Original subtitles

Well, you seen some pretty outrageous things in your life,

but nothin' more outrageous than what you seen the other day.

Favorite superhero, go. Hmm, Superman.

Wonder Woman. Batman.

Deadpool. Why Batman?

He's quiet. Ah, mysterious.

No mystique, big mistake.

Tell them that. BOTH: Nuhnuh!

Pete and repeat. W5.

Just finished a runski. Little jogski.

Little sprintski. A little trotski.

Good film. You don't wanna see this?

WAYNE: I smell body spray, so I know it can't be good.

Alexander.

Confucius say a man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

What do you think about these two?

They're not gonna get any chicks dressing like gays.

What if they are gay?

Then they're definitely not gonna get any chicks now.

Your junk looks like it wants to shake my hand.

You stuffed a winter glove down there?

Looks like a Ziploc baggie full of carrot sticks to me.

Small price to pay

for the scientific competitive edge, boys. Compression tights.

We're over here decreasing wind resistance by 2%,

you're sitting over there like suckers.

You're decreasing your manhood by a significantly...

BOTH: ...larger percentage.

A significantly larger percentage, yeah.

All right, let me get to the bottom of this... Holy fuck!

Give me one good reason why you wanna go running in tights

with your junk bouncin' about.

Give me one good reason why we shouldn't.

WAYNE: Want two? Even better.

Women and children.

Tights are for girls. Compression tights.

They hold your muscles firmly in place

while improving blood flow to the muscles.

So, Lululemon comes along.

Revolutionizes the female ass game.

Dudes say they love it because they secretly want to wear it?

These are nothing like Lululemons.

They're exactly like Lululemons.

Okay, yeah, but they're not Lululemons.

WAYNE: If it looks like a duck

and quacks like a duck... They're not!

What if they are?

Then they're definitely not gonna get any chicks now.

They're for increased athletic performance, boys.

But we can see your junk, boys.

That's actually not from the tights.

Uh, we're also wearing this new kind of underwear called Bagz.

WAYNE: They're coming' land, sea and air.

Army, Navy, Air Force, baby.

Separates your dink from your balls.

And your balls from your leg.

To avoid chafing.

Dudes chafe? WAYNE: No.

(SCOFFS) Try running in compression tights, bud.

WAYNE: No!

How do they separate your balls from your leg?

You put on your gitch, right?

Just like any other day. Nothing out of the ordinary.

But with Bagz, when you pull 'em up,

you drop your balls into a hammocklike pouch.

(POPS TONGUE)

Yeah, you just set 'em in there, like... (POPS TONGUE)

And you just drop your balls in the pouch right there.

Yeah, you just station them in there,

like... (POPS TONGUE)

But that makes your junk stick out even more?

You tell me, KatyKat.

WAYNE: All right, so you wanna

You throw on some tights.

Compression tights.

Junk's out there. Women and children.

Increased athletic performance.

WAYNE: And then you put on some special underwear

with a pouch for your balls...

Just set them in there. (POPS TONGUE)

Yeah, just drop your balls in the little pouch right there.

WAYNE: That make your junk

stick out more. Oh, that's it, boys.

That's the dagger.

KATY: (SOFTLY) Oh, God.

No mystique, big mistake.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

You're early.

If you're not 10 minutes early, you're late.

Very cool. Very nice. Fuck you.

Pardon? Not you. Guy behind you just

farmerspit on the carpet. Unusual business as usual.

I hear you're taking your little cousin

to Quebec for his 18th birthday.

That okay? Just making conversation.

Why Quebec?

Well, he's turning 18.

The legal drinking age in Quebec is 18,

so, do the math.

Fuck off! What's that?

Not you. Girl behind you just cropdusted.

Very gnarly. Very gnarly, very unnecessary.

Unusual business, as usual.

Anything else calling your name in Quebec?

Poutine? Smoked meat?

Nope. Best strippers in Canada.

Okay, is that to me or someone behind me?

ROSIE: Cousin. Cousin.

Dierks.

How are ya now? WAYNE: Good, and you?

I am fuckin' dying for a piece of you.

Oh, hi, big daddy.

I am just dying to get you.

Katy.

Movie starts in five, big shoots.

PitterPatter.

Everybody in your town likes me except for you, cute butt.

Chew on that. Zoot.

I don't like that dude. I don't like that dude.

I don't like that dude.

Well, ain't no reason to get excited.

I know you're just doing that

to bug me. What's that?

Stop doing that. Stop doing what?

You didn't even read that page. Which page?

(CHUCKLING) Stop that! Sorry?

