? D'you give her boots, bud?

Do you give her fucking torque?

MAN: Do you wanna get fucking smoke?

Or are you taking her easy?

If she's easy, take her twice, bud.

We'll call you toonie two times.

Let's do her manure.

Isn't this the part where you... We don't fight at weddings.

Those citiots can fucking tie their dicks in a knot.

They can go piss up a rope.

Gretzky, Rostad and Newton for Katy, eh?

I'm surprised Lil Wayne didn't make the cut.

What?

Great dress, Bonnie. Thanks.

Op Shop.

You look like the girl who punched my V ticket.

What's your nationality?

You ever seen the back seat of a BMW X3?

You should be honored. My buddy here only fucks tens.

Only tens. Right in the X.

Seriously, come outside. I'll show you the 3.

It's actually the exact same as the 5.

(WHISPERS) X5.

(WHISPERS) BMW.

Just way better on gas.

Living the Beem.

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Stewart, I know you are the world's foremost fire selector,

but this is a wedding and I promised the grooms we'd play songs like

Brown Eyed Girl and Shout and Lean on Me,

Ain't No Mountain High Enough and Mambo No. 5

Yous guys got the Chicken Dance ready to play yet?

I fucking love that song, I'll tell you.

I put it on in the barn for the cluckers when them pecker‐faced bastards

ain't dropping eggs, I just love it.

Are you being facetious? Huh?

Can your vestigial minds even comprehend the derogatory nature of your requests?

Or maybe you could compromise?

Do something cool like beat juggle the Chicken Dance?

Here, take...

Enough!

Deejaying is an art form.

A medium in which the most prolific audio auteurs of our time can speak through.

A deep connection of the soul of yourself

and the gyrating asses of the great unwashed

who eagerly thirst for your deafening compositions.

I like gyrating asses but I'm pretty sure it ain't art there, bud.

Yeah, wouldn't you have to have written the songs yourself for it to be art?

I'm sorry, composed?

I think the word is produced.

Right, or at least didn't download off the Internet so you could profit off them.

Yeah, you are more like an art dealer than an artiste.

Or like an art gallery curator.

Selling stolen paintings.

That you printed off the Internet.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Whoa!

If you do not fall back,

and fasten that lip.

Your other, thinner lip.

I'll turn this elegant, soigne ceremony of the coming together of two bonded souls

into a straight up blood rain.

Hey! Over here.

Chicken Dance.

Get it?

(MUTTERING)

Just wanna go (CLUCKING)

Good game you fucking beauties.

Way to tape your sticks together, boys.

You two make a hot pairing.

Five minute major and a lifetime misconduct for butt ending.

You boys enjoying yourselves?

Acting single. Seeing double.

Drinking triples.

Daxy, I gotta say,

solid work on the big city slam prospects.

Solid big city slam scouting, Daxy.

Boys, a little, uh, players only here.

You are not pulling tonight.

BOTH: Yes, we are.

These are modern city gals.

None of them have any interest in hockey player types.

Boys, big muscles haven't been popular with the ladies since Jersey Shore.

The only way to get any attention from a cosmopolitan, college gal type

is to get in touch with your inner twink.

You need to be less power forward

and more power bottom.

We'll get our wedding stylist to help them out.

So we need to...

Spruce up our look?

No.

You gotta bruce up your look.

So Professor Tricia says that Letterkenny has developed into quite the homosexual scene

and we can rightly expects a Pride parades next springs.

Never been to a Pride parade. What's it like?

It's like a Santa Claus parade.

Except instead of handing out candy, they hand out condoms.

I should probably start thinking about a name right now.

Great Day for gay. A Hard Gay's Night.

Eyes Pride Shut. Pride Green Tomatoes.

Pride of Chucky. Independence Gay.

Ferris Bueller Gets Off.

Star Wars Rogue One.

The Princess Pride. Pride of Frankenstein.

Pride and Go Seeks. Carlito's Gay.

Night of the Giving Head. Lay Anything.

