Original subtitles

You were eavesdropping on some nutsacks

at the bar the other day...

Okay, I've got mine.

Might surprise you but I'm going with basketball.

BOTH: Oh, Bonnie McMurray.

Wilt Chamberlain claimed to have slept with 20,000 women.

Not a bad tally.

Not a bad tally for one tally�whacker.

That's a lot of driving to the hole.

That's a lot of rim work.

Did you know he also set the record

for 100 points in a game wearing Chuck Taylors?

Hope he had the courtesy to take 'em off

for his other record.

Given their height and the size of their feet,

it's safe to assume that basketball players

also have the biggest...

BOTH: Dicks?

�Balls. �Hey�ooo.

So in conclusion, I submit, the sport with athletes

that wheel the most broadskis is basketball.

�Jonesy? �Football.

Like, American football or European football aka soccer.

�Should call it football. �Fuck off.

Biggest teams, so mathematically,

you gotta figure the highest gross.

Not saying they pull the most tens.

Yup.

Gross is the operative word here.

Probably a lotta fours and fives.

May the fours be with you.

Cuz some of those linemen are...

�Offensive? �Hey�ooo.

�BONNIE: Reilly. �Baseball.

Not to be confused with soccer�baseball.

Yeah, that was the dagger, buddy.

Why baseball?

Baseball players have the longest season,

which means they're on the road the longest

with gives them ample opportunity to wheel the most broadskis.

Plus they use the least energy of any sport.

Which gives them the most energy to wheel broadskis.

I'm changing my answer.

�Can I change my answer? �No.

That's totally cool. I get it.

You can change your answer.

Shouldn't hockey players be the low hanging fruit?

I didn't want to say hockey players,

because they are the low�hanging fruit...

Fuckin' mind reader.

Yeah, samezies, bro. I didn't want Bonnie to be like...

(SCOFFING) Is this guy even fucking trying?

�Why hockey players? �Hockey players at any level

share hotel rooms on the road.

So, like it's curfew, right?

You wheeling back before curfew just in time

to catch your defense partner wheeling a road rocket.

What then?

Become his D�partner.

�Stick to stick. �Tape to tape.

Can't leave. It's curfew.

�It's rude to stare. �True. You couldn't like

not acknowledge it.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

If you can't beat it... Join in.

I'd rather jerk off.

So an opportunity for a hockey player to wheel

very often turns into an opportunity

for his teammate to wheel.

With this in mind,

hockey players wheel the most broadskis.

Did you know that 100,000 condoms

were handed out to athletes

at the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver?

�I did. �No, you didn't.

�Yeah, I did. �No, you didn't.

�Yes, I did. �No, you didn't.

450,000 at the summer Olympics in Rio.

The fuck outta here.

Yeah, hockey players definitely hold the record

in London bridging broadskis.

Just gotta respect the Load Code.

What's the Load Code?

Oh, bother.

The Load Code of the road.

Don't get any of your brogurt on your buddy.

�Mind your boner batter. �Don't spray any Spunky Brewster.

�There's fines for that. �Fines?

Same way there's fines for stepping on the logo

on the carpet in your dressing room.

Yeah, or letting your jersey touch the floor.

Those are pretty common things though.

You're saying accidentally

brogurting on your buddy is common enough

for there to be a fines in place for it?

Load Code.

Load Code of the road.

That's kinda hot.

Oh, Bonnie McMurray.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

�(GRUNTING) �Ellen?

Like click�clock work.

(GIGGLING)

Butt stuff?

Little dab'll do ya, eh?

(HORSE APPROACHING)

NOAH: Whoa, Hugh!

�Wayne. �Noah.

Mr. Dyck.

�Daryl. �Hello, Noah.

Daniel.

Haven't seen ye in the age of a dog once.

My sympathies that the love tree

ye and Lovina tried to plant together didn't take root.

She's a special gal. I knows it now more than ever.

How is she doings?

I suppose you heard by now,

she was attacked at a petting zoo.

No, I had not heard that.

A giant big cock about ye.

From behind even.

Which seems she was on the receiving end

of a good�sized prick.

Doctor said he'd never seen a gash quite that size.

The size of a fist.

And indeed that's all she had to suppress the bleeding.

Can you imagine?

A fist inside your gash.

Tough week then, eh?

Oh unfortunately, it doesn't end there.