You're missing your book.

I've read this book several times, so...

Not missing much.

Must be a pretty good book.

Oh, it's a great book, it's...

The Black Donnellys.

I like how those pants fit. It's a good pant.

Good pants?

Why, is there more than one pant?

It's a pair of pants.

Oh, the gal at the store called it a pant.

Well, that's a gal who should know they're called pants.

One time she called it a jean.

Bet she liked how that jean fit too.

Katy thought she was a lesbian. Hmm.

(GROANS)

She still trying to get in your pant?

Okay, maybe it is pants.

Tough go, eh? Yep.

Getting any easier?

Yep.

We going?

Well, I got chorin' to do first, so...

I got two strong hands. I can help.

Well, more hands make less work.

Prove it.

Oh, what, so after that, we go over there together?

Don't threaten me with a good time.

So, what would you say if like...

We started going, like,

most places together.

I'd say, PitterPatter.

Good enough. But let's get at 'er.

Big day in Letterkenny.

Yep. It's...

Day beers day! Day beers!

Day beers! Day beers!

Day beers! Day beers!

Day beers! Nose beers!

Stewart!

Happy day beers day, tout le monde!

Already got a pint of gin in the cocksucker.

I think you've had more like a fish bowl of gin there.

More like a salad bowls of gins.

More like a waste paper bakset full of gin.

Attaboy.

One of these days, we'll just fill up the bathtub with gin.

Skip the middle man! Uhoh. McMurray's hammered.

I know what that means.

I'm out. Where's you goings?

Dierks took his cousin to Quebec

for his 18th birthday, and they just got back,

so I'm headed stateside to help them with their hangovers.

That's something that girlfriends do, right?

I really wouldn't know.

Caesars? You bet.

Why Quebec?

Best strippers on earth in Quebec.

The legal drinking age is 18.

Plus you can touch 'em! Touch what?

The tits.

You can suck on 'em nine of 10 titty bars too.

Okay, I'll bite. Have you ever done that?

(BOTH LAUGH)

McMURRAY: Have we ever done?

Okay, boys. Picture this.

I want you to picture this.

Mrs. McMurray and I are getting a couples lapper.

So I got both hands on one tit!

And I'm suckin' on it. I want you to picture this.

I said, "This is something."

I said, "Baby, what do you think of this?"

I said I've never seen anything like it, baby.

And before I know it, she's got two hands on the other tit.

And she's sucking on it.

I said, "What do you think of this, baby?"

I said, "I won't soon forget it."

Yeah, that's my cue.

Gailer! Pitcher of Beefeater!

DAN: Drive safe, Miss Katy.

REILLY AND JONESY: Nuhnuh!

JONESY: Where's she going?

Why? Morning, lovely!

REILLY: I was gonna take a run at her.

I was gonna take a big run at her.

Youse twos are the worst.

I was gonna gun it, buddy.

Sometimes you just gotta gun it, boys.

Fuckin' gun it, buddy.

Gun it straight across the room.

Ah, you guys are out of luck. Katy's got a new dude.

Huh? JONESY: Who?

A guy named Dierks. From Michigan.

A Yank? I fuckin' hate Yanks.

MEN: Oh, Bonnie McMurray.

Beers? MEN: Day beers!

REILLY: Take a run at her, boys.

Take a big run at her.

You are so beneath her at this point, peasants.

I would love to be. Ha!

And Katy wouldn't even fuck you with my dick.

(SCOFFS) I wouldn't want her to anyway.

Well, don't knock it till you've tried it.

I never do.

Did you guys hear Katy's dating a Yank?

(POPPIN' PLAYING)

You gonna move your bum?

Move your bum.

You don't want me to go? (COOING)

Okay.

All right. Go and get so I can get it.

Get!

Mmm, day beers! Day beers!

Day beers! Day beers!

Nose beers! Stewart!

What do you got against Yanks, Reilly?

I fuckin' hate Yanks. Yeah, we've established that.

Yank teams would come up from Michigan and Ohio

to play in our tournaments growing up,

and they were stacked. They shit kicked us.

You guys are usually losing though, no?

REILLY: This is different, though.

A team from Detroit would have a Dman from New York,

a tendy from Boston, and a sniper from Minnesota.

They'd all fly in thrice a week for practice,

then they'd come up and shit kick us.

Religious fellas?

What? It sounds like they gots some monies.

Wasn't fair.

It was their best players in their country

versus the best players in our county.

I also hate Yanks!

Whys do youse hate Yanks?