Final Mantasy.

Third Cock from the Sun.

How fella Got His Groove Pack.

The Gay the Earth Stood Still.

Eat, Gay, Love.

Dr. Strangelove

or how I learned to stop wearing, "Love the Bum".

Bonnie and Pride.

ALL: Oh, Bonnie McMurray.

You boys tried the catering yet?

I am chomping at the bit to get one of those cupcakes.

Nots to be impolite, Dary

but it's actually champing at the bits.

Oh, you got those pits ready for your fucking ponies?

How many ponies you got under your hood? You got a frigging hemmy under there?

How many CCs is your sled?

Do you fucking pin her when you get pickled there, bud?

Oh, I really fucking gave it to her last night.

Working hard or hardly working?

What happened to the part where... We don't fight at weddings.

I gotta piss. KATY: I'll come with you.

BONNIE: Yeah, same. Okay, let's go. (CLEARS THROAT)

My cock he lives now. (CHUCKLES) Redux.

What's up, ladies?

What is your nationality?

Grow up around here?

Have any tattoos?

I got a Celtic symbol on my calf.

I got a Nike swoosh right above my heart.

I got you a drink. I swear it's not a roofie.

Yes, it is. Of course, it is.

Hey, that's a real nice dress.

Look a lot nicer on my hotel room floor.

You ever seen the front seat of a Honda del Sol?

I'll have a roll in your hay any day.

We don't fight at weddings.

I got a Harman Kardon system in the 3.

X3. BM motherfucking W, baby.

It's actually way better than Bose.

Dickskin? Dickens.

Fellas, a list of my requests.

To be played back two, back two, three, four, well I have five songs...

No requests.

How dare thou come into my private roost

of penetrating beats with an audacious act of social and musical treason.

Every single one of these is a Brooks and Dunn song.

Starting with the Boot Scootin' Boogie.

I didn't realize they had other songs.

Of all the boogies, the Boot Scootin' is the last one I would

and will ever torture myself or others with.

I'll give you a Boot Scootin'.

What about Blame It on the Boogie by the Jackson 5?

Boogie, Oogie, Oogie, A taste of honey.

Boot Scootin'. Boogie Wonderland, by Earth Wind & Fire

Elton John's Street Boogie.

This wedding needs a boogie and it's gonna be Boot Scootin'.

Born to Boogie, T Rex?

Boogie Woogie Wu, Insane Clown Posse.

Zip Gun Boogie, T Rex again.

Take the damn boogie and make it a Boot Scootin'.

I'm Your Boogie Man, KC and the Sunshine band.

I'm Your Boogieman, White Zombie.

I hoped it wouldn't come to blows over a boogie.

But I'll damn well go to blows.

For the Boot Scootin' Boogie.

Not happening, Dickskin. Dickens!

I got it. I got it.

I got the Chicken Dance.

Went home and got it out of the cassette player in the tractor.

You play it now or later. Either way, you'll play it.

Or you'll die.

What's with the super sad glassware, boys?

What's with your hair?

Oh, just got some big city prospects.

Don't wanna risk putting a big goose egg up on the board.

Don't wanna fan on a yonny cage, buddy.

So, we bruced up our looks.

What does that mean?

Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it, yeah.

How's that going for ya?

Uh, good. We got bites.

Yeah.

Well, we got like, a... A bite.

They were 50 though.

I took down an older lady once. It was kinda fun.

Kinda weird. Why?

Well, after she made a pizza.

Sick, buddy. She ordered a pizza.

No, made a pizza.

From scratch, buddy.

I had to sit and talk

while she made a pizza.

You two look like dandies.

You look like pansies.

You know, the landscape might be changing

but manly men never go out of style.

Hello, ladies.

Yeuch, I can't drink this shit anymore.

What am I a ballerina trying to get skinny?

I'm gonna get some rye, babe.

Cheers.

Katy got hit on by a top hat guy.

A top hat. A guy in a top hat.