A couple of days prior, my two young boys caught

the prickliest of the itchies

after playing with a pile of pink insulation in the barn.

Would you believe on the same day, my daughter fell into the manure pile.

I had two in the pink and one in the stink.

What brings you by, Noah?

Wayne, your community has always used us right

and hopefully you feel as though our community has used you right as well.

Yup.

I need your help at the Dyck farm once.

Put it this way. It's work only men can do.

My two young boys aren't quite up to the task yet.

Well, we got six strong hands. We can help.

(SIGHING) I am blessed this day.

For the Lord hath giveth on to me three able men

willing to help me with a hand job.

(GROANS)

What type of job is this exactly?

Men banging.

Men pounding.

Best I show you once.

I feel like we got our own work to do.

�We'll be there, Noah. �NOAH: Thanks unto ye, Wayne.

Oh, bring your tools!

By the way,

my children have recently taken to digging for buried treasures

in the corn fields.

Their imaginations hath no bounds at this age.

And I've instructed them to halt.

Please, neighbors, let me know

should you see my children corn holing in the field.

Who is that snack?

GAIL: That's Katy's.

�All yours. �Atta babe.

Coach.

What's that?

Yeah, my therapist said I should

get out of the house more, you know,

be around other people

instead of just staying in my home, by myself

thinking about my dead wife Barb.

My therapist thinks I'm obsessive.

Sure wish this stool had some lumbarb support.

�Sup. �Sup.

�I asked you first. �I recall.

I don't know who you are.

I happen to have that information.

�Got a smoke? �I do.

Hmmm, smoking's gross.

This chit-chat is really kind of all over the place.

You waiting on somebody?

Katy.

KATY: Gailer.

�Sup. �Sup.

Wanna get hammered?

So, what do you think? We head over there a half hour, 45 minutes?

You know, we got our own chorin' to do, so.

Well, you better settle down over there, or I'm gonna come talk to ya.

You were half rudes to Noah earlier.

�I wasn't half rude. �Were too half rude.

If you were a 2010 Rhianna smash hit, you'd be Rude Boys.

I wasn't half rude.

If you were one of Santa's reindeers, you'd be Rudolph.

I wasn't half rude!

If you were an adorable child from an '80s sitcom, you'd be Rudy Huxtables.

I was an eighth rude. Not half.

�Hey, who wrote techno hit Sandstorm? �Darude?

�He was expose'ta answer that. �Oh, sorry.

I'll give you a quarter rude, but then, I'm maxxed out.

If you were a former New York city mayor, you would be...

Rudy Giuliani?

No. Bill de Blasio.

Who was notorious for being quite rude.

Fine. I was A&W Rude�beer.

But I've heard some talk about Nappers,

and it might have something to do with what Noah wants

is all I'm saying.

What were you told?

�You won't like it. �Fuck's sake, Dary,

you baited the hook and we bit. Reel us in.

What was you told?

I heard schmellies are trying to mix up

�the blood lines a wee bit. �Why?

Probably on account of generation after generation of inbreedings.

So, the fathers go out to other dudes

who are outside the family and get them to come over to their place and...

fuck their daughters.

How'd you stay out of special ed

running with an old wives' tale like that?

�It's not an old wives' tale. �WAYNE: Yes, it is.

That is straight up life skills.

�Yes, it is. �It happened to Dickskin.

�No, it never. �Yes, it did.

�No, it never. �Yes, it did.

Okay, Dary. Dary, okay.

I'm gonna call Jim Dickins right now.

If I find out you're spinning a fucking yarn,

you'll find me in a real bad mood.

(LINE RINGING)

Jimmy Dickins. How're ya now?

Good'n you?

Not s'bad. Listen, I got some kind of weird to asks,

so what I'm gonna do is just come right out and ask to you now.

Your terms are acceptable.

(SOFTLY) Goodness, I don't even think I can.

Jim, did some Napper come up to you and ask you to fucks his daughter?

A Dickins never airs his dirty laundry.

Sorry, good buddy.

That's okay, good buddy.

But no such thing happened to me.

�Sorry, good buddy. �That's okay, good buddy.

Though there has been talk

of such things in auctioneer circles.

What weres you told?

I'm told livestock aren't the only thing

schmellies go scoutin' for in farmer's markets.

�And then? �There's an auctioneer

out Brussels way about my size...

�Is he really? �Said he was told

by an auctioneer out Hanover way,

also about my size.