(BOTH SCOFFING)

(BEATBOXING RHYTHMICALLY)

Yanks were the first to steal and catalogue your online data.

Every website you've ever been to,

every subject you've ever searched,

every porno you ever watched...

ROALD: Every text you've ever sent.

Yanks know it and have it and, one day, will leak it.

Hence our venture into the... BOTH: Dark web.

Where'd you read that?

Well, I read it at www.theresawebsite.com/idiot.

Www.pullyourfinger outtayourass.ca.

Www.afterI.org/asm.

Www.heresthething .edu/aresparepartsbud.

Did you know that Yank is kind of not PC now?

Mmm, it's true.

A player in the Ontario Hockey League got suspended

for calling a European player a Euro.

Youse can get suspended for callings

a guys from Europes a Euro?

Happened a couple times.

What Yank came up with that fucking rule?

I got nothin' against Yanks.

If Canada was in trouble,

they'd be the first ones to come up and help us get sorted.

Good neighbors. Good film.

Don't like Dierks though. Pourquoi?

'Cause Wayne doesn't. I'm with you.

Don't be a fence sitter.

Yeah, gotta come out for it one way or another.

Yeah, that Yank better behave himself,

'cause if Katy is in trouble,

I'll fucking speedbag him, boys.

I'd go to the wall for that girl.

I'd go through a wall for that girl.

Full send. Yep.

That's small towns in a snow globes for yas.

Boy howdy. Yeah.

We might bicker with each other on the inside,

but if someone from the outside comes a knockin'...

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

You didn't have to drive all the way here to tell me that.

But I did. Yeah, well.

Can't win 'em all.

It's not the only reason I'm here.

Oh, way... Is Katy here?

No.

Still with Ol' Long Dick Dierks?

My cousins had his bachelor party a couple of days ago.

It was in a strip club in Montreal,

and I went with the boys. Good.

There was a Yank buying everybody drinks.

And our table eventually joined his table.

And all his friends were saying how hot his girlfriend was,

and one of them pulled a picture on his phone.

It was Katy.

Ain't no reason to get excited.

They came in with a bunch of girls.

And left with a bunch of girls.

He doing anything he shouldn't be?

It's been a tough go, eh?

Yep.

Getting any easier?

Yep.

(EXHALES LOUDLY)

Hearing you fellas talk about Yanks,

reminds me of my last boys trip down McMyrtle Beach.

I ever tell you about a little girls' trip

down McMayan Riviera?

Next year, she's gonna be down McMaui.

Next year, she's down McMontego Bay.

Rooftop, poolside, villas.

Well, between us girls? Between us girls?

I paddle up to the swimup bar

and there's an ethnic fella lookin' some comely.

Pool is jam packed with ethnicities.

This young fella sees me looking at him,

and he sees me across the bar, and he can tell

I'm lookin' for one right in the twat.

Three guarantees in life, fellas.

Death, taxes,

and this gal wantin' one right in the twat.

Next thing I know, he's paddling around the swimup bar,

what do you think I did?

So I paddle on over to meet her halfway.

I said, "Young man, ya like the ass, the tits or the cunt?"

This gal knows a cunt man when she sees one.

And that's the right answer.

(ALL LAUGHING)

So she reaches under the water

and starts givin' me an overthepants handy.

Molestation in some circles, but this fella is here for it.

So we head on over to the poolside villa,

close the curtains and I says to her,

"How about I stuff it right in your snacker?"

Then one in the snapper.

So we start going back and forth.

I'm in her... Snapper.

Then he's in my... Snacker.

Snapper. Snacker.

Snapper! Snacker!

(POPS CHEEK)

Till we're both making a mess.

We made one hell of a mess in there.

I hope they had a pressure washer, that's all I know.

They must have had a pressure washer or something.

Mmmhmm. McMURRAY: Mmmhmm.

DAN: Does Mrs... McMurray know about this?

Of course. No secrets between spouses.

You know what he does sometimes?

He does the cutest little thing.

I'll go outside the bathroom door when she's on the shitter.

MRS. McMURRAY: And I'll hear something outside

that sounds like a little golf clap.

But it's me standing out there in the buck, naked,

shaking my hips back and forth like so...

So his dink smacks off his thighs.

(CHUCKLES) (McMURRAY STRAINING)

He sounds just like a little golf clap.

(STRAINING AND CLAPPING CONTINUES)

BONNIE: Are we dancing now?

DAN: Yes! DARYL: That's what we are doing.

BONNIE: Alexander! Turn up the outside speakers!

(DO IT, TRY IT PLAYING)