I'd rather take down a city than a guy in a top hat.

Oh, I don't know, Ms. Katys.

Some men looks quite statelys in a top hat.

Scrooge McDuck comes to mind.

Mr. Peanut. Slash.

The guy from T Rex. Abe Lincoln.

Uncle Pennybags from Monopoly. Willy Wonka's.

The Cat in the Hat. Guy from T Rex again.

Oh, hey there, buds.

Is she a manual? Or are you driving a bitch stick?

You like bud lite? You like butt holes around here.

Oh, did you get your pecker stuck in a bottle of brew?

Where's your sweety bud?

Did she leave you to your John and your John Deere?

Where's your John queer, bud?

I was brought up on Looney Tunes and only dancing when nobody's around.

Learned the heck out of it that way, Dan.

I am fucking irritated.

We don't fight at weddings.

Right.

We don't fight at weddings.

Ten four? Over and out.

Hello, ladies. Ladies.

Can we interest you in a shot of sourpuss?

Perhaps a half glass of white zinfandel?

Have you looked at any interesting furniture lately?

I admire his eye for interior design.

What are you two going on about?

You are really missing the mark.

You know, metrosexuality went out of style

with the Von Dutch and Chingy.

We are into men. Classic men, athletic types.

You don't look like you can fix my car.

You don't look like you can fix a sliding screen door.

What? Wha... What?

We're ... We're hockey players.

We're the snipe, celly boys.

Dirty fucking dangles boys.

What are you guys going on about now?

Now you are just being posers. It's pretty pathetic.

Even if you are hockey players, we are not puck bunnies.

Or lacrosse‐titutes.

I don't even drink... I drink beer. (GROANS)

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Where are you guys staying tonight?

There's only motel in this shit hole, so that one.

I've never ridden in a BMW X3 before.

What about a BMW X3 with a luxury leather package?

She just said she'd never ridden in one, idiot.

Take me home.

Ladies and gentlemen.

The song for the first dance...

Chosen by...

The grooms.

(GUESTS APPLAUDING)

I can't wait to take sauce from you

and slot from now until the horn blows

at the end of quadruple overtime.

Playoff rules, nice.

There was always an open bet.

I'll take the tender tonight.

A six man, you know what I am talking about.

As long as you can bury. Oh, we will find a hole.

You can't slip one past me. Let's steer this back.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Sucking on my titties

♪ Like you wanted me

♪ Calling me all the time Like Blondie

♪ Check out my chrissy behind

♪ It's fine all of the time

♪ Like sex on the beaches

♪ What else is in the teaches Of peaches?

♪ Huh? What?

♪ Sucking on my titties Like you wanted me

♪ Calling me All the time like Blondie

♪ Check out my chrissy behind

♪ It's fine all of the time

♪ What else is in the teaches of peaches?

♪ Like sex on the beaches

♪ Huh? What?

♪ Huh, right

♪ What?

♪ Huh? What?

♪ Right

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Huh? What?

♪ Right

♪ Huh? What?

♪ Right

♪ What else in the teaches of peaches?

♪ Like sex on the beaches

♪ What?

♪ Right

♪ SIS, IUD

♪ Stay in school

♪ 'Cause it's the best

♪ IUD, SIS

♪ Stay in school

♪ 'Cause it's the best

♪ IUD, SIS

♪ Stay in school

♪ 'Cause it's the best

♪ IUD, SIS

♪ Stay in school

♪ 'Cause it's the best

♪ Sucking on my titties Like you wanted me

♪ Calling me All the time like Blondie

♪ Check out my chrissy behind

Yous looking for trouble? Yous looking for trouble?

Yous looking for trouble? So what if we are?

We don't fight at weddings.

Wouldn't dream of it, bud.

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Huh? What?

♪ Right. Uhh

♪ Huh? What?

♪ Right. Uhh

♪ What else is in the teaches of peaches?

♪ Like sex on the beaches

♪ What? Right. Uhh

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away

♪ Fuck the pain away ♪