�Fuckin' Dutchmen. �That his cousint,

a significantly shorter auctioneer...

Swissman, likeleh.

Was offered $500 by a schmelly at a farmer's market

to lay with his daughter.

In the biblical sense.

Five hundred dollars' nothing to sneer at.

I'm surprised he get $500 from a Napper.

I was kinda thinking two bills, maybe 250 tops.

I'm told a hole is cut into a sheet.

The schmelly daughter on one side,

the stud on the other.

The stud then threads his penis through the hole

and penetrates the awaiting schmelly.

Fuckin' how 'bout it.

Why the sheet?

I'm told schmellies remove all physical and visual contact,

aside from penile�vagile, of course,

to keep the sex limited to pro�creation purposes,

and deter it from becoming "a little more English," as they call it.

Makes sense, I suppose.

Hence the expression,

"put a little English on 'er."

Well, that's some fun trivia.

Hey Jim, did your auctioneer buddy's auctioneer buddy's

�auctioneer cousint, uh... �Did he get in there?

Well, Dary,

you're no auctioneer if you hear 500 dollars and don't see 525.

And once you've seen 525, well, you damn well better see 530,

and if you've already seen 530, you know you're gonna see 535.

(RAMBLING AUCTION CHANTS)

�Thanks, Jim. �Sold.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

Jeez, Ellen.

Little dab'll do ya.

Well, let's say it's true.

Dickins' auctioneer buddy's auctioneer buddy's

auctioneer cousint was approached by a Napper

at a farmer's market offering him $500 to procreate

with his daughter.

Five hundred dollars' better than a kick in the pants.

You're lucky you get 500 dollars from a Napper.

Yeah, see, I was thinking two bills, 250 tops. But, Dary...

What

makes you think

�all Nappers do this? �Objections!

Dan.

Dary is just trying to establish a history and pattern

of the behavior.

He's not trying to suggest that all Nappers do it.

He's merely suggesting that maybe this Nappers does.

�And is. �Withdrawn or rephrased.

Dary...

What...

What compels you

to think...

that that is what...

Noah Dicks was talking about today?

Well, he said the job was men banging and pounding.

Let the record show Noah Dicks said many things today

that could be misleading.

I'll allows it.

Then he said it was a job that only men can do

and then, he winked at me.

�Yeah, but to be fair... �To be fair!

�To be fair. �To be fair!

A wink can mean many things.

Yeah, but the Dickins said they do it through a hole in a sheet!

Inadmissibles!

Hearsay.

Well, he just said he heard it, so, yeah.

Dan, whose side are you on?

In closing...

Dary,

would you or would you not

agree with the statement,

"fuck, they can run."

�I guess so. �Dary, it's a yes or no question.

�Yes. �Fuck, can they run.

Every single one of 'em can run.

Nothing further.

I'll be briefs.

Now, Daryl,

we all know you're a good guy.

Objection! Where's he going with this?

I'm just saying he's a good guy.

Hmph.

He's a pretty good guy.

You're a good guy.

In your opinions, what's the percent chance

that Noah would wants one, somes or all us

to procreate with his daughters?

Oh.

I'll say she's 50�50.

Now,

what if it was with his sisters?

�Lovina Dyck? �Objection. Irrelevant.

May I approach?

I'll allow it.

I just always kinda thought that Dary was maybe

more Lovina's type than me

and uh, given the circumstances,

I figured I'll takes the opportunity to ask him

rather than stews on it any longer.

We're going to the Dyck farm.

You wanna look at a menu, chief?

No, I'm trying to cut back on my barbohydrates.

I'm on this new rhubarb diet.

Is there a barbage back there?

�Pretty kitty. �Another round, please and thank you.

Couple Puppers, couple Gus'n Bru?

Still got it you old goat.

Great tits, eh?

�Yours? �I know they're great.

No confirmation required.

Then...

I'm like fuckin' Gretzky in here.

�I know where everybody is. �Gotcha.

And you're talking to a fellow window shopper.

It's not a crime. I do it all the time.

�Bit of look, don't touch? �Cheap thrills.

�Never hurt nobody. �Bing bang boom.

You are very cool. Very cool, very nice.

Yeah?

What are you gonna do about it?

Gentlemen, thank you for joining us

for an afternoon hand job.

Lovinas.

�Do we smoke out here? �Anita, how're ya now?

It's been quite a week, as I'm sure you've heard.

May I show you my sister�in�law's gash?

Oh.

We heard.

I'd givens you a calls, but uh,

well, yous don't have phones, so.

ANITA: It's not our only ailment this week, unfortunately.

Just yesterday I cut my finger chopping wood.

I continued to work of course, while occasionally licking it occasionally

to keep the blood from getting on my dress but, the long and short,

I spent the whole afternoon licking my own axe wound.

Did the children not offer aid?

Oh, I had sent them into the house to get out of the sun

and I'm glad for it. Children do worry.

You're right. The last thing I want is for the children to look out in the yard

and see their mother licking her own axe wound.

Hmph.

Lovina's made lemonade.

And I implore you to hydrate once.

After all, you'll be hammering box all afternoon.

Hammering box?

My feed boxes were destroyed in the windstorm Wednesday last.

With another one on the way,

time is of the essence and we must rebuild at once.

My boxes?

One of those boxes

was constructed by me, Noah Dyck.

Forgive me mine wife.

And I want to know

which one of you is going to pound my box?

Thank you.

Thank you.

I screwed that box for hours yesterday.

My Dyck doesn't have the stamina he once did once,

so we are grateful for your help once.

Incidentally Anita Dyck,

did the boys finish with the three loads of hay?

They finished one.

I did the other two.

For shame.

Imagine, my sons left two loads on their mother.

Oh, it doesn't end there.

Jedidiah took quite a tantrum this morning

when I tasked him with garden works.

I told him to gather up the garden tools

and go into the shed,

where, unfortunately, the tantrum continued.

He spent a half hour in there smashing hoes.

Gentlemen, please enjoy the afternoon's hand job.

You should know, there's a prize on this day for the man

who uses his tool the best!

What kind of a prize?

Hint.

What's moist and warm

and close to heaven in earthly form?

Objection.

Ah, Daryl. Be a lamb and helps push these closer to us?

Can do.

I always use a small pillow to protect my knees.

Would you like one?

Uh, no. I think I'm all right, okay.

Really?

You wouldn't like a little cushion for the pushin'?

Hey, be careful with your hammers, yous two.

Nobody came here for a finger bang.

(DONKEY BRAYING)

Ah, did you hear that? It's Donald the Donkey.

Biggest ass you've ever seen.

This donkey is so tall and fabulous,

just this summer, that my boys finally managed to mount him.

Took him nine years to go up the ass.

Did you know that donkey is considered to be a delicacy

in some parts of the world?

I was in Central America at a church supper, and was offered it.

While I hesitated at first, would you believe I love eating ass?

I would eat ass all day, every day if I could.

Hey, Noah, you workin' hard or hardly workin'?

It has been said that I have fitter skills for yammering

than hammering.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

But see as we're yammering...

Daniel, any genetic health issues in your family?

Well, my second cousints got an allergies to pollen there, so...

�Who? Garrett? �No. Jarrett.

Why?

It's just in the Mennonite community

sometimes we're born with vision and hearing problems.

DAN: (MUMBLING) Generation after generation of systematic inbreeding.

Do what you've always done

and I'll suppose you'll get what you've always got!

Daryl, how often do you partake of the devil's nectar?

I suppose I could drink a little less.

Better than the devils danders.

Oh yeah, the lesser of two evils really.

Uh, the lesser of two evils is still an evil, I'm afraid.

In the English world, you believe in post-secondary education

I assume yous all attended once?

Say Wayne, do you belong to a gymnasium or just have good genes once?

Yeah well, good jeans means... no belt, so.

�So great genes. �WAYNE: Yeah.

Winner of the No�Belt Peace Prize.

(ALL LAUGHING)

�Too much fun. �Yeah.

Hey, why do you ask Noah?

No reason, I suppose.

Just a few men hard working men shooting the proverbial feces.

�Noah! �Mine wife!

A prize at the end?

"Heaven in earthly form"?

Holy sheet.

Hole�y sheet.

Going on a lot, it is a little bit weird.

There's no doubt about it, but I'm just not convinced he wants us for like,

with his daughters.

DARYL: Why is he asking all the questions, then?

I feel he's trying to establish a genetic pecking order.

That be a good name for a bands.

What's that?

Genetics Pecking Orders.

Like hey, you wanna head over to MoDeans to checks out the GPOs?

I think three�word band names often sound like emo band names.

I'm gonna fake sick and make a break for it.

Daryl! Be a lamb and come help my wife with a couple of loads?

Now his wife is in on it, too?

Ah, why me?

Well, because like my husband, you seem to have more of a skill

for yammering than hammering!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

�What fun! �Hammering... He can't... He's just terrible with the...

Gail?

On the other hand, I'll have the barbecue chicken.

You ever heard the expression,

"everyone's always fuckin' somebody else?"

�I have. �Words to live by.

�I agree. �You fuckin' somebody else?

I am.

�You are? �I was.

Okay.

You haven't asked me if I'm comin' or goin'.

�This is true. �So I'll ask you.

�Like, what we're doing? �I'm starting to give a shit.

Very cool. Very nice.

Do you give a shit?

I think I do.

If you give a shit, then you'll have to be a master of one.

No more jack of all. That's the rule.

�Cool? �Cool.

�Very cool. �Very nice.

And no pressure either way.

If it's not me...

Tits is right over there.

Tits is everywhere.

Gotcha.

If you say you're in, you're in.

But if you say you're in and you're not...

You'll have every dude in Letterkenny

lined up around the block for ya.

So you comin' or are you goin'?

It's impossible to avoid the sexual innuendo on deck here.

People love sexual innuendo.

I'm coming.

Here we go now.

Very smooth. Very smooth, very subtle.

Never had a Gus'n Bru? It's like the best option in the bar.

COACH: In any barb.

Or mini�barbs.

It's better than barbiturates.

Barb.

Is he gonna be okay?

�No. �Okay.

We need to get this out on the line.

Nobody likes a wrinkly Dyck.

So I'm told.

Are Charity and Chastity in there?

What is your interest in my daughters once?

Nothing. I just...

Make... It's a conversation.

You know Daryl, we Snatches tend to be quite closed.

Snatch

is my maiden name.

Anita Snatch?

My father Seymour...

Seymour Snatch?

And my mother Aida.

Aida Snatch?

Believed that children should be seen and not heard.

Now, I'm a bit more liberal myself.

I believe that children should be encouraged to experiment

with being a grown�up

under the watchful eye of their parents.

And, of course, the Lord.

That way, we can step in and help.

Even participate if need be.

Show them how it's done.

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

They're preparing the prize for the winner.

Girls, it's almost time to stick it in!

Now, let's see if you can manage a big load, hmph?

Tightest box you've screwed today, Wayne?

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

Little dab will do ya?

Tell her that.

DARYL: Hey!

(EL CABALLO BLANCO PLAYING)

(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)

Boughts lunch?

You could come inside or eat out.

Thank you, gentlemen.

I must say you pounded

an impressive amount of boxes today.

You must be tired.

�Dary? �But, Daryl,

Anita and I have decided

that your tool was the most polished on this day.

Which means you've won the prize, once!

Oh, bother.

The sweetest prize a man could ever enjoy.

Close your eyes.

Good buddies?

Girls, come on out.

Take your tops off and present.

Hole�y sheet.

Daryl, Are you ready for moist and warm

and heaven in earthly form?

Open your eyes!

Surprise!

(ALL CHUCKLE AWKWARDLY)

ANITA: Wait a moment.

Were you expecting something else?

�No. �ANITA: Yes you were.

(GASPS)

And I know exactly what.

Do ya?

What kind of people do you think we are?

Hpmh?

You thought...

No, no, sorry. It's just...

My auctioneer's friend's auctioneer's cousint said...

ANITA: Hush, puppies!

You thought that we would try to pay you

for helping us today, hmph?

You thought you'd close your eyes and feel a big fat wad

slide across your palm, hpmh?

And you were worried about how to say no.

Because of the old adage,

"a favor for me, turns you into a dunce..."

"... when you bring up the subject of money once."

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, I feel silleh.

Daryl,

does my daughters' warm sticky pie

not appeal to you?

Yeah, no, it does.

Well then let us enjoy them on this day,

as a community with our mouths.

Daniel, would you like to walk?

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

Little dab'll do ya.

Ah, don't leave yet! I'm no good at good pies!

What's the plan, handsome man?

I'll probably just head back to suburbs.

You know, maybe lift some barbells.

I've bombarbed you guys enough.

Lil dance before you skedaddle?

You're gonna have to crow�barb me off this chair

I've had a couple of hard�barbs.

Jesus.

Come on you ol' souse.

(STR8 OUTTA MUMBAI PLAYING)